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Robby loves his kids, don’t get him wrong. He is elated that Jack and him welcomed their 2nd child, Ellie recently. He never thought he would have this life, the one he always dreamed of: a spouse, a couple of kids, and a fulfilling job. Jack and him decided to take different paternity leaves this time around to try and make the adjustment easier for Beau, their oldest. Robby is taking 8 weeks of family leave and then Jack will take 8 weeks. That will give them 16 weeks to get the hang of having two kids. The only problem is that Robby is only 2 weeks in and he is DYING. Having both parents home really makes a difference. Beau is adjusting well….the same can’t be said for Robby.
His normal daily schedule is as follows:
11:45 pm-1:30 am —> sleep
1:30 am - 2:15 am —> feed and burp Ellie
2:15 am - 2:45 am —> coax Ellie back to sleep
2:45 am - 3:30 am —> sleep
3:30 am - 4:30 am —> get Beau back to sleep after he sneaks into Robby and Jack’s room
4:30 am - 5:15 am —> feed and burp Ellie
5:15 am - 5:45 am —> get Ellie back to sleep
5:45 am - 6:15 am —> sleep
6:15 am —> wake up
6:15 am - 6:45 am —> shower and get dressed
6:45 am - 7:00 am —> start breakfast and brew a cup of coffee (#1)
7:00 am - 7:15 am —> get Beau up
7:15 am- 7:30 am —> get Beau dressed
7:30 am- 8:15 am —> feed and burp Ellie while Beau eats
8:00 am —> give Jack a kiss when he walks in from shift and before he goes to shower and take a nap
8:15 am - 8:45 am —> get Ellie back to sleep in the baby carrier, take a sip of coffee #1
8:45 am - 9:00 am —> get the diaper bag packed, get Beau’s backpack, and pack the car
9:00 am - 9:30 am —> get the kids in the car
9:30 am - 9:45 am —> drive Beau to preschool while trying to eat a banana and finish coffee #1, which is iced cold
9:45 am - 10:00 am —> drive home
10:00 am - 10:15 am —> get everything out of the car
10:15 am - 10:30 am —> clean up from Beau’s breakfast
10:30 am - 11:15 am —> feed and burp Ellie
11:15 am - 11:45 am —> get Ellie to sleep in the swing (usually ends with her sleeping in his arms; she hates the swing)
11:45 am - 12:15 pm —> nap
12:15 pm - 12:30 pm —> load the dishwasher brew coffee #2
12:30 pm - 1:15 pm —> feed and burp Ellie
1:15 pm - 1:45 pm —> get Ellie to sleep in the baby carrier on his chest
1:45 pm - 2:15 pm —> pack a lunch for Jack, do some cleaning and finish a coffee #2 that is now cold
2:00 pm —> give Jack a quick kiss when he comes downstairs after waking up
2:15 pm - 2:30 pm —> drive to pick up Beau, while Ellie stays with Jack
2:30 pm -3:00 pm —> sit in car line; Jack should be feeding Ellie (usually sleeps for 15 minutes)
3:00 pm - 3:15 pm —> drive home
3:15 pm - 4:00 pm —> get Beau in the house and help him get unpack and settled while Jack finishes feeding and burping Ellie
4:00 pm - 4:30 pm —> play with Beau and Jack while Ellie naps, drink coffee #3
4:30 pm -5:15 pm —> make dinner while Jack feeds and burps Ellie
5:15 pm - 6:00 pm —> eat dinner with Jack and Beau coffee #4
6:00 pm - 6:15 pm —> make sure Jack has everything he needs, kiss Jack good-bye, convince Beau it’s okay to stay with abba while dad goes and saves lives
6:15 pm - 6:30 pm —> bribe Beau with a treat (not his greatest parenting choice, but you gotta do what you gotta do)
6:30 pm - 7:15 pm —> feed and burp Ellie, while they watch Paw Patrol
7:15 pm - 7:45 pm —> try to give Beau a bath while Ellie cries or sleeps (fingers-crossed)
7:45 pm - 8:30 pm —> bedtime with Beau (story and tucking him in, and sit there until he falls asleep. He usually has to figure out how to rub Beau’s back while holding Ellie so she sleeps)
8:30 pm - 9:15 pm —> feed and burp Ellie
9:15 pm - 9:45 pm —> get Ellie asleep in the bassinet in his room
9:45 pm - 10:30 pm —> sleep
10:30 pm - 11:15 pm —> feed and burp Ellie
11:15 pm - 11:45 pm —> get Ellie asleep in the bassinet in their room
That is an average of just around 4.5 hours of sleep, 1,000 mg of caffeine, and more dirty diapers to change than can be counted in a day.
