Chapter Text
October 30th, 1987
William Byers hasn’t been alone in his head for a long time.
He almost never has complete silence. Whether it’s his own fretting voice, a dark whisper, or the curdling growls of creatures from the upside down ringing in his head, it never shuts up.
Living in California had been a welcome respite, despite Will yearning to be close to his friends. He’d been almost completely isolated from others in California except for Jane. Jonathan had been off getting high, and Joyce had jumped headfirst into a job in her grief about Hopper. Will had finally experienced ‘silence’ again for the first time since he’d been spirited away into the upside down at twelve years old.
Being in Hawkins is loud.
Will tries not to be a loud person himself. He’s always been content in the background, the sidelines, anywhere safe that he would blend in. Will never had to speak loudly or dress obnoxiously for people to constantly stare and whisper about him in Hawkins. Being “zombie boy” made him enough of a spectacle.
The fact that Hawkins had split into fourths was the commotion that finally distracted people from Will’s resurrection story from years past. People don’t remember him much anymore, much to Will’s relief. Unfortunately, Will knows with a deep chilling certainty that the Upside Down has never forgotten him.
It starts with his nightmares.
——
Oh William, I knew you’d return.
Will is in a dark space. He’s not sure what direction the voice is coming from, but Will can tell the voice is getting louder.
You could never escape me.
Will instinctively covers his ears. Despite the taunts, Will wishes he could run.
You can never escape what you are.
Will feels a sharp tug in his forehead, and then his sight turns red.
—-
“Will!”
Will jolts up.
“Whoa! You okay?” A soft voice asks.
Will is sure he’s breathing properly, but it’s still dark and he’s so confused why the taunting voice is kind now.
“Will!”
Will flinches away when a hand clasps his shoulder. It feels wrong. It feels dirty and slimy and it feels like him. Will slaps the touch off of him.
“Buddy, it’s me, what’s wrong?”
Will blinks and looks up.
Jonathan is staring intently at Will, clearly concerned. Will slumps in place at the realization that he had been dreaming. He quickly reminds himself that he is in the Wheeler’s basement along with Jonathan. He reminds himself that Vecna hadn't shown any real signs of reaching for him in over a year.
He forces his thoughts away from how cold he is right now, telling himself that it's almost November and of course the basement is cold.
“I'm sorry,” Will says, because he doesn't know what else to say. He curls in on himself, his head resting on his knees.
Jonathan leans closer, but doesn't touch Will again. Stupidly, Will feels guilty for pushing Jonathan off of him, even though he's not sure if he could've done anything different.
“Was it… just a nightmare?”
Will swallows and feels a bitter anger curl in his gut. He hates how every time he can't keep his shit together, everyone immediately thinks the apocalypse will happen. Or, well. Happen again.
He's always been too sensitive, too dramatic, too weak. Too different. Everyone notices. Somehow, Will is still not quiet enough.
“Yes. Just a nightmare.” It's curt, and Jonathan notices.
“Want to go back to sleep?” Jonathan asks.
Will nods, even though he has no plans to sleep for the rest of the night. He just wants Jonathan to sleep, so Will can pretend that it's silent.
Even now, in the darkness of midnight, and in the stillness of the house sleeping, Will can hear whispers. They're so quiet that he can't make them out, but they always get louder when he's asleep. They always get louder when he's in a group of people, like the whispers are trying to speak over everyone else. Like they're trying to keep Will's attention.
Will turns away and gets back into his blankets, and listens to Jonathan rustle about. Only after he hears the soft breathing of his older brother in slumber, does Will get up and leave.
As Will walks around the Wheeler's backyard, he tries to feel like he's not being a coward. Talking about his nightmares would probably be the better thing to do. To face his fears head-on. But Will is not a confrontational person. He always shakes, trips over his words and his breath catches in his throat too much for him to be any good at it, either.
Will tries not to think about the fact that the last time he tried to really confront something head-on, he got possessed, a confirmed kill count and burn wound on his abdomen.
