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She notices it first when she sees him walk into the hub. More dishevelled than usual. Stubble that hadn’t been there a few days prior, bags under his eyes like he’d worked a double, hair messy not in the purposeful way he always styled it but actual honest to God bedhead. If she hadn’t been concerned, she would have let herself stare a little longer, take in the new appearance and commit it to memory. The ring was still there. Gold, shiny and loose on his finger. A reminder that, no matter how close they got, he was still off limits. As much as she hated the big shining beacon of his vows to his wife, she had to admit it was an ease to her concerns. His apparent lack of sleep probably due to Penny’s aversion to bedtime, her hatred of her ‘big girl bed’ and insistence she sleep wedged between Abby and Frank. His multiple alarms at five minute increments all snoozed so he didn’t have chance to shave and perfectly style his hair. Logical explanations.
At some point, she loses sight of him on the floor. A pang of panic, that she’d only felt on her first day at PTMC, returned. He’d disappeared again, gone without a goodbye, only this time the guilt would be more intense. She’d let him down, shouldn’t have let Robby stop them working cases together, should have asked what was going on, given him space to talk through whatever was on his mind. She’d tried asking if anyone had seen him, but all she got were pitying looks and dismissive comments that she could present to one of the many attendings on shift, that if the senior resident wasn’t hanging around it was because he was busy.
She tried to take her mind off things, saw that there was an unassigned patient in Central 7 and let Dana know she was heading that way. Only when she walked into the room, frowning down as she flicked through the tablet to find a chart didn’t exist, did she realise what was going on. He sat in the visitor chair, head in his hands, resting back against his coat. The smell of smoke hit her first, clinging to the fibres of the coat he was resting against, a habit he’d only recently picked up. She’d warned him of course, the dangers of smoking that he was already aware of. And yet a part of her didn’t want him to stop, enjoyed the moments that he would slip out for a smoke break when she was calling Becca, distracted every time he took a drag. The smell, which used to make her nose wrinkle, now was a comfort to her.
She instantly felt like she was intruding. Taking a step back, her foot nudged against something near the door, his phone laying on the floor with a fresh crack down the middle. The soft gasp she let out was enough to draw his attention, mentally kicking herself as her worried eyes met his. The usual sparkle, the brightness she had been so used to seeing the past four months, dulled considerably.
“Doctor Langdon? Is everything okay?” Her question did little to pull him from his haze. His gaze, that unlike everyone else was attuned to her, now seemed to look past her. Lost in his own thoughts. A shell of the energetic man she’d grown close to. “Frank?” She took a hesitant step towards him, sitting on the edge of the bed across from him, the space between them a chasm. “Frank what happened?”
His name, a word still unfamiliar on her tongue, was enough to snap him back. His tongue darted over his lips, hand rubbing against his stubbled jaw, eyes resting on the broken phone. The quick look caused a wince through his body, his mind clearly catching up with whatever had bought him into the room in the first place. “Nothing, I’m fine. You should go and see a real patient. Really I’m fine Mel. I just didn’t sleep great last night, and I think the cold weather is getting to my back. Seriously you don’t need to worry.”
The answer didn’t satisfy the aching worry deep within her, wishing she could read his mind and figure out what was buzzing around in there. “You know you can always talk to me right? I know today’s been difficult with Robby back, but I’m here.”
His features softened, worry lines smoothing out, his hand almost reaching toward her before he pulled it back. A move imperceptible if she weren’t so locked in on every miniscule detail about him. She watched him push himself up from the chair, saw the way he tried not to wince in pain at the movement, her own hands itching to do something to relieve the pain he was always in these days. “I know King. Thanks. But we should both get back out there.”
Before he could reach it and cause more damage to his back by bending, she bent down to scoop up his phone, unable to avoid glancing at the notification on his lock screen. She prayed she had enough tact that he didn’t notice, that she could stop her face twisting in confusion. A text from Abby. This isn’t over because you hang up the call. You need to sign… The preview cut off, enough to send Mel’s mind racing as he took his phone and slumped off towards the North bays. Mel hesitated in the doorway, considering following him out to push the matter until Ellis called her in on an incoming trauma.
She didn’t speak to him for the rest of the shift and if she didn’t know any better, she’d say he was avoiding her. She still observed him across the ED. Watching as he flitted in and out of traumas, running on the dregs of adrenaline and Red Bull, catching her eye across the hub but calling on Whitaker or Santos or McKay to assist him. It wasn’t the first shift where they’d been ships in the night, not always possible to work side by side all day, but it was certainly the first time he was actively avoiding her. It hurt more than it should. Mel was used to being ignored in the ED, just not by him. Even when they weren’t side by side, he went out of his way to check in with her. Eating lunch together in the breakroom, sitting with her in the stairwell when she needed a moment of peace, filling up her water bottle and insisting she drink from it before taking on her next case. Today felt like he wasn’t even there at all.
