Chapter Text
For the last seven years, Leehan had always wished for the same thing on his birthday.
To be thin.
And after he blew out the candle he put the wish on, he’d try his best to avoid eating the piece of cake right under it.
If you asked anyone else, friends or family of his, they’d tell you about Leehan’s kindness. They’d tell you about the one time he had gotten to school an hour late, because he was too busy helping a little bird that had fallen off its nest. They’d tell you about the time he would tutor Woonhak after finishing his own homework, despite not having solved equations like those since he was Woonhak’s age. They’d tell you about the time he had left a little basket full of self care products in front of Jaehyun’s doorstep, knowing he wasn’t feeling the best. They’d tell you about the number of girls he had rejected kindly, alternatively offering friendships and support. They’d tell you about how he allowed Sungho to use his makeup and hair styling on him, willingly giving himself away to his fun little experiments. They’d also tell you about how he’d drop everything he was doing if Riwoo needed a ride anywhere, even if he had planned on staying in and sleeping early.
And yet, regardless of all of his kindest moments in his life, Leehan would only ever remember one thing when looking back at his memories with his friends.
How fat he was when they all happened.
There was no way to sugarcoat it. Leehan used to be fat and that’s it. No one could convince him otherwise. No one disagreeing and telling him that he has always been thin could change his mind about it.
He started having trouble with eating seven years ago, but only now did his parents actually acknowledge his behaviour and made him go to therapy. Which was ironic, if you think about it. If you really think about it and realise they were one of the reasons why he had started to get thinner, his bones had started to weaken, his breath would sometimes reek and his hair had started to fall out–it was really ironic.
So Leehan started visiting Mrs. Lian a year ago and still, nothing had changed.
Sure, he had phases in which he’d at least try to eat enough protein, but these phases would always lead back to starving.
All roads lead right back to goddamn Rome.
It was fine, really. Aside from the sudden headaches, the dizziness and the occasional sickness, Leehan had gotten quite used to his routine. His issues.
He didn’t want to stop.
Recovery might have crossed his mind once or twice, ten times or twenty, but every time he’d imagine himself healthier and fuller, his mind would go blank. It was too unrealistic. It was silly and absurd.
He was nothing without it. His mind constantly circled around the same thoughts every day.
Should I eat this too?
What will I eat at school?
Will I burn this off completely if I walk to school instead of taking the bus?
What will mom cook when she comes back from work?
Will it be oily?
Will it be fatty?
Should I eat the whole plate?
How much would this be?
If I eat this, my breakfast should be smaller tomorrow.
What should I eat for breakfast tomorrow?
It was like a script. Like he was one of the mundane background characters in stories that did the same thing every day and wore the same clothes. He had no other purpose in life. That’s all he was.
“So, Donghyun…This is our last face-to-face session, I assume?” Mrs. Lian asked, holding onto her file filled with Leehan’s documents and every note she had ever written about him. Twenty-four sessions later and the file has doubled in size, chaotic and messy, overflowing with sticky notes and pens. “You’ll be flying off tomorrow, right?”
Leehan tried to ignore the heavy feeling in his stomach after hearing his real name and nodded. “Yes.”
“Seoul, huh?” Mrs. Liam raised an eyebrow. “It must be a big change from this little town.”
“It is.”
“You’ll be attending the same university your friends attend, am I right?” She looked down at the piece of paper that was stacked on the very top of the file. “Jaehyun, Riwoo and Sungho? Woonhak will definitely follow you guys in two years, but it must be exciting to be in the same school as your childhood friends again.”
Leehan hated it when she called them childhood friends. What difference of a friendship would that make if he met them now or later? Friends are friends and Leehan doesn’t have anyone else, despite being quite liked at school. “Yeah.”
“You’ll live alone? Or on campus?”
“Campus. I’ll be rooming with Riwoo.”
Mrs. Lian hummed in acknowledgement and wrote it down. “Great. Great and what do you think it will look like? Living with him, I mean?”
She wanted to know if Riwoo would take care of Leehan and his eating habits. Of course, Riwoo didn’t know. Leehan was pretty good at hiding his motives and his feelings. No one knew. No one had to know. It brought a strange kind of peace that his friends didn’t know anything about his anorexia. He starved, he counted and he burned without the knowledge of his friends, wanting them to notice it themselves before he told them. That would’ve automatically meant that he was doing it correctly.
It has been seven years.
They haven’t noticed.
“I’ll be fine.” Leehan glanced out the window, looking at the people passing by the office.
A woman was walking her dog, a man was reading a newspaper, barely acknowledging the other people around him, forcing them to move out of his way. If only Leehan could live like that. Without a care in the world. Without moving away. Without making himself smaller to pass by.
“Will it?” Mrs. Lian asked. “You haven’t told them. I’m afraid you’ll get worse and worse during your stay.”
“I won’t. I’ll need energy to study and get by.” Leehan reassured her, trying to reassure himself while he was at it. “I’ll barely have time to think about food.”
