Chapter Text
Walking up the drive of her best friends house has never felt this weird. Everything feels off, as if none of this were real and Chloe is actually dreaming.
Chloe thinks it must be a dream, that’s the only place she sees Beca now, whether it’s a daydream in the middle of the coffee shop, reminiscing all of hers and Beca’s coffee dates back in Barden. Or an actual dream, one where she wakes up still consumed with sleep and reaches for Beca, only to be hit with the realisation that Beca isn’t there. Beca left her.
But she isn't dreaming. Beca really is inside.
Her heart clenches in her chest as she allows her mind to dwell on what is about to come. She’s so excited to be back with the Bellas, those girls are her family and even though it’s only been a few months since she last saw them she’s missed them so much. Without Fat Amy’s strange antics, Cynthia Rose's spontaneous rapping, Flo's absurd commentary and Lily's utterly creepy cult like attitude, her life is pretty boring. She's missed Jessica’s bubbly persona similar to her own, and Ashley’s bluntness which is like a toned down version of Beca’s. Although they were all in the sisterhood of Bellas, Chloe always felt like Emily was an actual sister - someone who she had to protect more than the other girls.
Aubrey and Stacie are pretty consistent in her life, but she still misses the way Aubrey would smile when surrounded with the others because Aubrey sees them as her family just like Chloe does, and how Stacie would flirt with all of the girls, not stopping until Amy would snort with laughter, claiming ‘You can't handle all this’ or until Beca would flush all over.
Oh god. Beca...
The thought of seeing Beca again fills her with so many misplaced emotions. She’s still so angry at Beca for leaving, but she’s more mad at herself, for the way they ended things, and for not going after the girl she loved (loves).
But it’s easier for her to be angry at Beca - to blame her rather than herself, even though deep down Chloe knows she is the one to blame.
It’s just easier to blame Beca because in the end Beca got what she wanted. She’s living in LA and making a name for herself. In a way breaking up with Beca was the best thing for the brunette, or at least that was what Chloe’s trying to convince herself.
“Beca has probably moved on.” Chloe whispers to herself, voicing her thoughts as an attempt to calm down. “It’s going to be fine. We’re going to be okay.” She sighs at how ridiculous she must look giving a pep talk to herself.
She comes to a stop when her feet meet the welcome mat in front of the door. Her heart is still beating rapidly in her chest and her breathing is uneven. She scrunches her eyes shut and tightens the grip on her purse just to feel grounded as she lets out shaky breaths.
She might not have gone after Beca, but she did everything else in her power to try to reconnect with her. She called everyday, sent texts, Snapchat’s and tweets. And she even went as far as sending one or two letters every month. But after almost a year of no responses, Chloe stopped trying. It wasn't that she stopped caring about Beca, but she couldn’t handle hearing Beca’s voice on the answer machine anymore, knowing that Beca didn’t care enough to pick up the phone. She just couldn’t keep pouring her heart out in letters that were probably just thrown in the trash unopened. And writing Beca’s name on the envelope made tears spill down her cheeks every time. So she stopped, truly believing that she’d never see Beca again.
But now, standing outside of Aubrey’s New York home, her heart flips in her chest.
She thought she could do this. On the drive down here she convinced herself she could handle seeing Beca again after all this time, because the thought of not seeing her was worse. But clearly her head and her heart aren’t agreeing.
But this is Beca after all.
The brunette had multiple roles in Chloe's life, filling every empty space in her life by being everything Chloe needed at once. She was her best friend first and foremost, her duet partner, study buddy, yoga partner (although Beca complained the entire time). Beca was - and still is - the love of her life.
The point is, Beca was everything to her.
More often that not, they did everything together. They were each other’s first choices for literally anything, whether it be partnering up at Bellas practices or going on coffee runs together. The bellas used to joke that they were like a married couple, they'd argue like they were too, bickering about meaningless things, too stubborn to admit the other was right. Chloe would give anything for her and Beca to be like that again, the arguing and all, because at least then Beca would be talking to her.