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Robby hasn’t talk to an adult for more than an hour in weeks. He can’t remember the last time he slept in the same bed as Jack. They are lucky if they squeeze anything more than 2 kisses with each other into a day. Dana swings by sometimes, so he can get an extra nap in, but he has found it difficult to sleep. He doesn’t want to miss out on anything with his kids. Plus, he feels guilty when he isn’t spending every moment attending to them and their needs. Once he is back at work, he knows he is going to wish for days where he gets to be home. He just needs to remember to cherish these days and live in the moment…but damn is that hard when you are in the thick of it. The newborn bubble isn’t all sunshine and rainbows as people like to say.
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It’s week 3 of his leave and he is bouncing off the walls. It is 9:45am and he just dropped Beau off at school. Jack is working the day shift today. Robby is only half-paying attention, he has his route committed to memory. The only problem is that when he zones back into the drive fully, he realizes that he has driven past his block and is driving towards PTMC. He pulls into his assigned spot and hops into the back of the car to quickly feed Ellie. He straps her to his chest and heads in. He just needs to hear the chaos for a few minutes so he can feel like a person again. He wants to remember what it’s like to be a doctor and not just a dad. He walks into the ED and Dana immediately spots him.
“Cap, what are you doing here?” She then notices that the baby is strapped to his chest and his diaper bag is on his back. “You brought a baby into an ED, Robinavitch? Are you crazy? There are germs and dirty people everywhere. That sweet baby’s immune system isn’t cut out to be fighting these bugs”
“I know, but Dana, I am dying at home. I have watched so much paw patrol and listened to baby shark more times than I ever thought possible. I need to talk to an adult. Maybe even get my hands dirty?”
Dana gives him a shocked look. “Again, I ask, are you crazy, you have a baby strapped to your chest, you can’t run a trauma.”
“Nothing crazy, just some stitches. Ellie should stay alseep” He says glancing down at his daughter, running his hand against her head.
“We will see. Sit at central and let me gush over that little cutie”
“Alright warden, I will listen to whatever you say” Robby says over his shoulder as he heads to an empty chair at the hub.
After about 5 minutes of sitting at central. Mohan comes out of a bay and heads in his direction. She doesn’t notice Robby right away. “Dana, what’s next?”
“There is a teen who needs stitches in her forearm” Dana says looking down, glasses on the tip of her nose, at the tablet in her hands
Before Samira can even respond, Robby is flying up from his seat. He makes sure to support Ellie’s head. He doesn’t want to give her shaken baby syndrome. “No, I’ve got it….please Dana”
“Dr. Robby, what are you doing here?” Samira says in shock. “Is that your daughter?”
“I am trying to feel like a human again and yes, this is Ellie” He says as he turns his body so Samira can see Ellie’s face.
“She’s cute. Should I tell Dr. Abbot you’re here?”
“NOOO” Robby practically yells. “He can’t know I’m here. I will stitch this arm up and then leave” Robby says as he nervously wrings his hands
Samira decides to just nod and walk away. She is not going to help Robby hide his presence from Dr. Abbot, but she also isn’t going to be the one to tell Dr. Abbot that his 3 week old baby is in the ED. When those two fight, the whole ER turns into a war zone. Robby turns back towards Dana. “Can I please go do the sutures?”
