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It took merely a day for Bruce to realize he might actually not have thought things through. Although the decision to take Jason in had been the easiest he had made in a while, he had never been this woefully unprepared. He doesn't let that change things, not in the slightest. But it's the smallest things that catch him off guard, make him question his capabilities, his capacity to help Jason. The first night, he asked Alfred to bring him some of Dick's older clothes when he had been 11, Jason is soon to be. When Jason came out of his room next morning looking like he's swimming in Dick's hoodie, something catches in Bruce's throat. A few nights down the line, he starts hearing noises, muffled thuds, and cries, often deciding to go downstairs and painstakingly waiting for them to stop and Jason to come to him. For some comfort. He doesn't. Bruce doesn't expect him to. It's not like Dick never got nightmares, it's that… everything with Jason. It's too novel. He doesn't know how to navigate this new terrain.
A month in he's learnt Jason is intelligent beyond his years. It fills him with pride he didn't know he could muster for a child so distant from him. It also saddens him at the thought of all he had to do to survive for so long. He's got a working file now. Everything in order to get it right. Jason's history, whatever he's shared so far doesn't even touch the surface and Bruce knows that. He's learnt Jason's affinity towards books, the library becoming his safe haven. His appreciation for the Arts, literature and theatre. Equally as good in Chemistry as he is in English and he's stellar, Bruce would know. But the kid still beats himself over for Mathematics. Jason's eagerness to study, to train, to go on field which he's not ready for just yet… it tethers on this wire of desperation that scares Bruce.
Two months in, Bruce had given Jason a tentative timeline because he's absolutely uncontainable with the urge to patrol. He's made ground rules, he's worked through all his anxieties and not let that get in the way of making decisions for a child's life. His child, now. Two months in, Jason is the same fiery kid who hit him with his tire iron as well as the one who looked at Bruce like he believes in nothing and everything. Once again, it's the small things Bruce is learning to pick up on. Jason's mood dips sometimes a little bit too quickly, and “lashing out” is the last word Bruce wants to use. He has bad days, days when he won't be seen, he will be in the library but not read, he will be training for hours, he will opt out of food and look like he hadn't been sleeping. It's this side of him Bruce does not know how to help just yet. Not for the lack of trying with all the research papers on childhood trauma, reading parenting books and understanding more and more what could be going on.
Two months, Bruce understands, although not too long, is still long enough for the novelty to have worn off a bit. They've become close. Closer than Bruce anticipated but not quite still. The thing is, Bruce can tell for Jason, he's not quite reliable just yet. He has not become the adult that can be trusted and Bruce can feel him try. Feel the way Jason sometimes lights up around him then quickly retreats like pulling his defenses back up. Bruce tries not to take it to heart. It affects him regardless. Jason tests him, as if knowing at his core, he doesn't belong. Waiting for the shoe to drop, the inevitable betrayal, for Bruce to reveal his true colours.
The argument starts small. They always do but this isn't like other times, something feels off and Bruce can tell. Can feel it like some old wives tale. Bruce is reiterating something about patrol protocol. He tells Jason he'd rather they give more time so Jason can understand some behind the scene work. Maybe sit with Alfred while he handles the comm lines. Take some time to observe, to learn the reins before diving in. Maybe Bruce didn't word it right, maybe it was his tone. Bruce doesn't know what it was but he notices Jason's body language. Trying to hide but not being able to. The anguish, the disappointment. It's like Bruce is saying something and he's hearing something else.
“You don't want me to be Robin”, Jason says, voice flat. Looking at Bruce, his face neutral in a way that seems to scream it's a fact. It's a fact that he knows for sure and not one soul can lie to him again.
“No Jason, it's an idea. One I think we should've considered before. Being on the field can be dangerous. Understanding what goes on behind it can minimize that to a certain degree.”
He keeps himself equally neutral, meeting Jason where he is. Or trying to. He can't tell. He doesn't show the shock he feels at those words, the fact that in the back of his mind he's trying to comprehend how Jason even came to that conclusion. As if reading his mind, Jason answers the question.
“You don't think I have it in me? Don't lie to me.”
“That's not what I'm saying Jason”, he goes lower, a little softer in tone. “You don't think this will benefit you?”
