Work Text:
“I don’t think this is as big of a deal as you think it is, love.”
Ilya’s voice was gentle but sure as he spoke to his boyfriend, trying to cut through the other man’s panic as he paced the living room of the cottage. Shane paused in his motions, furrowing his eyebrows as he crossed his arms and stared at him unblinkingly,
“You don’t think this is a big deal? This is new, and scary.” Shane stated the obvious as he wrung his hands together, squeezing one over the other as if the motion would make this situation less difficult. He dropped his voice a bit lower, a bit softer, “And embarrassing, honestly.”
“Hey, no. Don’t do that.” Ilya leaned forward a bit in his position on the couch, correcting him with a softness reserved only for Shane, reaching out to him wordlessly. “We’ve talked about this, yes? Your therapist recommends it and you even said it could be good for you. So we’re trying it, okay?”
Shane hesitantly dropped his hands from their fidgeting position and came forward to put his hands in the other man’s, “You know that you don’t have to be here. I can- I can try this on my own.”
Ilya pulled him forward, guiding him into a straddling position so that he was on his lap and facing him. Shane seemed a bit confused but fell into the motion easily, noticeably loosening up some when Ilya placed a hand in the small of his back to hold him there.
Just then, when they were sat like that, the anxiety about the items in the bags on the kitchen table and what was going to follow faded away just enough for Shane to catch his breath.
“I think you know that you’re not telling the truth.” Ilya told him, “You’re too much in your head for that. You feel…self conscious?”
He sounded questioning in the way he did when he wasn’t sure if he was using the right English word, and Shane nodded softly. Ilya continued,
“You feel self conscious and you wouldn’t be able to have fun and relax like this is supposed to let you do.” he finished, “So, I think it’s a good idea if we do this together first. I can reassure you that everything’s okay. I can take care of you.”
“But you don’t have to.” Shane told him insistently, letting his hands rest on his shoulders. “I’m your boyfriend. You didn’t sign up to care for a kid- a baby, at all. I should be able to handle things without-”
“No, no more.” Ilya cut him off, and it’s gentle but firm. “I want to take care of you. I don’t doubt that you can handle things, but you should also be able to unwind. This is a way you might be able to do that. Remember-”
“If we try it and hate it, we don’t have to do it ever again.” Shane finished for him with a fond eye roll. He giggled, then, and Ilya fell into laughter with him.
The darker-haired man then threw his arms over his head and melted into a hug as Ilya wrapped his arms around him and rocked them back and forth, just slightly, in the way he knew the other man liked.
Convincing one tightly-wound Shane Hollander that trying a coping mechanism involving mentally regressing back to a younger age was a good idea on any level had taken months of soft suggestions from his therapist, hours of his own personal research followed by a soft confession to Ilya about what he had been stressed about, all followed by a million conversations and reassurances that if he wanted to try it out, Ilya would be there for him.
Ilya did his own research too, obviously. He wrapped his head around it and came to the conclusion that it would probably help Shane take a break, if he could get past any internal shame that could come with it.
And maybe there was a small part of Ilya Rozanov who liked the idea of being able to take care of someone so entirely, so completely.
Ilya waited for Shane to pulled back from the embrace first before speaking again, “If you get anxious or you don’t like how you feel, just say so. I can help you out of the headspace, okay?”
Shane nodded, humming. He picked at nonexistent lint on Ilya’s shirt as he avoided eye contact with him, “I know that I’ve already said this, but I’m autistic and I wasn’t as good at masking as a kid. If I’m fussy or anything, I might just be overwhelmed.”
“I know, baby.” Ilya smiled at him, “How about we start with that? Lowering all the lights some, getting you into cozier clothes, making some of your favorite food- Mac n Cheese? With some ginger ale?”
Shane nodded a bit too quickly, seeming excited by the offer, before pausing for a moment and verbally answering with less excitement, “Yes, please.”
“Very polite.” Ilya praised. He brought one hand up to lift his chin, gently guiding his gaze upwards so that the other man was looking at his face. He didn’t force eye contact, and he wouldn’t. “I can understand nods fine for yes or no questions, if words get hard, okay? And you’re very good at telling me what you might need- I want you to keep doing that throughout today, as much as you can.”
Shane hummed again. “I would like cozy clothes now, please.”
