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“You’re overreacting,” Jesse says from the foot of the bed, eyes following a frantic, pacing Ellie. He’s wearing his fancy tux, boutonniere prim on his lapel, mullet unusually groomed. “Seriously, just chill out.”
Ellie whips from her track on the carpet, close to pulling her hair out. “Chill out? Jesse, this is–”
“Jesus Christ…” he mutters, head hitting the mattress. “Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet now.”
Momentarily, Ellie freezes. Her arms go limp at her sides, her white shirt ruffled. She glances to the ostentatious dresser, embezzled details with trinket dishes and free hand lotion. The whole room was like that; far too up-market for Ellie, or even Jesse. Dina chose the hotel, the venue, the menu. She had organised the entire thing, Dina asking Ellie if Joel was okay sitting next to her mom being the extent of her involvement. And now, alone in Jesse’s hotel room, her collar felt too tight and her suit not tailored enough. Her best man was staring at the ceiling hopelessly, asking her if she didn’t want to get married a half-hour before she was expected to see her future wife walk down the aisle – yeah, she was rightfully panicking.
She wants to marry Dina. Ellie wants to spend every moment with her, bottle up her smile and wear it as a cologne, all that cringy shit. It was only now, the moment impending, approaching faster than she had intended, that she began to realise the extent of this promise. It only felt like yesterday she bought a ring to only find out that Dina had too, resulting in an awkward why are we like this moment. It was sweet, like the vanilla of their cake. So, why now, did the concept utterly terrify her?
“My feet aren’t cold,” Ellie answers, blinking at the floor. “They’re fine. I’m fine.”
Jesse huffs, slowly sitting to look at Ellie. The back of his hair was now flat, hair gel still setting. Ellie would have laughed if this were any other time, but right now she wants to vomit and scream at the same time. She just stares with her mouth ajar, Jesse’s deadpan face judging. “You’re such a bad liar,” he states annoyingly.
Ellie’s eyes linger, hating Jesse for being right, before she throws her arms in the air, palms sloping down her face. “God, I know. I know!” Collapsing on the bed next to Jesse, head in hands, she continues, “Help me.”
Tentative, Jesse pats her shoulder like she’s a rabid animal, salving her trepidation. It worked, kind of. Like she was a toddler throwing a tantrum and Jesse just told her they were going to get ice cream. “There, there. I’m sure everything will work out.”
“What am I going to do?” She laments. God, she loves Dina so much it sometimes aches. Why is she being like this?!
“Well,” Jesse begins and Ellie looks up between her fingers, watching as he speaks. “you’re gonna go out there and marry her. You’ll maybe mess up your vows and I’ll probably laugh at you. You’ll have your first dance and I’ll embarrass you with my speech. Dina will drink too much champagne and Tommy will convince the DJ to play some shit 80s song. Then we’ll all go home and you’ll still be married.”
You’ll still be married.
It sounds amazing. The way Jesse describes it, the way anyone does – it’s like a dream. She’s lucky to even be sat here rather than anywhere in Boston. Wyoming is quaint and just perfect for their kindred spirits. Somewhere quiet with space, real space, just the way Dina always described it. How her eyes would light up and Ellie would listen, melting to her cadence. She wanted it, too.
At least, that’s what she’d assumed. She wants everything Dina wants because Dina is her everything. If she ever said it aloud Dina would laugh at her for being a huge sap and maybe she is. Maybe she’s this hard street kid adopted by some carpenter with a chip on his shoulder, in love with a girl who belongs in marble that secretly is full of an unbridled need for companionship. Her whole life she was an anchor without a bed to rest in, and now it’s here, now she can rest, her stomach is sinking.
“Do you love her?” Jesse interrupts her thoughts.
“Yes,” the answer is instantaneous. There isn’t a question to consider. It’s concrete, solid in her mind because how could she not? “I’m just– I’m terrified that I’ll fuck this up.”
“Probably.”
Ellie bolts up, incredulous that her fears were confirmed by the rock in her panic. “Aren’t you meant to be my best man?”
