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“A brew?” Aaron asks over his shoulder as he keeps an eye on the sizzling bacon in the pan. Robert's gazing at a spot on the table, his hands clutched together. It takes a second for the question to reach his partner, but when it does, Robert gives him a sheepish smile.
“Rather a coffee, if you don't mind.”
Aaron can't help but grin a little, knows Robert needs at least one coffee in the morning to be able to function.
“Coming up.”
“That was really good, thank you, Aaron.” Robert remarks sincerely, setting aside his plate.
Aaron smiles, hopes his regular concerned glances at Robert weren't too obvious over breakfast.
“That's alright.” Aaron contemplates his next step. He can tell that Robert is already starting to get antsy, probably wanting to get on with things on the farm even though they decided (or rather Aaron decided) to sack it off for the day.
“Another coffee?” Aaron asks and Robert hesitates for a second, one eyebrow raised as he meets Aaron's gaze like he knows what he's doing.
“Go on then.”
“Mack will be here in about 15 minutes,” Aaron says as he glances at the incoming text.
Robert doesn't say anything, but Aaron catches the uncertainty that flickers across his face.
“Hey- I didn't force him, he wants to help out.” Aaron insists quickly, hoping to ease Robert's mind.
“Yeah, because he doesn't know what I did. Yet.”
Aaron sighs, “I doubt Moira will tell him, especially now it’s water under the bridge.”
Robert scoffs, “It will never be, not really.”
Aaron shrugs, not saying anything as he watches his boyfriend, whose eyes have turned distant again. Aaron hates being so familiar with that look on Robert.
“Robert, please don't worry about it. I know I was wrong before, but I genuinely think it's over now. And if any of them bring it up again or go back on their word, I'll make sure they regret it.” It comes out way more hostile than he intended it to, but it doesn't make it any less true.
Robert raises his eyebrow at him, a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Yeah?”
“Course.” Aaron says confidently, taking in Robert's small but genuine smile. Aaron doesn't want to mention the topic aloud, but he knows that whoever is setting the fires around the farm will be regretting their actions to, once Aaron gets his hands on them.
Despite how much the fires consume them, its significance remains unspoken.
Aaron wouldn't dream of admitting this to his fiancé, but he too is worried that the firest might be a targeted act towards Robert. And if that does turn out to be the case, it's so cruel and twisted that Aaron will make sure they won't be in any fit state to repeat the deed.
“Don't think I haven't noticed you going all bodyguard lately,” Robert says, his expression almost turning shy.
Aaron pulls a face but Robert's totally right, of course. He feels his cheeks warming as he shrugs “Part of the job description, innit.”
“Hmm.” Robert's grinning now and it's worth the hint of embarrassment Aaron feels.
“What job's that then?”
Aaron wonders if it's a test, with everything that's been going on since the crash, they've hardly had any time to discuss it.
“Your fiancé, someone who's there for you, who loves you.” Aaron blurts out before he can stop himself from saying it. He's trying to be better at using his words, especially when it comes to expressing his love for Robert, knows it's needed more than ever these days.
Robert's smile becomes wider, brighter, his eyes glistening before his expression falls slightly. It's almost like he can't allow himself to bask in kindness for too long
“I do appreciate it, you know - you speaking up for me. You've had to do that a lot lately, I don't-”
“If you're going to say you don't deserve it, let me interject and tell you you're wrong. You do deserve it.” It's no hardship, sticking up for Robert, especially when Robert seems to have lost so much confidence in himself since getting out of prison.
Robert's smile returns a little but his eyes are still unfocussed, and Aaron wishes he'd believe him.
Aaron watches Robert sip his coffee slowly as they allow the silence to settle between them.
“I'll get this in the dishwasher and then I do have to get on with some work.” Robert mumbles after a while, breaking the silence as he drains the last of his coffee that surely must be cold by now.
Mack arrived about ten minutes ago, slightly stoic in attitude. He didn't have a go though, instead making some small talk in the kitchen, preparing himself a brew to take outside.
To be fair, Aaron had warned him over text in advance, hinting at the fact that Robert needed to take it easy today. Although Aaron could tell that Robert was slightly uncomfortable, what with the table stacked with dishes from their breakfast on a Thursday morning on which he should be working on the farm.
“Robert, I thought we agreed-” Robert grimaces, still looking uneasy.
“I didn't, not really, and Aaron - I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but I can't just sack of work. I've made the decision to become a farmer, not to mention do it on a farm owned by Joe Tate of all people, and so I have to put in the work even when- “He trails off, shaking his head.
“Even when what, Robert?”
“Even when I'm not feeling too great.” Robert answers with a sigh, not looking at Aaron. Before Aaron can point out that this is exactly why he should take it easy, Robert adds “I should be used to it by now, shouldn't I? None of this has been easy so far and I'll just have to power through, or everything really will be over before it's even properly started.”
