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Cows and men are foolish when the light grows dim,
Dreamin' of a land too far to see.
There, you dream, is wavin' grass and streams that brim
And it often seems that way to me.
- Roundup Lullaby, Badger Clark
Nothing good ever happens after the sun goes down.
At least that’s what Yudai used to tell Taki when he wanted him to behave after suppertime. The coyotes will bite and the bandits will rob. Better off not setting foot outside, no way to tell what predators lurk in the shadows where lamps don’t reach.
The canyon isn’t a place where people linger, it’s a place where they rest on their way somewhere else. All sorts of characters ride through year round, so long as the weather allows it. Yudai has been doing this long enough to know the patterns. As summer stretches, they’ll be due for cowboys riding in any day now. Yudai has served Nicholas enough pale ale over the last few days to know that they must be on their way towards the canyon, but he didn’t figure they’d turn up in the dead of the night.
Nothing good ever happens after the sun goes down.
When the door to the saloon swings open, it’s already long after anyone should be due in. All the regulars are in their places along the bar.
A man walks in, boots heavy on the wood floors. A cowboy, by the looks of it. Hat low over his eyes, shirt tucked into his stiff trousers. It must be his first season out. Yudai knows everyone who comes around, and he would have remembered this one, he’s sure.
The cowboy takes a place in the middle of the bar. He sits up straight before giving into the weight of the world, back bowing forward, letting some of the strain off.
He takes his hat off and lays it on the counter, giving Yudai a clear view of his profile. He has a strong nose. A strong brow. Handsome. He probably does well with women. The type to be cocky about it. He runs a hand through his sweat-matted hair, dark brown and long. Kissing the nape of his neck.
Yudai keeps washing the glass in his hands, one eye on the stranger.
There’s something to be said about a man who would stop at the saloon first thing upon landing. Euijoo will surely be going round to Nicholas’ by now, and Gunwook is certainly already out cold in the old bunks in the back of the pasture. But this man— this new man— came to get a drink.
The cowboy looks around, surveying. His eyes catch on a couple of the girls in the corner, done dancing for the night. They tip their heads together and giggle, blushed and carefree. The cowboy smiles to himself, flicking his gaze up to meet Yudai’s for the first time.
He doesn’t seem surprised that Yudai is already watching him. He just raises two fingers like he wants to order a drink.
Yudai takes his sweet time coming over. Ignores the smug smile on the stranger’s face.
“Good evening,” the man says, tipping his head.
“Is it?” Yudai asks, condescending.
The man’s smile just stretches wider. “Everyone else seems to think so. They’re having plenty of fun.” He nods in the direction of the girls.
Yudai frowns. “If you’re looking to buy, this ain’t the place. My girls make their own decisions.”
He wasn’t always so distrustful of passersby, but time has made him wary. He keeps his gaze steady on the cowboy, watching his face for any twitch out of place. Any indication that he needs to warn him of the shotgun beneath the bar.
The cowboy’s surprise seems genuine as it can get, though. He blows out a breath, shakes his head. “Apologies. Don’t want you to get the wrong idea—” he says, laughing lowly under his breath. “I’m not really that type of man.”
Most peculiarly, it doesn’t stop there. The cowboy looks Yudai up and down. Lets his eyes wander as he drinks him in. His eyes are dark, lids heavy. The weight of it gets Yudai hot under the collar in a way he used to never understand. Now that he’s older, he knows it for what it is.
It’s dangerous. This man, showing up in a town he’s never been in before, looking at Yudai like that. Making his voice low and his lips loose. Sure, word gets around to those who need to hear it. If this man is part of Euijoo’s troop, surely there’s been talk. Men like them tend to stick together.
“Mhm.” Yudai looks right back. He lets his eyes linger at the small bit of chest at the top of the man’s buttons. Then, he cocks a brow. Bends down and retrieves a glass and goes to pour him something to drink. He never took an order, but he figures the cowboy won’t mind.
He doesn’t complain when Yudai pushes the ale to him. He picks it up in calloused hands and lifts it with a nod. Takes a long, clean swig. Sighs afterwards.
Yudai has no reason to stick around now that the customer has been served, but he can’t bring himself to walk away. He puts his forearms on the bartop, leaning forward a bit to rest there.
“I’ve never seen you around here,” he says.
The cowboy laughs. “Are you sure?”
He has a drop of ale on the corner of his mouth. Yudai watches his tongue dart out to soak it up.
“I know who comes in and out of my bar, Mister…”
“Murata,” the cowboy answers without putting up any fight at all. When he smiles, it hits Yudai right between the ribs. “Fuma, if it pleases you.”
Yudai isn’t that quick to waver for a pretty boy. Not anymore, at least.
“I’m sure it would please you, Mr. Murata,” he teases, cocking a brow.
Fuma lifts his free hand, palm flat. “Guilty.”
“Where are you from?” Yudai asks. He lets his fingers wander, feeling the brim of Fuma’s hat.
Fuma doesn’t seem to mind. He leans a little closer. “New York.”
“New York,” Yudai repeats. He’s never met anyone from New York. Big city, flat across the country from the territories. It takes a lot to get to and from a place like that. It’s more of a folktale than anything else, for someone like him. “You in trouble with someone that you’ve found yourself all the way out here?”
“‘S it that obvious?” Fuma grins. He takes another long draw of his ale.
“Is that right?” Yudai can’t help but mirror his smile. He drops his voice like he’s telling secrets, “What’d you do?”
Fuma draws closer still. “I killed a man.”
“No you didn’t,” Yudai returns. “You’re not a very good liar.”
“Maybe you’re just good at sniffing them out,” Fuma suggests. He’s so close that Yudai can smell the alcohol on his breath.
Yudai backs off first. He stands up, wiping his hands with the cloth in his pocket. Ignores the fizz in his belly. “You don’t look like you have it in you to kill a man,” he says. He means it as an insult. Cowboys are the type to flaunt things like that.
Fuma takes it on the chin. He runs his tongue over his bottom lip. “I can’t give up all my secrets right now. Have to give you a reason to wait around for me to come back.”
That earns a laugh. Yudai rests his hip against the bar. “Sure.”
“You ever been East?” Fuma asks.
“No.” Yudai hums softly, the thread of wistfulness that lives between his lungs making itself known again. Called upon. “What’s it like?”
“Which part?”
“The city.”
Fuma’s eyes flash with something new. Bright. “You got an adventurous streak?”
Yudai shrugs. “Only as far as I can throw.”
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know if you give me your name,” Fuma breathes. He swallows, and Yudai can see it in his throat. Like it’s thick. A spoonful of molasses.
Maybe that’s why he gives in right away.
“Koga.”
“Koga.” Fuma rolls it over on his tongue. It sounds nicer when he says it. “What’s the other half?”
“Yudai.”
Maybe Yudai gives in right away because, at the end of the day, he’s just a man, and Fuma is more than enough to interest him.
“Pretty,” Fuma says.
“Flatterer,” Yudai accuses.
Fuma smiles behind his glass, and Yudai feels his heart jump.
As the night drags on, Yudai finds that he doesn’t mind Fuma sitting at his bar. He allows Fuma to throw him smart comments when he passes to and fro. He allows Fuma to stay long after the saloon is shut up. When the last old drunkard has been thrown into the street until the doors open again tomorrow at noon.
When Yudai turns around after locking up, Fuma has moved from the bar to a table, striking a match to light a lamp. Yudai watches him do it, and he still doesn’t tell Fuma to leave. He pours them both a glass of ale and takes the place across from Fuma.
It’s been a long time since Yudai entertained anyone. Most of the time he ends up falling in bed with men he knows he’ll never see again. It’s dangerous with these cowboys. They go back and forth, never really leaving, but never staying, either. Lingering like a bad cough.
Fuma lifts his glass towards Yudai, and Yudai has no choice but to meet him there. They both drink after clinking their glasses, eyes locked the entire time.
“So,” Fuma says, leaning back in his chair in a way that stretches his shirt over the swell of his chest. “Tell me about yourself, Yudai.”
“There’s not much to know, I’m afraid.” Yudai’s smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “My entire life has taken place within the same ten miles. Draw a circle around this very spot, and you’ve got it all.”
Fuma cocks his head. “You’ve never been anywhere else? Not even to visit?”
Yudai shakes his head once. “No time. Busy around here, you know? Started tending the bar when I was twelve.”
That makes Fuma crack a smile. “I’d’ve liked to see that.”
“You’ve never met a kid with such a good pour. Promise you that.”
Fuma’s laugh is unique. Creaky and strange. It fills Yudai up from the inside out. Rubs off on him. A contagious sort of thing.
“And what about you, then? Did you grow up in New York?”
“Pennsylvania, actually. My father was a farmer. Probably why I was destined to end up somewhere like this. The city never suited me much, even if I was good at navigating.”
“You’re a smooth talker. I’m sure you did fine.”
“Well, thank you.”
“Why’d you leave the farm?”
“Got kicked out when I was sixteen. He found me in bed with the neighbor boy.”
“Was it worth it?”
Fuma tips his head down. He smiles, looks up at Yudai through his eyelashes. “‘Course it was. In some roundabout way, it led me to you.”
Yudai lets out a low whistle, then he laughs high in his throat. “Oh, you’re trouble.”
“That depends on how you look at it.”
“I’m looking at it exactly as it is,” Yudai tsks. “A brand new cowboy shows up in town, sweet talking and spinning stories about why he had to run away clean across the country, and I’m meant to give in? Thanks to a pretty smile?”
Fuma breaks into a dazzling grin. It makes Yudai’s breath catch for a moment. “You think my smile is pretty.”
“You’re trouble,” Yudai repeats, pressing his finger into the center of Fuma’s forehead and pushing him back to his side of the table. He doesn’t remember when Fuma got so close, anyway.
Somewhere behind them, a flurry of muffled giggles leaks through the crack in a door. Yudai’s ears perk up immediately. He turns around, narrowing his eyes. Of all the nights Taki and Yuma chose to come home on time, of course they picked tonight.
Yudai huffs. “Come on out, boys, if you’re so keen on spying, you may as well introduce yourselves first.”
Yuma and Taki tumble out of the stockroom— they must’ve snuck in the back door. It’s hard to tell how long they’ve been listening in. They trip over each other as they hurry away, shouting out half-genuine hellos. They don’t even give up their names, too busy wrestling each other on their way up the stairs. Yudai is sure to hear about it tomorrow. They’ll tease him about his gentleman caller.
Fuma raises an eyebrow, smile still bright. He doesn’t seem to mind being caught. If that’s what this could be called. “They yours?” he asks.
“Something like that…” Yudai says, folding his arms over his chest. “One of them is, at least. The other usually finds his way back.”
“It’s nice.” Fuma takes a long drink of ale. “That they feel comfortable with you, I mean.”
The way he says it is almost wistful. Longing. It makes Yudai ache, deep down in the crevices of his chest. “You never had anyone you could call family like that?”
“Not one I chose.”
“Mm.” Yudai presses his lips together, taking his time to look Fuma over. He sure seems like a cowboy. His hands are rough, arms strong. There’s a streak of dirt across his neck, and his hat is well worn. Yudai doesn’t know how honest Fuma has been, but it’s not as if Fuma is anything more than a temporary distraction from the day to day. In a day or two, Fuma will leave, and he’ll forget about this place until he shows up in a few months on his way back home. He probably won’t remember Yudai’s name.
For tonight, though, Yudai lets Fuma keep him up into the early morning hours. Long after they’ve finished their drinks, and the oil in the lamp is getting low.
Fuma puts his hat back on when he notices Yudai waning. He pushes his chair away from the table. Offers his hand to Yudai. “Let me walk you home?”
Yudai folds his hands behind his back until Fuma lowers his arm. “My home is right upstairs.”
“Let me walk you to the door, then.”
It’s so unashamed that Yudai laughs. “I’ll walk you to the door. How about that?”
“Fair enough.” Fuma smiles in that charming way he’s so good at.
The floor creaks beneath their feet as they meander towards the door. Yudai walks slowly. He unlatches the lock to let Fuma out onto the street.
Of course that’s not all.
Fuma turns on his heel to look at Yudai in the doorway. His tongue runs over his bottom lip. His eyes drop down to Yudai’s mouth. It’s obvious what he wants. Yudai can feel the tug in his chest. Like there’s a rope around his ribs begging him in. If he were a few more drinks deep, maybe he’d give. Tonight, though, he only feels for what he stands to lose.
“I don’t shack up with cowboys."
A coyote howls in the distance. Fuma reaches out and brushes a stray lock of Yudai’s hair from his face, but he doesn’t linger longer than he needs to. It’s still enough to have Yudai shivering.
“Somebody break your heart?” Fuma asks, voice low.
“If they did, do you really think you’d be the one to put it back together?”
“I’d give it an honest shot,” Fuma says without missing a beat. He’s a smooth talker. City boy. Yudai knows he can’t trust him. “I think that’s what matters.”
“As I see it, there’s no use getting attached to something that won’t stick around.”
“Even if he swears to come back?”
“Even so,” Yudai confirms.
He lets Fuma take his hand. Bring it to his lips. His chapped lips brush Yudai’s knuckles briefly before he lets him go again.
And that’s the way it goes with men like him, isn’t it? They’re sweet up until they’re not. Then they’re backing away into the night, like they were never there at all. Promising things they can never make good on.
“Goodnight, Yudai,” Fuma murmurs. He tips his hat.
After Yudai shuts the door on him— locks it up once more— he clutches his chest, doing his best not to swoon. His mother went the same way. Her heart went bad after getting played with too much. Yudai refuses to be felled by something like that.
He straightens his back and sniffles. He picks up their empty glasses and cleans them up, no proof that anyone stuck around. He blows out the lamp, and his heart aches, hoping that maybe he’ll see Fuma tomorrow, too.
❦
Yudai wakes up later than he should. The sun is high in the sky, at an angle that cuts light clean across his face when he’s laying on his pillow, meaning it must be closer to noon than dawn.
He sits up slowly, palm pressed to his temple as he tries to make sense of anything. He’ll have to open the bar soon. There’s never time for rest.
Traitorously, his heart skips a beat when he thinks about Fuma stopping by again. Keeping him up too late. Spinning more stories.
As soon as he makes it onto his feet and looks out the window, he knows that it’s not in the cards for him. A plume of smoke drifts into the sky from the chimney of the forge. Nicholas only gets an early start when he’s working through something bigger than himself. Only when Euijoo leaves without saying goodbye.
Yudai pulls on a fresh set of clothes, hurrying downstairs. Taki and Yuma are playing dice across the bar, laughing and smacking each other like they tend to do.
Yuma lets out a low whistle when Yudai makes himself known. “Well, look who made it out of bed!”
“Taki, open up, will you?” Yudai ignores him. He lays his hand flat against Taki’s back as he passes by. “I need to go talk to Nico.”
“How long’ll you be out for? We wanted to go for a ride today,” Taki whines.
“Don’t count on it. The cowboys headed out this morning. There must be a storm coming in.”
“We ride fast,” Yuma tosses back, entirely smug.
Yudai shoots them a warning glance before leaving.
As expected, there’s a dark wall of clouds riding up from the East. The herd is smart to get ahead of it. Nothing else to do but wait if they don’t.
He doesn’t bother to knock before walking into the forge. He knows Nicholas better than that.
It’s hot enough that Yudai begins to perspire as soon as he steps inside. It looks like Nicholas has been at it for quite some time. His skin is dirty with soot and shiny with sweat, hair held out of his face with a bandana. His teeth grit, muscles flexing as he raises his hammer above his head and swings it down.
“Nico,” Yudai tries. He knows Nicholas can see him. Nicholas is uniquely good at ignoring someone when he wants to be.
Today, Nicholas gives up easily enough. He lets out a long breath, dropping his hammer and wiping his brow with the back of his arm.
“You alright?” Yudai asks, though he already knows the answer.
Nicholas glares at Yudai like Yudai is the one who broke his heart. “Never, never fall in love with a cowboy, Koga.”
“I don’t plan on it.”
“All they do is lie. And cheat. And ruin your life.” Nicholas laughs, bitter as dandelion root. “You know what this is?” he asks, gesturing down to the anvil. He spins his tongs to tilt his project in Yudai’s direction. “Fresh set of shoes for his horse. He seemed excited about it, too. Interrupted me halfway through last night because he couldn’t keep his hands off me.”
Yudai frowns.
“And now he’s gone. Just like he always is.”
Yudai’s heart aches for Nicholas. Even if they both knew it was coming. If they’ve been having nearly the same conversation, round and round, for years by now.
“Why do you bother, Nichol?” Yudai asks again, just as he does every time Euijoo leaves.
Nicholas looks at Yudai, brows pulled together and mouth set in a line. “You’ve never been in love. I can’t explain why.” He wipes his face again, leaving a streak of dirt on his cheek. “I know you came to check if I still am, but I am. Of course I am. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.”
Once Yudai leaves, Nicholas will finish his horseshoes. He’ll set them to cool on the top shelf. He’ll let them sit until Euijoo comes around again, and he’ll forget all about how angry he was when he left, because that’s what love does to men. It makes them foolish.
Yudai doesn’t dare tell Nicholas about Fuma. He stays quiet and counts his lucky stars that he isn’t as easy to love as Nicholas is.
❦
May 5, 1876
Yudai,
I’ve been thinking about what you said. How it would be hard to be with someone like me. I understand. Truly. But, I compel you to look at it differently. How sweet it might be to wait for something to return. Fondness only grows deeper with distance, does it not?
I find myself trying to piece together what I can remember of our encounter. No matter how brief it was, you left an impression. I’m sure you hear that often, but I hope you know I mean it entirely differently. I spent the last long while trying to understand what everyone was on about when they talked about yearning for what they left behind. I never miss the city. As soon as I got on the train West, I knew I had made the right decision.
I remember the way your eyes shone in the lamplight. The way you laughed when you finally let down those walls you had built up. It made me feel the same as I did the first time I saw a calf stand on her own out of the womb— like I understood why the world keeps turning.
I don’t anticipate a response, though I hope for it, regardless. Futile pursuits. There’s a lot of time for things like that in the mountains. Nothing better to do.
Yours,
Fuma
May 29, 1876
Plenty of men are sweet on me, Mr. Murata. Don’t fancy yourself singular.
— K
June 21, 1876Yudai,
I would never fancy myself anything I’m not. What I am is drawn to you, despite it all.
Yours,
FumaP.S. Euijoo finally found out that I’m a terrible shot. Or, that’s what he thinks. Really, I just can’t bring myself to pull the trigger when something living is on the other end of the barrel. Each time I’d line up the gun, I’d see the twitch of her ear and take the mark half a foot over her head instead. Doesn’t feel right to play God, even after all this time.
If it came down to it, I’d bullseye ten times in a row. I swear on my favorite pair of boots. I’ll show you next time I’m in town. Regardless, after the fifth deer got away, Byun started to suspect something. He says I’m not allowed to hunt anymore. Such a shame.
July 14, 1876
The first time I killed a deer I cried myself to sleep for five nights in a row afterwards. My Ma got it stuffed as a trophy. It’s the first thing I rid myself of after she passed. I still feel guilty about that.
— K
August 2, 1876
Yudai,
About the deer, or getting rid of it without her permission?
Yours,
FumaP.S. Have you gotten your hair cut since we met? I’m trying to keep the picture of you in my head up to date. I’m stuck on your eyes. Never seen anything like them. Truly.
August 19, 1876
Both.
— K
P.S. Sooyoung cut my hair for me yesterday. And you’ve certainly seen brown eyes before. In the mirror, for instance.
September 3, 1876
Yudai,
I’ll be passing through again soon enough. Maybe before you get this letter. I hope you’ll spare me an evening or two while I’m in town. I promise I’ll stay a bit longer this time round. I never told you that I felt sorry for leaving without saying goodbye, but I’ll say it now. I’m sorry for leaving without saying goodbye. That’s not my style.
Yours,
FumaP.S. I haven’t cut my hair. You might like it. It’s too long. I’m happy you remember the color of my eyes. Made me feel less alone out here.
❦
Yudai gets Fuma’s letter two days before the cowboys ride back into town. He tucks it into the drawer of his bureau and tries to forget about it, just like he has with the others he’s received. There’s no reason to write this time. Fuma’s arrival is imminent.
