Work Text:
В конце туннеля яркий свет слепой звезды
Подошвы на сухой листве оставят следы
Ещё под кожей бьётся пульс, и надо жить
Я больше может не вернусь
А может, я с тобой останусь...
Останусь by Город 312
☆ ☆ ☆
When Eddie woke up this morning, he didn’t expect his day to turn out like that. At all. It’s certainly pretty unfortunate, a tad disappointing and a lot upsetting – he had many upcoming, hugely exciting and long-awaited plans down the line. And now there was a big chance he wouldn’t even have the opportunity to fulfill them. All because life decided to be a bitch. Again.
It’s really annoying, actually. As soon as Eddie feels like everything finally comes to a place, the rug is being pulled out under his feet.
And he falls.
He’s falling now. Not in love – he’s pretty sure that plane took off seven years ago, give or take. Not mentally – he’s been doing great these days, almost the best in his entire life (he could be better, undoubtedly. He knows it. If only he wasn’t such a pathetic chicken). He’s falling literally. Like in that Spider-Man movie Christopher adores and Buck’s always extra-emotional about. He sniffles quietly when the scene plays out on the screen, thinks he’s being sneaky, tries to hide it but Eddie notices. Of course, he does. Every. Single. Time. Eddie presses closer to Buck, rubbing their shoulders gently, as if it happened by accident, and sighs, content, when he sees a soft, barely there smile from the corner of his eye. They never discussed it, obviously. Brushed it off, put it in the box of things they just do. It’s them. No need to explain it, to find a reason, to look at it closely.
Eddie wishes they did. Wishes he wasn’t such a coward, wasn’t so blind to this beautiful thing he and Buck unintentionally created.
Now more than ever.
He’s still falling. Still stares up, looks at the sun and sees it like the light at the end of the tunnel. Doesn’t try to reach for it, terrified to find out what’s hiding behind it. He doesn’t want to, thinks it’s too early. Begs his heart to keep beating. He has to live. He has to. But maybe he won’t be able to make it out this time, won’t have the chance to fight for his life, for Christopher. For Buck.
Eddie would if he could. He would walk on scorched grass, glide on thin ice, gnaw his way home, dig himself out like all the times before. He wouldn’t let anything stand between him and his family.
But Eddie’s not a God. He’s just a human. He isn’t invincible. He’s vulnerable and fragile and pathetic. Insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
Mortal.
He hopes it’s not the end, but braces for the worst anyway. Learns to accept it.
Buck will too eventually. And he’ll help their son to live with it, to keep on going, as well. Eddie doesn’t doubt it for a second. He will watch over them, proud and eternally loving, always there to protect them, to be their guardian angel. Will remain the ash of the first and only drunk kiss on Buck’s lips, the glowing fire in his son’s mischievous eyes, the breathe of a summer breeze, blowing over them both softly, giving them a respite from the blazing sun. Will remain the light, dancing in the far, the morning light, the light from the shining stars. The shadow that casts from a candle, standing on the ofrenda. He will accompany them at all times. Never leave them in the dark.
Eddie lets the single tear fall, doesn’t suppress it, doesn’t wipe it away unlike previous times. Embraces the wetness on his cheek – the evidence of the things he hasn’t done, the mourning of what could’ve been, of what he might never have, never feel, never experience. The unlived memories that are slipping right through his numb fingers, playing out before him like a colorful teaser of the film that probably wouldn’t come out.
Nobody saw him fall. Nobody who matters, who he loves dearly, to be exact. They weren’t there and Eddie’s thankful for that. Grateful that Buck didn’t have to live through the horrors, the trauma that’s never really healed, again. Didn’t have to stand in front of him, unmoving, shocked, painted in Eddie’s blood and watch it with his own two eyes, filled with terror. Buck will only see the aftermath, the result, eat himself up with angry thoughts, unending ‘what-ifs’. He’ll take apart the accident over and over again, just like Eddie did with Shannon, with the firetruck bombing, with the tsunami. But he’ll stop looking for answers eventually. He’ll move on. Because nothing could be changed. Because you can’t redo what’s already happened.
