Chapter Text
Suguru was fulfilling his dream. He was studying philosophy in a good university, enjoying college life and having good grades (or good enough at least). He was carving the path in life he kinda always hoped for, a quiet and meaningless existence in which the most important thing was simply existing. He liked that. Thinking about moral dilemas he wasn’t even going to apply ever in his entire fucking life, discussing ethics, worrying about sociology, learning about politics, self discovery… All those things that come with studying philosophy. Although, it hadn’t been constantly like that.
The first year of college he started an art degree. Plastic arts: painting, sculpting, sewing… He enjoyed it since he was a little kid. He was very creative and talented. But that isn’t always enough. The first year of art school had him having one mental breakdown after another, which eventually led him into a depressive episode, spiraling the whole year until he couldn’t take it anymore. He felt like every assignment was the final round of an infamous competition, like he never was good enough, like he needed to surpass everyone else on that entire fucking class just to feel he was worth something. He felt like he needed to be someone, and in order to achieve that he needed to be the best at everything and have the best grades. So he pushed himself to the edge, did other things that as hell he wasn’t proud of, like sabotaging the work of a classmate once and being a rude asshole to other classmates when they did better than him. You can’t keep up with all that negativity for a long time, it backlashes at you, and so it did. He lost like 15kg, developed insomnia, stopped showing in class, destroyed works that he had been working on like weeks… And worst of all, he was very fucking lonely. Eventually, it got to the point in which he wasn’t able to get up from bed, and then, he gave up art.
His parents couldn’t believe their ears when some weeks before the end of that first semester he told them that he gave up on art, and at life to be fair. They immediately went to his dorm to get him, saw the mess and him, and rapidly called his therapist. He had mental problems at a very young age: bullying, overthinking, other traumas… He had it rough mentally before. Not as bad as this one nevertheless.
His therapist diagnosed him, depression. Wasn’t really a surprise though. So they prescribed him some medication and he took off the second semester to get better.
At some point of his recovery he realized that making art with the duty to be someone, be recognized and praised for it, only made him miserable.He also stumble across the realization that even if he was the best (which even by itself is a very egotistical and subjective definition), he probably wouldn’t be able to be recognized as such, just because he didn’t have the connections or the money to make himself a path on the very much greedy and hypocritical art world. He enjoyed art just by doing it, he didn’t need to be praised for it, he didn’t need to be someone in order to be happy. Also, he didn’t want to be a part of that superficial world, he tend to believe art had a meaning beyond being beautiful or admired. So he decided to drop off art school, best life decision ever.
It was around this time too, that with all the free time he had, he picked up some history books and came across ancient Greece Philosophers. Plato, Aristotle… He found himself enjoying some of the messy self theories, moral dilemas, myths explaining reality.. He was familiar with philosophy, he really liked the nihilistic stories of Dostoyevski, and he had read some works of Rosseau and Voltaire when he was obsessed with the French Revolution, but he never considered it as an option. And then it clicked, it was the perfect opportunity to put that overthinking into good use.
He told his parents about studying philosophy, they reluctantly agreed but grew slowly into the idea as they saw him get better and better. He was truly happy.
The first year was amazing. He finally got to experience college life, make friends without all his competitive mindset, went to parties, got wasted, smoke a lot of cigarettes (and other things sometimes)… He also stopped pressuring himself to be the best and did well enough to feel proud about his grades. Didn’t compare himself anymore. Life was good.
It was around that time when he met Satoru.
At some college parties he started to associate himself with other degree students. He met Shoko at a massive party celebrating the end of the first semester. They clicked instantly. She was as sarcastic (if not more) as him, and they spent the whole party gossiping and smocking a lot as laughing at the evil remarks they spurted out about the gossip. They exchanged numbers and promised to hang out some other time around.
She texted him first. Apparently the gossip had updates and she was more than willing to share them with him. So they met at some cafeteria for some coffee and gossiped and talked for hours even after the cafeteria closed. She was a med student, interested in forensic medicine, like she wanted to become kind of mortuary assistant. Turns out she really liked investigating, learning about mysterious deaths and how to find the cause. Kind of… Creepy, but she was very compassionate about it, and she loved talking about death as a philosophical matter, so indeed they got along a little too well.