“Here's what I think”, quite contrary to Bruce, Jason's voice rises. His hands now balled into fists at his sides. “I think you're making excuses, keeping me in the dark and making me into some ‘man in the chair’. You never had plans to make me Robin.”
“That's not true-”
“I said don't lie to me!”, it clicks when Jason's voice reverberates. Cracking at the edges. This is about something else. “Two months. You lied to me to keep me. How easy was it huh? To play with some street kid?”
Bruce pauses. Decides to let a moment pass, before gathering himself and speaking again, “Can you tell me why you think I lied to ‘keep’ you?”
“Fuck you. Do you know how long I was out there, do you have any idea how I-”, his voice cracks and Jason takes a second to swallow it down. “Of course you don't. I've been on my own. I've dealt with worse. I survived. You think I'm scared to do that again?”
“Jay, the whole point of this setting is so you never have to do that again”, Bruce tries to keep his voice calm and something similar hits the spot. He recognises it as how he's often spoken to scared civilians. To hostages. The voice he uses when he thinks he's dealing with something fragile. He regrets it. He knows Jason is not going to appreciate that and the boy is too perceptive to identify it.
Bruce sees the exact second Jason snaps. Bruce takes a step forward and Jason takes one back. Then he starts pacing. Hands that had been crossed in front of him starting to dig into his arms. Bruce notices.
“Don't you dare talk to me like that”, his voice shaking. “That's not… Fuck you! I don't need this… this setting. That's what I've been all along, huh? Some broken thing that you have to handle with kid gloves and baby proof every step. I don't need it! I don't need your pity, I don't need your fucking charity. You're like them. You're like all of them. I-”, his pacing soon had his hands in his hair and Jason had started tugging, fingers wrapped around curly locks and pulling tight.
“Jason you need to calm down”, yet again, the second the words left his mouth, Bruce knew it was the wrong thing to say.
“Stop fucking telling me to calm down”, he's screaming. Bruce watches as Jason continues tearing at his hair and takes another step forward. That sets things off. Jason is spiraling and only seconds away from crisis and the second he sees Bruce take another step, he shouts. “NO! I'm so stupid. I'm so fucking stupid”, Jason hits his head with his fists, hard, and pulls again. “Why would you want me. I'm just some fucking pity project!”
“No, Jay-”
“Why did you want me?! Not for Robin then what the fuck for?”, his voice is hoarse now, Bruce sees how his chest is heaving and his face is red, tears brimming his eyes. His brain is racking, what went wrong, what triggered this, what happened. Not now. Not the time. Avert the crisis first. Jason was hurting himself.
“Jason”, another cautious step.
Not cautious enough. Not for Jason, who is now screaming like he's racking up a storm inside. And he might as well be. He's trembling. He's losing control. And Bruce is dumbfounded. Then Jason sobs and screams again, he fists his hands and-
With another step, Bruce is right there. Grabbing hold of his wrist and pulling it away, then his other arm and pulling it away too from his hair. He tries to keep himself gentle but that doesn't work, Jason pulls back.
Jason is in full blown crisis now. And Bruce's body goes into autopilot. He reminds himself it's not him. It's not him Jason is seeing right now. It's not him Jason is fighting, not really. He has to keep reminding himself as his hands work to get ahold of Jason. This time when Jason pulls, Bruce doesn't let go. Jason's knees give out and for a while Bruce is holding him up until he gets on his level, both of them now on the ground. Once he's got both his arms, he moves around Jason, grabbing him in what looks like a bear hug. Bruce's arms doing most of his job as he pulls Jason's back against his chest. Jason squirms, screaming to let go and Bruce yet again has to remind himself. He needs to do this. This isn't restraint. This is containment. He can't let Jason hurt himself. Won't.
Jason screams. No longer words, just a guttural sound; raw and wounded. He thrashes. Bruce keeps his hold on his arms. He kicks. Bruce traps his legs with his own. He tries to throw his head back into Bruce's face. Bruce absorbs it, holds steady, doesn't let go.
“Breathe, Jay. I've got you”, Bruce says, his voice low and steady in Jason's ears as he tries his best to keep his own breathing under control. “You're safe. You're okay. Just breathe. You can do it.”
“I hate you," Jason sobs. "I fucking hate you, I hate you-"
"I know. It's okay. You can hate me. Just breathe."