Robert's words do nothing to ease the tight ball of concern growing in Aaron's stomach.
“Take the morning off, at least.” Aaron can hear the hint of desperation in his own voice. But if Robert agrees, he can take it from there trying to keep Robert away from work for the whole day.
Robert sighs again, meeting Aaron's gaze. He must notice something in his expression because his expression softens before he agrees. “Okay- but please let me load the dishwasher, or I'll feel completely useless.” Robert says, getting to his feet and nodding towards the dishes that Aaron's already piled up on the kitchen counter.
“You're not useless.” It comes out louder and more resolute than Aaron was aiming for, and Robert looks at him, eyes wide, his fingers flexing at his sides.
“It's just a figure of speech-”
“I know.” Aaron says placating, “But you're not useless.”
It's been a bit of a constant in their relationship, Robert always on the go, always looking for ways to fix a problem – almost like he believes he has something to prove all the time, has to prove that he's worth people's time. Aaron has his own ideas about where this might stem from, and so he's always ready to interject when Robert talks like this, even if his words are disguised as throwaway comments.
Aaron has also never forgotten Robert's expression or the sound of his ragged voice when he asked Aaron that awful question last August: don't you think I'm a waste of space?
Aaron never found out where that had come from. In hindsight, he suspects it had something to do with Robert's psycho brother, Aaron's psycho husband.
Aaron has never thought this about Robert, could never. It repulses Aaron, though, that Robert might genuinely have believed he did, even just for a second
Aaron now knows that his life without Robert is just empty, a void. He'd always know it, really, ever since he'd first fallen in love with the man. Aaron didn't need to lose Robert to know it to be the truth, but he had. And if Aaron had anything to do with it, he wasn't ever going to lose him again.
And it's clear that reminding Robert how loved he is, is part of this.
As Robert rinses the dishes, Aaron rests his chin on his shoulder, his arms circling his waist.
“Robert-” He starts carefully, sucking in a breath because while he wants to distract Robert from everything that's been going on lately, now they're actually talking about stuff, Aaron can't let the opportunity pass without getting everything he's been worrying about recently off his chest.
“I don't want you to still feel bad about what happened with Joe and Moira. I don't want you beating yourself up over that, still.” He feels Robert inhaling sharply.
What Aaron told Cain is true; Robert hates himself for what he did more than anyone else possibly could. Aaron knows this, because he knows Robert and how harsh the rod can be that Robert beats himself with.
“It’s not like that.” Robert almost whispers, like it's a secret. Aaron gently places his hand on his waist, rubbing one of his thumbs over Robert's clothed skin.
“Okay?”
“I feel bad yeah, still. It's like- I know Joe blackmailed me, but that also happens to be the thing I find most difficult to get over. Because I shouldn't have let him. I should have thought of a way out, instead of having Joe walk all over me. I feel-” Robert pauses, letting out a shaky breath.
“It's just more proof that I'm not the same person I was before prison.”
Aaron's thumb stops rubbing Robert's shirt. He presses his forehead into his fiancés' shoulder for a second. “Don't say I haven't-” Robert finishes.
“I wasn't going to.” Aaron replies after a couple of beats. “But it's no wonder you have changed. And that's not a bad thing. Im different too. We have both changed.”
Aaron wonders if years ago, Robert would have found a different way out of Joe's blackmail. There's been countless times in which a plan of Robert's failed, maybe even more times than not. Aaron wasn't going to mention that though, it didn't matter. It wouldn't change the way Robert sees himself right now.
Robert moves to grab the tea towel, drying his hands before turning around in Aaron's arms.
Aaron smiles a little before seeing how unsure Robert looks, how he almost shrinks in his hold, avoiding his gaze.
“Rob?”
“I know I've changed. I just- you don't think I've changed too much?” After a second, he locks eyes with Aaron, his eyes wide.
Aaron knows what he's asking, it breaks his heart.
“Robert I love you. I love you now. You're still the same Robert I fell in love with years ago. I think you're amazing, and so incredibly strong.” Aaron hears how his voice trembles, but he pushes on.
“Joe is a dickhead. You did the best you could in an impossible situation. I can see that despite how much I wish you had come to me with all this. I mean it Robert, I admire the way you just keep on trying even after everything you've been through. It takes so much courage and strength. I'm proud of you. I love all of you, yeah? I always have done.”
Aaron remembers the times he used to lie awake in bed, wishing he could have one more chance at saying all this kind of stuff to Robert, making him see he's everything to Aaron, that Aaron would be willing to wait 14 years for him, that he's worth all that and more. One more chance at trying to change Robert's mind, stopping him from coming to that fatal decision.
“Life has always thrown so much shit at us.” It's an understatement really, and Robert makes a little chuckling noise. Aaron relishes the sound, as it contrasts with the look of disbelief on Robert's face, his red, shiny eyes.