He’s out wasting time with Sooyoung picking chokecherries when Fuma finds him. An unimposing figure appearing at the mouth of the grove, lit by the mid-day sun. Hat on his head and trousers tucked into boots.
“Lord…” Yudai breathes, turning his back to the imposition, cheeks flaring with heat.
“Well, I’ve never known you to be religious, Yudai,” Sooyoung teases.
“I don’t know why he’s so stuck on me.” Yudai plucks another bunch of berries off of the tree, dropping them into his basket.
Sooyoung reaches over to pull a twig out of Yudai’s hair, straightening his bangs as if he’s trying to impress someone. “Have you considered that you’re worth being stuck on?” she asks.
Yudai scowls, knocking his shoulder against hers. She lets out a loud cackle.
“Afternoon,” Fuma drawls, amusement coloring his voice.
“Hardly,” Yudai returns. He checked his watch all but ten minutes ago and the clock had just struck twelve.
It’s not that he’s forgotten Fuma’s face. It would be hard after how long he drunk him in on their first meeting. That straight nose. Pretty smile. The edges have grown fuzzy over time. It’s like that when someone goes away for too long.
Yudai hates it. He hates knowing that he’ll be blown back by Fuma’s beauty each time he goes and returns. As if it’s brand new. It happens now, air pressed from Yudai’s lungs as he turns around and comes face to face with the true extent of it.
Just as Fuma said it would be, his hair is long. It brushes his collar, tucked behind his ears. His shirt is tight on his chest, eyes sparkling.
Yudai manages to gather himself after the initial hit. “Sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met.”
Fuma breaks into a warm laugh. “Fuma Murata,” he says, playing right along. He extends his arm, and Yudai takes his hand. They linger longer than they need to, eye contact sparking like flint on steel. Fuma’s hands are smooth and calloused.
“Koga.”
“Pretty name,” Fuma says, a smile crooking his lips.
Yudai only drops his hold on Fuma when Sooyoung clears her throat, tired of being ignored. She rests her basket on her hip, looking Fuma up and down. Down and up. She makes an appraising noise, but her face remains entirely blank. She’ll let Yudai have it later, but she’s too smart to show her cards to any old man.
“Apologies. It’s nice to meet you, ma’am,” Fuma says politely, tipping his hat and offering a hand.
“Likewise,” Sooyoung says. She doesn’t touch him, hauling her basket up and breezing past him without a second glance. Once she’s out of his sight, she turns over her shoulder and wiggles her eyebrows at Yudai. “See you tonight, boss,” she sings, sashaying out of the grove and leaving Yudai and Fuma alone.
Fuma chuckles, shaking his head a bit. He stares after her like he’s amused. Whistles under his breath.
“Didn’t know you had a girl, Yudai,” he says, sarcasm lilting his tone.
Yudai lets out a breath, going back to berry picking. His fingertips are stained pink, but if he keeps his hands busy, it’s easier to ignore the steady drum of his heart. “We got married in the spring. You just missed it.”
“Is that right?”
“Sure is.”
Fuma hums. He brings his hand up to cradle a bunch of berries on the branch. He’s gentle as he touches them, like they might lash out. “I’ve missed you, Yudai.”
Yudai releases a soft huff. “You can’t miss someone you barely know.”
“I feel that I know you well enough to want for more.”
“You’re misguided,” Yudai says, stepping over to the next tree. Fuma steps right behind him.
“I don’t think you mean that.”
“I do.” Yudai wraps his other arm around his basket. He turns, back straight. “I’d better get going. Lots to do before supper. A pack of wild beasts just rode into town.”
Fuma laughs. “I should go too. I left Jiwoong alone to tend to the horses. I just couldn’t go without seeing you until the eveningtime.”
“Selfish,” Yudai teases.
“Guilty as charged.”
Their steps fall into time as they move back across the grove. Fuma’s warmth radiates off of him, even with an arm’s length between them.
Yudai had hoped that Fuma’s return would bring him some sort of clarity. That he’d realize Fuma is just another cowboy. Not as handsome as he remembers him being in candlelight.
Yudai had hoped that Fuma’s return would convince him that there was nothing between them at all but misplaced emotion. Caught up in the heat of travel.
When they part at the edge of town, Fuma taking his hat off to bow Yudai a farewell, Yudai feels a skip in his heart. The clarity he wanted has come, but in quite the opposite way as he expected.
❦
It’s not that Yudai has been avoiding Fuma. It’s just that he fancies himself strong-willed, and isn’t eager to be proven wrong by one good looking cowboy with a persistent attitude.
Sure, the mere worry that he might be swayed seems like a good indicator that he’s not as strong-willed as he’d like to believe, but if he doesn’t give Fuma any space to prove it, he can carry on as he was.
It’s not that easy to avoid anyone in a town like this, anyways. Everyone knows everyone, and everyone sees everyone out and about. Even though Yudai has been able to avoid any close encounters, Fuma has been lingering on the edge of his consciousness like a shadow. Incessantly around, even if he’s not within spitting distance.
Yudai knows that the cowboys won’t be around for too much longer. Maybe a day or two. They have places to be. Work to do. They probably want to get paid.
Until then, he has his eyes on the door, prepared to make himself busy if Fuma shows himself at the bar. He jumps each time the door opens. His regulars keep laughing at him.
The next time someone walks in is no different. Yudai instinctively steps behind the nearest cabinet, only to feel silly when he recognizes that the new arrival is Jo. A local farmer from down the way.
He looks nervous, as he so often does, holding a bunch of wildflowers in his hand, tops of his ears red from more than just sun.
Yudai can’t help the smile that breaks across his face. He knows exactly why Jo is here. “Good evening, Jo,” he greets, stepping back into the light.
Jo nods politely, offering Yudai a shy smile. He takes off his cap with one big hand, holding it to his chest. “Good evening,” he returns. Yudai can see him trying to be patient before he gets to the point. He loses the war against himself almost immediately. “Any chance you saw where Jiwoo got off to?” he asks, cheeks gone crimson.
“I think she and the girls are—” he’s interrupted by a loud wave of giggles pouring in through the back door, the lot of them coming in from outside. “Well, there they are.”
It’s as if Yudai never existed at all as soon as Jo lays eyes on Jiwoo. He goes mute, lips popped open, face coloring. His heart beats for her and her alone. It’s obvious to anyone with eyes. Jo swallows, throat bobbing.
He floats over like he’s in a dream, holding out his flowers and stammering through a greeting.
Jiwoo is just as sweet on him as he is on her. All starry-eyed as she stares up at him. Sooyoung stands behind her, straightening out her hair for her as she pays no mind.
Yudai doesn’t have to be within spitting distance to know what Jo is asking. He wants to take her on a walk down by the river. Jiwoo bites her bottom lip, eyes shifting over to Yudai— he is, technically, her employer so long as there’s a band in town to play. “Can I?” she mouths.
As adverse to romance as he is in his personal life, Yudai isn’t a monster. He nods, shooing her towards the door from afar. Jiwoo breaks into a beautiful smile, clapping her hands together. She lets Jo loop his arm in hers, and they’re off, Sooyoung staring fondly after them. Jiwoo is her ward as much as Taki is Yudai’s.
Sooyoung moseys over to the bar after a few seconds, her skirt swinging as she walks. “Well, aren’t you soft-hearted tonight,” she teases.
“You know me, Soo.”
She squeezes one eye shut. “Mmhm.”
Not a living soul in this world knows Yudai like Sooyoung does. They’ve been thick as thieves since they were small. Always hanging off each other. Where one went, the other followed. She’s been there for all of it. The good and the bad.
Yudai was in love once. It’s a story that no one but Sooyoung knows. The kids were too little to understand at the time. Nicholas hadn’t been around yet, and when he showed up, Yudai told him there’d been no one. That he’s been on his own forever and then some.
It’s not like Yudai is ashamed of his past, but he doesn’t think it helpful to dwell. It’s a fairytale. A daydream he had before he recognized how harsh life can be.
Yudai had known Minho just as long as he’s known Sooyoung. Her elder brother, five years their senior. He was always around, tugging on Sooyoung’s braids or making a mess of their dolls. When they got a little older, he got a job working for the railroads. He was responsible. Handsome. The first boy Yudai looked at and felt the way he should feel about girls.
He kept it tucked away in his chest for his teenage years. Minho was working, and Yudai was still just his kid sister’s friend. It wasn’t until Yudai was eighteen that Minho looked twice at him. Yudai remembers it well.
He was tending bar alone, and Minho came in after a long-haul job. He’d been out of town for a few months. The first stop he made when he got back was the saloon. There was no one else in that night. Just the two of them and a lamp burning low.
Minho took a long drink of his ale, and Yudai saw a shift in his eyes. He felt it in his chest.
“Why does it feel like it’s been forever?” Minho asked.
“Because it has,” Yudai replied. “I’m practically nineteen, you know.”
He remembers the way Minho laughed at him. Like he was something to be cherished.
They talked late that night. Minho stayed and helped Yudai tidy up, because they didn’t want to part.
The light was dim when Minho got close. Said, “Can I see something?”
Yudai nodded, his heart seizing in his chest.
He remembers the way Minho kissed him. Pressed against the wall behind the bar, his hands hot against Yudai’s hips. Like he was something to be savored.
After that, they were a boulder rolling down a hill. It was secretive. Illicit. Minho showed Yudai how a real man could make him feel. They fell in love, plain and simple, in the way that young kids do— hard, fast, and all-consumingly.
Sooyoung found out about them when she walked in on Minho standing between Yudai’s thighs where he sat on the bartop. She gasped. Said, “I knew it!”
They kept on like that for just over a year. They had plans. Big plans. Minho went away for work and came back with a ring made of real gold. “That’s what you can get out west,” he promised Yudai. “I got a job. I want you to come with me.”
Yudai made plans. He arranged everything. He was happy, and carefree, and in love. He was going to make something of himself far away from here. And then his mother died.
It was unexpected. She swore it was from a broken heart up until the moment she went, but the doctor said it was just bad luck. Yudai sat at the foot of the bed as they wrapped her up, with Taki on his lap, and he swallowed down his first spoonful of reality.
Minho stayed home as long as he could. He begged Yudai to come with him up until the very end. Holding his hands as he stood next to his horse, bags hanging off her saddle. “Sooyoung can take care of Taki until we return. She promised me—”
“No, Minho.” Yudai had already decided. He had responsibilities to everyone else. The last thing he could think about in that moment was himself. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”
He kissed Minho on the cheek and sent him on his way.
Minho promised to come back, but he never did. He couldn’t pass the opportunities he found out in California. He wrote to Yudai a few times, but once he realized Yudai wasn’t going to write back, he only kept in touch with Sooyoung.
He has money now. He keeps asking her to come out to join him. Every time Yudai mentions it, Sooyoung clicks her tongue. Says, “How could I ever leave you, my dear husband?” And the conversation ends.
Yudai wore Minho’s ring on his finger for two whole years before he finally took it off. Tucked it away in his dresser and decided that he has to keep on. There’s nothing left for him there.
He understands Nicholas more than he’d like to admit. If Minho had come back, he would have clung to him like Nicholas does to Euijoo. Yudai isn’t heartless. On the contrary, he has too much heart. He loved being in love. He adored it. He wishes for it again, even now, but he’s tender skinned. He understands better than anyone that fate is cruel.
That’s why, when the saloon door opens again, and finally reveals Fuma, he pulls Sooyoung behind the bar to take his place and flees.
He expects the storage room to be empty, but he slams into another warm body.
Taki squeaks, arms flailing until he catches his balance on a shelf. He looks up at Yudai with wide eyes, like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t. He used to sneak into this closet past his bedtime to spy on Yudai. The room is too small to handle much more than the two of them. It’s dark, the only light provided by slats in the wood overlooking the saloon.
“What are you doing in here?” Yudai hisses.
Taki’s lips pull down into a pout. “Waiting for Yuma.”
When he was younger, Taki would fib more often. He realized pretty quickly how bad he is at it— now he always starts with the bare truth.
“And what are you and Yuma getting up to in the storage room?” Yudai tips his chin down.
It’s too dark to see him clearly, but Yudai is certain Taki is blushing. “What are you doing in the storage room, Yudai?”
“I’m not meeting Yuma, that’s for sure.”
“Well…”
“Mhm,” Yudai raises a brow.
Taki avoids his eyes, instead getting up on his tip-toes to peek over Yudai’s shoulder, through the gap in the wooden wall and into the saloon. He gasps. When he lands back on flat feet, his mouth has popped open. “You’re avoiding that handsome cowboy again!”
Now it’s Yudai’s turn to avoid Taki’s eyes. “I’m not.”
“You are!”
They fall quiet, both of them equally found out, only the soft sound of their breathing to fill the silence.
It’s Taki who breaks first, just like it always is. He pokes Yudai in the belly. Says, “Y’know, no one would mind if you let that handsome cowboy properly court you.”
“I would mind.”
“C’mon, Yudai…” Taki huffs and puffs. He puts on a pout like the big baby he is. “It’s not all bad. Look at Nico! He’s in love with a cowboy and he’s plenty happy. I saw them riding earlier. He was smiling so big—”
“He’s happy until Euijoo up and leaves again!” Yudai interrupts, “and then he’s all kinds of out of sorts until he comes back around. It’s a never ending cycle made to disappoint.”
“Isn’t it worth it, though?” Taki pokes him again. “To let yourself be loved?”
Taki doesn’t know about Minho. He won’t know, if Yudai has his way. It’s easier this way. If no one knows that Yudai knows what he’s missing.
“Drop it, Taki,” he says curtly.
“Alright…” Taki pushes out his bottom lip. “I just worry about you. Y’know?”
Yudai sighs, wrapping Taki up in his arms and pulling him into his chest. He pets Taki’s hair like he did when he was just a baby. “Let me do the worrying, kid.”
“I’ve let you do the worrying for twenty-somethin’ years. Feels like it’s my turn.”
Yudai squeezes Taki so tight he might pop, and he can’t decide if he’s doing it for Taki’s sake or for his.
❦
Nicholas came into town on the back of a boxcar at the ripe age of thirteen.
He was a poorly behaved child. Sent away from his mother’s home in the plains after he kept getting into trouble. His father had died when he was young, and he never quite grew into shape because of it. His mother sent him to live with his uncle in the canyon. She thought a male role model would do him some good.
At least that’s how Nicholas tells the story.
As Yudai remembers it, Nicholas came rolling into town dirty and with holes worn into his shoes. He looked angry. Like a feral animal unused to being handled. He bit like one, too. He’d get into fights with his uncle often. Come hide out in the saloon, because Yudai would serve him lemonade and tend to his wounds. After a particularly brutal blow from the old man, Nicholas came to stay with Yudai for a while. He had a gash in his arm a hand long. He and Taki shared a bed for a month back then. They never complained once, they just held each other like a pair of bonded kittens torn from their mother.
Nicholas’ uncle got sick and died during a brutal winter cold front. It happened fast. Nicholas was seventeen. He took over the forge overnight. Yudai begged him to take a break, but he refused. He smiled. Laughed. Said, “Why? I’ve never been so happy. All the old man gave me was training to do this. I’m happy he’s gone.”
The last bruises on Nicholas’ arms faded as the snow melted, and everything returned to form. A little town at the foot of a canyon, plugging along.
Euijoo started coming through a little after Nicholas’ nineteenth birthday. Worst birthday present he ever got, he’s told Yudai time and time again.
Of course, none of them are under the impression that being queer in a place like this would ever be easy. Nicholas knew when he started seeing Euijoo that Euijoo wouldn’t stick around. It’s more than that, though. Euijoo never says goodbye.
Now, Nicholas is twenty-four. He still barges into Yudai’s home like he owns the place, because he knows he’s welcome. Standing in the doorway, hair wild.
“Do I look like an idiot, Yudai? Really, tell me, straight, I can handle it,” Nicholas prompts, feet planted firmly on the ground, mouth pressed into a flat line.
“No, Nico.”
“Then why do I keep being taken as one?”
Yudai sighs. “You already know what I think, Nicholas.”
They’ve been over it time and time again. Nicholas has a choice to make. Cut things off with Euijoo, or suffer with no end in sight. There’s no way to tell if Euijoo will ever come around— he’s touch and go— he loves Nicholas, but not enough to stay.
Nicholas collapses onto Yudai’s bed. He showed up right as Yudai lit his lamp to read before bed— harried and upset— as he usually is before and after Euijoo goes. Tonight, Nicholas pretended to sleep to see if Euijoo would sneak out. He did. Nicholas got in a spat with him about it, but Euijoo left anyway. He still didn’t say goodbye.
“It’s not that simple,” Nicholas complains.
He looks so young in moments like this. Eyes bloodshot and curled up against Yudai’s side, limbs folded up to his chest. Like he’s thirteen again.
Yudai wraps an arm around him, drawing patterns on his back to calm him down. “It is. Even if you don’t want to hear it.”
Nicholas breathes. He sticks his nose into Yudai’s ribs. “Maybe I am an idiot after all.”
“You’re not an idiot. You have a heart.” Yudai can feel it beating steadily in Nicholas’ chest.
“I don’t think any cowboys could say the same,” Nicholas grumbles.
Yudai laughs. They fall quiet, just the sound of breathing and the flicker of flame to fill the gaps. Yudai pets Nicholas until he’s calm enough to settle down. Like a tamed beast. He doesn’t bite anymore, even though Yudai thinks he should, from time to time.
“I heard Murata was looking for you this morning,” Nicholas murmurs. “What’s the story there?”
“There is no story.” Yudai sighs again, thinner. “I should probably see him off, though. Put my foot down once and for all.”
“You have good manners, Mr. Koga.”
“Sure do.”
Nicholas goes lax in his arms. “Can I stay for tonight?”
“Always, Nico. You know that.”
❦
Yudai meets up with Harua in the morning.
The kid is taking some letters down south, riding along with the cowboys for a bit before he changes course. He gives Yudai a bag of sunflower seeds he picked up somewhere along his way to and fro. He’s always running, but not in the same way as Euijoo is. Yudai once asked Harua why he likes delivering mail. “I like feeling the wind in my hair. And, my horse is my best friend,” he said.
He’s almost giddy this morning, talking Yudai’s ear off about where he plans to get off to. Sooyoung gave him a couple of letters for somewhere up in the mountains. One of her old aunts who refuses to croak.
Yudai restrains himself from ruffling Harua’s hair— Harua hates when he does that now that he’s grown.
When Harua finally scampers off, he nearly runs straight into Murata Fuma.
“Oops, sorry, sir,” Harua says, tipping his hat and sliding past before kicking into a run again.
Yudai sighs, leaning against the hitching post out front of the saloon.
The cowboys are getting ready to go this morning. Euijoo is nowhere to be found, per usual. He’s good at avoiding pain. Nicholas is still up in Yudai’s bed, trying to soothe the ache.
Yudai knew he’d run into Fuma if he came out. He came out anyway.
“You have friends in high places,” Fuma says, a smile curving up the side of his mouth. “The mailboy... Impressive. He’s delivered quite a few letters from me to you while we were away.”
“I happened to be the right age to watch over the lot of them when they were kids. That’s all.” Yudai untwists the bag of sunflower seeds, dipping his fingers in and popping some into his mouth. Saliva pools from the salt. He chews, spitting out the shells. Offers Fuma some. It’s only polite.
Fuma takes him up on it. He settles in beside Yudai, chewing thoughtfully.
“Keep seeing you around the last few days,” he says. “Seems like you’re surrounded by plenty of love.”
Yudai picks out a spot in the dirt to focus on. “Never said I wasn’t.”
“You just don’t partake.”
For a brief moment, a rush of anger rises up in Yudai’s chest. Who does this man think he is? A practical stranger. Falling all over himself for a chance with a man who’s made it clear he’s unavailable.
Then, he simmers. He gets it. None of them are under the impression that being queer in a place like this would ever be easy. He can’t blame Fuma for trying. He’s flattered, really. He wishes he were different. That he could be different. But, he can’t.
“Don’t be foolish, Fuma,” Yudai says. “I told you why I can’t.”
Fuma looks at him, circling his finger near Yudai’s forehead. “I’m just trying to understand what’s going on in that head of yours.”