"Get off me-"
"I can't. I can't let go yet. You're not safe yet."
"Let go", his breath catches at the end and Jason lets out a cough. Sharp inhales as he mutters, still squirming, “I hate you.”
"It's okay. It will be okay, Jason. Just breathe. Just breathe with me.”
Bruce can feel the way Jason's body is shaking against his. Few things happen in an order. His brain prompts a realization. He was not prepared for how small Jason feels, practically tiny. His eyes blur so suddenly, he has to blink a few times. Jason, a child. His child. His brain prompts another realization. His chin hurts, pain that is reverberating through his lower teeth too.
Jason hasn't stopped crying. But eventually, the fight goes out of him. His resistance fades to exhaustion and Bruce feels the moment his body goes slack against him despite the remaining tension. He's still sobbing, inhaling shaky breaths but it's quiet now. The kind of sobbing after a crying spell when one is still being racked by it. The kind of crying that's been held in for too long. Bruce shifts them both so they're sitting against the wall, Jason still wrapped in his arms, leaning back against Bruce's chest.
He doesn't let go. Not yet. Minutes pass. Maybe ten. Maybe twenty. Who's even keeping count. Bruce just holds on. Part of him wonders if it's because he needs it too. Jason hasn't said anything either but the boy just went a losing round with himself. Bruce starts crossing off a mental checklist. Jason's breath has steadied. He's not fighting anymore, at least not physically. He's just… in all honesty, Bruce is scared to let go. Jason is limp, almost too limp, his full weight on Bruce.
He was hitting his head, Bruce remembers. He should check him. Bruce slowly, carefully, loosens his grip, not letting go completely like he's testing how Jason is going to respond.
"Jason," he says, quiet and careful. "I'm going to let go now. But I'm right here. Okay?"
Jason doesn't answer. When Bruce removes his arms, Jason remains as he was. His back on Bruce's chest. Their breaths in sync. Bruce lets him be. Lets him stay. He doesn't push for a response, not what Jason needs right now. Patience. Presence. That's what he needs.
And warmth, Jason is shaking.
“Jay? Let us get out of the cave, okay lad?”
Silence.
“Can I carry you?”
Just when Bruce starts getting worried about Jason's unresponsiveness, Jason nods. A slight blink-and-you'd-miss movement.
Bruce gently pulls Jason in again, picking him up with both his hands under Jason's arms. They're chest to chest now and as soon as Jason hits Bruce's shoulders, he leans in, head finding its way in Bruce's neck. Jason's curls tickle Bruce's jaw and Bruce can't help but smile. His boy. He runs his hand through Jason's hair, picking him all the way up and making his way towards the stairs back into the manor, another flight and into the library.
Jason's on the sun couch, wrapped in a weighted blanket, red rimmed eyes staring into the distance. Bruce is seated on the floor, hand on the sun couch, within reach and unable to look away from Jason. Alfred had come in a few minutes after Bruce had settled Jason, two cups of hot chocolate in hand. Two cups that sit right now across the table, being paid no mind.
Bruce's relief is immediate when Jason opens his mouth, draws in a breath to say something. “I'm sorry”, it's the smallest Jason had ever sounded and Bruce can't help but wince at the ruggedness in his voice. Bruce doesn't take his eyes off.
“It's not your fault, Jay.”
“But it is”, Jason shifts, pulling the weighted blanket tighter, laying his head on his knees, his eyes screwed shut. His head must hurt, Bruce thinks to himself. “It is my fault, I… I lost it. And I hit you-” his breath catches and he tries again, “I said horrible things to you-”, the sob tears out and Bruce can see the way Jason's shoulders pull in. See the way he's making himself small. Like he expects reprimand. Punishment.
Bruce exhales deeply and shifts just a tiny bit closer. “Jay, can you look at me?” Silence lingers. Jason doesn't move for a long time. Bruce waits. Until Jason does look up, teary cheeked and a soft shaky inhale.
“Can I check your head? Just to make sure”, Bruce asks, gentle but a bit firm.
“But I…”
“We will talk. A lot. I promise. Let me do this first?”, Bruce gets up, walking over to turn on the head lights which makes Jason flinch. “Let me make sure you're okay.”
