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For what feels like the billionth time, Bobby is stuck in the firehouse kitchen, trying to figure out how to go back to sleep after—
Nightmares are not a new problem. Nightmares about Buck being hurt aren't, either.
The only difference is that now, he actually knows what the kid looks like when his heart's stopped beating.
So, he sits, and stares, and tries to stave off the urge to go downstairs to the bunk room and watch Buck's ribcage move.
Bobby doesn't jump at the ice cold hand gripping his forearm, but it's a near thing.
"Buck?"
Seems he's not the only one having trouble resting tonight.
It's dark up here, dark enough at least that he can't exactly make out the kid's features, but his eyes look comically large even in the dim glow of the engine bay and kitchen appliances, widened with fear.
"Where is he?"
The fingers clamping down on him get tighter before he can answer.
"Tell me where he is. Please, just tell me, I need him to figure out how to get out of here, he's the only one who can—"
To say he's confused would be an understatement. He gets out of his chair, stands up, entirely too slow, trying to make sure Buck can tell what he's going to do before he does so.
"Hey, it's okay, who are you looking for?"
"I—Bobby, he, he helped me get out of here last time, he's supposed to be here somewhere—"
Oh.
Oh, Buck.
Bobby knows, of course. Knows about the coma, about himself inside of Buck's head.
Whatever's going on, Buck thinks he's back there, thinks he needs to find Bobby to get out.
Buck had mentioned sleep-walking once. It'd been off-handed, said as a kid he had had a cocktail of night terrors with sleep-walking, and that his parents used to lock him in his room to "protect" him.
The Buckleys are very lucky that Bobby only met them after Buck had long since moved out.
The way Buck had talked about it made it sound like he didn't sleep-walk anymore, but Bobby supposes it's not shocking that it would come back. Especially after the last few years, the kid has had.
"Where is he? Please, I-I need him." The grip on his arm tightens to the point of bruising, and Bobby does his best to not wince.
He tries his hardest to be gentle, as he un-peels Buck's fingers from around him.
"I'm right here, kid. It's okay. You're okay." He's pretty sure that Buck isn't really able to actually hear him, but Bobby's not sure what else to do.
He does his best to gently steer Buck towards the couch, to get him somewhere more comfortable and help him ride it out but the kid ends up literally trying to dig his heels into the floor.
"Where are you, hey, no, don't, not that way, please, that's where they are—"
So, they end up stopping halfway to the sofa.
Because Bobby can't take the honest to God fear in Buck's voice.
"Who's over there?"
He asks, as softly as possible, because the kid is halfway to hysterics already and while he might have an inkling who he's talking about, getting upset will do nothing.
"My—my parents, they're trying to get me to come back home with them, but I wanna stay here, please don't make me go with them—"
Bobby puts the hand that isn't in a vice-like grip on Buck's shoulder.
"It's okay. We can go somewhere else instead, and then I'll tell your friend where to find you. That sound good?"
The nod he receives is shaky, and hard to make out in the dark, but still there.
Bobby pivots and starts maneuvering him towards his office instead. He has a couch, too.
Besides, he's not entirely sure Buck could take it if anyone else witnessed him sleepwalking.
///
He's not sure what he did to deserve this stranger's kindness, but honestly, he couldn't care less about that right now.
He just needs to get out.
So, he lets himself be led to a different set of couches in these endless hospital corridors, and these actual feel—
Safe.
Soft.
Comfortable.
Like he could fall asleep on them.
Familiar, even.
The man is talking to him again, but he can't listen.
"Where is he?" Buck needs to see Bobby, needs to know he's alive, needs him to get out of here. He can't do this without him. He can't.
"He's coming, kid. He's on his way, I promise."
That's not good enough though. Buck needs him now. He's already been here for too long. He doesn't want to risk getting stuck.
"Please, I need him now. Please." Buck begs the man, even as he lets himself get gently corralled into sitting on the couch.
"I just need you to sit and wait for a little while longer. It won't be much longer I promise." The man says. His voice is kind, steadying, but his words can only help Buck so much.
Buck can feel his chest squeeze. He can't breathe, he can't breathe, he can't breathe—
"Kid—" There's a hand on his shoulder, it's squeezing just forceful enough to make Buck refocus on the man. "You're going to be okay. I promise.”
Buck trembles. He wants to believe it. He wants to—But the fear keeps a tight vice around his chest, and he can't believe anything else.
He shakes his head.
He's never going to make it out of here.
He's not okay.
How can he ever be okay?
"Evan."
He jolts.
His parents—
He stands up, pushing the man away from him. He's not safe here. Nowhere is safe.
He cowers, looking around for where his parents are.
"Evan. Come home, Evan."
"No!" He yells. "I'm not coming home with you! I can't."