“Alright. Let me tell you how it’ll go,” Yudai says. He meets Fuma’s eyes, refusing to waver in the surety of his stare. “Tomorrow morning after the sun comes up, you lot will be gone. Nicholas will wake to a cold bed, heart broken in two at his feet, and he’ll get up and start his furnace. He’ll hammer away at some more fresh horseshoes, or bits, or whatever gift he’s making for Euijoo until I come around and see if he’s alright. It’s a silly thing, because he’s never alright. He’s all tied up with someone who treats him like a checkpoint to pass by instead of something to come home to, and he can’t claw his way out because the poor bastard is so in love it’s killing him.”
“Mm.” Fuma hums. He takes a few more sunflower seeds. Closes them between his teeth. “I see it differently,” he says.
Yudai nearly laughs. “Oh, really? How so?”
Fuma spits out a shell. “I spent the last three months real cozy with Byun,” he begins.
“Watch yourself,” Yudai warns. It earns him a lazy eye roll.
“He talks about Nicholas more often than he blinks, Yudai. Every other word out of his mouth is Nico something-or-other. Some of the other guys are so sick of him that they paid him to shut up. I’m the only one that will endure it.” Fuma laughs. “Euijoo had a hard life. His mother died when he was young, and his father kicked him out when he was fourteen. He’s never known what home is. He keeps going because he doesn’t know how to stop. He doesn’t say goodbye because that would make it permanent. I think he knows he’s hurting both of them, but he can’t quit something so ingrained.”
Yudai didn’t know any of that. He doesn’t know if it changes much at all. Everyone has a story or four out here. Everyone comes from something broken. It’s a way of living. “I just don’t think that’s a very good excuse, is all. Nicholas is practically the same, but he’s not breaking anyone’s heart. He’s just enduring it.”
“I get where you’re coming from. Nicholas is your friend. But there’s two sides to every coin.” Fuma wipes his hands on his trousers. “It helps to remember that we’re all human. That none of us are just alike. I’m not Euijoo, and you’re not Nicholas, but maybe that’s another reason why you’re scared.”
A wild laugh escapes from Yudai’s throat. “Who do you think you are?”
Fuma smiles and it warms something inside of Yudai. “No one important. Just a man who knows what he wants.”
“And what is that?”
“I’ll tell you next time I come through,” Fuma teases. He stands up, straightening his hat. “It’ll give you something to wait up for.”
Yudai reaches for Fuma’s arm. The scratchy cotton of his shirt is uncomfortable to the touch. “I can’t be anything to you, Fuma. I don’t know how many more ways I can put it.”
“I understand.” Fuma nods. “But— I think you can.”
“Then you don’t understand.”
“Friends,” Fuma clarifies. “I’d like to be friends, Yudai. You ever had one of those?”
“Friends,” Yudai repeats dumbly. He hadn’t even considered it an option.
“Yes. Friends.”
“I—” Yudai stammers. He shoves his bag of sunflower seeds into his pocket. Releases Fuma’s arm. Blinks. “Alright.”
Fuma breaks into a bright smile. He claps Yudai on the back like a friend would. “Good man.”
“You’ve been tracking me around town just to give me an earful about love and tell me you want to be friends?”
“I was open to many ends to my means,” Fuma says. His head snaps towards a couple of cowboys when one whistles to beckon him back to the herd. He nods to them. Turns back to Yudai. “I’ll still think of you while I’m away,” he says. It sounds like a threat to Yudai.
“You shouldn’t bother. Friends don’t think of friends so often.”
“I beg to differ. I think of everyone I care about as often as the sun rises and sets.”
“You’re a real poet, Murata.”
Fuma winks. He tips his hat at Yudai one more time before stalking off to take his leave.
❦
November 7, 1876
Yudai,
Texas is lonely. Too much time to think. I still don’t miss the city. I still think about you, even though you told me not to. Do you play cards? Let’s have a hand next time I’m back.
Yours,
FumaP.S. I might pick up a quick run around job for the winter. I’d come through once, but loop around the mountain on my way back.
November 20, 1876
Murata —
Do what you please. You know I’ll be here. A captive audience for the wayward traveller.
— K
P.S. I mean that to be taken as unfavorably as it reads. And, yes, I play cards.
December 18, 1876
Yudai,
I’m sorry it’s been a while. Work around the ranch has kept me busy enough. We got a frost that killed everything it touched. Never seen anything like it down here. I’ve kept it together, though. Running off the anticipation of seeing you again. I know you’ll roll your eyes. That’s alright. I like that, too. I laughed thinking about it just now. Byun looked at me like I’m going mad. I might be.
Yours,
FumaP.S. I’ve been practicing to beat you at poker. Or are you more of a Faro man?
❦
There used to be a pastor in the canyon, but he got scared off when some lawmen caught up with him. Apparently he’d stolen money from his last congregation a few states East. What little spirituality remained in town left with him.
Everyone that sticks around has lived enough of life to know that God is a myth. A story well-off people tell to themselves when things get rough.
Christmas is just another day, but Yudai is always well aware of it. He knows it’s three days before Christmas when Fuma steps into his saloon well past sunset, shoulders wet from the snow and nose pink from the cold.
The saloon isn’t busy tonight. Only a few regulars lingering. People prefer to stay in when it snows, curled up by the fire. Taki and Yuma are doing the same upstairs— Yudai can hear their intermittent giggles seeping through the floorboards every once in a while.
Fuma grins, shrugging his jacket off his shoulders and hanging it on the back of a barstool. He palms his hat, setting it down on the bar. “Evening,” he says, a teasing lilt to his voice.
“Sorry,” Yudai says, cocking his head. “I can’t seem to remember your name…”
It earns him a warm laugh. Fuma sticks out his hand. When Yudai takes it, he shakes firmly. “Fuma Murata. Always a pleasure, Mr. Koga. You look well.”
“I get by.” Yudai bites back a smile.
Fuma looks tired. He’s as handsome as he was the first time Yudai met him, but his eyes are a bit more sunken in. His hands are rougher. A city boy thrust into the harsh world.
Yudai hasn’t pressed Fuma about how he got here. Why he keeps coming back. Why he really keeps coming back— because no man would put himself through hell just to see Yudai, despite what Fuma is saying. There must be something else there, brewing beneath the surface. Yudai has a feeling he could get to it, if he only picked at the top layers of Fuma with the nail of his index finger.
But, tonight, it’s late.
He pours Fuma a glass of ale, setting it down in front of him with a solid thunk. “How was the ride up?”
Fuma rolls his neck, letting out a sigh. “Managed to avoid the snow, so I can’t complain.”
“How long you sticking around for?”
“Just a day or two, depending on the weather.”
“I’m surprised you bothered at all.” Yudai leans his hip against the bar. He’s testing Fuma. Seeing if he can make good on his promises, or if he’s as helpless as most men are.
“Why? I’m owed a game. I told you I’ve been practicing.” He lays a deck of cards down on the bar, cocking his brow.
Yudai can’t fight the smile on his face.
He beats Fuma five times in a row, and feels like maybe he has, for the first time in a long time, truly made a new friend.
❦
The morning comes with a light flurry of snow. By noon, it’s all melted into the earth by the strength of the sun.
When Yudai goes down to the creek to try to wash the stains out of Taki’s good riding pants and his nicest jacket, it’s cold enough that his nose stings and his knuckles redden. He doesn’t complain. He never complains when he can help it. There are better things to bother with.
He huffs, settling in on the creekbed, washboard fixed between his knees. He’s brought down whatever soap is leftover from last month. He’ll need to make some more soon, but for now it will do.
Taki should be more careful with his things. It’s not the end of the world if he goes out with stains on his clothes, but Yudai wants him to be cleaned up. Yudai doesn’t care how people view him, but he does care how people view his brother. He’s responsible for Taki, first and foremost, even though Taki is his own man now.
When he and Yuma came back late last night after foraging around in the wilderness all day, they were covered in dirt. Yudai would have usually yelled at them, but he was tired. He’d just won five hands of cards in a row, and it had softened him up enough to let them get away with it.
The water in the creek is cold. It won’t freeze over entirely unless the temperature drops low in the next month or two. The worst of winter usually hits around February. Yudai ignores the stiffness in his joints as he scrubs.
It’s easy to settle into a rhythmic motion. He’s only broken out of it when he hears rocks clack together behind him. He whips around, eyes landing on a pair of boots. He follows Fuma’s legs up until he meets his eye. Huffs.
“I’m surprised to see your face again after the humiliation you endured last night,” he teases, turning back to his task.
Fuma chuckles, taking a seat to Yudai’s left, the toes of his boots just shy of the water. “I considered tucking my tail between my legs and getting the hell out of here before you realized I was gone,” Fuma teases right back. “But then I realized I ought to be a bit better than Byun. I have a reputation to uphold.”
Yudai pauses just to smack Fuma with Taki’s soaking wet pants.
“Not funny?” Fuma laughs, shaking off the water without complaining about the cold.
“Not funny,” Yudai confirms, though he’s still smiling.
The knees of Taki’s pants are soaked through with dark, muddy spots. The green of grass adorns the edges like strokes of paint. On the thighs, a few specks of blood. The cuffs of his jacket sleeves are dark with berry juice. He told Yudai he couldn’t remember how it all happened, but he and Yuma were looking for nice sticks to whittle. They came home with a handful of sturdy pieces, so at least it wasn’t completely in vain.
“Have you been wrestling bears?” Fuma asks, honed in on Yudai’s hands on the washboard.
Yudai shakes his head. “That would be more exciting than the truth.”
“What’s the truth?”
“They’re not mine. They’re Taki’s.”
“Mm.” Fuma nods. “He’s your brother, yes?”
“Yes. We shared a mother, but I raised him.” Yudai’s skin has begun to burn. The soap is harsh, especially in the cold. He should have carried water back and heated it first, but he likes to sit and listen to the creek run while he does chores. It helps him think.
“How old is he?”
“Twenty-two.”
Fuma’s lips curve up. “And you’re washing his pants for him.”
A spark kicks up in Yudai’s chest. He doesn’t need to explain himself to Fuma, but he’s defensive where Taki is concerned. “I work hard so he doesn’t have to,” he says stiffly.
Fuma doesn’t flinch away. He looks at Yudai in that infuriatingly thoughtful way of his. “Has he asked you for that?”
“No. And he won’t need to.”
That quiets Fuma.
Yudai’s nose begins to run. He sucks it back in, wiping at it with his sleeve.
“Let me give it a try,” Fuma says gently.
“You don’t have to…” Yudai should put up more of a fight. He’s not the type to let someone else do something for him, but he really hates laundry.
“I want to,” Fuma assures.
Yudai passes the wash board over. The soap. He dries his hands on his pants before tucking them into his sleeves and wrapping his arms around his knees. It takes Fuma a minute to get the hang of it. His grip slips against the washboard a few times, but he’s determined, mouth pressed in a flat line. Yudai swallows a laugh that settles into a smile.
It’s not that this is a test of fortitude. Yudai knows that would be wrong. Pushing Fuma to see if he bends or breaks. To most men, this is women’s work.
But, surprising as it is, and as far as Yudai can tell, Fuma is keen on making good on his promise of being friends.
Yudai rests his chin on his knees. “I don’t have anything to pay you for that, you know.”
Fuma looks at him like he’s gone mad. “Who’s asking to get paid?”
“Just don’t want you to get your hopes up.”
That earns him a chuff. Fuma shakes his head. “I feel like you’re more concerned about my hopes than I am, Yudai.”
Yudai frowns, letting himself get lost in the swirl of the water. Crystalline peaks cutting over pebbles and silt.
“It feels good to do something normal every once in a while,” Fuma says eventually. Still scrubbing at the roughest stain. “A chore that isn’t scooping horse shit or cleaning hooves.”
“I’m not— concerned about your hopes—” Yudai pushes out, before the moment passes for good. “I’m just well aware of what this place does to people. Once the shine wears off, we’ll still be at the bottom of this canyon, living our lives. It’s not very exciting. You should understand that.”
Fuma chuckles. He shakes out his hand, going back for more soap. His palms are calloused from his work. The lye probably bothers him less because of it. “I’ve always wanted a life like this. Somewhere to call home where I know everyone, and everyone knows me.”
It sounds like a story out of a book. A dream of something that doesn’t really exist. “You really are a city boy, aren’t you?”
He lifts his head to meet Yudai’s eyes for a mere pulse. “I’ve never lied to you, Yudai.”
“Alright, then, tell me what you’re running from.”
Fuma’s hands stop. He smiles— a big, genuine smile that makes Yudai’s heart skip a beat. “Ah. You remembered that.”
“I remember most things.”
“I’ll tell you next time I come around.”
An empty promise. But, still, Yudai asks for it anyway, “Promise?”
Fuma nods. “Promise.”
❦
They come in after Taki’s clothes are as good as they’ll get. Fuma follows Yudai straight up to the saloon and pins the garments up by the fire while Yudai stokes it.
He’s keeping the bar closed tonight by way of tradition. His mother always stayed open on holidays, but shut up a few nights before so that they could celebrate on their own.
He half expects Fuma to make an excuse to find something better to do when he starts on the food, but Fuma sticks around. Says, “I never learned to cook, but I can use a knife well enough.”
It’s not unpleasant to share space with Fuma. He’s warm. He smells like the earth and his laughter fills the room like it belongs. Making conversation is easy. Fuma tells Yudai about his travels, and Yudai tells Fuma about the people he meets as they pass through.
Taki shows his face a bit before suppertime with Yuma in tow. He stops dead in his tracks in the middle of the floor when he notices Yudai isn’t alone.
“Didn’t expect company so early,” he says, smiling like he knows something Yudai doesn’t.
“You have company with you,” Yudai points out.
“Yuma?” Taki laughs. “Barely! He’s not as interesting as a cowboy.”
Yudai chucks a berry at Taki’s head. It bounces off and rolls across the floor.
When it’s time for supper, Sooyoung turns up right on time, followed by Jo and Jiwoo, cheeks pinkened from the cold. Harua is in town for a while, so he’s there, too. Nicholas shows half an hour late, once dinner is already in full swing. He sits himself down between Taki and Yuma and starts eating without saying a word.
Yudai breaks out a few bottles of wine he’d been saving for a special occasion. The night rolls on as the fire dwindles, brought back to life by Jo’s careful hands. Yudai feels warm, as he usually does when he’s surrounded by the people he loves. He keeps a close eye on Fuma, trying to determine if he’s comfortable or not.
He seems comfortable. He laughs, and talks, and drinks. He even manages to wiggle his way through Nicholas’ tough exterior, which is more than other cowboys can say. Nicholas has a vendetta against them all.
It’s nearing midnight now. Taki’s lips are stained red from drink as he hangs off of Fuma’s arm. Enamored with him. Taki looks at Fuma like he hung the stars in the sky and pulled the grass to grow out of the earth all by himself. Yudai would be lying if he said it didn’t make his chest ache.
“I always wanted to be a cowboy…” Taki bats his lashes and grins.
“Bite your tongue, brat,” Yudai scolds. He’d pinch Taki if Taki were closer. If Sooyoung weren’t half asleep on his shoulder.
Taki hiccups out a laugh. “Yudai would never let me.”
“He’s a good brother, then.” Fuma shoots Yudai a wink across the table.
“I suppose so… but I still think I’d be good lookin’ on the back of a horse, way out in the mountains—”
“Eatin’ beans out of a can with your fingers,” Yuma interjects.
“Yah!” Taki complains, letting Fuma go just to start wrestling with Yuma. They’re like a pair of puppies sometimes.
Fuma gazes at them fondly, shaking his head. His cheeks are flush with the effects of the alcohol, hair sweaty at the roots. His body is strong. Yudai notices it more by candlelight. The way Fuma’s shirt lays across his chest, shadows dark at his sternum.
He doesn’t realize he’s staring until Fuma moves. Yudai should be embarrassed, but he’s tipsy enough not to care. He licks over his lips, meeting Fuma’s eye. Fuma pulls a quirley out of his pocket. Holds it up for Yudai to see before quietly taking his leave.
Yudai watches him go. Fur-lined jacket slung over his shoulders, muscles in his back shifting.
Sooyoung makes a sleepy noise. “You should follow him,” she says softly.
“Nah.” Yudai shakes his head.
She presses her lips together. “You want to, Yudai. He’s leaving soon, you’d better say goodbye while you have the chance. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
“What do you know about regret, Sooyoungie?” Yudai tsks, but he’s already sitting up straight.
“I got a letter from Minho this morning—”
“Alright, I’m going,” Yudai stops her before she can start. His chair scrapes against the floor as he pushes back from the table. He lets her kiss his cheek before he collects his jacket, wrapping it tightly around himself and following Fuma outside.
It’s dark. The winter is so still and quiet. Yudai hates it.
Fuma is leaning against the saloon a few paces from the door, cigarette glowing orange as he inhales tobacco.
Yudai takes the place to his left, arms folded around his waist. He tilts his face up towards the moon. Nearly full, hanging above their heads.
“I’m leaving early tomorrow,” Fuma says. “Before the sun is up.”
There used to be a pastor in the canyon, but he got scared off when some lawmen caught up with him. What little spirituality remained in town left with him. Everyone that sticks around has lived enough of life to know that God is a myth. A story well-off people tell to themselves when things get rough.
Christmas is just another day, but Yudai is always well aware of it. It’s childish to remind Fuma of a holiday he doesn’t care about in a flimsy attempt to get him to stick around for a few extra days, but the words fall from his lips anyways.
“You’ll miss Christmas.”
Yudai knew he would, but the words fall from his lips anyways.
This is the whole deal with cowboys. The whole reason Fuma can’t be any more to him than someone who comes and goes.
Fuma lowers his smoke, letting it burn off between his fingers. As soon as he opens his mouth, Yudai knows he’s not going to budge. It’s for the best. “I had a really nice time, Yudai,” Fuma says, just as sweet as he always is.
A dusting of snowflakes begin to float down from the sky. The first that lands on Fuma’s cheek melts against the heat of his skin. It leaves him sparkling.
“I had a good time too, Fuma.”
Yudai watches as Fuma registers what he’s heard. Fuma’s name feels strange on his tongue, despite how often he rolls it around in his head.
Fuma doesn’t say another word. He just smiles, and takes another drag of his smoke.
The night ends like that.
❦
Yudai knew that Fuma would be gone in the morning. He’d been told. He’d come to terms with it. But, when he wakes up and realizes that he hasn’t got anything to look forward to for the rest of the day, he feels it in his chest. Hollowed out like a cracked egg, just the slimy remnants of a life left behind.
When he’s being honest with himself, Yudai can recognize that he likes Fuma more than any old man he runs into at his bar.
Fuma is handsome. He’s kind. He’s good with Taki. He’s a sweet talker. When he looks at Yudai, it’s like there’s no one else in the world. It all narrows down to just the two of them. Yudai has always taken care of everyone else. He’s never let the focus fall to him, but he likes when Fuma does it.
When he’s being honest with himself, Yudai can recognize that if Fuma weren’t who he was— bound to roam— he’d be one step into love by now.
He can’t be, though. So he isn’t.
He’s glad to have Fuma as a friend. He’ll miss him.
❦
January 1, 1877
Yudai,
Happy New Year!
I looked up at the stars tonight. I’ve been learning the constellations, though I'm not sure how accurate my information is. I’m getting it off of one of the new kids that just started. Maki is his name. A real country boy, but his daddy sent him to some fancy school for a year or two. Learnt things like Gemini and Auriga, and now I’ve learnt them too.
Maki sticks to me like a limpet. He’s a good kid. Eager. I think he picked me out because I’m the only other one on the ranch that doesn’t belong. It’s a funny feeling. That’s the other thing I envy about a slower life. Slotting into place.
Yours,
FumaP.S. I’m sure Maki will move along once he gets more friendly with the other boys. Does it make me too sentimental if I’m already looking towards that day with an ache in my heart?
January 30, 1877
Fuma —
Happy New Year, one month later.
I’m glad you found someone new to bother. We’ll have to compare notes on the stars sometime. My mother was enamored with things like that, but she never went to any school at all.
It’s funny, really, how different two lives can be just by way of a few states. I’ve never been out of Colorado. Hell, I’ve never been out of the canyon— but you’ve crossed the country. This kid you’ve taken a liking to has us both beat with an education. I always felt lucky that I learnt to read and write at all. Where you come from, it must be common.
