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The first time Kakashi is screwed over by Destiny by way of the Law of Surprise is in the capital of the Land of Fire. He is on a mission to deliver an official correspondence to the daimyo (most likely a tally of the Tora missions for the month and other minor things that his rather silly wife had employed Konoha ninjas for), passing through the crowded outer courtyard aswarm with nobles, wealthy merchants and anyone else who thinks themselves important. Reflex has his hand snapping out and snagging an arrow passing mere inches in front of him. Protect the civilians and all that.
He blinks as he notes the barbed metal arrowhead and the fact that he has stopped it less than a foot from going through the throat of a Fire country nobleman. Following the trajectory back to its origin, he sees someone in bland commoner clothing dive off the wall. He shrugs. Even with his speed, doubtless the archer is already lost in the thronging crowds that inhabit the capital.
Kakashi glances back at the arrow. “A war arrow. Nasty that. I suggest hiring bodyguards.”
This apparently snaps the noble out of his shock, because next thing that he knows, the man is babbling his thanks and insisting on a reward. Kakashi didn’t do it for a reward, so he has nothing in mind. Then again, Gai’s been after him to ‘get some decent furniture’, and from the tales he’s heard, nobles are the best place to get expensive, barely used furniture perhaps a few seasons out of style if one is a noble, because nobles tend to just store old furniture and often forget what is in their storage.
“I claim the Law of Surprise.” He says lightly. “That which you have and know not of.”
Anyone can claim the Law of Surprise, which can be quoted in a number of equally valid ways. It is an old law, a custom so ancient that some say that it predates ninjutsu. The point is, no one knows its origin and even those who don’t believe in Destiny and kamis aren’t fool enough to pick a fight with Fate. The Law of Surprise is always honored, and kami help those who attempt to flaunt it, because Destiny has a habit of getting nasty with those who offend her.
That said, the circumstances where one can viably claim it aren’t a common thing in most lives, and most civilians have the sense to not tempt Destiny in the first place and simply state that they really want that pumpkin pie or fancy scarf or could use some extra coin. So ninjas demanding it in situations where stating a specific reward would be rude enough to cause problems (i.e. generally when nobles were involved and folks too poor to pay for services not contracted through Konoha itself) remains the most common instances of use of the law.
Nobles aren’t totally unused to it as a result, and there’s even a token traditional eight minute wait before the nobles will simply offer to open their furniture storage and let the ninja in question pick an item or set. At the end of the day, everyone can go home satisfied.
The noble beams at Kakashi, obviously recognizing the claim for what it is: an easy dissolution of debt. They both politely wait, mentally counting minutes. Then a servant pushes through the press of people. “Lord Hachi! Your wife has given birth! To twins! A boy and a girl.”
Lord Hachi blinks once, twice, obviously sees the open horror in Kakashi’s posture, and laughs. “I knew my wife was giving birth to my heir. You can have the girl. Newborns don’t travel well, though, so perhaps you can retrieve her when she is 8 months? You will name her, of course. I won’t take that from you. And, of course, as she is of noble blood, servants will be sent with her to attend to her needs. Is this acceptable?”
Kakashi is not okay with this at all. “I- But- I- A baby! What do I do with it!? I’m a jounin and gone more than I’m home and my clan is gone-” He breaks off, feeling dizzy for a long moment before habit overrides panic and he starts to breathe again. “I don’t know how to take care of her. I can’t- I can’t-”
The man gives him a look of rueful amusement. “I did not consider that. Of course we can care for her until she is no longer a babe and send her to Konoha when she is of an age to begin school. The servants will be sufficient to care for her when you are away on missions, and rebuilding your clan must begin somewhere. I must warn you, however, that my wife will get attached and desire yearly visits from her.”
“I- That’s fine. Visits are fine.” Kakashi agrees jerkily, calming down a bit. “I just wanted a couch but I can agree with the rest.” Not that he has much choice. “My clan name is Hatake, but I’m not good with giving pretty names, so perhaps you or your wife should choose her given name.” What he really means is that he doesn’t want Lord Hachi’s wife to hate him for naming her daughter after a potato. Noblewomen are scarily vicious creatures when it comes to such trifles.