The day Beca left, she took everything with her, leaving Chloe behind with nothing. Chloe lost her best friend, her girlfriend and her fucking happiness all at once.
The thing is, when you love someone, two becomes one and overtime they become a part of who you are. So Beca leaving rid Chloe of a part of herself, but Beca wasn't just a small aspect of her life, she was a million tiny pieces that made up Chloe's heart.
Chloe loves love, she falls in love with little things everyday, with the puppy she sees while walking to work, the girl with the pink hair at Starbucks, songs she hears on the radio while dancing in her kitchen. She falls in love with life every day. But without Beca in her life she doesn't feel it as strongly as she used to, like the lack of Beca's presence is numbing her. Beca didn't make her who she is, but she guided her to the person she wanted to be - the better version of herself. Chloe misses Beca, but her heart also soars for the version of herself that Beca took with her when she left.
She can’t push away the thought that Beca still is everything to her, and she knows she will hate herself if she turns away now without at least checking that Beca is okay.
With a heavy sigh Chloe pushes the door handle down and is instantly embraced with the stench of alcohol. The laughter that reaches her ears pulls a smile onto her face and her shoulders relax slightly. She slips out of her coat and hangs it on one of the hooks by the door. Luckily no one heard the door close because Chloe needs a moment to brace herself before being bombarded by Bellas. She loves her girls, but it's been a while since she's spent time with them all at once - she knows she's going to need her strength to keep up with them, especially Fat Amy (although, nobody ever really kept up with Amy).
Chloe's eyes flicker to the mirror on the wall, releasing a sigh as she takes in her appearance. She hasn't been taking care of herself, she knows that, but it's hard for Chloe to even care about the simple things anymore. Her eyes are darker now, not enough sunlight and too little sleep - that's what her father says anyway. At least she has a good excuse for the latter - she's not been sleeping as much because the only time she can study for her final exam is after work. And when she finally does lay her head against her pillows in the early hours of the morning, her eyes don't seem to stay closed for very long as she either wakes up in a sweat after a nightmare or she's just too restless to sleep.
Pushing her thoughts away, she fixes a smile onto her face before walking through the door. As she enters the room, three heads snap up in her direction. The room is instantly filled with the girl's squeals as they rush over to embrace the redhead in a much needed hug.
Suddenly Chloe's heart doesn't feel so heavy - maybe everything will be okay after all, as long as she has her Bellas by her side.
"Oh my god, Chloe!" Jessica gushes as the four girls pull apart, "I've missed you so much."
Although Chloe has attended Bellas get-togethers and joined group video calls, her heart hasn't really been it, so it's been a while since she has actually been completely present when around the girls. She has missed them like crazy, they're more of her family than her actual family and she can't rid the guilt that she has let them down.
A sigh escapes Chloe's lips as she looks between Aubrey, Jessica and Stacie. They are all grinning at her, so happy that she is here, and as much as Chloe wishes she could return that feeling, she can't stop wondering about Beca.
Where is she? How is she? Is she seeing anyone? Is she happy?
She has to physically shake her head to rid of the thoughts before they consume her entirely.
“I've missed you all so much.” Her voice shakes slightly as she suppresses the guilt and sadness that's attempting to overcome her. She hates that she doesn't make enough of an effort to reach out to any of the girls, but when she picks up her phone to call them, the only person's voice she really wants to hear is long gone.
“You look great.” Jessica smiles at Chloe. She's obviously just being nice because Chloe knows she doesn't look nice, she looks fucking awful. Her eyes are dark from the many nights she spent cramming for her exam or dwelling on the past, the ends of her hair are scraggly and she's too skinny.
Chloe's lips form a tight smile, “So do you,” she replies, and she really does think Jessica looks great. Her hair hangs down her back with slight curls, and she's wearing a red dress that looks effortlessly hot on her.
Jessica thanks her then steps back to let Aubrey embrace her best friend in her arms for a second time. Chloe rests her head on the blonde's shoulder and hugs her back tightly, needing the pressure of the hug to calm down her racing thoughts.
