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"Hello Hat Guy."
Wanderer glances behind him and finds Columbina standing behind him, Lauma not to far behind her.
" Hi. " He dips his head slightly.
"I wasn't expecting you here." Columbina tilts her head slightly. " Still it's nice to see you again. "
"If I had my way I wouldn't be here." Wanderer tells her flatly.
"Really?" Columbina asks in than light, easy tone that she always seems to uphold. "I was told it's quite the prestigious thing. Six Archons and a Moon Goddess."
"Who are you here with Mr..." Lauma trails off after a moment, waiting for him to give them his 'real' name, seeing as the circumstance seems to call for seriousness and professionalism.
"Hat Guy." Wanderer finishes for her. "I'm just a spectator."
Columbina hums. "No one is here as a spectator. This is the Gods and their right hands."
" I like to think of Hat Guy as my left hand. " Nahida's voice pipes up cheerfully. "Closer to my heart."
Lauma seems thoroughly caught off guard by this.
Columbina just asks, "Lesser Lord Kusanali?"
" Nahida will do. " Nahida takes Wanderer's hand in her own. "But that is one of my names. Everyone is gathering around the table now. I know I'd like Hat Guy to be there, and I think the Trilunar Goddess's presence is highly anticipated."
Wanderer reaches up with his free hand to adjust his hat. "Lead the way."
It's quite the picture.
The pairings are almost laughable in some cases, though others do seem to make some nature of sense.
Mondstadt's Archon and accompanying 'right hand' are both, to no one's surprise, in possession of alcohol.
Wanderer already knows Varka, (He wishes he didn't), and the supposed god introduces himself as Venti, who ends his introduction by thanking Barbatos, himself, for the good weather.
Figures.
Liyue's representatives are an odd trio. A boy with an Anemo vision who looks like he wants to die is seated next to a girl with a Pyro vision who keeps humming the same tune and occasionally saying something about 'silly hillichurls'.
The most bizarre thing is that since the table is set for 14 people, not 15, the Geo Archon has taken it upon himself to stand behind the two's seats like some kind of overbearing father.
The girl introduces them as, "Hu Tao of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, just let me know if you need someone buried!" " Xiao, don't worry he's only a little grumpy today. " and "And Zhongli my Consultant!"
Nahida is trying her best not to laugh in her seat.
Wanderer has to agree with the sentiment.
One of the oldest gods with the most kills in the Archon war is currently the Consultant to a funeral parlor run by a potential murder enthusiast.
Inazuma is unsurprisingly quick to cut to the chase. "Raiden Ei. This is Kujou Sara."
Sara dips her head.
She is also noticeably not sitting, and Venti is actively using her chair as a footrest.
Nahida turns to look at Wanderer pointedly.
He hands her a singular mora.
Neither of them have any use for mora, it's honestly just symbolic at this point.
Today it's a symbol of Nahida's victory in a bet.
Ei had not brought Yae Miko to the meeting. She was right.
It's the stupid fucking tree is what it is.
Once she has her single victory mora, she pats his cheek affectionately before turning back to the extremely confused table. "I'm Nahida! Lesser Lord Kusanali, Buer, whatever you like! Goddess of Wisdom. And this is Hat Guy!"
Wanderer lifts his hand and gives a half assed wave.
"Hat...Guy?" Ei asks slowly as Venti falls out of his chair from laughing so hard.
"Hat Guy." Wanderer agrees.
Nahida giggles.
"...So is this like a real thing or?" The Natlanese woman with a geo vision asks from the other side of the table.
" Yep. " Wanderer drums his fingers in the table, bored. "Ask anyone you like. Hell ask that drunkard over there."
He jabs his thumb at Varka who nods solemly. "Just Hat Guy. Or Mom."
"No one calls me that." Wanderer rolls his eyes.
"Ehhhh..." Nahida shrugs.
" ...Anymore. " Wanderer amends.
Venti falls out of his chair again.
The only thing that makes this situation worth it is how off put Ei looks about the whole thing, and how Kujou Sara seems very uncomfortable at the lack of general professionalism amongst to other gods.
Barbatos brought himself and a second drunkard, both obviously under the influence.
Morax brought his boss and his emo son.
Buer brought her emo son.
No one is taking this seriously.
The Fontainian representative decided to take her turn now "I'm Furina! And this is Neuvillette! He's our Chief Justice and Dragon Sovereign!"
"So your are Focalors?" Zhongli asks. " the Archon? "
"Nope!" Furina says cheerfully. "Just Furina. "
"...So you didn't bring your archon." Xiao says slowly.