Lord Hachi eyes him oddly, but nods after a moment. “My wife will appreciate the courtesy. I presume that you are on a mission, so I will not keep you longer.”
Kakashi gratefully takes the opportunity to part ways.
~
Lord Hachi returns home to find his wife distraught over having borne their daughter first, which opens the family up to greedy maneuvering from interested parties, who would find it expedient to deny his son’s claim as his heir. He grimaces, realizing again how very lucky he has been this day. Destiny is being unwontedly kind.
So he tells her of the young Hatake ninja and his claiming of the Law of Surprise, their discussion, and even the youth’s horror at obtaining a daughter instead of a couch. His wife is so relieved that she cries, then promptly declares, “If it’s a couch the boy wants, we can certainly send a nice parlour set when we send our daughter to him. Or several! Our storage will certainly not miss them!”
Later, he names their daughter: Reiko Hatake.
~
The second time Destiny sticks her nose in and uses the Law of Surprise to overturn shag Kakashi’s life like a two bit whore, it’s over a dog. Kakashi is thinking of the friendly, intelligent dogs that the farmer owns when he says, “I claim the Law of Surprise. That which comes out to meet you first.”
It’s one of the other ways the Law of Surprise can be quoted.
Only, the dogs mysteriously do not come out to greet the farmer’s return. Instead, a woman with a little boy in scruffy clothes in front of her comes out. Kakashi feels the sudden weight of impending doom.
“Honey, this is Enishi. An orphan, but a good boy. Do you suppose we could afford to keep him?”
The farmer shakes his head. “We could, but Mr. Hatake claimed the Law of Surprise, so the boy is his now.”
Kakashi resolutely does not think about this until he and the boy are a few hours away. Payment accepted. After all, Reiko, his daughter is waiting for him at home and that hasn’t been quite the disaster he feared. Once he sets the still-terrified boy down for a break, Kakashi may have a hysterical fit. Just a little. All he’d wanted was another dog!
On the bright side, when he’s done, the boy looks less like he fears being murdered and more like he dreads finding a way to care for a terminally crazy stranger.
~
Enishi is cautiously hopeful when the nice woman promises to ask her husband if they can adopt him. More cautious than hopeful, really. Then the man shakes his head and Enishi’s hope falls over dead. Except then the man mentions the Law of Surprise and says that Enishi belongs to the ninja, and his dream of living to become an adult crashes and burns like a rickety hay cart that someone dropped a lit torch in.
He doesn’t fight, of course.
Maybe if he’s docile enough, he can find a way to escape where the ninja won’t follow him. Or at least not get beaten to a pulp before his destiny kills him.
The ninja’s grasp is surprisingly gentle, even once they are far, far away from the farm. He doesn’t shove Enishi to the ground when he stops, just sets him down and…promptly has a laughing-and-maybe-crying fit while muttering something about ‘cursed’ and ‘a daughter’ and ‘a son’ and ‘Destiny hates me’.
While this behavior is far from reassuring, it at least makes him hope that the ninja won’t kill him, stew his heart and make sausage out of the rest of him, like he’d heard they do in the Land of Demons…which he doesn’t actually know where that is. But hopefully on the other side of the world, given that the ninja hasn’t hit him or brought out his knives. Yet.
Actually, though. He wonders if the ninja is well enough to make it home alive, and if he’ll be blamed if the ninja dies on the way. Maybe he should check the man for fever? But what if he’s just senile instead? He’s got white hair; he could be old! And Enishi has met old lady Ibara, who is as senile as they come. She bites! Ninja bites are probably poisonous or something. So he should probably not risk approaching without being told to, just in case.
He’s very surprised, once in the ninja’s city, to be introduced to a girl about his own age and be told that she’s his big sister now. Enishi is even more shocked when the girl qualmlessly refers to the ninja as ‘tou-san’. Does this mean he’s been adopted by a ninja!?
~
The third time Destiny fucks Kakashi over is definitely the client’s fault.
Or rather the not-client’s fault. A shipment gone astray had been returned to the wealthy wine merchant as the end result of his official mission. And mostly because Kakashi couldn’t be bothered to spend the money and effort on making more storage scrolls to lug it back to Konoha in. So when the man insists that he take a personal reward for his ‘services’, Kakashi is caught off guard. The merchant quickly assures him that the will pay Konoha for a C ranked mission and this is merely in addition.