There's a desk here, and he hides behind it.
He feels like a coward, but he's not sure what else he can do. He'd tried finding Bobby. He'd tried finding his way out of this place. Nothing had worked.
The nice stranger he'd found is now gone too.
It's just him now.
"Please, leave me be. I can't—" His voice cracks, as he pleads, and he desperately grasps anything nearby to protect himself with. "Leave me alone. Please, just leave me alone."
"Evan, are you really going to keep doing this?" His dad's voice, familiar in its disappointment, enters the room, and Buck looks up to see him prowling towards him.
"Dad, please—I'm sorry. I promise I'll be good. I'm sorry. I won't do it again—"
He cuts off as Phillip grips him tight, and tries to pull him out from under the desk, and it hurts, it hurts, everything hurts, his entire body hurts and he can't—
"Stop, please, stop, it hurts, please,"
He's full on sobbing now, but he can't bring himself to stop, it wasn't supposed to be like this, he was going to find Bobby and get out, just get out, and now he's never getting out of here—
///
"Please, stop, you're hurting me dad—"
Bobby stops processing anything else that comes out of Buck's mouth after that.
He—
He wasn't even touching the kid.
Whatever he's seeing, it's—
His heart shatters in a billion pieces as Buck sobs and curls up on himself further and further, right in front of him. Faintly, he wonders, whether this will ever end.
So, he sits, and watches, powerlessly, as the kid pleads for mercy from someone in his own head, caught so deep within a hell of his own creation.
Unable to do a single Goddamn thing.
Unable to do anything but bear witness.
The sobs die down after what could have been both a few minutes, or half an hour. He stopped experiencing time correctly the second Buck came upstairs, probably.
As the sobs quiet, so do the pleas. Buck's face changes, too—from terror to acceptance, and what he says next has Bobby tear up in his stead:
"I'll come back with you, please, just stop."
He sounds so young. And still so tired. Like he's been here a hundred times before. Too many times.
(Even just once would be too much. If Bobby finds out this has actually happened—he's not sure what he'll do. He's just sure no one will find Phillip’s body.)
Eventually, Buck's breathing evens out and he slumps into Bobby’s side.
Bobby turns his head, cautious of making any sudden movements.
“Kid?” His voice is shakier than he'd like to admit, as he scrutinizes Buck for any signs of him waking up or further activity of whatever night terror he's having.
There's no response and Bobby slowly realises that he must've fallen back asleep.
He moves his arm so it's around Buck, and holds him in close, trying to steady his own nerves.
Bobby's seen a lot, but it's been quite some time since he'd been witness to a night terror. He'd always had plenty of empathy for those who go through them, but he's now realising just how scary it is for those who witness them too.
Bobby stays still for a while, too scared of jostling Buck, even if he wishes he could pick him up and carry him back to bed.
His back aches, but Bobby does his best to ignore it, focusing solely on Buck.
He watches his breathing like it's his lifeline.
The image of him dangling in his harness is still all too fresh and it takes everything in him to keep his breathing steady, as he continues to hold Buck.
Buck's breathing hitches at one point and Bobby tenses, waiting for any possible sounds to follow, but it quickly evens out again.
“I got you, kid.” Bobby whispers aloud, even though he knows Buck can't hear him. He hopes Buck's self conscious listens anyway. “I'm right here.”
Bobby kisses the top of his curls and then leans his head back against the wall with a soft sigh.
He’s going to need so much coffee tomorrow morning.
///
Buck wakes up, neck aching and head full of cotton.
Immediately, he feels like something is off.
It… takes him an embarrassing amount of time to realise that he's not in his bunk.
He's… on the floor?
In Bobby's office?
He feels something shift beneath him and he realises he's sitting next to someone.
…That someone being Bobby.
What happened?
“Morning,” Bobby speaks, and his voice is rough.
“Cap?” Buck asks, shifting so he can face Bobby.
He looks exhausted, bags heavy under his eyes and skin pale.
“What—what happened?” Buck looks around them for any possible clue and comes up empty. “Why are we on the floor?”
Bobby is silent for a moment and his gaze is heavy, eyes weighted as he looks at Buck, who tries not to squirm under them. “You don't remember anything?”
Buck's stomach roils with anxiety. “No. The last thing I remember is hitting the bunks with the rest of the team…”
Bobby nods, taking it in, and Buck wants to shake him to stop stalling and to just tell him already.
But finally, finally he speaks.
“You mentioned to me once that you used to have night terrors.”
Buck's stomach drops. “Oh, Bobby—”
Bobby puts a hand on his shoulder to steady him. “You're okay, kid. I promise.”
Buck shakes his head. He remembers Maddie describing to him once what it had been like to witness it. He knows how traumatizing it can be.
“I’m so sorry, Cap.” God, how many people had seen him? “You shouldn’t have had to deal with that.”