They had gotten back to the cottage from an embarrassing errands trip a bit less than an hour ago, where Shane gathered childhood items from his parent’s house and they picked out a few things from a grocery store. Shane had told his parents some lie about handing the stuff down to Hayden’s kids or storing it at the cottage, and if they didn’t believe him, they weren’t concerned enough to question it any further.
The darker haired man got flushed and whiny trying to answer questions about what color sippy cup he might want, or if there were specific snacks he liked as a kid. Standing in the children’s aisle while shopping made everything feel more real and made him feel silly for letting this get so far.
Ilya knew Shane enough to pick out things he would probably like and move on, but it still sent the man into another spiral of overthinking about trying this new, scary thing he had been trying to mentally adjust to for months now.
Hence, the pacing around the living room and anxious stimming and the following reassurance from Ilya.
“Okay, yes, let’s go.” the curly-haired blonde tapped his thigh to signal him to stand up, helping stabilise him as he climbed off of him before following him through the first floor of the cottage. Shane led the way to their bedroom, not letting go of the other man’s hand after being helped up off of the couch and instead tugging him along.
Ilya was perfectly capable of finding his own way to their bedroom, but it was sweet, so he didn’t dare say a word or point out what he was doing.
Shane let go once they got to the room, pausing momentarily as he considered what he wanted to change into. He shifted his weight between one foot and the other, and the mindless fidgeting while making a simple choice so openly was nice to see.
Shane only fidgeted openly like that when he was anxious or overworked or really out of it- to see it so casually caused a fond, soft feeling Ilya didn’t know how to describe to well up in his chest.
“Do you want me to help you pick something to wear?” he offered, and Shane stopped in his stimming motions.
“I can do it myself. I’m just thinking.” he sounded a bit defensive, and then he frowned at his own tone like he hadn’t expected his words to come out that way. “Sorry- I can’t think. Yes, you can help, please.”
“No need for apologies. Always with the ‘pleases.’” Ilya chuckled, stepping towards the dresser and pulling out a lower drawer to look for one of the few softer pairs of pajama pants Shane owned. He found a pair and held it up for him, “You want these ones?”
Shane considered them, all soft and light and fuzzy in colors of blue and white. They were part of a matching set with Hayden’s family from when he had spent Christmas eve with them a year or two back. They were made gentle enough for the kids and in sizes big enough for the adults.
“Yes, please.” Shane reached out for them, and when Ilya handed them over with a gentle smile, he added quickly, “Thank you.”
“You can change your pants while I find you a soft shirt, okay?” Ilya suggested, motioning to the bathroom connected to the bedroom. Shane nodded along easily, stumbling off like his feet were more clumsy than he expected them to be. Ilya’s next words came softly and fondly, as if he knew what he were doing by saying them, “Be careful, sweetheart.”
Shane didn’t respond, tucking himself into the bathroom hastily, but Ilya was sure he could see a gentle flush making it’s way to the boy’s face.
Ilya went through a few of the other drawers and plucked out some shirt options, opting for soft or light-fabric choices. A tank top that would leave most of his skin unrestricted, a gentle white cotton shirt that had stretched over the years.
He had a feeling he knew which one he’d pick out, though.
He added one of his own shirts to the options laid out on the bed, a Raiders shirt that had been ordered in the wrong size and ran big on Ilya when he wore it. On Shane, though, it fell lower than it should’ve and left him looking as soft as ever.
When the bathroom door creaked open a bit later, just a crack, Ilya smiled when he saw Shane peeking out.
“Come, let me see you.” he motioned for him, “No need to hide.”
“I feel silly.” Shane admitted, and it’s quiet. He opened the door and stepped out, fidgeting with his hands again. “Uh, soft. Small.”
“Well, you’re trying to be like child, yes?” Ilya tried, and Shane took a moment before nodding. “Children are soft and small. That’s normal. They’re silly, too, sometimes. That’s all they’re meant to be.”
“Oh.” Shane ducked his head.
“Don’t worry about anything, okay? Just be soft and silly and small and I’ll take care of rest, yes?” Ilya held out his hand, and Shane came to him and took it. He let out a breath, then, and he seems to feel a little better. “I got out shirts for you. Softer and lighter ones, some that cover less skin if fabric touching you is too much right now.”
