Chapter Text
Yuu watched as Ace and Epel glanced at each other uncomfortably while the magicless prefect mounted the stage. This had started out as a throwaway idea, one done out of spite (if Crowley asked Yuu to do anything for him, they’d make it as big a hassle as possible), because what better bonding event could there be but asking the housewardens to come onto a special Twisted Wonderland-only version of their favorite reality show (which was definitely not also slight revenge for how much they’d had to deal with that year)? However, this had promptly blown up in their face when the headmage had wholeheartedly endorsed their plan. They’d been forced to plan, film, and now present a full episode of content. Yuu had recruited as many people as they could, and here was the final result: Twisted Taskmaster. They couldn’t wait to see how the housewardens reacted to the challenges they’d set!
─
The stage unveiled itself to its audience: a red raised platform and a smaller stage off to the side. A large screen, courtesy of the Ignihyde dorm, had been erected behind the stage, then a curtain obscured what was beyond that. Seven chairs made an arc on the main stage, then a larger throne and chair next to it. Yuu, the instigator of all this, walked down a small flight of stairs, their unruly black hair actually combed for once with a small purple star clip in their hair. They were wearing a black suit jacket, dress pants, and white formal shirt with another purple accent, a bowtie this time, and dark red platform boots to top the outfit off, their black octagonal glasses sparkling and for once not grimy as all get-out. They’d really put in effort for this (or were forced to by Vil, whatever, the effect was the same).
They spread their arms wide with a smile to the audience’s semi-confused applause.
“Welcome to Twisted Taskmaster, hosted by Night Raven College!”
The audience cheered in response, and Yuu took their seat in the larger chair, next to which was a small table with an unidentifiable golden object on it.
“I’m your host, Yuu Lastnameredacted!”
They hefted the golden object, holding it closer to the audience. Whoever had made it had clearly tried, but none could deny it was, well, crap. But it was shiny, and that was what mattered!
“In my hands is a trophy vaguely shaped like …actually I don’t even know what this is supposed to be…, and our participants will be competing tooth and nail for it today!”
Yuu placed the trophy back down and did a small jazz-hands maneuver.
“That’s right, all seven of our illustrious,” they emphasized ‘illustrious’ with more than a little sarcasm, “housewardens will be participating in this special round of the show!”
A spotlight illuminated the stairway Yuu had just come from.
“Introducing… Riddle Rosehearts!”
Riddle stepped his way down the staircase cautiously. His dorm uniform was pristine, the boot ornaments and crown shining in the light. He took his seat on the first of seven chairs and gave the audience a cursory wave.
“Leona Kingscholar!”
In contrast to Riddle’s poise, Leona trudged down the staircase, sweeping the hair out of his eyes as he plopped down on the chair next to Riddle’s. His tail flicked, acknowledging the audience’s cheers.
“Azul Ashengrotto!”
Azul’s cane tapped on each step as he walked down the stairs, then took a seat on his chair, crossing his legs elegantly and resting the cane on his knees. He turned to the audience and presented a charming, polished smile.
“Kalim Al-Asim!”
Kalim bounded down the stairs, taking them two at a time, then sat down on his chair, jewelry jingling all the way down. He gave the audience an enthusiastically yelled ‘Hello!’, a wide smile, and a giant wave.
“Vil Schoenheit!”
Vil was perfect. As always. The train of his dorm uniform trailed down the stairs as he took each step like it had been made for him, taking a seat with more grace than Azul and Riddle combined. He nodded at the audience, who cheered louder than ever before for him. Off to the side, Azul scowled slightly.
“Idia Shroud!”
Any previous use of ‘scurrying’ to describe a human being was immediately topped by whatever Idia was doing. He curled in on himself as he took the stairs quickly, then sat down on the chair. He didn’t give the audience any acknowledgement at all, but a robotic voice could be heard yelling, “You go, nii-san!”
“And~ Malleus Draconia!”
If Vil was poised, Malleus was intimidating. His boots and staff clanked on each stair as he mounted the seat deliberately. He gave the audience a smile (that was honestly kind of scary), but everyone was strangely silent save for a section of the stage clothed in green (and one large yell of “WAKA-SAMAAAAA”).
Yuu waited for the cheers to quiet down, then cleared their throat audibly. This was not aided in any way by the microphone clipped to their shirt.
“And beside me,” they did a small drumroll on their knees and Vil could be seen shaking his head exasperatedly, “my assistant that I definitely did not steal from Heartslabyul dorm, Deuce Spade!”