“I don't expect you to be able to fix everything, or to never make mistakes. Me loving you doesn't depend on what you can do for me, Robert. All I want is for us to be together and for you to be happy.” Aaron's voice catches on that last word, and he knows he has to stop and take a breath.
It also gives him time to gently swipe at the corner of Robert's eyes.
“And I will tell you summat else-” Aaron continues, waiting until Robert catches his eye again.
“We're going to make something off this farm. And we will get whoever is setting these fires, if it's the last thing I do.” Aaron goes back to stroking Robert's waist, so his hands won't clench into fists the way he knows they're desperate to. Because it's unfair, Robert's already struggling without also having to deal with fires around his home and livelihood too, with all the memories that come with that.
“I couldn't do this without you.” Robert chokes out, chin quivering.
Aaron smiles, sees the years they didn't have each other, painful, long years.
“Can you promise me something?”
“Anything.” Robert says, always ready to please Aaron. What he's about to ask won't come quite as naturally to Robert, but it needs saying.
“You can always come to me with anything you're struggling with, Robert. I need you to try and remember that.”
Robert raises one eyebrow. “Is that it?”
God, he can be so annoying, Aaron resists the urge to roll his eyes. “Yes, that's it, Robert. But it's important because you didn't do that with the whole passport debacle, did you?”
Robert looks away but Aaron reaches out to touch his face, keeping him in place. “Robert, I just told you I don't want you to feel bad about that anymore. But this tension between us these past few weeks - it's partly because you waited so long to tell me, and this also meant you struggled with it on your own for a long time. I don't want that.” Aaron exhales, tilting Robert's head up to gently stroke a finger across his jaw.
“I don't want you to keep things from me because you think you should. I can handle it. Nothing you tell me is going to scare me away. I'm never going to be that angry or upset that I'll leave you. I need you to know that.”
Robert freezes right in front of him, his fiancé almost gaping at him. Aaron knows he's hit the nail right on the head.
“That's it, isn't it?”
Robert's looking anywhere but at Aaron's face. Aaron sighs, “Robert, I mean it. Nothing you could ever do, could scare me away.” Aaron thinks of the way none of his own actions had ever scared Robert away. In fact, Robert didn't think of running until he thought he was going to be the one who would get too much.
Aaron swallows against the painful lump in his throat.
He wishes he could make Robert see just how much Aaron loves him by sheer willpower alone. But it doesn't work like that. Aaron remembers the way his own insecurities left Robert exasperated at times in their past. Aaron gets it now. But he also understands what it's like to be on Robert's end of things. Aaron can be patient.
“It's happened again, hasn't it? This circle we keep finding ourselves in.” Aaron remarks softly, his voice cracking a little. “We were both scared of the other leaving. You didn't come to me because you were convinced I would find it all too much, and end up leaving ya. But in the end I was the one terrified of you leaving me.
Aaron can't recall if it's ever been this clear to him before, can't imagine it hasn't when it seems so simple, tragic, but simple.
He half expects Robert to make a sarcastic comment, but the silence lingers.
“I'm really so sorry about that.” Robert sniffs out after a couple of beats. “It seemed like the only thing I could do at the time, the only way to fix the mess I made. But I didn’t want to, I need you to believe that. I never want to leave you.
Aaron sighs, “Robert- did you hear all I just said?”
“Huh?” His fiancé finally looks at him.
“You can always come to me. It will never be too much, you're never too much.” Aaron stresses. Because of course Robert's decided to only focus on the last part of Aaron's little speech.
“I hear you. I-” Robert swallows down a hiccup. He's shaking his head a little, like he's frustrated at the fact he can't speak properly. Aaron waits him out patiently as he carefully reaches out to enclose Robert's wrist between his thumb and index finger.
“It's hard to remember sometimes, or rather, it's easy to forget. I don't mean to-”
“It's okay.” Aaron shushes him quickly as he can see that trying to put it all into words is overwhelming his partner. “I get it, I do, I promise. And I also promise that I love you, and that I'm always on your side.”
Robert nods shakily and Aaron gently pulls Robert against his chest before he wraps his arms around him, rubbing at his fiancés back. It takes a second or two before Robert relaxes in his hold and presses his face into Aaron's neck.
Aaron doesn't know how long they stand like that, doesn't care either way as he keeps rubbing soothing circles into Robert's back.
In the end it's Robert who pulls away, his eyes slightly puffy. Aaron doesn't want to let go as he keeps holding on to his partner's wrist, feeling his pulse there.
“That was a bit intense, wasn't it?” Robert starts, and Aaron's sure that Robert's desperate to apologise again but he doesn't, and here's to hoping he believes at least some of the stuff Aaron's told him today.
“Maybe, but needed though, yeah?” Aaron says gently, stroking his thumb against Robert's skin.
