Chapter Text
Eddie remembered the first time he knew he was loved. His abuela had come to visit. She was cooking all day, getting his mother out of the kitchen and letting Eddie and Sophia take bits of vegetables. Eventually, Sophia went off on her own. But Eddie stayed, listening to his Abuela sing, talk about her days at her church. He asked if he could help with the food. Abuela looked at him, a soft smile across her face as she took his face in his.
“You will be my taste taster, Edmundo. Your papi wasn’t a very good one but I see only promises with you, mijo. Now, traer una silla. You have a big job,” He immediately got up, got the chair to sit with her as she let him taste her many items. She didn’t let anyone else in the kitchen. She let him sit with her. That was when he knew his grandmother loved him. And when he looked up to see his mothers disgruntled face at the site, he knew his mothers love was something he had yet to earn.
It would take many years until he learned he was loved again. With a summer dress, and a lake. A girl with long brown hair and a laugh that didn’t make him hate life as much. A fucked up tire on the road and rosy cheeks in his truckbed. His first best friend, the person who made everything feel like it depended on him and a feeling of unease when people said he had a crush. Shannon had said she loved him at the beginning of Senior year. Her hair had a bow in it, he can’t remember if there was a reason. Her dress was a blue he hadn’t seen, almost neon in color. Her hands were shaking as she waited for a response from him. He didn’t remember saying it back. But he must have.
They kissed, they started dating. They made mistakes, made even more. Found out they were gonna have a baby. Then got married as quickly as the test was taken out with the trash. He doesn’t remember if he said he loved her back. But he does remember that he hoped she would take it back. That she was wrong. But she never did. Not until much later. When he could say it was far too late, but Shannon was kind to him when he didn’t deserve it. Shannon deserved a better man who would remember the first I love you. She deserved better than many things.
He’s had three relationships. All have ended because something was just off. Something he couldn’t name. Something he never gave himself the chance to think of. Ana was perfect. She was every bit what he could imagine falling for. She was kind, hardworking, brilliant, and beautiful. She could see herself falling in love with him. He’s glad they never got that far. Something was wrong with him. He knew it then and then again. Marisol was good. She was also hardworking, good with Christopher. She would have fallen in love with him. But she didn’t. And even after the whole debacle, he’s so glad she didn’t either.
Buck was in between them all. Like a coo of a mourning dove. Buck was a familiar sound he’s grown accustomed to hearing. He was a looming presence that took such space it was impossible not to feel his absence. Buck Loved him from the beginning. Maybe not the very first shift, but soon after. It was in every action. It was in every word. It was in everything he did. He saved his kid, saved Eddie's life. Buck loved him like he’s never felt before. He didn’t earn that. He just took up that space, and he let it happen.
Buck left a book on his night stand. It felt like he left a warning sign in his bedroom. But it almost felt like a lifeline. Eddie could read Buck’s words in the margin. The long thoughts that went everywhere and nowhere at all. The little notes to himself about a funny character. A little poorly drawn doodle. The bookmark with a tiny black cat in Turnouts. On the inside of the book was a single post it note.
“Remind Eddie to read. He’ll love it, I swear :)”
Eddie smiled, heartbroken and teary eyed. This was a man he’s only ever disappointed. This was a man he’s known longer than his father was ever home. This is a man who’s only ever made him feel light, who loved his son, who made him whole. What did he do to deserve such a beautiful man? How did he lose the last love of his life?
So, he sits with it long enough to make his head spin. He thinks of every possible moment in his life that made him this way. Every instance that love found him and he chose a different path. All the ways love had left him alone. All the ways he’s failed the ones he loved. He thinks until he realizes maybe therapy would have been the smarter choice than drown in his self made pity again. Eddie was good at that though. No one could deny that.
He thinks of an instant that didn’t seem significant at the time but now looking back on it, it was all there. Adriana had come by the house in Texas. Trying to bond with her older brother. He never quite got the hang of being that figure to her. Too caught up in raising her. Too caught up in the distance he puts between them to feel normal about himself.
“Do you remember when the Moreno family moved away?” Adriana mentioned, playing with the edge of wrapper on her bottled tea.