Eddie closes his eyes, ignores the burning pain in his stomach and waits for the impact.
Maybe he will die today.
But maybe…
Maybe he will live to see tomorrow.
☆ ☆ ☆
Eddie comes to slowly. Gradually. He doesn’t feel a bone in himself, weightless and disoriented, tries to stay awake stubbornly and get ahold of his surroundings. Hears the muffled beeping sounds first, then unintelligible voices and blinks his eyes open. Eddie wants to groan as soon as he sees the hospital room, already fed up by what’s awaiting him next, but can’t – his throat is too dry to do so.
“You’ll give me a heart attack one of these days,” Buck says, already holding out a glass of water. He looks exhausted, anxious, his eyes weary and bloodshot with clear remnants of worry swimming in them. A straw pokes Eddie’s dry lips. He drinks obediently.
Once he’s done, Eddie reaches for Buck’s hand carefully, squeezes it in hopes to give him comfort. “I didn’t ask for it, Buck,” he says. I’m still here. I lived. Buck turns his hand over and interlaces their fingers like he’s terrified to let go. “I don’t know how it always happens to me.”
Buck snorts tearfully. “Is it your curse or something? To get shot over and over again?”
“Despite me not believing in all that stuff,” Eddie pauses with a sigh, stares at their hands minutely. Looks for the courage in this tender act. Because it is the evidence. It is them. “If it is a curse, then I finally know how to break it.”
“Yeah?” Buck asks breathily. Hopefully. Like he heard him without hearing the exact words.
Eddie nods, feels the corners of his lips twitching. “Mhm. Figured it out while I was falling. Felt like an eternity.”
“You had five seconds at most, I think. W-witnesses said it happened pretty fast.” Buck almost says it as if he was announcing it on the local news but his voice is shaking. Eddie grips his hand harder.
“Maybe for them. I, personally, managed to reevaluate my whole life, regret some of the choices I made, mourn the days I didn’t get to live and accept my fate.”
Buck snorts again. He always does when he’s on the verge of a mental breakdown. “Sounds really productive.”
“Didn’t have time to waste.” Eddie manages a small smile, then winces from sudden pain. His face hurts terribly for some reason. Burns like it’s on fire. He wants to ask Buck about it but is interrupted before he has a chance to open his mouth.
“The asshole is apprehended, by the way,” Buck informs him, angry and vindictive. “They found him in his apartment, high out of his mind. He doesn’t even remember doing this to you,” he sounds incredulous, can’t wrap his head around it clearly. The way someone harmed Eddie and just didn’t care, didn’t suffer from guilt. Eddie almost died and this guy, this waste of a breath, didn’t realize what he’s done, just brushed it off like it didn’t even happen. “What were you doing on the roof anyway?”
Eddie frowns, trying to recall everything by order. “I saw him from the ground. Thought he was going to jump, called 9-1-1, but they said they were short on resources at the moment, so I decided to help myself. Went to the roof, he got scared shitless for some reason. I tried to deescalate the situation,” Eddie huffs self-deprecatingly. It wasn’t his finest moment. “Didn’t work well, as you can see. He fired a gun by accident and I fell over the edge by the impact.”
“Oh, Eddie,” Buck chokes on his tears, squeezing Eddie’s hand tighter, painfully. Eddie welcomes it, relishes in the feeling. Because he still feels. He breathes and his heart keeps on beating. He’s here. He’s alive. “Always a damn hero.”
“Says who exactly?”
“Touché.”
They don’t talk for a bit. Just watch each other carefully, shyly, as if they both can’t believe they’re actually able to do that.
“Oh, shit!” Buck exclaims suddenly, almost making Eddie jump. He isn’t in the best condition right now but he’ll fight whoever and whatever bothered his best friend any way he can. No. Not only best friend. The love of his life. “I should probably get you a doctor. I’m so stupid.”
