Chapter Text
it’s not my fault when i make you cry
it’s not my fault that you’re not my type
it’s all your fault that you’re insecure
that you’re falling apart
’cause your feelings got hurt
-Kiss Me When I'm Dead, Carr
Pomni jolted awake out of what had felt like a dead sleep, far beyond the clutches of either thoughts or dreams. It took her a moment to register what had so rudely awakened her — despite her dreamless sleep, she could have sworn she’d just heard someone yell. And, unfortunately, that seemed to imply the noise had come from somewhere nearby. She could always choose to ignore it, turn over, and hopefully dive head first back into blissful nothingness, but she was painfully aware that ignoring one of her friends would likely weigh heavily on her conscience come morning.
She tossed the covers aside and slid out of bed, feeling unsteady on her feet as she wobbled towards the door. Even though sleep wasn’t strictly necessary, her brain still seemed to demand it, and unfortunately still took the regular human amount of time to boot back up when shocked into wakefulness. Hopefully no one was in bad enough shape that they needed her alert and quick-thinking.
She opened the door and peered out. The hallway looked dark and quiet, which didn’t necessarily mean anything, but before she went wandering around the Circus half awake in the dark, she figured she ought to check in on her neighbors. The sound had been distant but not muffled, which made her think it had come from directly across from her.
Her gaze settled on the door opposite hers, with Jax’s giant, mocking grin plastered across it.
She sighed, immediately resigning herself to being yelled at for bothering to care, and shuffled resentfully across the hall. As she approached, her ears picked up a strange, soft, mournful noise leaking from beneath the door jamb. Definitely not the kind of thing she was used to hearing from behind closed doors around here. Jax in particular tended to be pretty quiet when he was holed up by himself. Maybe checking in on him wasn’t such an insane proposition after all.
Even if she was still certain she was going to get cussed out over it.
She winced and lightly rapped on the door. “Hey, um, Jax? You awake?”
The noise peaked for a moment before going unnervingly silent.
Pomni looked back and forth along the empty hall, still finding no other reasonable source for the sound that had awoken her. “I thought I heard something … are you okay in there?”
Her awkward question hung in the air like smoke, and nothing but tense silence greeted it. She nervously hopped from one foot to the other, trying to gather the courage to open the door. It was a clear last ditch effort; since she didn’t have Jax’s penchant for swiping keys, her only chance at barging in to inflict human concern on him relied on him being dumb or desperate enough to fail to lock his door.
But she wasn’t so sure she could go back to sleep if she didn’t at least try.
With one fist clenched at her side, she reached the other hand to the doorknob, took a deep breath, and gave it a cautious turn.
The knob twisted easily, and the door slowly swung open just a crack.
She wasn’t quite sure yet if that was lucky for her or not.
“I’m so so so sorry,” she whispered, eyes shut tight as she leaned into the doorway, feet refusing to leave the threshold in case Jax was in a throwing-things mood. “Are you okay? I thought I heard someone yell, and it seemed like maybe it was you, so I wanted to check—”
“No,” came the muffled response. “Go away.”
Pomni cautiously opened one eye, squinting in the gloom. “Uh. No, you aren’t okay, or no, it wasn’t you …?”
“Yes … no … I don’t actually care,” Jax snapped. He was laying on his back on top of the covers with limbs splayed out and a pillow over his face. “Get lost. And get out of my room.”
Pomni glanced back at her own door. Behind it, her bed was calling out with a siren song. She was still only half awake, and dealing with anyone’s bullshit right then was at the bottom of her to-do list. Turning her back on Jax should have been the easiest decision she’d ever made in her life, especially at this hour. And yet …
She stepped inside and closed the door behind her with a decisive-sounding click, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. She’d only seen glimpses of Jax’s room before now, and as she took in the space around her, the whole thing struck her as oddly soft and almost feminine. It appeared to be done up in a dusty lavender color scheme, and various little glowing stars dotted the entirety of the ceiling. While she was busy quietly taking stock of her surroundings, Jax finally stirred, pulling the pillow from his face and glancing around to see if she had actually left. He turned his head and glared the second his gaze fell on her.
“I didn’t say come in. I’m pretty sure I actually said to do the exact opposite of that,” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
But there was something else there, as well. And now, Pomni could just make out enough of his face to be able to wager a decent guess at the source of the noises she’d been hearing.
“You’re crying …”
It wasn’t an accusation. The way she’d said it, it was almost a question, soft and confused.
Nonetheless, Jax bristled, looking like he was ready to physically throw her out. But as Pomni took a nervous step back, he rolled his eyes and angrily turned towards the wall, as if making an attempt to signal that he wasn’t in the mood for an all-out fight but that didn’t mean she was getting through his defenses, either.
“Oh, here we go …”
“Huh? I’m not making fun of you, you know,” Pomni insisted nervously.
“Of course you wouldn’t,” Jax spat back, shoulders hunched. “You’re just here to do a 2am therapy session out of the goodness of your heart. You’ve found the only thing worse than making fun of me.”
“What, caring about you??” Pomni asked incredulously. That bed across the hall was starting to look more and more tempting by the second. Why did she think Jax of all people would ever appreciate her concern? He’d always been prickly, but ever since Cain’s brilliant “Escape the Circus” adventure had revealed that, in a pinch, he’d trap everyone in a digital prison in perpetuity, he’d been especially difficult to deal with. Pomni was never sure on any given day if she was going to get the Jax who feigned being too burned out to fight off her persistent attempts at friendship (because, of course, he couldn’t look like he was actively seeking out human connection even when he was so clearly floundering), or the Jax who instigated fights so he could tell her she was stupid for wanting to be around him in the first place.
It looked like tonight, she’d stumbled in on the latter.
“I’m sorry that, in a world where feeling awful for too long can turn you into a horrible monster, you crying loudly enough to wake me up felt like a valid reason to be concerned!” she said, exasperated.
Jax gave a derisive little laugh. “Oh, alright, so it’s not even because you’re such a good person — you’re just annoyed because I woke you up and now you’re gonna make it my problem."
“What sort of friend would I be if I didn’t make sure you were alright?” Pomni asked, desperately trying to appeal to any little bit of him that might be yearning for even a scrap of comfort.
“Tch! Are you really still on about that?” Jax asked snidely. “I thought you’d gotten the hint after the last fist fight we got into.” He whipped his head over his shoulder to glower at her, his eyes narrow little slits of lacquered gold in a sea of lavender velvet. “Or do I need to make my point a little clearer?”
His words hit Pomni like a kick to the gut, but not for the reason he’d intended. She was more than a little insulted that he would threaten violence at this point, especially when it rang so hollow.
Well, fine.