He sighs, tapping a rhythm on his knee. “You’ll fuck up a lot but, like, isn’t that all covered in the vows? Look, what I’m trying to say is that you’re forgetting that Dina loves you, too. She’s not gonna up and leave you because of this.”
Of course the most profound thing Jesse has ever said is the day of her wedding. Jesse and his stupid cowboy wisdom. “How are you so smart? You’re only two years older than me,” Ellie laughs dryly, fiddling with her cuff links.
“Because I’m great.” There’s a silence, Ellie fidgeting with her blazer. It’s this deep green colour that Dina picked out because it matched her eyes or something. There isn’t a tie because she said it made her look like a waitress even though Ellie had never seen a server wearing green besides from Starbucks. But Dina insisted because she cared. Everything Dina does is because she cares. She’s selfless like that.
“This won’t matter in a few years. You’ll look back at this moment and laugh,” Jesse reassures, nodding to himself like he didn’t completely believe it.
“Yeah, maybe,” Ellie sighs, frowning at her shoes. “I really love her.” She says out of nowhere as if declaring it will stop her spiral of self-doubt.
Jesse’s smile is small. “I know, man. I know.” There’s another berth of silence and it swallows Ellie whole, chewing and spitting her out. She feels like a crumpled tissue, fragile and, well, like shit. This was her wedding day! Why is she being such a baby!
“I’m being ridiculous.”
“I’m glad you’ve come to that conclusion,” Jesse retorts sarcastically.
“Fuck off, dick.”
“Hey! I did not just talk you into marrying my ex for you to call me a dick.”
“You’re right, this whole day is just to really rub it in your face,” Ellie teases, chuckling under her breath. They’re smiling at each other, then. Two nerds that needed an extra to their duo, that someone being Ellie’s future wife. Middle school and high school, bullies and parties and the worst of it all. “Thanks,” is all Ellie says because she’s always been of few words. But Jesse knows. He gets it.
“No problem, man.” And then he slaps her on the back, the hollow sound making her jolt. “Now let’s get you married!”
------
Everything was going perfectly. She’d waited for this moment her entire life. Her dress was something out of a fairy tale – white tulle and lace, bodice sparkling because you can never go wrong with some bling. She had a matching cape for under the chuppah draped over her shoulders. Her makeup was delicate, her hair accompanying, long and wavey. It was beyond perfect.
So why did everything feel wrong?
Talia was fawning over her veil, claiming it wasn’t sitting right, like the stylist hadn’t done an excellent job in the first place. She was tugging on her scalp and Dina was reaching breaking point. “Talia, it looks fine.”
“It’s giving you a weird bump–”
“I said it’s fine. Seriously, you’re fussing more than me.”
Talia sighs, walking back to look at Dina’s reflection in the long mirror. “My little sister, getting married.”
“Talia…” Dina murmurs, suppressing a tiny smile.
“Sorry, I’ll shut up.” But her face breaks into a grin, beaming to herself. “But I’m just so excited!”
Biting her lip, Dina flattens her dress, suddenly feeling slightly nauseous. “Yeah, me too.”
She is excited. Excited in a holy shit I’ve waited for this my entire life and now it’s finally here I’m freaking the fuck out type of way. It must have been apparent from her face because Talia falters, cocking her head. “You don’t sound it.”
“I am,” she says, “I am.” And again, repeating it to solidify her anticipation. “Okay, I’m nervous. Only a little bit, though.” She turns away from the mirror to face Talia directly. “That’s normal, right?”
Talia blanks, eyes wide before she’s reassuring, “Oh, yeah. Everyone gets nervous on their wedding day.”
She already knew. Dina just needs to hear it because if she’s feeling this nervous, how was Ellie feeling? It fills her with dread not knowing, terrified that she’ll show up and the woman she’s meant to be marrying just… isn’t there.
It’s awful, really. Expecting that low of Ellie. But it would be naive not to consider the potential flight risk she imposed. She hadn’t dared mention it because that would plant the idea in her brain, manifesting in a jittery of course I wouldn’t that Dina, ultimately, wouldn’t believe anyway.
