Chapter Text
Saskatchewan 2008
Shane hadn’t planned on needing his own room tonight, but he felt incredibly lucky to have it anyway.
The team paid for each boy and one parent to have a pair of rooms, joined by a door. Typically, he was happy to share a room with his mom, who was kind and supportive enough to travel with him to most games – especially major ones like this one.
For the first time in his life, he’s grateful for the privacy.
The lamp next to him provides a light glow as Shane opens his laptop, shaking out his nerves. Navigating to Google is harder, and he almost backs out completely. But he knows that closing his computer now would be far worse in the long run, confirming something about him.
Something that probably isn’t even true.
Quickly, he types his search into the bar: “Am I gay? Quiz”.
His face heats up as he clicks the first link. Shane’s always liked WikiHow, and he feels confident that they wouldn’t steer him wrong in his time of need.
Well, ‘need’ is definitely too strong of a word. He just had… a feeling. A strange feeling while talking to Rozanov earlier that he’s not used to. It doesn’t make him gay, as he’s sure he’s about to prove. He just wants to know what the feeling is.
Probably nerves for tomorrow. It’ll be a tough game, and Shane’s never faced a competitor as good as himself. So it’s probably nerves.
He allows the thought to spur him on as he clicks the link to start the quiz.
Have you ever had feelings for a same-gender close friend?
I think so. That’s why I’m taking this quiz.
Wait, what’s the difference between a close friend and a crush?
Don’t think so, but we’re so close people joke that we’re dating.
Nope. We’re just friends.
He wasn’t expecting to be caught up on the first question, but when he reads through the answers, he finds himself unsure. He thinks he had a crush on his ex-girlfriend, Stacy. And he must have had crushes on her friends because everyone on his hockey team did.
At least he and Rozanov aren’t close friends. He’s not sure what the “feelings” he had are, but he at least knows that the answer here isn’t an easy yes. He marks his pick, hoping that the rest of this quiz isn’t as hard.
Have you ever kissed someone or wanted to kiss someone of the same gender?
Definitely, and it was great.
I haven’t done it, but I want to try it.
Yeah, and I’m not sure how I felt about it.
Nope. Not interested.
Shane lets out a deep breath, relieved at a much easier question. He’s never kissed anyone of the same gender, and he hasn’t even thought about it. Even if he would’ve thought that with Rozanov earlier, the guy was smoking! He’d never want to kiss someone who was actively smoking, that sounds disgusting.
How do you feel about queer characters in TV shows and movies?
Oh, I’ve totally watched shows just for the queer ships and storylines.
I kind of feel like I can identify with queer characters.
I notice queer characters, but I don’t feel strongly about them.
I like the positive representation, but they don’t stand out to me.
Shane easily selects his answer, finally finding a rhythm in the answers. He’s seen people like Ellen Degeneres on TV (though she’s real, so he’s not sure that she counts), and he thinks it’s great for LGBT people. He knows how important representation is; he and his mom have talked about it a lot.
They don’t stand out to him, but he doesn’t watch much TV anyways.
When someone asks you who you’re crushing on:
A name comes to mind immediately, and it’s someone of the same gender.
I make up a name or pick someone random.
I literally don’t get the big deal about crushes.
I talk about someone of the opposite sex who I’m genuinely crushing on.
Shane was glad that Stacy liked him because he hasn’t really thought about things like that very much. He thinks a lot about hockey, but whenever the team pivots to teasing each other about girls, it’s easier to turn back to his locker. Everything needs to be lined up, in its exact place. Talking about girls and crushes is just distracting.
big>Has anyone ever asked you if you were gay?
People pretty much assume that about me all the time.
I’ve been asked that once or twice.
No one has asked directly if I’m gay, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did ask.
Never. People assume I’m straight.
No one has ever said that, to him at least. And he’d be pretty surprised if they did. He’s not sure what would prompt that, but he feels pretty confident that no one is thinking it.
When you imagine being in a relationship, what do you picture?
I can only see myself with someone of the same sex.
I’m not sure. Any gender seems okay.
I’ll probably be with someone of the opposite sex.
I can only see myself with someone of the opposite sex.
Shane’s only had one girlfriend, and he’s never been the best at visualizing things outside the rink, but he can’t imagine that he’d ever end up with a guy. It just doesn’t fit with everything he’s done or how he’s talked about.
How would you feel about identifying as gay?
Yeah, that feels right.
It honestly makes me a little nervous, but also kinda fits.
I’m not sure how I feel.
No, I really don’t think that’s me.
Shane breezes through this one, too. He’s never considered the label for himself, and considering it now gives him a stomach ache. With that information, it’s easy to click his answer and move on.
Have you ever felt attracted to someone of the same gender?
Yes.
Yeah, but everyone has, right?
People of the same gender are just objectively more attractive.
Nope.