If compassion wasn’t going to get through to him, she could certainly give back as good as she was getting right now.
“Oh please; all you did was try to shove me away while I beat the absolute crap out of you,” she pointed out, sounding bored. “I’m happy to clobber you again, though, if that’s really what you think will help.”
“Spoken like a true friend!” Jax lilted sarcastically.
Pomni put her head in her hands and growled in frustration. “Ohhhh my god. You are really stupid sometimes, you know that?? Like unbelievably, brain-meltingly stubborn and stupid!”
“Great! Add it to the list of things you hate about me, and slap it up somewhere that you’ll see it before deciding to get all up in my face again and waste both our time!” Jax tossed a hand in the direction of the door without looking back at her. “Now get out!”
Pomni bit the inside of her cheek so hard, it certainly would have caused her to draw blood in the real world. But here, in the Land of Perpetual Toxic Positivity, all it did was fill her mouth with the taste of cotton candy. She was pretty sure Jax was mad enough to get physical, but that somehow made her even more resolute in her persistent attempts to be there for him in the most obnoxious ways possible. Constantly being pushed away had only made her that much more certain she wasn’t leaving.
She took a decisive step towards the bed. Then another. And another. Until she was climbing up onto the mattress beside Jax, who had suddenly stopped mid-breath and gone unnaturally still.
“Pomni, I am not kidding around,” he hissed, voice perilously even, “get off my bed. Right. Now.”
“Or what?” Pomni shot back as she crawled up behind him, pointedly laid down, and irritably tossed an arm over him. “Are you going to yell at me some more? Shove me? Actually hurt me this time? Because you can’t make me feel worse than I would if I left you alone and sobbing in the dark.”
Jax still wasn’t moving, so Pomni pressed her face against his back and held him tight.
“… You sure about that?” he asked, voice low and guttural.
“I’m scared for you, not scared of you,” Pomni scoffed, easily shaking off the implied threat.
Jax tended to have a pretty callous disregard for everyone else’s physical safety, but in recent weeks, his heart really didn’t seem to be in it and he was far more likely to seek out solitude than actively involve himself in a conflict. And even before that, when it came to Pomni, he might repeatedly violate her personal space or push her buttons until she snapped, but he never seemed to do more than fend her off when she finally decided to kick his ass. Given all that, she felt moderately confident she wasn’t pushing her luck too far by foisting companionship on him. The worst that might happen was getting unceremoniously shoved off the bed.
“Like it or not, I’m going to be here for you. I don’t want you hiding in the dark, wallowing in misery until you abstract.” Pomni hugged him tighter, feeling every terse breath and every twitching muscle in response to her embrace. “Whatever you’re so scared you’re gonna do, go ahead and do it. I’m not leaving.”
Jax’s breathing came in short, angry staccato bursts and Pomni could only imagine he was trying to bottle everything back up. But after a moment, his chest rose as he attempted to suck in a deep gulp of air, only for him to somehow hiccup with his whole body mid-breath and then let out a sound so alarming, Pomni almost shoved him away in a panic. It took a few agonizing seconds for her brain to register that the gut-wrenching wail he’d just let out was the prelude to the most painfully soul-rending sobbing she’d ever heard in her life.
And a couple more seconds to realize that that was the sound that had woken her up in the first place.
“Oh … my god … did I …? I am so sorry!!” For a moment, she wasn’t quite sure what to do with her hands, but instinct told her to hold him tighter. “I didn’t mean to … S
. It’s … look, it’s all going to be okay …”
Jax shook his head desperately, unable to get a single intelligent word out. He curled in on himself, and between that and how badly he was shaking, Pomni found herself in an increasingly awkward physical position for providing comfort. Still internally panicking, she hurriedly popped up and clumsily attempted to climb over him to the far side of the bed where he was facing. Upon feeling her get up, however, Jax whipped his head towards her with panic swimming in his eyes. Even then he wouldn’t say it, but he clearly didn’t want her to abandon him.
“I’m just moving over here,” she assured him hurriedly as she dropped down on the other side of him, hesitantly grabbing his shoulder to pull him into her embrace. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise. It takes more than this to scare me off.”
Shockingly, Jax reciprocated and grabbed her around the middle, landing his face on a collision course with her stomach, immediately soaking the front of her shirt with tears.
“Oof! Okay, that’s better,” she murmured, slightly winded from the abandon with which her head-butted her straight in the gut. “I’ve got you …”
She had been expecting him to put up a bit more of a fight when she foisted physical affection on him. Being grabbed like an oversized plushie while he completely broke down and sobbed all over her singular pair of Circus-provided pajamas was not on her list of reasonable outcomes for this late-night encounter. And considering the decibel level at which he was wailing, she was kicking herself for not locking the door behind her. While Jax could likely find ways to cope with letting her see him like this, she was pretty sure anyone else busting in and perceiving him in such a state would cause him to spontaneously self-destruct and take everyone in a 200 foot radius out with him.
At the same time, her brain was still racing to find a way to calm him down. Would he be irritated if she stroked his ears or rubbed his back? The last thing she wanted to do was annoy him or unintentionally make him feel even more pitiful than he likely already did. Cautiously, she wrapped around him and gently rubbed the base of his ears, murmuring gently to him. They were the usual platitudes — “You’re alright, I’ve got you, it’s going to be okay” — but she hoped the conviction in her voice and the physical reassurance counted for something. In response, Jax adjusted his grip on her as he struggled to choke back tears, taking fistfuls of her shirt in his hands like it was the last thing keeping him anchored. Maybe she wasn’t the worst at this whole “providing comfort” thing, after all.
She idly registered that Jax wasn’t exactly fluffy — the texture of his whole body, really, was more velvety, but it actually felt nice against her fingertips. She so rarely got to make extended physical contact with him in a way that wasn’t emotionally charged to a dangerous degree.
Although, the butterflies in her stomach told her she might just be flirting with a different flavor of emotionally charged than usual. Was holding someone while they fell apart supposed to feel this intimate? She also felt like she should say something meaningful, but the words momentarily caught in her throat the second she tried to get them out. She … what? Cared about him so deeply that this was hurting her, too? Desperately wanted to make everything better? Wished he could feel how much she loved him, even right now?
All of that seemed like too much.
“I don’t exactly know what‘s going on, but I am here for you, and I want to understand, okay?” she murmured as she rubbed behind his ears. “And don’t try to tell me this is nothing. You’re clearly hurting and … maybe I can empathize.”
Jax squeezed her tighter for a moment while his body shook with muffled sobs.
“You don’t have to tell me right this second,” she assured him. “Just try to breathe right now. I’m here for as long as it takes.”