Robert nods and Aaron inhales. There's something he still wants to bring up and wonders if he should take the risk, knowing it might push Robert too far.
“Robert-” He starts, trying to get his attention again.
“Oh no-” Robert returns and it almost feels normal. Aaron smiles because he can't help it, can't help but feel lighter at getting to see that sarcastic side of Robert return right in front of him, that little spark of confidence.
Even though Aaron suddenly wants to, he can't come up with anything else to say other than what he intended to come out with, so he does.
“Robert, would it be an idea to open up to someone about the way you've been feeling. I mean- you can always talk to me, but I mean a professional, maybe.” Aaron waits for Robert to turn away from him, to snap at him and end the conversation abruptly.
He hardly dares breathe out, not wanting to break the still lingering peace.
Robert doesn't do any of these things, though. He keeps still in front of Aaron, breathing unevenly.
“Like Liam?”
“Yeah, like Liam.” Aaron tries to breathe steadily, remembering that this time around Robert's been more open-minded when it comes to stuff like this, knows from Victoria that Robert was considering it, back when Aaron was still pretending he wanted nothing to do with him. As much as Aaron's grateful about this change, it's proof of just how much Robert's struggling.
Robert steps away from Aaron, taking a seat at the kitchen table and Aaron follows his lead, taking a chair opposite him.
“I have talked to Liam,” Robert says, and Aaron doesn't understand. “When?” Surely, Aaron could hardly have missed this happening.
“No- I mean, a while back now. Before we got together. It was last summer, not too long after I was released and living at Vic's.”
“Oh-” Aaron didn't know this but then again, how could he have done, if it wasn't for Robert telling him himself?
Aaron watches Robert wringing his hands in his lap, his thumb pressing hard enough into the skin to leave a mark. Aaron wants to reach out and stop him but keeps still.
“You went to see him?”
“No- he came round to Keepers's, at Vic's request of course.” Robert says, shaking his head a little, a fond expression on his face.
“I-” Robert pauses, hesitating, as he seems to be working something out in his head, his brow furrowed.
“I didn't take it seriously, you won't be surprised to hear,” Robert says after a moment.
“Okay..” Aaron can't say he's surprised, it's true.
“I can't quite remember why now, I wasn't stupid, I knew I needed help.”
Aaron swallows, his heart pounding.
“It's not easy, however much you know it could help you.” Aaron says gently. He's thinking of all the ways in which Robert acts like someone who doesn't deserve help, reminding Aaron needlessly that he did something awful and paid the price for it, along with everything that entailed.
Robert continues, “It also seemed pointless, you know? I couldn't afford therapy at the time, so I didn't see the point of making even the smallest of starts by talking to Liam.
And- it's Liam, you know. And yeah- patient confidentiality and all that but-” Robert shrugs, eyes distant. “And well- I wasn't well liked either then, as you may remember, and I felt like I had to hold back, that I couldn't fully trust Liam, or anyone really.”
Aaron almost wishes he hadn't brought it up now, hates how he's made Robert remember those months after he just got released, those months in which everyone seemed to turn against him, including himself.
Aaron determinedly avoids imagining the scene, can't bear to think about the questions Liam may have asked Robert, and the way his boyfriend answered them. Aaron's no stranger to the kind of questions he'd have been asked, is the thing.
”Maybe not Liam, maybe someone else,” Robert says after a while, breaking the silence. When Aaron looks at him, he sees his partner intently staring at his hands that are still clutched together.
Aaron nods anyway, keeping quiet. He's always known that it has to come from Robert in the end.
“And I'll help you with it, in any way I can, including financially.” Robert slowly lifts his head to look in his direction.
“Aaron-”
“I mean- we're engaged. It's all the same really, isn't it?” Aaron interjects quickly, knows a refusal is on Robert's lips. “And we both know whose money paid for the services I used when I needed it, all those years ago.”
Robert exhales, “Okay-”
“I don't want to pressure you, it's just- think about it, yeah? Maye now is the right time. And I will be here, every step of the way. And Robert-”
Robert seems to be lost in thought again and Aaron waits him out.
“Hmm?”
“I understand that it's difficult but... please don't hide from me, yeah? You don't have to. Try not to, please.” It feels unfair as he doesn't want to put pressure on Robert, but he needs to keep reminding him. To save Robert from having to reply, he holds out his hand for him to hold.
“How about we take a walk around the farm? Put your mind at rest and then spend the day together, do something fun, stuff our faces, no more tears?”
Robert seems taken aback but only for a brief second. Aaron watches his eyes starting to sparkle a little, a tiny but genuine and fond smile blooming on his face. He takes hold of Aaron's hand.
“Sounds like a plan. And Aaron, thank you-” Aaron squeezes his hand in response, sensing that Robert might not be able to find the words. Aaron doesn't mind.
“My pleasure.”