Deuce sat down in the gold chair to the side of the prefect, waving to the audience. Leona fought back a small snort as Riddle’s expression twitched slightly.
“So… the note you gave me said to prepare some banter with you today, but I’m not sure what that is?”
Yuu’s expression went exaggeratedly flat as they stared at Deuce.
“Seriously? You don’t know what banter is? Fuck me, I thought the Queendom was fantasy England…”
“I asked Ace, but, well-”
“...What did he say?”
“That the banter is a duck native to Pyroxene?”
“That little- okay, never mind. He’d definitely do that. This is good enough, let’s get on with the show!”
Yuu clapped and then threw their arms open wide, inviting the audience to cheer louder.
“So, as an explanation: we’ll have the housewardens perform a series of tasks for me to watch, WITHOUT magic! I’ll rank them, and at the end, whoever wins will get a trophy!”
They coughed into their hand.
“Annnnd remember, they’re judged by me and only me! I can place you anywhere I want, no complaining allowed! I’ve got headmage-given privileges~”
Yuu giggled briefly before tapping Deuce on the shoulder. The housewardens, even Kalim, shifted in their seats.
“But before that, it wouldn’t be fun if they were just competing for a trophy, right? I mean, hell, some of you all are princes! Or just ultra-rich! You don’t care about the trophy! So, we’ll be doing a prize task first! Deuce, what’s the prize category?”
Deuce glanced at his tablet.
“The prize task is the best photo! Asterisk - keep in mind it’s best, not most beautiful.”
Yuu nodded sagely.
“Got that? Alright, Riddle first!”
Riddle cleared his throat, then crossed his legs.
“My entry is a photo of an unbirthday party, one taken just last week. It’s the most successful one we’ve held this year.”
The photo was projected onscreen to the audience’s delight, a beautifully framed affair - cakes piled high on the table, an array of sweets, and the golden chair in the middle of it all. Red-painted roses framed it elegantly, and Riddle sat in the center, sipping his tea. Yuu seemed delighted.
“Well, it’s certainly pretty! But is it the best?”
“You see-”
“Anyways! Azul, what have you got?”
Riddle’s face reddened, and Yuu casually ignored it, turning their attention to Azul instead.
“Well, after investigating photography techniques and ideal locations, I took a picture of the Mostro Lounge. It has perfect golden ratio framing, ideal lighting contrast,”
Azul was still talking about his photo, but Yuu was no longer paying attention. The photo was good, sure, but it was also kind of… plain. It was, in a phrase, cookie-cutter beautiful. However, no one could deny that the lighting was pretty, the light from the jellyfish chandelier casting itself onto the aquarium wall and tables, in addition to the (admittedly elegant) tables and chairs.
“Hmmm… Idia?”
Idia coughed twice into his hand before explaining his photo.
“...Miku shrine. It’s my Miku shrine.”
Yuu smiled and turned to look at the screen - what was pictured was a Miku shrine alright. There were figurines, posters, art cards, plushies, lightsticks, and other pieces of merch. Truly an otaku’s dream, and Yuu was nothing if not an otaku.
“Peak! Miku is love, Miku is life.”
“Now wait a minute!”
Azul tried to interrupt, but Yuu moved smoothly on to the next person.
“Malleus?”
“Ahem. When the prize task was announced, I told Lilia, and he immediately grabbed this photo for me. I thought it was suitable for such a category - me in my infancy.”
The audience hushed as Malleus’s photo appeared onscreen. It showed a younger Malleus sitting on a bench in some unidentifiable park, probably in Briar Valley. It was dark - fae were nocturnal, after all - and Malleus seemed to look somewhere around 5 years old. That wasn’t completely reliable, after all, y’know, because fae bullshit. He held a giant ice cream like someone was going to take it away from him, the swirl of vanilla and chocolate sparkling in his eyes. His feet didn’t even get close to touching the ground, and he wore a black shirt and green shorts that Lilia had probably picked out for him, along with white socks and shiny black mary janes.
Yuu cooed at the image, clearly the intended effect, as Malleus smiled. There was a collection of noises from the crowd, varying from shocked to enthralled to enthusiastic, that slowly died out with time.
“Now that is a good, good photo. You were so cute!”
Malleus nodded, and for some audience members with eyes to see, a new OTP was born. No one would question the several fics uploaded at strange times that night, would they?
“Next! Vil?”
Vil nodded and raised a perfectly-manicured hand to his face.