After sometime seeing each other, she invited him to a small party that some of her friends were attending. So he went.
When he reached the party, at a big house, it looked more like a small getaway with some friends. Shoko spotted him quickly and ran fast to get him and introduce him to her friends.
“Guys! This is Suguru Geto, the cool guy I’ve been hanging out with lately. ” She said enthusiastically.
“Nice to meet meet you. Shoko showed us some photos but you’re much cooler in person! I love your tats and piercings, they suit you sooooo well.” A guy with a bowl cut said, sincerely.
“Haibara! You’re making it sound like he’s my crush or something!”
“Sorry! That’s not what I meant, you know, she’s like super lesbian.”
“That doesn’t need clarification, no need to explain her and yourself, yk?” Added a dark haired girl with micro bangs.
“Utahime don’t be a brat. We’re meeting someone new and you’re being all bossy.”
“I dare you to say that again Nanami! ”
“Omfg here we go again…” Shoko muttered between her teeth “Guys! I am fucking introducing someone can you please behave for a fucking second! ”
Everyone quieted. Suguru just didn’t know how to react. He had just received a nice compliment to then be a witness of some stupid mini argument between Shoko’s friends who were clearly intoxicated.
“Oh no! Did we outed you in front of your new friend Shoko?” The bowl cut guy started sobbing. “Mhhh sooorryyyy. Maybe he’s homophobic and we fucked up your relationship, nooo.” He then throw himself dramatically to the floor and cried embarrassedly.
“Oh no no no no… I am bisexual myself, could not be me.” Suguru tried to calm him down.
“I think you had enough to drink Haibara…” The blonde guy took him off the floor, “I’m gonna head to the couch with him for a while. Nice meeting you Geto. ”
“Nice meeting you too… Uhm…Nanami and Haibara!”
Silence settled between the two girls and Suguru.
“You know what? I’m sorry, let’s start over.” The micro bangs girl scoffed. “I’m Utahime, a law student, nice finally meeting you.”
“My pleasure.” Suguru offered a heartfelt smile, the situation was kinda hilarious.
“Sorry for the chaotic presentation. They’re usually more chill, I swear” Scoffed Shoko kinda annoyed but more relaxed.
“Well, not everybody. Nanami needs to smoke like 10 grams of weed to be considered chill, hahaha! ”
“Can’t even argue ‘cause that’s like so true omg.”
Suguru enjoyed the little beef they had with their blonde guy friend. He could smell their group dynamics like kilometres away. He could tell they were very obviously good friends, even with the slight criticism. It warmed his heart.
“ So… Sho said you had a sharp tongue for gossip mister good hair. Do you wanna, maybe, debrief some juicy news about the rugby team?”
“Oh GOD yes. I’ve been waiting for this one.” The three of them giggled, Suguru then added. “Heard that the famous fuckboy Toji fell in love, is that really true?”
“Well, your mind is about to explode because I actually know HIS GIRLFRIEND.” Utahime squealed with slyness.
“I actually can add the other side of the story if y’all have me.” A white haired guy said, appearing behind them all of the sudden.
They all jumped with the shock of the unexpected comment of the guy. Suguru turned his head back to take a look at the source of that new voice. He was then met with the most gorgeous pair of blue eyes he had ever seen in his entire life, carefully wrapped between unreal white long lashes and locked on his very own gaze. A hair as white as the lashes and very smooth like, short but rebel making itself out of the cap the guy had put on backwards. He was pale and tall, like, very tall. Suguru was tall himself, like 185cm, but that guy was taller, 190cm at the very least. He was wearing a sleeveless white shirt, tight on his body almost exposing his very good looking torso, short enough to expose some skin at the bottom to show off the brand of the boxers he was wearing. Some accessories like a plain silver chain and some basic little silver hoop earrings and a mischievous grin. Teasing enough to make Suguru’s knees a little weak.
“Oh great, just when I was having a great day” Utahime sighed, very much annoyed.
“Gojo, you’re fucking late, what is your excuse this time? Told ya I was inviting a new friend over.”
