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Buck and Eddie sat on the couch, Buck’s arm casually thrown around Eddie’s shoulder and Eddie’s head leaned against Buck’s temple. Buck was watching a documentary about a species of bird in the Amazon while Eddie was content to just zone out and sit beside his boyfriend, tracing random shapes on Buck’s jean-clad thigh.
Since they had started dating a month before, Buck and Eddie cuddling on the couch had become a very common scene in the Diaz household. The two firefighters always seemed to be touching in some way, whether it was their knees pressed together in the rig or their hands laced together over the dining table.
Hen called it the honeymoon phase, but Eddie was pretty sure it would always be like this. Buck was it for him. His best friend. The love of his life. His soulmate. He knew that Buck felt the same way.
Eddie was just glad he and Buck had finally gotten their shit together. Neither of them had realized it, but this had been a long time coming.
It wasn’t until Buck finally moved out of South Bedford Street that Eddie realized how much he liked having him around 24/7. It had taken a few months for Buck to find an apartment he actually liked, and in that time Eddie had grown accustomed to sharing a living space with his best friend.
Chimney had asked if they ever got sick of each other, especially after a 24-hour shift. But Eddie could honestly say he didn’t. He could never get tired of Buck.
Case in point, Eddie didn’t handle it very well when Buck moved out. In his defense, Buck didn’t either. That was all it took for them to realize that what they felt for each other was decidedly not platonic.
Buck still had his apartment, just as a semblance of being adults about things and not moving too fast, but he spent most nights with Eddie and Chris.
Chris was the most complicated part of the whole Buck-and-Eddie-becoming-more-than-friends-without-anything-really-changing thing. Both Eddie and Buck had expected him to be ecstatic about the two of them dating, but he just… wasn’t.
At first, Eddie had thought it had something to do with the whole Kim situation. But he and Christopher had talked about it—had really hashed it out since Chris moved back from El Paso—and Eddie was sure it wasn’t that.
He had also thought that it might’ve been because he was gay, and Christopher wasn’t sure how that related to Shannon. They’d had a long talk on the night that Eddie came out to him about Shannon and what she meant to Eddie. He had loved her, he truly did. He just wasn’t in love with her. Chris had seemed to understand and Eddie was pretty positive that wasn't the issue either.
He could tell that something was bothering Chris, but Eddie wasn't sure what. He hated that his son wasn’t talking to him about it. Chris would always be his first priority, but Eddie couldn’t do anything to fix a problem that he wasn’t sure existed.
--
Chris had been tense all evening. Buck and Eddie had been too, before they resolved their argument.
They had just gotten off of a 24 and, though Buck was fine, he had stayed in a burning house to get out a child past Bobby’s evacuation order. It had all turned out okay. The kid got out safe, Buck didn’t have a scratch on him, but Eddie had been pissed.
Thankfully, that had been their last call of the day. After a chilly ride home, Buck and Eddie finally had it out in the kitchen. Eddie just tried to fucking explain to Buck that he mattered and couldn’t just run into fire without thinking about the consequences. Buck shot back that he had been thinking about the kid, and what if they had been Christopher or Jee.
They fought, and they both cried a little. Voices were slightly raised; not really at each other, just at the situation. Eddie hadn’t really been mad, just worried. Buck knew that. They just had to work on communicating that to each other.
The argument wasn’t the issue. The problem was that Chris came home in the middle of it.
Eddie had thought that Christopher was at a friend’s house, studying for a science test and playing video games. He hadn’t checked his phone to see Chris’ text that he was coming home early.
Buck and Eddie had agreed that they would never argue in front of Chris. The argument hadn’t even been a fight, more like a heated discussion, but apparently their voices had been loud enough to carry from the kitchen to the entryway.
Chris had closed the door and neither Buck or Eddie heard him. It wasn’t until they heard the rhythmic clack of his crutches that they realized he was home. Eddie stopped talking immediately when he saw the expression on Chris’ face.
Chris continued down the hall without saying anything and slammed his bedroom door. Eddie and Buck just looked at each other.
The argument was forgotten. Chris’ arrival had brought them a dose of reality that they had been missing.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie whispered, pulling Buck into a hug. “I trust you, I just want you to come home to me.”
Buck buried his head in Eddie’s shoulder. “I know. I’m sorry, too, Eds. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Eddie pressed a gentle kiss to Buck’s birthmark. “I should go check on him. I love you.”
Buck smiled at him, looking beautiful despite his red, puffy eyes. “I love you, too.”
Eddie rapped lightly on Chris’ door. Chris gave a faint grunt that Eddie took to mean he could come in. His son was sitting at his desk with his headphones on, some video game pulled up on his computer.
“Look, Chris.” Eddie sat on the bed next to Chris’ desk. “I’m sorry, Buck and I didn’t realize you were coming home. We didn’t want you to hear us arguing.”
Chris didn’t even look at him, just kept clicking rapidly with his mouse.
“Everything’s fine, by the way. No one’s mad. It’s normal for couples to-”
“I’m fine, dad.” Chris still didn’t look up from his screen. His tone was even and bland. “Can you just leave me alone?”
Eddie watched him for a minute more before ruffling his hair on his way out the door. “Sure, mijo. Sorry.” As Eddie closed Chris’ door, he noted the line of tension in his son’s shoulders and the too-loud way he typed at the keyboard.
Eddie had no idea what to do.
--
It all came to a head at dinner that night. Buck had tried out some new chicken dish that Eddie thought was really fucking good.
Chris had barely said a word the whole meal. He had picked at his chicken and blown off Buck and Eddie’s stilted attempts at conversation. There might as well have been steam coming out of the fourteen-year-old’s ears.
Buck set down his fork as he finished his meal. It was clear that they weren’t going to get anything more out of Chris.
“Hey, Chris,” Buck started. “I know your dad already talked to you about this, but I’m sorry that you heard us arguing. That’s not something you deserved to hear.”
Chris continued to shred his chicken silently.
“Christopher,” Eddie said. “Is something bothering you? You can talk to us.”
Christopher finally looked up with a blank look on his face. “There’s nothing wrong.”
“Are you sure? You’ve been acting weird for weeks now and I want to make sure you’re okay. You can tell us anything.”
The moment seemed to still, like a calm before the storm.
It was as if a dam broke. Everything Christopher had been keeping bottled up came rushing out in crashing waves. He stood up from his chair with a loud screech against the tile and braced his hands on the table. “You know what? No! Everything’s not okay. I’m fucking- I’m mad at you. At you both.”
Eddie was taken aback and he saw Buck flinch in his peripheral vision. He had never seen his son go from 0-100 so fast. Christopher was practically yelling, and he never cursed like that.
“I don’t- I hate this! I hate that you’re together. I hate that you’re fighting. I hate that everything is fucking changing. I- I wish that you had never even started dating in the first place. I want things to go back to the way they were.” Christopher was out of breath like he had run a marathon. Without another word, he grabbed his crutches that were leaning against the table and, for the second time that day, Eddie heard his bedroom door slam shut.
Time seemed to slow. Eddie had no idea what to do. The two men sat at the kitchen table for who knew how long before Buck turned to look at Eddie with tears shining in his eyes.
“I- I should probably go,” he whispered, his voice shaky.
It took Buck getting up and going to gather his keys before Eddie’s brain finally kicked back on.
“Buck, don't.” Eddie’s voice was rough as he darted his hand out to catch his boyfriend’s wrist.
“You should go talk to him,” Buck said quietly. He shook free of Eddie’s grip and went back into the kitchen. Eddie stayed standing in the doorway even when he heard the water running from the faucet and the sound of dishes clinking together.
He just stood, caught in the middle of his boyfriend and his son, frozen.
Eddie had no idea what to even say to Christopher. He had expected Chris to have reservations about everything, but not specifically about the fact that he was dating Buck. In fact, he had thought that would be the easiest part for Chris to accept.
Eddie blinked for a few moments before robotically walking down the hallway to Christopher’s room for a second time that night. He knocked on the door quickly, but Christopher made no response. He knocked again, louder this time. Still nothing.
Eddie knocked once more and called Chris’ name. Eddie heard a sigh from inside the room.
“Go away,” Chris yelled.
Eddie pressed his forehead against the door and let out a deep breath. “Chris, can we just talk about this?”
“I’m not talking anymore. I already said everything. Just go away.”
Eddie’s hand fell away from the door. Chris was upset, but he was also being honest. Eddie could hear it in his voice. He backed away from the door and walked slowly into the kitchen.
Buck didn't hear him come in. He was standing in front of the sink, water running and dish in hand, but he wasn’t actually washing dishes. He just stood, his chest rising and falling like he was taking deep breaths.