Jason nods, sitting up but still wrapped in the blanket. Bruce runs his hands through Jason's scalp, feeling for any swells or bumps. He feels slight dampness and pulls away to find a smidge of blood. He checks the area again to find three digs on the skin, Jason had scratched hard enough to draw blood. It was mostly dried now but Bruce still wanted to do something about it.
“I'm gonna get the first aid kit. Nothing serious, just some tiny scratches, I would feel better if there's some antiseptic on them.”
Jason doesn't say anything, simply nods. Bruce is there within seconds, applying small swatches on the wound. His throat works and he tells himself not right now. Not what Jason needs right now. He has all the time to wallow in the guilt coming from all directions.
“I'm sorry”, he hears again and represses the urge to pull Jason into a hug, to put a kiss on his forehead.
This time he shifts tactics, he doesn't deny it, doesn’t tell Jason not to apologize or feel sorry. Instead he asks, “Do you know what just happened, Jason?”
“I just… flipped? Like I am, I don't know”, Jason swallows, then clears his throat and starts again, “I felt… I'm sorry, I couldn't stop.”
“That's okay, Jay.”
“No it's not. Why are you-”, Jason's voice reaches a certain high before he stops himself. Then speaks again, almost whispering this time, “Why are you lying?”
Bruce puts away the cream in the box, placing it under the sun couch. He runs his hand through the other side of Jason's head. Watches as Jason ever so slightly leans into the touch. “I'm not lying Jay, it really isn't your fault.”
“Still it's not okay”, Jason's eyes filled as he points at Bruce's chin. “I hurt you. I did that.”
“You and I both know I've had worse”, an attempt at a joke that doesn't land when Jason's face crumbles. “Jaylad, listen to me. What happened just now? Is not on you. You were overwhelmed. Dysregulated. Everything that followed was survival. You’re right. It’s not okay but there’s a difference in taking responsibility and taking blame. And you are not to blame.”
They both sit in silence, Bruce allowing some so the words wash over Jason, seep into his thoughts. Truly solidify that it’s anything but his fault.
"Is that… what you're gonna do now?" Jason asks, his voice flat. "Every time I… I mean, I don't know but I think this has happened before, it feels the same. So there might be a next time? And then every time I lose it, you're gonna-" He gestures vaguely. "Hold me down?"
Bruce is quiet for a moment. Then he says, "I don't want to hold you down. I want to keep you safe." I need to keep you safe.
“Well, how's it any different?”
“Jay, what I did was not a punishment or restraint. You were hurting yourself, lad. You were hitting yourself in the head. I couldn't let you do that. That's what a safety hold is… it's a last resort. Always. You needed-”, Bruce backtracks, realizing Jason could take this the wrong way. He starts again, “Think of it as a way of saying 'I won't let you hurt yourself until you're able to stop on your own.'"
Bruce watches as Jason's jaw tightens, working on the seams, clenching and unclenching, "I wasn't going to-”
"Stop. Don't lie to me." Bruce's voice is firm, but not even slightly angry. He's constantly battling to keep himself as neutral as possible. "You were hitting yourself. You were trying to hurt yourself. I was there and I'm not going to pretend I don't know.”
Jason looks away, a tiny shudder passes through his body. Bruce remains silent, lets a moment pass, then asks, “You mentioned this ‘feels the same’, has happened before… Can you tell me about that?”
He can see Jason thinking. See the way his hunched shoulders relay the defensiveness and the shame. He wants to shake it away. Wants to hold this kid but this time just to be there. “Sometimes… it gets too much. And I can't stop”, Jason says. “Nothing helps and I feel out of control. Everything… its like everything intensifies.” Jason then eyes Bruce as if calculating where to go from here. Like he wants to say something but doesn't know how much coming from him is acceptable.
Jason's voice is barely a whisper. "It's like... there's this thing inside my head. And it's screaming. And I can't make it stop. So I try to…”, another glance at Bruce, sparing a second before turning back to face down, “...I try to make it hurt, so I can focus on something else, I guess. Something I can control."
Bruce, despite a million different things running through his brain, nods slowly. "That's one way of coping. It's not a good way. But I understand why you do it."
"You do?”