Just when the new guy, Gojo, was muttering some terrible excuse, his gaze turned to Suguru as Shoko mentioned his presence.
“Oh right! Sorry for the wait good looking, I’m Satoru Gojo, physics student.”
Suguru was not sure of what he should be more shocked about: the fact that the obvious frat boy stereotype studied something as brainy as physics, or the fact that he had just called him “good looking” and his stomach just did a small flip at the compliment of the very much hot frat boy in front of him.
“Oh just ignore him. We’re childhood friends and he’s always been a flirty and annoying bitch. ” Explained Shoko elbowing Gojo. That actually made Suguru return down to earth.
“My pleasure Gojo, I’m Suguru Geto, philos-”
“Philosophy student I know I know, Shoko couldn’t stop bragging about you and how cool you were yk?” Gojo said with an evil grin.
“Oh fuck off, at least I don’t brag about nasty things like you whore! ”
“Are you… Slut shaming me Sho? Can’t believe it, thought we were friends. ”
“Facts are still facts you boob lover.”
“For your information, I’m more of an ass guy, and btw, you’re a boob lover too! ”
“Fair enough. “ Suguru nod quietly, but Shoko heard him, in disbelief.
“Ah hell nah! Do not give him that benefit Geto! ”
“Thanks for backing me up Suguru! See Sho?” Suguru? Since when did he gave that guy the permission to call him by his first name?
Suguru got bored of the constant nonsense arguing quickly and left them to look for Utahime who wisely had left a while before.
Sometime after the party really lived up, more people started coming and the house was full with college students drinking, dancing and doing god knows what.
Haibara, who had just sobered up a little since the crying incident, suggested playing beerpong with the group they were hanging out with. Suguru was a little wasted himself. He had really hit it off with Utahime and they had been spending the last hours drinking, dancing and gossiping in a nonstop loop. But he was always up for a challenge, even more when drunk and inhibited of good making decisions judgment. He was then paired up with Gojo. Not that hot brat again.
“Oh Suguru, you’re wasted as fuck, I’m so gonna kick your ass.” Suguru felt his face heat up. Taking his bangs out of his face, due to the dancing before that made his hair fall down, he felt brave.
“Big talk for a brat, a bird told me you can’t really hold up your liquor, Sa-to-ru.”
Satoru’s grin widened, he was being challenged and he loved being challenged.
“Confident enough that you’re even calling me by my first name emo boy?”
“Excuse you!? You’re so going down little frat boy. ” Suguru was really starting to get pissed off. Satoru sure was an annoying stereotypical frat boy as Utahime told him. And he hated frat boys.
Shoko and Utahime were laughing her asses off at the beef between the two boys, they enjoyed it a little bit too much. Meanwhile Nanami was fucking done and Haibara a little worried that this was something bigger than a little party fight.
They drank a lot on the game, too much. Suguru was already kinda wasted of drinking before so drinking this much was a big mistake, and Satoru didn’t have a good tolerance, wasn’t a good idea drinking that much on a game either. They both ended up in the toilet together, puking their entire fucking stomach out by that point, taking turns to do it. He was sure a brat, but Satoru surprisingly held Suguru’s hair subtly and carefully as he puked. Suguru didn’t say a thing, he thanked him holding eye contact a little longer and giving him some sweets he had on his jacket after they were done. Satoru thanked him enthusiastically, he loved sweets.
They found themselves going out for some fresh air and talking for the rest of the night. Satoru wasn’t a stereotypical frat boy, well, not all of him at least, Suguru learned that quickly. Even though all they talked about where silly things that night, he could see it. In the way he didn’t judge him, in the way he listened, really listened, in the way he made fun of him only because of his temper, in the way he understood why he would hate frat boys… His presence was surprisingly warm to be with, and he started to disagree with some of the things Utahime said about him.
After that party they slowly started to become friends. Turned out, Shoko was Satoru’s best friend and they hung out a lot. Shoko started inviting him over to her dorm to study with them. They would study for two hours or something like that, make some food and then talked and talked a little too much. Suguru had some friends before, but none like them. The spontaneous plans, the easiness, the silent understanding… It was something different, more special.