“Fine. You need to splash some water on your face first because those bags are crazy. Am I taking the baby from you?”
“No. I will just wear her. What’s a baby carrier for if not to allow a doctor to be both a parent and provider?” Dana looks at him like he is crazy, but baby-wearing his daughter into a trauma bay is only something that Michael Robinavitch would do. With that Robby runs off into the trauma bay, basically skipping his way there.
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Robby puts the stitches in the girl’s forearm. The girl gushes over the baby the entire time. Ellie stirs a little, but seems really content. Maybe a future doctor or nurse?
Robby has to repeatedly tell the girl to keep her hands off the baby’s face. He also takes double the time he usually would while suturing, to ensure that his daughter stays in a comfortable position on his chest and doesn’t lose her mind. Jack cannot know that he is there. He will lose his mind if he finds out.
—————————————————————
Jack comes out of the trauma he was justing helping with after sending the patient up to the OR. He heads towards central to take a quick breather. He might also text Robby to send a pic of Ellie, he really misses his family. Robby is doing amazing as the primary parent, but Jack would be lying if he said he doesn’t miss being with Robby. This happened when they brought Beau home too, but they figured it out. They’ll figure it out this time too….right? Jack misses Robby at sign-out, he misses their rooftop talks, he misses sleeping in the same bed together, and he misses sex. Robby and him feel like roommates who just live in the same house, interacting with each other in passing.
“Dana, how’s my favorite charge nurse?” Jack says with a grin
“What do you want Abbot?” Dana knows that look, he wants something. Jack Abbot is charming, but she is immune to it.
Just as Jack starts to talk, he hears a faint cry. It’s the cry of a newborn. Aww that poor newborn is in the ER, I hope they are okay. He forgets about Dana’s questions. “That baby sounds like Ellie.. I miss her” He hears the cries some more and whips his head up. “That REALLY sounds like Ellie” Just as he finishes that statement he notices Dana staring down at the counter. He can’t question her before he hears Mel. “Dr. Robby what are you doing here?”
Jack spins around…….”Robby, why are you here? Why are you coming out of a bay?” Jack takes in the sight in front of him: Robby in sweatpants and a hoodie covered in spit-up with Ellie strapped to his chest. It’s hot. Robby becoming a dad has made him 10x hotter, but also what is the man thinking? Ellie isn’t even a month old and Robby brought her into the ED. Jack rubs his fingers against his temple, eyes closed, looking at the ground as he asks “Robby, be honest with me, did you bring our daughter into a trauma room with you?” After finishing his question, he looks up, giving Robby a pointed glare, one of which he knows will get his husband to crack and tell him the truth
Robby looks at the ground avoiding Jack’s eyes. “In my defense it was a minor procedure. She did great, didn’t you princess?” He says as he looks down and rubs the baby’s head trying to calm her down. “She just needs to eat now, that’s why she is crabby”
Jack thinks about it for a minute before turning to Dana. “Can you spare me for like 20 minutes Dana? I want to feed Ellie”
“Of course soldier. Go spend time with your family.”
‘Thanks Dana. I really appreciate it” He grabs the diaper bag from Dana’s outstretched hand and puts it on. He turns towards Robby. “Give me the baby. I’ll feed her and you go get a quick nap. You look like shit”
Robby scoffs as he hands Ellie over. “I look better than you”
“Not possible” Jack says as he presses a kiss to Robby’s cheek and lightly pushes him in the direction of the on-call room. He is going to feed the baby in the break room. He would feed her in the on-call room, but Robby really needs the sleep. If he is in there with him, Robby won’t sleep. Robby looks like he is being run ragged. He is going to talk to Robby about this later. Maybe they need to hire some help?”