He motioned to the shirts he was talking to as he explained, but Shane immediately locked onto Ilya’s Boston Raiders shirt and he reached for it. “Want that one.”
“Yes?” Ilya chuckled, earning a definitive hum. “I knew it. You’re predictable, Hollander.”
“It’s cozy.” Shane pouted as he defended himself, and Ilya realized that he was upset.
“I’m only teasing you, baby.” Ilya told him, leading him to sit on the edge of the mattress, “It’s nice that you like the same things- it’s easy to make you happy. Give you my too-big shirt, feed you Mac n Cheese and ginger ale. Is simple.”
“Simple.” Shane repeated, separating the syllables carefully as he looked up at the other man. He giggled, seemingly liking the way the word felt in his mouth. “Pre-dict-able.”
“Are you having fun with that?” Ilya chucked fondly, lifting the boy’s arms in the air, “Keep them up for now.”
“I’m having fun.” Shane confirmed as Ilya lifted the shirt he had been wearing over his head, “I’m feeling…a bit scared, but I’m okay.”
“Oh, yeah?” Ilya set the old shirt aside and helped guide the new one on, “Why are you feeling scared?”
“I’ve never felt like this before.” Shane was swaying his feet below him slightly, not enough to kick Ilya but enough for the other man to notice. He was tangling his hands up in the fabric of the blankets once Ilya let him drop his arms, too, “And feelings are hard. Especially new ones. But you’re making me feel safe. So I think I’ll stop feeling scared soon.”
“That’s all I want, okay?” Ilya told him, “For you to feel safe. Is there anything else I can do to make you feel safe? Or soft? Or small? Or silly?”
“Lots of ‘s’ words.” Shane giggled again, and it’s such a sweet sound. “Can I help you make the Mac n Cheese? I used to help my Daddy- my dad, with it. When I was actually this small.”
“I’m sure you’re an even better kitchen helper now then you were then.” Ilya nodded, deciding not to point out his slip up or the way his voice was falling into a softer, higher-pitched tone. “What do you mean, ‘this small?’ How small are you, baby?”
Maybe he was laying it on thicker than he needed to with the pet names, but Shane’s parents used them even as he aged and he knew he secretly loved them when he was big, too.
“Um. Seven or eight, maybe?” Shane sounded unsure. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize, love.” Ilya told him, cupping the sides of his face with his hands. “That’s a great answer, okay? This is all so new and so much at once, and you’re doing really good talking to me and telling me what you want and need. So good.”
“I’m trying.” Shane nodded, leaning into the touch. “I love you, Ilya.”
Ilya’s face softened even more, somehow. “I love you too, Shane.”
He leaned forward to press a kiss to his forehead, letting it linger for a moment before pulling back. “How about you go get the Mac n Cheese stuff together while I put the rest of these shirts back? Don’t touch any knives or mess with the stove- I can get those when I come out there. Just read the box and get the ingredients and set them on the counter.”
Shane nodded along, taking the instructions easily. He jumped up and scurried out of the room, eager to help out in whatever way he could. Ilya took a moment to calibrate himself, to process all the soft, gentle emotions Shane was bringing to the surface as he put all the extra clothes away.
Ilya had always liked kids, and he had always liked the idea of taking care of one. He was good at being playful and roughhousing, but he was also able to be gentle and sweet when the situation called for it.
It just so happened that caring for Shane and helping him feel comfortable with this new part of himself was a situation that called for the utmost gentleness. It was nice to be trusted with such a vulnerable part of him, to help him get a break and take a breath.
It was so, so nice to get to take care of him.
The fond feelings it was stirring up might kill him before he got to enjoy it, but that didn’t make it any less lovely.
When he creeped back out to the open area that held the kitchen, he saw Shane sitting on the kitchen counter, holding a box of pre-packaged Mac n Cheese and studying the label. He swung his feet back and forth under him more freely than he had on the mattress, and there was everything they could need to prepare the food sitting next to him.
The milk, the butter, a medium-sized pot, measuring cups, a strainer, a spoon to stir everything with.
“Oh, wow, you’ve already done half the work for us.” he praised teasingly, “Thank you, baby.”
“You’re welcome!” Shane smiled, all teeth and pure childish joy. Ilya kissed the side of his face once he was close enough to do so, gently taking the box from him.
