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It had been hours since she’d disappeared. To say Galinda was worried would be an understatement. Her mother had had to all but force the blonde to sit down, lest she wear a hole in the antique the family’s beloved quax wood floors. But she couldn't help it, she'd messed. She'd messed up so badly, she didn't know if she'd ever get the opportunity to fix it…or if she even deserved it.
Galinda had meant for this to feel safe, like an extension, albeit a massive one, of their beloved dorm room. A place for Elphaba to relax and heal and grow (and Galinda hoped quietly, to one day call home). The blonde had thought, hoped…maybe expected that being in her childhood home would provide Elphie a clean slate. I mean how could anyone dwell on the past when surrounded by the purest cuts of Gilikin marble.
In hindsight, Galinda can see the flaws in her thinking, in her abject failure to discern just how deeply her girlfriend's fears ran. Galinda had certainly tried, but breaking down the walls that Elphaba Thropp had brick by brick erected around her heart and psyche was not exactly a straightforward task. (Getting Elphaba to realize that Galinda was in fact interested in her and that the blonde also had full intentions to act on that interest had been an emotionally fraught process.) Even so, Galinda hadn't realized that outside of the little haven of their dorm, just how on alert Elphaba constantly was.
Her Popsicle would be fine -- merely suffering from a mild concussion and particularly annoyifying sprained ankle, nothing a little rest and the ever present adoration of wife and daughter couldn't fix.
But Elphaba didn't know that. From what her Popsicle had told her, her beloved had bolted from their shared bedroom before the latent energy from her magical outburst had even dissipated from the air.
Galinda knew Highmuster hadn't meant to startle his beloved daughter's beloved girlfriend. As a father and as a host, he was attentive. It was clear who Galinda had gotten her penchant for goodness from, with her Popsicle's tendency to unabashedly -- and a little recklessly -- dote on his wife and daughter. Also like Galinda, Highmuster could be a bit…intense. He hadn't meant to -- hadn't even considered that he could be -- a bit too much for Elphaba. Galinda had avoided telling her parents exactly why she was bringing her girlfriend home for Lurlinemas, but with what she had said Larena and Highmuster had made it their mission to provide as safe and stable of an environment as socialites could.
What none of the Uplands had considered, is that safe and stable, can feel even more dangerous than chaos to someone who's spent their entire life in turmoil.
It hadn’t even crossed Highmuster's mind that he shouldn't have been the one to wake Elphaba from her nap. With what little he knew of her upbringing, he didn't have the context to second guess how his actions might be interpreted -- the memories it would dredge up -- to have a man hovering above her while she rested.
In fact it wasn't until he was flying through the air that the error of his actions even registered. But it was the look in her eyes that truly wounded him -- the pure feral terror and betrayal -- a look he had never before seen in one so young.
Before he could gather the words, his thoughts truly, to apologize, Elphaba had disappeared -- she'd bolted past his crumpled form without so much as a word, breathing ragged, slightly sizzling hands stuffed beneath her armpits in silent retribution for her outburst.
And that was the last they'd seen of her.
Galinda had been frantic ever since. Her parents hadn't ever actually seen their daughter like this -- Galinda wasn't one to get overly attached to anything really.
But Elphaba, it seemed, was beginning to become more of a rule in their daughter's life rather than an exception.
Admittedly, they didn't exactly know what to do with that, with a visible attachment to the Upland name that aimed to defy all they presented themselves to be. But what they did know is there wasn't a world where they didn't support their beloved Galinda wholeheartedly.
With that fact established, they comforted her, as she fretted and wept and worried.
This Lurlinemas season was a particularly cold one, even by Gillikin standards, and Elphaba had left in a flash, leaving behind the various winter items that Galinda had gifted her just prior to their arrival.
No Elphaba had left everything behind, not even pausing long enough to slip on her boots before disappearing into the woodland behind the Upland Estate.
Galinda’s father had to all but hold her back from going out into the gardens herself to search for Elphaba, arguing that it wouldnt do either of them any good for the blonde to end up lost, sick or hurt.
Galinda had never known worry like this, had never feared abandonment so deeply. This was all her fault, her insistent desire to do good, to be good for her beloved Elphie had blinded her.
This was all too much, too fast and now Elphaba was gone and Galinda was scared she wouldn't come back, wouldn't give Galinda another chance to be there for her and love her.
Without the firm reassurance of emerald green eyes, Galinda was left to the insufficient comfort of her own mind, sure that this would finally be what made Elphaba stop loving her.
.......
Elphaba didn't know where she was. In fact she didn't know much of anything at the moment. Her heart had only just stopped racing, her trembling hands finally stilling once the magic sparking beneath her lithe fingers calmed.
Things had been going well, better than she could have ever hoped for. Galinda had stayed, had held her close and kissed her and loved her, despite her betrayals (st) past.
Elphaba had been hesitant to accept the younger girl's affections, entirely sure that as she revealed more of herself, showed Galinda that the horror of her body ran much deeper than the green of her skin, that the blonde would realize that she could do better and leave.
But she hadn't. No Galinda had only held her closer, pressed tender kisses to the scars Elphaba had worked up the courage to show her, pulled back and offered comfort with Elphaba shrunk under her gaze or flinched at her touch.
