Chapter Text
“Regulus Black.”
Regulus feels like he’s going to vomit. He takes a deep breath, clears his hair from his face, and strides towards the center of the room with his chin high. He eyes Dumbledore, the Abnegation leader, as he takes the knife from the man, turning to the bowls and ignoring the old man -- even before the articles Rita Skeeter started releasing about him and the Abnegation faction, he didn’t like the man.
Five bowls. Stones, Water, Earth, Lit Coals, and Glass. His fate lays out in front of him in the form of five large bowls and the elements they hold.
Regulus is the furthest thing from selfless. Not with the way he would hide from his family while his brother took the brunt of the abuse from their parents. Not with the way he keeps his head down to save only himself.
Regulus isn’t kind. He’s brash and sarcastic and mean. He’d rather die than have to plaster on a fake smile and hug and wear red and yellow for the rest of his life.
The Black family is the furthest thing from honest. Lying about the sanctity of their family and their good intentions to hide from cruel smiles, dealing with Rita Skeeter and Tom Riddle, Dauntless leader, to get their way with things. He’s a good liar, and he’d rather not have to tell the truth all the time.
He knows that he’s expected to go into Erudite, and he normally would. He loves being in Erudite, but he doesn’t love his family or the way that his faction has gone.
Regulus isn’t particularly brave, he knows that. He’s not courageous, he’s selfish. His brother, who did choose Dauntless two years prior and was therefore scorned from the family and viewed with nothing but hatred and acid-spat words when his family did care to speak of him, but never by name, is brave. He would always jump in the way of Regulus getting hurt, sacrificing himself for the sake of his younger brother.
It wasn’t a shock to him to see his brother drip his blood over the coals two years ago, he had seen the way that Sirius had stared off at the train of Dauntless students and would smile fondly at the stunts that they would pull. He knew that his brother would sneak out of his room at night, not caring that the window he was leaving was on the fourth floor -- there was even one time that he watched Sirius shimmy down one of the pipes that was still on the outside of their building at the time.
It also wasn't a shock the way that his parents cursed and sneered at him as his brother, dressed in a deep blue, strode over to the Dauntless initiates.
The Dauntless and Erudite bowls are on opposite sides of Regulus, one to the left and the other to the right. He takes a moment to look around the room, taking in the few people left to choose, then looking over where his parents are sitting in the Erudite section, then sliding his eyes over to where his brother chose. He foolishly scans the crowd of black, pierced people for his brother, but he knows he won’t find him.
Regulus finally cuts into his hand with the knife, watching the blood pool and begin to stain his pale skin. Of course Sirius isn’t going to be here. He knows that Regulus is choosing today -- or at least Regulus hopes that he would still know that, he doubts Sirius would be a strict follower of ‘faction before blood’, but their relationship was tense and aggressive leading up to Sirius’ leaving -- which means he also knows that his parents would be here.
He probably assumes that Regulus is going to pick Erudite anyway, and he wouldn’t want to be disappointed.
He’s wrong.
Regulus swiftly turns to his left, letting his blood sizzle over coals.
The word ‘Divergent’ screams at him from the back of his mind. He knows his family would kill him if they found out, maybe he’s safer in Dauntless.
He doesn’t look at his parents as he walks towards the Dauntless initiates. He knows what he’ll see and he doesn’t care to bear witness to it. He knows what the whispers are about, he’s the second Black sibling to leave. Only he and his brother have left, and what does that reflect onto their parents?
Good, let them realise how shitty his upbringing was.
Regulus continues to stand tall for the rest of the ceremony, keeping his chin high and resolutely not looking over at Erudite.
The ceremony ends not long after, there were maybe only ten people after Regulus, and the Dauntless are immediately taking off, sweeping Regulus away with the motion. They take the stairs, running and whooping and cheering. Several of the Dauntless-born initiates are getting slapped on the shoulders or tossed around by their family and friends.
They get on the train, with most of the transfer initiates struggling. Regulus does struggle, at least a bit, but he’s also lithe and quick so it’s not bad. He helps up the only other Erudite transfer when he notices them struggling, someone with dark skin and bleached blonde box braids tied up into a messy bun and charming green eyes.
“Thanks,” they smile, the two of them making their way towards the opposite side of the train to the door, “I’m Pandora.”
Regulus nods, “Regulus.”
“I recognise you from a couple of our classes.” They hum.