“How’d you get up on the counter, hm?” Ilya questioned, “I didn’t think I’d have to tell you not to climb.”
Shane flushed, pouting and jumping to defend himself, “It’s not very high. I wanted to swing my legs.”
Ilya should’ve known he would’ve done this- he tended to, when they were cooking together. He said it was easier to sit there, so that he could be helpful and close to Ilya, but he always ended up falling into the same motion he was doing now.
It was sweet.
“I see. Just wait for me to be in the room next time, yes? I don’t want you to fall.”
Shane seemed like he had more to say about that, about how he wouldn’t fall because he wasn’t clumsy or a baby, but he just scrunched up his nose and replied politely: “Yes, okay.”
Ilya gets the food started, then, letting Shane fill the pot with water to boil and setting it on the stove top to do so. He got out plates for them and cleared the table of the bags from earlier and set all the lights on the first floor to their lowest setting and let Shane open a can of ginger ale to sip on and had him measure out the milk and butter to set aside.
The boy’s hands were a bit clumsy on the can, and Ilya had to help him adjust his hold on the aluminum so that he wouldn’t risk dropping it, but all was well.
As Ilya was mixing the butter and milk and cheese powder into the noodles, “Are you still feeling okay, Shane?”
He nodded, ducking his head to look down at his lap and fidget with his hands there.
“Yes, I think so. Um. Less scared, now, but I think I’m smaller?”
“Yes?” Ilya smiled at the mostly unprompted and honest admission,
“That’s okay. We talked about that before- it can happen as I keep taking care of you. You should reach a comfortable level and stay at the same age, but even if you keep getting smaller and smaller until you’re just a baby, I’ll take care of you. You don’t need to worry about it either way.”
Shane nodded again, bringing his hand to his mouth to chew on his thumbnail.
Ilya tilted his head, “How small are you, do you think? It’s okay if you’re not sure, I just need your very best guess, okay?”
Shane glanced up at him, and it’s shy and sweet and soft and all the other ‘s’ words they had been talking about earlier. “Three. Or four. I don’t know.”
“I can work with this.” Ilya finished mixing up the food and grabbed for a plate, “We will eat and then we can go through the stuff we picked up from your parents and the store to find something to do before bed, yes?”
Ilya knew that Shane usually thrived on a decently solid plan being put in place, even if bits and pieces were vague and it appeared one step at a time. Even knowing what he would be doing next would help him function in his day to day life.
This younger, softer Shane seemed to do well the same way.
It was clothes and then dinner and then, going through the kid things to decide what was next.
Ilya insisted on helping Shane down from the counter, spinning around before setting him down on his feet and adoring the sound of the boy’s laughter as he did so. Then, they’re sitting down at the table, and Shane is clumsily grasping the small fork Ilya set out for him and trying his hardest not to make a mess while he eats.
“Oh, hold on, sweetheart.” Ilya stopped him with gentle hands while the mess was just on his face and not all over his clothes and the table. “Let’s try something different, okay? It should help. I’m going to go grab some stuff from the bags over there.”
He motioned to the living room coffee table where he had moved everything, and Shane followed him with his eyes before nodding. He let the blonde set the fork down and didn’t move for it again, waiting patiently and politely for Ilya to go and come back.
Ilya was quick as he located the items that popped into his head, grasping an old dinosaur-themed bib from Shane’s actual toddler years and a blue space-themed sippy cup he had picked out for him from the store earlier that day.
“I’m back, baby. I’m going to put this over your head and it will make sure you don’t get any food on your shirt.” Ilya moved to put it on him before Shane could really process what was happening, mostly to avoid him getting embarrassed about using something so specifically meant for a small child.
“I could get cheese on the dinos, though.” Shane’s complaint was an entirely unexpected one, paired with a slight pout. Ilya had to stop himself from chuckling fondly at the sweet, childish absurdity of it- at how earnest the boy’s worries about getting Mac n Cheese on embroidered dinosaurs were.
Instead of laughing or kissing his forehead or anything like that, he says, “If you have trouble with it, I’ll help feed you, okay?”
“Okay.” Shane nodded, going to grab his fork, “I try my best.”
“I know you will, sweetheart.” Ilya them grabbed his still mostly-full can of ginger ale and headed towards the sink, earning complaints from the mentally toddler-aged boy.