—————————————————————
Jack sits on the break room couch, as he giving Ellie her bottle. He is in love with this tiny human, he never thought he would be a dad, but here he is. When they decided to have a second kid, he worried that he couldn’t love another person as much as he loved Beau. He has learned that love doesn’t diminish when another person gets added, your heart just expands..which is exactly what happened 3 weeks ago when the nurse placed Ellie on his chest.
He looks down at Ellie as she gurgles. Robby and him have decided to not do the whole baby-talk thing, they talk to their kids like adults. As he looks down at his little girl, he smiles and murmurs, “Pumpkin, we got to take it easy on abba. He is doing amazing, but let’s try to sleep for more than an hour at a time, okay?” Of course there is no reply.
—————————————————————
Robby wakes up after his 30 minute nap and takes Ellie back. He has decided to just stay in ED helping out until he needs to pick up Beau. He told Dana and Jack that he was going home, so he needs to be really stealthy to avoid those two. If they catch him, he will be in deep shit. Logically he knows that Ellie shouldn’t be in the ED, but he REALLY needed to not be in that house anymore.
Robby takes a tablet out of Whitaker’s hands and heads into South 15 to do some more sutures. It’s honestly the only thing he trusts himself to do while running on such little sleep. Jack walks by the bay, quickly looking in through the door to make sure everything is going smoothly and the med student didn’t need help, he does a double-take when he realizes that his husband (the chief of the ED) is still here AND is the one suturing the patient, still having Ellie secured to his chest. He peaks his head in and whispers sharply. “Robby. What the hell are you doing? I thought you went home”
Robby still laser focused on the stitches he is placing, responds without looking up. “Saving lives. Multitasking like a champ. Oh you know, the usual”
Jack slowly losing his patience with his husband bite back before he can fully think about his words. “You brought a newborn into the ED. While suturing. With blood flying”
Robby finally looks over at his husband and offers a half-assed excuse that has no emotion to it. “Jack. She’s fine. I’m a doctor too. She’s asleep and she enjoys the white noise.”
Jack turns away from his husband slightly and pinches his nose out of frustration. He mutters “You’re suppose to be on paternity leave.” He was hoping that his response was quiet enough that Robby wouldn’t hear him, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.
“Paternity leave is killing me Jack. I need adult contact. I need fluorescent lights and bad coffee. I need someone to say ‘scalpel’ instead of ‘abba, juice.’”
Jack is torn. He is furious that the man brought their newborn into a germ-filled hospital, but he is also sympathetic to how he needs more entertainment. “You can’t just strap Ellie to your chest and play doctor. What would Gloria say if she saw you right now?”
Robby shrugs. “Worked fine. Patient’s happy. Baby’s happy. I’m….less happy but functional. Plus, Gloria should be okay with this. Ellie here will help to improve my patient satisfaction scores”
Jack walks closer and lowers his voice to a protective and concern laced tone. “You’re exhausted. Your eyes are closing with each stitch. You’re risking both the patient and our daughter. This isn’t funny.”
Robby’s confidence falters, and his face drops. He pulls Jack out of the bay and into a supply closet that provides them with a little more privacy. He can feel himself about to break and he doesn’t want the staff to see him cry. Once they are in closet, he rubs his neck and quietly spills the truth to Jack. “I don’t know how to do this. Two kids. No sleep. No…..me. I thought that if I came here, I’d feel like myself again, at least a little bit.”
Jack softens and rubs Ellie’s head. She is asleep, they have found she likes being on their chests. He looks back up at Robby and offers a small smile. His words are gentle, but firm. “You’re still you. But right now, you’re their dad first. And you don’t have to do it alone.”
Robby swallows hard and nods. Looking down at Ellie and back up at Jack. His eyes are glassy as he holds in his emotions. “Okay. But you’re on diaper duty when you get home.”
Jack groans but smiles. They head back out into the middle of the ED and Dana is waiting at the hub for him.
“Robby, what the hell. You were suppose to leave 30 minutes ago” There is a bite to her voice, one that Robby knows is one of disappointment. He doesn’t need Dana disappointed in him, he’s got that covered all on his own.