“It's so good to see you babe,” Aubrey says as they pull back, their hands still connected as they look at each other. The blonde smiles at Chloe as her eyes scan over her body, she's checking for any sign of Chloe not looking after herself. Of course Chloe knows it's because she worries about her, and it can be annoying but it's also nice knowing someone cares about her that much.
“We saw each other two Fridays ago.” Chloe reminds her.
Aubrey laughs, her grin widening, “I know, but I still missed you.”
The sight of her best friend’s smile makes the redhead’s own lips curl upwards. “I missed you too.”
It’s Stacie’s turn to hug Chloe next, she wraps her arms around her body and Chloe’s instantly absorbed by her warmth. Aside from Beca, and Amy on occasion, Stacie’s hugs were Chloe’s favourite.
Stacie pulls back, “I’ll go get you a drink. White wine?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
Chloe turns to Aubrey, the question she’s been aching to ask clearly written all over her face.
The blonde swallows, then nods, her eyes flickering upwards, “Beca’s upstairs with Fat Amy and Cynthia.”
There was a part of her that thought Beca might have not showed, and that part of her might have been hoping she didn’t. Chloe let’s out a relieved breath, an even bigger part of her is glad that Beca’s here. Maybe it’ll give them a chance to reconnect.
Chloe nods, she wants to pretend like she doesnt care, but the questions are itching to be asked. “How is she?”
“She seems okay.” Aubrey says, following it up with a frown, “But it's like she's back to being Freshman Beca all over again.” She adds.
“What do you mean?”
“Dark, broody and alternative.”
Chloe can’t help the guilt from rushing through her at the realisation that she might have something to do with that. If Beca is shutting other people out again - or isolating herself from others - then it’s probably Chloe’s fault.
She’s glad she’s here, but she isn’t ready to see her yet, she needs alcohol. As if on cue, Stacie reappears with three glasses in her hands, she hands one to Chloe, one to Aubrey, and holds up the last one, and the three girls clink their glasses together.
Chloe only drains half of her wine before she feels her presence on the stairs. It might be the way Stacie suddenly stops talking halfway through telling Chloe about a hookup, the subtle (not so subtle) cough from Aubrey or the fact that she can literally feel Beca’s eyes bore into the back of her head.
She turns slowly, holding her breathe as she braces herself to see Beca for the first time since she left. A tiny gasp leaves her lips as her eyes land on Beca. The brunette has always been skinny, but her tiny frame is now even smaller, she almost looks frail. Her eye makeup is darker, more like her college years - maybe Aubrey was right.
Chloe’s eyes rake up Beca’s body until they lock with darker blue’s. It’s like she suddenly forgets how to breathe - Beca’s eyes staring right into her own, bringing every buried emotion to the surface.
Beca lets out a quiet, croaky “Hi.”
It’s only one word, spoken with barely any volume, but it’s the first time she’s heard Beca’s voice (not including the videos of Beca Chloe has on her phone, or Beca’s voicemail message) in two years. And...fuck. Chloe has imagined this moment everyday since Beca left, but actually seeing her again, and seeing the way Beca’s physical appearance has drastically changed, it just makes Chloe’s heart clench.
“Hey, Beca.” She tries to smile at the brunette but her heart is doing backflips in her chest and her head is full of ‘what ifs’ and memories of the past.
Panic strikes over Beca’s face seconds before she rushes down the last few steps, her arm sliding against Chloe’s as she moves into the kitchen and out the back door.
It’s almost an instinct to go after her, but Chloe stops herself. In college whenever Beca was angry or upset about something, Chloe was the only one who could comfort her, but Chloe can’t be that person for her anymore.
Chloe turns back around to see Stacie watching her knowingly. She attempts a smile, “Stacie, can you go check on her?”
Just because Chloe can’t be Beca’s person anymore, doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about her.
“Of course.” Stacie squeezes the redhead’s shoulder as she passes her, following Beca’s steps into the back garden.
A heavy sigh falls from Chloe’s lips as she catches Aubrey’s eye. She knows Aubrey is trying to tread lightly around the whole situation, but the blonde was never very good at being subtle.
