Chapter Text
Realizing he was in love with his best friend was arguably the worst moment of Buck’s entire life and God knows he had enough bad moments to compare it to. The bombing, the leg surgeries, the blood clot, the tsunami, the lawsuit, the lightning strike, Eddie being…shot, not knowing if Eddie would live, telling Chris that he didn’t know if Eddie would live…
Yeah, Buck had a lot of bad moments. Realizing that the warm emotion that filled him every time Eddie smiled at him, or hugged him, or touched him, or… Yeah, figuring out that that emotion was love was the worst moment of Buck’s life.
It wasn’t a surprise necessarily, despite the fact that Buck had had no inkling prior to the Big Moment of Realization. Buck was, after all, only a poor bisexual boy, and Eddie was singlehandedly the hottest guy in LA, probably in all of California. His strong jawline and muscular physique could tempt a straight man to question his own sexuality, much less someone who already knew they liked men. And Eddie was all man - the fire fighting lifestyle and the army before it had been kind to him, lending him the washboard abs and biceps that haunted Buck’s dreams. God, Buck could leave bite marks down Eddie’s thick thighs, lick a path down Eddie’s stomach straight to his. . . Fuck, he had to stop; the guilt was going to eat him alive if he kept these thoughts up.
Because Eddie, beautiful, kind, loving Eddie, was straight. And Buck was the biggest cliche in the book - painfully, desperately, all-consumingly in love with his straight best friend, who would never see Buck as anything but his friend, his teammate, his partner. It was painful as it was pointless. There was no getting past that fact, unfortunately, and Eddie (and Chris) were too important to him, too essential to him, too woven into the very fabric that was Buck to ever risk their found family for something so stupid as his feelings.
So Buck did what Buck did best: make a list.
Step one to falling out of love with your best friend: Get some physical distance
Buck arrived at the station early, determined to get started on the plan as soon as possible. That meant arriving much earlier than their shift start time in order to avoid the obscene sight of Eddie stripping out of his civilian clothes and into his uniform. Buck rushed through changing into his own uniform then hightailed it up the stairs. Some B-shifters were still hanging about the loft, waiting out the last 45 minutes of their shift before heading out. He gave a wave to Ravi, who had been floating between A and B shifts for weeks now. Ravi shot him a confused look, likely wondering why the hell Buck was here so early, but Buck kept walking straight past him and into the kitchen.
He hopped to the fridge, rummaging around before he pulled out some breakfast sausage, eggs, cheese and various veggies. A breakfast casserole was just the thing to brighten up the start of a 48 hour shift and put smiles on his family’s faces. Grabbing a bowl down from the counter, he began to whisk the eggs, whistling to himself and feeling better than he had in days. By the time Bobby arrived 20 minutes later, the sausage had been browned, the eggs scrambled, and Buck was working on sauteing the vegetable and waiting for the oven to preheat.
“You’re here early, son. Couldn’t sleep this morning?” Bobby asked, reaching up to squeeze Buck’s shoulder as he leaned over to see what was in the pan. Buck smiled, thrilled as he always was when Bobby called him ‘son’ and treated him like his own child. After going no-contact with his birth parents following them calling Christopher ‘baggage’ that would hold Buck back from his ‘real children’ one day, Bobby and Athena had stepped in to fill the parental role for Buck. Despite being an adult man in his early thirties who technically didn’t need parents anymore, Buck felt the wounds from his childhood healing more and more every time Bobby and/or Athena demonstrated their love for Buck or reinforced his place at their family table.
“Nah, slept fine,” Buck wasn’t technically lying, he had slept fine - until his rude awakening that led to the Big Realization which led to him pacing his apartment frantically which led to the list which was currently burning a hole in his pocket. “Just decided to get here early enough to surprise everyone with your famous breakfast casserole.”
Bobby chuckled. “Of course you did. Need any help?”