Shane has spent the majority of his life playing hockey, spending time quickly showering in locker rooms and playing a physical game with physical guys. It would be crazy to not notice that some of them are... attractive. But, as the quiz rhetorically poses, that’s completely normal.
How do you feel about dating someone of the opposite gender?
I’m not interested. That would feel like a chore.
I wouldn’t mind, and I’ve either wanted to do it or have done it.
Maybe, but I’m not really interested in anyone.
I’d definitely date (or have dated) someone of the opposite gender.
This one is easy. He and Stacy broke up a few months ago, which means he has dated someone of the opposite gender. Shane smiles privately to himself as he clicks the answer; he is nailing this.
Do you ever fantasize about being with someone of the same gender?
Yeah. Pretty often.
Sometimes.
Yes, but I’m not sure I’d actually end up with someone of the same gender.
No.
This question pulls him up short. Shane wasn’t totally sure what counted as a “fantasy” here. Did it need to be intentional? He’d let himself have a brief daydream about meeting Rozanov before they actually met, and he couldn’t help but think about the disgusting puffs of smoke he breathed as he reached out for a second handshake.
Privately, in the back of his mind, he recalls the dream he had three nights ago about being on the ice with Rozanov – just the two of them. Nothing had really happened, just face-offs and puck-stealing, but he still woke up sweaty.
So, yeah. Maybe sometimes.
When you imagine kissing or being intimate with a future partner, how do you feel?
As long as I’m with someone I really like, that sounds great.
Good, I guess?
I can’t imagine that, and I don’t think I’ll ever want that, regardless of gender.
I’m too young for that.
This one stumps him. Shane can imagine a million different plays on the ice, sees every goalie’s weakness just from clips – he should know if he likes kissing.
He quickly decides that he does. He must! He’s had a girlfriend, and he’s always been respectful of her and her body. His mom and dad sat him down when they first started dating, giving a more tangible version of The Talk once he was in an actual relationship. And he was a good son, and a good boyfriend, and he tried to be a good person, so he wasn’t interested in jumping into something without knowing if she was comfortable.
Admittedly, it didn’t sound great… Hockey was great. But he definitely didn’t mind it.
If you scroll through your feed, do you see content from queer creators?
Yup. You got me.
Maybe! It depends on the day.
Yeah, but only because I’ve looked at one or two related posts.
Probably not.
Shane’s mom manages his social media; he’s pretty sure he hasn’t logged into his Twitter since she made it two years ago.
Flash forward 5 years: how likely is it that your partner is the same gender as you?
Very likely.
Pretty likely.
Possible, but not super likely.
Not very likely.
In 5 years, Shane will (hopefully) be inching towards his prime as a professional hockey player. He’s not even sure he’ll have a girlfriend, so the idea of having a boyfriend while in the NHL is practically unthinkable.
Plus, as he’s establishing through this quiz, he doesn’t even want one.
Would you be comfortable using an LGBTQ+ dating app?
Absolutely! I already have one downloaded.
I’m open to giving one a try.
Not really, but I won’t rule it out completely.
No. That makes me uncomfortable.
Considering that he’s only 17 – and the thought of dating apps at all make his skin itchy – he feels pretty comfortable with this answer.
Are there a lot of LGBTQ+ individuals in your friend group?
Absolutely! Lots of my friends are queer.
A few good friends of mine identify as LGBTQ+.
Not really—most of my friends are straight.
Nope. My entire friend group is straight.
Shane briefly thinks about Joe, who’s pursuing a career in figure skating. Joe had come out to the few of them who carpooled to the rink together while they waited for one of their moms. No one really said anything at the time, but Shane could feel the hockey players pull back while the figure skaters closed in. He had wanted to say something nice, but he didn’t know what that would even be.
Shane’s not not his friend, even if they haven’t talked in a while. He’s definitely not homophobic! But they’re not really friends like the people he plays hockey with. So he probably doesn’t count.
What inspired you to take this quiz?
I think I might be gay, but I wanted some extra validation.
I identify with aspects of the queer experience but am not totally sure where I stand.
I'm just curious about the result I'll get.
I want to confirm that I'm heterosexual.
He’s sure he’s straight. He’s never actually thought about it before, but isn’t that part of it? People who are straight typically don’t look at it too closely; they just know. And Shane just knows.
He clicks the button to show the results, pointedly ignoring that – by taking this quiz – he is looking at it closely. Whatever “it” is.
You’re probably straight.
Shane sighs in relief when he sees the results. The word “probably” sticks in his mind for an extra second or two, but he figures that a website can’t confirm something like this. Either way, whatever that was earlier, it was a blip. A strange, confusing, electrifying blip that he can forget all about. The proof is sitting directly in front of him.
He closes out of the tab before promptly deleting his history and closing his laptop. He needs to be up in just over eight hours, and he can’t afford to lose any sleep before he takes on the Russian team. Ilya Rozanov has been an incredible player to watch, but he’s sure it’ll be even more fun to beat him tomorrow.