In these moments, Will thinks about Jane. He thinks about the fact that she's great at confrontation, or at the very least experienced in it. He thinks that she would never be this scared of being pushed into the fray. It makes him jealous of her, in a way that makes him feel gross.
Will spent an inordinate amount of time with Jane in California, to the point that trying to call her El or Eleven felt impersonal somehow. El might have been the one who helped save him from the upside down, but Jane was his sister who needed comfort after being teased by bullies.
These days, Jane is more Eleven than herself.
It’s because Max was ripped away from them. For once, Jane wasn't able to save one of their friends, and it eats away at her. Will can't imagine the guilt and pressure of everyone's expectations on her, but that weight must be heavy on her shoulders.
Will lays down in the grass, and looks up into the sky. He can barely see the stars, but even the slight twinkle of the major constellations are a balm to his worries.
Part of him wishes he could sleep here forever. Never wake up. Part of him thinks it'd be funny for William Byers to die and be silently buried in Mike Wheeler's backyard, never to be seen again.
Maybe then he'd finally be quiet enough about how different he is.
School is still a surreal experience. Will doesn't mind school in Hawkins anymore, but it is strange to come back to. There's something nostalgic about it. He's alongside Mike and Lucas and Dustin and no one else. Max and Jane's absence are obvious, but it's so close to how they used to be before all this upside down nonsense happened.
Will tries not to find escape in it.
Of course, nothing is perfect and Dustin is always pissing off somebody these days. He's tried asking Mike and Lucas why Dustin has been so polarizing, but they just say “he's tore up about Eddie,” like Will even understands what that means.
Will never met Eddie Munson. Will only knows what the rumors say and what Dustin yells about the guy. Eddie played DND. Eddie worshipped Satan. Eddie died a hero. Eddie caused the apocalypse.
The only part that really matters to Will is that Eddie died while Dustin watched. And Dustin hasn't been the same since. Dustin won't really open up to anyone, not that Will has any room to judge, but Steve and Dustin haven't gotten along like they used to, and it's clear that's taking its toll. Will sees it almost like him and Jonathan when Jonathan was always getting high.
Neither of them held space for each other anymore.
Will wishes that he could be that space for Dustin, but he never was even when they were younger, and he knows Dustin won't talk to him now.
Lucas hasn't had the patience for Dustin, and Will can't completely blame him. He's been spending all of his time focused on being there for Max. Mike has had his head up his own ass for a while, and Lucas was always better with mediation than Mike was. Will has considered strong-arming Mike and Lucas into an intervention for Dustin, but he's been hesitant to do so. It means he has to be open and vulnerable with them again, and he's still pretending that he's fine.
So they all act together to protect Dustin from the worst of it, but they don't do anything to really fix it.
At lunch, Will listens to Mike and Lucas complain about their shared math class while Dustin tells them they're both stupid. Will, like usual, doesn't speak.
“Hey, you okay?” Lucas asks, and Will startles when he realizes Lucas was talking to him.
“Yeah,” he smiles like plastic, “why?”
Lucas shrugged. “You haven't said anything for a while.”
Will tries to sound casual when he responds, “I'm always quiet.”
Will looks around at the table, and stops at Mike. Mike is clearly staring at him, and it makes Will squirm. It's like Mike was seeing right through him, like he knew just how much Will had been hiding from everyone this year. He tears his gaze away and gets up.
“I gotta go to the toilet. Be right back.”
He forces himself to walk slowly out of the cafeteria, even though he already hears the whispers so loudly that he can't tell whether it's his friends talking about him or the nightmares that never leave him alone.
He walks right past the toilets and walks out of the school into the sports field, passing that too until he's completely alone in the forest.
The sports field is a difficult place for him, and he tries to never stand there for too long. He knows that's where he was possessed all those years ago, and although he doesn't really remember exactly what happened in its entirety, that location is tainted with wrongness. The shed behind his old house is off-limits for the same reason. Even the location of Castle Byers has been long abandoned even after his return because every place reminds him of how wrong he is. The whispers are the loudest there.
