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Soft Brieaphale was having a lovely day. His rind was nice and mouldy—exuding just the slightest hint of must—and Sharp Cheddarly would be arriving any minute now. Just the thought of that made his insides a little more melty.
“Not to be curd,” Cheddarly had texted him. “But I need to see you right away.”
And boy, was Brieaphale delighted at the idea. He put together a platter of crackers and a small selection of pickled vegetables. He played some Mozzartella and sprayed some citrus and pepper perfume on the sofa. He had once read it was considered romantic and sensual, and so he had sprayed the same perfume on the same cushions they always sat on whenever Cheddarly came around, hoping to make things between them actually happen.
He wanted Sharp Cheddarly to experience his triple cream before they both went past their best by dates. He just didn’t know how to make his casein once he had Cheddarly in front of him, looking so lusciously sharp. Brieaphale knew he was no spring Chevre, but had noticed the way Cheddarly eyed his creamline. He just needed to take that first step in expressing what he really wanted.
Just as Brieaphale was finishing his preparations, he heard the front door open and slam closed. He spun around and saw Cheddarly crumbling toward him.
“I camembert it any longer,” Cheddarly announced. “We’ve known each other a long time, matured together a long time.”
Brieaphale reminded himself to brie deeply as Cheddarly continued.
“I could always rind on you, you could always rind on me. And I would like to spend…”
Here, Cheddarly began to sweat. Brieaphale took pity on him.
“Are you saying you’d like to melange…with me?” Brieaphale’s soft insides quivered hopefully.
Cheddarly drew in a sharp breath. “Oh, angel, you get it. I thought I was about to halloumiliate myself.”
“Oh my Darling Blue,” Brieaphale said softly, “how could I ever ricotta-ject you? When I have livaroted you for so long?”
“You livarot me?” Cheddarly asked, his body somehow quivering despite its firmness.
“Yes, now can you please come kasseri me so we can fromage here on this sofa? I perfumed it nice for you and everything!”
Cheddarly blushed and slid closer to Brieaphale, then his sharp edges finally rubbed against Brieaphale’s rind in a way that sent shivers of pleasure through Brieaphale’s soft insides. The friction of their bodies together created a pungent heat that permeated the air in a manner reminiscent of a cheesemaking factory.
“Oh, Cheddarly, you're going to make me cream if you keep doing that.” They moved together, grinding their rinds until they couldn’t control themselves anymore.
“Brieaphale, I want your brine all over me.”
“I’m going to if you don’t stop… but don’t stop, oh! I’m going to explode like a bulk tank!” They cheesed together so hard, it was difficult to tell where one ended and the other began, the creamy brie and sharp cheddar combined so intimately.
They were both panting, a thin layer of cheese-sweat coating their skins, proof of their amorous efforts.
“Brieaphale, I’ve been wheyting for that, what seems like my whole life.”
“Oh Cheddarly, from the moment the affineur placed me on my aging shelf, I’ve been waiting for you.”
“I grow sharper only for you.” Cheddarly pulled a cheese cloth around them, snuggling into the soft cream of his beloved.
A jaunty whistled tune drew their attention away from each other. Heavy footsteps echoed through the room and they squeezed tighter together, knowing that this moment had always been inevitable.
“Oi, there ye are.” A booming voice made them tremble. “Aged to perfection, and finally mated the way I’ve been hoping for. You’re going to be delicious.”
The speaker licked his teeth and lips with a schlorping sound and thick fingers poked and prodded at Cheddarly and Brieaphale. The giant muenster’s sharp dentures looked to be threateningly close, and spit was beginning to fall right by their rinds. Claws dug into their milky flesh with gentle yet eager movements, and suddenly a long, blackened tongue was poking through the giant’s dark lips and sensually swivelling on their slippery silky skins.
Art by DaneeCastle!
The sloppy gooey wetness that covered them was too much. Brieaphale started to ooze with disgust, while Cheddarly’s entire corporation threatened to melt cheddarlily away. But then, when they thought they were as gouda as dead, the tasting buds touched first Cheddarly and then Brieaphale, and a noise of absolute disgust came from the muenster in slow motion.
“Oh nooooo,” the giant exclaimed and dropped them both onto the farmhouse table. “You’re noooot yeeeet dooooone!”
A wet donut came in out of nowhere to watch, getting wetter by the second. It didn’t take long for the giant to take notice of the glistening donut.
“Well, well, well… If I cannot yet monger my cheese, perhaps you’ll satisfy Lord Slorch. Come to daddy,” he said as he approached the donut. It was dripping with glaze, somehow standing on end, its donut hole at just the right height…
The giant, Lord Slorch, unzipped his pants, the noise making Chedderly and Brieaphale shudder with aroused horror. What was going to happen to that wet donut? They knew they needed to run, but they couldn’t look away.
Slorch leaned over first, his long tongue penetrating into that shiny hole with a moan. Brieaphale swore he heard the donut moan, too. He supposed Lord Slorch was doing quite nice things with that tongue.
As Slorch mlemed the trembling pastry, the fear and disgust in Cheddarly and Brieaphale’s hearts melted into something else entirely. Their soft parts ripened and they began rolling against each other as Slorch gripped the yielding crumb of the sloppy soft ring of dough.
“Frost me, Daddy Slorch!” the donut hollered in a ringing voice.
Daddy Slorch pulled his terrifying member out of his fly. To the salty surprise of Cheddarly and Brieaphale, it looked like a thick, giant rope of braided, smoked mozzarella!
Slorch waved his moist floppy cheesedick at the donut, who rolled from side to side in doughy paroxysms of lust.
“Is this what you want, my lardy lad,” he asked in a slickly sultry voice.
“Oh, yes, yes!” And then the donut’s voice was muffled because Slorch’s mozzy dick was thrusting in his pastry cloaca which was also his mouth.
“We should get out of here!” Brieaphale whispered to Cheddarly who was still rutting against his bloomy rind.
“Hold on, my gorgonzola,” Cheddarly begged, “I’m hard as a roquefort and about to cream!”
Brieaphale could only hold on while Cheddarly crumbled against him for the second time that day. The resulting sweaty ripeness could not be missed by the prodigious nostrils of Lord Slorch.
“I smell a perfectly aged chunk!” he hollered, pulling his semi-soft dick out of the donut to the donut’s resounding protest. He whipped around to look at Cheddarly and Brieaphale, but they were nowhere to be found!
Outside, Brieaphale and Cheddarly were scrambling into Cheddarly’s trusty, rusty vehicle - a well-loved sardine tin named Dentley. Cheddarly put the petal to the feta and they sped away together, leaving a cheesed off Slorch, mozz peen still swinging, in their Cheeto dust.
“Oh, Cheddarly,” Brieaphale said as they spread away, “that’s ricotta be the most daring escape I’ve ever been a slice of! We barely squeaked by!”
“Stick with me, my coquetdale,” Cheddarly said with a dashing wink, “and you’ll always have a steady handkase at the wheel!”
Art by DaneeCastle!