“Not really,” Buck responded. “It’s almost finished. You could check on the gravy; it should be ready soon.” Bobby nodded, and moved off. Relief filled Buck - he had been worried that he would look different somehow; that the knowledge that he was in love with his best friend would be tattooed on his forehead somehow. The fact that Bobby didn’t seem unusually concerned meant that Buck was succeeding at acting like his normal self, despite the way he felt so irreversibly altered on the inside.
The sound of footsteps on the stairs brought new nerves. Because it was exactly 15 minutes before their shift started, and the army had ensured that Eddie was as punctual as it was possible to be with a 10 year old child. Since Buck knew that Chris had stayed at Abuela’s last night and that Carla was taking him to school (of course he had Chris’ schedule memorized; that was normal best friend behavior, no matter what Maddie said) there was nothing preventing Eddie from arriving on time, which was exactly 15 minutes before normal people would consider ‘on time’.
Buck took a deep breath and gave himself a quick last-minute pep talk. Step one of Buck’s plan to get over Eddie before he lost him forever was to get some physical distance from the man. Buck was a needy, touch-starved gremlin on a good day and Eddie was, more often than not, the object of his desperate affection. It wasn’t unusual for the crew to find the two cuddled on the loft couch, dozing together with Buck’s head tucked underneath Eddie’s chin. Buck loved to rest against Eddie whenever he could get away with it, leaning over his shoulder to see a pic of Chris or tucked under Eddie’s arm during a call when the winter winds got a little too brisk.
Looking back, Buck is shocked it took this long for him to realize that this wasn’t normal, platonic behavior. Eddie was a fucking saint for allowing Buck to be all over him constantly with no complaints. Buck felt slightly guilty - now that he knew he was in love with Eddie, it kind of felt like Buck had been taking advantage of Eddie’s kind nature. He was sure that if Eddie knew the thoughts that were now running rampant through Buck’s mind, he would be horrified that he had allowed Buck such liberties with his person.
Between the guilt and the fear that Eddie would leave him if he knew, Buck thought his first step was a great one. Buck would just stop touching Eddie so much. No more cuddles, no more leaning, no more hugs, and no more ‘accidentally’ falling asleep on the couch just so Eddie would pull Buck’s head down to his shoulder to help him avoid a crick in his neck. Buck would be a big boy and not rely on his best friend to help when the touch starvation got so intense that it felt like he could crawl right out of his own skin.
Buck was an adult. He could manage.
“Good morning, Buck.” Eddie’s voice was slightly deeper than normal, a bit raspy in a way that sent chills running up Buck’s spine. “How’d you sleep last night? I didn’t get any random trivia at 3 am, so it must not have been too terrible.”
Buck checked on the casserole one more time, before turning to look at Eddie. He immediately regretted this choice as his mouth went dry and his heart rate picked up dramatically. Jesus Christ. Eddie looked like a walking wet dream, leaning against the island as though he had walked straight out of Buck’s filthiest fantasies. His hair was perfectly styled, framing his tan face with doe brown eyes gleaming. He was wearing that shirt - the LAFD one that Bobby had accidentally ordered one size too small and that Eddie usually only wore when laundry had been procrastinated long enough that his other ones were all dirty. His biceps were huge and biteable, and when Eddie stretched just a bit, the shirt rode up enough to show off his abs, making Buck’s mouth water at the thought of licking a path straight down Eddie’s stomach, dipping into his belly button for a second before trailing down to his -
He’d obviously been staring too long, trying not to drool, that Eddie had grown concerned and was now rounding the kitchen island, heading towards Buck with his eyebrows dipped down in worry. Just as his hand reached out for Buck’s shoulder (thumb aimed to land on that spot just above Buck’s collarbone where it felt like Eddie’s thumbprint had branded him for life after how often it landed there), Buck flinched back a bit, reminding himself that he was no longer going to lean into Eddie’s touch the way his soul longed for. He ignored the slight hurt on Eddie’s face and turned to reach up and pull down plates from the cabinet.