Robby looks at her and in the most deadpan voice says “Paternity leave enrichment activity”
“Alright, listen to me, I let this slide at first but this is not acceptable. She’s 3 weeks old and this isn’t a daycare. You’re suppose to be at home, not turning my ED into a circus.”
Robby glares at her, getting more and more upset with each passing second. It’s definitely because of his sleep deprivation, but he can’t help it. “First off, it’s not your ED. Second, I didn’t ask you to hold her, she is safely strapped to my chest, so she isn’t interfering with your job. Third, don’t act like you don’t love her. Fourth, she likes the white noise”
“I don’t care if she likes Mozart. Get that sweet baby out of here before I report you. You don’t like being here when you have to, so I know this is a cry for help. You’re drowning and this isn’t how you save yourself.”
Robby looks down ashamed as Dana quickly and gently takes Ellie out of the carrier, rocking her. “Go home Cap. Sleep. We have the ED and sutures covered. You aren’t failing as a parent, you’re human. Remember that even Michael Robinavitch gets overwhelmed.”
“Thanks Dana” Robby quietly says into the woman’s shoulder as she hugs him. She makes a mental note to talk to Jack and give them a list of babysitters she approves of.
Robby heads out, picks Beau up and proceeds with his everyday schedule. Thank god Jack has the next few days off, he needs to be able to just sit on the couch for more than 5 minutes without newborn cries and toddler babbling happening at once. Without being the sole adult responsible for keeping two tiny humans alive, when he doesn’t even feel like he is keeping himself alive. He swears his two kids try to outdo each other in the volume department. Beau yells, Ellie cries louder, so then Beau yells even louder to ensure he is heard.
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Jack arrives home at 7:30 pm. He pulls into the garage and heads straight to the shower once he is in the house. Once he has sufficiently washed the hospital smell off of his body, replacing it with the fragrance of cedar and citrus, he heads downstairs to greet his family. On the way into the living room, he grabs the takeout that he ordered off the front porch. He knew Robby wouldn’t be able to cook, he looked rough when he swung by the Pitt earlier in the day. When he walks into the living room, he is met with the sight of Beau bouncing on the couch, Ellie fussing in her swing, and Robby looking like he has gone 7 rounds with a kangaroo.
“Daddy Calvary reporting for duty” He says with a grin as he scoops Beau up off the couch, placing him on the ground with a coloring book and crayons. He turns and picks Ellie up to rock her. He is gently swaying back and forth on his feet as he hums. He can see the immediate relief that flickers across Robby’s face.
Robby mumbles, barely above a whisper. “You make it look easy”
“It’s not. But it’s definitely easier when you aren’t alone.”
Robby exhales and his shoulders drop. He is sitting down for the first time in a week, without a baby in his arms or a toddler climbing on his shoulders.
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Later that night, once Beau is asleep and Ellie is settled on Jack’s chest, Robby and Jack just sit on the couch sipping tea, finally spending some time together.
Jack wants to bring something up, but he is worried how Robby will take it. Jack knows that Robby will immediately see the suggestion as an insult to his abilities as a parent, but it needs to be said. Jack rubs Ellie back as he carefully speaks, keeping his tone level. “I’ve been thinking”
“Oh no. That’s always dangerous”
Jack chuckles, wanting to cherish this small moment where Robby is acting more like himself, but he needs to say what he is thinking. “Maybe we hire someone. Just for a few hours during the day or for a few days a week. Give you a break and let you sleep”
Robby immediately stiffens, tensing his shoulders. He is mad, just as Jack expected. His defenses are up and that is evident in his tone. “No. That’s failure. I should be able to handle this. I’m their abba”
Jack can see the worry and shame on Robby’s face, so he takes a gentle tone with his husband. “Being their abba doesn’t mean doing it alone. It means keeping yourself sane enough to show up for them day after day.”