Bruce nods again, “I do. I used to-" He stops. Hesitation catches at his throat. Then he thinks about the kid in front of him, screaming for somebody to hear, anybody. He needs to open up to allow that trust to flourish. It is a two way street afterall. So, with visible effort, he continues. "When I was young. After my parents died. I used to... do things like that. Try to find control. Try to make the pain physical so I could fight it."
Jason stares at him, his eyes wide. It's the first time Bruce has shared something like this. Something personal. Something real.
“Anyone… ever hold you? Like this?”
Bruce swallows a knot in his throat, working his way for an answer.
“No, lad. No one was around”, he tries to ignore the crack around his words. Everything in Bruce seemed to be working against him as his vision blurred again and he blinked away. The fact that he even had to hold Jason to stop him from hurting himself was still running laps around his head. That hot chocolate on the table sounds real nice right now. And not talking about anything. Ever.
Jason, as if having read his mind, moved out of the blanket and walked over to the table, grabbing both the cups. He walked back and handed one to Bruce who took it from him, letting the kid sit next to him on the floor.
“Then how did you know about this?”
“I have been doing more than just reading parenting books.”
Jason snorts, a bit watery but it's there and a smile takes shape on Bruce’s lips as well.
"Jay." Bruce's voice softens. "I won’t have all the answers, not all the time. I don't know how to..”, he pauses and as if for effect, as if he needs to, he turns and faces Jason, eyes intent on his. “I don't know how to help you. But I want to. I want to learn. So what you were telling me just now? I need you to tell me everytime. When it gets too loud, when you feel like you're about to lose control, I need you to tell me. So we find a better way. A safer way."
Jason doesn’t say anything, turning away to look down at his hot chocolate, biting at the insides of his cheeks.
“We will talk more, okay? I know you’re tired. Maybe after sometime, we will have a debrief. I have something in mind that can help us. So we will come back to this, okay?”
Jason's lip trembles but he manages a nod. Bruce smiles at him, hand finding its way back into Jason’s hair as he ruffles it gently. Rubbing his thumb along Jason’s hairline.
"We can figure it out. Together."
Later that night, after dinner had been sorted, Bruce was in his study when a steady knock on the door pulled him out of focus.
“Yes?”
A soft creak and Jason's head peeked out from the opening, looking around the study to get a read on the situation. He's got one hand on the door and the other holding the blanket at his collar. Bruce had told him a bit of sensory coping and how tactility can help, Jason agreed that the weight was comforting and since then seemed to be trailing the blanket along. Bruce shut his book and placed it on the side table, sitting up and sending a half smile Jason's way.
“Hey”, Jason entered, “whats up?”
Bruce beckoned Jason and patted on the space in front of him on the bed. Jason left the door slightly ajar, walking in and sitting across Bruce. “Just… reading. Why do you ask?”
Jason pulled the blanket around and crossed his legs under it. He didn't say anything for a while and then glanced at Bruce, his words soft and shy, “Can I ask you something?”
Bruce nodded almost immediately.
“Did you hate it?”, after a short pause, he adds even softer, “holding me like that?”
“No. Jay, no”, Bruce moved forward, hands outstretched. “Can I…?”, and gestured at Jason, his shoulders with his palm hovering. Jason nods and Bruce shifts, moving his arm across and pulling Jason in a side hug. “It wasn't pleasant. And it was hard… to see you hurt. It's what felt necessary in the moment.”
Bruce couldn't fully see Jason's expression with his face turned down but could see the way his eyebrows scrunched. He sighed, rubbing Jason's arm, where he had been holding him.
“Was it scary?”
And Bruce takes a deep breath. Without realizing he's pulled Jason closer and Jason had let him, his head a gentle weight on Bruce's right ribs. “Yes, Jay. It was scary.”
“Am I…”, Jason starts but his voice cracks like giving out. Like scared of voicing something he's made sure of in his mind. Bruce feels him shake his head as if trying to dislodge the thought from his brain itself. “Is something wrong with me?”
“Jay…”, Bruce feels Jason's shoulders start to shake and hot wetness slowly seeping through his shirt where Jason had rested his head. He rubs his arms more firmly. He uses his other arm to pull Jason even further and decides fuck it. Takes the moment. Kisses him on his head, his curls soft on his face, the smell of bergamot heavy on his nose. “I need you to listen to me, okay lad? You've been through more than most people I know and still one of the gentlest, kindest soul I've met. Do you know how powerful that is?”