Once again, he nods, “I thought you looked familiar. I didn’t think you’d choose Dauntless.”
“The same could be said for you.” Pandora gazes out the door for a while. They hum, low enough that Regulus barely hears it, “As much as I love Erudite, it’s too stuffy for me. I want something more.”
Regulus nods, though he’s not leaving for the same reason, “I understand.”
“Do you?” They turn their gaze back onto him. It’s warm, but it still fills Regulus with dread because it feels like they can see into his very soul.
Regulus doesn’t see the reason to lie. He lets his head drop back against the wall of the train, “In theory, I do. I mean, it’s also partially the same for you.”
“But you have your own reasons,” they nod. They don’t say anything else for most of the ride.
That is, until some of the Dauntless-born initiates start to get up and walk towards the doorway of the train. Some of them are bouncing on their heels and they’re excitedly talking between themselves. Before Regulus knows it, all of the Dauntless-born initiates are going, having jumped from the train, and it’s only the transfers left. Pandora gives Regulus a wild grin and throws themself off the edge of the train, Regulus watches them land ungracefully on the rooftop that everyone else is now on.
“Do it with me?” another voice, honey-like and deep, says from his side. It comes from another person, a girl with even darker skin than Pandora and french curl braids, “I want someone to jump with me.” Regulus reluctantly agrees and lets the girl grab his sleeve, and the two of them jump at the same time.
It’s a rough landing, even if Regulus was prepared for it, and he ends up being dragged down by the girl’s worse one. Pandora is there to help the both of them up though, the grin not having left their face.
“Thanks,” the girl hums, brushing off her black and white outfit and throwing her hair over her shoulder, “I’m Dorcas, by the way.”
“Pandora, and this is Regulus.” Regulus nods but doesn’t otherwise say anything, just gathers his composure. He starts to stride to where the other people have begun to congregate. A man with a slimy face stands on the ledge of the building, introducing himself as Tom Riddle -- Regulus knows this, while he’s never interacted with the man, he knows his face and his voice like the back of his hand -- and telling them that they have to jump off to the ledge.
There’s a murmuring of indecision which frustrates Regulus enough that he lets a growl rip from his mouth and pushes forward towards the edge. He stands next to Tom, looks him in the eye and raises a brow, “I just, fall?”
“You could backflip if you feel like it,” Tom says, slowly stepping out of the way but keeping his gaze on the younger. Regulus sneers at him as he takes up the man’s place, taking a second to look over the faces of all those on the rooftop. And, without a second thought, he lets himself fall backwards.
He’s always loved the idea of the feeling of falling. That weightlessness and feeling his heart jump into his throat as the wind and air cradles his falling form. He thinks about how his brother made the same jump as he is now two years prior and hopes that he can only prove himself to be as brave as him.
His body hits a net like a fucking boulder and it hurts, but not that bad. He straightens himself just as hands are reaching out to him and he grabs them, making sure it’s only his clothes that they’re able to grasp at and gets pulled off the net. He lands relatively steadily, only to be confronted by the most stunning person he’s ever seen. Tan skin, dark brown wavy hair, chocolate brown eyes that warm him, and a kind smile. They have a broad build and are several inches taller than Regulus.
They take a look over him before moving back, “Can I get your name, Erudite?” Regulus is going to give his birth name on instinct, the one that he gives to every person ranked above him, like this person undoubtedly is, but they seem to notice the hesitation, “You get to choose your name here, no one will know.”
So Regulus nods, clears his throat, and meets their eyes, “Regulus.”
Their smile widens marginally and they call out in a deep voice that rattles Regulus’ chest, “First jumper: Regulus!” There’s a cacophony of cheers, almost overwhelming to him, before another person comes dropping from the net like a stone. It’s a Dauntless-born that Regulus doesn’t catch the name of.
Pandora comes next, they announce their name to the person that helped him and the other girl before walking over to Regulus, pouting a bit, “I wanted to go after you, but he practically pushed me out of the way.”
Regulus finds himself smiling a bit, “You’ll just have to show him up.”
“Obviously.” The two of them watch until Dorcas comes down, then the three of them talk while the rest of the initiates jump. Tom is the last person, signalling that everyone has jumped. He says a couple things then strides off, obviously not caring to do anything else with the new initiates. The two that have been helping with the net roll their eyes and mutter something to each other before turning to the initiates.