Eddie walked in. “Buck?”
Buck startled and turned around to face Eddie. “Eddie. Are you okay?”
Eddie didn’t know what to say. The last time he had seen Chris act anything like this was during the Kim situation. “I don’t know. I had no idea he felt like that.”
Buck sighed. He looked wrecked, tear tracks streaming down his cheeks. “What do we do, Eddie?”
Eddie rubbed a hand over his face, screwing his mouth to the side to try and keep tears from falling. “I think he really meant it,” he whispered, solemn.
Buck’s face fell. “I do, too.”
“I mean, he’s a teenager. And I promised that I would listen to him about this stuff, especially after Kim. He gets a say.” Eddie wanted to throw up. He hated every word that was coming out of his mouth.
“I know.”
“He’s my first priority.”
“He’s mine, too.”
Eddie’s voice broke. “I love you. I don’t want this to be it.”
Tears started streaming down Buck’s face in earnest. He reached for Eddie and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. “I don’t, either.” He buried his face against Eddie’s neck, breathing him in with a shaky inhale.
“This isn’t fair.”
“It wouldn’t be fair to Chris if we-” Buck couldn’t finish his sentence.
“I know, but- God, I wanted this so bad.”
“Yeah, me too.” Buck swallowed. “I love you, Eddie.” The words were final. Definitive.
Eddie felt the tears fall down his cheeks. “I love you, Buck.”
He leaned in for a kiss. Their last kiss. Eddie had often thought that Buck kissed like it was their last. He had been wrong. This was completely different from any other kiss they had shared. This was salty and sober and terrible yet so good. It was Buck, it always was.
It was over too soon. Buck pulled away with a string of spit trailing their mouths together. “I guess this is it.”
Eddie pressed his head against Buck’s collarbone. His spot. “I guess it is.
“I hate this.” Buck held back a sob. Eddie could feel it. His hand came up to cup the back of Eddie’s neck.
“It’s for Christopher.”
Buck nodded. That was one thing they would always agree on. Chris came first.
No more words were exchanged as Buck gathered his keys and shoes and walked out the door. Eddie watched him like a person watched a car crash in slow motion. Inevitable, destructive, no way to stop it.
“Still best friends?” Buck’s voice asked hesitantly, sticking his pinky out with a trembling hand.
Eddie let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob. “Still best friends. I’ve got your back, Buck.”
They linked pinkies and held on for longer than they should’ve, but Eddie couldn't let go. Eventually they had to, though. Buck looked back as he closed the door. Eddie held his gaze until he physically couldn’t.
Eddie heard the sound of a car starting and pulling out of the driveway, a piece of his heart going with it. He willed Buck to stay but the outcome didn’t change.
Eddie held it together until Buck’s car drove away. Unable to stand anymore, he dropped to his knees, sobs wracking his body until he was heaving. Distantly, he hoped that Chris couldn’t hear him.
Eddie had felt empty before. He had felt loss. He had known loneliness more intimately than he had known another living person until he met Buck.
But something about this felt different. Oddly final. Maybe because every part of it was a choice he and Buck were consciously making. Maybe it was the knowledge that it didn’t have to go this way. That it could’ve lasted forever. That it should’ve.
Eddie vaguely had the thought that he should call someone to come get Christopher. That he shouldn’t be alone with his son while he was falling apart. But the only person he could think to call was the one person he couldn’t.
The thought sent Eddie spiraling. The only coherent thought he had was, this isn’t fair.
--
The next two days were awful. Christopher stayed in his room unless he was grabbing food or going to the bathroom. The fight had been on a Saturday, so Eddie had let him get away with it for the rest of the weekend. Besides, as much as he hated to admit it, Chris being in his room gave Eddie more room to grieve his and Buck’s relationship.
Chris continued ignoring Eddie on the way to school on Monday, but he had hoped Christopher would cool off during the school day. Eddie was wrong; the silence in the car was palpable as Christopher got into the car in the school pick up line.
Eddie knew that Chris knew something had happened between him and Buck. He just couldn’t bring himself to say the words. It was hard enough for Eddie to drag himself out of bed each morning. If Eddie had to say the words Buck and I broke up out loud, he was going to lose it.
So, they danced around it. Neither of them said anything more than a couple words to the other.
Eddie knew it wasn’t healthy. He didn’t want to go back to that noncommunicative space they were in right after Kim. He wouldn’t let it. He just needed a few more days to grieve first. He and Buck had agreed to go back to normal as soon as they could. Eddie just wasn’t there yet.
He had debated calling out of work for their next shift, less than 48 hours after the break up. But Eddie couldn’t avoid Buck forever. He wouldn’t even want to. He loved Buck enough that he would take whatever he could get, even when that was holding him at arms length for the rest of his life.
Eddie didn’t know whether it was worse to know what it was like to have Buck wholly and lose it, or never have him at all. He couldn’t think about it or he’d have a panic attack. All of the options sounded like hell. All he wanted was to keep Buck forever.
Driving to work was awful. Eddie missed watching Buck from the passenger seat, picking up overpriced coffee and dancing to whatever pop playlist he insisted on playing.
He just missed Buck.
He pulled into his normal spot, the used truck he and Buck had picked out together next to Buck’s Jeep.
Eddie walked into the bay knowing he looked like shit. His eyes were permanently red and he had eye bags to rival his Abuela’s purse.
He let the comforting atmosphere of the firehouse envelop him, nevermind that every corner of it was associated with Buck.
“Eddie,” Chimney caught up with him easily, smacking his gum like he always did. “I can’t help but notice you and Buck drove separately today. He’s been in the gym for two hours and won’t talk about anything. Trouble in paradise?”
Eddie knew Chim was joking. He probably thought that he and Buck were just in a simple spat, maybe even about Buck’s stunt the shift before. That felt like eons ago after all that had happened.
Eddie glanced back at Buck who was indeed in the gym. He had a barbell with what Eddie knew to be almost double his weight and he looked sinfully good. He looked back to Chimney and decided to just bite the bullet. They’d have to tell the team eventually, anyway.
“You could say that.” He clenched down on the strap of the duffle bag, knuckles white with the strain. “We broke up.”
“You what?” Chimney gaped at him.
Buck had just racked the barbell and was staring at Eddie with a look on his face that Eddie was too far away to decipher.
Chimney looked between the two. “That- that’s not funny, Eddie. Don’t joke about that.”
Eddie had to bite back tears. He was not going to cry before his shift even officially started.
“It’s not a joke,” he said quietly.
Chimney stopped walking while Eddie kept moving toward the locker room. “Eddie, be serious. You’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m not, Chim.” Eddie finally snapped, turning around. Why was Chimney making him say it more than once? “We fucking broke up, okay? I don’t know what else you want me to say.”
It was as if the entire firehouse paused. Eddie fisted a hand in his hair. He had said that way louder than he had meant to. He just had wanted Chimney to stop fucking asking.
Chim was still staring at him like Eddie had been speaking in French. Hen stopped walking in the middle of the staircase. Ravi dropped the bag he had been holding. Bobby paused his rhythmic chopping from where he was making breakfast in the loft.
Eyes were staring at him from all over the firehouse. The only gaze that Eddie met was Buck’s, all the way from the gym. Grief was laid out plainly on his face in the way that was also reflected on Eddie’s.
No one said anything for a long time. Eventually, Bobby restarted chopping, Ravi picked up his bag, and Hen began walking back up the stairs. Chimney’s face hadn’t changed, still gaping at Eddie like a fucking fish.
Eddie scoffed, shouldered his bag, and made his way into the locker room, ignoring the heat of Buck’s stare on his back.
--
After breakfast, Bobby pulled Buck and Eddie into his office. No one had asked anything about the break up. Eddie could tell they wanted to, though. They were probably just doing it as a kindness. Maybe they could sense just how raw it was only two days later.
Buck and Eddie sat in identical chairs beside each other across from Bobby at his desk.
“I’m sorry, boys,” Bobby started. “You don’t have to tell us anything. This is a personal matter and we’ll respect your privacy if you choose not to share it with us.
“As your friend, I want to tell you that I’m always here if you need support. I hate to see either of you hurting and I want to help you through this in any way I can. That being said, there are a few things I have to go over as your captain.”
Eddie sighed. The HR paperwork they filled out when they got together had been such a pain in the ass. He couldn’t imagine what they’d have to do now.
It also didn’t help that Buck was sitting closer to him than he had been in days. Eddie could feel his body heat from next to him and all he wanted to do was reach out and touch,
“I trust that you won’t let this affect your work. If one or both of you are unable to do this job effectively now that you are separated, you will need to let me know and I can move one of you to B-shift.”