“Moreno?”
“Yeah, they had a kid a little younger than me. Tyler?” She said it like it was a distant memory. It probably was for her.
“Ah, I think I vaguely remember his name being screamed a lot”
“Tyler was a good kid. He just… He was so different. Mom would always say something snide about his hair or the way he spoke. I think about him sometimes. That family was so much like ours,” He looked up at that, she was looking off into the distance. Her brown eyes looked more doe like in the mid afternoon.
“In what way Adri?” He asked. But it felt like handing a loaded gun to his baby sister. What was their family like through your eyes? How much did they fail you too? How much did i fail you to see the faults?
“Suffocating and yet so cold. I hope he got to be himself one day.” Which was true. He’s shocked she could feel it. But what’s shocking about the sun rising in the east and setting in the west? It was so damn apparent. He could only look away from her again.
“You really think of him”
“He was sweet. The world doesn’t really like sweet boys. It doesn’t really like sweet anything”
“I’m sure he’s okay, He’s not here right?” Eddie joked, smiling slightly at the soft chuckle it got him. He took a sip of his water. Wishing that it was possible a beer, wishing that maybe Buck would be home for a chat when he finally left back to his place.
“You were sweet” Adriana said, looking straight at him with a look he was familiar with from her. The ‘this is my big brother’ look. He looked right at her. She smiled, a heartbreaking thing that felt like the gun had gone off. “You still are”
Eddie could only smile back. Until their mother called them inside for a late lunch. And it was back to pretending like being seen wasn’t something that made his skin itch.
Eddie doesn’t remember Tyler, but he sure as hell remembers Mrs. Moreno. A woman who wasn’t like his own mother. She was something else entirely. She was kind in a way the rest of the neighborhood wasn’t. She loved her kids, she said it quite often. He remembers the day she moved out. It was the part Adriana couldn’t remember because she was so young. But the woman left in her car, with her head held high. Kissed her son on the cheek and whispered something in his ear. Mrs. Moreno was gone and another woman soon showed up in her place. The new family moved soon after. He doesn’t remember anything else. But he remembered the way she loved her son.
So, Adriana was wrong in that sense. It was nothing like their family.
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Buck was something from the very beginning. Buck was loud. He was pouty. He was annoyingly stubborn. He was competitive in a way that made Eddie pause. Buck was nothing like anyone kept telling Eddie he was like. So when he risked his life in that ambulance. And Eddie told him he could have his back, he watched his face shift. His eyes softened in a way that felt familiar. Like he’s seen those eyes before. All Eddie could think was.
Oh. I like you.
It was almost instantaneous. The shift of annoyance to curiosity. A person who he could count on. A best friend for the next 7 years. Relationships passing for each of them like shifting plates in the earth. Leaving so much ruin that the only constant that ever was, happened to be them. The three of them. Chris. Eddie. Buck. The thought of that changing makes him feel a type of desperate he’s tried to avoid. But he can’t avoid Buck. So he was desperate.
He would watch him as the months went along in the station. Cool, calm, collected. Smiley. Competent. Pouty. Gorgeous. Intelligent. Content. But as much as he didn’t want to know, Eddie knew most of it was a front. He’d catch the faintest dip of a smile when everyone looked away from him. He’d hear the laughter sound a bit more fake as the shift went on. He’d see Buck taking a minute to breath alone in a corridor.
It was shockingly obvious that something happened between them. They pretended as much as they could that nothing had changed at all. That they were the same people they’ve always been. But everyone knew. Hen would look at them with a pensive eye and seemingly innocent curiosity. Chim would try to understand the weird tension between them but suddenly decide he didn’t want to know. Ravi seemed to stick by Buck most of the time, with sad eyes. Maybe Buck told him. Or maybe being Bucks partner meant more than Eddie had expected. Maybe being Bucks' partner just made you increasingly aware of his emotions.
Or maybe Ravi was just a good friend. A better friend than Eddie could be. Because he wanted to try. Eddie swears he does. But he’d see those perfect soft blue eyes look at him with an inkling of a hope he couldn’t answer. Then it was looking away and choosing something far less exciting to do than be in Bucks vicinity .