Luckily, the forest is a safe place for Will, and he doesn't mind coming here when he can't handle how crowded the school is. He doesn't know how long he sits at the base of one of the trees, but it must've been long enough, because Will hears Mike yelling his name after a while.
“Will!” Mike yells through the trees.
Will tries to ignore him, hoping Mike will give up and go away before he happens upon Will.
Mike is stubborn, though. “Will! You there!?”
Will sighs and turns away from the sound, but eventually he hears Mike rustling through the leaves and knows Mike is close.
“Oh my God, there you are! I've been calling you forever!” Mike sounds exasperated.
Will looks at him, but he doesn't say anything. Will feels too loud, even now. Even in complete silence, he feels so loud in front of Mike.
“Are you… are you okay? You were gone the rest of lunch.” Mike asks.
Will didn't realize he'd been sitting out here for over half an hour. He doesn't remember it. Still, hearing Mike's concern angers him. Why does Mike continue to pretend to care? Mike has been struggling to hold a normal conversation with Will and Will lives in his house. Mike doesn't really interact with him unless it's about Vecna crap or about Jane. Will can't help but be tired of it.
“Fuck, I just wanted to be alone for a second. Is that a crime?” He sneers.
Mike blanches at the attitude. He's not used to it from Will, and something about that pisses Will off more.
“I was just worried!” Mike hisses back, but it's wrong-footed. He's not sure why Will is angry at all, and that's the problem. Mike used to always understand.
“Well I'm fine. I'm not going to explode or something. You can leave me to get some peace and quiet.” Will says.
Mike furrows his brow like he's going to retort something petty back to him before Will watches him stop.
Mike shuffles in place for a second. Will can't follow what the hell Mike is thinking.
“Am I too loud? Is that why you're mad at me?” Mike asks.
Will halts in place. “What?”
Mike groans, “look, I know you're mad at me. You've been mad at me for like… a whole month. I've been trying to figure out why, but you've been shutting everyone out. Even me. You never used to do that. You told me everything.”
Will rolls his eyes. He knows the feeling in his chest is bitterness. “I grew up, Mike. You wanted that for the longest time, so why are you complaining? I'm not shutting everyone out, I'm just handling things myself. Don't tell me you think I need you to hold my hand or something when I'm having a bad day? I don't need you at all.” Will hears his last sentence and knows he's lying. He's always needed Mike. That's why he's so mad.
“But everyone in the party would be there for you if you talked to us.” Mike says.
Will gives him a dead look. “Yeah. I don't think so.”
Mike bites his lip and Will forces his eyes to keep looking at Mike's nose instead.
“Fine, we've been preoccupied, but it's not like we don't care about you, Will.”
Will blinks in confusion. “Hold on, you don't think I'm like, sulking or something, right?”
Mike looks like a gaping fish, but doesn't answer.
Will sighs, frustrated. “I am not upset that Lucas is preoccupied looking after Max. I am not upset that Dustin is preoccupied grieving Eddie. I am not upset that everyone is preoccupied trying to track down Vecna to end all of this. And even if I was, it would have nothing to do with the fact that I'm out here alone.”
“Okay,” Mike says. “Then why are you mad at me?”
Will cannot open that can of worms right now so he settles for airing out a more appropriate frustration he has.
“Do you know how Jane is doing?”
Mike is so taken back by this that Will can physically see Mike readjust.
“You mean El?”
Will breathes softly to calm himself. “That's who I said, yes.”
Mike shrugs. “She's fine. I think. Why?” Will has the urge to hit Mike, which is something Will won't ever get used to.
“You aren't sure? How are you not sure? If you love her like you say, shouldn't you care?” Will berates. Mike wasn't expecting this to be the topic of conversation, and Will can tell.
“Well, she's been training with Hop and your mom all the time! I can't see her whenever I want!”
Will scoffs. “I see her more than you do.” Mike rears back, and Will can tell he's touched a nerve. Good.
“What? Do you like her or something?”
Will's eyes widened. He's actually floored at Mike's stupid mouth. “I cannot believe you just said that to me.” Mike throws his arms up. Will finally stands up, so angry he feels fine getting in Mike's face, and not ashamed.