Buck stiffened in his chair. “I- I think we’ll be fine, Cap.”
Eddie just nodded his agreement, not trusting his voice.
“Alright. Then, let me just pull up this paperwork for you to sign confirming that your relationship has been terminated under consensual terms and not due to coercion from the department and/or coworkers. You’ll also need to sign a release that states you won’t let interpersonal relationships affect you on the job.”
Eddie’s hand shook as he signed the paper. It made everything feel more official, that he and Buck were actually broken up. It felt like signing his own death certificate. Or divorce papers.
They filed out of the office in silence. Buck went to start working on his chores, leaving Eddie to watch him from the loft.
Hen came up behind him, setting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You okay, Eddie?” she asked.
Eddie’s eyes tracked Buck as he moved around downstairs. “No,” he answered honestly, his voice hoarse.
Hen didn’t press. Eddie was grateful. Nothing she could’ve said would’ve helped.
The rest of shift went by as normally as possible. Buck and Eddie worked together as seamlessly as they always did. That almost hurt worse that it would’ve if things had been off and awkward. At least then something would have changed. Now it just felt like the world was going on around him while Eddie had a gaping hole in his chest, blood pouring out and creating stains only he could see.
They were nearing the end of their shift when they got a call from a distressed hiker. Two college students had been hiking when one of them tripped and fell down the side of a cliff. It wasn’t a terribly far fall, and the hiker had survived, but there was no easy path to get down to him.
Bobby put Buck and Eddie on ropes while Hen and Chimney started setting up for when the hiker was retrieved.
Eddie wordlessly handed Buck the harness. He had been restless all shift and Eddie knew that the action would give him something to take his mind off of everything. Eddie triple checked the straps on Buck’s harness, same as he always did.
“You’re good,” Eddie said quietly, pulling on one of Buck’s straps for the final time.
“Thanks, Eds.”
Eddie let down the rope, seamlessly communicating with Buck. They both knew what every tug of the rope meant and how to anticipate each other’s needs on a call.
The radios crackled as Buck started to speak. “Located the hiker. He’s stuck in some thorny brush. Working to get him out now.”
“Copy that, Buckley,” Bobby replied. “Call for help if you need it.”
Eddie started reeling the rope back in as soon as he saw the two pulls on the rope that meant Buck was ready to come back up.
Once they reached the rest of the crew, Hen and Chimney went to assist the lost hiker while Eddie went to check on Buck.
“You okay?” He asked, looking Buck over. He had a small cut on his face, presumably from the thorns. It wasn’t bad, but Eddie could see that it was bleeding slightly.
“I’m fine, Eddie,” Buck argued.
Eddie wasn’t listening. He guided Buck to sit on a rock before he went to get a first aid kit.
“Did it get you anywhere else?” he asked quietly as he gently cleaned Buck’s cheek.
Buck just shook his head.
Eddie held his breath as he placed a butterfly bandage over the cut. His face was inches away from Buck’s. He smoothed out the bandage before dropping his hand down to his side. It would be so easy to lean forward and kiss Buck, but Eddie knew he couldn’t.
“Eddie.”
The simple word was enough to snap him out of the trance he was in.
“Sorry,” Eddie said gruffly.
“Don’t apologize. Thanks- um, thanks for taking care of me.”
“I always will. You know that.”
The rest of the call finished up pretty quickly after that. They got back in the engine, Buck and Eddie taking their normal spots across from each other, their feet aligned like a zipper.
It felt so normal Eddie wanted to scream.
—
Eddie unlocked his front door and dropped his duffle bag with a thud. That shift had been exhausting. Nothing had really happened, just a few low intensity calls. None of them took his mind off of Buck.
Eddie was grateful that Carla had taken Christopher to school that morning. He was so drained and, honestly, really fucking sad. He missed Buck like a missing limb—no, like a vital organ. It felt like Eddie’s heart had been beating off rhythm since the moment that Buck closed the door and drove away.
Eddie didn’t bother picking up his bag or putting his shoes in the shoe rack that Buck had insisted he buy. He just made his way down the hallway to his bed. The one he used to share with Buck. The one with sheets that still smelled like Buck because Eddie couldn’t bring himself to change them.
As soon as his head hit the pillow, tears welled up in Eddie’s eyes. This time, he didn’t try to stop them. Eddie had been fighting tears all day, but he wouldn’t let himself cry at work. He felt like all he’d done from the time Buck walked out that door to the time he walked into the firehouse for his shift was either cry or feel so numb that he couldn’t fathom doing anything at all.
He’d been living on autopilot, doing the bare minimum for his own needs and instead focusing on Christopher—not that his son was speaking to him.
Eddie finally let himself fully break down for the first time since Buck drove away now that Chris wasn’t home. He missed Buck desperately. He hadn’t expected it to hurt like this; it wasn’t like Buck had died.
Eddie woke up a few hours later with red, puffy eyes and a sore throat from his sobs. He showered and got ready to pick up Chris with a mechanical precision, every movement forced. He hated to say it, but he was dreading seeing Christopher. He knew it was time to talk about it but Eddie had no idea what to say.
He didn’t want to make Christopher feel like it was his fault that Eddie was struggling so much. Chris had full rights to be upset seeing his dad start dating again, especially after what had made him flee to El Paso.
Eddie wanted his son to grow up in a house where his opinions were valued. Christopher had been loud and clear about what he thought about Eddie and Buck’s relationship. Eddie wanted to respect that. He also wanted his son to have a different opinion.
But Chris didn’t. Chris didn’t want Eddie and Buck to be together. He had been very clear about that. As much as Eddie hated it, his son would always come first. So, he got in the car line and waited.
Eddie had psyched himself up for the conversation. He was going to talk to Christopher and hear him out, hopefully with less yelling and cursing. He’d explain his side of the story, and apologize.
The door opened and Chris got into the passenger seat of Eddie’s stupid fucking truck that reminded him of Buck.
“Hey, Chris. How was your day?” Eddie thought he did a valiant job at sounding normal and not totally despaired.
Chris grunted, not even looking in Eddie’s direction. He put his headphones in without a word and started messing around on his phone.
Eddie swallowed the words he hadn’t been fully convinced he’d be able to say. He tried not to be glad that the conversation was put off for at least the car ride home. He’d talk to Chris eventually. Besides, maybe Eddie wasn’t the only one who wasn’t ready for this conversation.
--
The next day was a carbon copy of all the days before. Eddie woke up with puffy eyes and a headache in just enough time to get Chris up for school. Chris said nothing to him unless he absolutely had to and scrolled on his phone on the way to school.
After Eddie dropped Chris off, he sat on the couch and scrolled through old text messages between him and Buck. It hurt but Eddie couldn’t stop himself. He missed Buck desperately. Even before they started dating they talked regularly, but now they were barely talking at all.
Things had gotten slightly better after their shift. Instead of total radio silence they started exchanging innocent texts back and forth, mostly just updates about whether Chris was talking yet.
At some point during the day Eddie finally got up and did laundry. He still felt more like a phantom floating around his house rather than an actual person. Eddie didn’t know when he would stop feeling numb but it clearly wasn’t going to be anytime soon.
A timer went off on his phone to remind him to go pick up Christopher. Eddie drove to the school with one of Buck’s playlists in the background.
Chris still didn't say anything once he got in the car. At least, until Buck’s text came through.
The message popped up on the screen of Eddie’s truck from Buck ❤️. “How’s Chris doing?” the robotic voice said over the truck’s speakers. “Any change?”
They were sitting at a stop sign so Eddie could see the way Chris’ head shot up. “You and Buck are still texting?” His brow was furrowed in confusion. “About me?”
Eddie looked over to his son. “We do text sometimes,” he said cautiously. “He’s just worried about you, Chris.”
Chris looked away. “I thought you guys broke up,” he muttered, staring out the window.
Eddie sucked in a sharp breath. “We did.”
“So why is he texting you about me? And why does he still have a heart emoji next to his name?”
Eddie took a deep breath as he pulled onto South Bedford Street. He didn’t know what to say but he knew that it was time to say something.
Eddie still hadn’t responded as he parked in the driveway. Chris moved to get out but Eddie locked the door before he could.
“Dad, what?” Christopher glared at him indignantly.
“I’m not trapping you, Chris. I just need to talk to you. We can do that in the car or in the house, your choice.”
Chris huffed and shouldered his back pack but nodded. “We can go inside.”
Eddie unlocked the door and followed his son inside the house, feeling a lot more awkward than he should.
Chris dropped his bag, toed off his shoes, and turned to face Eddie impatiently.