She was fully prepared for the option where he cried himself to sleep in her arms, leaving her to anxiously watch over him until morning. She was fully prepared for a lot of things she’d never before considered, really. All of this was completely new territory; lately she’d seen Jax bounce between “too depressed to meaningfully engage with anyone” and “starting fights because Gangle breathed too loudly” but she almost didn’t think he was capable of crying like a normal person. Which meant this was either a really good thing — she’d finally weathered enough of his bullshit to be a safe person for him to break down in front of — or a sign that things were far worse than she’d suspected and he would have clung to whoever walked in, so long as they’d been persistent enough and refused to leave.
He finally took a few deep, shaking breaths, and seemed to calm himself down enough to finally make an attempt to communicate. He turned his head slightly, just enough to be able to barely peer up with one shimmering eye, and stuttered out, “Wh-what would you d-do … if I abst-t-tracted tom-m-morrow?”
Pomni had always wondered if and when her own question would be thrown back at her. Luckily, she didn’t even need time to parse out an answer.
“I’d forget about leaving here,” she replied, watching his face – what she could see of it, at least – carefully, “and spend every waking moment figuring out how to get you back.”
Jax turned so his face was buried in her shirt again and shifted awkwardly against her, still seeming to be trying to get a hold of his runaway emotions. It took Pomni longer than she was proud of to clock that he’d just covertly wiped his face all over her shirt.
“R-really?” he asked skeptically as he peered back up at her, though the full effect of his tone was undercut by the fact that he hadn’t quite stopped crying. “Why? I … I’m —”
“A perpetual pain in my butt?” Pomni asked with a raised brow.
Jax scoffed — at least, Pomni hoped that’s what that noise was, instead of him blowing his nose on her only pair of pajamas — and his one visible eye narrowed, spilling a few straggling tears down his cheek. “You … really still think there’s anything here worth saving? I’ve already told you … there isn’t anything more to me.”
As if all the tears didn’t tell a completely different story.
“You do keep trying to tell me that, and that makes you an even bigger liar than Caine,” Pomni said wryly.
“Don’t bring that jerkoff into this!” Jax grouched damply, slumping against her. “And I’m not lying. You’re just blinded by all that annoying optimism. Like always.” He pressed in closer like a needy cat. “Everyone else would be relieved if I finally abstracted and they didn’t have to deal with me anymore. And I bet it’d only take them till the end of the day to talk you out of rescuing me.”
“Someone clearly hasn’t been paying attention,” Pomni said with a lopsided smile. “Everyone including you has been trying to warn me away from even interacting with you since day one. And look how that’s going.”
Jax buried his head in the front of her shirt again, unwilling to look her in the eyes. “Yeah, well, we’ve been fighting a lot more lately …”
“And you think that’s going to make me give up on you?” Pomni asked softly, running her fingers in little circles on the back of his neck.
Jax shrugged weakly, refusing to look up. But the way he pressed against her felt like less of an attempt to hide and more of a desperate bid to soak up more of her proffered comfort.
“Look. You certainly make it … difficult to love you sometimes,” Pomni said slowly, “but we’ve had a lot of good days, overall. So when things are hard, I recognize all the hurt you’re obviously dealing with, but buried under all that, I also still see the Jax who’s fun and clever and my favorite teammate.”
Her stomach felt like she had just reached the first drop on a roller coaster as Jax lay there, still holding on to her, breathing out in soft little huffs against her chest but still oddly quiet on the response front. Had that been the wrong move? Telling him that she loved him? Was he going to reflexively pull back now that she'd called out how clear it was that he was struggling with an immense amount of pain?
Finally, he tilted his head up slowly, cautiously making eye contact and seeming a bit dazed. “Did … you just say you loved me??“
She smiled nervously. “Don’t be so fatalistic — it’s present-tense.”
Jax’s eyes narrowed, as if he wasn’t ready to take her admission at face value. “So … the first time we teamed up, you were coming on to me?”
“Oh my gawd — I am wayyyy too tired for this,” Pomni said, letting go of him and flopping backwards to stare up at the ceiling full of little plastic constellations. “Take it seriously or don’t. Since we’re currently cuddled up in your bed and it doesn’t look like I’ll be going back to mine tonight, it seemed like there was no time like the present to be totally transparent with you about how I feel.” She crossed her arms petulantly. “Figured you’d appreciate that much, at least…”
Jax looked momentarily like he didn’t know what to do with himself as she pulled away. He’d frozen with an alarmed expression tugging at the edges of his face, watching the distance between them widen. As Pomni cast him a sideways glance, he cautiously rolled onto his back beside her, head tilting until it rested lightly on her shoulder. It was an almost pathetic display of desperation for human contact, and it came as a shock to Pomni that he was willing to be so blatant about it.
She pressed against him in return and sighed wearily, turning to rest her temple against the top of his head. “I think you’ve known for a while how I felt about you. So why even ask me what I’d do if you abstracted?”
“Dunno …” Jax mumbled awkwardly, still sniffling. “You asked me at one point, so … seemed fair.”
“I asked because I genuinely wasn’t sure, and then you said you wouldn’t care and you’d forget about me,” Pomni replied, trying and failing to keep the hurt from her tone.
Jax tangibly flinched and glanced over, ears back. As much as he hid behind a façade of callous indifference most of the time, he had a terrible poker face.
“I haven’t really tried to hide my feelings,” Pomni continued when Jax failed to offer up any words in his own defense. “Do you really think I’d tell you that I don’t care??”
Jax shook his head slowly. “I know you better than that. And … I figured you probably did feel that way about me.”
“And you can’t openly reciprocate because it ruins your whole brooding jerk thing, or whatever,” Pomni added with tired sarcasm. She narrowed her eyes and glanced sideways. “Or do you really just hate me that much?”
Jax nervously turned away from her steely gaze. “It’s … definitely not hate.”
“Okay, then what is it??” Pomni exclaimed in frustration. “Because when I came in and was clearly worried about you, you told me that we weren’t even friends and you’d lose a fist fight again to prove it.”
Jax scoffed. “You caught me at a bad time and —"
“So it’s always my bad timing??” Pomni demanded, with a note of desperation in her voice. “Was it still just bad timing when I asked you what you’d do if I abstracted??”
Jax pressed a hand to his face. “I … No … That’s not… I don’t —“
“If you don’t hate me, then what is your deal??”
She didn’t mean to raise her voice, but his inability to reach out like a normal person made everything so much more confusing. On top of that, she had a growing concern that his initial question was yet another clumsy attempt to call for help. But she couldn’t quite decipher for what.
Jax made a frantic little noise as he attempted to answer, finally trailing off into a desperate laugh. “You know what, it’s not even that complicated. You keep doing things like this—” He gently bumped against her, “—wanting to be close, and it’s terrifying.”