“It’s okay. I’m okay.” Chloe’s voice shakes slightly.
She doesn’t have time to dwell on the sight of Beca, or her current feelings because the last of her fellow Bellas rush down the stairs to greet her.
“Hey ladies,” Chloe says, the smile growing on her face as she is embraced in several hugs, although it is a little overwhelming.
It’s like she’s been thrown back into the college lifestyle, being back with her girls after so long is almost like no time has gone by at all. Drinks are being passed around and the multiple conversations continue to flow. God, she’s missed this.
It feels amazing to be back, but everything just feels...off.
Chloe can feel Aubrey's eyes on her, observing her in a protective manor, and she wants to brush her off and tell her she's fine, but she knows Aubrey won't believe it. So when Aubrey mouths 'you okay?', Chloe just shrugs sadly. The blonde nods knowingly and pulls Chloe into a tight hug.
When they pull apart, Aubrey takes Chloe's hand into her own. “So, how was the exam?" Aubrey asks, "Was the late night cramming worth it after all?”
Every night for the past three weeks, Chloe would return home from work and study for hours until she couldn't retain any more information. Aubrey would call her to help quiz her on her least confident subjects, but sometimes they'd get distracted and their study sesh's would turn into a rap battle as they would try to come up with songs to help Chloe memorise more information.
She didn't want to sound too egotistical or anything, but Chloe was honestly confident that she'd ace this exam.
But when the time came to actually sit down and pour the information onto the paper, all she could think about was Beca. Thoughts of the brunette filled her mind and distracted her from the exam. She couldn't stop thinking about how Beca knew what she wanted to do with her life from the day they met, but Chloe has always struggled with knowing what she wants. In high school she spent so much of her time on extra curriculars to distract herself from the fact that there wasn't a particular subject that stood out to her. Everyone told her that was okay, because she had college to figure that out. But she was such a free spirit in college, constantly drifting between hobbies and experimenting with different things. And when the time came for her to finally graduate and decide what she wanted to do with the rest of her life...she panicked. She still didn't know what her future held, so she flunked russian lit to stay another year. Another year to figure it out. Then another...and another.
And even today, when she was sitting amongst her peers with the exam in front of her, she still didn't know what she wanted.
It took minutes for her to actually write her name on the front page.
What would Aubrey say if she knew that Chloe probably failed another exam because her head is still stuck in their college days? She's already mad enough about Chloe's lack of ability to pass exams (even though she claims she's just worried about Chloe's wellbeing). And if Chloe were to let it slip that she was also thinking about Beca, Aubrey would blame the brunette for yet another one of Chloe's failures and it wasn't even Beca's fault.
So, maybe Chloe miraculously passed, it's unlikely but there is still a chance that she managed to scribble down at least some of the correct answers.
“Oh, yeah. It was okay, I think.” Chloe nods, hoping her best friend doesn’t catch onto her hesitation. She plasters a smile onto her face, and nothing has ever felt so fake.
Aubrey’s face lights up, “I’m so proud of you Chloe,” she gushes, then squeals excitedly, “You’re going to be a vet.”
Chloe knows she should be happy, because working with animals is her dream, or at least she thought it was. She doesn’t know what she wants anymore. “I hope so,” she says anyway, ignoring the gnawing feeling in her gut.
“Come on, let’s celebrate with a drink.” Aubrey says, like they haven’t been drinking since Chloe walked through the door.
Stacie reappears after they’ve drained another glass of wine, she picks up the bottle and lifts it to her lips, rinsing half of the remaining alcohol. This doesn’t help Chloe’s nerves, causing multiple thoughts to spiral in her mind...Did Beca say something to her? Is Beca okay? What happened to her? Did Chloe break her?
“She’s okay.” Stacie says, glancing back at Beca beside Amy and Cynthia Rose. “Come on, let’s dance.”