He’s ultimately lucky that Bobby retired after the lab incident. One look at his eyes and he’d probably beg for just a slight recognition that he was doing something right. That he wasn’t as messed up in the head as everyone told him he was. That he wasn’t who his father feared he’d be. That he was the son his mother spent months praying for. He’d beg for the bit of parental love he’s only ever given rather than received himself. And Bobby didn’t need that. No one needed that.
So he keeps to himself. For the most part. Until a certain Wilson pops up.
“Are you organizing the med supplies again?” She asked, standing outside the ambulance doors. Her arms crossed as she took in his frantic organization.
“Triple checking everything’s in order,” He said, paying attention to the same amount of gauze he's held for the last twenty minutes. He hoped he sounded more believable to Hen than to himself but at her unimpressed gaze he finds he still isn’t a great liar.
“Right… Right”
“What can I do for you, Hen?” His voice as chipper as it’s been, hands on his hips.
“Nothing! Nothing… we’re just a bit worried. You’ve been off is all. Wanted to do a little check in,” Hen looked so genuine, Eddie knew this had to be a planned attack. Well as planned as the meddlers association could get.
“Is Chimney checking on Buck?” He guessed. Well that was nice while it lasted. At least Hen had the dignity to look sort of sheepish about it.
“Chim is asking Maddie if he should check on Buck.”
“What’d she say?”
“Same as she always does. ‘ Always check on Buck, I’ll text him after work. Do I need to leave work to help my baby brother?’ ” Her lips turn to a pout, he can’t help but chuckle softly. Though they came to LA at the same time, have known each other for years, and love the same person more than anything, he’s never gotten to really know Maddie as much as he should. But he does know one very important tidbit.
“She’s a good sister,” He smiled wistfully at his feet. He wished he was a good brother like that, a good son like that. A better father. He looked back up to see a sad decline in Hen's face as her smile dipped and her soft expression got even softer.
“Let me be yours for a second?”
“Hen—“
“You don’t need to tell us or me what happened. You don’t owe anyone that information. But everyone will check on Buck. Let me check on you. Let me be there…Partner,” And the thing is she was trying. God she was trying. And he had never been more thankful in a person for trying to have his back. But Eddie is many things. A good communicator is not one of them.
“What happened was always gonna happen Hen. And it will keep happening until I die. Regret. Guilt. It’s all I've got. I’m not fine. I won’t be. I don’t need a sister. I’ve already got two and they don’t need me like they used to so I'm good. I’ll survive. Because I have to. Because it’s what I do. So please. Go check on Buck. He might actually give you something to work with,” He exclaimed angrily, gesturing towards the loft. The sick feeling in his stomach shifted as he saw Hen's unimpressed gaze sharpen. Like he played right into her hand.
“One day you’ll listen and realize people actually do need you around. Maybe it’ll be the same day you take that stick out of your ass and do something,” She was right of course. Hen was almost always right. But he still rolled his eyes. Played up the sass to a level of ‘leave me to wallow’ that everyone seemed to listen to, even if what was always underneath that perplexing thought of ‘please never leave me’.
“No one needs me,” He mumbled, hoping that’d be the end of it. But Hen wasn’t someone to use that tone with, and she was much less likely to indulge his very particular attitude.
“Then I guess I have my reason why you two aren’t talking anymore”
“Hen—“
“I’m gonna check in with Cap.” She said, leaving him alone just like he asked. Just like he said he deserved. But the wake of looking up and seeing her disappearing figure brought out this ache that seems to have bloomed the day he held Sophia in his little arms. The loss of something he never had.
“I’m— I'm sorry,”
The feeling of being too late. Of watching your whole life disappear between your fingers. The wistful feeling of seeing something so small look up at you with a question. The guilt of never knowing how to answer. Yeah, he didn’t deserve a sister like Hen. He knew the day his father spent more time yelling at him for crashing the car, that he didn’t even let Eddie hold Adriana first. He knew when the first act of kindness he ever felt was a soft hand on his cheek and the toothless grin of his little Sophie. He knew when he watched his sisters grow further and further apart as the years passed. He wasn’t meant to be a brother. At least none of theirs.