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The kiss was rough. Hot. Perfect. For a fleeting moment, Shepard thought he might be completely content just with Kaidan's mouth moving under his own. But, no. The more he tasted of Kaidan, the more he felt of him, the more he wanted. Kaidan still hesitated. He responded, sure, but he didn't give himself up totally. Not as much as Shepard needed to satiate his hunger. Always keep a way out, huh? Fuck that, Alenko. Not this time.
Everyone was looking for meaning with things the way they were. Every last one of them was trying desperately to search and cling to life; even Shepard. For a long time it was enough to wake up and breathe in and out, find comfort in the weight of his assault rifle, the heavy pressure of his armor, but that was then. Somewhere between Saren and the fate of the galaxy, it stopped. He woke choking and gasping, reeling in the knowledge he had nothing to live for. No reason to breathe in and out. Nothing to keep him from falling out into the endless starry ocean.
Until he felt it one day. Until he heard it. 'Shepard.' His name coming from Kaidan's mouth. Not 'Commander,' or 'Sir,' or even the infuriatingly teasing, 'Spectre-Commander.' Just 'Shepard,' with so much damn meaning behind it. After that, it was never enough. Could never be enough.
But he could live for this. He needed to know. Needed to have it before that one bullet with his name on it met him once and for all. So, he used his entire body to push Kaidan backwards towards the bed, kissing him like he was sucking the ever-loving life out of him. But for as rough and bruising as his teeth and tongue and lips demanded the kiss to be, his hands kept to more artful touches as soon as he felt Kaidan give in just a little bit more. It wasn't much, but it was something Shepard could work with.
His hands traced down Kaidan's back, following the dip of his spine, slipping his fingers into the loops of his belt. He felt the slight bump as Kaidan collided with the edge of the bed, but didn't let him fall. Instead he used the contact to gently press his leg between Kaidan's, rolling his hips forward. The small moan Kaidan gifted him with in return would have been what undid him, but that was before he could register the sound fully, and there came a blue flash and the sensation of Kaidan's biotics ricocheting up his chest and arms, electrifying his nerve endings. He grinned and took his cue, sliding his hands slowly over Kaidan's ass to his hips and used his leg to unlock Kaidan's knees. He let go and, unbalanced, Kaidan sat down hard onto the edge of the bed.
A better man than Shepard would have taken the opportunity to allow the biotic one last chance to escape. A better man. But, hell, those better men weren't standing where he was, seeing what he was seeing. Unkempt black curls rebelling against their hair gel oppressor; warm copper and russet eyes staring up at him almost in confusion; swollen and scarred lips, wet and parted; an obviously wonderful endowment pushing against the fabric of his off-duty blues. However, if Kaidan had stood up and left, Shepard wouldn't have stopped him. Not if he'd taken his shell-shock and unruly hair and left without another word. But he didn't. In fact, he did the opposite. Kaidan Alenko sealed his fate.
He closed his eyes briefly and breathed, "Shepard," in his burgundy and whisky voice like he was reciting a damn prayer.
Shepard stood in front of the biotic, thrillingly lost as to what he should do. Loving the feeling of it. "May I?"
A harsh and embarrassed laugh pushed from Kaidan's chest. "If you don't, I might have to break a few regs to convince you otherwise. Sir."
Shepard bent to his knees, spreading Kaidan's legs gently so that he could slide himself up for more body contact. "Can't have that," he murmured, reaching out to unbuckle Kaidan's belt. The biotic responded by gathering up the bottom hem of Shepard's undershirt and slowly pulling it up, brushing his knuckles lightly along his CO's ribcage the entire way. The contact raised gooseflesh over his entire body. Shepard raised his arms and practically ripped the shirt off over his head.
Belt undone, Shepard began to glide Kaidan's pants down. As soon as the slightest hint of skin was exposed he was hit with the irresistible urge to taste it. So he did. Dipping his head forward, he ran his lips lightly over Kaidan's thigh, gently leading with the brush of stubble on his chin. The reaction was immediate. Kaidan jerked convulsively and his hands braced behind him on the mattress. Encouraged, Shepard followed the path of his hands all the way down to Kaidan's ankle. Pants thus disposed of, he picked his way back up on the opposite leg, sometimes flicking his tongue out, other times nipping with his teeth. He could feel Kaidan's breath catching and muscles twitching; the best compliments he could possibly receive.
When he reached Kaidan's thighs again, he made the executive decision to spend as much time there as possible, memorizing everything. He breathed in Kaidan's musky and clean scent. It sent a jolt to his already straining erection. God, he smells good. He took his time enjoyed the feel of soft skin against the shadow of his beard and kissed a trail along a curved hipbone, just a hair's breadth away from where he knew Kaidan really wanted him. He planted his hands on either side of Kaidan's waist as the other man tried his best to buck his hips forward. Shepard rewarded him by caressing the side of Kaidan's erection ever-so briefly with his lips.
"Holy hell," Kaidan sighed, lurching forward and curling himself on top of Shepard. His hands fisted onto Shepard's shoulders. Shepard used the new position to his advantage. He tilted his head up, trailing hands and lips and teeth over Kaidan's stomach and sides. He could feel the man's skin beginning to burn hotter. He hoped it meant another chance of feeling those amazing, unrestrained biotics again.
It did. The second the pressure of his teeth found a particularly sensitive spot on Kaidan's waist, there came the hum of static electricity followed immediately by the blue ripple. This time it coursed over their entire bodies, making Shepard dizzy and his ears ring. He could feel Kaidan about to apologize, about to lock himself down again, but he wouldn't let that happen.