Eddie set the keys down just to buy more time. “Let’s sit.” He let Chris decide whether that would be in the living room or kitchen.
Chris started walking toward the couch so Eddie did too, taking a seat on the coffee table across from his son.
They sat in silence for a moment before Chris sighed and leaned back. “So? If you want to talk, Dad, then talk.”
Eddie rubbed a hand over his face. “Okay, Chris. You’re right. Buck and I broke up. We didn’t realize that you didn’t like our relationship, and you have a say in this.”
Chris didn’t respond. He just looked down at his hands.
“Mijo, I want you to know that I’m not mad at you, and neither is Buck. We don’t blame you. We just wish you had said something sooner.”
Eddie cut himself off with a sniffle. He screwed up his face so his tears didn’t fall. Finally, Chris looked up.
“Is Buck gone?” Chris asked quietly.
“What?”
“You guys broke up so he’s, like, not going to come around anymore, right?”
Heartbreak was plain on Chris’ face. Eddie instantly shot a hand out to cup his face.
“No, Chris,” Eddie replied fervently. “No. Buck’s still going to come around, okay? Your relationship with him is entirely separate from mine. He’s not leaving you, bud. He’s not leaving either of us.”
Chris looked up. His eyes were filled with tears and Eddie's heart shattered in his chest.“But you aren’t together anymore.”
Eddie rubbed a thumb over Chris’ cheek. “That’s irrelevant. Buck isn’t leaving anytime soon.”
Even though Chris would say he was too old for it, Eddie leaned forward to place a kiss on his forehead. “I love you, Christopher. And so does Buck. That will never change.”
Chris only tolerated it for a second. “Are we done, Dad?”
Eddie let him go. He wasn’t sure that the conversation was actually over but he was drained and Chris was clearly not in the mood so he put a pin in it. “Sure. Do your homework first.”
“Okay, sure,” Chris called as he walked down the hallway.
Eddie just dropped his head between his shoulders and ran a hand through his hair. God, he missed Buck.
--
Everything continued to suck for the next week. Eddie felt like he was walking around in some sort of fog set off by Buck’s absence. Eventually, though, some light started peeking through,
Buck and Eddie started texting more. Sometimes it hurt, but it would take more than a devastating break up to keep Buck and Eddie apart forever. Eddie was willing to endure the stabbing he felt in his chest as long as Buck kept texting him about the squirrel feeder he had set up in his backyard.
Things started getting better with Christopher, too. He stopped spending as much time in his room and he started talking to Eddie more than necessary. He would actually tell Eddie about his day instead of wordlessly grunting when Eddie asked.
Things were the same at work but only because Buck and Eddie hadn’t really let anything change. At the firehouse they had always been buckandeddie, regardless of relationship status.
Things were so normal, in fact, that Buck was coming over for dinner.
Eddie had no idea how to feel about that. Part of him was ecstatic that Buck was finally coming back home, but the other hurt and defensive part of him didn’t know how to only let Buck in halfway.
Eddie’s personal feelings aside, he did think it would be good to show Christopher that Buck wasn’t leaving.
Buck showed up outside Eddie’s door looking as beautiful as he always did. His hair curled messily over his forehead and his pink birthmark stood out against his skin. He was holding a box of cookies and Eddie wanted to kiss him so bad it hurt.
“Hey,” Eddie said finally, shaking himself out of whatever trance Buck had put him in.
“Hey.” Buck shifted from foot to foot awkwardly. “Sorry, I wasn’t sure if it would be weird to use my key.”
Eddie stepped to the side to let Buck in. “You can always use your key, Buck.” Eddie didn’t want to think about how that made him feel. About how wrong all of this felt.
Dinner was both better and worse than Eddie expected. It was awkward—he and Buck didn’t quite know how to act around each other and Chris was in a weird mood—but it was also good. Having Buck back in Eddie’s space felt incredible.
Buck and Eddie did the dishes side by side and Eddie let Buck ramble on about some aquatic species he had researched the day before. It felt so achingly normal that Eddie almost kissed Buck, his breath catching when he realized he couldn’t anymore.
Buck didn’t stay to have a beer and Eddie was grateful. It felt fucking fantastic to be around his best friend again but Eddie didn’t know how much longer he could be around his ex-boyfriend. His patience was wearing thin and he could feel the tears pricking at the back of his eyes.
Buck went down the hallway to say goodbye to Chris before he left and Eddie didn't watch. Seeing the care Buck took with his son had always made Eddie feel the most in love and he couldn’t bear to see it now.
Buck walked back into the living room with a look on his face that Eddie was too exhausted to try and decipher.
“Thanks for having me over,” Buck said awkwardly.
Eddie stood up from the couch. “Of course, Buck. You don’t have to thank me for that.”
Buck looked between the door and Eddie a few times before settling somewhere near Eddie’s head. “This was really nice.” His voice was quiet.
“It was,” Eddie offered, matching his volume. “I missed you.”
Buck’s face sort of crumpled and Eddie would’ve felt bad if he wasn't fighting off tears himself.
“I missed you too, Eds,” Buck whispered.
They stared at each other for a moment, eye contact charged with the weight of everything they were missing
“I better go,” Buck finally spoke into the quiet.
Eddie walked him to the front door silently. Buck turned around just before he stepped off the porch. “Good night, Eddie,” he said, impossibly soft.
“Night, Buck.” Eddie shut the front door behind him once Buck got into the Jeep and just felt wrong. Buck shouldn’t be leaving. Buck should be on the couch, next to Eddie, a beer in hand. Buck should be staying the night, cuddling with his boyfriend before going to sleep.
But he wasn’t. Because they weren’t dating anymore and Eddie had to figure out how to be okay with that.
He wasn’t, but he could try. For Christopher.
Eddie just wished that he could still tell Buck that he loved him.
--
Things between Buck and Eddie got better as the weeks passed. Seeing each other outside of the firehouse for the first time had broken some kind of ice and allowed them to get parts of their friendship back. They had hung out a few more times and each time was progressively more normal. Well, their old normal.
Things also continued to improve with Christopher. Buck had been able to spend some one-on-one time with him one day when Eddie had picked up an extra shift. Eddie didn’t know what they had talked about, but Christopher had seemed lighter when Eddie came home the next morning so he let it just belong to Buck and Chris.
Eddie had invited Buck over for movie night during their most recent shift. He figured it was about time they got back to one of his favorite Buckley-Diaz traditions, even though it wouldn’t be the same as it had been a month ago.
But the movie tradition had existed long before Buck and Eddie were an item and Eddie would be damned if it didn’t exist after. Curling up on the couch with his son and his best friend was one of Eddie’s favorite ways to spend an evening.
So, Eddie had been cleaning all day while Chris was at school. It was more to calm his nerves than anything—God knows Eddie didn’t care about Buck seeing the state of the house; they had patched his walls together.
A wrench was thrown into Eddie’s plans, however, an hour before Buck was set to come over. Christopher sat at the table, puppy eyes turned up to the max, begging to go to his best friend Andrew’s house for a sleepover that night.
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for movie night? We haven’t had one in a while,” Eddie reasoned.
Chris held firm, though. “I don’t feel like being your buffer tonight, Dad.”
Eddie spluttered. “You- I’m not using you as a buffer.” He crossed his arms to try and get his point across, but he could tell Chris wasn’t falling for it. He was absolutely using his son as a buffer.
Chris didn’t even deem that worthy of a response. He typed around on his phone for a minute before looking back up at Eddie. “Andrew said to be there before 6.”
Eddie sighed. “Get your stuff. I’ll drop you off.”
That was how Eddie ended up alone in his house, Netflix queued up on the TV, takeout menus laid out on the coffee table, and his heart hammering in his chest.
He and Buck hadn’t spent time alone together since before the breakup. Eddie had no idea how he was supposed to pretend that he wasn’t still utterly in love with the man when he had no one to pretend in front of. How was he supposed to hold himself back from the man that would be sitting a foot away from him on the couch?
Eddie didn’t have enough time to come up with an answer before a knock sounded on the door. He asked himself why he hadn’t just cancelled as he walked to answer it, but Eddie knew it was because Buck had seemed so excited about the idea when Eddie asked him. They hadn’t done anything like this in a while and if Buck missed hanging out like this as much as Eddie did, then cancelling had never really been an option.
“Hey,” Eddie said, trying to ignore how his heart was fighting against the hold of his ribs.
Buck smiled, less open and carefree than it had been before he walked out of Eddie’s door. “Hi.”
They sat on the couch gingerly with an awkward amount of space between them. Eddie didn’t think they’d sat that far apart since the first time Buck had been invited over almost eight years ago.