“Was drinkin’ that!” he said it with the obvious muffling of a forkful of food being halfway in his mouth, and it’s made even more endearing when he finishes the bite before saying, “Sorry. Shouldn’t talk with food in my mouth.”
“It’s okay, honey. I’m just putting your drink in a cup that will be easier for you.” Ilya took the sippy cup from the packaging easily, setting to work rinsing it out, “I’ll be quick, I promise.”
He returns to the table no more than thirty seconds later, and Shane already had more cheese on his face than before and a few noodles on his newly acquired bib.
“I’m not good at this.” Shane told him, holding out the fork in a childishly frustrated motion, “Help me, please?”
Ilya does chuckle fondly, then, pulling out the chair he had been in to sit next to him before taking it. He set the sippy cup down next to his plate and then moved to scoop another bite up, “I will clean up your face once you’re all done, and we’ll wash the bib. Your dinos won’t have cheese on them forever because you are very particular about what laundry detergent you use and it’s the best kind.”
Shane nodded like this was satisfying to him before asking, “Do you think the dinos are scared of the washer?”
It’s a silly question, but Ilya had told him that it was his job to be silly. Ilya fed the boy a bite before answering with a question, “Are you scared of the bath?”
“Nuh-uh. I like baths. You can put- put bubbles. And rubber duckies.” he said definitely.
Ilya made a mental note of an activity they could do if Shane decided he wanted to keep doing this after tonight.
“Well, the washer is like bath time for the dinos on your bib or the cats on your favorite blanket. Or your stuffed animals, if they ever needed it. They also get bubbles- I’m not sure about rubber duckies, though.”
They continue to talk like this throughout dinner, and none of it really makes sense, but it doesn’t have to. It’s silly and soft and sweet and that’s all it needs to be.
Shane insists on helping clean up once his plate is cleared and his face is wiped off and his bib is removed, which mostly entails him being handed something and told where to put it until the dining room and kitchen were more or less reset.
“All done!” he clapped his hands together, and he’s giggling again. Ilya kissed the side of his face, all affection and gentle touch,
“All done.” he repeated, “You ready to go look through all the fun stuff?”
“Yes, please.” Shane grabbed for his sippy cup, which he adjusted to easily as it wasn’t much different than the pop-top water bottles that filled their locker rooms and sat under the tables during sit-down interviews.
He used his other hand to grab Ilya’s, and he led him to the living room before lowering himself to his knees by the coffee table. The other man mirrored his position and grabbed for a bag, what remained of the stuff he had picked out.
“This is the stuff I got you at the store earlier, when you were feeling a bit overwhelmed?” Ilya offered the bag to him to unpack, “I wanted you to feel supported, but I didn’t want to upset you by asking you more questions when you were already so stressed out, so I guessed some.”
“That’s okay. You know me and love me a lot. Bet you picked well.” Shane sounded sure in his words, like he had repeated them in his head a million times over and was only just now saying them out loud. He opened the bag and gasped, “It’s a bunny!”
He pulled it out of the bag with urgency, and his face lit up when it made a rattling sound with the movement. He shook it, just gently, giggling when he heard the sound again. He held it to his chest in a hug, rocking back and forth, just enough to hear the rattling.
“Is the rabbit a baby?” Ilya questioned, and his voice has gone too soft to turn back, now.
He hoped Shane would want to do this again, that he would always get to take care of him in this way, and maybe that’s selfish of him.
It’s hard not to be selfish, though, when Shane was as sweet as he was.
“Yes. I want to name her Lily. After you.” he decided immediately, and he moved on like this wasn’t having a massive effect on Ilya’s heart, “You just got her today, so she’s an itty bitty baby. Smaller than me. You have to hold her while I go through everything else.”
He held her out, all cradled in his arms like she were an actual newborn, and there’s no way to describe the protective feelings that well up for Ilya, then. He takes the stuffed animal into his arms, holding her to his chest and supporting her head like he thought you were meant to do with small babies.
Shane nodded as if this were satisfactory before digging back into the bag. The last item was a small throw blanket, made up of simple pastel stripes in a fluffy, gentle fabric similar to the kind some hotels used- the kind Shane would always say he liked but would never go out of his way to retrieve for himself.