Don’t know why I’m getting sentimental. Maybe you rubbed off on me. I’ll wait for your next letter. The winter is long and cold. My least favorite season by far. Harder to distract myself with anything else.
— Yudai
P.S. My favorite is spring.
February 18, 1877
Yudai,
I’ve started and restarted this letter about five times now wondering if I should mention that you finally called me by my name. On one hand, if I mention it, you could stop. On the other, I want you to know how it felt.
Each time I get a letter delivered from you, I can’t quit smiling. It’s silly. You’d probably scold me for it. I know we’re just friends, it’s not that, it’s that someone out there is thinking about me at all. I’ve never had someone like that before. Back in the city I knew a lot of people, but no one knew me. I guess I just want to thank you for humoring me.
I’m glad you know how to read and write. In a way, pieces of you are crossing country each time you send a letter. I know travelling is hard, but maybe that can give you some peace of mind. If you ever wanted to go somewhere, I’d take you. I know it sound farfetched, but I would. I think we could get by on the road. You might like the ocean.
Maki, Euijoo and I went out dancing the other night. One of those places with loud music and lots of girls. It was fun. Maki is good at talking to people. Women especially. I wonder if that’s a class they teach in boarding schools. Euijoo was a hit with the ladies, too, but he’s much less interested, as you can imagine. It was almost more fun watching him blush as he batted them off than it was to dance.
I met a girl who looked me straight in the face and told me she only goes with other girls. It was refreshing. She let me dance with her anyway when I told her I understood. I learned how when I was young, but it’s been a while. I wish you could have seen it. I haven’t been somewhere so full of life in a long time.
There was a big lightning storm a couple days afterwards. I went out on the porch to watch, and all the boys acted like I was out of my mind. I just like to look at the sky. No matter the weather. The clouds were so dark, it looked like the dead of night in the middle of the day. I swear you could feel the electricity in the air. I asked Maki if they taught him that at school, and he told me he dropped out before they could. Funny. I guess we’ll never know.
We have a few barn cats on the farm. There’s one in particular that’s taken some sort of liking to me. A fat little thing with brown and orange ears and a pink nose. She’s sweet. She’ll wind around my legs when I’m out brushing the horses or anything like that. I didn’t realize she was pregnant until she was halfway through giving birth. She hid in the corner and did her best, but only one of the kittens made it. I gave them a proper funeral as well as I could. I’m man enough to admit that I cried. Like a baby. Euijoo found me there, beneath the willow tree with my shovel and wet cheeks. He didn’t say anything. Just pressed his lips together and put his hand on my back. Stood with me for a while.
He asked to see her afterwards, so I took him round to where she’s been hiding. Then he started crying when he saw the kitten suckling at his mama’s belly, so, naturally, I started up again. He hugged me. Euijoo’s never been like that. He’s stoic. But, he hugged me, and I felt good about it. Like maybe we were making progress on something I haven’t quite figured out yet. Maybe that sounds silly.
There’s no reason to tell you these things, but as long as I’ve got you— a captive audience for the wayward traveller— I might as well make good use.
Yours,
FumaP.S. I mean that to be taken as tenderly as it reads.
March 5, 1877
Fuma —
It’s funny you mention how you feel when you get a letter from me. I was thinking this morning, when Harua rode up and passed off a few, that I have a lot of dishes to do later on tonight. Nothing more.
It’s been a long time since I’ve danced. Sooyoung used to like it when we were younger. She’d beg her brother to play his guitar for us and we’d do it in the living room at hers. Spin around until her skirt was all tangled up in my legs and we were laughing so hard we cried.
Did you name the cat? I used to feed a stray that would come around sometimes. I never gave him a name, and I regretted it when he stopped showing up. It’s always like that with me. I’m afraid to make something too serious, and then by the time it’s gone, I realize that it had been serious the whole time, and I missed out on the best part of enjoying what I had.
That’s not meant to be taken any way at all. I’m just complaining to a friend.
I have another thing to complain about, while I’m at it. (And, it is a bit funny to admit that I’m usually not the type to complain. Not out loud or on paper. But, that’s what you get for making a friend of me.)
I think Taki is keeping something from me.
No, I know he is. I know he and Yuma are closer than they’d like to admit. I’ve always known that. But I think, lately, they’ve started something that I can’t fully understand the weight of. I don’t know if they understand the weight of it either. I don’t feel right prying. The last thing I’d want is for Taki to pull away, but there’s something more there that’s almost suffocating to ignore.
It’s in the way they look at each other. Or— how they refuse to. They’ll catch eyes, or bump into one another, and suddenly they’re both red as beets and twitchy beyond repair.
I know it’s unrealistic of me watch over Taki forever. I know it’s not fair to worry that Yuma will break his heart when it has nothing to do with me. But, I do anyway. I worry.
I feel badly that I haven’t told you much about my days, after you shared so much from yours.
I made soup the other day. It was good. Sooyoung complimented it, even though she hates soup.
I have a flower pot in the window in my room. A new bud just made itself known. I guess we’ve gotten enough sun for it. I can’t wait for spring. I said it last time, but I’ll say it again.
Nicholas and I got much too drunk last week. It was the first time I thought I might really be getting too old. The nighttime was grand, but the morning hit me harder than I’d like. Nicholas sprung up and started being loud right away. I nearly tossed him out the window. The longer it’s been between Euijoo’s visits, the more he smiles. I know it’s selfish to say, but sometimes I wish Euijoo would stay away for good, just so I could see him smile all the time.
Taki stained his pants again. I wish you were here to clean them. I hate doing the wash.
— Yudai
P.S. I don’t know how I’d like the ocean, to be completely honest. I’d like to be the type of person who would love it. When I start to think about how vast the world is, my heart starts going too fast and my hands shake. If I left here, I’d have to come to terms with that. How I could walk or ride for days, and still be so close to where I started. I know it’s exciting to some, but to me, it makes me ill.
I almost left once. A long time ago. Maybe I’ll tell you about it sometime. But, probably not.
P.P.S.I lied earlier. Harua made a laugh out of me when I ran up to him and asked if he had anything for me. He pretended he didn’t and then just so happened to find something at the very bottom of his bag a beat later, once I’d already let the disappointment set in.
March 29, 1877
Yudai,
Writing this on my way out. Barely have time to properly lay out everything I want to say, but I’ll be back soon enough, anyway.
I named the cat Clementine, and her baby is Boots because he has white feet and the rest of him is black. I’ll miss them while I’m away, but I roped the rancher’s daughter into taking care of them for me. She fell in love. Now they sleep in her bed with her. They’re better off there.
I didn’t know Sooyoung had a brother besides you. Are you and him close? Maybe we can all have a drink. Always nice to have friends.
What if instead of wishing Euijoo away, you wished that he stuck around? Wouldn’t that be better overall?
Don’t worry too much about Taki. He’s a good kid. You raised him well. Yuma too, even though his hair is too long.
I’m excited to see you.
Yours,
Fuma
April 2, 1877
Fuma —
There’s probably no need to send another letter. I suppose I can expect you any day now.
I just wanted to tell you that I was right about Taki and Yuma. I caught them tangled up in each other by the creek this morning. It would have been sweet if Taki wasn’t gathering grass stains on the trousers I spent a good three hours pounding clean the other day.
He is a good kid. I know that. I just worry. Selfish as it is, I’m afraid he’ll realize he doesn’t need me at all anymore.
— Yudai
❦
It’s storming fiercely when Fuma shows up. Loud, mean thunder shaking the earth. Yudai can feel it to the roots of his teeth. He should take it as an omen. His mother always believed in things like that. Bad feelings and trusting instinct.
But, Fuma takes him by surprise. He’s coming out of the storage room, broom tucked under his arm, and Fuma is there— dripping all over his clean floors. He didn’t hear him come in. The saloon is empty. Then Fuma smiles, shaking the water out of his hair, and Yudai forgets whatever instinct he’s meant to be following in favor of the one that tells him to meet Fuma halfway.
Fuma opens his arms, and Yudai crashes into him, wrapping him up, rainwater be damned. He shuts his eyes, melting into the embrace. Fuma’s arms are strong. When he laughs, Yudai can feel it against his chest.
It’s over quickly. As soon as Yudai realizes that he shouldn’t be touching another man like this in his place of work. He pulls back, but Fuma takes his wrists to hold him close.
“Hi,” he says, smile lighting up his eyes.
Only then does Yudai catch the shape of another person lingering by the door, hat hung between his fingers, just as wet as Fuma.
“Oh.” Yudai shakes himself out of Fuma’s hold. “Didn’t know you brought company.”
The man by the door is younger. Maybe Taki’s age. He’s handsome. He smiles, lifting his hand to Yudai and tipping his head.
“Hardly company. Just someone I wanted you to meet.” Fuma’s smile doesn’t falter. “Yudai, this is Maki. Maki, Yudai. You’ve both heard plenty about each other by now.”
“‘S really nice to meet you, sir,” Maki says politely. He walks over and shakes Yudai’s hand. Smiles so big it reaches his eyes. If he weren’t soaking wet, he might curtsey.
Yudai’s heart cracks in two, making space for one more. He knows that he’ll like Maki just by the way Maki shakes his hand. The eager glean in his eyes, like he’s dead excited just to be alive.
“Wow, Fuma was right, you’re mighty handsome.”
A delighted laugh spills out of Yudai. He takes Maki’s face in his hand and presses his thumb into the smile-swelled apple of his cheek. “You’re not too bad yourself, kid. What are you, nineteen?”
“Twenty-one,” he corrects, puffing his chest out. “I’m a man. Y’know? I’ve got all sorts of useful talents. I’m flexible, too.”
“Alright, now…” Fuma says gruffly, shoving Maki out of Yudai’s reach. “He doesn’t mess with cowboys.”
“Well, I could give it up,” Maki says. If he had a tail it would be wagging. “If that’s what you want.”
Yudai laughs again. He pats Maki on the chest. “See that, Murata? Now that’s a man.” He lifts a brow. Fuma just stares back, lips pressed together. Yudai goes back to retrieve his broom from where he dropped it. “Now, dry yourselves off and clean up my floor. No getting off easy just because I’m glad to see you here in one piece.”
That gets Fuma to crack a smile. He lingers when Maki hurries towards the fire. “I really missed you, Yudai,” he says, much too gently for Yudai to stomach.
“I—” Yudai chokes on nothing. He has to look away before he can manage. “I missed you too.” Then, he comes to his senses. “It’s a shame you’ll be gone again in just a few days.”
“I’ll make the most of the time I have.” Fuma hangs his hat on Yudai’s broom, floor creaking under his boots as he steps away.
❦
News of the rockslide is delivered by horse in the morning. A bad one. No way to tell how long it’ll be until it’s cleared up, but probably a couple months at best. The road both ways is washed out. It’s a miracle that the herd made it through without casualty.
There’s no spirituality left around here, but Yudai thinks if he believed in that sort of thing, he’d think his mother was responsible. She was a hopeless romantic. Lead with her heart. She’d think it’s downright hilarious that the man Yudai is so keen on keeping at a distance is trapped by his side for the foreseeable future.
The cowboys stand around near the stables, scratching their heads and figuring out what to do.
Yudai and Sooyoung are sitting on her front porch, sharing a pipe. She kicks her foot, skirt swaying each time she moves. Smoke curls out of her lips and into the crisp springtime air. There are some trees down around town that’ll need to be dealt with, but they have time.
“Think they’ll stick around?” Yudai asks, tobacco burning his lungs.
“Mhm,” Sooyoung hums. “Not much else for them to do, now, is there?”
Yudai shrugs. He can see Euijoo worrying his lip across the way. Fuma has his hands on his hips, back to Yudai and Sooyoung. “I’m not convinced Euijoo wouldn’t go up there and clear the wreckage himself if it meant running away from Nico.”
“Tch.” Sooyoung swats his arm. “Don’t be mean.”
“Not being mean. Being honest.”
“He’s not all that bad. He has a nice smile.”
“What good’s a nice smile?”
“I don’t know, you tell me.” Sooyoung pointedly waggles her brows.
Now it’s Yudai’s turn to swat at her. “Yah, I told you. We’re just friends—”
“You must be happy that he can stay a little longer, though.” She beams, teeth on display. “It sure is nice to spend time with friends.”
“I’m not happy—” Yudai feels his face heat up at the implication. “I don’t feel anything. One way or the other. We’re hardly friends, anyways.”
“Well, this’ll be a good opportunity to get closer, then, won’t it?”
Yudai glares at her, but she just laughs.
He loves Sooyoung more than anything, but she’s too good at seeing through him.
The first thing he felt when Taki delivered the news about the rockslide was an undeniable twist of giddiness. Like some great fortune had befallen him by sheer happenstance. Then the guilt set in. The worry. But, beneath it, the strong undercurrent of joy remains.
He looks up just as the cowboys break from their huddle. Fuma turns, like he was planning on coming over all along. He picks up his hat just to run his hand through his hair, his arm flexing. Yudai swallows the spit in his mouth.
“Howdy,” Fuma says, smile already taking over most of his face. He lays his arms on the railing of Sooyoung’s porch, head about level with their chests where they sit.
“You shouldn’t look so pleased,” Yudai says, tapping some ash off the pipe. “This should be your worst nightmare. Your boss will be angry.”
Fuma laughs at that. “You have a lot of ideas about what should and shouldn’t be.” He tips his head over his shoulder. “Besides. Euijoo is my boss out here. And he says there’s nothing to do but wait.”
Sooyoung snorts. Fuma’s smile grows.
“What’s so funny?”
“Did he look really upset about it, too?” Sooyoung asks sarcastically. “He just can’t believe he has to stick around and make love to a poor farmer’s boy for a few extra weeks. Must’ve been a hard call.”
Fuma plucks his hat off his head and starts fanning himself with it. “Quite a mouth for a lady…”
The way she looks at him could freeze hell over. It manages to get a smirk out of Yudai.
“Hey,” Fuma amends, raising his hands. “I don’t mean anything by it. Besides, I’d expect nothing less from a friend of Yudai’s. I know you hold your own out here.”
Sooyoung sticks up her nose. “And don’t forget it. Or I’ll have to rethink my decision to scoot over to allow you some room in this old man’s heart.” She pokes one, bony index finger into Yudai’s chest.
“I wasn’t aware I’d been granted that honor.”
“You haven’t,” Yudai cuts in.
This time, they both laugh at him.
He’s beginning to think maybe Fuma is becoming too good at seeing through him, too.
❦
Fuma becomes Yudai’s third arm within a matter of days.
Weeks roll by, April falling into May. The rockslide has been chipped away at, but nowhere near cleared. The cowboys slot into roles like they’ve been here all along. Helping out with manual labor around town while they wait. The canyon is never busy— but with everyone stuck, it’s bustling. Travellers from both directions end up funneled in, waiting for roads to re-open. Yudai is happy to have Fuma around. He needs extra hands more nights than not, now that Taki is sneaking around with Yuma more often than he’s working.
Maki starts coming around. He’s a good kid, as Fuma promised. Loose with his words and easy to laugh. He brightens up whatever room he’s in. Yudai feels a bit parental towards him, but he gets a little rush every time Fuma gets gruff about he and Maki’s friendship.
Having the cowboys in town longer than a few days is nicer than Yudai thought it would be. He isn’t trying to fill in the gaps that have been created with his baby bird out of the nest, but it does wind up that way a few more times than he can count.
He and Fuma are spending a lot of time together. They’re growing closer. Yudai does, truly, consider him a friend, even if he’d never admit it to Sooyoung.
There are still things he can’t bring himself to share. Pieces of his heart that he hasn’t handed over to anyone in a long time. He can’t have Fuma getting too comfortable in a place he’ll leave behind, even if he’s here for now.
It’s the first truly warm day of the spring. Yudai’s favorite day of every year. He and Taki have always gone out on the first nice day to swim down at the watering hole tucked into the woods. Another silly tradition that Yudai puts too much weight on.
He tries not to feel too disappointed when Taki flies out the door, stammering some excuse about having plans, kissing Yudai on the cheek and bolting. He cleans the bartop for what feels like an eternity, focusing on the same spot he just can’t seem to get mess off of.
When Fuma shows up a bit after lunchtime, he takes one look at Yudai and says, “Alright, what is it?”
“Nothing,” Yudai lies.
“C’mon, Yudai.” He crosses the saloon and pries the cleaning rag straight out of Yudai’s hand. Yudai’s aching joints cry out in relief.
Yudai sighs. “It’s the first warm day of the year.”
“So it is.”
“And Taki and I always go out. To swim. We take his horse out to the watering hole.”
Fuma hums in understanding.
“But, see, I don’t have a horse. Spent all my money buying him one. And now I don’t have a brother, either. He’s too busy with his boyfriend.”
“He’ll grow out of this eventually, you know,” Fuma says. It’s probably supposed to be comforting, but Yudai just feels a bit sad. He doesn’t want Taki to grow any more. At all. “And, in the meantime, I know someone with a horse.”
“I’d be worried if you didn’t,” Yudai grumbles.
Fuma’s lips pull up on one side. “Are you ready to go?”
Yudai blinks. “Pardon?”
“I’m taking you swimming, Yudai.” Fuma says it resolutely. Like he’s already decided. “So, is there anything else you need to do before we go? Or should we head out now?”
There’s always something to do. Something to be cleaned, or prepared, or fixed. But, the daylight is burning away, and with Fuma around, Yudai is actually catching up on some of the things on his endless to-do list.
It’s his favorite day of the year, so he throws caution to the wind. “I’m ready.”
Fuma’s smile is crooked. Yudai has to look away so he doesn’t have a heart attack.
He gathers his things and follows Fuma out to the stables where he introduces Yudai to his horse. A sturdy pinto he calls Eve. She’s gorgeous. Yudai tells her over and over again with a hand on her cheek as Fuma saddles her up.
“Don’t get too fond, I’ll get jealous,” Fuma teases.
“Just like you do with Maki, yeah?” Yudai fires back.
Fuma’s blush is impossible to ignore. He avoids Yudai’s eyes as he helps him up into the saddle.
Riding with Fuma is much different from riding with Taki.
For one, Taki is his brother and Fuma is most distinctively not.
Fuma is firm in the circle of Yudai’s arms. He smells like honeycomb and sweat. A masculine musk that makes Yudai’s head spin. His hair is soft when it tickles Yudai’s cheek. He rides smoothly. Talks to his horse as he goes. Yudai almost forgets to give him directions to the water, but they make it there eventually.
The watering hole is more of a glorified pond than anything else. It used to be of more use until the town got more built up and travellers redirected their traffic elsewhere. Now, the grass is long against the banks, save for the spot Yudai and Taki cleared out years ago, next to an old hollow log.
Yudai feels himself bloom under the sun. He tips his face up and stretches his arms at his sides, letting the beams of light warm him. Like a flower. He’d like to be a flower, if he were given the chance.
The loud crash of water breaks through his peace, followed by a splash of water hitting him across the cheek. He yelps, opening his eyes just as Fuma emerges from under the surface of the water, a circle of restless waves billowing out around him. He flips his hair back, hand smoothing it over his head. He’s left his clothes on the bank, only a pair of cotton underpants clinging low to his hips in the waist-high water.
For a moment, Yudai forgets how to breathe. He knew what he was getting into, inviting Fuma here. He knew that— logically— Fuma would strip to swim. He knew that Fuma must be strong under his clothes. He’s spent enough time with his eyes glued to the swell of muscle beneath stiff blouses and trousers. But this is much more real than any of the fantasies he tries to hide away in the very back of his head.
This is dark nipples on the soft swell of Fuma’s chest. The healthy layer of fat over a strong abdomen. Dark hair under his arms and below his navel that Yudai has the unfortunate urge to press his nose into.
It’s been a while since Yudai was touched by someone else. He hasn’t been completely celibate since Minho, but the men he has been with are few and far between. None of them as handsome as Fuma. As gentle as Fuma. As strong, and caring, and beautiful as Fuma.
This is a smile growing on Fuma’s face when he realizes Yudai is staring. A cocked eyebrow. Smug.