“Where’s Chris?” Buck asked after a moment.
Eddie cleared his throat and shuffled through the menus, hesitant to see what Buck would think. “He’s at a sleepover tonight. Last minute plans.” Damn Christopher and his more active social life than Eddie’s.
“Oh.” A conflicted look flashed over Buck’s face. “That’s- um,” he coughed. “At Andrew’s?”
Eddie nodded. “Got it in one.”
They stared at each other awkwardly and Eddie hated every second of it. Things had always been so natural with Buck, the fact that they weren’t anymore was like a knife straight to the gut.
God, how had they let things get this bad? Eddie should’ve known nothing as good as Buck would last.
“So,” he finally said. “Dinner?”
It almost felt normal as Buck and Eddie ate dinner on the couch and watched some documentary that Buck had suggested.
Eddie was trying to watch the screen, he really was. Buck had seemed excited about it and Eddie wanted to be able to talk to him about it after. But it was hard to tear his eyes away.
Buck was just—he was beautiful. Eddie had no other words to describe him. His eyes were shockingly blue and Eddie wanted to drown in them. He wanted to trace the shape of Buck's perfect nose. He wanted to get his hands in Buck's unruly curls and tug, just slightly, until Buck eyes were trained on him.
He couldn't, though. Eddie just sat on his hands and timed every glance to his side so he never stared too long.
Eddie felt like he was buzzing by the time the documentary finished. Buck turned toward him with a gleam in his eyes as soon as the credits started rolling and began talking so fast Eddie could barely keep up.
Listening to Buck was one of his favorite things. Eddie wanted to record Buck's voice and listen to it like a podcast. He would never tired of hearing him rant about things he was interested in, things he was frustrated about, things that he wanted to know and understand.
It all came to a head when Buck started talking about whale sharks and their eating habits. Eddie wasn't even entirely sure how it was relevant to their original topic but it didn't matter to him; he loved how Buck's brain worked.
Overcome with fondness for the man in front of him and slightly delirious at the proximity, Eddie leaned in and kissed him.
It was short. Eddie pulled back and knew that he had just fucked up but, after a moment of looking at Eddie quizzically, Buck leaned in and kissed him back and every thought about the right and wrong thing to do suddenly flew out the window.
Kissing Buck was heaven. Eddie licked into his mouth and thought that was what ambrosia must taste like. How he had gone without this for weeks, Eddie had no idea. Kissing Buck was like a drug and it was a high he never wanted to come down from.
Buck's hands squeezed Eddie's waist and Eddie let out a soft moan into Buck's mouth. God, he had missed Buck's hands. Eddie never felt more anchored in his body than when Buck was touching him.
Buck deepened the kiss as Eddie threaded one hand through his hand, the other coming up to grip Buck's bicep. Eddie came up for air, gasping, then dove right back in, pushing Buck back to lean against the arm of the couch. Buck went easily, making room for Eddie between the cradle of his thighs.
Eddie felt like flying. He hadn't known if he would ever get to touch Buck again like this, but he was beyond thankful that he was now. All rational thought had fled the scene the second his lips had touched Buck's, but Eddie couldn't care less.
Eddie could feel Buck growing hard beneath him and rolled his hips into him. Buck let out a punched out groan into Eddie's mouth and reached down to pull him further into his body, meeting each of Eddie's movements easily.
Eddie hadn't felt this good in weeks. Every one of his senses was overloaded with Buck. Buck's hands roaming over every inch of his body, Buck's sounds filling his ears, Buck's taste on his tongue, Buck's scent enveloping him entirely.
Eddie could feel his movements growing sloppier, his hips moving of their own accord. He and Buck were barely kissing anymore, just breathing into each other's mouths. He heard the hitch in Buck's breath that meant he was teetering on the edge before suddenly all Eddie felt was cold.
Buck shoved Eddie to the other side of the couch, just enough force to move him without hurting him. They were both panting like they had run a marathon and Eddie's hands felt empty at the unexpected rejection.
"Fuck, Eddie," Buck breathed, ragged. "We can't." He drew his knees up to his chest and leaned his forehead against them.
Eddie just watched from the other side of the couch. His heart was still pounding and his head was spinning. What had he just done?
"Buck…"
"God, Eds." Buck tilted his head up to meet Eddie's eyes. He looked utterly wrecked, his hair frizzy and his birthmark flushed dark red. "That was a mistake."
Eddie nodded his agreement, trying to keep his emotions at bay. Logically he knew that, but the rejection still hurt. Eddie needed Buck desperately and having that ripped away almost hurt like a gaping wound in his chest.
"I- Eddie…"
Buck needed to stop saying his name like that. Eddie was about to do something stupid. Again.
"We can't."
Eddie swallowed. It was harder than it should've been. "I know."
"It- this has to be a clean break. I can't have some of you without having all of you. It'll destroy me." Buck's voice was painfully earnest.
As much as Eddie hated it, he knew it was true.
"I- I can't do the casual sex thing. Not with you. It hurts too bad."
"I know, Buck." Eddie's voice sounded wrong even to his own ears.
"Eddie." It was a low and almost pitiful sound.
Buck moved like he was about to reach for Eddie again.
"No, Buck, you're right. We can't. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me."
Buck sank back into the couch, a man defeated. "I should probably go."
Eddie didn't stop him. He couldn't. If he asked Buck to stay they'd end up falling into bed and Eddie didn't know how to reconcile that with being strictly Buck's best friend. As much as it hurt for Buck to leave now, it would hurt infinitely worse if he let him stay, only to kick him out in the morning. If Buck stayed for breakfast, Eddie would never be able to let him leave.
"Night, Eddie," Buck said once he gathered his keys and put on his shoes.
Eddie watched him pull open the door.
"Thanks, um- thanks for dinner."
"'Course, Buck. Anytime."
"Well, good night." Buck looked back as he walked onto the porch.
"Night." Eddie's voice was rough and he hated the sound.
Once again, Eddie listened to the start of Buck's car and felt Buck drive away. He let himself cry without shame, the tears dripping down his face while he sat on the couch, take out containers still on the coffee table.
Eddie laid down in the spot where Buck had been sitting and could still smell his scent left behind. He felt pathetic as he drifted off into a restless sleep and could only think that he was glad Christopher wasn't home to see him like this.
—
Eddie sat in the engine across from Buck, their legs zippered together like always. They were responding to a multi vehicle collision on the freeway.
Things had been… awkward between Buck and Eddie since Buck came over. It felt like some of their progress had walked out of Eddie's front door along with Buck. Not that Eddie was surprised after whatever the hell they had almost done.
It was hard to look at Buck. It was hard to look at him and see a person Eddie was only allowed to be friends with. His every effort was on schooling his feature so as not to look as desperately in love as he actually was.
Buck had been trying to joke around with him like normal, and Eddie was trying to do it back. It just wasn't working. The jokes were too forced, the laughter was too strained. Eddie looked at Buck and wanted him and couldn't have him. So it just was easier not to.
But they had to be normal at work. They had signed a fucking legally binding contract that said their interpersonal relationship would not affect their abilities to do their jobs.
Eddie was just exhausted. He missed Buck and he hated pretending to be okay and he felt guilty all the time. Guilty that he and Buck dating had unknowingly caused Christopher distress. Guilty that he and Chris still hadn't had a full, proper conversation about it. Guilty that he wanted Buck even though he couldn't have him anymore.
Eddie was just struggling. He wanted his boyfriend back but all that was left was his best friend. And, no matter how much Eddie loved best friend Buck—and he truly did love best friend Buck—he wasn't the same as boyfriend Buck. After having the latter, Eddie had to relearn to be okay with the former.
The call was routine. Eddie did what he needed to do and went where he was told. He triaged with Hen and extracted with Buck and let his training take over.
The crash scene started winding down and there were only as few people left with minor injuries. Eddie was doing a concussion check when he saw Buck escort a woman to the ambulance. Eddie kept one eye on the patient and one eye on Buck as Buck gave the woman a bandaid and talked to her for a moment. She laughed at something Buck said and put her hand on his bicep.
His patient cleared, Eddie went over to the ambulance. To check on Buck's patient, obviously.
"Need any help over here?" Eddie asked.
Buck looked over at him. "I think she's good. Nothing a butterfly bandage couldn't fix."
Eddie eyed the two of them warily. "You sure? No concussion check or anything?"
The woman smiled. "A paramedic already cleared me. Thanks, though."
Eddie went to respond but the woman had already turned her attention back towards Buck. "So," she continued, "there's that new coffee shop that I've been dying to try. Would you-"
"Buckley! Diaz! Load up, we're leaving," Chimney interrupted, yelling across the scene.