“That’s what you said during your exam season, you know?” Lian shook her head slightly. “Do you think you’ll continue with your recovery if you’re there without our face to face sessions?”
She still thinks he’s trying to recover, despite his multiple failed attempts. Leehan shook his head, unable to lie. “I don’t think recovery is for me. I don’t think it will ever work.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because.” Leehan shifted in his chair. “I can’t imagine myself getting…better. I can’t imagine a day in which I don’t think about food and it just works. It doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t do it.”
“Donghyun…”
“I’m sorry. I think I’m wasting your time.” Leehan whispered. “I just can’t imagine it. Going on a walk without looking at my steps counter. Eating at a restaurant I randomly decided to sit in, without looking at the menu. Drinking sweet coffee or eating pasta. I just can’t. I’ve wasted your time, I don’t know if you can convince me.”
Lian stayed quiet for a bit, drawing circles in her notes and looking at Leehan’s feet. They’ve had this conversation often enough for Leehan to guess her next words.
She leaned on her elbows, placing them on her knees and taking her glasses off. She took a good, long look at Leehan, sighing while talking. “Just because you don’t think you’ll change, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve these hours.”
Leehan scoffed slightly, with no real heat behind his action. He slowly nodded, focusing back on his people watching.
“I’m serious, Donghyun.” Lian said. “I know you don’t think you’re sick enough or willing enough, but this isn’t what you think this is. Even talking about it can make you feel lighter.”
That’s ironic.
Leehan nodded regardless, trying his best to keep his mind occupied.
“How are your parents taking it?”
“What?”
“You moving away. They must be devastated.”
“They’re not.” Leehan replied. “They just use it as an excuse to fight.”
“What? How?”
“Mom says I shouldn’t and that I’m too young. Dad says it’s her fault I chose to go to Seoul. She says it’s his for not watching over my shoulder when I picked my uni. Dad says she’s my mother. Mom says he’s my father.”
Lian blinked once, slowly, taking it all in. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Leehan shrugged. “I guess I got used to it. They always use the same arguments when they fight about me.”
“But the arguments don’t make any sense. It’s not like you’re moving forever, leaving no trace behind. And it’s not that you’re doing it without a valid reason. It’s a good university and it will open doors for you. A lot of doors. You’ll get the best education there.”
“Yeah, well. When they start making sense to you, you call me.” Leehan laughed once, dry. “They’re just looking for reasons to fight each other, believe me. I know them well enough.”
“And how does their fighting make you feel?"
Leehan played with his fingers. “I don’t…I don’t know.”
“You do.” Lian pointed. “Tell me.”
“Well, it…” Leehan gulped. “It does scare me a little.”
“Why?”
“Because, you know.” Leehan struggled to find the right words to explain it. “It’s just–I mean, my dad is a big guy, you know? He’s like six feet tall and muscular! My mom is short and weaker. She doesn’t work out and she still fights with him like she’s stronger than him. I’m just…scared. I don’t know.”
“For your mother?”
“Well, yeah.” Leehan looked at Lian like it was obvious.
“Do you think your dad will hit her?”
“I don’t know!” Leehan ran a hand through his face. “I don’t know.”
“Has he done it before?”
“Well, no.” Leehan admitted. “But there’s always a first time, you know?”
“Hm.”
“Like, they get in each other's faces sometimes. It’s an awful sight.And sometimes, when I was younger, I felt like he hadn’t touched her like that because I was there watching them.”
“And…” Lian said, quietly. “And now that you won’t be there, you think he will?”
Leehan nodded. “He’s a man.”
“I understand.” Lian wrote something in Leehan’s file. “Donghyun, you know you can’t live through your college life with the fear that something will happen.”
“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one moving to another city.”
“I know, but…you have to trust your mother. You’ve spoken to her before about your fathers attitude. Why not try again?”
“And say what?” Leehan rolled his eyes, unable to stop himself.
“To avoid fights. Like you did that one time.”
A few days before a three-day school trip, Leehan had spent an evening alone with his mother. They had binged watched an entire season of the walking dead after his father had left to go to the local bar with a friend of his. His mom had made popcorn for herself and her son, they had bought a big bottle of coca cola, sipping on it slowly while watching the walkers kill and eat and Rick and his team fight their way out of unthinkable situations.
“Mom.”
“Hm?”
“Can I ask you a favour?”
“Of course, Hannie.”
“Can you just…can you just avoid dad for the next few days?” He asked, taking popcorn out of the bowl, trying his best to act normal and as if his hand wasn’t shaking.
“Huh?” His mom turned to face him. “What do you mean?”
“Just.” Leehan shifted, lifting his head up from her shoulder to look at her. “My room will be empty. Can you promise me that if he starts a fight with you, you go to my room to avoid him?”
“Hannie…” She kissed his forehead softly. “Hannie, nothing will happen, are you crazy? Even if your father and I fight, it’s normal for couples to do that.”
