Chapter Text
Link to playlist of reference tracks
Oncology’s on-call room is redolent of indifferently disinfected ass.
Still. It’s more likely to be empty than the ED’s. And even with beeping infusion pumps and a droning LINAC across the hall, it’s still quieter than Neurology’s, which shares a wall with an MRI whose RF shielding isn’t soundproof.
Besides, the honest smell of ass with a soupçon of body odor is less headache-inducing than the Orthopedics on-call room, where Brendon Park must’ve spilled an entire bottle of Tuscan Leather at some point, so the whole corridor reeks.
And when he can feel his body metabolizing the last molecules of the adrenaline keeping him upright, he’s not feeling too picky about horizontal surfaces.
Thankfully, the linens are as fresh as they get in this place, and as his aching body melts into the institutional mattress, his last conscious thought is wondering who the fuck in Oncology is playing show tunes and why the music lines up perfectly with the beep of a cardiac monitor…
[House out.]
[Lights up. MICHAEL "ROBBY" ROBINAVICH enters Chairs, which is overflowing with patients, and pauses outside the security door. He takes a sip of coffee and surreptitiously scans the room, sizing up the cases he’ll be overseeing. Music for “Overture” begins and the lights flicker, casting the room in a strange half-light, and indistinct voices begin calling his name.]
VOICES
[overlapping, repeating]
Robby… Robby… Robby… Robby…
Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra…
Robby… Robby… Robby…
Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra…
Robby…
[The lights snap on, and the security door buzzes to admit ROBBY. Music for “Company” begins.]
[The emergency department is a wash of bright lights, accompanied by beeping monitors, blaring alarms, hissing doors, and squeaking shoes. Staff and patients ebb and flow in a complex dance of triage, assessment, evaluation, tests, and treatment.]
[ROBBY steps confidently into the center of it all, letting the chaos rush over him.]
LUPE PRINCESS AHMAD JESSE
Robby! Robby! Dr. Robby… Hiya, Robby…
SAMIRA ANTOINE DANA PERLAH
Robby! Robby, buddy… Hey, cap.. Dr. Robby…
[Overlapping vocatives continue until ROBBY sings]
DANA
Robby, Underwood wants to see you.
MOHAN
Robby, need your eyes in South 20!
SANTOS WHITAKER LANGDON MYRNA
Robby! Robby… Hello, sunshine Hiya, fruitcake…
MCKAY
Robby, meet the people who’re starting today!
SANTOS
New cannon fodder!
MEL
I did detumescences at the VA!
MATEO DONNIE GARCIA GLORIA
Robby… Hey, man… Rabbit Bitch… Dr. Robinavich…
JAVADI
That nun’s eye has gonorrhea.
WHITAKER
Could use some help here?
ANTOINE PRINCESS GARCIA AHMAD MOHAN
Robby… Dr. Robby… Party People… Robby… Robby…
DANA
Robby? Robby! Trauma in five!
GLORIA
All your numbers are down…
DONNIE
Hey man, watch out for the code brown!
PRINCESS
Girl with chin lac’s getting a gown…
PERLAH
Starting enema…
LANGDON WHITAKER MEL KIM DANA
Robby… Dr. Robby… Robby… Dr. Robby… Incoming!
JESSE
Stand-up scooter versus a car door!
SANTOS
Pneumothorax in Trauma 2, it’s gnarly!
MYRNA
Did I hurt your feelings, cocksucker?
JAVADI
That could be considered a hostile comment…
AHMAD LUPE MYRNA ANTOINE MOHAN
Robby… Dr. Robby… Fruitcake… Hey, man… Robby...
SANTOS
I call dibs on putting the next chest tube in!
OGILVIE & KWON
Is it always like this?
WHITAKER
Second pair of scrubs today I’ve had to bin…
SHEN
[on his way out, sipping iced coffee]
Gosh, it’s really quiet!
ALL EXCEPT ROBBY
Hey, I need to get an attending!
Just need a second or two!
Robby, you’re the chief and attending!
Orders are always clear.
How are we doing here?
We neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed you!
ROBBY
Day shift,
Deep breath,
Pitt Emergency!
Big lift,
Cheat death,
Pitt Emergency!