Buck quickly said good bye to the woman and started gathering the tools that cones that had been left out for traffic control.
"You know," Eddie said in the quiet after a minute. "She was asking you out."
Buck looked up at him as he leaned down to pick up the final cone. "Was she," he intoned dryly, and it wasn't really a question.
They were talking side by side. Their shoulders brushed with each step but neither of them stepped away. Energy fizzled at each contact but Eddie reveled in the contact, even when it stung.
Eddie continued on as if Buck hadn't said anything. "You could've said yes to her. Gone on a date."
A quick glance to Eddie's left found Buck's face painted with betrayal and anger. Eddie looked away as fast as he could and fiddled with his med bag.
"We're not together anymore" Eddie fought to keep his voice neutral. "You should get back out there." The words taste like acid as they left his mouth. He had no idea why he was telling Buck any of this. Eddie would rather die than watch Buck go on a date with someone else.
Buck scoffed. "What is this? Are you planning on 'getting back out there' anytime soon."
Eddie exhaled sharply through his nose. "No. You just shouldn't feel held back." The by me went unsaid, and Eddie hoped Buck didn't hear it.
"Eddie," Buck started stormily but they were approaching the fire engine and one look from Bobby silenced him.
"Get in the truck, boys," Bobby said in his captain voice.
No more words were exchanged as they settled into their usual seats, legs shoved together like zippers. Buck avoided Eddie's eye and Eddie didn't blame him. He'd avoid looking at himself, too, if he could.
—
Eddie left Christopher with a kiss on the head and went inside to grab the roll of paper towels Athena had asked for. It was Saturday and they were having a 118 family barbecue at Bobby and Athena's house.
Eddie went into the kitchen and was leaving with the paper towels in hand when he heard voices coming from the living room.
"So, tell me," it was Maddie's voice, Eddie recognized now. "How was last night? Where did you end up taking him?"
Buck voice came in response and Eddie was on high alert. What was Maddie talking about?
"It was good. We just went out for a couple drinks, nothing too fancy."
"And?"
"And what?"
"'It was good.' That's all I get? No details?"
"What do you want me to say, Maddie? It was objectively good. The conversation was easy and he seemed genuinely interested in me and we kissed at the end of the night but I hated it! I didn't want to be there. I felt like I was fucking cheating on Eddie."
The realization hit Eddie all at once. Buck had gone on a date. With someone else. Someone who wasn't Eddie. And they had kissed.
Eddie felt like he had just gotten shot. He wanted to double over and cry out in pain. His grip went slack and the roll of paper towels dropped out of his hands onto the floor. They hit the ground and rolled until they were out of Eddie's view.
He barely realized. Eddie felt like he was about to start hyperventilating. He only snapped out of it when Buck came into the kitchen, paper towels in hand.
"Think you dropped something" he said cheerfully until he laid eyes on Eddie. Then his face dropped. "Eddie."
They stared at each other for a long moment at an impasse. Eddie had no idea what to say and clearly Buck didn't either.
They stood for long enough that Maddie followed Buck into the kitchen. Her eyes widened when she the saw the two men standing across from each other like a tense facsimile of a staring contest.
Maddie gingerly grabbed the paper towels out of Buck's hands. "I'm going to take these outside. You two should talk." Eddie heard the back door close a few moments later and then he and Buck were alone.
Buck finally broke the silence. "How much of that did you hear?"
"Enough," Eddie replied gruffly. He hated how rough his voice was. How clearly it betrayed his heartbreak. "You went on a date."
Buck's eyes suddenly flashed. "Are you mad at me?" He laughed humorlessly. "Eddie, you literally told me to start dating again."
"I-" Eddie had no defense against that. He just hated feeling like Buck had scooped out his heart with a teaspoon.
"Eddie, do you think I wanted to go on that date? Hell, no! But you're right, we're not together anymore. You said that. So you don't get to be upset that I'm trying to go back to normal."
Eddie still didn't know what to say. "Buck, I didn't…"
"I know," Buck interrupted and his voice cracked with emotion. "I just- I hate it as much as you do. But if we're going to be friends, we have to just be friends. I can't be in this weird limbo forever, Eddie. Even if I want to. It's going to destroy me."
Was Eddie gasping for breath? It felt like it. The weight that had landed on his chest that second Buck walked out that door suddenly felt like it was two tons heavier.
He knew Buck was right. The rational, logical part of Eddie's brain could admit that Buck had a point. But the emotional, defensive part of Eddie's brain was screaming. He would wait in that limbo forever. The idea of moving on made Eddie want to throw up. The idea of meeting random guys for dates, maybe marrying one eventually, spending the rest of his life with someone who wasn't Buck filled Eddie with so much dread that he wasn't sure how he was still standing.
He didn't want to wish that upon Buck, but a small part of him did. Even if he and Buck couldn't be together anymore, maybe they could be together in this. In this internecine longing that would flay them both from the inside out. They'd both be bloody and bruised but at least they'd have matching wounds.
But no. Buck had already been on another date. And kissed someone else.
Eddie had to leave. He didn't want to blame Buck. He didn't want to yell and hurt him over the way he chose to deal with this awful situation.
So he passed Buck without a word on his way out of the kitchen. He gave his polite thanks to Athena and Bobby for hosting. He grabbed his son and quietly told him they were leaving. Christopher must've realized he was serious because he didn't put up any of his usual arguments.
The car ride home sucked. Eddie didn't say a word. All of his energy was focused on trying not to crash the car and trying not to let the tears fall.
They had almost pulled onto South Bedford Street when Chris finally spoke up. "Dad, are you okay?"
Eddie looked over at his son out of the corner of his eye. Chris was chewing on his cheek, a habit he'd picked up from Eddie.
He cleared his throat and tried his damnedest to sound normal. "Yeah, buddy. I'm fine."
Chris looked straight ahead out the windshield. "You seem sad."
Eddie blew out a breath. The tears really threatened to spill over this time.
"Did something happen?" His voice was small, younger than it had sounded in a while.
Eddie didn't look over at his son. "Everything's fine, Chris. Just… Buck had a date last night."
"Oh." Eddie couldn't parse through the emotions on Christopher's face. "Do you miss Buck?" he asked quietly.
Eddie pulled into the driveway and put the truck in park. "Buck comes over all the time," he answered. He knew he was avoiding the question but didn't think he could give Chris the honest response.
Chris didn't say anything as he got out of the truck and Eddie watched him trudge into the house. He stayed in the truck for a few minutes to let the tears fall before he wiped his face into neutrality. He could be strong for Christopher. He had to.
—
Eddie had just gotten off of a shift and he was exhausted. He'd worked a grueling 48, the first half with A shift, then filling in for someone on B shift. It was the kind of tired that crept into his bones and settled there. He dropped his duffle without ceremony once he stepped over the threshold of his house. It was the kind of shift that, before, Buck would've followed him home after. But things had been tense between them in the few days that followed their fight about Buck's date and they weren't quite at the stage of crashing on each other's couch after a shift, anyway.
Eddie dropped himself onto his bed like the weight of a stone in a still lake and took a nap before he went to get Christopher from school. Buck had been with him overnight while Eddie was still on shift and taken him to school that morning.
Christopher had been giving Eddie weird looks since the 118 family barbecue. Like he was trying to understand the full picture of a puzzle he only had a few pieces to. He couldn't quite read his son's face and Eddie didn't know what to make of it. Eddie thought about it until he eventually drifted off into a restless sleep.
Eddie woke up a couple hours later, the light drafting through the window and making patterns on the wall. Eddie hated waking up in the bed alone. He had gotten used to sharing with Buck while they had been dating and it had been one of his favorite parts. Falling asleep knowing someone else was there, waking with their legs tangled together, watching Buck's face lax with sleep every morning that Eddie woke up before him.
But Buck's side of the bed was cold. Eddie had woken up alone. Again. He swallowed the lump in his throat and went to make lunch.
Eddie did house work to fill the time before he had to go get Christopher. He did the dishes. Cleaned the counter tops. Mowed the lawn. Took a shower to wash off the sweat.
He felt like he had done at least something productive by the time he went to get Chris from school.
Eddie drove off once Chris got in the car. He could feel his son's eyes on him every time Chris looked up from his phone.
"You seem sad," Chris said after a while.
Eddie glanced over at him. "I'm just tired, bud."
"No, not, like, right now. I mean lately."
Eddie exhaled. He knew that he hadn't been doing a good job at hiding his heartbreak from Christopher, but it was different to hear it straight from his son's mouth.
"Is it because you and Buck broke up?" Chris asked when Eddie didn't answer right away.