The rumours started to circulate. Gossip that she tried to ignore but couldn’t help overhearing. ‘He looks like shit, do you think he’s relapsed?’ ‘Could be a bandaid baby, I got no sleep for a month when my wife dropped the baby bomb on me and we’d planned it.’ ‘I got twenty bucks on an affair.’ Ridiculous speculation. A distasteful betting pool on their colleague, gambling over whatever was causing such misery in a man who had already been through enough. It was hard for her not to notice how the whispers always ended abruptly whenever she was spotted listening, elbows in ribs and snapped necks in her direction before the crowds dispersed or the conversation shifted to who was sleeping with who on some reality show Mel had never seen. A cloud of shame descending whenever she caught them, which was good in her eyes. They deserved to feel shame for spreading rumours that categorically weren’t true. Or at least she hoped they weren’t.
At the end of the shift, she waited by the lockers, certain that she would catch him to walk out with him to the parking lot, a routine they’d gotten into in the last few months. Their lockers had slowly merged into one, hers above his. Both contained items the other person needed, Mel keeping his spare scrubs and a pack of energy drinks in hers so he didn’t have to bend down for the essentials, Frank keeping packs of her favourite candy and protein bars, ensuring she always had access to sustenance with no excuse not to eat throughout the day. Most of the day shift had left by the time she gave up waiting and walked alone to her car.
She noticed his car was still in the lot, a few spaces over from hers. She should have pulled away, maybe sent him a quick text to check in with him when she got home but something deep in her gut told her to stay. The footprints in the snow around the passenger side door, leading both towards the car and away. When she was younger she’d loved Nancy Drew, dreamed of solving mysteries of her own, putting the clues together and presenting her conclusion. Now her mind raced. The text from Abby, the new scruffy look he was sporting, the footprints in the snow. All the clues adding up to a conclusion she desperately hoped was wrong.
Five minutes was all it took for him to come strolling over, cigarette hanging between his teeth and a washbag under his arm. The smoke curled up around him as he popped the trunk, throwing the washbag inside before digging around for something Mel didn’t have a good view of. She watched with curiosity as he stuffed clothes into a backpack, slinging it over his shoulder before stubbing out the cigarette under his boot and locking the car back up. He turned back towards the hospital, the final clue to confirm her suspicions. Without hesitation she got out of the car, attempting to hurriedly catch up with him, barely keeping her balance when she skidded on a patch of ice. The yelp that escaped from her just loud enough to draw his attention towards her. A look of horror in his eyes, his feet frozen to the spot, hand wrapping tightly around the strap of his bag.
“I thought everyone had left already.” His jaw ticked as he spoke, a shiver running through him she was certain had little to do with the cold. Mel took the opportunity to close the distance between them, able to feel the heat radiating from his body with how close she got, in arms reach if he needed the comfort. She weighed up her next words incredibly carefully. She had heard rumours at this point of his temper, something she’d never experienced first-hand and not something she ever wanted to see up close. Whatever was weighing him down was a touchy subject. One wrong move and she’d feel the force of his wrath, and she couldn’t bear to cry in front of him right now.
“I was heading out but I saw your car, thought I’d try and catch you before I left.” Her eyes searched his for any sign of frustration, keeping her tone as even as possible so she didn’t spook him and send him running like she had earlier.
“Right, sorry I didn’t meet up with you. I was trying to catch Shen. Wanted to see if he needed me to pull a double but he apparently doesn’t need my incredible charm and skill.” Up close, the dark circles under his eyes were much more pronounced, eyelids drooping with exhaustion. There was categorically no way he could have pulled a double and she made a mental note to bring John an iced coffee in the morning as a thank you for refusing.
She found she could only nod in return, watching him as his left hand scrubbed over his jaw. Her eyes immediately zeroed in on the lack of the familiar golden glint. Panic set in immediately as her eyes scoured the ground around his feet, searching in the weak fluorescents of the parking lot for a flash of gold. “I don’t want to alarm you but you’re missing your ring. I can help look for it, but it might be a little hard with the snow. You know, I hate to say I told you so, but this is the very reason I keep telling you to get it resized. Maybe start by checking your trunk, I can look through your backpack while you do that.”
