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Hello again history buffs! First I present to you a short series of letters and a reply from the archives of Caras Galadhon on the theme of neighbours:
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Dear Sauron
If you should hear from my husband, please explain to him that ours is a completely one sided relationship and I am merely your stalker.
Love, Galadriel
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Dear Sauron
Could you please stop trying to probe the mind of my wife. Every night it's 'Sauron this' and 'Sauron that'. She is obsessed!
Celeborn.
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Dear elf lord
I do not, nor have ever probed your wife. I am a reasonable, benevolent being and so I shall ignore your absurd claims.
If you cannot reason with your fanatical witch, it is none of my doing.
Mairon
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Next we have some letters found near the tower of Orthanc in Isengaurd (formerly inhabited by the wizard Sauroman).
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Dear Sauroman wizzard
The run off from the underground mining beneith your tower is finding its way into the water table and effecting grazing as far as Edoras.
Please purify your waste.
From the secretary of Theoden King.
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Dear man in the white dress,
Whilst breeding uruk-hai that are resistant to sunlight is quite a feat, I fear you have also breed into them the weaknesses of men.
Did you know that if I send mysterious foods parcel to your orcs, they will eat it without question?
Your forge quartermasters also really shouldn't be accepting mysterious packages from 'allies'.
Im afraid your Uruk-hai are just as suseptable to bribary as men. So far, I have gained acess to your chambers several times and am extremely disappointed with that awful black powdered tea you leave lying around.
It gave my little wuff wuff an explosively upset tummy.
Your neighbour in the white cottage with the roses, Mrs Batty.
P. S. Were you one of the children in my class at primary school?
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Dear man in the white dress,
It's your neighbour Mrs Batty again.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your uruk-hai are displaying more of the weaknesses of men.
This time it's religion.
They have been building a secret temple whilst you were away. When I asked the little goblin who sweeps the pews, he said it was dedicated to 'the lady of light'. Is that your elf friend with the glowing blonde wig? She keeps popping round when you are out. I think she steals things.
Mrs Batty
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Dear man in the white dress,
I don't mean to tell your your business, but your dam is leaking again.
Mrs Batty.
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Dear man in the white dress,
Are those giant tree people your friends? They have been leaving pipe weed ash in my garden.
Mrs Batty.
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Dear man in the white dress,
What sort of bird food are you leaving out, because those eagles are huge, and it can't be good for them to get any fatter.
Mrs Batty.
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Dear Mrs Batty
I was pleased to make your acquaintance on my way back from Minas Tirith for my granddaughter Arwen's wedding, however, please note that my husband was not wearing a silver dress. It is the custom for elvish men to wear loosely flowing robes and gowns. I was the one cross-dressing.
Yours sincerely, Galadriel.