He then started hanging out more and more with Satoru alone. Shoko often needed a lot of time and peace to study, and she needed to study a lot, so they left her alone only passing by her dorm between breaks to offer some food and cigarettes to talk to her for a bit at least. Satoru was surprisingly nice to be with. Of course he was annoying as fuck time to time, but he had so much more to him. He was kind of a nerd on his field, knew a lot, talked a lot about it, had surprisingly good grades at it… He also enjoyed some other nerd stuff in secret, like Digimon cards or video games, and he also could be quiet and a good listener. He often read Suguru a little too well, noticing the small things, if he changed his behavior cause he was mad, if he was a little down, even when trying to hide it. And Suguru slowly melted himself into his warmth, talking about his struggles, his up and downs, his past. Satoru would listen without judgment and then comforted him. He often brought food he knew Suguru liked, suggest seeing some of the films Suguru liked… And some other times he just… hugged him in silence, holding so tight Suguru could feel his shoulders lighten up.
At first he had a little crush on Satoru. I mean, he’s really hot, how would he not? But he buried those feelings quickly because Satoru was straight as fuck. He only talked about girls and it never was romantic, he didn’t do romance. So he wasn’t willing to do anything just because he understandably found his friend hot, he wasn’t willing to risk the connection and the friendship they had. It was just a crush and it would eventually fade away.
The only thing he hated (besides the casual frat bot facade) was how he shut himself up. He even was very good at it, Suguru couldn’t read him as well as Satoru read him. It annoyed him to the core. He really struggled opening up. He never talked about his family, Suguru only knew that his parents were very conservative, rich, they were against him studying physics and very strict with his grades. Sounded shitty, but Satoru never expressed how he felt about them. He also never ever talked about why he hated romance, or why did he joined the frat if he hated half of them. Suguru had some big troubles trying to understand him.
Time flew by and they were in the beginning of the third year. Things were almost the same.
His usual friend group was now Shoko, Utahime, Nanami, Haibara and Satoru. They all studied different degrees but they compliment each others dynamics so well. Shoko, Satoru and him kept being the closest ones, hanging out at least one or two times a week for their study sessions. Satoru and him only grew closer with time. He still shut himself up a lot, but Suguru managed to get him to talk more about himself, which was a little victory at least.
“So he finally told me “Well yeah, it sucked that my parents only saw me as the family sucesor and not a fucking human being, I felt very lonely”, just to then brushed it off by saying that he couldn’t care less.” Suguru complained to Shoko. They were in the middle of a break of their study sessions, only the two of them, Satoru was at the frat house with his “bros”.
“Well that’s the longer he has talked about his feelings for a very long time. “Shoko added, a little bit shocked herself. “I haven’t been able to talk about them with him since the last big fight they had.”
“Which was… ?”
“Studying physics. Three years by now”
Silence settled between them. Suguru tried not to worry too much about Satoru’s bottled up feelings, but it was kinda hard with all this shit. He hated how now that he knew him, recognized every flinched he made, the slight change on his face with some comments, when his mood was down… He noticed, more and more with time. But Satoru still refused to engage, still denied when a comment stinged, still refused to open up even a bit. It wasn’t just only that Suguru felt worried, he felt like he just opened his fucking torso to show Satoru his deepest secrets and he didn’t even trust him enough to talk with him about that big fight he had with his parents just before college. It felt unfair, it felt like he wasn’t trust worthy.
“Don’t beat yourself up over it. He knows how to deal with his shit, I also hoped he didn’t dealt with it alone but… He’s been like that very much since high school, he’s like that for a reason. But you can’t help someone that doesn’t want help yk. I can tell you what I know of the big fight if y-“
“I don’t want to.”
“Suguru… It’s not your fault, he’s just… like that. And I wish he wasn’t but-“
“It’s… It’s not that, only at least. I just… feel like I trust him with my life and he doesn’t even seem to trust me enough to tell me how he feels about… about anything, truly. I’m getting a little desperate to be honest, I don’t think I can trust someone who doesn’t seem to trust me.”
“Yeah… Fair enough.”