Bobby’s hand squeezes and it momentarily breaks through his spiral. “Hey. It's not like you can control it.”
Buck shakes his head. “Maybe, but still, that's not something I should bring to work.”
Buck looks around them, finally processing being in Bobby's office.
“Did anyone else see?”
Bobby shakes his head. “Just me, kid.”
“Okay. Okay…” Buck releases a shaky breath trying to compose himself.
He stretches, extending his legs outward and arms upward, trying to shake the unease out of himself.
One of his least favourite parts is the not knowing.
He can't remember anything from last night, but judging how Bobby's looking at him, Bobby isn't so lucky.
Still, Buck foolishly hopes that Bobby will let this go.
Buck sighs, before pulling himself up.
Or… trying to.
Bobby's hand moving to his arm stops him in place.
“I think we should talk.”
Oh no.
That was the last thing Buck wanted to hear out of Bobby's mouth.
“Can we at least sit on the couch?” Buck asks, smiling but he can tell it doesn't really reach his eyes.
He doesn't like the way Bobby's looking at him, as if he were some lost kicked puppy that he wanted to adopt but couldn't.
He hates not knowing what happened, but he hates the idea of finding out even more.
“Okay.”
They sit on the couch, Buck trying to give him space, even though he wants nothing more than to bury himself in Bobby and hide away from the world.
“I know I don’t have a right to ask, but—” Bobby starts and then cuts himself off. Buck feels his heart begin to beat faster in fear.
Bobby sighs. “I just need to know. Are you safe?”
Buck’s eyes widen, both in confusion and in fear of what he might’ve said in his sleep last night. “Bobby, it was a night terror. Like—a nightmare. You know those aren’t real. They’re just—your brain processing stuff.”
Bobby takes a longer inhale and Buck watches him closely, feeling unnerved.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?”
“Yeah…” Did Buck forget to tell Bobby something? He tries to think of anything he might’ve dreamed about that would be freaking Bobby out as much as this, but he comes up blank.
Buck ends up losing his patience, the unease of this whole situation finally getting to him.
“What’s this about, Cap? What did I say last night?”
Bobby’s eyes dart around the room for a moment, before he finally seems to settle. He holds eye contact with Buck as he speaks.
“You mentioned your dad hurting you.”
Buck’s stomach drops.
Oh.
He feels himself freeze, mind taken back to a place he hasn’t been in a very long time.
“Let go! You’re hurting me, Dad, please.”
“No. You’re not going anywhere until I’m done talking to you.”
“Buck?”
Buck feels something touch his shoulder and he flinches back.
He looks back up to see Bobby staring at him with concern and—and sadness.
“I’m sorry.” Buck says, eyes darting away, and he feels his shoulders curl inward. His mind feels blank except for those two words repeating on loop.
“What are you apologising for?”
Buck shrugs, swallowing in discomfort.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
“You don’t have to talk about it. But I need to know if they come to visit—”
“No!” Buck blurts, before realising that that didn’t really make sense. “It—it was just once.”
Buck brings his arms up around himself, trying to steady his nerves.
“It was just once. I know—I know that doesn’t make it okay, but I promise, Bobby, I’m not in any… danger or anything.”
The silence is suffocating.
Buck wishes he could break it, wishes he could do something about it, change the topic, crack a joke, but even breathing is difficult right now.
“Please don’t tell Athena.” Buck manages to squeeze out. If either of them confronted his parents, he’s not sure he could live with the fallout. Maddie would kill him.
Bobby takes a sharp inhale. “Buck—”
Buck finally makes eye contact with him. “Please.”
Bobby holds the stare for a moment, before sighing. “Okay. Okay. But you have to promise if you’re ever in danger, that you’ll tell me, okay?”
Buck nods. “I can—I can do that.”
They fall back into an awkward silence, and Buck hates the weird tension they’re sitting in.
Bobby watches Buck for a moment, before softening and opening his arms. “I’m not gonna hold it against you if you need space right now, but—”
Buck folds himself into Bobby’s arms before he can even finish the sentence.
“Thanks, Cap. I’m sorry for being difficult.”
Bobby’s arms squeeze tighter around him. “Hey. You’re not being difficult, kid. Not at all. You have nothing to apologise for. Nothing, okay?”
Buck doesn’t reply.
Bobby pulls back, so he can look Buck in the eye again. “Okay?”
Buck looks away.
“Okay.”
He doesn’t really believe it, but he doesn’t want to stress Bobby out further.
Bobby softens, and Buck can tell he’s seeing through him, but he doesn’t comment on it, just pulls him back in for another hug.
“I got you, kid. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
Buck closes his eyes and does his best to let his words sink in. He might not believe everything Bobby said today, but he can believe this.