Pomni was actually caught off guard by that admission. All this time she assumed he had to hate or at least resent something about her. But the realization that every act of antisocial hostility was underpinned by abject terror at the prospect of accepting Pomni’s invitation for vulnerability made everything snap into perfect focus.
“Finally, some honesty,” she said quietly as she relaxed against him. “Alright, then … if you know I care, why ask what I’d do if you abstracted?”
Jax fidgeted uneasily beside her.
“I can appreciate the thematic parallels and all,” she said with forced levity, watching him carefully, “but if you already have me figured out, why ask?”
Jax squinted at the ceiling, as if the right answer was hiding somewhere in the plastic milky way. “It’s … I mean … if anyone was going to abstract tomorrow … I’m the most obvious choice …”
“I wouldn’t say that. You told me people aren’t the best company before they abstract, and you … er …” Her expression slipped into horror for a moment as she realized exactly how bad the last few weeks had been. “You haven’t sucked nearly as bad to be around lately,” she finished hurriedly.
That was a lie.
That was a blatant, bald-faced lie, and she really hoped he hadn’t clocked it.
She tried to follow up with a good-natured smirk, but that rapidly slid off her face as she caught Jax’s reaction. He had put a hand over his mouth, eyes squeezed shut, looking like he was ready to fall apart again.
“Sorry,” she said hastily. “I didn’t mean … I know you’re having a hard time, and I can’t really blame you …”
“I was so ready to give in …” he choked out.
Pomni turned onto her side, brow arched in concern. “Give in …?”
Jax moved his hand to obscure his eyes and whispered, almost too soft to be heard, “… I’ve already come so close to abstracting once …”
Pomni could feel that familiar breathlessness, like all the air was suddenly gone from the room. It was so strange to dissociate in a world where, even when you were grounded in the present, nothing was real in the way she was used to. She reached for his shoulder. The tactile feedback grounded her slightly. “What … When?? And why didn’t you tell someone??”
“So Caine can preemptively toss me in the cellar?? Are you nuts??” Jax asked desperately.
“I mean … he wouldn’t … would he?” Even as she said it, she wasn’t completely convinced. He’d been so blasé about everything when he’d deposited Kaufmo into a hole in the floor during her first day in the Circus. “Jeez, maybe he would …” she mumbled in quiet horror. “Okay, let’s definitely not consult Caine on this.”
“You want to know what’s really cooked about the whole thing?” Jax asked quietly, still covering his face. His shoulder shook under Pomni’s outstretched hand, and for a moment she thought he was sobbing again. It was only once his hand fell away that she could tell he was shaking with silent, hysterical laughter. He grinned at the ceiling, his smile wide and unhinged, like a Cheshire Cat shrouded in the darkness of the room around them. “It felt good, Pomni. It felt so good. It felt like everything was going to be okay for the first time in years, like all my friends were waiting for me. And I was so ready to be done with all this … and … and then …” He reached a hand towards the ceiling, as if he was going to pluck out one of the little stars, but even these stars were too far out of reach and he let his arm fall back down to his side. “… And then you knocked on my door to ask me about keys.”
The bottom seemed to drop out of the room, and Pomni had to quell a sudden wave of nausea as her stomach backflipped. Of course she was responsible for pulling him back from the edge. That knowledge was something that should have brought relief, but after all he’d told her, she felt like she’d pulled him back into a nightmare when he’d finally found his only viable escape route.
Out of the fire, but back into the frying pan.
And she’d had absolutely no idea that when she’d knocked on his door to convince him to help everyone escape, she was both dragging him back to a painful existence and about to unintentionally make everything worse. Interactions between Jax and everyone else had certainly become more tense and volatile since that day, and Pomni had already placed the blame for that squarely on her own head.
“… Are you … mad at me? For … for stopping you?” she asked, bracing for the answer.
He gave a bitter chuckle. “I don’t know. I really, honestly don’t know.”
What was there to say? If Pomni had known, she still would have tried to save him. All the context in the world couldn’t tell her what the right choice was, but she knew the one she’d make under duress by heart.
Given a million chances, she would pull him back from the edge.
Every single time.
She pressed against him, and was relieved to feel him reciprocate.
“I keep trying to tell myself … It can’t all feel that good, right? Everyone I’ve seen abstract, they seem so agitated and angry about everything … but I still like the idea that Ribbit and Kaufmo and the rest are at least … at peace.” He closed his eyes tight. “Makes it all suck a little less.”
The heartbreak in his voice was palpable. Pomni realized that she'd never heard him speak so openly about the losses he’d suffered. On the day she'd shown up, Jax at been so blase about Kaufmo abstracting that she never would have guessed they were any kind of close. Until Ragatha had mentioned Ribbit, Pomni didn't have any clue Jax was friends with any past Circus members. But the way he'd said their names just now was a eulogy in itself.
“Jax …”
“Ugh, Pomni, I don’t —“
Pomni went to reach a hand out at the exact moment Jax put his up to stop her and as their palms met, both froze with their eyes locked in a frenetic staring contest. Cautiously, Pomni enmeshed her fingers with his. Jax’s eyes went that much wider, ears disappearing behind his head. Armed with new context, Pomni knew this wasn’t the prelude to anger. Now that she was searching for it, she could see it; that wild, feral terror.
“What are you doing??” His body shifted away by a millimeter, but he didn’t try to pull his hand back.
“You’re reaching out, right?” she asked softly, holding his hand tighter. “Or were you about to push me away again?”
Jax’s arm tensed, and she could feel him thinking about yanking his hand out of her grip. He was painfully still for a moment, but then he relaxed ever so slightly and his thumb twitched against the back of her hand, as if he were feeling out this new configuration.
“I think you asked me what I’d do because you needed someone to know what you were going through,” she continued, resting their entangled hands against his chest as she turned towards him. “Now I do. And I don’t love you any less. So, what are we going to do about that?”
He looked at her as if she’d just casually mentioned she was planning to throw herself off the nearest cliff. “I tell you I could basically abstract at any moment and your solution is … what?? That I should date you??”
“Because holing up alone in the dark and stewing in your feelings until you mutate is a better idea?” she asked flatly.
“It’s more rational, for one thing!” Jax insisted. But he seemed more bewildered than anything else.
“I am so tired of fighting to be allowed to be close to you. Especially when I care about you and I’m pretty sure you also care about me.” Pomni flopped onto her back in frustration, still holding his hand in hers. “Even though I don’t know what the right thing to do for you is … I love you, and I’m going to keep you from losing your mind in here if it kills me.”
“You are listening to all this, right?” he asked nervously. “You have to see why this … us … it’s a stupid idea … you don’t even know how much longer I’m going to be around.”
