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“You always try to get yourself killed!”
Reckless.
That was what Dustin was calling him.
Had this statement not been followed by Dustin's immense panic and horror at the possibility of losing Steve, well, then Steve might have thought it was just another one of those quips he had gotten so used to receiving from Dustin the last 18 months - The ones he usually sent right back at him.
And if the terror hadn’t been so apparent on Dustin’s face, Steve might have pointed out that actually Dustin was the reckless one.
But as it stood, Dustin’s confession made the words die on his tongue. That did not, however, mean his mind wasn’t still thinking about it.
He kept turning it over in his head.
Steve wasn’t reckless. Calling him that would imply that he was unaware of the danger he put himself in, which wasn’t true. Steve knew very well how risky some of the stuff he did was.
But he also knew he was the one best suited to do what he did. He wasn’t reckless. He was protective and reasonable. He always thought things through before he did them. Steve never jumped into something he thought he wouldn’t survive.
He wasn’t ever trying to get himself killed as Dustin had implied.
Those were the thoughts ruminating in his head when the ladder fell from the stairs with a deafening clang.
Okay, so maybe he hadn’t really thought that plan through.
Everything had been out of whack since Eddie’s death.
Which sort of brought him back to the point he had wanted to make in the first place.
The point about Dustin’s recklessness.
His curiosity was reckless. His loyalty was reckless. His trust was reckless. His determination was reckless. Everything about Dustin was reckless. Did he not see that himself?
Steve was there to make sure he didn’t die because of that recklessness.
It was how they had first met.
The reckless curiosity.
The curiosity that killed the cat. Literally.
Dart.
The first time Steve witnessed Dustin’s recklessness. Because that’s what it was. Keeping Dart had been reckless, and Dustin didn’t learn from that.
Down in the tunnels, it was the trusting recklessness he showcased. He had put himself between the flesh-eating monster and his friends, trusting that it would, by some miracle, remember the kindness he had shown it and let them all pass. The fact that that miracle came true didn’t make it any less reckless.
Then there was the whole business with the Russians. Once again, reckless curiosity.
Most people wouldn’t keep investigating a shady Russian transmission. Dustin wasn’t most people.
Steve had tagged along partly because Dustin was very convincing. But the truth was that it had mostly been to keep an eye on the kid.
And it was a good thing he did. Steve couldn’t imagine what would have happened if Dustin had ventured into the Russian base alone.
Then once down there, Steve got to witness the loyal recklessness.
He told Dustin and Erica to run. He told them to get help, but instead they dismissed that order and turned right back around to rescue him and Robin.
The details were a little fuzzy because of the drugs, but Steve was pretty sure Dustin had electrocuted the evil Russian Doctor who tortured him. So if Steve could remember it, then Dustin no doubt had that image seared into his brain, which wasn’t exactly great for someone so young. He had also refused to talk about it afterward.
Steve would always be grateful for the rescue. But it didn’t change the fact that Dustin had put himself in danger, put his life on the line for Steve, and Steve never asked him to risk his life and traumatise himself for him like that.
Okay, maybe he was starting to see what Dustin had been trying to say when he stopped him from climbing onto that ladder.
But that didn’t change the fact that Dustin was far more reckless than he was.
Especially last year. The year that changed everything.
Because there he was, turning up at Steve’s workplace, too blinded by loyalty to see his recklessness. Because yes, searching for a possible murderer simply because he believed in his innocence was reckless.
Even more so paired with his trusting recklessness when he pushed Robin and Max behind him to approach Eddie even though the guy had been armed with a broken bottle. Dustin had been armed with nothing but trust. That particular situation had given Steve flashbacks to what happened with Dart in the tunnels.
Ever since they found Eddie in that boathouse, it was one reckless thing after the other. Steve was just glad he managed to stop Dustin from going with them to look for the gate. He shuddered at the thought of Dustin being dragged into the Upside Down and trapped there as he had.
Then it all came crashing down during their plan to defeat Vecna and free Max.
Steve should have known it would end in disaster the minute they formed the plan. He could remember the conversation like it had happened yesterday.
“So Max, Lucas, and Erica bait Vecna from the Creel House, Eddie and I lure the bats away from him so he’s without defense, and you guys kill the bastard”
“Hold on, no, absolutely not, you’re with Mayfield and the Sinclairs, Henderson. You’re not stepping a foot into the Upside Down”
"Don’t be ridiculous, Steve, you’re just gonna leave Eddie on his own? He needs someone to be on lookout!”
“Then one of us will do that. None of you kids are going near any of the danger. You’re staying safe up here!”
“You’re being stupid, Steve! What if Vecna figures out our plan before you can get the kill shot? We have seen what he can do from the inside of someone’s mind. Imagine what he can do up close? No, we can’t spare any of you. Besides, we’ll reinforce the trailer. Those bats won’t be able to touch us”
Steve hadn't had a counterargument. Now he wished he had tried more to dissuade Dustin from the plan.
But in the end the only thing he could do was insist that they bring weapons and sternly tell Eddie to keep Dustin safe since he wouldn’t be there to do it.
The first time he wasn’t there, and everything went to shit.
Steve would always feel guilty about that. Part of him couldn’t stop blaming Eddie for doing the hero play and leaving Dustin the way he did -for making the kid witness it.
Although he could conclude from the cut rope that Eddie had tried to prevent Dustin from following him.
Except the chair on the other side of the gate told him that Eddie had unfortunately underestimated Dustin’s loyalty and his determination to save his friends. The things that always ended with him being reckless.
Then after that day, there was a shift in Dustin's recklessness.
The recklessness used to be unintentional. It used to be rooted in other traits of his. It used to exist in ways where Steve could prevent the potential harm it could cause.
After Eddie died, that ended. Well, kind of. It was still because of his loyalty that he was reckless. He provoked and challenged the jocks and everyone else who dared to blame Eddie for the things happening in Hawkins. The difference was that Dustin was aware of his recklessness now; he just didn't care.
It was no longer unintentional recklessness. He became reckless because he wanted to hurt, and he didn't want any help from Steve.
Which meant that Steve was left longing for that unintentional recklessness he could actually protect Dustin from.
It occurred to Steve that he understood exactly where Dustin was coming from.
Dustin was terrified to lose Steve - to lose someone he cared about.
The feeling was mutual.
Steve couldn’t lose Dustin either.
He promised himself that once they were out of any immediate danger, he would have to let Dustin know that.