He crawled up Kaidan's body, using his weight to uncurl the other man and push him back properly against the bed. He braced his hands on both sides of Kaidan's head and held his gaze. "Don't stop doing what you're doing. Turns me on."
Kaidan answered him with a grin. "Yeah. Yeah, I can definitely keep doing that. If you're game, that is."
Shepard rolled to one side, allowing Kaidan the leverage to prop himself up on his elbow. "Always," he replied.
This time, the biotic hum wasn't as sharp. Kaidan was in full control now. He reached out and pressed a firm hand against Shepard's chest. The blue light arced from his fingers and slowly, slowly, spread over Shepard's body at just the right frequency to reverberate straight to his core. His skin felt raw and exposed, almost chaffed. When Kaidan leaned forward and trailed his tongue from collarbone to earlobe, Shepard collapsed back, feeling like he was less likely to survive this than the suicide mission against the Collectors. Every last cell in his body cried out for less and more of Kaidan, all at the same time. He couldn't stop a long, deep moan as Kaidan removed their remaining layers of clothing. He closed his eyes tightly against the overstimulation of Kaidan's hands and mouth working over him.
Unlike Shepard, Kaidan wasn't one to waste precious time on too much foreplay. Just like in their everyday lives, he knew exactly and instinctively what Shepard needed, and did it with efficiency and to great effect.
He took Shepard's aching cock in his mouth in one fell swoop, humming deep in his throat just lower than the vibration of his biotic field.
If Shepard hadn't masturbated the day before, that would have been the end of their night. His hands twitched and curled into Kaidan's hair, his hips rising off the bed. Kaidan's tongue traced a languid pattern up his length right to the tip where he sucked once, gently, swallowing Shepard's precum.
"God, fuck, Kaidan," Shepard groaned, overwhelmed. "How do you-"
"With you inside me," Kaidan cut him off.
Shepard's eyes flew open. He stared silently. Kaidan allowed the biotic field to drop and crackle away. Every spark made Shepard's muscles twitch. He gritted his teeth, suddenly sure he could probably come even without Kaidan physically touching him anymore. All he had to do was say something else like that with the same tone.
Kaidan obliged. He reached beside the pillows and retrieved a bottle of lube, snapping it open and working it onto his fingers. "Watch me," he said in a low voice.
Shepard swallowed hard.
Kaidan rolled onto his back and lifted his hips. He inserted two fingers into his own ass, working himself deliberately into a frenzy. Shepard touched him everywhere he could, trying desperately to focus on something - anything - that would prevent him from losing it before he could know what it felt like to be inside Kaidan. But his control was slipping. Kaidan's skin was flushing more as sweat broke out on his forehead. His lips parted slightly and he moaned from somewhere in his body that Shepard only hoped he could find one day. Unable to stand it, he stilled Kaidan's hand.
"Leave some for me," he quipped, though his smile trembled as badly as his voice. "I can't take anymore."
Wordlessly, Kaidan flipped them both so he was straddling on top of Shepard. When Shepard felt Kaidan lower himself onto his length, the heat, the depth, the sensation on his still-sensitive skin made white-hot stars flash in front of his eyes. He couldn't do anything else except let Kaidan set the pace.
Kaidan's thrusts were strong and sure. He knew exactly how to move, how Shepard moved. The answering thrusts upwards tore moan after moan from his throat. He hunched his back and dug his fingers into Shepard's pectorals. He was close, too.
Shepard grabbed Kaidan's forearms tightly and thrust up again and again, hard and frantic. Nothing in his entire life had felt this good before, and he knew with every fiber of his being that he wouldn't be able to live without feeling it to the last second.
Kaidan came hard. His whole body seized and then released as he shouted Shepard's name. The contractions of his muscles sent Shepard over the edge. His abdominals tightened as he thrust up shallowly a few more times and pulled out as he came just as hard, Kaidan's name ripped out of his mouth.
They stayed in that position for several minutes, letting their heart rates and breathing return to normal. In those moments, still clenching Kaidan's arms hard, Shepard felt something within him, something indefinable, shift. Something that was maybe worth living for. Finally, Kaidan raised his shaking hips up off of Shepard and rolled back to lean against the headboard. He grabbed tissues to clean them both with. Shepard followed and they sat with arms touching.
Suddenly, Kaidan began to shake with a hoarse, rich laugh. Shepard couldn't help but smile at the sound as he turned his head. "What's up?"
Kaidan pulled his legs up and draped his arms over his knees. "I don't know," he laughed and coughed, clearing his throat. "I just... that was the best sex I've ever had."
Shepard chuckled. "Should I tell someone? Ask for a commendation or something?"
"You do that. I'm sure Anderson'll be impressed." He met Shepard's eyes, and even though he was still smiling, his words were serious. "Look, Shepard. I know what you're going through right now. I've seen you try to take on the galaxy by yourself, and it's not working."
Shepard shrugged, but didn't bother lying to deny it. Not after what Kaidan had done for him. Not after what Kaidan was still trying to do for him. "Yeah."
"I also know you're not capable of just giving up and letting anyone else get hurt in your place. That's the kind of man you are. But, listen. If you can't lean on your crew and the people around you, then how about just me? You said once you needed a shoulder sometimes, and to be honest, I wanted to be that for you, even back then. So how about it? Can it just be me?"
"You sure you're up for it?"
Kaidan's smile grew. "You bet. To the task, Shepard."
And there it was again. His name sounding like a prayer. Shepard pressed Kaidan back against the headboard and kissed him long and hard. This time there wasn't an ounce of resistance. Nothing he had to fight through to release Kaidan's tension. Nothing left to regret or hope for or fear losing. Everything was right there in front of him, kissing him back with nothing else left to hide.