Chapter Text
It was exactly eight days after Eddie left that Buck hooked up with his ex-boyfriend. Three days after that, he had an emergency session with Dr. Copeland. He told her everything.
What happened with Eddie. With Ravi. With Tommy.
How the house felt too quiet and his life too tight, like he was suffocating inside it all over again.
She gave him an exercise: letters.
Letters to Eddie.
Letters where he could finally say every single thing he was terrified to say out loud.
Dr. Copeland said it didn’t matter if Eddie ever read them. “Just let yourself tell the truth.” She said.
So that night, Buck started.
Every truth he’d been swallowing finally found its way onto the page.
The first letter began like this:
-`♡´-
Dear Eddie,
it 's me Buck.
Honestly I don’t even know why I am introducing myself. It’s not like you are gonna read this. But Dr. Copeland told me to write these letters of all the things I've never told you, so I can at least get it off my chest… I guess that’s what I am doing.
I think everything started last year when you started being friends with Tommy. Actually, no. I’m pretty sure it started a long time ago. Probably when we took Chris to see Santa.
I never told you but the elf that helped Chris told me that we had an adorable son. She assumed that we were together. At the time I couldn’t correct her, I just told her thanks. But Shannon just got back to you so I couldn’t really let myself think about it. So I ignored it. During these past years this thought came back to me, more than a few times.
When the well collapsed on you and I thought that I lost you I had that though again. I lost you and I wasn’t able to tell you everything that I felt for you. I tried to get to you, I tried to dig you out with my hands. Bobby had to pull me aside. I wasn’t able to tell you after, tho. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. Or even if it was worth it. Not because you aren’t worthy of my feelings. But because I don’t think I’m worthy of you.
So I pushed it aside and dug it deeper in my heart.
When you were shot, part of me died. I was so scared Eddie. And look I know you don’t like me saying that it should have been me, but it should have been. Chris doesn’t deserve to grow up without you. So I would sacrifice myself every time if necessary. Sometimes when I think about what happened the taste of blood rushes through my mouth. Because I tasted your blood, and I know that I will never forget that taste. I’ve tasted your blood but not your lips. It kills me to even think about it.
Because it reminded me that losing you isn’t something I’d survive.
The thought came back then too, but once you were safe again I remembered you were with Ana. So again I pushed it back into my heart, deeper this time.
When I was in a coma, everyone was there. Chim and Hen, Bobby, Maddie, Daniel, even my parents and Doug. It was the life that I was supposed to live. Saving my brother and not growing up without him, without my parents.
But there were a few things wrong. Bobby for example, Doug also was abusing Maddie. So I knew I had to leave. But then I discovered what happened to you in that supposed life. And the thought of not having you and Chris in my life made me come back. A life without you two is not a life worth living.
Then you started dating Marisol and I forced myself to forget about it. Again.
It’s not like I thought you were going to return my feelings. You are straight, as much as Tommy doesn’t think so. But there was a feeling sometimes telling me that it could happen. Might just be my delusion tho.
When you met Tommy, he was taking you on dates, do you know that? I guess not really. But he was. I was never trying to get his attention. Never. But then he kissed me, and I thought. Well I can’t have Eddie, maybe I can have this?
It was the worst idea tbh. I hated dating him, it even made me think that maybe I don’t even like guys, but then the thought of you came back. And you were letting yourself feel joy again, I thought maybe this is my chance. Maybe this is it. We are going to stop dancing around each other, finally.
And I was gonna ask you out. I made you scones and I was gonna tell you to go to dinner with me. But then I found your tablet, your tablet where you were looking for houses in El Paso.
And I’m sorry, I’m sorry I looked like I didn’t want you to go.
I didn’t, but I would never ask you to choose between Christopher and me. Never. And the thought that you could even think that makes me want to puke. But I didn’t want you to leave. I still don’t.
But at least I have your house now. My house? I don’t know.
It’s not the same, I can’t even sleep in here without suffocating on the thought that I might never be able to live near you.
Do you know that if you would have asked me, I would have gone with you? Always.
Not even needing to be anything else than platonic best friends. I would have followed you. Until the end of the world.
I love you. I’m in love with you. I’ve always had. I’ll always be.
I love you in ways that I didn’t know it was possible. I’m truly, madly, deeply in love with you.
I’ll never stop.
I guess I will have to live in this unrequited love for you for the rest of my life. Even if you spend the rest of your life in El Paso.
I hope you don’t tho. Because if you move back at least I’ll have you near me again. I’ll take that. I’ll take everything that you give me. Whatever it is.
Anyway, if you want to know why I know about Tommy liking you I’ll tell you. But I guess I’m not? Because I’m telling it to Eddie that will never read this so… not really you.
Five days ago, I invited Ravi for some drinks. Something that will not be happening again lol.
I was drunk and sad and I was not shutting up about you. I never do but I guess being a sad drunk didn’t help.
Ravi saw Tommy at the bar. And he brought him to me. I gotta say that I wasn’t being a good friend to him, but going to Tommy and bringing him to me was worse.
Anyway we came back to your house, my house? And we had sex. In your bed. My bed?… I don’t know, it's confusing. Next morning he assumed we were gonna get together again and said something about the competition being out of the way. I didn’t know what he was talking about but apparently he was referring to you. After I lashed out at him for first: assuming that I'm in love with you. I am, I just don’t want to give him the satisfaction of being the first person to call me out on it. And second: assuming you are gay. I told him that you weren’t and he had the audacity to scoff. It made my blood boil. I mean, Do I daydream of waking up next to you for the rest of my life? Well yes, but that doesn’t mean that I assume you are gay.
He does tho. So as I was saying, I lashed out at him and he wasn’t really nice about it. He told me he shouldn’t have ever tried to settle with me. That he always wanted you. But since you weren’t even trying to reciprocate it, he settled with me.
I’m never the first option am I?
I’m tired, to be honest.
Of being the temporary fix, the almost, the easy-to-leave option.
I’m never enough, everyone leaves. Maddie left, Abby left, Ali too. Chris left, then you too.
And it hurts so much. Because I can’t blame you. None of them. I understand why Maddie left. I can understand why Abby and Ali left too.
Damn I understand Chris so much. I also ran away from home. From my parents. It’s not really the same, Chris ran away because he needed a bit of space from you, always keeping in mind to come back, or at least that's what I thought. But it’s also not the same because I had horrible parents, you guys don’t even know like half the shit they put me through. I've never been able to say it out loud. But you are the greatest father I have ever met. Maybe competing with Bobby. But you are. You really are. And the fact that you decided to move to El Paso demonstrates that.
Anyway my hand hurts. This was… not fun and depressing but it’s ok.
I love you, I miss you, come back to me. Please.
Please.
PD: I haven’t touched Chris' room, that's how much hope I have.
Forever yours,
Evan.