" We don't have one of those. " Furina shrugs.
Zhongli looks over at Neuvilette, who just nods.
He seems to give up on trying to figure out what's going on. "Alright then."
Sara just looks at Ei in confusion, and even the Archon herself doesn't know what to make of that.
This is an Inazuman nightmare.
Wanderer is enjoying this too much.
"Sup!" The woman who is beyond a shadow of a doubt the Pyro Archon stands up from her seat. " I'm Mavuika! Archon of Natlan, former holder of the Pyro Gnosis-"
"Former?" Columbina asks, confused. " I thought you were the last nation to still have one. "
"It's Sumeru's now." Mavuika shrugs.
Eyes flit back to Nahida and Wanderer.
Nahida waves cheerfully. "Hi!"
Wanderer nods solemly. "Can confirm."
" Yeah that's your Pyro Archon now. " Mavuika agrees gesturing to Nahida. "Anyway, with me today is Xilonen. One of our war heroes and best blacksmith! "
The woman next to her gives a wave with about no effort in it. "Hey."
" Yeah she's great." Mavuika suddenly gets up and offers Hu Tao a fist bump. "Pyro supremacy!"
Hu Tao eagerly returns it. "Woo!"
" Hey! " Venti interupts. "This table is more than 20% Anemo!"
He points to Xiao, Varka, Wanderer, and then himself . "Boom!"
"Leave me out of this." Wanderer mutters.
" Aww boo. " Venti frowns. "C'mon don't you want to show them that we're the best element?"
"Yeah I don't think we're winning that competition." Xiao says under his breath.
" No fun. " Venti sighs. "You guys are no fun."
" How about our resident Moon Goddess? " Neuvilette asks kindly, giving Lauma and Columbina a chance to speak.
Neither of them do for half a second before Lauma clears her throat and says, "This is Kuutar. The Trilunar Goddess. Though please refer to her as Columbina."
Columbina waves cheerfully. "Hello."
" And I am Lauma. " Lauma bows her head respectfully.
"She's a moon chanter." Columbina explains. " Very important. "
"Well now that we're all introduced!" Nahida claps her hands. "How are we all doing?"
"Horrible. There's a wine shortage." Venti sighs dramatically.
"...In Mondstadt." Kujou Sara says slowly. "There's a wine shortage in Mondstadt. During grape season."
"Well maybe shortage isn't the right word." Varka considers this. " I would say we cannot currently acquire wine is better phrasing. "
" That sounds like a shortage. " Mavuika notes. "In which case, RIP Mondstadt, sucks to suck, would hate to be them right now."
Xilonen just sighs and shakes her head while Hu Tao doesn't even try to suppress her giggling.
" It is not a shortage if they have the product in question and just do not wish to provide you with it. " Zhongli explains solemnly. "Better wording would be to say that you are facing the consequences of your actions."
"How could he? I didn't do anything to deserve having to face such horrible crimes against me. Right Xiao?" The anemo god turns to look at the yaksha expectantly.
" I don't know you. " Xiao deadpans.
"Centuries of friendship and this is what I get?" Venti flops back into his seat dramatically. " The horror. "
"Please stop talking." Xiao mutters.
"Abandoned by my own flesh and blood!"
"We are not related."
" Betrayal... "
"Get help."
"...So what exactly happened?" Lauma asks carefully.
" Drama queen over here- no that's not a compliment don't pose- got himself and a few others kicked out of their preferred bar until further notice. " Wanderer rests his chin on his hand. "And he's allergic to cats so he doesn't have other options."
" ...And this is related to politics how? " Kujou Sara asks.
"Who told you that?!?" Venti demands, directing the question at Wanderer. " Your son!? "
"He's not my son! And leave him out of this!" Wanderer protests indignantly.
"Ooohh mama's angryyyy." Hu Tao stage whispers to Xiao who just closes his eyes tiredly and declares, " This is hell. "
"Oh my bad." Venti raises his hands in mock surrender. "The zero year old you rescued and have been co-parenting for the past year or so."
"He's not our son! " Wanderer slams his hand on the table.
"You know what? I don't care who told you or what your relationship to them is!" Venti stands up and also slams his hands on the table dramatically. " I want it on record that Kaeya got himself kicked out! Not my fault! "
"Me getting kicked out was your fault." Varka pipes up.
" Yeah that's true. " Venti sits back down in his seat cheerfully. "Nice work everyone that was fun."