The problem comes in the form of the man’s temperament. He’s the sort to be offended no matter which tack Kakashi takes. Offended whether he refuses or asks for something of little worth, and to hold a grudge if Kakashi asks for the worth of a ‘proper’ reward. Also the sort to judge a dirty mug as sufficient if he claims the Law of Surprise, Kakashi surmises, feeling put upon.
“I claim the Law of Surprise.” This time he is very careful not to state which version of it he is claiming. Let the man interpret it as he wishes.
Kakashi immediately regrets this.
“‘That which holds value, but is of no value to you’, eh?” He murmurs thoughtfully, then his eyes brighten. “I have the perfect thing!”
Apparently, ‘the perfect thing’ that he doesn’t value is his wastrel half-brother’s bastard daughter with a suitcase full of clothes to fit her and a crate of high-class wine to sweeten the deal. The look of slight fear the girl regards her uncle with is enough to make him not regret the civil response he gives the man so he can get the girl out of there faster.
He’s at Konoha’s gates before it occurs to him belatedly that he has somehow accidentally acquired a third child to raise. Kakashi gets the distinct impression that Destiny is laughing at him.
~
Acha is well aware of her uncle’s hatred for her. The harsh look in his eyes every time he looks at her makes that clear enough. Or well, hatred for her father instead, maybe. And a distaste for the burden she is. She can understand that. Even she hates her drunken father. But Uncle has never raised his voice to her or hit her or made her go hungry. He doesn’t even say nasty things to her. And he got her clothes and a tutor!
But, well… She knows how deep his dislike for her is. Somehow she’s not surprised at all when a maid bustles in and begins packing for her, telling her that she’s being sold off to some man to pay part of the debt Uncle owes him. (Uncle hates being in debt even more than he hates parting with money.) The maid also gives her some dire advice on how to survive if the man turns out to be ‘that sort’ and the opinion that the man does indeed seem to be a pervert, so she should be careful.
The first thing she notices about the man is the silver hair standing up like it has a mind of its own. But the second thing she notices is the headband with a leaf on it. And she relaxes a little, mentally tossing the maid’s advice into the garbage. Uncle has told her that Leaf ninjas are kind and reliable, more so than any other ninjas.
The ninja takes her suitcase and puts it in a scroll, along with a case of Uncle’s best wine. Then he puts her on his back and runs, so fast, for almost the whole day before they get to a city with tall walls and massive gates.
Acha sees the look on his face when the gate ninjas tease him about bringing home another daughter. She’s pretty sure ‘Kakashi’ is going to want to drink all the bottles of wine Uncle paid him with on his own, because he looks that gloomy. It makes her curious: is getting paid in children something that happens to him often?
~
The fourth time Kakashi is Destiny’s bitch is in a greenhouse. His client is a woman and her request to retrieve her stolen cherry trees (intended for a wealthy client) and taking care of the thieves had been simple and taken less than half a day to complete, more time spent retrieving the 50 cherry trees than in the tracking, capturing, and turning over to the authorities combined.
He knows that she can’t afford to pay him in coin at the moment, due to the theft disrupting her business, but there are plants all over the greenhouse that don’t have owners. So he opens his mouth without thought. “I claim the Law of Surprise. That which you have in abundance and surplus of.”
Surprise flits through her eyes. “Hm. Do you prefer brown, blue or green?”
Kakashi squints at her in confusion. Is she speaking of flower colors or states of plant health? He doesn’t think flowers come in brown or green, and blue and brown sound like equally unhealthy states for a plant to be in. “Green?” He decides tentatively.
His client smiles gently at him, then turns and yells at one of her many children. “Nagiha! Go pack up the small basket with 2 dresses, a loaf of bread and some cheese, and bring it here!”
Well, it could be worse, he thinks. Reiko and Acha might not appreciate the dresses, but a good meal is always welcome, be it ever so humble.
Keika’s daughter returns and offers her the basket. “Here, ma!”
Belatedly, he notices that the girl’s eyes are green. Before his heart has time to sink, his client is speaking again. “Nagiha, Mr. Hatake claimed you as payment, so you’ll be going with him. The basket is for you. Make sure you don’t give him any trouble.”