Pomni shook her head. “That’s exactly why I want to do this. I won’t let you hit that point again.”
“You don’t know that!!”
“Losing you isn’t something I’m content to live with, and if you care about me at all —”
“Why do you think I’m trying so hard to keep you away from me??” Jax said desperately.
“Well can you maybe quit trying to protect me from yourself?” Pomni replied in frustration. “I can handle this!”
“Okay, but what about me??” Jax demanded.
The pitch of his voice had a panicked note to it, and Pomni suddenly wasn’t quite so sure she had understood him correctly. She was concerned about him. Why was he still not getting that?
“Being around me is … What if you …?” Jax winced with his whole body, and Pomni realized she was catching a glimpse of the full extent of his grief. “I couldn’t handle that. If I lose one more person … I can’t. I can’t do it.”
Now that she’d seen the mask drop enough to get a sense of how deep his pain and guilt went, it suddenly threw much of his behavior into stark relief. Not an excuse, but certainly an explanation.
He squeezed her hand back, tight. “Especially if it’s you … I can’t do this again.”
Pomni was silent, uncertain of what to even say. Of course she couldn’t lose him, either. But she didn’t know first-hand what that pain was like.
“And now that you realize how close I’ve been to the edge,” Jax continued, voice still shaking, “you have to know that me letting you get close is like handing you an armed nuclear warhead while we tightrope over the Grand Canyon.”
He wasn’t wrong. But at the same time, if Jax abstracted, it wasn’t like she was going to be able to simply move past it, either.
“I guess it is kinda like that … in that it’s mutually assured destruction.” Either the words themselves or the soft way in which she’d said them seemed to knock Jax askew for a moment.
“I … what?” he said stupidly.
Pomni gave him a sympathetic smile. “My read on this is … If you abstract, I’m right behind you. And vice versa. Maybe knowing that, and knowing we can’t do that to the other person, it means we both try harder, right?”
Jax’s eyes twitched. “I … guess??” He nervously rubbed his ear. “Yeesh … Not gonna lie, that’s kinda messed up, Pom Pom.”
Pomni leaned in with a wolfish grin. “It’s kind of perfect, really. It’ll be like a reverse suicide pact~”
Jax pressed away from her into the mattress. “Yeahhhhh that’s not exactly selling it. And besides, who says I even want to still be here?”
Pomni gave him an incredulous look. “I can name like three separate, blatant cries for help tonight alone, and you’re going to tell me you don’t care what happens to you…?”
“Ehh …” He screwed up his face, then shook himself like an agitated bird. “Fine. Maybe I care a little. But only because there’s a chance abstracting is worse than just existing here.”
“And I want to make existing here not suck,” Pomni said gently, still holding his hand tight. “Also … we both want to be closer, right?”
“Pomni …” Jax tried to let go of her hand, but when she didn’t respond in kind, he deflated slightly but readjusted his grip. “You are upping the stakes here in a way that I’m not sure you really understand.”
“I get that it’s that much more to lose,” she insisted. “But also, all we really have in here is each other. And I’d rather go all in on that closeness now. Especially if that might be exactly what you need right now.”
Jax heaved a sigh and rested their entwined hands on his chest. “Alright. Assume I’m 90% of the way there. See if you can convince me the rest of the way.” He waved his free hand in the air before letting it drop down dramatically onto the mattress.
“Well … it’s something real, first of all,” Pomni said, squinting as she scrounged around for anything that might make the risk sound worthwhile. “I think it’s good for you to maybe have some stakes at all right now. You also won’t have to feel alone anymore. We could maybe start enjoying the crazy stuff that gets thrown at us every day … it’s a little bit of meaning. A bit of companionship. Probably a lot of commiserating. Maybe we can … I don’t know, figure ourselves out together in here.”
Jax laughed softly, but something about it was intensely mournful. “Good luck with that last one.”
Pomni turned and put her head on his shoulder. “But you’d rather do this than keep fighting every few days, right? Being together would mean you can always come to me for emotional support. Honestly, I’d expect it.”
“Sure but … what’s your game plan for that? Because hugging it out when everything sucks is not exactly muscle memory,” Jax said wearily.
She sighed dramatically and snuggled against him. “Alright. How about this for a start: You don’t have to be around me constantly, but we at least don’t let each other wallow in misery alone. You won’t have to ask for anything because I’ll be here with you.”
“So … I won’t be sleeping alone anymore?” Jax asked, his tone unreadable.
“If that’s okay?” Pomni hoped the desperation wasn’t as evident to him as she swore it sounded to her. She tossed a leg over his hips. “I mean … this could be sort of a nice way to end the day, right? The … arguably human contact?”
Jax peered down at her leg, lazily draped over his body, and slowly reached out a hand to rest on it. “It’s … new. I could probably get used to it.”
Pomni relaxed at his touch. “Good. You’re gonna need to.”
Everything still felt electric where their bodies made contact. She normally recoiled at physical touch, but with Jax, she just kept falling towards him like there was no escaping his gravity. It hadn’t evaded her attention all these months that he made every excuse he could to get on her level, push his way into her personal space, and physically interact with her. Even if much of it had initially been done with the intent of pestering her, it seemed different than the way he interacted with the others. For a while now, his teasing had felt like a giant excuse to get up close and personal.
“I had no idea you could be so obnoxiously cuddly. Aren’t you … touch averse, or whatever?” Jax mumbled, knocking Pomni out of her own head.
She realized she’d nearly let herself slip back to dozing, and she hurriedly strung together the last of her stray thoughts. “I guess it’s different with you. Feels like one of the few ways I can reach out … you’re not bothered by it, are you?”
“No, I … don't hate it.” His expression was still nigh unreadable.
“I want to try to fix some of that touch starvation. Or at least make you a little less miserable,” she said as her brain began to drift through a haze of sleepiness again. “Figure out how to make you happy. You know … if you’ll finally let me.”
Jax’s gaze was still glued to the spot where their bodies intersected. “Make me happy, huh? I guess there is something you could do for me now …”
“Mm?” Pomni’s eyes were closed again, head resting against his chest. Her whole body felt like it was buzzing with a million happy bees, and the tiredness she’d been fighting against all night felt like it might finally win.
“Yeahhhhh … actually, do me a favor and put that leg between mine real quick?”
Pomni felt Jax shift one leg out of the way, and without opening her eyes, she clumsily repositioned hers. She had no idea what he was getting at, but she almost didn’t care. “What … Like this?”
“Mmm, yup. Exactly like that. Now, hold still for a sec …”
Pomni’s eyes suddenly shot open as she felt the unmistakable sensation of Jax rubbing his crotch against her thigh. “Are you humping my leg you Fing animal?!?”