Jason sobs audibly and begins shaking his head no.
“No, just listen to what I have to say first okay? What happened, as an adult, it's my responsibility to keep you safe. That's all that was. Not a restraint. Not a punishment. Not proof of something being wrong with you. Just a tool. To keep you safe.”
“So…”, Jason inhales deeply before starting again, “so I'm not crazy?”
“You had a moment. You were overwhelmed. You were struggling to regulate. And you came back under control. You did that, Jay. Not me. You regulated yourself even if it was the hold that helped.”
Jason processes this, it takes a while. Bruce keeps his grip, his weight, his breath, all the same. Patience. Presence. After a while Jason asks, “And what's next? What if this happens again?”, Jason pulls away slightly to look up at Bruce who meets him just the same.
“Well aren't I glad you asked”, Bruce says, running his hand through Jason's head then pulling away to take out his laptop. He settles and opens the laptop to a file under the medical drive. Jason reads.
NAME: Jason Peter Todd.
FILE: Prevention and intervention
TYPE: Comprehensive Care & Crisis Plan
STATUS: (draft) Active - Living Document
PRIMARY CONTACT: Bruce Wayne
SECONDARY: Alfred Pennyworth
TERTIARY: Richard Grayson
“Dick? You're gonna tell him about this?”
“I just put him there but I was going to ask you. Would you like me to take him out?”
Jason shrugged, “No, it's fine.”
“Regardless. I was going to share it with him. He needs to be aware of this, he's a part of your life.”
“Sure. Whatever.”
NOTES: Subject to revision
I. Prevention:
- (To be added after discussion with Jason)
“Discussion? About what?”
“Well, prevention is more about identifying triggers and warning signs. We need to be aware of those to be able to provide timely support. Anything you wanna add to this now?”
“I don't know”, Jason turns the laptop towards himself and stares at the screen with such concentration. “Like… what exactly?”
“Like today, were there any warning signs?”, Bruce says. “How were you feeling all day?”
Jason sighs, “All over the place really. I… It's this feeling like I'm looking for a fight. But I don't want to. Like my body can't tell the difference. You know?”, he looks at Bruce with a pause. “I… I cried in the shower for no reason. I felt…”
“Overwhelmed?”
Jason nods then adds, “but… it's more than that. It's like… if I have one negative thought it intensifies and takes up all the space in my head. And everything feels like… I don't know.”
“Jay, is Robin a trigger?”
“What?! No!”, and as if realizing it as another outburst, Jason folds himself in and repeats softer this time, “no. It's not… it's not that.”
“Be honest with me. It won't affect my decision making, if that's what's stopping you. This is more important.”
“I keep feeling like… it's stupid but it's like… look at you. Look at all this. And I'm just some”, Jason clenches his fists, Bruce can see his nails digging. He's about to intervene when Jason lets go. Glances at Bruce then wraps himself tighter in the blanket. “You won't get it anyways. It's stupid.”
“Why did you want me.”
“What?”
“That's what you asked me. Before. Why did you want me. If not for Robin, then why.”
Jason doesn't say anything, choosing silence over anything else. Choosing silence because anything else would be too hard to handle.
“Jay. Do you think I took you in only to train you and make you Robin?”, Bruce asked, with serious sincerity. “That I would have no reason to have you around if you aren't?”
Yet again, silence. For a moment, Bruce is scared Jason had shut down. Maybe it wasn't the right time. Then, “...I gotta have some use.”
“Use?”, Bruce's tone shifts and he pulls back. He must look as incredulous as he sounds because Jason pulls back too.
“I knew it. I knew you'd think it's stupid”, he says with his head in his hands. It's so muffled yet sounds so tired. Bruce sighs, composing himself and using his words with precision.
“No. It's not stupid. The fact of the matter is that you feel that way. We will work on that”, Bruce looks back at the laptop screen, then over at Jason. “Lad, you're going to be my son. On paper. But to me? You've been my son since the day you agreed to the adoption. You've belonged here since the night I took you in. This isn't a transaction. You don't believe me now, you might find it hard to. But I'll say it as many times as I need to. You're my son.”