“Jane is like a sister to me. I don't have to want to kiss her to care about her. She's sad!” Will yells.
Mike backs away, “okay?! Maybe because the town is cut into pizza slices and Max is comatose?”
“Oh, fuck off, Mike.” Will says. “We're all messed up over that, but Jane talks to me. She tells me you never go see her. She tells me that even when you do, you only ever ask her if she's prepared to fight Vecna.”
Will moves in closer, pushing Mike roughly. “I mean, god! You spent all that time agonizing how to tell her that you love her, how about you show that you do too!?”
Mike pushes Will back, hard.
“Don't butt in on mine and El’s relationship!”
Will smirks. “Yeah that's pretty hard when you asked me to in the first place.”
Mike rolls his eyes. “I'd say El did that when she asked you to make that painting.”
Will freezes. He gathers himself fast. “Well maybe Jane was right, considering I've had to help you with her every step of the way!’
Mike sneers at him “oh go fuck yourself! You hated when I started dating El!”
Will rounds on Mike with a vicious anger. “Yes. I did.” Will feels his nose twitch with his face so twisted in rage. “Because you, Michael Wheeler, have no idea how to treat the people who love you. You cannot, for the life of you, be a good friend and a good boyfriend at the same time. You can barely do either these days. You say you care about us,” Will shakes his head at Mike, “but neither Jane nor I actually believe you.”
“Is this about how I treat El? Or how I treat you?”
Will swallows. He wants to just tell the truth and say it's about both of them. But he can't. So he deflects. “I don’t care that much. But it’s affecting Jane.”
Mike frowns. “You don't think I care about you?”
Will raises his eyebrows. He shrugs. Truthfully, Will thinks Mike cares just enough. And only when Jane isn’t distracting him. “We're friends, Mike.”
Mike looks at him for a moment, but once again, Will cannot decipher what he's feeling.
“I thought we were… best friends?”
Will might actually find a gun and shoot himself. Maybe after how loud that is, everything will seem silent.
“I don't really think it matters.”
That gets a reaction out of Mike. A loud one.
“It does! We said we were a team! Does that… not matter?”
“We don't have to be best friends to fight Vecna, Mike. Clearly. We've been less than that this whole time while helping with the crawls. I've been fine this whole time with that, so no, I don't think it matters at all.”
Mike suddenly looks panicked and reaches for his jacket pocket with fast, shaking hands. Whatever Mike is reaching for is not in there, and he frantically searches his jeans pockets as well.
“Mike, what the fuck are you doing?” Will asks, bewildered.
Mike stops immediately, looking like a deer in the headlights. “Nothing. I just… I left something in my locker.”
Will crosses his arms. “Well, you can go get it, then. And, y'know, leave me alone?”
Mike swallows and looks away. “I don't think you should be out here on your own.”
Will breathes deeply to try and find some kindness in him. “I don't know what spooked you, but I promise I am fine.”
Mike moves closer, but stops himself from reaching out in an aborted movement.
“Will- I-I just think -”
Will groans and cuts Mike off. “Fine. I will go inside. Happy?”
Mike nods, but he looks anything but. Will leaves quickly, not wanting Mike to turn this into a friendly walk back together. He definitely notices Mike watching him with intensity from behind him, but he assumes it's because Mike is upset from their argument.
After school, Lucas asks Will to go visit Max, and Will is eager to agree.
Will is glad to help support Lucas while he sits vigil at Max's bedside. He misses Max too. But Will knows that today Lucas is trying to be kind. Lucas tends to ask Will to come along whenever Lucas can tell Will is having a bad day.
They ride their bikes over to the hospital, and before long, Kate Bush is playing while Lucas and Will sit side by side.
“Where'd you disappear to during lunch?” Lucas asks.
Will shrugs. “I went for a walk.” Which is mostly true.
Lucas hums, considering. “I know Mike followed you, Will.”
“Yeah.”
Lucas doesn't look at Will, but the pause between the two of them is heavy.
“Did he… do something wrong?”