Yudai feels a twist in his gut. His mouth is too dry to form any words, though he doesn’t have many to give. He simply unties the front of his blouse, peeling it over his head, reveling in the way Fuma’s smile drops as he looks on. The way Fuma’s pupils blow out when Yudai kicks off his trousers. The peek of Fuma’s tongue when he wets his bottom lip.
When Yudai jumps into the water, he does so gracelessly. He’s aiming to get as much water as possible shot in Fuma’s direction, and not much else. He knows he’s accomplished his goal when he comes up and Fuma has been completely doused, bangs once again hanging over his eyes.
“You—” Fuma starts. “Are impossible.”
A light laugh escapes from Yudai’s lips. “You started it.”
“You’re in for it now,” Fuma threatens.
Yudai howls, flailing as he tries to escape. He feels sixteen. Eight. Twelve. Any age that’s younger than he is now, before he had everything to worry about. Their laughter bounces off the trees and floats away on the wind. He wonders if anyone up in the mountains would be able to hear it, too. This silly, childish thing he’s allowed himself for a moment.
He and Fuma play around in the water until they’re both out of breath and tired. Doing handstands on the floor of the pond, and floating on their backs, and doing anything else that keeps them from getting too close. Yudai can feel it in the air— their resistance to touching each other. Like they both know it’ll be too much. It might ruin everything.
Afterwards, they lay down on a blanket Fuma pulls out of his pack and spreads in the grass. Yudai feels self-conscious about the way his undergarments cling to his skin until he catches Fuma staring. Then, he spreads out like a lizard on a rock. Basking in the attention, his heart trapped somewhere between his stomach and his esophagus.
Fuma pulls on his trousers, but leaves his shirt off. He props himself up on his elbows, finger tracing the edge of his hat where it’s laying on the blanket.
Yudai has found that the more time they spend together, the less he feels the need to fill the gaps with conversation. It doesn’t feel awkward. Fuma is thoughtful. Yudai can see the gears in his head spinning. Yudai breathes deeply, watching a bumblebee float from one wildflower to the next. If Yudai is a flower, Fuma is a bee.
Fuma lifts his arm, palming his hat in his hand. He brings it to Yudai’s still-damp hair, pressing it onto his head. Smiles. “Wow. Looks a lot better on you than it does me.”
“Hah.” Yudai engages his abdomen, lifting himself to his elbows. He pinches the brim of the hat. “Would I make a good cowboy, Murata?”
“No. And I think you know that plenty well,” Fuma laughs. He shakes his head.
“Did you ever think you’d be a cowboy? When you were growing up?”
“Hell no.” He wrinkles his nose. “I thought I’d be wealthy. Had no reason to believe it— I just wanted to be. I’ve never been good at dreaming, though. My life has taken me places I never knew I could go. Like this tiny little watering hole in the middle of Colorado, with a beautiful man who wants nothing to do with me.”
He takes the punch Yudai doles out well, tipping his head back as he laughs louder.
“I want something to do with you,” Yudai corrects. “Free labor and a horse to ride to the watering hole.”
Fuma shakes his head, smile broad. His eyes drop to Yudai’s body for a few seconds too long to be innocent. Like he can’t help himself.
Yudai licks over his bottom lip, the skin cracked in the middle. He can taste the slight tinge of blood. “Tell me now,” he requests.
“Hm? Tell you what?”
“Why you left New York.”
Fuma looks at Yudai like he’s the most incredible thing he’s ever seen. He’s been across the country, lived so many lives, and he still looks at Yudai like that. Like Yudai is the thing that steals his breath. He shakes his head. “You’re unbelievable.”
Yudai’s heart races without his permission. “I’m consistent.” He pulls the hat off his head and puts it back on Fuma’s. “I want to know. You promised.”
“I’ve never lied to you. I’m not going to start now.” Fuma sighs. He flips his hat off, laying it back down on the blanket. He folds his arms behind his head and lays down, eyes squinted towards the sky. Yudai mirrors his movement, laying flat on his back again. “But, I’m not an honest man.”
“Did you really kill someone?” Yudai asks. He knows the idea of it should bother him, but he’s more concerned about the reasoning behind it than the act itself. Maybe he’s a bad person.
“No. Christ, no.” Fuma shakes his head. “No. But, I was caught up with some people that did. Certainly. I was a thief, more than anything else. Running schemes against businessmen that had too much money and nothing good to do with it. I played games with them. Cheated them out of what was theirs.”
“You’re a fraudster.”
Fuma makes a conflicted noise. “That makes me sound smarter than I am.”
Yudai feels a lump form in his throat. “Is anyone looking for you?”
It wouldn’t be the first time he’s seen someone hunted and killed for debts they owe back East. It can take years, but when important people want someone dead, dead they will be.
“No. I managed to pay off a portion of what I owed and I ran before they could catch up to me. Had a friend cover for me. I’m good as dead back home. It’s for the best. Now I just owe a bit to some guys back in Texas. They keep me safe so long as I pay them. That’s why I need this job.”
Yudai rolls onto his side. He folds his arm under his head, resting his cheek against his palm. “Why were you so reluctant to tell me?”
“I dunno.” Fuma blinks open one eye, the other still shut against the burn of the sun. “I didn’t want you to look at me differently. Judge me for my past before you knew me.”
“I’m really not the type to judge for things like that.”
“That’s reserved for those of certain professions, then,” Fuma teases. Yudai’s hands itch to reach out and press hot fingertips into his chest. To dig his heart out and squeeze it in his fist.
“Yes,” Yudai returns sarcastically. He keeps his hands to himself, against all odds. “I really hate shopkeepers. Charging me for goods. Where do they get off?”
“So, you get why I had to steal.”
“No. I changed my mind. I’m judging you for your fraudulent behavior, and I’d no longer like to associate with a rat like you,” Yudai says tonelessly.
“Try again, and maybe I’ll believe you, sweetheart,” Fuma says. He brushes over the term of endearment easily. Like he’s been saying it in his head for weeks.
The lump in Yudai’s throat returns, double the size it was before. He flops onto his back, arms splayed at his sides. “We should have invited Maki out today. I bet he’d enjoy this.”
“He certainly would.” Fuma scoffs.
Knuckles brush against Yudai’s fingers. Yudai flinches away. He takes the momentum and uses it to stand up. Pulls his discarded clothes out of the grass and starts wiggling them on. “Maybe I’ll ask him to take me for a ride tomorrow.”
Fuma sits up like he’s been awoken from the dead. He opens his mouth like he wants to say something, and then closes it again.
“What?” Yudai challenges.
“Nothing.” Fuma gives him a tight-lipped smile. “I just learn more about you every day. You’re less subtle than you think.”
Yudai has nothing to say to that. He slips his blouse over his head, eyes sticking to the hair below Fuma’s navel. He was hoping, unrealistically, that he’d get over whatever fascination he had after spending the afternoon wasting away in the sun. But, he still finds himself wanting to get to his knees and make that spot his altar.
He’s not spiritual. Hasn’t been in a long time. He thinks he might be going mad. Heatstroke.
“Take me back home, cowboy.”
❦
“I’m going to end things with him. For real this time. For good. As soon as the rockslide is cleared and they head out. That’ll be it.”
Nicholas has dark circles beneath his eyes. He looks sad. Like he doesn’t believe what he’s saying. Yudai has just filled up his glass for the second time.
The saloon is busy tonight, band playing, furniture shoved out of the way to make room for a party. The girls are dancing for tips. Sooyoung is on top of a table, swinging her skirt in an old drunkard’s face as he empties his pockets for her. And Nicholas is at the bar, moping into a glass of whiskey.
“Nico…” Yudai sighs, wiping his sweaty forehead with the back of his arm. He’s been on his feet all night, serving the crowd. Even now, he fills a glass with one outstretched arm as he talks Nicholas off the ledge. “Have you ever asked him why he can’t stay? Or are you two just stuck in a battle of stubbornness. Neither of you asking for what you really want?”
“I don’t need to ask him,” Nicholas snips, frown etched deep into his face. “I know why. It’s because he doesn’t love me enough.”
Yudai frowns. So, it’s the second option, then. He knows Nicholas is too stubborn to even admit that, but he hates seeing him like this. He wishes there were a better way to help. He’s considered wringing Euijoo by the neck and dragging the two of them together until they’re forced to straighten it out.
“That can’t be the real reason,” Yudai says. He drops another empty bottle into the crate beneath the bar, uncorking one more to fill up another customer to Nicholas’ other side.
“It is. At least partly.” Nicholas sucks air in through his nose, downing a long swig of whiskey. “But, it’s fine, Yudai. Really. I’ve thought about it a lot. I’m allowing myself one last ride. The extended period will let me get him out of my system for good. Finally.” He smacks his hand down on the bar. “That’s what everyone wants, isn’t it?”
Six months ago, Yudai would have said yes. That is what he wants. For Nicholas to find his way without Euijoo holding him back. He’s softened lately. Now, he just hurts for Nicholas. “We just want you happy, Nichol.”
“I am happy.” He puts on a smile that they both know is fake. “I’m so happy. I’m getting fucked like a dog by a man who’s only here because he has to be. But, at least he does it like he loves me.” He lifts his glass in a cheers that goes unanswered. Downs the rest of his alcohol afterwards.
Yudai glances over Nicholas’ shoulder to the table where a group of cowboys have been sitting all night. Fuma is there. So is Euijoo. Both of them are looking in the direction of the bar, but only one meets Yudai’s eyes.
Fuma cocks an eyebrow in question. Yudai gives him a curt shake of the head.
“He’s looking at me, isn’t he?” Nicholas asks.
Yudai hates lying to his kids. “Yes.”
Nicholas’ smile widens. It doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’d better get my time’s worth before it’s up, huh?”
“Nico…” Yudai tries, but Nicholas is already gone, heading towards the door. Euijoo gets up to follow immediately.
Yudai grits his molars together. One of his regulars raises a hand, calling him to the other end of the bar. He attempts to push all thoughts of Nicholas out of his mind.
Nicholas is an adult now. Just like Taki. And Yuma. Harua, Jo, and Jiwoo. There’s only so much Yudai can do now. And he has to pretend like it doesn’t break his heart.
He smiles at the regular, topping him off. Spins back towards the other glass that he has to fill. He likes working at the bar on busy nights because he’s always moving. Less time to think.
The next time he turns, he runs straight into Taki.
“Ah—”
Taki beams up at him, hands on his arms. “Let me take over for a bit,” he says.
Yudai narrows his eyes. “My brother, voluntarily working on a busy night…”
“I’m not completely useless!” Taki argues. He glances over to the side, and the scheme is up. Fuma is leaning over the bar, arms folded, smile wide.
“How much did he pay you?” Yudai asks.
Taki giggles. “Enough.”
Yudai sighs, letting Taki slip past him to keep the work up. He sidles over to Fuma, giving him a look.
“Dance with me,” Fuma requests, smile blinding.
“You bribed my brother to work so you can dance with me?”
“Sure did.”
Yudai lets out a thin breath, taking a look around the saloon. There’s so much happening— but still— “We shouldn’t, Fuma. I don’t want you getting in trouble.”
“Everyone’s pissed drunk,” Fuma argues, face twisting up a bit. “Just one dance, sweetheart. I’ll make it worth it.”
It’s like he knows Yudai is growing weak to him. His smile, and his voice, and the molasses falling from his lips. “Just one dance,” Yudai gives.
He’s laughing as soon as Fuma takes his hand and pulls him onto the floor. The band has just started up a new song. Fuma spins him around and holds him close. His hands are warm. Callouses rough against Yudai’s softer palms. Yudai wishes he didn’t love things like that— but he does. He’s been dreaming of those hands. How they feel against his skin.
Now his arms are looped around Fuma’s neck, and Fuma is holding his waist as they spin around in the middle of the saloon, and Yudai can’t help but forget everything that’s weighing on him.
There’s no one else in the room. Just him, and Fuma, and the swell of music. Heat blossoms in his chest, one of his hands catching the side of Fuma’s neck. They’re nearly chest to chest. Fuma is slightly shorter than Yudai, but Yudai doesn’t mind. He watches as Fuma’s eyelids grow heavy. As his eyes drop to Yudai’s lips.
Yudai makes a soft noise, fingernails biting into Fuma’s shoulders. His heart beats too fast. If Fuma were to let him go, his hands would shake.
The song ends, the fiddle player giving a loud whoop. The spell breaks. Yudai steps back. He bows to Fuma. “Thanks, cowboy,” he says.
Fuma opens his mouth like he’s about to say something, but he’s cut off when Maki enters the scene. “Now I get a dance, right?” he asks, cocky smile hanging on his face.
Yudai laughs. He pets Maki’s head. “You have to pay Taki off for that privilege.” He can see Fuma’s shoulders relax. He shoots Fuma a wink before returning to the bar.
A few minutes later, when he’s tucked into the storage room to get a few new bottles of gin, he takes a second, eyes closed, leaning against the shelves, hand over his heart, willing the beat to slow down.
❦
“Sooyoungie! Harua dropped off the mail. You have a lovely gentleman caller. Should I toss that one in the fire?” Yudai stops in his tracks when he steps into the kitchen. He didn’t expect anyone at Sooyoung’s place. But here Fuma is, Sooyoung’s good scissors poised above his head.
“Hello, Yudai,” Fuma says happily.
Sooyoung rolls her eyes. “It’s Minho, yes?” She snips another bit of Fuma’s hair, and it flutters to the floor. “It’s probably got something for you in it. You may as well open it.”
“He’s not still writing after me.”
“He is. Just not directly. He knows I’m a better source of information.”
Fuma blinks. “Who are we talking about?”
“No one,” Yudai says at the same moment Sooyoung says, “My brother.”
Yudai shoots her a sour look.
“He’s thinking of coming home, you know,” she says casually, while she’s cleaning up the hair above Fuma’s ear.
The words hit Yudai in the center of his chest. He falls into a chair like he’s been kicked by a mule. “Are you—” he stutters. “You shouldn’t fib, Sooyoung. You know it’s bad for the heart.”
“I’m not. Thought it would be better to tell you while Fuma is here so you can’t kill me for it.”
Yudai chokes out a noise. Then his eyes start to wet.
He drops Sooyoung’s mail on the table and leaves. Only gets to the front porch before he sits down, putting his head in his hands.
He knows Sooyoung didn’t mean anything by it. She’s a fan of tough love. She’s always honest with him. Always straightforward. She knows Yudai has been holding back from Fuma. She knows Fuma deserves to know what Yudai has been keeping from him.
Later, once they’ve both cooled down, Sooyoung will apologize to him. They’ll hug, and get over it. For now, Yudai allows himself to mope.
It’s been damn near ten years since Minho left. He shouldn’t think about Yudai at all. Yudai has more reason to think of him— left around, wading through their memories— but Minho should have a new life. A new love. Something more than Yudai.
“You never forget a first love,” Sooyoung says when Yudai talks about it. Yudai knows it to be the truth, because Minho is his first love, too. They’ll always mean something to one another. Yudai just didn’t imagine he’d have to face it. He doesn’t know what it means for him, now that he’s got his heartstrings tangled up beyond repair in a man he calls a friend.
Isn’t that always how it goes?
Life is hard, and then you die.
Yudai’s mother died of a broken heart. He’d like to avoid the same fate.
He hears the front door open behind him. The distinct creak of boots on wood— not Sooyoung’s.
“I was going to come find you, but I guess you didn’t go far,” Fuma says gently.
“Just needed some air.”
“Mm.” Fuma lowers himself next to Yudai with a soft sigh, their hips touching. “Would you like to go for a ride?”
Yudai lifts his head with a sad sniffle. “A ride?”
Fuma nods. “Yeah. I’ll take you up the cliffside. We can watch the sunset.”
His mother died of a broken heart, and as much as Yudai tries to avoid it, he’s still her son.
So, when Fuma offers his hand, Yudai takes it.
They take the horse up, up, up. The same secret path that Taki and Yuma are so fond of escaping down during the day. Yudai knows because he made them take him once. It’s different with Fuma. He feels less responsible. He can breathe. Stop worrying for a bit.
“I scoped this place out the other day,” Fuma says when they stop. He hops off the saddle, holding his hand out to help Yudai down as well. It’s a lookout point above the canyon. Yudai can see his whole life mapped out from here. The smoke coming from the chimney of the forge. The saloon lights on. Taki and Yuma are working tonight. Out on the horizon, the sun has begun to sink, though it’s still round and orange in the pink sky.
Fuma ties up the horse, sitting down near the edge of the cliff. He beckons Yudai over with a soft nod of his head. Yudai comes. He sits close enough that their knees knock. Runs his hands up and down his thighs.
“It’s nice,” he says.
“Mhm.” Fuma hums, smiling sweetly. The tone of the sunlight makes him glow. Like an angel. Skin soft and a halo of gold around his head, undertones of his hair coming out. His haircut looks nice. Handsome. It was getting so long. Yudai liked it, but he likes this, too.
Fuma reaches out and brushes a lock of Yudai’s hair off his face. It sets off a flurry of butterfly wings in Yudai’s belly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Fuma asks.
“About what?”
“I don’t know. Anything. Taki. Sooyoung’s brother. Whatever else is bothering you lately.” Fuma looks at him. Really looks. Like he can see straight through. And, maybe he can. He’s been picking at the edges to get inside. Yudai doesn’t know how to stop him anymore. “I know it’s piling up, Yudai. You don’t have to pretend with me.”
When Yudai was young, some miners came through town. They were doing a job nearby. They blew a hole in the face of the cliff with dynamite. Yudai remembers it clearly. The noise. The way it shook the ground and burned his eyes. He could feel the explosion like it had detonated inside of himself.
Being with Fuma feels like that.
Yudai hasn’t told anyone his problems in a very long time. Not since Minho was around. Sooyoung knows about them without asking, and Yudai doesn’t want to bother anyone else with his troubles. Nicholas has his own things to worry about. Everyone has their own things to worry about. Life is hard out here. Everyone carries the weight of it.
But Fuma looks at him like he wants to bear the weight. Like his palms are open to the sky, and he’s ready to accept whatever Yudai gives. To keep it safe.
The last year has been hard. Yudai has grown tender like a bruise. Fuma keeps pressing on him, edges bleeding outward.
“I don’t know where to start,” Yudai laughs weakly.
“Wherever you want. I want to know everything about you, sweetheart.”
Another press on the bruise. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do,” Fuma says. “I’ve never lied to you. I mean that.”
Yudai swallows the spit in his mouth. He blinks the tears from his eyes.
“I had to grow up too fast,” he says. “You know? And, I know you did, too. We all did. That’s how it is. But when Ma died, Taki was just a little kid. Suddenly I was responsible for the saloon, and him— and Yuma, too, because his Pa has always been away for work— so it was a lot of change at once.”
“You did a great job with them.” Fuma’s hand falls to his knee. Just a warm, solid presence.
“I know.” Yudai nods resolutely. “I know that. But, it’s taken over my life for the last ten years, and now what do I have? That it’s done?”
“Time to do what you want. For once.”
“I don’t even know what I want.” He releases a wry laugh. “How sad is that.”
“It’s not sad,” Fuma says. He’s always so reassuring. He always looks at things from a brighter angle than Yudai does. He comes from the good rather than the bad. “I think it might be nice. To figure it out without any preconceived notions. There’s a whole world out there— and I’m not saying you have to leave, if you don’t want to— but that’s the thing. You can have whatever you want.”
Yudai knows that it’s nothing more than pretty words. He can’t have whatever he wants. Because he still has obligations. He has to stick around, and he has to run the saloon, and Fuma has to go— so, no, he can’t have whatever he wants. Just like he couldn’t have Minho. Like he can’t have Fuma. He’s destined to not have what he wants, because what he needs is here. At the bottom of the canyon.
“Y’know,” he says quietly. “My Ma died of a broken heart.”
Fuma’s brow furrows. “Hm?”
“She was deep in love with this miner. He would come through, stay for a while. Swept her off her feet.” Yudai sniffles. “She caught him with another girl. A much younger girl. One without kids and responsibilities. He told her afterwards that he was leaving and never coming back. I watched her collapse. Helped her inside. She fell ill the next day and never recovered. She died like that.”
There’s a soft squeeze at Yudai’s knee. “You and I both know that wasn’t the actual cause. Even if the timing aligned.”