To his surprise, the girl merely huffs. “Fine!” Then she turns to him suspiciously. “You best not be one of them kind who like dipping their wicks in little girls, Mr. Ninja, cuz I can cut it off if you are.”
Kakashi slides his hands into his pockets to cover his reflexive wince. “Maa, maa, there’s no need for that.”
Her eyes narrow. “Prove it.”
He blinks at her blankly, then pulls the latest copy of his beloved Icha Icha out of his pocket and shows it to her.
Nagiha rolls her eyes. “Fine. But don’t think I won’t if you decide to change your mind and take a liking to little girls!”
This is probably the calmest reaction to his Icha Icha that he’s ever gotten out of someone who bothers to react in the first place. Most likely T&I will welcome her with open arms if she passes the Academy. Her mother is still smiling at them, so he replaces his book in his hip pouch and picks Nagiha up in a princess carry, because he’s obviously not going to be able to return her, and he wants her where he can see what her hands are up to.
Kakashi gives the woman a nod and gets the fuck out of there before she can change her mind and bestow more children on him.
~
Keika Chiba waits until Mr. Hatake is well out of earshot before tilting her head back and laughing. Honestly! The poor man’s expression! Even his mask couldn’t disguise it! She has every reason to believe that Nagiha will be safe and well taken care of with him. And while Nagiha is the most troublesome of her daughters, his calm reaction to her topic of choice is the most reasonable she’s ever seen a man have.
They’re obviously a kami destined father-daughter pair. And one less mouth to worry about feeding this winter is a blessing. Kami knows she loves all her children, but five children is a handful and then some, and was even before her husband died. Though, granted, the kids are more her fault than his, given that he’d only fathered three of them. She’ll miss Nagiha, sure, but at least she knows she’ll be provided for. Ninjas take care of their own.
~
+1
The fifth time Destiny attempts to muck around with Kakashi’s life is also in a greenhouse. But this time he wises up, mid-sentence, recognizing the signs, and proceeds to freak the fuck out. Like any sane and sensible man would.
“I claim…” His gaze darts around the greenhouse frantically and finally lands on a small plant that probably even he can’t manage to kill on accident. He seizes the pot and thrusts it at Inoichi. “This plant! I claim this plant! This is enough for me.”
Inoichi laughs in his face. “I wasn’t going to give you my daughter, you know?”
Kakashi eyes him suspiciously and clutches the plant to his chest. “So you say…” He can hear Ino approaching, talking to some other person. “The last person who wasn’t going to give me a child gave me an orphan, so forgive me if I don’t believe you.”
He kawarimi’s with a handy rock before Inoichi can tease him further. Inoichi might think he’s overreacting, but Kakashi knows the signs!
~
Inoichi blinks at the large rock in his tidy pathway, sighs, then bursts into laughter at Kakashi’s expense.
“Daddy, what’s so funny?”
He turns to find Ino in the doorway with a dark-haired, dark-eyed boy with a blank face beside her. “Ah, nothing much. Who’s your friend, Ino?”
Her face lights up. “This is Sai! He’s an orphan. Can we keep him, daddy?”
Inoichi…pauses. Maybe Kakashi was right to panic? “People aren’t pets, Ino. We’ve been over this before. You can’t just keep them.”
Cue her adorable pout.
Well, Kakashi’s…issue with obtaining children can see to itself. He has a daughter to convince that no, she isn’t allowed to keep ‘the pretty boy’ in her room.
~
“Tou-san, what is that?” Reiko asks.
It looks like a plant, but her father appears to be awfully miserable as he stares at it. “It’s your new sibling.”
Okaaay, then. She’ll get Nagiha to get the story out of him later. “Oh? And does our new sibling have a name?”
“Mr. Gloomy.” Kakashi decides in a morose tone.
Right, she knows when to leave a subject alone. “We’re having eggplant and saury for lunch.”
He just nods, looking gloomier.
Reiko gives up. Obviously her father isn’t going to be moved out of his own personal raincloud. Not even for having lunch changed to his favorite food. Better to let him be sodden in peace. And invite Uncle Gai to lunch. The buckets of tears Uncle Gai will indubitably shed on his behalf will undoubtedly gross tou-san out enough to leave this mood behind.