Once the glass in her hand is empty, she heads towards the kitchen where the tiny brunette is hiding. She has no idea what happened from the moment she stepped into the kitchen, but now she’s standing in front of Beca with two beers in her hand. Chloe honestly thought Beca was just going to ignore her, or take the beer and walk away, so to say she was shocked when Beca actually spoke to her and smiled at her was an understatement.
She could kill Stacie for pulling her away from Beca before she even got a chance to talk to her, but there’s a part of her that’s slightly grateful, what would she have even said? That she’s sorry?
Chloe falls onto the couch beside Aubrey, who instantly asks if she talked to Beca.
“I was going to but Stacie pulled me away from her.”
“I think you should just give her time. She’s already drank quite a bit tonight. Talk to her in the morning.”
Chloe doesn’t say anything but she can’t help but think, how do we know she’ll still be here in the morning?
Beca is known to run when things get too much. She ran from Chloe. She was gone the day after they broke up, she just left, without even saying anything.
After a few minutes, Chloe’s broken from her trance as Beca gets pushed into the seat beside her by Amy.
“So DJ, tell us about LA. Is it everything you dreamed of?” Cynthia Rose asks.
Chloe can feel Beca tense up beside her as she starts to tell everyone about her new life.
She catches a glimpse of her face before their eyes lock, and that familiar spark in her blue eyes is no where to be seen. She seems kind of dull, and Chloe hates using that word to describe a part of Beca because Beca has never been dull, but her eyes just look so empty.
The idea of Beca being empty pulls at Chloe’s chest. She just wants to tell Beca that she’s here, that she knows Beca is lying, without actually saying anything at all, so she reaches for her wrist and gives it a light squeeze.
She remembers the way Beca’s eyes would light up whenever she’d talk about her future goals and dreams to live in LA. It was one of Chloe's favourite ‘Beca expressions’ because she’d pour her entire heart into explaining her dreams to Chloe. And Chloe would hold Beca’s hand (if she wasn't using them to make random hand gestures while rambling) and just listen, she’d take it all in because she couldn't get enough of the spark in Beca's eyes when she talked about music. Just like whenever Beca showed Chloe a new mix or original song she'd been working on, Chloe would be able to feel the emotions springing from the music, and that was what she loved about it, because music had always been another way Chloe and Beca could connect; their mutual love for music brought them closer together as it was another form of communication between the two girls.
Beca and Chloe were music. Their relationship had ups and downs but always had a constant flow of love and understanding, they worked so well together, complementing each other perfectly. Without Beca's presence in her life, Chloe had no melody. Her life had no constant rhythm and everything just felt so out of place.
But she didn’t expect Beca to lose her passion too.
If Beca has finally gotten her dream then why does she look so unhappy? Where’s her spark gone?
Even now, after years of being apart, Chloe knows Beca, she knows that beca gets this look in her eye when she talks about soemthing she loves - she used to get that look in her eye when she’d talk about Chloe, about them. She would look proud and smug, like she was bragging. But now, the look in her eye is something else entirely. It makes Chloe want to know how LA really is, but Beca won't talk to her, she won't even look at her. Maybe Aubrey’s right, maybe tonight isn't the night to bring up the past. So she'll focus on the present, (or as Flo says, 'Let's live for tonight').
After a few more drinks and karaoke sessions, Beca seems to be visually more comfortable around the other girls, she’s laughing and piping into conversations, maybe it’s the alcohol but in this moment Beca looks happy, like this is the first time in a long time that she’s allowed herself to have fun.
But then, Amy says “We should do this at your place next, Beca.”
Beca recoils, evidently uncomfortable with the amount of eyes on her, she shrugs, “Sure,” but it’s obvious she doesn’t mean it.
She stands up from the couch, already reaching for the pack of cigarettes in her pocket. “I’m going for a smoke,” she announces to no one in particular.
Chloe sighs sadly, watches as Beca walks away, building her guard back up once again.
She’s ruining her beautiful voice.
Chloe's eyes stay on Beca as she walks through the kitchen, picking up another bottle as she goes before disappearing out the door.
Oh. Beca, honey. What are you doing with your life?