“I know. But, it certainly didn’t help.” Yudai peers out at the sun in the sky. Letting it burn his eyes. “I think if she wasn’t so sad, maybe she would have pulled through. But it’s done now, and there’s no use playing what ifs. She died, and she did it with a broken heart. And that’s all I’ve known.”
Fuma doesn’t say anything for a minute. Yudai can see him looking. Frown much too serious, eyes trained to Yudai’s face. It would have made Yudai flinch a few months ago. Now, he endures.
“Sooyoung’s brother— Minho— was my first love,” he admits. “My only love. There hasn’t been anyone since him. Not seriously.” He laughs, unable to keep his vision from blurring with tears. “I was so careless then. He treated me well. He loved me back. We were going to leave together— I was nineteen. Ma died, and that was that. I couldn’t even have that. He left without me.”
“I’m sorry, Yudai,” Fuma says, and he actually sounds like he means it.
“For what?” Yudai chances a look at him. Catches his eyes. “I don’t resent him for going. It was the smart move. He’s in California now. He makes good money. Sends some home for Sooyoung. He stopped writing to me after a while, but apparently he still asks after me. How funny is that?”
“If you went with him—”
Yudai interrupts with a firm shake of his head. “I wouldn’t have. There’s no version of reality where I would have gone with him after what happened. I was so angry at him for asking. He was always better at doing what he wanted than I was.” He wipes a stray tear from his cheek. Fuma catches the next one with his thumb. “And I used to tell myself— near the beginning— that I would follow him down after everything was settled here. But then I got older, and I realized that it’ll never be settled. Life is never settled, it just keeps churning on.”
Fuma sits with it for a long moment, hand cupping Yudai’s face. He studies him. Breaking through the final layer. “You don’t want to go. Away from here. You never did, did you?”
“No.” Yudai shakes his head once. He ignores the twisting of his gut— a reaction to Fuma getting to the heart of him so easily. “No. I wanted him, but I never wanted to go. Not really. I love this place. As silly as it sounds. The only way I could really want to go is if everyone I loved came, too. Taki. Sooyoung. Y—” he cuts himself off before he can say you. He hasn’t got the right to tell Fuma things like that. He isn’t even sure if he means it.
“Yuma?” Fuma supplies innocently. His hand drops, and Yudai’s face suddenly feels cold.
“Yeah.” Yudai offers him a weak smile. “But, it doesn’t matter. My whole life is here. I love the saloon. I love the seasons, and I love meeting the travellers as they come through. I’m not hurting. My life is full of love. I’ve just had some bumps along the way.”
Fuma nods. Then, he reaches for Yudai again. Pulls him firmly into his side. Yudai fits like he’s been whittled out. Like he’s meant to be there. He exhales a shaky, stuttering breath, a few more tears slipping from his eyes. Fuma just holds him. Runs his hand up and down Yudai’s arm and keeps him close. He doesn’t kiss Yudai. Doesn’t even get close to trying.
It claws at the inside of Yudai’s chest like a wild animal, shredding up his guts until he’s nothing more than ribbons of flesh. Until he’s split in two, bleeding over his feet and ripe with want.
He wants to kiss Fuma. He wants Fuma to kiss him.
He doesn’t want to die of a broken heart, but he might not be able to stop it, if the opportunity presented itself. If Fuma took what they both want.
For now, they sit, holding each other, and watching the sun sink below the edge of the world.
❦
Sometimes, when Yudai is having a hard time going to sleep, he heads over to the bathhouse to clear his head. He soaks until his fingers go pruned and then sits for a good while, allowing the air to dry him.
Usually, in the middle of the night, no one else is around. Nothing good ever happens after the sun goes down, after all.
Euijoo walks in as Yudai is sitting there, dripping dry, a towel tied around his waist. They’re both surprised. Euijoo jumps about a foot into the air.
“‘M sorry, Mr. Koga,” he rushes. “I’ll leave.”
Yudai takes one look at him. The dirt smeared across his cheeks and matted into his hair, and his motherly instincts kick in. “You don’t have to,” he says. “This place is for everyone.”
Euijoo falters. He pushes his tongue around inside his cheek. Glances back towards the door. “I guess… I’ve been under the impression that you don’t like me.”
Really, Yudai can’t argue with that. So, he doesn’t try.
“I don’t.”
“Well…”
“But, I don’t want you to leave.” Yudai watches carefully as Euijoo mulls it over. He’s clearly conflicted. He checks the backs of his arms, covered in sweat and grease.
“Alright. If you say so…”
Yudai nods once. He doesn’t shut his eyes again. He lets Euijoo go about his business. Peeling off his clothes one piece at a time. Yudai looks away when Euijoo rids himself of his undergarments. Only turns back when he hears the water still, Euijoo stepping into the bath. It hits him mid-chest. He’s flushed already, sweat beading at his forehead. Some men don’t tolerate the heat well. Yudai wonders if Euijoo is like that, or if he’s just nervous.
“It’s kind of funny that we’ve never properly talked,” Euijoo says. Yudai didn’t expect him to break the silence at all. He thought Euijoo would leave it be.
“You’re usually busy when you’re in town,” Yudai replies, a bit of bite to his tone.
Euijoo’s flush crawls up to settle into his cheeks.
Yudai has been hoping to catch Euijoo some day or another, but Nicholas never lets him get close. He clings. Euijoo allows it. Happily.
“Do you love him?” Yudai asks, point blank. He doesn’t know if he’ll tell Nicholas the answer, whether it’s good or not.
Euijoo stares into the water. “I can’t.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
He frowns. His hair is wet with sweat and steam. He slides down into the bath, holding himself underwater for ten seconds and then coming back up, pushing his hair back from his eyes. He gasps for breath, like it was much longer than it was. His hands grip the sides of the tub. He’s still dirty.
“Nicholas is…” he begins. When he swallows, Yudai can see his throat bob. “He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Yudai softens a fraction of the whole. It doesn’t stop him from lashing back. “You sure don’t act like it.”
“I—” Euijoo sits up straighter, water sloshing around him. He turns his shoulders towards Yudai. There’s a crease between his brows. “Look, I’ve been trying to figure out how to put it into words lately. And the best I’ve got is that— he’s the only thing that keeps me going. The only thing I have to look forward to. If it weren’t for him, being here— I’d never make it in this job. I wouldn’t have anything to ride for.”
“If that’s the truth— if you love him, and hate the work— why don’t you stop?” Yudai argues. A drop of water falls from the nape of his neck and rolls down his spine. “He’s here. Waiting for you. He has a nice gig and a good life. It wouldn’t be hard for him to support you until you figure it out. Why don’t you stop?”
“I can’t—” Euijoo tries, but his words get choked out. He starts again, “I hate being a burden. I hate not pulling my weight. It would be so selfish.”
He’s lying. Yudai can see it in the shift of his eyes. His face is an open book. “That’s not the real reason. We both know that you’re a burden by way of hanging on like you do. He can’t move on. He can’t do anything but wait around for you to come back. So, what’s the real reason.”
“I’m scared.” His words ring out in the empty room, louder than they have any right to be. Once they’re swallowed up by the dark shadows in the corners, Euijoo blinks his big, round eyes. “I’m scared that it’ll stop being good if I quit moving. That I’m too restless for a life like this, and that I’ll just hurt us both. I’m scared— because what I feel for him is deeper than anything I’ve ever known, and I think it might kill me if I sit with it for too long.”
All things considered, it’s a good answer. An answer Yudai is satisfied with, even if he’s not happy about the implications.
“Don’t you think…” he says carefully, “That Nicholas is scared, too? That he deserves your best shot? That the two of you have something that most people will never touch, and that you owe it to him to see something like that through?”
“What if it doesn’t work out?”
“What if it does?”
Euijoo’s lips press together. He sinks lower in the water, until his chin is brushing the surface.
Yudai picks up his things. His joints feel stiff when he stands, but his muscles are relaxed.
“Just think about it,” he says. “Have a good night, Euijoo.”
Euijoo doesn’t say anything more. He just lets Yudai leave him there, soaking in the bath, covered in the stains of the life he’s made here.
❦
News of the rockslide is delivered by horse the next day. Just about two months after it occurred, the road is finally safe. Debris cleared and passage granted.
“We’re leaving in the morning,” Fuma tells Yudai. He came right after he heard. Out of breath and fearful.
“Can we—” Yudai trips over his words. He doesn’t know what he wants. He wants things to be different. “Can we pretend that you’re not? Just for today?”
“Yudai—”
“Please.”
“Alright. If that’s what you want.”
They spend the day in the saloon, doing chores, like they normally do. Fuma laughs at all of Yudai’s jokes that aren’t really jokes. He plays around with Taki and Yuma when they come by for lunch.
After the sun sets, Taki takes over the bar. He swears up and down that he’s got it. Fuma paid him off again.
They ride the horse out to the watering hole. The moon is full in the sky, casting a blue glow over the canyon. Usually, Yudai wouldn’t go out so late, but Fuma has a rifle, and Yudai is a good shot, if it came down to it.
Fuma spreads out the same blanket they spent their time on after they went swimming. He lays down and pulls Yudai next to him. “I’ve been studying up to impress you.”
Yudai laughs, letting himself be pulled. He collapses there, close enough to feel Fuma all down his side. “Does Maki know you’re stealing information from him to use on me?”
“Shh,” Fuma takes Yudai’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “No talking about Maki tonight.”
“I like Maki.”
“Ah, look, there— Cassiopeia.” He points up.
Yudai plays along, smile stuck on his face. He isn’t sure he’s taking any of it in, really. It’s not like he needs to know any of this for his own use. He’s not trying to impress anyone.
Eventually, Fuma runs out of information to share. He rolls onto his side, and Yudai rolls onto his, their arms propped up beneath their heads.
Lightning bugs keep floating past, glowing yellow in the long grass.
When Yudai looks at Fuma, he can’t help the clench in his chest. The way his skin heats and his heart speeds up. It vibrates from head to toe, demanding to be felt. The exact thing he was afraid of.
He knew, as soon as Fuma walked into the saloon just over a year ago, that he’d be a problem. Yudai thought Fuma would run away if he didn’t get what he wanted. Instead, he drew closer. Worked Yudai apart with gentle fingers and a streak of sincerity so deep it makes Yudai quiver.
His mother died of a broken heart, but the last thing she said to him was that she didn’t want him to be scared away from love. “Love is the most powerful thing in the world, Yudai. I want you to feel it. Allow yourself to feel it.”
He does feel it. He feels it every day when he grabs Taki around the waist until he squeals, and when Sooyoung rolls her eyes at him. When Yuma steals his good jacket and laughs about it when Yudai can’t find it. When Jo and Jiwoo sit in the corner and dip their heads together in private conversation. When Fuma looks at him across a room with such intention that Yudai can feel it to the quick of his fingernails.
So, it’s Yudai who touches Fuma first. Who parts his lips and leans in.
It’s Fuma who stops him beforehand and says, “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” Yudai says. He hurts. He’s afraid he’ll never stop.
Fuma touches Yudai’s bottom lip with the pad of his thumb. Cradles his cheek. “If you kiss me, I’m not going to be able to let you go, sweetheart.”
Yudai is dizzy with want in a way he hasn’t been since he was eighteen. Love makes men irrational. It makes them give up rules they set and stuck to for months, and years, and eons.
When Yudai kisses Fuma, he doesn’t know what to expect. He holds Fuma around the neck and keens into him. Fuma’s lips are chapped, but he meets Yudai with a fervor that erases any other sensation from the picture. Yudai can feel the impact of it in the backs of his eyes and the balls of his feet. He clings to Fuma like it’ll make him stay. Swings a leg over Fuma’s hip and claws at the collar of his shirt.
Fuma subdues Yudai with a warm hand running down the length of his spine. He slows the work of his jaw. Lets his teeth catch Yudai’s lip. Yudai whimpers into his mouth. He feels like he might cry.
Fuma tastes like tobacco. His tongue is warm when it meets Yudai’s. He licks into him like he’s taking communion. Yudai is the body and the blood.
There used to be a pastor in the canyon, but he got scared off when some lawmen caught up with him. Apparently he’d stolen money from his last congregation a few states East. What little spirituality remained in town left with him. While he was here, though, Yudai went to church on days when he was allowed to take communion. Like a starved man. Looking for a bit of salvation.
His back hits the blanket, Fuma pressing him into the ground. He lets himself be had like that. He wishes Fuma would take off his clothes, too, but they both know they don’t have time.
When they’ve had their fill, Fuma buries his face in Yudai’s neck. Breathes hotly against his skin. Kisses him there, too.
“I don’t want to go—”
“Stop talking,” Yudai demands. “Take me home.”
So, Fuma does.
He takes Yudai back to the saloon. Tucks him behind a dark wall to kiss him one more time. Yudai goes limp in his arms.
“Do me a favor,” Yudai murmurs against Fuma’s mouth.
“What?”
“Don’t come by tomorrow. Before you leave. It’ll hurt too much.”
“Yudai—”
“Please.”
“Alright. If that’s what you want.”
It’s not what he wants. He just wants to know if Fuma will listen to him anyways.
When Yudai wakes up in the morning, and Fuma is gone without saying goodbye, he finally understands why Euijoo does what he does.
He goes to visit Nicholas. They don’t talk as Nicholas pounds away at his anvil, working on a new pair of horseshoes. They just sit in the mess they’ve created.
❦
NOT FOR SENDING
July 2, 1877
Fuma —
It’s been a week since you left. Nothing and everything has changed. I dream of you every night. I think of you every day. These are things that you’ll never know. I won’t send this letter. I’ll place it with all the others in my bureau and keep on pretending that some things can remain unsaid.
I don’t know how much you know about it, but Nicholas cut things off with Euijoo before he left. He’s been doing badly. He’s never been the type to cry, even when his uncle was around. He’s been crying now. Nothing can help. I hope he gets through it soon.
— Yudai
P.S. For the first time, I don’t have anything else to say. You know it all.
July 3, 1877
Yudai,
It’s been a week since I left. Everything has changed. I think of you all the time. I see you in the stars in the sky. I wish I could be more for you. I wish I wasn’t tied to this job for at least a while more.
I’m sure you know about Euijoo and Nicholas. Euijoo has been doing badly. He cries every night when he thinks I can’t hear him. In the mornings his face is swollen red. I keep telling him to damn the job to hell. Get out. Go back to him. Maybe it’s hypocritical. Maybe not. If he wanted to, I’d take the burden for him. He knows that.
I could go on forever about how I feel about you. About being away. I know it wouldn’t matter. You already know it all.
Yours,
FumaP.S. I never got a photo of you to keep. I regret that every day.
NOT FOR SENDING
August 1, 1877
Fuma —
Taki and I went out to practice shooting this morning. I want him to know what he’s doing, just in case he needs it. I was having a hard time lining up my shots. Taki told me to pretend the trunk of the tree was your body, and the knot in the wood was your head. My breath steadied, and I was able to line up the shot— right between your eyes.
I want to talk to you. I so badly want to talk to you. That’s the problem, isn’t it?
— Yudai
P.S. Of course I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger.
August 23, 1877
Yudai,
I know you told me not to say goodbye, but I regret it more than anything else. When we first met, I told you it’s not my style. And, it’s not. But, you asked, and it pains me to do the opposite of what you request. I’m sure you know that. I’m sure that’s why you asked.
I hope you’re well. I know you might not want to speak to me. I’ll wait for your reply regardless. It’s all I’ve got to keep me riding.
I meant what I said about not letting you go. Trust me, alright?
Yours,
FumaP.S. I think Euijoo is coming around.
❦
Harua brings word that the cowboys are coming back in the beginning of September.
Yudai steels himself. He takes long hours at the saloon. Shuts himself up at night and stays in during the day. He doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to deny Fuma anything, if Fuma asks. As soon as Fuma takes a look at him, he’ll fall back to where he began. Heart tender and aching.
He knows to expect them the night they arrive. Word travelled down the mountain with a couple of passersby. Yudai considers closing up. Literally shutting Fuma out. But he’s too weak to follow through.
He wants to see Fuma. He wants to kiss him again. He wants Fuma to hold him and lie to him and tell him it’ll be alright. He’s tangled up in a mess of his own making. He doesn’t want to hurt any more, but he doesn’t want to continue with the hole Fuma left in his chest. He wants to send letters, but he’s afraid it will hurt more in the long run if he keeps Fuma on the line.
He’ll ask Fuma to stay. When Fuma walks through the doors to the saloon— he’ll tell him it’s all or nothing. That’s the deal.
When the door opens, wood creaking under a leather boot, it’s not Fuma at all. The anticipation that had been steadily building in Yudai’s chest releases with a low hiss.
“Euijoo,” he says.
He doesn’t like the way Euijoo is looking at him. Like he only has bad news to deliver. Like he pities Yudai, even though he just got here.
“Hi, Yudai,” Euijoo returns. He has his hands folded behind his back. Brows pulled together. Mouth pressed flat.
Yudai isn’t in the mood to play games. There’s still a shake to his hands. “Where is he?”
Euijoo flinches like Yudai threw a rock at him. He sighs. Stops a few feet from the bar, lifting a hand to rub a knuckle to his forehead. “He and Maki took the long way round. Someone had to— and I couldn’t, since I’m coming back here. For good. He offered it up to help me out.”
A hundred conflicting emotions begin a war for Yudai’s mind. Anger. Confusion. Relief— as far as Euijoo goes— and then more anger.
He didn’t think Fuma would be a coward. Taking the easy way out to avoid him. So Yudai can’t ask him to stay. He thought Fuma was a better man than that. A more honest one. But, Fuma has never lied to him, so he must be trying to avoid the hard truths.
Euijoo steps up to the bar. He produces a neatly folded letter from his pocket, sliding it in Yudai’s direction. “He asked me to give you this. He said he’s sorry.”
Yudai makes no move to take it. He crosses his arms. “How long have you been in?”
“Just arrived.” Euijoo wipes his palms on his trousers.
“Does Nicholas know you’re here?”
A single shake of his head. “Not yet.”
“But, you’re staying? For real?”
“Yeah.” Euijoo manages a small smile. Nervous. He’s nearly shaking with it. “If he’ll have me.”
Nicholas will have him. Yudai doesn’t tell Euijoo so. He thinks Euijoo should have to figure it out by himself, after everything he’s put Nicholas through.
“Alright. Well…” Euijoo tips his hat, rocking back on his feet. “See ya’ around, Mr. Koga.”
Yudai doesn’t bother answering. He stares at the letter sitting on the bar and wrestles with the sick feeling in his stomach that he can’t name as anything other than jealousy. The door opens and swings shut again. He stares long enough that his eyes start to dry out.
For years now, he’s wished for this for Nicholas. He’s wanted Nicholas to have something good. Now that Nicholas is getting it, all Yudai feels is sorry for himself. The deep pull of envy, threatening to devour him whole.
Maybe he shouldn’t bother reading the letter. He could tuck it into his drawer next to the rest and pretend it doesn’t exist at all. Whatever Fuma has to say won’t make up for the fact that he’s not here. That he comes and goes, but never stays.
Yudai feels stupid. Silly. He got caught up in the thrill of having Fuma around. He let it lead him to a place he won’t be able to back down from. In the moment, there was nothing he wanted more than to have the little world they’d created for just the two of them. He knew this would be the consequence, but he was drunk with desire— a lonely man high on a dose of love.
Now he knows why Nicholas hung on for so long. He knows why every time the anger of being abandoned faded, it was so easy to fall back into Euijoo’s arms. He’d do the same.
He’s a flower, wilting, while the sun is behind the clouds.
He takes the letter from the bar and unfolds it with shaking fingers.
August 31, 1877
Yudai,
I know this letter won’t cut it. I’m sorry. I’m doing what I need to do right by you. Please trust me.
Wait up for me, will you?
Yours,
Fuma
❦
“Ah… I was hoping it wasn’t this bad…”
Yudai exhales at the sound of Taki barging into his bedroom and shutting the door behind him. He’s too weak after crying all evening. Curled up on his mattress on his side, eyes raw and cheeks tacky with dried tears. He didn’t tell anyone he was closing the saloon, he just kept the door locked and went upstairs, the ink on Fuma’s letter running from a smattering of tears.
He didn’t think Taki would be back tonight. He and Yuma were talking about staying over at Harua’s.
“Why are you here?” Yudai croaks, throat burning.