X-rays,
Melees,
MVCs,
Blunt heads,
Full beds,
No time to pee.
Cracked ribs,
Tib fibs,
Ladder falls,
Shit sleep,
Three deep
Gurneys in halls.
These lives…
These lives nearing the grave,
These lives we’re gonna save,
I’ve gotta be brave beside
These well-intended people, my crew,
Who look to me when they don’t know what to do.
And that’s what we’re here to do, isn’t it?
Teamwork and saving some lives!
Let’s save some lives!
JESSE DONNIE LOUIE MATEO KIM
Robby… Hey, man! Hey, doc… Robby… Dr. Robby…
ANTOINE PRINCESS GARCIA AHMAD MOHAN
Robby… Dr. Robby… Party People… Robby… Robby…
DANA
Robby, can you do me a favor?
ROBBY
Name it, Dana.
GLORIA
Robby, budget cannot support that.
ROBBY
Fuck, wow. Really?
STAFF & PATIENTS
[repeating and overlapping as before]
Robby… Dr. Robby… Robby… Hey, doc…
Robby, buddy… Robby… Dr. Robby… Robby…
LANGDON
This guy sealed his rectum up with superglue…
PRINCESS
A bowel obstruction?
ROBBY
Whitaker, your primary assessment?
WHITAKER
Deep penetration?
MCKAY
Pretty sure the kids in Chairs got stomach flu.
ROBBY
Cassie, grab Javadi and emesis basins.
PERLAH, PRINCESS
Robby, pushing Propofol now…
WHITAKER
Bag him, I’ll intubate.
ROBBY
There, the sea of black is the effusion, go in slow!
SANTOS
Got it! I’m gonna aspirate!
STAFF & PATIENTS
[repeating, overlapping]
Robby… Hey, man… Dr.Robby… Hiya, Robby…
Robby… Fruitcake… Michael… Robby…
DANA
Robby, lacs in South twenty-two!
DONNIE
Versus motorboat.
ROBBY
Decent hemostasis in the wounds, now off to scan.
JAVADI
Raney clips are faster than sutures.
GARCIA
Jesus, this is kinda Jurassic Park shit…
STAFF & PATIENTS
[repeating, overlapping]
Robby… Hey, man… Michael… Hiya, Robby…
Robby… Fruitcake… Dr. Robby… Incoming…
MEDIC
Blunt force trauma from an explosion…
MEL
Tender on the sternum, it might be fractured…
WHITAKER
Good lung sliding on the left and on the right!
ROBBY
Princess… Perlah… Whitaker and Santos…. Jesse…. Where is Abbot?
MOHAN & LANGDON
We could help out with this…
MEL
Just for safety we should observe overnight…
MOHAN & LANGDON
Doesn’t he need our hands?
ALL EXCEPT ROBBY
Robby, we could use an attending!
Hope to prevent a SANFU!
Robby, you’re the chair and attending!
We’ve never seen you slip
Trust you to steer the ship,
We neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed you!
We need, we need, we need, we need… [repeat, overlapping]
We neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed you!
ALL
Day shift,
Deep breath,
Pitt Emergency!
Big lift,
Cheat death,
Pitt Emergency!
X-rays,
Melees,
MVCs,
Blunt heads,
Full beds,
No time to pee.
Cracked ribs,
Tib fibs,
Ladder falls,
Shit sleep,
Three deep
Gurneys in halls.
These lives…
These lives nearing the grave,
These lives we’re gonna save,
We gotta be brave among
The well-intended people, your crew,
We look to you to show us what we oughtta do!
And that’s what we’re here to do, isn’t it?
Teamwork and saving some lives!
Isn’t it?
Teamwork and saving some lives!
Saving some lives? ROBBY
[overlapping]
Isn’t it? I just need to
Isn’t’ it? Stop the bleed and
Isn’t it? We agreed you’d
Isn’t it? Take the lead, and
Isn’t it? Pick up speed, don’t
Isn’t it? Fail to read the chart!
ALL
Pitt ED! Pitt ED! Pitt ED!
Pitt Emergency!
Here in Pitt ED!
We are Pitt ED!
Pitt ED!
[Lights out.]