He smiled at Eddie, trying to appear as normal as he could manage when his heart was trying to throw itself out of his chest and into Eddie’s hands. “I slept fine, thanks. Would you mind setting the table? Hen and Chim should be here soon.”
Eddie nodded, reaching up to take the plates. His fingers overlapped Buck’s and the warm caress made Buck’s breath hitch. “Of course,” Eddie winked (fucking winked, what the hell?) “Anything for you.”
It was a good thing that Hen would be there soon. Having a paramedic in the building would be useful when Buck went into cardiac fucking arrest.
“Bon appetit,” Buck crowed, placing the breakfast casserole in the middle of the table. “Get it while it’s hot.”
“This looks amazing, Buckaroo,” Hen said, reaching over to squeeze Buck’s hand.
Buck blushed as the others echoed her praise, thrilled as always when his family demonstrated that they cared for him and appreciated what he did. The warm feelings were short-lived, however, when he saw that he was the last to the table and the others had naturally left a space in his normal place - directly to Eddie’s right.
Swallowing down his nerves, he gently took his seat, trying to slide his chair closer to Chimney without being noticed. He usually would be pressed right against Eddie, close enough for their thighs to be flush against each other and their elbows to bump as they ate. Before he could fully commit to moving his chair, Eddie suddenly reached down and grabbed the bottom of Buck’s chair, pulling it roughly until it was in its normal place.
Buck flushed, heat flaring in his veins at the ridiculously hot move that demonstrated Eddie’s quiet strength. Eddie’s smile looked more like a smirk just then, as he said, “You don’t want to eat that close to Chimney. He has the table manners of an untrained puppy.” Ignoring Chim’s offended squawk, Eddie reached out and grabbed Buck’s plate, filling it with a healthy portion of the casserole, pouring some gravy to the side of the plate since he knew Buck preferred to dip his food in it. He then placed the plate in front of Buck before serving himself.
Buck felt a little dizzy, overwhelmed both at the sweet gesture - that Eddie had never done before - as well as the smell of Eddie’s cologne - a delicious mix of orange and cedar that Buck had gifted him for Christmas last year. He wasn’t sure what to make of Eddie’s behavior. While Eddie had always fondly indulged Buck’s need for closeness and physical affection, he was rarely the instigator. Today, however, he seemed more touchy than usual, as he rubbed a hand over Buck’s back, chuckling at Chimney who was still protesting the comment of his messy table etiquette. Buck ducked his head and ignored Hen’s raised eyebrows.
Breakfast passed in a flurry of eating and spiraling, trying not to jump every time Eddie touched his thigh or wiped food off his cheek or wrapped his ankle around Buck’s. Buck felt slightly guilty at the relief that flooded him when the alarm sounded and they all abandoned their plates. He prayed that the call was something non-fatal, but that would take them away from the station for a while. He didn’t know how much more of Eddie’s odd behavior he could handle.
The adrenaline, from both the call and the uncertainty around the one person that Buck usually felt the most certain about, caused Buck to stumble a bit on the bottom stair, losing his balance. Eddie caught him around the waist. Buck’s shirt had ridden up a bit, and Eddie’s arm was scalding hot where it pressed against Buck’s stomach.
“Careful, sweetheart. Wouldn’t want to break that pretty face of yours.” Eddie winked, causing Buck’s heart to almost give full out. He raced ahead to the engine, leaving Buck staring wide-eyed after him.
Sweetheart?! Since when did their friendship include cute pet names? God, if Eddie called him ‘baby, he’d be six feet under before anyone even knew what happened.
“Buckley, hurry up!” Bobby hollered, leaning out the door and looking at Buck had lost his mind - which he basically had. Buck shook his head and hurried over to the engine, climbing in next to Eddie and throwing on his headphones.
Even though he avoided Eddie’s gaze, he felt Eddie scoot over until they were pressed together again, thigh to thigh, shoulder to shoulder. Buck turned his head out the window, blushing horribly.
At that moment, Buck gave up. He was officially labeling step one a complete failure.