“I sensed something was wrong with my brother,” Taki says. Yudai can hear his belt hitting the ground. Boots tossed to the side. The mattress shifts when he climbs in behind Yudai, curling himself around his back. Warm and solid. Just like how Yudai used to hold him when he had bad dreams.
Yudai doesn’t try to escape. He relaxes into Taki’s arms. Taki is smaller than him, but he’s doing a good job at pretending to be big. “Seriously, Tak. How did you know?”
“Rua said Fuma didn’t come back,” Taki admits. “I figured you’d be torn up about it.”
If he weren’t so exhausted, Yudai might laugh. Such a simple way to put it. Yudai hadn’t even told Taki about Fuma. Not really.
“I’m fine,” Yudai lies.
Taki’s fingers press into the soft flesh of Yudai’s belly. Like he’s kneading lumps of flour out of dough. “Don’t lie just because you’re sad. You know I hate that.”
Yudai releases a shaky exhale. “I knew what I was getting into. I’m just— surprised he stepped out so fast.”
“Maybe he’ll come back soon—”
“No, Taki. He left a letter with Euijoo. He volunteered to take the long way round so he wouldn’t have to see me.”
Taki makes a short, pained noise before falling quiet. Squeezes Yudai tighter.
“He—” Yudai laughs a watery laugh. “He knows I got too attached, so he cut our losses and left. It’s what’s best. He said so himself.”
“You don’t believe that.”
“There’s nothing to believe. It’s just the truth.”
Taki huffs, hot breath tickling the back of Yudai’s neck. “You sound like Nico.”
“Not for long. His boy came back for good. They’re probably celebrating right now.” Yudai’s stomach twists with nausea again. Jealousy rearing its ugly head.
“He’s been waiting around a hell of a lot longer…” Taki mumbles.
Yudai jabs his elbow into Taki’s belly, earning a sharp yelp.
“I’m sorry! But, it’s true!”
That’s part of the problem, Yudai thinks. He knows it’s true. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. He can’t be as strong as Nicholas was for as long as Nicholas was. He’s not built like that. He’s given all of himself everywhere else.
He sniffles, trying to hold back the fresh wave of tears threatening to break through. “I know. I think I’m just kicking myself because I knew it would be like this, but I did it anyway. I was just… lonely. And he’s… well. I like him a lot. I didn’t think anyone would be able to fix the lonely, but he did it so well— and—”
“Yudai?” Taki says, like he’s just a baby tugging on Yudai’s shirtsleeve again.
“Hm?” Yudai shifts, rolling over so he can look Taki in the eyes. Taki is frowning, big brown eyes sparkling in the lamplight. His cheeks are soft, though he’s been rapidly losing his baby fat. Yudai hasn’t found time to mourn it yet.
“What if you went to get him?”
Yudai blinks. “What?”
“You could.” Taki nods resolutely. “If you wanted to. You could take my horse and go. Track him down and tell him you love him. You know? I’d be okay with it. If that’s what you wanted— I would.”
“Taki…” Yudai’s vision spots black for a few seconds— until he can put his head back on straight. “Taki. What are you saying? I have a life here. Everything is here. I don’t— I couldn’t—”
Taki cuts him off with a hand pressed to his chest. His palm is warm through Yudai’s thin cotton shirt. His eyebrows are pulled together seriously. “Yudai, you’ve been busy worrying about me for twenty-two years—”
“I love you.”
“I know! I know you do!” Taki’s fingers curl, nails biting Yudai’s skin. “And I love you too. So much. But I didn’t even know how lonely you were, because you’re so hellbent on keeping it all together! I didn’t even know that you were hurting like that. Because you’ve made life so good for me, Yudai. You’ve given me everything. And I love you so much— but, I’m an adult now. Even if I don’t really act like it all the time. And I’m giving you permission to do something for yourself, instead of for me. I need you to do that.”
Yudai’s breath gets stuck in his throat. His eyes are wet, chest stinging with emotion. “I don’t know if I’m brave enough to do something like that. I think maybe I’ve been using this life as an excuse for why I cant— when really I’m just— not ready. Not wanting to. I think I want someone to love me enough to choose me as I am. Baggage and all.”
Taki’s face twists up like he’s in pain. He tightens his grip in Yudai’s shirt and pulls him into a bone-crushing hug. His mouth is pressed to Yudai’s neck when he says, “That’s okay, too. And it’s okay if multiple things are true. I just want you to know, if you are ready, and want to, I’m on your side.”
A few tears slip from Yudai’s eyes. He muffles a tiny sob in Taki’s shoulder. “I love you, Tak.”
“I love you too.”
Taki pulls back abruptly, taking Yudai’s face in his hands and messily wiping at his cheeks with his thumbs. “Stop crying. You look ugly.”
Yudai laughs, batting him off. He wipes his nose, rolling over to pick up Fuma’s letter. He hands it over to Taki with a sniffle. “This is what he left me.”
He watches nervously as Taki opens it up, eyes skimming over the page. Taki blinks. Frowns. Reads it again.
“Yudai. Are you crazy?”
“Sorry?”
Taki smacks Yudai’s shoulder. “You made it sound like he broke up with you! This sounds like he is coming back.”
Yudai snatches it back. He already regrets sharing at all. “I don’t think so. You’re just too in love to get it.”
Taki laughs loudly. “You’d have to read it very unfavorably to think he’s breaking up with you. And I really don’t think Fuma is that type of guy.”
“What do you know about Fuma?” Yudai scowls. He doesn’t want to get carried away by the tiny wings of hope sprouting on either side of his heart. That sort of thing can kill a man.
“A lot! He was here all summer!”
“As I remember it, you were pretty busy sneaking around with Yuma all summer…” Yudai fires back.
“You’d know something about sneaking around, wouldn’t you?” Taki giggles. “I mean, really, Yudai. In love with a cowboy? You’re practically a who—” his words are replaced with a loud shriek when Yudai tackles him.
They sleep curled up in Yudai’s bed together that night, like they used to do before Taki got too big to share.
❦
September 20, 1877
Minho —
I don’t know how to start this. Hah. It sounds mad. There was a time when I could talk to you all day and never run out of things to say, even if we’d spent the week together. Now, it’s been years, and I already feel like I’m out.
It’s been a long time. Such a long time. I’m really sorry about that. I know you kept writing, and I know eventually you stopped. I understand it. I spent so long trying to keep myself together, and to keep everyone else together, and I didn’t even think about what it must be like for you to be on the other end of that.
Sooyoung says you’re coming home to visit for the holidays. I hope you know that there’s no church in town anymore. You haven't taken up the gospel out there, have you? Ah. I wonder if it will feel different. Seeing you. Talking to you. This already feels different, but I’m not as scared as I thought I’d be.
I’ve been sorting things out. My feelings. My heart. I regret a lot, but I never regretted you. You taught me so much. I’m really thankful for all of that.
Recently, I’ve been trying to imagine myself somewhere other than here. In this canyon. I’ve given myself a deadline. If I get to next spring, and I still feel like a caged bird, I’ll try something new. Maybe I’ll head west. I don’t know. I shouldn’t talk in certainties. So much can change in a few months. I’m waiting for something I don’t know if I should be waiting for. Something I’m not sure is coming at all. I owe it to myself to try.
So much has changed since you left. I’m sure Sooyoung keeps you well versed. Taki is so big now. He and Yuma are sweet on each other. They’re attached at the hip. The general store got new owners. Nicholas is quite good at blacksmithing, even though he thinks the opposite. And I’m an even better shot than I was when I was eighteen, if you can believe it.
All this to say, I hope you do come to visit. I hope we can spend some time together when you do. I think it’ll do us both good. Or, I shouldn’t speak for you, but it’ll do me good.
— Yudai
September 20, 1877
Fuma —
Euijoo delivered your letter. I’d be lying if I told you that I was happy about it. I think I hate you. I want to hate you. I don’t hate you at all. I still think of you every day. The taste of your tobacco and the way your hands felt against my skin. If I never see you again, I’ll die thinking of you. You know that, right? That I fell in love?
Taki says I should read your letter favorably. That you’re coming back. I want to believe you are. I want to believe you’re not. I don’t know what I want.
All this to say, I’ll wait up. For a little while, at least, I’ll wait up. But, I’m not happy about it.
— Yudai
October 14, 1877
Yudai,
When I realized I had a letter from someone other than my sister I nearly cried. Really, I made such a noise that my neighbor came to check on me to see if I’d been hurt.
At the risk of sounding entirely uncouth, I missed you terribly. I still think of you often, even though I know I shouldn’t. I find myself drifting off during long work days, imagining what you and Sooyoung must be up to. Over time, I’ve lost bits of reality. The shape of your jaw. The precise color of your eyes (though I could never forget that they’re brown). Your laugh, though, is still perfectly clear in my mind. I can hear you and Sooyoung bickering and squealing in the creek. Splashing each other with water. It’s comforting at my worst moments, and my best.
How have you been? Wait, no, don’t tell me. Save it for when I’m home. We’ll catch up over a glass of your finest. I want to hear it all. I want to know everything. I can’t wait. I’m considering telling my supervisor I’ll be leaving tonight instead of in a month and a half’s time. Isn’t it funny how different things can be? I used to dream of leaving, and now I dream of coming home.
I’ll be home in time for Christmas. It was always my favorite. I still haven’t found God, and I never will, that’s a promise.
I’m so happy to hear from you, Yudai. Trust me, I never gave up because I didn’t care, but because I thought it would be easier for you to stop hearing from me. I’ve always wanted the best for you. I think you know that.
Much love,
Minho
❦
The snow holds off for about as long as it can. For a while, Yudai pretends that it’s playing the same waiting game as he is. But, days drip by like honey from a spoon, Fuma doesn’t come home, and the snow falls, whether Yudai likes it or not.
He’s fallen back into the same routine he had before Fuma. He works. Takes care of Taki and himself. Works some more. Falls asleep as soon as his body hits the bed at nighttime, because he’s run himself exhausted.
As the days pass, Yudai’s friends quit looking at him with such a deep sense of pity. Nicholas stops avoiding him. Admits that he thought Yudai might be upset, because he managed to work things out with Euijoo. “No, never,” Yudai tells him, the ugly bubble of jealousy still surging in his belly.
Euijoo has a hard time settling in at first. He acts like it’s his first day on earth. The first time he comes by the saloon alone after working in the stables all afternoon, he spills a mug of ale across the floor and then gets his boots soaked trying to clean it up.
After a while, it’s hard to dislike the man. Even after so many years of harboring hatred towards Euijoo, Yudai can’t find it in himself to keep it up. Euijoo is a sweet kid. He’s a little clumsy, but he has a pretty smile, and he pulls Nicholas’ chair out for him. He’s so earnest that it makes Yudai feel raw whenever their conversations dip past surface level.
Euijoo has a hard time settling in at first, but once he’s settled, everyone forgets what it was like before he was around.
Nicholas smiles all the time. He glows. His work thrives. Yudai is so happy for him that it hurts. He’s truly so happy, but in his worst moments, he still feels unbearably sad.
It’s about a week before Christmas. Yudai is always keeping track of things like that. He’s already planning out what he’ll make for family dinner next week. The bottles he’ll pull from the cellar to share.
The saloon is empty tonight— as it usually is for the first snow. Yudai got curious when none of his regulars stopped by, so he peeked outside a little while ago. Fat flakes float down from the sky, sticking to the dirt. Yudai can breathe a bit easier knowing that no one else will be riding in tonight.
There are a couple of cowboys coming up, Harua told him this morning. He doesn’t know which ones. He doesn’t know if it’s Fuma or not. He tried to squeeze it out of his contact up the mountain, but it was useless. He pouted at Yudai when he broke the news, eyes wide and worried until Yudai ruffled his hair and told him it’s alright. He’s been on edge all day. Waiting for something he isn’t sure will come.
He sighs, considering whether he should bother leaving the lights on. He could go upstairs. Start a fire and read a book. Go to sleep early. It might be nice. His back has been aching. He’s truly getting old.
Just as he’s about to clean up for the night, the door opens. Every muscle in Yudai’s body tenses. His breath stops. He lifts his head. It starts again, a hot flood of relief pouring through his veins.
Minho looks nearly exactly as he did ten years ago. He’s just as tall. Just as handsome, chestnut brown hair curling around the backs of his ears. His smile still sets off sparks in Yudai’s chest. He’s older now— the lines of age etched into his face. His body is that of a man who’s worked for his keep, strong and tough. He shakes a dusting of snowflakes off his head. Grins. Yudai can’t help the giddy giggle that spills out of his mouth.
He nearly trips over himself rounding the bar. Minho meets him halfway. He wraps Yudai in his arms and spins him around. Squeezing him so tight he might pop.
“Oh, goodness,” he murmurs against Yudai’s hair. “You haven’t changed a bit.”
“I’ve changed a bit.”
Minho laughs. It’s exactly the same. He pull back, holding Yudai by the shoulders to take a good look at him. His eyes have always been so expressive. His smile cocks up his mouth. Yudai wishes it made him feel the way Fuma’s smile does.
“A bit,” Minho concedes. “But just a bit. God. Look at you. I’m so happy to see you.” He pulls Yudai in again for another hug.
It takes a while for Minho to get over the excitement of having Yudai at the tips of his fingers again, but then, he settles down. Yudai puts another log on the fire, because he has a feeling they’ll be here for a while. He locks up, and Minho has moved from the bar to a table, striking a match to light a lamp. Yudai watches him do it. He pours them both a glass of ale and takes the place across from Minho.
It’s been a long time since Yudai entertained anyone like this.
Yudai asks Minho to talk first, and Minho does. He tells Yudai about everything. California. His work. The ocean. How hard it was at first, and how it still doesn’t really feel like home. How much he misses Sooyoung. He tells Yudai that he hasn’t found anyone else that he cared for as much as he did Yudai, and he’s not sure if he ever will. From anyone else, it might feel loaded, but from Minho it just feels honest. There’s no expectation behind it, just acceptance.
When it’s Yudai’s turn to share, they’re on their second glasses of drink. Loosened by good company and the warmth of the fire. Minho’s big, brown eyes catch the light in such a way that he looks made of stars. Yudai feels safe. So, he tells Minho about Fuma. From the start. Every sick little detail. He sheds a tear or two. Minho drags his chair over next to Yudai so he can cup his face in his hands and wipe them away.
“I wish I could say that there hasn’t been anyone else but you,” Yudai says. “I really do.”
“It’s alright, kid,” Minho laughs, deep and warm. Yudai’s heart jumps at the nickname he hasn’t heard in so long. “I was wondering if you’d still be free. But it’s no surprise someone else has stolen your heart. You’re so worthy of love, Yudai. And you have so much love to give.”
“Hah.” Yudai sniffles. “He’s a fraudster. A cheat. A thief, Minho. I wish it were you and not him.”
Even as he says it, he can feel that his heart isn’t in it. He had hoped that seeing Minho would bring him clarity. Maybe he wanted things to be different. For Minho to wake up something dormant. But, the only clarity he’s gotten is the understanding that he really does want Fuma. No one else.
Minho chuckles, wrapping his arm around Yudai’s shoulders and pulling him into his side. His big hand cups Yudai’s shoulder, thumb running back and forth over the curve. “You don’t mean that.”
“I don’t. But I wish I did.”
Minho kisses his head. Yudai shuts his eyes and takes in a shaky breath.
If Fuma isn’t one of the cowboys on his way up, he decides, he’ll write. One last try at mending his broken heart.
❦
A few days later, Maki turns up.
Yudai tries not to be disappointed. He’s not disappointed. He missed Maki, too. He’s glad to see him. But, Maki isn’t Fuma.
Maki comes in hot with a dazzling smile and a strong hug. He flirts, as he always does.
This time, Yudai would be lying if he said he didn’t think about it. A petty way to get back at Fuma— to make him as sad as Yudai feels. Then he realizes it would be a futile pursuit. One that would just make him worse in the long run. It wouldn’t be fair to himself, or Fuma, or Maki.
So, he keeps Maki at arm’s length. Shoots him warning looks when he gets too close.
Maki doesn’t say anything about Fuma, and Yudai doesn’t ask, because he’s afraid to hear the answer.
A few nights before Christmas, he shuts the saloon and cooks for his family. Everyone comes by, including Minho and Maki. Sooyoung turns up right on time, followed by Jo and Jiwoo, cheeks pinkened from the cold. Harua is in town for a while, so he’s there, too. Nicholas and Euijoo show up hand in hand half an hour late, once dinner is already in full swing. They sit on either side of Taki, cheeks pink and matching smiles on their faces.
Yudai breaks out a few bottles of wine he’d been saving for a special occasion. The night rolls on as the fire dwindles, brought back to life by Jo’s careful hands. Yudai feels warm, as he usually does when he’s surrounded by the people he loves.
It’s nearing midnight now. Taki’s lips are stained red from drink as he hangs off of Yuma’s arm. He looks at Yuma like he hung the stars in the sky and pulled the grass to grow out of the earth all by himself. Yudai would be lying if he said it didn’t make his chest ache.
“Are you doing alright?” Sooyoung murmurs, lifting her head off his shoulder.
“I’m alright.” Yudai takes the opportunity to scooch back. “I think I’m going to get some air.”
Sooyoung offers him a sad, sleepy smile. “Call if you need anything.”
“I will.” Yudai’s chair scrapes against the floor as he pushes back from the table. He lets her kiss his cheek before he collects his jacket, wrapping it tightly around himself and heading outside.
It’s dark. The winter is so still and quiet. Yudai hates it. He’d like it more if Fuma were here to warm him up and fill the silence.
Yudai takes a spot leaning against the saloon a few paces from the door. He pulls a quirley out of his pocket, lighting it with cold fingers. On his first inhale, the end glows orange.
He tilts his face up towards the moon. Nearly full, hanging above his head.
There used to be a pastor in the canyon, but he got scared off when some lawmen caught up with him. What little spirituality remained in town left with him. Everyone that sticks around has lived enough of life to know that God is a myth. A story well-off people tell to themselves when things get rough.
Christmas is just another day, but Yudai is always well aware of it. It’s childish to feel sad over a holiday he doesn’t care about all that much, but he feels Fuma’s absence extra tonight. A portion cut out of him that he doesn’t trust to scab over.
A dusting of snowflakes begin to float down from the sky. The first that lands on Yudai’s hand melts against the heat of his skin. It leaves him sparkling.
Yudai frowns and takes another drag of his smoke.
The night ends like that.
❦
December 31, 1877
Fuma —
How long am I meant to wait for something that I’m not sure is coming?
Minho came home. He still loves me. I wish you would set me free.
— K
P.S. One of those things is a lie.
❦
Nothing good ever happens after the sun goes down.
At least that’s what Yudai used to tell Taki when he wanted him to behave after suppertime. The coyotes will bite and the bandits will rob. Better off not setting foot outside, no way to tell what predators lurk in the shadows where lamps don’t reach.
The canyon isn’t a place where people linger, it’s a place where they rest on their way somewhere else. All sorts of characters ride through year round, so long as the weather allows it. Yudai has been doing this long enough to know the patterns.
Nothing good ever happens after the sun goes down.
When the door to the saloon swings open, it’s already long after anyone should be due in. During a nasty February snow storm, the roads impassable. Yudai closed hours ago, because it’s not safe for anyone to be out. Taki and Yuma are holed up at Yuma’s place for the night. Yudai has plans to stay here and try not to freeze.
“We’re closed,” Yudai calls from the storage room. He’s been organizing his supply all day. Seeing what he needs to order before the rush in Spring.
“Was hoping you’d make an exception,” the visitor calls back.
Yudai’s hand freezes where it’s hovering in front of a bottle of rum. His heart stutters before doubling time. It can’t be, he thinks. It couldn’t be. It’s too harsh outside— travelling is too risky.
He drops his arms, hands curling into fists, nails biting into the heels of his palms. After he’s steadied himself, he steps out into the saloon.
Fuma isn’t wearing a hat. Of everything, that’s what Yudai notices first. His hair is wet from the storm, dark brown and long. Kissing the nape of his neck. He’s smiling, like he has any right to be here, right now, with no warning.
“Happy New Year, Yudai,” he says warmly.
It sets off a flare of anger in Yudai’s chest. His eyes well with tears on instinct. “It’s February.”