Bruce watches as Jason continues looking down at his hands, not making a move, not daring to. He watches as a few drops land on his hands and Jason quickly rubs at his eyes, his cheeks and takes a shaky breath.
“Jay…”
“What else is there?”
“We can come back to this later.”
“No”, Jason puts both his palms on his eyes, maintaining it for a moment while taking a deep breath. Then he rubs them away, rubs at his whole face and looks up at Bruce, eyes still red rimmed but face oddly determined. “I'd rather we do it now.”
Bruce nods, pulling the laptop back in front of them and watches Jason. “Okay well, I did have some ideas for Prevention. Things like sleep, meals and mood tracker. You don't have to agree now, if you need some time to think.”
“I mean, I'm already on the meal tracker… might as well I guess.”
“Still… we will add that once you've thought about it. Which brings me to another thing I need you to think about.”
“...which is?”, Jason prompts.
“We find you a therapist.”
Jason laughs. A loud mirthless guffaw which seems in line with what Bruce had been expecting.
“Jaylad, I'm not going to push you if you really don't want to but I think this can make a substantial difference.”
Jason shakes his head. “What makes you think I'll be able to talk about any of this when I can't even say half the things to you.”
“Because its diff-”
“And don't even get me started on how badly you need it.”
“I-”, Bruce cuts himself off, his own voice dying in his throat. He knew this would come up. He knew Jason would think him a hypocrite. And isn't he one? “Okay, can we agree to something then? Mutually?”
“Depends on what it is.”
“We work on this… protocol. Together. And we implement it. We revise it. Whatever it takes. But if it isn't helping. If I'm not helping… we find someone more equipped who can. Deal?”
Jason shrugs, not looking away from the screen. Bruce types identify triggers over time and scrolls.
Bruce (as primary carer) will:
- Monitor Jason for signs of distress (changes in appetite, sleep, mood, or behavior).
- Make himself available for check-ins.
- Not take anger personally.
- Maintain a safe environment (avoiding known triggers where possible).
“So just you?”
“And maybe Alfred, maybe Dick, anyone you're comfortable with knowing about this protocol.”
“And if I'm not?”
“Then you're not. It's your choice. But this is temporary, I need you to know that. This is only until we've built healthy coping mechanisms and worked on dysregulation”, Jason doesn't look convinced, contemplating as he's picking at his lower lips. Bruce pulls his hand away from his mouth. “This isn't forever, Jaylad.”
They're quiet for a while. Bruce scrolls.
II. Early Warning Signs
It is divided into two parts, a tabular form - Physical and Emotional. “Anything you wanna add here?”, Bruce asks.
Jason takes the laptop and starts typing, pauses in between, legs swinging rhythmically. Bruce watches. Then Jason passes the laptop back to him.
Physical:
- Racing heart
- Cold hands
- Trembling
- Pressure in chest or head
- Heavy throat… whole body?
Emotional:
- Irritability
- Intense…? everything.
- Feeling "wrong" or "bad"
- Urge to…
“Jay…?”
Jason clicks his tongue and just shrugs. “I don't know how to describe it. It's multiple urges. To not be there, to not be seen, to stop…”, then quieter, “It's… a lot.”
“That's okay. We'll figure it out as we go. Should we move on to things you can do? I've written some, but you can remove or add anything.”
Jason reads.
III. (When Jason can ask)
If Jason notices early warning signs, he can:
Ask for a hold. Options include:
- Full hold: Wrapping arms around Jason, front-to-front or back-to-chest.
- Shoulder hold: A hand on Jason's shoulder or back.
- (Optional : practice holds for Jason to recognize what helps and what doesn't)
(Pressure, heavy weight, presence)
Grounding techniques:
- Explore with Jason. List by effectiveness
Remove himself from the situation:
- Go to a safe space (some identified: his room, the library, the Batmobile).
- Engage in a safe activity (reading, music, drawing).
Use breathing exercises:
- Square breathing: In (4), hold (4), out (4), hold (4).
- Counted breathing: In for 4, out for 6.
Call Bruce.
“Isn't this a bit much?”
“What part feels like much?”, Bruce asks.
“I don't know if grounding techniques even help.”
“They do when used at the right time. Besides it's about exploring which ones work for you.”