“It’s so soft.” Shane was rocking back and forth again, running his fingers over the blanket and holding it to his face. He looked at Ilya, then, and he looked like he wanted to ask for something but he didn’t know how. He ducked his head again, and he was flushing.
He brought one hand to his lips to chew on his thumbnail, and Ilya tsked ever-so-lightly before pulling it away. “If I had thought about it, I would’ve gotten you something to chew on. If you want to keep doing this, we’ll get you something, okay?”
Shane nodded, “That would be nice.”
“What’s going on in your head, love?” Ilya kept rocking the ‘baby’ in his arms, “You can ask for whatever it is you want. I’m sure I’ll give it to you.”
“Can we watch a movie and cuddle? Did it with my momma a lot when I was little.” Shane seemed embarrassed by his request, but Ilya only smiled reassuringly,
“Of course. All of this other stuff can wait for another day, yes?” Ilya set to work moving them off of the table so that they wouldn’t block their view of the tv, keeping one arm expertly tucked around the stuffed animal he had been tasked with holding.
“Yes. Next time.” Shane decided, and the implications make Ilya melt from the inside out all over again. The regressed boy moved to stand up, steadying himself on the coffee table. “Should brush my teeth, in case I fall ‘sleep during movie.”
“You’re so smart, sweetheart. I’ll set us up with pillows and blankets and then while you pick out a movie, I’ll brush my teeth.” Ilya outlined a plan again, because Shane always did better that way. “You might have to watch the baby while I brush mine, though.”
Shane giggled at the elaborate pretending, nodding along easily.
Ilya sets up pillows and blankets and by the time Shane is finished debating between Winnie the Pooh and Charlie Brown, he’s able to brush his teeth and swap the remaining ginger ale in his sippy cup for some warm milk. If he had thought it all through, he would’ve learned a recipe and gotten the ingredients- one of the sweet milks with sugar and cinnamon and vanilla extract.
Next time, he echoed in his head, and it’s a soft, dreamy sort of thought.
“Winnie the Pooh?” Ilya hummed, turning off some of the lights so that they were left with just the lamps in the living room and the glow of the television. “I’ve never watched this one.”
Shane gasped, “Really? It’s my favorite!”
“I’m sure it will be great, then.” Ilya came to sit next to him on the couch, pulling blankets over both of them and giving Shane his sippy cup as he wrapped his arm around his shoulders, “You have great taste, don’t you?”
“The best.” Shane nodded, fumbling with the remote to turn the movie on before settling into Ilya’s side, holding the newly-named “Baby Lily” to his chest with one hand and tangling the other up in the patch of blanket laid over Ilya’s chest as if that would bring them even closer.
He moved as if he wanted his sippy cup, but he pouted when he realized he would have to let go of Ilya or his stuffed animal to pull that off, clearly not wanting to make such a choice.
In a small voice, he asked, “Can you help me with my sippy cup, please?”
“You want me to hold it up for you, like a baby with a bottle?” Ilya didn’t mean to sound teasing, just trying to understand his request. The boy squirmed, though, and the blonde was willing to bet that if the lights were any brighter, he’d see a flush on his cheeks.
“I’m not the baby, Lily is.” Shane whined, “I just don’t have enough hands for cuddling and drinking my milk.”
“I wasn’t trying to call you a baby.” Ilya reassured, grabbing for the cup with the arm that wasn’t wrapped around Shane. “I just wanted to understand. I can help you, love.”
He doesn’t say the quiet part out loud- the part where Shane was his baby, just then. The part where he wanted to have the privilege of him being his baby forever, whenever he needed a break or a breath or to be taken care of.
It goes unsaid, but they both know it.
What goes said instead is whispered in a sleepy slur once Shane drains the sippy cup and they melt into one another while watching cartoon animals on the tv screen. Maybe there’s some more nonsense conversation, then, about the storyline playing out or about playing in the woods like Winnie and his friends “next time.”
“I love you, Ilya.” Shane tells him, and Ilya can tell by the way his voice trails off that he’s just seconds from falling asleep. Ilya is, too, but he intends on holding on until the regressor is fast asleep in his arms.
“I love you too, Shane.”