Eddie didn't know what to say. He didn't want to lie to Chris—they had promised to be honest to each other after coming back from El Paso—but he also didn't want to make Chris feel guilty if he told the truth.
Eddie sighed before deciding to give Chris the truth. "Yeah. That's why."
Chris was quiet for a minute, thinking. Eddie was scared to look at his face. "Buck still comes around a lot," he offered quietly.
"He does." Eddie's grip tightened on the steering wheel.
"Buck talked to me about something when we had dinner last night." It seemed like a non sequitur but Eddie had learned from listening to Buck and Chris over the years that it was always somehow related in their brains.
"Oh yeah?"
"I told him I was glad that he was here and he said he would always be there for as long as I wanted him to be. And that it didn't matter if he never wanted to talk to you again, he would always answer my calls."
Eddie was not going to cry. But he wanted to. God, he missed Buck. What more could he want in a partner than someone who loved his son as much as Buck did? "I'm really glad that you have him, Chris." Eddie's voice valiantly did not shake.
Chris fell silent once again. Some inane pop song played on the speaker as Eddie continued to drive home.
"I didn't mean to make you sad."
Eddie's head whipped over to his son but Chris was looking resolutely out the window.
"Chris, you didn't-"
"No, Dad," Chris cut in. "I know that you and Buck have been sad now that you broke up. I didn't mean for that to happen. I was just scared…" he trailed off.
"Scared of what?" Eddie probed, not wasting an opportunity for his son to open up to him.
In a voice that seemed to come out of a child much younger than fourteen, Chris replied, "Everyone you date leaves."
Eddie's heart broke in half. He wasn't sure if he was still breathing. "Chris-" his voice cracked down the middle.
But Chris wasn't going to stop now. "And I know Buck isn't going to leave. I know that now. But I was just really scared that he was. I was scared that if you guys broke up then he would never come back. And I was really scared that you were going to break up because no one else has ever stayed. Not even Mom."
"Baby…" Eddie really wished this conversation wasn't happening in a car. Chris' voice was getting shaky and all he wanted was to give his son a hug.
"But now I know that Buck isn't going to leave. Because you guys broke up and he's still here. He still cooks us dinner and he still drives us to get ice cream and he still helps me with my homework. I was really scared that you and Buck dating was going to change everything, but it didn't. You and me and Buck isn't going to change just because you guys start dating. I understand that now."
Eddie waited a second to make sure that Chris was actually done. "Chris," he said. "I had no idea you felt like that. Buck and I never meant to make you scared or worried."
"I know, Dad." Chris was fidgeting with his hands in his lap. "I never told you."
They were stopped at a red light and Eddie reached to take Chris' hands. "You can always tell me anything, mijo. It doesn't matter what it is."
A tear slipped down Chris' cheek and Eddie could feel his own eyes welling up. "I'm really sorry that I made you sad, Dad."
That was it. Eddie pulled into a gas station so he could turn to fully face his son. "Chris. Baby. You don't have to apologize. I don't ever want to do anything that makes you feel like you did before. I'm glad that you told me."
Chris didn't look at him. "You were so happy, though. I feel like it was selfish."
Eddie grabbed Christopher's face between his hands. "Chris, look at me. You didn't make me and Buck do anything. Buck and I are adults. We made a choice to break up. You did not force us to do anything. Everything that has happened since then has been because of a choice we made, not because of anything you said. It's not your fault that I've been sad, and Buck doesn't think it is, either."
"Dad," Chris sobbed and Eddie instantly pulled him into his arms.
The console was digging into his ribs but Eddie didn't care. He would gladly take any amount of pain to hold his son like he was now. He just rubbed a hand over Chris' back and whispered comforting words into his hair.
Eddie didn't know how long he held Chris before his sobs subsided. His son leaned back with a tear stained face and Eddie wiped his cheeks like he did when Chris was little.
"Dad, I think you should date Buck again."
Eddie's breath stuttered. "What?"
"I think you should date Buck again. I was wrong. The whole reason I didn't like that you were together was because I was scared he would leave if you broke up. I know that's not going to happen now so I think you should date him again. You'll both be happier."
Hope bloomed in Eddie's chest. "Mijo, are you sure? I don't want to do something that makes you uncomfortable."
"It doesn't, Dad" Chris' nose scrunched up beneath his glasses. "I kind of liked having Buck around more often, anyway."
Eddie pressed a kiss to Chris' hair. "I- okay, Chris. Okay."
Chris pushed Eddie off. The emotionally vulnerable moment was over. "Okay, Dad." He wiped his eyes one last time and looked around the parking lot. Eddie saw the moment he realized they were outside of a 7-11. "Hey, can we get slushies?"
Eddie laughed and rubbed at his face. "You know what, Chris? Sure."
—
Eddie's heart was pounding in his chest. Whether it was nerves or anticipation he didn't know. Eddie was standing outside Buck's door with flowers held behind his back and smelling like his good cologne.
Eddie had planned to let his and Christopher's talk sit for a couple days before revisiting the whole dating-Buck-again thing, but Chris had brought it up again at dinner after Eddie's next shift. He had helped Eddie plan the date he would take Buck on and had even planned his own sleepover with Denny for the night.
Eddie took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Buck knew Eddie was coming over but didn't know the reason why.
Eddie could hear Buck bumbling around inside and had to stifle a fond smile before he finally came to the door. "Eddie, hey!" He was grinning until he finally processed Eddie's appearance—a nice button up and some slacks— and then his face dropped. "Wha-"
"Hey, Buck! Can I come in?" Eddie didn't wait for Buck's answer before pushing his way inside. Seeing Buck had settled inside Eddie his nervousness melted away. This was Buck, he had nothing to be nervous about. All that was left was excitement for finally having a chance to have Buck again.
"Uh, Eddie, what's happening?" Buck followed Eddie further into the house like a very confused puppy.
Eddie pulled out the flowers from behind his back. "These are for you."
Buck's face was still slack with shock but he still grabbed the flowers on autopilot. "Huh?"
Eddie grabbed a cup from Buck's cabinet and got some water before having a seat at his island. Now that Eddie wasn't nervous, he was having fun messing with Buck. Things had been this lighthearted between them for weeks and Eddie had really missed it.
"You probably need a vase for those, bud," Eddie said over the rim of his cup.
Buck startled into action and grabbed a vase, filling it up with water and placing the flowers gently inside. "Eddie, what's happening right now?"
Eddie finally gave in. "Chris and I had a talk about everything and he insisted that we should start dating again so here I am."
Buck had been on his way to setting the vase of flowers on the table but he stopped in the middle of the kitchen at Eddie's words. Eddie got up quickly before the flowers slipped out of his hands and put the vase on the counter.
"Eddie," Buck breathed. "Are you serious?"
Eddie smiled and pushed an errant curl out of Buck's face. "Yep. I'm here to wine and dine you again, Buckley."
Buck's face crumpled in an instant and Eddie pulled him into his arms without hesitation. Buck buried his face in Eddie's shoulder and he could feel the tears soaking into his shirt.
"I missed you," Buck whispered and Eddie lost the battle with his own tears.
He tucked his face into Buck's neck and breathed in the scent of him. "I missed you too, Buck. So much."
Eddie didn't know how long he and Buck stood embracing in the kitchen but he didn't care. The world could have been burning down around him and Eddie still wouldn't have let Buck go.
Buck eventually pulled away with a final squeeze of Eddie's waist. Eddie scanned Buck's face, wanting to memorize every part of this moment: the shine of Buck's ocean blue eyes, the redness of his nice, the brightness of his expression.
"I have a reservation for us in 45 minutes," Eddie said quietly. "If you're up for it.
Buck nodded. "Can I kiss you first?"
Eddie looked down at his lips. Lips he hadn't kissed in weeks. "If you think we'll still make our reservation after."
Buck bit his bottom lip before backing slightly away. "Do we really need to go to this reservation?" he teased.
Eddie rolled his eyes. "C'mon, Buckley. I'll help you pick out an outfit."
Eddie did end up helping him pick an outfit and watched Buck change into it from the bed. Eddie almost said fuck the reservations right then and there but Buck refused this time.
"Nope," he teased. "You promised to wine and dine me, Diaz. I'm holding you to that."
They went to dinner at the same place they'd had their first date and the look Buck shot Eddie as they pulled into the parking lot made him fall in love all over again. They held hands over the table and shared bites of food and fought over the check when their meal was done.
Eddie felt so normal and alive. After weeks of walking around with the fog of missing Buck hanging over him, Eddie was the happiest he had been in weeks. Eddie had barely opened Buck's car door before Buck's lips were on his.