“It’s from a recent magazine shoot I participated in.”
The image on screen was of a glossy magazine cover, shiny in the light, with a full close-up shot of Vil in the center. He was beautiful, as always, dressed in what was probably haute couture (Yuu didn’t know, they were a little shit with no knowledge of fashion to their name and this wasn’t even their world) with elegant makeup that accented his best features or something, whatever, they weren’t a writer, but the point stood. Vil was pretty (please don’t kill me, o great Vil, I just don’t have a very big vocabulary).
The crowd went dead silent as the appreciated the photo, including everyone on the stage. Yuu opened their mouth to say something extremely stupid, but successfully made themself dissolve into a coughing fit before it could escape.
“Very,” they coughed. “Very peak.”
Vil seemed slightly offput, but smiled nonetheless.
“Go, Kalim!”
Yuu made little finger guns at Kalim, prompting him to start his explanation.
“Um! It’s a photo of me and the Light Music Club while we were practicing a while ago!”
The photo flashed up on screen - a blurry picture full of energy, just what you’d expect from the most chaotic club Yuu knew of. Lilia was on his knees shredding in the background, Kalim was in blurry focus, and Cater was sat on a table for some strange reason. It was a pretty spectacular photo, by Yuu’s standards, anyways. Peak cinema.
Yuu burst into giggles when the photo popped up, then presented a thumbs-up while they tried to collect themself.
“Bwahahaha- peak-ass cinema, lmao! Please let me into your club, I can play the keyboard well, I swear-”
Kalim gave an enthusiastic nod, then Yuu wiped their laugh-tears and turned to Leona, who seemed to be halfway smirking already (the smug-ass bastard). His tail flicked lazily as his photo flashed onto the screen.
It was spectacular.
The photo had been taken somewhere on a pier, Yuu didn’t know exactly where, but that wasn’t super relevant to the full experience of the photo - the main focus of it was Ruggie. He was blurred by motion, holding an ice cream with the scoop half-falling off the cone. Some kind of bird or animal in motion had swooped down on the hyena beastman, presumably to, well, take a dump on him (as indicated by the white splat bearing down on the second-year), and the entire thing was framed at an angle that seemed like the photographer (Leona, probably) was laughing so hard he could barely keep the photo steady.
“It’s Ruggie getting shat on by a bird.”
Yuu guffawed even louder than they had at Kalim’s photo - the audience could be heard laughing as well, maybe even louder than Yuu was. And Yuu’s laugh was loud - like, witch-cackle loud. It fed off of the audience, creating a nearly 5-minute long period of laughing from Yuu. Eventually, they squeaked out something actually coherent.
“Ruggie- getting shat on-”
Leona nodded smugly.
Yuu cleared their throat.
“So, anyways… let me rank these real quick… I think I already know who’s going first…”
They drummed their fingers against the chair, while Deuce sat ready to write down the prefect’s verdicts.
“Hmmm… joint last place, Riddle and Azul.”
There was a twin exclamation from both housewardens, who then seemed to turn to snap at each other for the unison, then turned and looked away from each other with what may have been frustration. Azul opened his mouth, probably to object, but Yuu shushed him with a “bu- bu-but!”
“They were okay photos, I guess, but thing is… they’re just plain pretty. Nothing else.”
Yuu continued.
“Next! Three points for Kalim.”
Kalim took his verdict with grace, smile never dimming. The jewelery he wore clinked as he nodded.
“Alrighty…”
Yuu clicked their tongue again, loudly.
“Please don’t kill me, Vil.”
Vil raised an eyebrow as Yuu swallowed.
“Idia and Vil, joint fourth.”
It was Idia’s turn to be confused, and he creaked out a surprised noise, probably at the rating. Maybe he thought it was too high? Wtv, not Yuu’s problem! They made their choice!
“Thennnn… Malleus takes second!”
Malleus tilted his head, seemingly happy. Yuu flashed him a thumbs-up, because they were a nerd and had exactly one default emote.
“And you know who’s first… I’m sorry, everyone, but it’s just Ruggie getting shat on by a bird. And nothing will top that, so… seven points to Leona!”
The audience clapped politely, Leona smirked again, and Yuu spread their arms wide in front of the scores, now fully displayed on the screen, each value along with a photo of the contestant.
Riddle: 2 points
Azul: 2 points
Kalim: 3 points
Idia: 5 points
Vil: 5 points
Malleus: 6 points
Leona: 7 points
“Aaaand, with that, let’s see our first proper task!”