Furina offers a giggle and half a smattering of applause.
" For who? " Xiao demands.
"Next order of buisness!" Venti claps his hands together. "Getting me more alcohol. Whatcha got there Hydro man?"
Neuvillette, who is indeed drinking something out of a goblet, takes a sip and deadpans. "Water."
A long silence.
"Yeah so I don't know what you were expecting." Xilonen mutters.
" He seems very chill for a not drunk dude. " Venti decides.
"The only problem at this table is you."
"Oh!" Venti grins. " I like her. Talk back to the Gods often? "
"Yes."
" Good. Keep at it. We need more Xilonen's around. " Venti kicks his feet up on the table.
"A good few people here have talked back to an Archon." Neuvillette notes. "You did not tell them to keep at it."
" They're different. " Venti waves him off. "They're the boys."
"Never call me that again."
" I don't know him. "
"And also they have my vision so I expect it from them." Venti continues as thought neither of them had spoken. "Sass is part of the anemo mantle. That, or sanity. But guess which one's more fun!"
" ...It's not sanity is it? " Xilonen asks in a deadpan.
"Ding ding ding! It's not! Sanity is boring!"
"You should've killed him in the war." Xiao mutters to Zhongli.
" Well I didn't and the other contender in Mondstadt was a dictator and I think you would have liked him even less. "
"This is meant to be a meeting of political alliance and mural understandings yes?" Raiden interjects. " Not who should have died in the war. "
"Don't know the war lore squad," Mavuika gestures to everyone except Venti, Xiao, Zhongli, and Ei. " UNITE! "
"We want the lore!" Hu Tao chants.
"No you do not." Xiao says firmly.
"Yeah you're right I probably don't." Hu Tao shrugs. "Bet there were more dead people around then though! "
"Don't... say that like it's a good thing." Xiao mutters tiredly.
" Anyway! " Hu Tao claps her hands. "If you were looking for political help, we can't help you! We are not involved with the government at all!"
" Ditto. " Venti raises his hand.
"Not anymore." Furina agrees.
" Do we have a government Lauma? " Columbina asks the Moon Chanter.
"...No." Lauma says after a long moment. "Not really."
"Yikeesssss" Venti makes an over-exagerated wince. "That's four of seven out."
" Hey I'm the Grandmaster! " Varka interjects. "I run Mondstadt!"
" You are a mascot at best and I am not the first person to say that. "
"Right..." Sara says slowly.
"Zhongli has been playing dead for a little while now." Hu Tao explains. " It's okay we've got a lot of badasses running everything now. Our main lady dropped a house on a fish! "
" ...What. " Furina just stares.
"That is not what happened." Xiao deadpans.
" Yeah? What did happen then? " Hu Tao asks teasingly.
"Ningguang used the Jade Pavilion to kill Osail the sea god."
" Yeah. The main lady, Ningguang, dropped the Jade Pavilion, her house, on to Osail. A fish. " Hu Tao grins. "In other news, I think we should have Inazuma and Mondstadt switch archons!"
"...Maybe I was too harsh before. You're an issue too." Xilonen notes.
" No no hear me out. " Hu Tao puts her hand up. "Give the drunkards authority and the rebels freedom."
" ...That sounds like actual hell. " Varka decides.
"Disrespectfully Barbatos," Raiden interjects. "I do not want your children."
"Mhm." Zhongli nods his agreement. " I would rather watch 'the main lady drop a house on a fish' thank you very much. "
"I don't know they seem kinda cool." Mavuika shrugs.
" Shhh I'm not done. " Hu Tao waves her hand for quiet. "Then Sumeru and Natlan switch. They're already on good terms and plus wisdom and that akasha shit has to be good for war right? And then Fontaine and Nod Krai switch because Hydro for Hydro."
" Ah yes true logic. " Wanderer rolls his eyes. "That could never go wrong."
"Thank you!"
" And Liyue? " Kujou Sara asks.
"Ningguang keeps Liyue." Hu Tao declares solemnly. "You'd have to pry it out of her cold dead hands."
" That much is true. " Zhongli agrees.
There's another long silence.
Venti claps his hands happily. "That was a productive meeting!"
" No it wasn't. "
"The word you're looking for is tea party."
" I'm so glad I wasted a part of my non immortal life sitting here. "
"Exactly!" Venti grins and stands up. "Policy, taxes, blah blah. There we were productive!"
" ...Who Exactly did this benefit? " Xilonen asks after a moment.
"No one." Wanderer says flatly. "Literally no one."