Will can't find it in him to respond with vitriol, not to Lucas. Even if Will still feels raw from the fight. “We fought about Jane.” Which is also mostly true.
Lucas nodded. “He's been seeing her more often.”
Will blinks hard. “What? No, that's not the problem.”
Lucas looks at Will in confusion. “It's not?”
Will is once again so confused at the thought process of one of his friends. “Why would we fight about him seeing her more often? He's not seeing her enough. And he still only talks about Vecna the whole time. Jane's been upset about it and I'm tired of him phoning it in with her. She deserves better.”
Lucas seems to mull this over. “Oh. I had not realized that.”
“I know it may seem stupid because I'm fighting on Jane's behalf. But, like, Lucas… it's bad. I don't know what the hell is up with him but he's been… different for a while. Maybe he wasn't always the most emotional type of guy, but he cared about Jane. Now it's like he only thinks about the fact that she can fight Vecna.”
Lucas nods. “I think a lot of us have been focusing on that for a while.”
“Obviously I know that it's important that Jane is at her best when she has all of this on her shoulders, but she's been alone all year and I'm the only one that makes sure to see her more than once or twice a month. She's tired. She's lonely.”
Lucas doesn't have anything to say in defense. He's guilty of never visiting Jane as well.
Will can’t stop himself from continuing. “I know that we've had stuff going on, and I understand that you need to be here for Max, and that Dustin has been… struggling. But Mike is supposed to be her person, is supposed to ask about her, not her powers, and somehow he can't even do that.”
Lucas nods. “I think, maybe, you understand what she's going through better than any of us.”
Will shrugs. “Maybe.”
“But you're right, she's our friend and we haven't been there for her.”
Will looks at Lucas.
Lucas continues, “Let us know next time you want to go see her, I'll make sure we show up too.”
Will smiles softly. This is what he was hoping for. If he can't have the comfort and safety he wants with his friends, then he wants to help Jane have it, at least.
They are not your friends, William.
Will whirls around.
“Will?” Lucas asks.
They will all betray you.
Will scans the room, wondering what direction the voice is coming from.
They don't know who you are.
Will blinks and suddenly it happens. The whole room goes dark.
Will startles. But he doesn't call out.
Oh William, soon my patience will pay off.
Will clenches his fists, but doesn't move. If this is anything like the last time this happened, he'll be fine if he stays still.
Last time?
Wait. Will thinks. What happened last time? When was last time?
A clock chime resounds in his head.
“Will!”
And when Will blinks again, he sees the hospital room. He hears the beep of the heart monitor. He can smell the antiseptic in the room.
“Will?” Lucas asks, worried. Lucas has his hand grasping Will's shoulder, breathing heavily and eyes scanning Will’s face. Will can feel Lucas’s hands even he feels like he’s barely in his own body.
“Let go.”
Lucas does, but he's still searching for Will's expression. “Are you okay?”
Will’s face feels numb. “Yeah. I just spaced out.”
And Will knows that Lucas has figured out that he's lying.
But Lucas doesn't ask.
Although it's not his usual schedule, Will goes to see Jane that night. He sneaks out to do it, doesn't tell Mike or Jonathan that he's leaving at all. It's only a quarter past ten when he sneaks out of the Wheeler’s backdoor, but the entire house is sound asleep, so he is sure he won't be missed.
Ever since the Military put the quarantine in place, Jane has had to hide away and keep low. Will immediately created a map of the old tunnel system for Hopper and Jane to use when trying to get around. Hopper had actually patted Will on the back for that idea, like he was finally acknowledging that Will could be helpful.
He sneaks through the tunnels to reach where Jane stays with Hopper, knowing that she'll still be awake at this time. She always struggles to go to sleep, even if it's dark.
Will has never needed the tunnel maps to navigate through them easily, so he makes quick work of reaching their cabin.
Will sneaks around all the traps they have set to go to Jane's window. He taps on it two times in quick succession, and then pauses before knocking a third time. It's Will's signal for Jane, since he's the most likely to be sneaking out to see her at odd times, she asked him to make a specific knock for his visits.