Eddie calms instantly, feels his strained muscles relax a little.
“It’s okay. I needed this,” Eddie says, making Buck sit still with just one look. “You and me, I mean,” he adds quickly and bashfully, spurred on by unexpected courage. “Alone.”
Buck’s breath hitches. “Yeah? Why?”
“You know why,” Eddie responds more bravely, with a clear meaning behind his words.
Buck parts his lips slightly, his cheeks reddening. “I-I do?”
“It’s a bit early for that, you know,” Eddie jokes, his eyes sparkling with childish mischief. “And no way in hell I’m having a wedding at the hospital while I can’t even stand on my fucking feet like Chimney.”
“A wedding?” Buck squeaks, his voice unnaturally high-pitched.
Eddie furrows his brows, unsure. Feels his heart drop out of his fucking ass. “You want that, right?”
“Of course, I want that! Just didn’t think you did. W-with me.”
Eddie untenses immediately. Fuck. He didn’t read it wrong. Thank God. Buck really got him scared there for a second. “Only you. I don’t want it with anyone else.”
“Oh,” Buck exhales in awe. “Okay. Cool.”
“Just cool?” Eddie teases, grinning brightly. His heart flutters from the way Buck beams back at him, cheeks flushed and eyes shining from the wetness.
“No, not just cool. Great, wonderful, incredible, otherworldly... Everything I’ve ever dreamed of.”
Eddie nods, satisfied. “Thought so.”
“I’ll get the doctor now. We’ll talk more later, right?”
“And not only that, hopefully,” Eddie answers cheekily, looking Buck over and biting his lip for good measure.
Buck squeezes his eyes shut like he’s being physically tortured. “Eddie, fuck.”
“Exactly, you got it.”
“Asshole.”
“Stop imagining things, Buck,” Eddie scolds him playfully, feigning indignation. “We’re at the hospital!”
“I hate you.”
“Even when I love you?”
Buck stares at him, speechless for a whole second too long. “Oh my God,” he speaks finally, tearing up. “I love you, too. So much.”
Eddie chokes on his spit. He didn’t expect Buck to say it as easily. “I want to kiss you so bad now,” he says, urgent, his insides warming just from the mere thought of it.
“Doctor first, Eddie.”
“No, please. Kiss first.” Eddie looks at him pleadingly.
“Shit,” Buck swears under his breath, chews his cheek. “Alright. But only one, okay?”
“Okay,” Eddie agrees without much thinking, nodding his head in anticipation of what’s to come. He waits impatiently while Buck gazes at him like he’s seeing him for the first time and then leans down, finally pressing their lips together. Eddie gasps in his mouth, loses his breath, brings up his hand to caress Buck’s cheek and deepens the kiss, biting Buck’s lip, sucking it in and swallowing the needy whine that follows immediately. They break apart reluctantly after or minute or so, but Eddie doesn’t let Buck get too far, holding him firmly in place by the back of his head. Lives in the moment. Takes it in, appreciates it for what it really is – fragile act of love, bravery and acceptance all at once. Something that he could lose today but got despite all the unfavorable chances.
He did it. He survived.
“I’m so happy I managed to break through,” Eddie whispers reverently, bringing their foreheads together, brushing their noses. “I wanted it for so long I can’t even remember when it started.”
His breath catches when he feels a sole tear falling from Buck’s eye. “Me too.” Buck chokes, pecks Eddie’s chapped lips again. “So glad and so much grateful. But please,” he sighs tiredly, bringing his red swollen lips to Eddie’s cheek. “Don’t ever do that again, okay? Because I might die from worry.”
Eddie wishes he could give that promise but he knew it wasn’t in his power.
“I’ll try,” he says even with the knowledge that someday he won’t be so lucky. Someday he won’t win.
Someday he’ll become the flickering light, the breeze, the memory.
He just hopes that on his last day on Earth he’ll be finally ready to face it. Without any regret. Without fear. Loved and in love.
At peace.
Someday. Just not today.