Jax cackled and pinned her thigh between his as she flopped like a caught fish. “Aw, come on!! Don’t tell me I’m the only one who figured out that even though Caine won’t give us genitals, the nerves still work!”
“All this time I’ve thought you were in here moping around, and you were just jacking it??” she exclaimed, still trying to pull free. “Forget everything I said — you clearly don’t need me!”
“Nah, I was definitely moping,” Jax insisted, grinning wide. “Actually, I think you’re right about that touch starvation. Some very targeted human contact would probably fix me —”
“I said I love you—!!” Pomni squawked in betrayal.
“Yeah, and that was really sweet of you. I appreciate it.”
“—and you won’t even say it back, you butt!!”
“Oohhhh, so if I said it back, you’d wanna get frisky with me?”
“It wouldn’t kill you to try it!!”
In one fluid motion, Pomni suddenly found herself pinned to the bed by her shoulders, her view of the stars eclipsed by Jax’s giant, stupid face, and she realized too late that her shocked, open-mouthed expression had left her vulnerable. She didn’t even know Jax had tangible lips to put on hers, or that he could put his tongue that far into her mouth. Between that and his body pressing down, she was immensely relieved that breathing was optional here. She wrapped her legs around his middle, more aware than ever of their disparate sizes. Kissing and whatever counted as sex in this world would probably not be available in tandem.
And something about that was inexplicably very, very hot.
Jax finally pulled away, leaving her too flustered to speak. He put a hand on her cheek and gave the first genuine smile she’d seen on his face in a long time.
“Hey … I love you, too, alright?”
Pomni went limp against his hand, eyelids fluttering as she let him cradle her head.
She’d certainly hoped so. For so long, she’d watched him pull away at the slightest sliver of shared closeness or the mere idea of being vulnerable enough to show any sort of care. He had pulled out every single maladaptive coping mechanism there was, but it hadn’t made her quit wanting to dig down past all the thorns and shrapnel towards the person she kept seeing glimmers of. Maybe his life had been full of people who abandoned him, but she knew she could be the one who didn’t. For now, all she could do was smile, stupid and blissful, at his hard-won admission that he felt something for her, too.
“Uh … Do you … wanna maybe go to sleep at this point?” Jax asked awkwardly, seeming uncomfortable with the silence that had bumped up against his vulnerable words. He sat back, kneeling and still technically straddling her, but hovering nervously so he was no longer on top of her. “I was just messing with you earlier, and, well … You look like you’re only about half awake right now, anyways.”
“You mean you were only humping my leg because you’re incapable of letting things be serious for more than five seconds?” Pomni asked with a skeptical eyebrow raise.
Jax shrugged. “Someone had to break the tension.”
“Maybe you got my hopes up a little for nothing …” Pomni said, giving him a little smirk.
Jax sat back on his heels slightly, not expecting this turn of events. He gave Pomni an odd glance before looking away and rubbing his neck awkwardly. “I dunno if you really wanna complicate things more than they already have been, tonight …”
Pomni roused herself and gave a dramatic stretch and yawn, catching the hem of his shirt with her toes. “Hmm, yeahhhh, I actually think you should take all that off so we can do this right.”
That, out of everything that had been said so far this night, was the last thing she expected to make him glow scarlet.
“Wow, alright. Afraid I’m going to judge your rated-E-for-everyone body?” she asked skeptically.
“It’s not like there’s anything to see,” Jax mumbled back, looking away. “Makes as much sense to leave everything on, if we’re actually gonna do that … you’re not exactly missing anything …”
Pomni gave him a searching look, the kind that meant she was mentally psychoanalyzing him and beginning to put the pieces together. From the look on his face, Jax didn’t seem particularly thrilled about that implication.
“Have you … not been naked in front of anyone ever?” Pomni asked, confused. “Like, in an intimate way?”
Jax turned away, hunched shoulders telling her everything she needed to know.
“Hoooly crap; you've never had sex, have you?” she asked, so shocked she was almost in awe.
“I’ve been in here since I was like sixteen — what do you think??” Jax shot back defensively.
Pomni’s eyebrows did a little hop clear off her face. “Well, that sure puts a lot of things into perspective," she said under her breath. Her eyes suddenly went wide enough that they caught up to her eyebrows. “Uh, wait … how old are you, again?”
“Twenty two,” he said, an edge to his voice betraying that he was bracing for yet more questions.
“Are you … sure?” Pomni asked skeptically. “How can you even tell how much time has passed in here??”
Jax sighed and finally made reluctant eye contact. “How old are you?”
“So close to 26, I’ve basically stopped counting,” she said blithely.
But she immediately blinked in surprise right after she said it. “How do I know that …?”
Jax shrugged. “Weird little feature of existing here, I guess.”
Pomni shook her head and quickly did a little mental math. “Jeez, so six years and you haven’t ever tried this with anyone else?” she asked, incredulous.
Jax rolled his eyes with his entire body. “When would I have had the opportunity to hit that particular milestone??”
Pomni scrunched up her face. “Er, Ribbit?” she offered up skeptically. She knew so little about their friendship, but what Ragatha had let slip certainly made it sound like they’d had a strong connection.
Jax snorted dismissively. “She was a friend. A really great friend. But she never would have done something like that with me.”
The bitterness in his voice didn’t go unnoticed, but at this time of night, Pomni was willing to rocket past it … after mentally putting a pin in it for later.
“Okay, so, you don’t want your first time to be with our dorky cartoon bodies in all their naked glory, or what?” she asked, flustered. “Because I really don’t think it’s going to be any more ridiculously silly than you rubbing on me fully clothed.”
“Yeah, but I can handle it if we’re fully clothed and you laugh at me —”
“I’m not going to laugh at you!”
“You’re literally laughing at me right now!!”
“Because you’re being ridiculous, not because you look ridiculous,” Pomni said as she pulled her shirt over her head. “I probably look dumber than you do. So do you want to have stupid, awkward Ken-doll sex with me or not?”
[***]
She shimmied her pajamas off, with Jax still hovering above her, eyes taking in every inch of normally obscured skin. She tossed her clothes aside and laid back down, finally looking up to see Jax still burning scarlet as his eyes darted from point to point on her body.
“I can even be on top, if you want,” she said softly with a sympathetic smile on her lips. “I mostly know what I’m doing.”
“Huh?” Jax said, seeming to address her chest. “Sorry, I wasn’t listening …”
Pomni laughed gently and reached up to pull him down to her. “You’re kinda cute when you play dumb …”
His lips were right up against hers again, body pressing down, hands shakily reaching to cradle her head as he went in for another kiss. “‘Cute’ isn’t very masculine …” he murmured.