After a brief wait, Jane opens the window and helps Will crawl inside. They've mastered the art of getting Will into her room with no unneeded noise after so many visits.
After he's inside and sitting on her floor with her, he finally speaks.
“How've you been?” Will asks.
Jane smiles softly. “The training has been going well. I'm not fast enough, but I shaved off two seconds the other day. And I'm sure I can do it again. My powers are strong.”
Will nods, happy to hear her goals are slowly being met, “That’s good. I meant you, though. How are you feeling?”
Jane's eyes flutter with something vulnerable. “It's been… hard. I keep seeing Max choking on her own blood when I sleep. I can't go see her. Sometimes, I see her in my mind, breathing and sleeping in her bed.”
Will nods, and takes Jane's hand. He feels like he needs to show her that she's not alone.
Jane looks at Will, gratitude clear on her face. “Mike visited yesterday.”
Will blinks. He hadn't realized Mike had done so. If he had, why didn't he tell Will that?
“He's so worried about you, Will.”
Will rolls his eyes. “Jane, that's ridiculous. Why would he be worried about me? He should be worried about you. You have way more on your shoulders right now.”
Jane shakes her head. “We both have a monster haunting us, Will. In that, we are the same.”
Will deflates a bit, knowing she isn't wrong. “Sure, I'll admit that. But I don't see why he would be worried?”
Jane hums. “Well, he said you've been… angry with him.”
Will shrugs. “Not really. He's just getting on my nerves lately.”
Jane looks confused. She scoots closer, and Will doesn’t mind. “You two were fine when he visited me last.”
“Look. He just caught me in a bad moment. I wanted some quiet and he interrupted. Simple as that. He's making a big deal out of nothing.” Will says.
Jane considers this. “So… you wanted quiet? In the kitchen?”
Will blinks. He looks at Jane like she's talking nonsense. “Kitchen? When were we in the kitchen?”
Jane explains, “he said he asked you to wait for him so you could bike to school together. In the kitchen. And you yelled at him to leave you alone.”
Will searches his brain for any memory of that. He can't find it. In fact, he doesn't think he can recall the last time he was in the Wheeler's kitchen during the day.
“That didn't happen. I was talking about in the forest.”
Jane looks confused and asks, “when were you in the forest?”
Will shrugs. “I thought it was yesterday.” He then blinks and shakes his head. “What am I saying? The forest happened today. Mike saw you yesterday, so he must've been talking about something else. My bad.”
Jane leans closer. “But you don't remember talking to him in the kitchen?”
Will shakes his head. “Must've slipped my mind.”
Jane lets go of Will's hand and swallows. “What was the name of your old hideout?”
Will is taken off guard at the sudden topic change, but he assumes Jane has a reason for it so he obliges. “Castle Byers. I built it with Jonathan when I was young. I broke it down a few years back.”
Jane relaxes visibly. “I see. I suppose you don't go there anymore?”
Will shakes his head. “It was a stupid hideout to begin with. I don't like the idea of going to see it anymore.”
Jane, although no longer tense, still seems perturbed. “Is it because of how long you hid there in the Upside Down?”
Will tries to recall what the Upside Down was like. He can't remember where he hid or any place he ran by off the top of his head. But if Jane says he hid there during that time, he believes her. That would explain why that place feels so wrong.
“Yeah. It doesn't mean what it used to anymore.” Will says.
Jane softens and puts her hand on his shoulder. “I will make sure you can feel safe again, Will. I swear it.”
Will feels his heart swell. He's so grateful that through all of this turmoil, Jane has remained kind. She doesn't need to promise him anything, since she's already risked everything to save him so many times, but he knows she would not abandon him. That's not who she is. All Will can do is convince her he won't abandon her either. He reaches for her, pulling her into a cuddling hug, and allowing her to melt into it. He knows he's one of her only forms of platonic touch these days, and it's no trouble for him to hug her. It's almost the same as hugging his mom.
“I hope you can feel safe too, Jane. You deserve it.” Will whispers.
And in that moment, it's like the voices in his head were sleeping.