“Still, mom.” Leehan locked eyes with her, trying his best to sound as serious as he was. “I don’t want you guys to fight without me there.”
“What do you think he’ll do?” She laughed.
“I don’t know, mom!” Leehan yelled, scaring both her and himself. “I don’t know, but I’m asking you!”
“Okay, okay!” His mom reached out to touch Leehan’s shaking shoulder. “I will, Hannie.”
Leehan hiccuped, without any real tears running down his face.
“I will, you silly child.” She hugged him, keeping him close to her chest, soothing touches running up and down his back. “You silly, silly child…don’t you know your mother is a lion?”
It’s something Leehan had told her once when he was little.
That she had gone through so much with his father, Leehan thought of her as a lioness. Strong, loyal and stubborn.
And that she was.
“I know you wish you could fix it, but sometimes you just have to adjust.” Lian explained. “Tell her to adjust. For you.”Leehan considered it for a minute. She allowed Lian to write and write and write without asking what she was writing about.
He’d ask.
He’d try.
Saying goodbye was easier than he thought it would be.
The airport was emptier than he thought it would be.
Leehan went through security quite easily, picking up his luggage without waiting too long. While walking around for a bit, giving Jaehyun some time to get there by car, he got himself an Americano and a sweeter version for Jaehyun. Airport prices were ungodly and unexplainably high, but given the fact that Leehan didn’t travel as often as he’d like, he allowed himself a treat that came in the form of 0 calories.
“I’m outside!” Jaehyun answered the phone with. Leehan felt bad for the people that sat around him. “Like right outside the entrance to your Gate.”
Whatever that meant.
Leehan looked around, searching for any sign of the tall, black haired boy and low and behold, Jaehyun and his rental car, waiting for him beside the taxis.
Jaehyun beamed when he saw the younger one.
“Hannie!” Jaehyun yelled, holding up a little sign with a sketch of a huge fish. “Hannie! Over here!”
Jaehyun waved and waved, despite Leehan obviously having seen him. He leaned on his car, showing his little sign, proud and happy Jaehyun was wearing his favourite jacket that he had bought with Sungho, his boyfriend of three years and one of Leehan’s closest friends, some simple black jeans, a huge difference to his bright red converse. Jaehyun’s fingers were filled with rings, one of them being an anxiety ring Leehan had gotten him for Christmas. You spin it around and around whenever you need something to help you cool down and despite Jaehyun’s best attempts of hiding it, everyone knew how much he struggled with overthinking and stressing over unexisting situations.
“You’ll get in trouble with your screaming, Jae-hyung.” Leehan allowed himself the hug he needed, trying his best to ignore the insecurities of being held really close by someone. “What the hell is this?”
“Hey!” Jaehyun faked offense. “I made this extra for you!”
“You did?”
“...fine, it was Sungho.” Jaehyun giggled. “Sorry. He couldn’t make it. We’ll meet up with everyone later though.”
“Really?” Leehan beamed.
“Of course!” Jaehyun reached over to grab Leehan’s luggage. “Damn, that weighs more than you and me combined!”
Leehan smiled at the joke, trying not to overthink it.
If you really counted the times weight or food gets mentioned even in the most mundane situations, you’d be surprised.
“Let’s just go.” Leehan smiled.
Jaehyun refused help from Leehan, shushing him and telling him to just get in the car.
“How come you rented one?” Leehan asked.
“Hey, maybe it’s mine! You don’t think I would be able to afford one?”
Leehan stared at him. “One that says that it’s rentable and has a phone number on the door?”
Jaehyun laughed out loud. “Fine. Caught me there. Sungho said letting you use public transportation like we did would help you build character for the next few college years but I decided to be kind.”
Leehan rolled his eyes. “What does Sungho have against me these days?”
Jaehyun got in the driver's seat, thanking Leehan for his coffee. “It’s not him. He’s being influenced by Taesan.”
Leehan looked at him perplexed. “Taesan?”
“Oh, yeah.” Jaehyun started driving. “Our newest addition to the group.”
Leehan’s stomach turned. “What, I get left behind for a year and you find a replacement?” The joke came out lighter than the heaviness it carried in Leehan’s heart.
Jaehyun turned his head so fast Leehan thought he broke his neck. “What? No!”
Leehan didn’t look convinced.
“Taesan is someone Riwoo basically adopted to our friendgroup.” Jaehyun explained. “He’s nice. You’ll like him, trust me!”
Leehan hummed.
“Hannie, I promise, he’s nice.” Jaehyun tried to reassure his friend. “He’s your age by the way. He just started a semester earlier. He’s studying history, specifically art history. He’s quiet, I promise you won’t even notice him tonight.”
Leehan almost choked on his drink. “Tonight?”
“Yeah. We’ll all celebrate your first year in uni at this restaurant we like to go to!” Jaehyun reached over his steering wheel to hold Leehan’s hand. “It will be so much fun! Riwoo, Sungho and Taesan will be there, I hope it’s okay with you.”
It was definitely not okay.