--
Ilya wakes up first the next morning to Shane still tucked into his side, Baby Lily held loosely in his arms and sippy cup and remote somewhere on the floor at their feet. The television had turned itself off at some point in the night, and sunlight streamed in through the windows.
It’s a sweet, domestic sort of sight.
Shane stirs before Ilya is done enjoying it, done soaking in the memories of the night prior. He lifts his head, just slightly, leaving Baby Lily behind to rub at his eyes.
“What time is it?” he asked, first, and Ilya shrugged.
“I have no clue where either of our phones are, but it’s probably mid-morning. Nine, ten.” he answered, “Did you sleep well?”
“I’m not a kid anymore, you don’t have to fuss over me.” Shane complained, but there was no bite to it. He didn’t mind the fussing. He answered after a look from his boyfriend, “Good. Best I have in a while. I was…comfortable. Safe.”
“Yeah?” Ilya let himself sound happy at that, “I’m glad to hear it.”
“I don’t- I don’t uh, remember everything as clearly as I should. And I feel,” he motioned over his forehead, “Foggy? My therapist said those are normal side effects, but I thought I’d tell you.”
“What do you remember?”
“Doing a lot of silly kid things that felt right at the time.” Shane admitted, “Pretending the stuffed animal you got me was a baby. Needing help with my food.”
“Kids are silly sometimes.” Ilya shrugged, “I can play pretend and help feed you, no worries. If you want me to, I mean.”
“I do want you to.” Shane admitted, and it’s in such a quiet, soft tone that it’s barely there. “I, uh- It’s still a bit scary and I still have a lot to get used to, and I don’t even think I’ll do it often but…”
“You want to do it again?” Ilya offered, “It was good for you?”
Shane nodded, shrugging softly. “I’m well rested. I had fun. I feel cared for. I didn’t worry about much beyond my dinosaur bib getting cheese on it or not being able to hold up my cup by myself, and you solved both of those.”
“They were both simple solutions.” the blonde mimicked his shrugging motion, and it’s a million shades of soft and playful and loving, “Thanks for letting me take care of you, and for trusting me to try this with you.”
“You sounded excited to get to do it again.” Shane smiled, “It’s hard to feel like a burden when you look at me like that.”
“I think that even if I hated kids, I would try my best to take care of you because I love you regardless.” Ilya told him, “But I love kids and feeling needed and getting to help, and this gives me all of that. I get to help you, and you’re so sweet-”
“Okay, the gushing is over now.” Shane cut him off and moved to stand up, “Time to clean up all this kid stuff.”
“Am I embarrassing you?” Ilya smiled, following him with his eyes. He began to playfully shout, cupping his hands around his mouth to project his voice, “Shane Hollander is a sweet, darling toddler when he regresses.”
“Fuck off, Rozanov.” Shane grabbed a pillow from the other end of the couch and tossed it at him, and Ilya dramatically gasped and grabbed Baby Lily out of the way to protect her from the impact.
“You’re going to hurt the itty bitty baby, who’s even smaller than you were last night!” Ilya sounded faux-offended on her behalf. “You were much more polite last night, with all your ‘pleases’ and ‘thank yous.’”
“Oh, god forbid my momma taught me manners!” Shane groaned as if he knew that he would never hear the end of it, but he’s not actually upset.
Playful teasing meant that this was all normal, all okay.
Playful teasing meant that this was just another soft, simple thing they could enjoy together.
“Okay, I stop teasing you.” Ilya decided, moving to stand up and carefully setting the stuffed bunny to the side. He motioned for Shane to come back to him, “Come. Gimme hug.”
“Why are we hugging?” Shane didn’t protest, slotting himself against him easily. He let out a breath once Ilya’s arms were around him, and mumbled, “Oh.”
Ilya tangled a hand in his hair to scratch his scalp and kissed the side of his head, “I know my boy well, yes? I can tell when he needs a hug.”
Shane pulled back, just slightly, to look up at him. “Thank you for being so understanding about all of this. For reassuring me, for doing all the research and offering to take care of me.”
“Of course. I love you, Shane, even when you’re being silly or soft.”
“I love you too, Ilya. So much.”
There was another day to be had, after that- toys and blanket to be cleaned up, plans to be made. But just then, none of that mattered, because the moment was soft and sweet and simple and all those other aforementioned ‘s words.’
And in that moment, that’s all either of them had to be.