This isn’t steady ground for marriage. But they love each other – that’s what matters in the end. Their love.
“Do you think she’s doing okay?” Dina asks, fiddling with her hands.
Talia, who was reapplying her lipstick over her shoulder, flicks her eyes at the question. “Who? Ellie?”
Dina gives a small laugh. It lacks its usual mirth. “Who else?”
“She’s probably nervous, too. If that’s what you’re wondering.”
It wasn’t. Dina was actually wondering whether Ellie was still in the building, but she was too terrified to even suggest the idea that all she does is nod.
“Yeah. I suppose so.”
------
She makes it. Barely. The Rabbi glares scornfully at her arrival. He’d be tapping his watch if he had one. But she’s here, nonetheless. A catastrophe avoided. Joel gives her a thumbs-up when he lets her go, oblivious to the breakdown that ensued moments prior. He looks dapper in his suit, steamed and very un-Joel-like. That’s the thing about weddings; everyone looks so different.
The venue was small, lanterns strung from the walls like stars, rows of folding chairs bracketing the aisle. The canopy overhead was entangled with flowers, intertwined with ribbon and fairy lights. It was exactly what Dina had envisioned. All of it was perfected and Ellie couldn’t help but feel that she, waiting awkwardly, is the only thing that isn’t.
She begins to sweat. Heavily. She tries to hide it by wiping her palms on her pants but there are so many people, staring, waiting for her to profess her love and–
Ellie stops dead in her tracks.
People say that seeing your partner walk down the aisle makes you fall in love all over again. Ellie thought it was some dramatic movie trope. The moment that the groom sees his wife and falls to his knees, head in hands, ready to sacrifice everything. And she – the bride – is ethereal, floating towards him like some omnipresent being. She thought it was Hollywood pulling its usual tricks, the hetero-idealistic fantasy that so many aspire to.
Maybe it was fake, but when Ellie sees Dina everyone else disappears. She would fall to her knees like in the movies, but her feet are glued to the spot. Her brain turns itself inside out, her heart thumping to the music as Dina is led by her mom, indescribably more beautiful than all the times before. She suddenly feels like crying – which is so stupid. So, so stupid. However, she bundles up her tears and shoves them down, promising herself that she wouldn’t fuck this up.
The closer Dina became, the more Ellie felt like she was dreaming. None of this felt real. Not once did she ever consider this would happen to her. Some foster kid bumming it on the streets, scrawny and pointy in all the wrong places. A kid who liked girls more than she should have. Having someone like Dina, for a time, was unattainable. And yet, here she is.
And then she’s in front of her, under the chuppah, a minuscule smile that Ellie mirrors. “Hey,” Dina whispers, eyes glistening. She’s beautiful is all Ellie can hear.
“Hi,” Ellie says back, surprised she didn’t puke at the mere thought of opening her mouth.
The room hushes, the ceremony beginning, the pair of them seeing each other for the first time in twenty-four hours. Ellie was only just realising how much she’d missed her.
Thankfully, neither of them mess up their vows. Everything goes smoothly and everyone claps when they’re finished, Ellie feeling light-headed and, quite admittedly, relieved. She hadn’t collapsed, nor had her head exploded, so all things considered, it went well. Dina seems happy and when they’re out of the room she thumbs Ellie’s mouth, tongue between her teeth.
“Sorry, I got my lipstick on you.”
How does Dina still make her feel this way?
“It’s okay.” It’s better than okay. They’re married. They did it. She can call Dina her wife.
“What?” Dina asks as Ellie realises she’s staring.
“I love you.”
------
They have their first dance. If you ask Ellie, she’ll say she led, but if you ask Dina, she’ll say she did. They cut the cake and Tommy does convince the DJ to play Eye Of The Tiger. Joel invites Dina for a twirl and Ellie watches because it is perfect.
She’s happy. They both are.
That smug son of a bitch was right.