She held out her hand expectantly until he let out a deep sigh. A sigh that confirmed the awful conclusion she’d already drawn, told her there was no need to look for the ring because he knew exactly where it was. Still, she found herself bending down, ignoring all the signs to dig around his feet in the snow. The wet sludge, blackened by the cars driving in and out of the lot, seeped through her jeans. For once, she blocked out the sensory nightmare around her, not caring about the horrible, wet sensation currently freezing her down to the bone. A woman on a mission. She needed to find that ring. If she could find the ring it would alleviate the guilt deep inside of her, knowing she had secretly hoped for this day. If she could find the ring, she could convince herself she wasn’t a terrible, awful person. If she could find the ring, it wouldn’t be her fault his family was torn to shreds.
“Mel, please. Mel stop. Can you just get up? Please? You aren’t gonna- Melissa!” The harsh edge in his voice, coupled with the rare use of her full name, made her pause. Tilting her head up to look at him, tentatively taking the ringless hand he offered her to get back to her feet, a thick lump forming in her throat. “Abby kicked me out.”
There it was. The confirmation she needed to let the guilt consume her. For once, the universe had answered her wishes, the worst wish she’d ever made coming true before her eyes. It had seemed so farfetched, the fantasies about him being single, about him waking up and realising how miserable he truly was without her. Winning had never felt like such a loss. She let her fingers linger against his a moment longer, figuring if she was an awful person she should drink in the benefits while she could, only pulling back when she felt his fingers twitch against hers. The loss of contact felt colder than the chill in the air around them. “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Maybe I could talk to her. I know we don’t really know each other but that’s what can help sometimes. An outside perspective. Or I can watch the kids so you can have some time alone. Or cover one of your shifts so you can do something as a family.” The words just kept coming, a fountain she couldn’t turn off. She needed to fix this, to stop the pain he was so clearly in, whatever it took. His hands clamping down on her shoulders cut her off, touch blazing hot, her words dying in her throat.
“Mel can you just breathe for a second? She already served me the papers last week. She’s going for full custody and she’ll probably get it too. She’s already hired an absolute bastard of a lawyer. But you don’t need to worry about this. This is all my mess. You should get the hell out of here while you can. This is my problem to fix, not yours. It’s okay.” His voice was back to that soft tone he reserved for her, his shoulders slumped as the weight of the secret he’d been keeping finally lifted.
A hundred questions lingered in the air. A million things she wanted to say dying on the tip of her tongue. Nothing felt like enough. False platitudes that wouldn’t keep his family together. She felt completely useless until her eyes landed on the backpack again, a new thread of curiosity piqued. “Frank, are you living in the hospital?”
“What? No, no I’m not living here. No. I’m just- yeah okay I’ve been crashing here until I can sort a place to stay. But it’s just temporary.” His voice was small, dejected and so full of sadness it broke her heart. “Nobody else knows. So I can’t exactly go and crash with Yoyo or McKay without them figuring things out.”
“You can stay with me.” A simple solution. Mel said it as a fact instead of a question. No wiggle room. She absolutely would not be taking no for an answer. “Becca is mostly full time at Middle Hill now and she spends most weekends staying with Adam anyway, so I essentially have a spare room. So long as you don’t mind bright yellow walls. Which if you do, you can take my room instead.”
He shook his head quickly, pulling his hands away from her shoulders to tap his fingers against his thigh. Dark eyebrows knitting together, face twisting in uncertainty. “No, Mel I can’t ask you to do that. And I don’t need charity. I’m fine staying here.”
Mel let that sink in, lips pursing together as she thought up a quick solution. She needed him to agree, couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him here to toss and turn in an abandoned floor of the hospital, back breaking on the world’s least comfortable bed. “You aren’t asking I’m telling. And it’s not charity. I have an Ikea bookshelf that I’ve been putting off building for weeks, plus you can chip in with the groceries and make dinner. You get a memory foam mattress to sleep on and I get five-star meals every night. It’s a no brainer Frank.”
“I can help with rent too.” He interrupted, an interruption she didn’t mind if it meant that he would take her up on her offer. Though she wouldn’t accept a cent from him for rent, the groceries would be more than enough for however long he needed to stay. He still looked entirely too exhausted and dishevelled, but it’s the most at ease she’s seen him all day. If she was completely honest, it was the most at ease she’d seen him since that 4th of July four months ago. Nothing was fixed, not really, but he would at least be well rested to face whatever was around the corner. And, if he’d let her, they would face it together.