Eddie made a surprised sound as Buck flipped them to press Eddie back into the truck but he kissed back with just as much fervor. God, he had missed the feel of Buck's lips against his own.
They made out against the truck for who knew how long before Eddie made an impatient noise. "Let's go in," he whispered into Buck's mouth.
They slowly made their way into the house. Buck fumbled for his keys and Eddie didn't care to help him, plastering himself along Buck's back. They stumbled their way to Buck's bedroom and Eddie sighed as he finally got his hands on Buck's bare skin. They fell back onto the bed and took each other apart the same way they always had.
Afterwards, they lay entirely tangled in Buck's sheets. The comforter had somehow fallen to the floor but neither of them cared. They were touching in as many places as humanly possibly and Eddie was reveling in it. He could feel Buck's soft breath where he had his head pillowed on Eddie's chest and despite the heat of their bodies, Eddie would never ask him to move.
"I really missed you, Eds," Buck said quietly. His voice was soft and full of tenderness that Eddie wasn't sure he really deserved.
Eddie scratched his hand through Buck's sweaty curls. "I missed you too, Buck. So much."
"I'm really glad that didn't last forever."
Eddie instantly knew what Buck was talking about. Them being broken up. "We would've found our way back together eventually."
Buck looked up at him. "You think so?"
Eddie nodded. "I know so. You're it for me, Buckley."
"Eddie." Buck reached up to kiss Eddie sweetly on the lips. "You're it for me too."
Eddie traced his other hand up and down Buck's arm. "You should move in with us."
He felt Buck tense against him. "What?"
Eddie didn't stop his movements. "Obviously we wait a little bit. Get used to dating again. And I need to talk to Christopher about it. But I'm tired of waking up without you, Buck. I don't want to do it any more than I have to."
Buck pressed a kiss to Eddie's pec where his cheek was resting. "Okay. If Chris is okay with it."
"He will be." Eddie assured, and he felt Buck start to fidget with the St. Christopher medal he kept around his neck.
"I love you," Buck whispered.
Eddie didn't hesitate before whispering back, "I love you too."
—
Eddie woke up a few days later to Buck plastered against his back, one of his legs thrown over Eddie's hip. His hand was pressed protectively against Eddie's stomach underneath his shirt. Eddie reached over to turn off the alarm and buried his head in his pillow.
"Five more minutes," Buck grumbled against the back of Eddie's neck, his voice thick with sleep. He pulled Eddie further into his warm body and Eddie never wanted to get up.
"We have work," Eddie said after a blissful minute.
"Fine," Buck sighed and he rolled over, taking half of Eddie's covers with him.
"Buck," Eddie complained but he was already swinging his legs over the side of the bed.
They had to slightly rush through their morning routine in order to get Chris to school on time and then get to work. Buck and Eddie shared a shower—they only kissed a little bit, they were on a time crunch—and took their coffees to go.
They miraculously got Chris to school on time and walked into the firehouse with a few minutes to spare.
"Hey!" Chimney yelled out when he saw them come through the doors. "The dynamic duo is back together." He did a double take when he saw their hands intertwined between them. "Wait, are you…?"
Eddie and Buck exchanged a look before Buck silently nodded. Chimney's face brightened and he let out a cheer that got the attention of the rest of the firehouse.
Hen peeked down over the loft railing. "What's going on?"
"Buck and Eddie are holding hands!" Chimney yelled up at her.
Hen smiled. "Congrats, boy! We always knew you'd be back together eventually."
The changed into their uniforms and headed up the stairs to be met with the smell of Bobby's delicious breakfast. He was just putting a plate of eggs on the table when he saw Buck and Eddie entering the loft.
"Hey," he greeted warmly. "I hear that there are more forms to be filled out?"
Eddie groaned at the prospect of yet another round of LAFD HR paperwork while Buck happily took his normal seat, pushing out a chair for Eddie next to him.
"Well, congratulations," Bobby said genuinely before a teasing smile took over his face. "We'll get started after breakfast."
Eddie wasn't really put out by the idea of signing his name next to Buck's for the third time. A part of him like how official it felt, that Buck was tied to him in some permanent way. Maybe Eddie should get him to sign something else soon. Maybe a marriage license.
They were able to finish their breakfast before the tones went off and the rest of their morning was filled with simple but annoying calls. None of them were very taxing but they had very little time to rest. They finally got back to the station by lunch time and after eating, Eddie collapsed onto the couch.
Buck followed just after him, plopping himself down so close to Eddie that he was practically on his lap. Their entire sides were pressed together from foot to shoulder and Eddie could feel the warmth radiating off of his boyfriend.
Content to finally have food and time to rest, Eddie tipped his head onto Buck's shoulder. Buck let out a soft sigh before tilting his head to rest lightly on Eddie's. Eddie closed his eyes and felt the most settled that he had in a while. He was working a job he loved with a team he could trust. He and his son were communicating well and being honest with each other. He had an amazing boyfriend who loved him. There was nothing else Eddie could ask for.
Ravi came up the loft followed by the rest of A-shift. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Buck and Eddie a sliver away from cuddling on the couch. "Cap," he called. "Buck and Eddie are doing it again."
Bobby stepped up beside Ravi to peer at the two men. "I'll let it slide for today. They deserve it."
"Thanks, Cap," Buck laughed.
Eddie didn't verbally respond. He shot a weak thumbs up in Bobby's direction and settled further into is boyfriend's shoulder.
Yeah, he could get used to this.
—
It was a Friday night and Buck and Eddie were cuddled up on the couch, watching the movie Buck had been talking about all week. Eddie was trying to pay attention to the movie but he was keep getting distracted with watching his boyfriend play with his fingers so casually in their laps.
Buck was leaning heavily against Eddie's side and was absently bending Eddie's free hand however he pleased. That along with the feel of Buck's warm skin against Eddie's other hand had him sufficiently distracted.
He was paying more attention to the gentle sounds of Buck's breathing than what dialogue was being said in the movie. He cared more about Buck's reaction to the plot than what was actually happening on screen.
Eddie looked up when the front door opened. Christopher had been out with his friends and one of them had driven him home. Eddie didn't know how he felt now that some of Christopher's friends were able to drive. It had taken a lot of arguing and negotiating to allow him and his friends to go out by themselves and Eddie noted that Chris was home four minutes before his curfew.
"Hey," Eddie smiled as his son toed off his shoes by the door. "How was DnD?"
"The campaign was good," Chris said simply. His answers to Eddie's questions were getting shorter and shorter and the thought made Eddie's heart clench. "And Logan drove very safely if that's what you're asking."
Eddie huffed a laugh. "I'm glad that you made it home in one piece."
Chris started making his way over to the couch. "Be honest, were you watching us drive on Life360 the whole time?"
Before Eddie could even protest Buck chimed in. "He had his phone out as soon as Logan pulled out of the driveway," he teased, although none of it was untrue.
Chris rolled his eyes and dumped himself the couch. "Dad," he grumbled.
Eddie pulled Chris into his arm and his son only fought him a little bit. "It's only because I want you to be safe."
Chris weakly tried to push Eddie off, but he soon accepted his fate and melted into his dad's side. He launched into an explanation of the campaign he and his Dungeons and Dragons party had finished that night and, though most of it went over Eddie's head, he still loved listening to his son.
Buck paused the movie right as Chris started and interjected with questions of his own. He had gone on a research spiral about DnD when Chris started showing an interest in it and understood more than Eddie ever would.
Eventually Chris' story concluded and Buck unpaused the movie, explaining the plot points to Christopher quietly when he was missing the context.
It hit Eddie then that this it. This was the life he had fought to be able to have. The one that had seemed so out of reach after Shannon had left when he was working three jobs in El Paso just to be able to afford to live.
Eddie, with an arm around each of his boys, was the happiest he had ever been, and if Eddie was going to hazard a guess, probably ever would be. There was nothing more in the world that he would ask for than his son and the love of his life on each arm.
Despite all of the hardships it had taken to get here, Eddie wouldn't have it any other way. He would do it all over again if he knew it would end up like this.
Eddie pressed a kiss to Buck's curls, then turned and did the same to Christopher's. He didn't know what else to do with the love that coursed through his veins for the two most important people in his life.
Eventually the movie ended and Eddie heard the soft snores coming from Chris' lanky teenage body. Eddie just pulled him closer and tilted his head toward Buck, one of the only other people in the world who understood the love Eddie had for this boy. They shared a soft, adoring smile that was more valuable than words.
He would need to carry Chris into his room and nudge Buck into getting ready for bed soon, brushing their teeth side by side and crawling into bed together afterward. But for now Eddie would wait. He could bask in this moment for a minute. He deserved it.