“I had things to do.” Fuma shrugs. So casual as he holds Yudai’s heart in his hands. “But, I’m here now. If you’ll have me.”
A mean laugh leaves Yudai’s lips. He turns, walking straight behind the bar and pouring himself a glass of his strongest. He downs half of it in one go. Gags at the burn. “Who do you think you are, Murata?” he demands.
Fuma hasn’t moved from his place in the middle of the floor. He looks at Yudai like he’s worried, his smile slipping into a soft frown. “I thought I was someone you were waiting up for.”
Yudai slams back the rest of his liquor. The glass thunks solidly against the bartop, making him flinch. “Half a year, Fuma. You made me wait half a year without a word. And now, what? You only came back because you thought someone else might take me? Is that it? Now that Minho is here, you feel threatened enough to make yourself known? Would you have let me rot otherwise?”
“Excuse me?” Fuma’s expression collapses. His forehead wrinkles, mouth pulling down harshly.
“The letter!” Yudai half-shouts. He’s getting angrier now.
When Yudai was young, some miners came through town. They were doing a job nearby. They blew a hole in the face of the cliff with dynamite. Yudai remembers it clearly. The noise. The way it shook the ground and burned his eyes. He could feel the explosion like it had detonated inside of himself.
Being with Fuma feels like that.
“I told you that Minho is back, and he still loves me, and that’s what finally got you to bother with your time.” Yudai can feel a tear begin to fall. He turns himself around so Fuma isn’t party. He rubs his cheek clean with a rough touch. “You’re just like every man. I don’t know why I thought differently.”
If he really thinks about it, Yudai doesn’t have much reason to treat Fuma this way. He told Fuma he was waiting up. He offered the information about Minho. He enticed him home. But, he is angry. Because it’s been so long since he saw Fuma, and Fuma should be on his knees, apologizing, but instead he came in here with a smile. Like everything was alright and nothing changed while he was gone.
Like the world stops spinning for Yudai when he’s not around.
Fuma’s boots are heavy on the wood floors. They creak beneath him as he walks closer. As he rounds the bar, and gives Yudai nowhere to run but his arms. It’s an unfair strategy. He must know that Yudai is completely weak to him. Even now. No matter how angry he gets.
“Yudai, sweetheart, I never got a letter,” Fuma says softly. He’s close enough that Yudai can feel his body heat radiating off of him. “I haven’t been to the ranch in months. I quit as soon as we got back from the last round, and I’ve been on the road since then, or I would have written more often. You know I would have.”
When Fuma’s hand meets Yudai’s elbow, Yudai doesn’t jerk away. He goes, easily, when Fuma takes him and pulls him into his chest. He closes his eyes and drops his head to Fuma’s shoulder. Turns to inhale the scent of him.
Fuma cradles Yudai’s skull in one hand, the other at the small of his back. “I got a job working with the railroad to pay off the rest of my debt. I still have a ways to go, but my schedule will be different. I can be here— most of the time. I want to be here, Yudai. With you.”
“You don’t mean that,” Yudai says, even as his fingers curl into the leather of Fuma’s jacket. Holding tight like he’ll never let go.
“I do.” Fuma slides his hand around to cup Yudai’s jaw. He coaxes his head back. Forcing Yudai to face him.
Fuma needs to shave. He has a strong nose. A strong brow. He’s devastatingly handsome. He’d probably do well with women, if he entertained them. He’s not the type to be cocky about it. Yudai knows that. He knows him. Yudai knows everyone who comes around, and he’s known Fuma since the first evening he walked in.
“Every day, I’ve thought of you. I tried to find a way to send word, but everything was a dead end. The one time I got a letter out, the mailboy got shot down on his way. But I came as soon as I could, Yudai, you have to believe that.” His thumb strokes Yudai’s cheek, right at the bone. “I’ve never lied to you.”
Yudai hiccups weakly. His heart slams against his ribs, threatening to crack the bone. “I’m still angry with you. I don’t know how long it’ll take for that to go away.”
“That’s alright.” Fuma releases a breath. Like he’d been holding it. His smile returns, a pretty curve of his lips. “God, it’s alright, Yudai. As long as you let me make it up to you.” He leans in, dry, warm lips meeting the corner of Yudai’s mouth. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. You don’t know how sorry I am. I’m here now. For you. With you.”
They’re so close that Yudai can feel Fuma’s breath against his mouth. When he turns his head a few degrees, his nose brushes Fuma’s. When he says, “Make it up to me, then,” he can already feel Fuma’s lips against his own before Fuma does just that.
This kiss is nothing like the ones they shared before. It’s weighed down by everything that’s happened since. Lifted up by the fresh breath of relief. Cut through with a streak of anger so deep that Yudai tastes blood when he bites Fuma’s bottom lip.
Fuma meets him where he is. He holds Yudai close. Lets him take, and gives back the same. He tastes like tobacco and smells like sweat. Yudai wouldn’t have it any differently. He loves Fuma just like this.
He loves Fuma. In ways he didn’t think it possible to love someone. The last time he felt this way, he was so young. Now he’s grown, and he knows the full weight of the world, and he’s run out of hope, but he still loves Fuma down to the marrow of his bones. Against all odds. Despite his preconceived notions, and the desperate fight to stay away from anything that would make him feel. He loves Fuma.
His hands wander. He pushes Fuma’s jacket off his shoulders. It lands on the ground with a slap. Fuma chuckles. He goes right back to kissing Yudai. Licks into his mouth and slides his hands into the back pockets of Yudai’s trousers, pulling their hips flush together.
“I love you, Yudai,” he says. Like it’s common sense.
In a way, it is. No one else would cause such upheaval for Yudai in the way Fuma did.
“I do,” Fuma says. “I love you. I’ll keep on loving you until you tell me to stop.”
“Don’t stop,” Yudai manages between kisses. He has one hand fisted in Fuma’s hair, the other wrapped around his neck, thumb pressing at his Adam’s apple, trying to prove to himself that this is real. Fuma is here. Breathing beneath him. “Don’t you dare stop.”
Fuma smiles into Yudai’s mouth. He moves, curling his hands around Yudai’s thighs and lifting him onto the bartop. They barely part as he settles between Yudai’s legs, hands working Yudai’s shirt out of his pants just so he can touch him under his clothes. Yudai arches into him like a starved man. That’s what he is.
“I’ve dreamed of this,” Fuma says gruffly. He thumbs under the line of Yudai’s ribs. “Damn, Yudai. You’re perfect. I love you.”
Yudai is dizzy with need. He’s undone. Wet-mouthed and hot-cheeked. He twists his legs around Fuma’s waist. “Let’s go to bed. I want more than I can have here.”
Fuma chuckles. He follows directions well. He kisses Yudai once more, filthy and deep, before helping him off the bar.
They escape upstairs, fingers twined. Yudai feels shy about showing Fuma his bedroom for all of one moment before Fuma is on him again, and he forgets to worry at all. Fuma wraps around his back, kissing his neck. He begins unbuttoning Yudai’s shirt. Yudai gasps at the feeling of Fuma’s calloused hands against the planes of his stomach. Rough versus smooth. Hard versus soft. They’re a well matched pair. Complements rather than opposites.
Yudai gets impatient rather quickly. He turns around, takes Fuma by the hips and manhandles him down onto the bed. Fuma opens his knees to make room, and Yudai steps between them. He takes Fuma’s face in his hands.
Fuma stares up at him with parted lips, breathing soft, shallow breaths. “What do you want? I’ll give it to you.”
“I want your clothes off.” Yudai revels in the way his fingertips sink into Fuma’s cheeks. Stubble under his thumbs.
“Alright.” Fuma nods. “Anything.”
“Anything?”
“Yeah. For you, yeah.”
Yudai’s eyelids flutter. He bends down, stopping just short of Fuma’s mouth. He laughs when Fuma cranes up, expecting a kiss. Yudai rewards him with a small peck. “You’ll let me take you, then? I know some men are squeamish.”
Fuma’s breath hitches, barely audible. He swallows, mouth crooking up. “I’m not most men, Mr. Koga. I like giving and taking.”
“Good,” Yudai drags his thumb over Fuma’s bottom lip, letting it dip onto his tongue for a few seconds. Fuma waits patiently, looking up at Yudai with glassy eyes. He’s so pretty like this. He’s pretty always, but now— in Yudai’s bed, offering himself up like this— Yudai’s cock is already hardening in his pants.
He pushes Fuma onto his back, climbing on top of him. They shed their clothes like wild animals might. Between bites and scratches. Kisses to soothe the ache. The taste of liquor on Yudai’s tongue has long since mingled with Fuma’s tobacco. One and the same.
Yudai breaks away only to light the lamp. He can feel his heart beating in his skull. His length hangs heavy against his thigh as he procures oil from the dresser. The bottle is almost empty. He’s been using it more than he should since Fuma left. On the loneliest nights.
He takes a while admiring Fuma. He bats Fuma’s hands away when Fuma tries to do the same to him.
Fuma is strong all over. It’s more obvious when he’s laid bare like this. The bulky muscle in his legs. His torso is thick, a layer of fat over a strong core. A dark thicket of hair between his legs. Even his cock, which lays uselessly against his hip, drooling over in anticipation, is sturdy. A pretty vein lining the underside. Yudai longs to get his mouth on it. To feel it inside of him. But they have time for that later. For now, he wants this.
“It’s been a while,” Fuma warns, but his face is devoid of fear. He only looks eager as Yudai presses two fingers to his entrance, circling his hole. Then, when Yudai pushes in, he drops his head back, releasing a noise of ecstasy.
His hands tighten in the linens as Yudai opens him up. Yudai takes his time. He kisses the inside of Fuma’s knees. His thighs. He bites Fuma’s stomach, groaning around the soft give of his flesh. Finally, he’s able to press his face into the spot beneath Fuma’s navel, breathing in the musk of him. Fuma jerks, tightening around Yudai’s fingers.
Once Fuma is good and ready, Yudai pulls out and wipes his fingers on the bed. He used to wish there were a less messy way to do this, but he’s long come to enjoy the nature of the act. The sweat, and heat, and filth. The intimacy of the thing peels back his hard outer shell and forces him to give into emotion.
He can feel it now, as he lines himself up to Fuma’s rim, length slick with oil. He’s overwhelmed before he’s even inside. He’s angry, still, and he’s in love, and he’s so, so grateful to have this. To be allowed something so sweet.
When he fucks men that are passing through, it’s never face to face. He turns over, or they do. Yudai doesn’t want anyone he doesn’t love to see him like that. Like this.
He presses in inch by inch, easing Fuma into the stretch. Fuma takes it, like he promised he would. He’s tight. Hot and wet. Yudai’s mouth pools with spit. When he bends down to kiss Fuma, seated fully inside of him, he makes a mess of them both, saliva spilling over their lips.
Fuma moans. A deep, true rumble from the center of his chest. “C’mon, sweetheart,” he urges through grit teeth.
Yudai doesn’t think about if it’ll hurt. He begins to move. Fuma cries out at the first hard thrust. It’s strong and sharp. Yudai feels pleasure shoot straight up his spine. He keeps going. Pins Fuma’s hands to the mattress and sets up a mean pace.
Fuma relaxes in the palms of Yudai’s hands. He turns to putty. His grunts go soft, until they’re willowy moans, slurred renditions of Yudai’s name.
The dark flush that blooms across Fuma’s chest makes Yudai swell with pride. The sweat beading over his lip.
He finds Fuma’s sweet spot and doesn’t let up until Fuma is on the brink. Until he’s close to tears, trembling beneath Yudai.
When he finishes, it’s untouched, Yudai holding his hands above his head. He jerks, twitches, tightens around Yudai until Yudai is forced to follow right after him. Yudai’s vision blacks out, letting out a sob as his orgasm takes his body. He grinds as deep as he can, filling Fuma up. Fuma chokes on nothing at all, stomach painted with his come.
And then they’re both breathless. Chest to chest. The mess they’ve made going tacky between them.
Fuma takes Yudai’s face in his hands like he’s something precious. A diamond he pulled out of the rough. “You love me too,” he says. Not a question, but a fact.
“I love you.” Yudai nods, breathing into Fuma’s mouth. “Don’t ever leave me again. Not when I don’t know if you’ll be coming home.”
“I love you too. God, I love you.” Fuma pulls him into a kiss. Slow. Exploring. “I won’t. I’m yours. I mean it.”
Yudai believes him. Without question.
Fuma has never lied to him.
❧
August 1, 1879
Minho —
I heard you met a girl.
How’s that for an opener? I’ve ratted you out. Sooyoung and I compared letters. Hers had all the details, mine was suspiciously barren of the same. You know it’s alright to tell me about it, right? I’d like to hear. I still care about you. I always will.
Besides, I tell you plenty about the matters of my heart.
I miss Fuma fiercely. I won’t rub it in, but it’s wearing on me. I need to tell someone. It’s been quite lonely around here with Taki and Yuma off on their great adventure and Fuma out for work. Thankfully, Fuma is due any day now. Taki and Yuma last wrote me from Chicago. How funny is that? I can barely imagine the two of them in a big city. That’s why they knew not to invite me. All I’d do is worry.
Jo and Jiwoo are to marry next month. It’ll be a big affair. They’ve got family coming in from every which way. I’m sure it’ll be lovely. Sometimes I wonder if it would be worth it to do something like that with Fuma. Even if it means next to nothing in the eyes of the law. Something just for us.
Oh well. We have all the time in the world.
Promise you’ll come home for Christmas this year? Bring your gal, too. I’m sure she’ll fit right in. We’d love to meet her.
— Yudai
August 1, 1879
Fuma —
There’s no real reason to write. You’ll be home before I have time to send another letter, but it always feels wrong to leave you unanswered. So, this will be waiting for you when you return.
You’ve heard it before, every letter since you’ve left, but it bears repeating: I miss you terribly, as I always do. The novelty of having the bed to myself wears off within the first two nights, and then I just feel grumpy and cold. No one to get up and stoke the fire when I’m too lazy. Someone to rub my back and soothe my aches. You’re quite useful for all of that.
We should get portraits done when the photographers are in town for Jo and Jiwoo’s wedding. I know you have that old thing of me from about ten years ago, but you deserve something new. Something up to date. And I deserve it too, of course. Even though I’m not pounding spikes into the earth, I still want to sigh and stare dreamily at the man I love via a faded photo tucked into my pocketwatch.
I went to do laundry with Euijoo this morning, just to catch up. He’s well. Of course he is. He and Nico are happy. Of course they are. I know you worry about him, but he’s brighter than ever. I swear it. Nicholas made them a pair of rings, and he wears it on his wedding hand. The first time I asked him about it, he blushed wine red right up to the tops of his ears. It was lovely.
Maki was sad to miss you when he came by. He pouted about it for all of five minutes before he found a new bone to chase. You know how cowboys are…
You’ll be home any day now. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms. To complain about how long your hair has grown, and tell you that you need to shave. To feel your touch again. To kiss you.
I have to cut myself off before I say something that could get me in trouble.
I love you, always — Yudai
P.S. Harua is the bone in question.
P.P.S. I’ve been reading about telephones. Have you heard of that? Maybe one day we won’t be confined to writing until our hands ache.
❧
Nothing good ever happens after the sun goes down.
At least that’s what Yudai used to tell Taki when he wanted him to behave after suppertime. The coyotes will bite and the bandits will rob. Better off not setting foot outside, no way to tell what predators lurk in the shadows where lamps don’t reach.
But, lately, he’s started to change his mind.
The canyon isn’t a place where people linger, it’s a place where they rest on their way somewhere else. But, by necessity, waypoints have a handful of creatures that find home between the rocks and make it their own. Yudai loves the canyon. He’s never not loved it, he just didn’t appreciate it until recently.
It’s brought him love. Life. Friends and family. It’s also taken the same. But, that’s the way things go. A circle going round and round.
Since Fuma tied himself to the hitch of Yudai’s wagon, plenty of good things happen after the sun goes down.
The stars come out. The moon. When Fuma travels home, he barely stops. He’s too excited. He’ll ride through sundown if he’s close enough. So, most of the time, he arrives after nightfall.
When the door to the saloon swings open, it’s already long after anyone should be due in. All the regulars are in their places along the bar.
A man walks in, boots heavy on the wood floors. A railman, by the looks of it. Hat low over his eyes, shirt tucked into his stiff trousers. Yudai knows everyone who comes around, but he knows this one extra well.
Yudai drops the glass he’s been cleaning. He turns on his heel, walking straight into the back room without stopping. Desperate for privacy.
His heartbeat has tripled, thrumming steadily in his chest. His eyes are already starting to wet.
He hears the door close behind him before he turns around.
Fuma has carried in a lamp. He likes to see Yudai in the light. He sets it on a shelf, the room doused in an amber glow.
“Hi, sweetheart,” Fuma says, his voice rough from disuse. He must have been riding all day.
Yudai releases a noise closer to an animal than human. He flings himself at his cowboy, arms and legs wrapped around him so Fuma is forced to catch him. Fuma huffs, but he manages. He’s strong. Only getting stronger from laying rail.
Fuma kisses the first place he can reach. The patch of skin just above Yudai’s shoulder. Then his neck. His jaw, and his cheeks, and then Yudai kisses him for real, hands splayed across either side of his face, coming down on him like a wave.
They fit perfectly. Fuma slowly lowers Yudai to the ground, but he doesn’t quit holding him close. They’re flush together, Fuma’s back pressed against the door as Yudai licks into his mouth.
He tastes like tobacco and sweat, even though he’s trying to quit smoking because it hurts his throat. Yudai traces the backs of his teeth with his tongue. They’re just as he remembers. Fuma touches him like he’s mapping out everywhere he’s been, too. Just to make sure this is real.
When they part, the salty tinge of tears has just reached their mouths. Fuma smiles at Yudai, brushing his hair off his face. “I missed you,” he says.
Yudai laughs. A few more tears spill over. He laughs, and kisses Fuma three more times, just for good measure. “I missed you, too.”
Once they get their fill, they’ll straighten themselves out. Fuma will adjust Yudai’s hair, and fix his clothes. They’ll exit the back room with swollen lips, and none of the regulars will bother to mention it, because everyone around here protects their own, and Yudai is their own.
After everyone’s gone for the night, Yudai will lock up. He and Fuma will talk until the sun rises in the morning sky, catching up on everything they’ve missed. Then, Fuma will take Yudai to bed. He’ll press him into the mattress and make love to him. They’ll sleep, and then they’ll wake and do it again.
In the morning, Fuma won’t leave. He won’t leave for many mornings. His work is seasonal. He takes jobs when he pleases. More importantly, he’s made a home here, with Yudai. So, whenever he completes the loop, he always ends up right back where he started.
When Yudai looks at Fuma, he can’t help the clench in his chest. The way his skin heats and his heart speeds up. It vibrates from head to toe, demanding to be felt. The exact thing he was so afraid of before, and has come to love so much.
He knew, as soon as Fuma walked into the saloon, years back, that he’d be a problem. Yudai thought Fuma would run away if he didn’t get what he wanted. Instead, he drew closer. Worked Yudai apart with gentle fingers and a streak of sincerity so deep it makes Yudai quiver.
His mother died of a broken heart, but the last thing she said to him was that she didn’t want him to be scared away from love. “Love is the most powerful thing in the world, Yudai. I want you to feel it. Allow yourself to feel it.”
He does feel it. He feels it every day when he reads through the stories Yuma and Taki send of their travels, and when Sooyoung rolls her eyes at him. When Euijoo, clumsy as always, spills his ale across the bar and helps Yudai clean it up. When Jo and Jiwoo sit in the corner and dip their heads together in private conversation. When Fuma looks at him across a room with such intention that Yudai can feel it to the quick of his fingernails.
“I love you, Mister Murata,” Yudai says now, holding Fuma right where he’s meant to be.
Fuma grins. The kind of smile that could ruin a man’s life, or change it for good. “I love you too, Yudai.”
Always seein' 'wayoff dreams of silver-blue
Always feelin' thorns that stab and sting
Yet stampedin' never made a dream come true,
So I ride around myself and sing,
So — o, now, a man has got to stay,
A-likin' or a-hatin',
But workin' on and waitin'
Hee — ya, tammalalleday!
All of us are waitin' for the mornin'.
- Roundup Lullaby, Badger Clark