It had taken almost no convincing at all for Elphaba to allow Galinda to escort her home to Gilikin for the Lurlinemas break. The blonde's firm declaration that either Elphie came with her or Galinda would spend the break in Munchkinland had all but made the decision for the older girl. The last thing she wanted was Galinda in that house. Elphaba would never forgive herself if anything happened, so reluctantly to Gilikin she went.
She hadn't really known what to expect. Having been raised Unionist, she'd never actually celebrated Lurlinemas, nor, considering Munchkinland’s climate, had she experienced snow. Further, Galinda had entirely refused her request to warn her parents about Elphaba’s…condition, stating matter of factly that the Uplands would “love you as much as I do, verdigris included.”
Elphaba, not one to enter situations unprepared, found herself nearly sick with nerves as their carriage pulled up to Upland Estate. However, she could admit that Galinda had been right. Her time with the Uplands had been…well, lovely. Her mother, Larena, was kind and gentle, clearly where Galinda had gained both her beauty and the quiet parts of her often hyperbolic personality. And her father, Highmuster, Elphaba hadn't known that fathers ,men, like him existed outside of novels.
All bigs smiles, breathtaking hugs, and warm words. It was equally as clear to see where Galinda had developed the more outspoken aspects of her personality.
Together the Uplands were a vision, a small army determined to embrace Elphaba as she was and bring her into the fold of their somewhat unconventional life.
Where the green skinned girl expected disdain and disappointment, she found only admiration and delight.
The Uplands had shown her nothing but kindness, and she had managed to ruin it, and likely her relationship with Galinda in a single moment.
It hadn't been Highmuster she'd seen and felt when that firm hand had ghosted along her shoulder. It had been him in her mind. It had been so long since he'd touched her, since she'd felt the fear and dread that her magic, now more focused, had reacted out of instinct, her brain catching up entirely too late.
And in that second she'd ruined everything. She couldn’t go back. Not now, not with what she had done. There was no way that Galinda, let alone the Uplands themselves would ever forgive or trust her to be in their home ever again.
A shiver ran down her spine, more from the ache in chest than the chill surrounding her. She chuckled ruefully, Galinda had been right, Frottica was colder than any place Elphaba had ever been. It is was the exact perfect place to as the blonde had cheerfully giggled “sit inside and embracify as many stuffy old books” as the green-skinned girl could read.
In fact, it had been perfect. Every snow covered, rose scented inch of it. The Uplands had welcomed her so fully and completely, smiling softly at her, complimenting her brain, accomplishments, and weirdly her beauty. Larena had insisted on outfitting Elphaba in all manner of clothing more appropriate for an “Upland woman,” a phrase that had made Elphaba flush furiously, and Galinda look at her so warmly that Elphaba felt she might melt. And Highmuster, well he was everything Elphaba had imagined a father to be, warm and solid, steady in his affections and words.
That’s why her actions had been so bad, so devastating. He had given her more than she had ever deserved, they all had, and she had returned that grace and kindness, with pain and destruction.
Elphaba curled into herself, ignoring the numbness burning her toes and fingers and the sting of wind across her now purple cheeks. She deserved this. She should have never allowed herself to reach so close, to let her guard down so much.
She hoped it wouldn’t be Galinda who found her when the snow cleared and the ice melted, the younger girl would likely never recover from the shock. She hoped that whoever it was would be kind enough to bury her quickly, and simply inform the Uplands of their discovery after the fact.
That would be enough, it was a more graceful and gentle end than she had earned, that she ever really hoped for herself. Maybe Galinda would even leave poppies atop where the green skinned girl rested.
The thought warmed her, even as her eyes drooped in the cold,vision darkening, that Galinda would care about her enough to mourn.
.......
Her body ached, every single inch of it. Her skin burned and her limbs felt entirely too heavy to move. Her head pounded with every breath she took, drowning out most of her senses, she let out a whimper small and involuntary, her face scrunching in discomfort.
And then there was a voice, gentle, wet with tears whispering to her.
“You’re ok. You’ll be ok…please be ok.”
Elphaba shifted unconsciously towards the voice, her brow furrowing even in her half conscious state.
“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…I thought I could…I could fix everything by bringing you here.” The voice gasped and choked the words out through deep mournful sobs “ I thought that if you just spent enough time here, enough time with me, I could make it all go away. But I can't! I…I don't know how to help, I don't know what to do, I-i-i don't want you to go, but I don't know if staying here…being with me is what's best for you..”
Green eyes peeled themselves open, to find Galinda sobbing, her face pressed into the loose fabric of the night dress the older girl had been changed into.
The sight made Elphaba’s heart ache, the pain in her body all but forgotten. Despite the weakness in her limbs, the older girl somehow manages to force her fingers against the hand resting against the bed spread, intertwining the younger girl's with her own.
Galinda's head snaps up, watery brown eyes filling again, now overflowing with tears of relief
“Elphie” Galinda whispers her name so reverently, Elphaba’s throat constricts with guilt, her own eyes pooling, “I was so worried, I thought I'd lost you”
Her tears fell then. She didn't deserve this, Galinda’s worry, her tears.