Robby’s eyes are getting glassy, his face is getting red with anger and his voice is cracking. “I can’t outsource being a father Jack”
“You’re not outsourcing babe, you’re surviving and survival isn’t failure. If a mom came into the ED with the exhaustion level you are at, you would immediately help her get support and encourage her to accept help. So why don’t you follow your own advice for once”
Robby is silent, staring into his mug. His jaw is tight, his shoulders are hunched and he doesn’t dare look at Jack because if he does, the waterworks will start. Jack shifts on the couch, so he can rub Robby’s leg, while also holding Ellie on his chest. “You’re allowed to need help Robby. That doesn’t make you less. It makes you human and it keeps you here with me and the kids.”
Robby swallows hard, but he doesn’t pull away from Jack, so, to Jack this is a win.
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The next morning, Robby is sitting on the couch drinking coffee as he watches Beau build a tower of block and rocks a fussy Ellie in her swing. Jack ran out real quick, Robby despises the man for having enough energy to go for a run, when he barely has the energy needed to walk the 5 feet from the couch to the coffee pot. When Jack returns, he is with Dana and a younger girl who seems cheerful, calm and put together. Her appearance is a direct contrast to Robby’s- his hair is unwashed, his eyes are shadowed, and he is in the same spit-up covered tee he has been wearing for days now at this point.
Robby immediately sits up when they enter the living room and in the most defensive tone, which borders on rude, bites out “Who’s this?”
“Rob, this is Miranda. She’s here to help. Just for a few hours, so you can sleep”
Robby snaps. “No offensive to you Miranda, but I said no. I don’t need a babysitter to help.
“Robinavitch, stop acting all high and mighty. She isn’t a babysitter, she’s a lifeline. You’re drowning.” Jack might be a little worried about pushing him too hard, but Dana isn’t.
Robby’s jaw stiffens as his eyes flash from Beau, to Ellie, to Jack. His voice cracks “If I can’t do it myself, what kind of parent am I?”
Jack crosses the room and sits down next to Robby. He gently rubs his neck as Robby puts his face in his hands. He whispers in his husband’s ear, only loud enough for the two of them to know what he is saying. “Babe, you are the kind that loves his kids enough to stay alive for them. The kind who knows when to lean on the people who love him.”
There’s silence as Robby’s throat tightens. Ellie is still restless, he looks over at the tiny girl and then at Beau who is humming to himself, oblivious of what is happening. His shoulders sink and sobs rack his body. Usually he would be embarrassed, but he is just too tired to care.
Robby whispers, more to himself than anyone else. “I’m so tired”
Dana comes over and grabs his hand, “Then go rest and let us carry you for a while. You always run yourself ragged, let us help you.”
Robby exhales, the sobs still shaking his body. He nods and at this cue, Miranda smiles and picks Ellie up. She settles the baby with practiced ease. Beau runs over to the girl, excited to show her the tower he built. Robby watches on stunned, as the chaos turns to silence. Silence has never sounded so good.
Jack leans over and kisses Robby’s cheek. “See? you aren’t failing, you are letting yourself breathe. Go take a nap and I will walk Miranda through the kids’ routines.”
Robby leans his head back against the couch, the tears still falling, but silent now. For the first time in weeks, he feels the weight lift off his shoulders, it’s not gone, but now he is sharing it.
——————————————————————
Robby wakes up, having slept for 3 hours, the longest consecutive stretch he’s had since Ellie was born. He slowly wakes disoriented and feels at peace, until he remembers the kids and launches up from the bed. Jack who is sitting next to him reading, slowly pulls him back down.
Robby’s voice is hoarse. “The kids. I fell alseep. Sorry!”
Jack smiles, “Nothing to be sorry for. You finally slept and the kids are fine”
Robby swallows hard, his voice breaking as he snuggles into Jack’s chest and speaks. “Thank you. For not giving up on me”
Jack presses a soft kiss to the top of Robby’s head. “I never will”
Robby takes a hold of Jack’s hand as he finally starts to believe that accepting help is failure. It’s survival and survival is love.