Jason is quiet for some time, eyes once again intent on the screen. “And I can call you? Anytime?”
“Anytime.”
“...W.E. meetings?”
“Anytime, Jay.”
“...even Batman stuff?”
“I will see what I can do in my capacity but yes Jason. Anytime. This is more important to me, okay? You are more important. I can't promise to always be there but there's Alfred, there's Dick. They'd always be willing if you allow them.”
“If I can't ask?”
Bruce scrolls to the next segment, and turns towards Jason who once again, reads.
III. (When Jason Can't Ask)
THE SAFETY HOLD PROTOCOL
If Jason is hurting himself or is in danger of hurting himself:
Authorized : Bruce Wayne
Pending : Alfred Pennyworth, Richard Grayson.
- Identify self and location. (Linking reality)
- Continue to speak in a low, calm voice. Do not panic.
- Use a safety hold with only the force necessary to prevent self-harm.
- Avoid if possible: Restraining Jason against a wall or floor. This is triggering.
“How… How do you…?”
“Our training sessions. I can… I try to be careful. There's been moments I've noticed”, Bruce leaves it at that. Jason just nods, goes back to the list.
5. Grounding phrases can be helpful and tethering.
6. Jason will be held until regulated (check list: able to stop hurting himself, able to communicate, breathing normally)
IV. After an episode + debrief
- Allow space and silence. Don't leave Jason alone.
- Ask before initiating anything
- Offer water, tea (hot chocolate is a safe bet)
- (A debrief if Jason is able) discuss what triggered the episode.
- Review and revise.
VII. ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
- Weighted blanket (Jason's room)
- Ice cubes (kitchen freezer)
- Noise-canceling headphones (TBO)
- Alfred to be informed so he can assist if Bruce is unavailable.
- Dick to be briefed on basic protocol.
“This is…”, Jason starts. “It feels like too much.”
“Jay-”
“No, I meant… it's… all this for me, its just…”
Bruce's face softens. For the umpteenth time that day, without realizing, he runs his hand along Jason's hair, pushing some strands away from his eyes. “Yes. For you. Who is my son. Who has some needs I want to provide for. I don't want this to catch anyone off guard and make things worse for you.”
“I don't like this. I know… I know you're trying to help but this makes me feel like…”, Jason sighs and doesn't elaborate. Bruce nudges him but yet again, just a click of his tongue and a silence that follows.
“You need to help me understand, Jason. You can tell me”, Bruce tries again.
Jason is quiet for a long time and Bruce sits right there with him, patient. He watches Jason as his gaze moves around the study, taking in its details as he's done many times before. He watches as his fingers trace the rim of the blanket. When he finally speaks, his voice is small and raw.
"I don't know how to be around people," he says. "I don't know how to... not be angry. Not be scared. Every time someone gets close, I just… I know what you said and I want to believe you but I think there's something wrong with me. I make people leave. Only a matter of time before…”
When Jason is quiet for some time, Bruce fills it in for him. “Before I leave?”
Jason nods, slightly. Almost nonexistent.
“Then I want you to give it your best shot.”
Jason looks up at Bruce, confusion written all over his face. “What?”
“You know… give it your best shot. I'm not going to leave”, Bruce says with a soft lop sided smile, sincerity mingling with playfulness. He's breaching something he has never before. He doesn't know how Jason is going to respond. If he will take offense to it or if Bruce has actually successfully managed to meet Jason where he is. Where he needs him to be.
Jason, to his surprise, stifles a laugh. “You're crazy.”
“I still mean it, lad”, Bruce places his hand back on Jason's shoulder and pulls him in, and Jason leans his weight without much thought. “You can push me away. You can hate me. You can scream at me. I'm still going to be here. I'm not going anywhere.”
“You're not going anywhere”, Jason repeats, as if taking note. As if registering it, allowing it to steep, steady.
“I'm not going anywhere”, Bruce promises.
And a promise it is, when later that night, or early morning depending on who's talking, Bruce goes through the protocol over and over again. Needing it to be perfect, knowing in his heart it's not even close, not without all the trials and tribulations coming their way. But they had it. Bruce promised together they would figure it out and it's the easiest it has ever felt because its Jason and no matter how long it takes, Bruce will get it right. No matter what it takes.