“Adorable, then,” she whispered back against his skin, right as he slid his tongue back into her mouth. It was so clear now that he barely knew what he was doing, and his eagerness to find new ways to make contact with her body was doing most of the heavy lifting. Maybe it was all for the best that they were limited by their lack of anatomy for the moment. It did simplify things somewhat.
She slid her hands down his sides, grabbing the hem of his shirt and playfully tugging it up a few inches. “Bet you look even better without this … and don’t you want to know what it would feel like to have nothing between us?”
Jax gave a nervous sort of whine, but he pulled away and sat back up, yanking his shirt off in one fluid motion. “What I really want to know is how it would feel to be inside of you …” he murmured, barely audible.
“Mm, take those shorts off and maybe you can use your imagination. I’m guessing it wouldn’t be the first time?”
He huffed, still visibly pink, and clumsily pulled his pajama bottoms off. He balled them up and tossed them on top of Pomni’s clothes, before turning back towards her, ears laying low behind his head.
“Look … it was funny when I was messing with you, but are you sure … all this …” he indicated a full up-and-down of his body with shaking hands. “Are you really sure?”
He looked exactly as lithe and lanky in the buff as he did when clothed, and Pomni found it weirdly endearing. “I’m practically fluorescent,” she quipped back. “Do you really think I’m in a position to judge? You’ve actually got the advantage here — at least you can see me in the dark.”
Jax’s gaze jumped back down below her hips, and his wide eyes were suddenly reminiscent of Caine when he blue-screened. There might not have been anything there, but Pomni supposed nudity was still nudity regardless.
She shimmied herself so her head was on the pillow at the top of the bed. “It’s up to you,” she said, radiating nonchalance. “But I still haven’t felt anything yet. Maybe you’re the only one that got crotch nerves that work. I guess we might never know.”
Jax shook his head to clear it, finally looking like he was processing things at normal speed. “You could … uh … probably figure that out yourself …”
Pomni rolled her eyes. “I’m not touching myself in front of you for your pleasure. Will you get back here already??”
Jax made a conflicted noise but finally knelt over and straddled her again, hands on the bed on either side of her shoulders and he shakily lowered himself down until their bodies touched. There was palpable nervous energy thrumming through him as they made contact and he pressed his hips down desperately between her legs. His head was bowed so it was next to hers — the prospect of being able to kiss him certainly not lost on her — his breath coming in loud, hot rushes against her neck.
“… Feel that?” he murmured breathlessly as he rolled his hips slowly against hers.
Pomni was feeling it to the point where she almost couldn’t see straight. “Okay, yep, those definitely work,” she whispered, high and breathless. She wrapped her legs around his middle as he rubbed against her, his hand slowly sliding under her head, fingers running through her hair. “D’you … think you can actually come like this?” She panted into his ear.
“Pretty sure,” he whispered back.
It had an awkward tinge to it, and Pomni was suddenly positive that he’d done this on his own. Probably more than once. Maybe even while thinking of her in particular.
“… Can you?” he asked, before she could find the words to ask how busy he’d been figuring all this out.
“Probably. But it’ll be fun to find out together …” Pomni whispered back with a blissed-out smile. She tossed her arms over his shoulders and kissed up his neck and across his cheek, hoping he’d get the hint and shove his tongue down her throat again. He turned slowly towards her, still panting, and leaned in until their lips met again.
“You’re humoring me, aren’t you?” he whispered against her mouth.
“I’m offended … that you think … I’m faking this,” she huffed back, bucking her hips up and grinding up against him.
“Not faking …” He kissed her open mouth, lingering. “I kinda thought girls wanted a little bit more than this …”
“Use what you’ve got,” Pomni mumbled back simply, her sloppy kisses missing their mark and hitting a bit off-center from his mouth.
He chuckled softly. “I mean, really, this is kinda gay …”
“Good.” Pomni was fully wriggling beneath him now, eyelids fluttering as she lost herself to the sensations between her legs. “You were cute in that maid dress … you’d make a pretty great lesbian if you could just … figure out … how to make use … of that mouth —”
He finally leaned all the way in, parted lips meeting hers, tongue sliding in and swirling in her mouth, his full body weight pressing down against her until she was compressed between him and the bed. He had a fistful of her hair held tight in his hand, preventing her from freely turning her head. Every movement was frenetic, like he was desperately trying to wring as much pleasure from between their bodies as possible. It was the culmination of everything she’d been feeling for months now — the longing and want that had been crackling between them every time they made contact, the tension every time he forced his way into her personal bubble, only to stop just before his touch became intimate rather than simply an intrusion. Considering all that, she was more than a little shocked he was capable of this level of sensuality. Sure, he was a little clumsy and slightly uncertain every time he switched things up and moved his hands or decided to try a different technique with his tongue. But at no point did she feel used. All of his attempts to seek pleasure in her body were things he was clearly trying to share.
And while it was incredibly sweet, she still felt like something was missing.
She trailed her hand across the shoulder of the hand that wasn’t presently entangled in her hair, and ran her fingers down his arm until she could slide her hand into his. With fingers entwined, she guided his hand until it was next to her head, hoping he could intuit what she was asking for. His attentiveness so far had been adorable, but after all of their bickering and teasing and full-blown violent outbursts, she almost wanted him to be a bit rougher to justify everything they’d put each other through. She wanted him to pin her, spread her wide, hold her down and make her take everything he’d been holding back …
Luckily, he got the message and shifted his weight so her hand was pinned up beside her head. In response, she spread her legs wider, tilting her hips so his body pressed up against all the points that were currently thrumming with pleasure. His movements had become sharper and heavier as his desire began to build, tongue pressing in and sweeping over the inside of her mouth before sliding partially out. She had to ask herself if her only metric for intimacy with him was the countless fights they’d had. She finally had Jax at his most soft-shelled and vulnerable. Why did she so desperately need him to rough her up? And why was it so easy to lure him into that without words and coerce him into spilling the full extent of his desire for her? Maybe all that fighting really had rewired both of them a bit.
That thought probably shouldn’t have been as hot as it felt.
Her feet desperately scrabbled against his back as a wave of pleasure crashed through her, making her back arch. She inadvertently let out a sharp moan, and Jax jerked back in alarm, releasing his hold on her hair.
“Are you —??”
Pomni pulled him back to her before he could finish that thought. “Get back here, stupid …”
“Are you okay?? Am I squishing you …?” he asked nervously.
“Yeah, and honestly you could stand to squish me a bit more,” she said breathlessly as she thrust up against him, making the bed shake. If she didn’t keep the stimulation going, she was going to lose the pleasant little aftershocks of what had been a pretty quality climax.