“Please don't cry,” the older girl barely managed to rasp out, the shame evident, “I-I ruined everything… I- I don't…I don't deserve your concern…I'm just as much of monster as he said “
Galinda’s face crumpled, her sobs wracking her small frame as she squeezed Elphaba’s hand tighter, “Noo you aren't, y-y-you’re Elphie, my Elphie! And you're wonderful and beautiful and magical and…and…”
Elphaba watched as Galinda shrunk into herself, pulling the green girl's hand against her chest as she clutched it tightly with both her own.
“Galinda, my sweet…I”
“No! Don't you ‘my, sweet’ me! You're all I have Elphie! You're the only thing in this world I can't replace, what would I ever do without you!?” Galinda was babbling now, months of suppressed fears and anxieties pouring out between shaking gasps “ I love you, I'm in love with you, and you're hurting and I can't help, I can't fix it, I can't make it go away and I don't know how to be what you need and every time I try I just hurt you worse. I'm so sorry Elphie, I'm so so sorry..I never should have brought you here.”
Elphaba's tears were falling in rivers down her cheeks now.
“You are helping.”
Galinda shook her head fiercely, rejecting the notion in that dramatic way of hers.
“You are…because….because you love me. Because you stay even though I don't know how to. Because you want me here, with you, even if it doesn't make any sense. You help because you're, you Galinda.”
Galinda throws herself into Elphaba’s arms, finally managing to speak the words she'd been holding in for so long.
“I'm scared I'll lose you to it…the pain…the trauma…the memories. Today was my worst nightmare coming true.”
Elphaba pressed her face into Galinda's neck, breathing her in as tears cut lines across her features.
“I'm scared you'll leave because of it. Because I may never be able to make it go away, I may never be able to be what you deserve.”
“Oh Elphie,” Galinda rasped out pulling her closer, tunneling a hand through damp braids, “You're more than I've ever deserved…please stay Elphie…please. I know what you're thinking, but it's not true. You belong here, you belong anywhere I am.”
Of course Galinda could tell what she was thinking, how unmoored she still felt. She tried to speak, but the words wouldn't form, fragile as she was in this moment.
Galinda filled the silence in her stead, working to alleviate her fears “Popsicle is fine, truly, he and Momsie were just as worried for you as I was!”
Elphaba stiffened beneath Galinda's touch, “They…he isn't…upset with me?”
“No! Elphie no! He feels horrible about the whole thing. He realized he shouldn't have been the one to wake you, it won't happen again!”
Elphaba whimpered, her voice nearly a whisper.
“Again? He…you…want me to stay?”
Galinda looked at her now, cupping her face so that green could meet brown.
“Elphie, this is your home now, we'll…I'll always want you here.”
Elphaba's breath stuttered, her body instinctively leaning into Galinda's warmth, into her words.
“I…I don't know how to have a home.”
“That's ok. I've never had a home with you in it. We'll figure it out together.”
With those words, Elphaba felt something settle in her. The weight of Galinda's affections and the heaviness of the day, catching back up to her all at once, her eyes drooping heavily.
Wordlessly they folded deeper into each other, as Galinda traced sleepy patterns across the older girl's face and arms, voice airy and effervescent.
“You're ok Elphie. We're ok.”
......
The girls awoke to a light tapping at their bedroom door, Larena’s voice ringing out into the room.
“Girls, are you awake, can we come in?”
Galinda looked to Elphaba, a question in her eyes. The older girl nodded, not wanting to disappoint her. Galinda gave her a soft smile and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand.
“Come in”, Galinda called to her parents.
Elphaba's breath quickened, her gaze directed to the handmade quilt draped across her lap.
She winced at the soft thunk of what she imagined was Highmuster’s crutch against the plush rugged floors of Galinda's bedroom. She didn't know how she would ever go about apologizing for what she had done, how she could make it up for her mistakes.
So lost in her own thoughts she was, that she didn't register Highmuster gently placing a tray across her lap until his hands were already retreating.
She flinched slightly, before registering the meal set before her. A quick glance to the side revealed a similar tray placed across Galinda's lap, clearly Larena’s doing.
Elphaba finally allowed her eyes to track across the room, landing briefly on Larena before finding Highmuster, who was as expected leaning on a crutch, but surprisingly maintained a gentle smile despite his condition.
“You missed lunch and slept through dinner…” he offered gently.
“You can't skip meals in this weather Elphaba dear, you'll get dreadfully ill.” Larena followed up, “That and Highmuster was much too worried about you both to go to sleep.”
At that the large man blushed, the skin of his cheeks and nose flushing in a pattern Elphaba had become very familiar with in her time dating Galinda.
“Both of us?” Elphaba asked without thinking.
“Of course!” Highmuster answered without hesitation, his normally boisterous voice taking on a quieter lilt,clearly for Elphaba's benefit, “Couldn’t possibly rest without knowing our girls were alright.”
Elphaba stiffened, her heart catching on his words. She turned her head from them, hoping to keep the tears building in her eyes at bay.
Maybe…she really could stay here. At least…for today.