Luckily, Jax immediately fell back into rhythm, grip tightening on her hair once more, rubbing against her with long, frantic strokes as his other hand traced the curve of her waist and hip before sliding between her body and the bed so he could grab a handful of ass cheek and hold her against him. He wasn’t even trying to hide his hunger for contact anymore, and Pomni was luxuriating in the bliss of being wanted. Even if he was simply pent up and lonely after so long without the hope of intimate contact, she almost didn’t care.
He wanted it with her.
He was willing to make himself vulnerable in order to share this experience with her.
“Good boy …” she murmured, mouth half-full and eyes almost closed.
“Did you just call me—?” Jax didn’t get to finish that thought before Pomni thrust up hard against him, making his eyes nearly cross.
She moaned against his mouth, no longer caring if she was too loud. She wanted him to know that she wasn’t doing any of this merely to humor him. She needed this. After being held at arm’s length by him since she’d gotten here, she very desperately needed this. The thought of making him cum was the most validating image she could conjure right then. If she could get him off, prove to both of them that he was hopelessly enamored with her, then everything they’d been through had been worth it, and he’d clearly loved her all along.
His fist clenched on her hair and he pressed her hard into the mattress, trembling and whimpering as he gave a few more desperate thrusts against her body. Pomni let her head loll back, bathing in all the little sensations — every muscle twitch, every shallow breath, every soft little noise of pleasure — that poured out of him as he shamelessly came while wrapped in her body. For a moment, the bed rattled as his leg twitched, only stopping when he relaxed against her and turned his head away, panting hard.
[***]
“Did your leg just … do a rabbit thing?” Pomni giggled out, breathless.
“Shut up … did you even get off??” he groused, face flushing so deeply with embarrassment that she could feel the heat rolling off him.
“Yep.” She hugged him tighter and placed a row of lazy kisses up his neck. “Pretty good, too.”
“And you … kept going?” He seemed confused, and Pomni suddenly regretted not being louder.
“I got a little lost in the moment.”
“Sure but … you kept going for me, or …?”
“It’s not like it stops feeling good,” she said, relaxing back and lazily running her fingers up and down his ears. “I can kinda ride it out for a while, if I play my cards right. And also … did you really think I’d stop before you got a chance?”
Jax gave her a helpless look.
Ah, right; virgin.
“You’re adorable, and also that would be super rude of me.” She turned her head to the side and grinned with all her teeth. “Plus, I would have missed you turning into Thumper for a second, and I definitely —”
Jax put a hand over her mouth. “Yeah, that’s about enough outta you. Hope you enjoyed getting to bone me once, cuz that’s not happening a—OUCH!!” He jerked back, scandalized. “Did you just BITE ME?!?!”
Pomni batted her eyelashes at him innocently and shrugged as he rolled onto his back and crossed his arms.
“Changed my mind. I hate you.”
Pomni slid up beside him and rested her head on his chest. “Nah, you love me.”
Their eyes met, and for a moment, Jax’s legitimately annoyed expression had her worried. She hoped she had managed to diffuse the awkwardness with his brand of humor, but perhaps she’d overdone it. Her smile wavered slightly, but a moment later he broke and smirked back, giving her a playful shove.
“We’re both stupid,” he said, laughing in spite of himself.
“And you’re definitely going to do that with me again,” Pomni said smugly.
“Hmm, depends — is it always that dumb?” he asked, putting a hand on her cheek.
“Only when two people are really, really good with each other,” she said as she snuggled in close, one arm over his chest and a leg tossed over his hips. “Really, I wouldn’t be laughing this much if I wasn't comfortable with you.” She tilted her head into his hand and gave him an innocent look. “And … this is all still a very good idea and we’re great together.”
Jax gave a contented sigh and reached down to rub her back. “D’you think we’ll have to explain this to everyone else?” he asked quietly.
“Uh, which part?” Pomni asked skeptically. “Because if you mean the sex, they’re going to have a lot of questions and Zooble is definitely going to tease you about it being gay.”
“Not that part!” Jax said with a shudder. “No offense, but I definitely don’t wanna walk any of them through that.”
“We weren’t too loud. I think that can stay a secret just for us,” Pomni said with a snicker.
“I meant the … uh … we’re dating now, right?” Jax asked cautiously.
Pomni looked up with concern in her eyes. “That is what you ended up wanting …?”
“Yeah.” Jax pulled her a little bit closer. “Especially if that means we can do more of this. You said you weren’t gonna let me sleep alone from now on …”
“Oh, you’re gonna be sooooo sick of me so fast.”
Jax reached out to comb his fingers through her hair. “I dunno about that …”
Pomni pressed into his palm, expression blissed out and dreamy. She felt almost drunk on the physical contact, still, and the prospect of getting to live this nightly almost made being stuck inside a retro computer game worth it. She would have assumed the lack of bits to slide together would be a problem, but the awkwardness and inherent humor of the situation had strangely made everything better. Dry humping was, in its own way, almost charmingly retro, and sharing that with Jax had been humiliatingly pathetic in a way that wrapped around to being overwhelmingly hot.
“… You good?” Jax asked with a sympathetic smile.
“Sorry … wasn’t listening,” Pomni mumbled back with a stupid grin.
“C’mere, you …” Jax rolled over so she was under him and then pulled her in for another deep kiss, fingers winding in her hair and holding her tight again. She made a mental note to fight back a little next time, maybe when she was slightly less exhausted. She’d been getting flashes of their last big blow-out fight, and the memories were more and more layered with erotic overtones every time she replayed them.
But she had to admit that this, right now, was better than she ever could have expected. For once, she wasn’t being blocked or pushed away or baited into a screaming match. Once those walls fell away, it was like Jax couldn’t get enough of her; through touch and taste, and even the way his eyes kept wandering over her body and how his ears seemed to perk up every time she spoke or made the smallest sound. If this was what it felt like to collapse into another person and fully trust them, she hoped it would never end.
A knock at the door suddenly made both of them freeze.
“Hey … uh, Jax? Are you alright? I thought I heard yelling coming from in here …” Ragatha's voice sounded far too close even from outside the room.
Jax pulled away before swearing — probably a smart move. Neither of them had any clue what would happen if they clipped through the other’s censor bar.
“Did you lock that when you came in??” Jax whispered, his hand tightening on Pomni’s hair.
She couldn’t get enough slack to shake her head so she let out an almost inaudible, “Sorry …”
“I hate to do this,” Ragatha said through the door, “but we really don’t need anyone else abstracting because no one bothered to check up on them …”
As Jax proceeded to rattle off a string of swear words so rapid that the censor bar appeared to be lagging, his doorknob rattled and then gave a little squeak as it turned.
Well …
Fuck.