The attractive person claps their hands, “Right! My name is Prongs-”
“Prongs?” A kid in black and white says judgmentally.
Prongs’ smile falls and they storm up to him, getting close to his face and leaning over him, “Is there a problem?”
The boy pales a bit, “No.”
“Good,” the smile plasters itself on their face again and they move back to their original spot, gesturing to the girl, “this is Marlene. We’re going to be your trainers. Dauntless-born, you’re with Marlene, transfers you’re with me.”
Marlene, a short blonde-headed person nods with a grin on their face, “I assume that you knuckleheads don’t need a tour, and if you do, you’re with the wrong faction. Either way, come with me.” They start walking off, gesturing for the Dauntless-borns to follow them, which most do without complaint. They leave in a crowd of laughter and chaos.
Prongs brings the transfer’s attention back to them by clapping once more, “And that leaves me with you guys. I’ll run you through the tour, then bring you to your rooms, eat dinner, then meet up with another leader and start discussing what your training is going to look at. I know there’s a lot of fun new things to see, but I don’t want any bullshit. Understand?” They all agree and Prongs smiles at them, telling them all to follow him.
This place is eerie, Regulus decides, as they’re led around. Dark and lit only by the occasional icy blue light while Prongs is talking. He does, however, decide that he likes the Chasm. The loud rush of the water is a nice sound that fills the space and empties Regulus’ head for the moment that they're there. Then they’re moving on to see where their rooms are then brought to the Pit.
They’re greeted with yet another cacophony of cheers -- Regulus has been here for mere hours and has already been cheered for more times than in the sixteen years he lived in Erudite -- which makes some of the other transfers laugh and grin.
Prongs leads the group towards the bottom of the Pit and tells them to get settled and eat. Then they smile at all of them and turn towards where Marlene is now sitting. They head off and leave the transfers to figure out where they want to go. Regulus is overwhelmed, but he doesn’t get the chance to process any of what just happened before Pandora is grabbing onto his sleeve and dragging him and Dorcas off to some empty seats.
The three of them serve themselves and Pandora and Dorcas fill the chatter so Regulus doesn’t have to. Instead, he just stares around the room, taking in as much as he can while eating. He vaguely recognises some of the Dauntless-born initiates that he saw earlier laughing boisterously at a table, throwing food at each other. But he moves on quickly, roving his eyes over Tom and various other black-wearers with piercings and tattoos all over.
He doesn’t see his brother.
But shouldn’t he?
Even if it’s been two years, he figures that he would recognise the man.
But maybe Sirius has just changed that much. Regulus sure has.
Fuck, does Sirius still think that he has- had a sister?
Regulus wants to cry at the idea. He doesn’t. Instead, he finally pulls his gaze from the room, taking only a second to linger where Prongs has their head thrown back in laughter, so he can focus on whatever Pandora is excitedly talking about, their hands flying around them to accentuate their story.
And Regulus really tries to focus on their conversation, but joining it halfway through makes it a bit hard to follow and their attention gets grabbed once again by a man with greasy black hair walking up to where Prongs is sitting. He takes note of the way that their face falls at the man’s presence, though they give him a curt nod. Regulus is able to see them making some sort of unpleasant and tense conversation, but he doesn’t actually hear anything. He wonders what it could’ve been about but figures that he should just mind his business.
Unfortunately, Regulus has to be introduced to the man that approached Prongs moments later when he makes an announcement. He clears his throat and tells the transfers to follow him. Prongs stands up and walks away moments later, which answers the question about why this man is taking over, but it opens a whole new can of questions.
Nonetheless, Regulus stands up and follows Pandora and Dorcas, who all follow the man wordlessly. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t introduce himself, just silently commands that they follow him. He stops near a room and stands in front of the closed door, introducing himself as Snape and running them through the rules and their training, informing the group that he’s going to be overseeing it alongside Prongs.
Training starts at eight, no later, and goes until six with a break for lunch. There’ll be time between stages. Can’t leave the compound without a Dauntless member. The first stage is Dauntless-born and transfer exclusive, then they’ll be combined and brought to only ten total people.
They’re going to be fucking ranked.
But there’s only seven -- there were ten, but three got lost along the way -- transfers, that’s alright. Ten Dauntless-borns. Seven people will be gone by the end of this, factionless and suffering out there. Regulus feels dread begin to build in his stomach.
What if Sirius didn’t make it?
It doesn’t matter how brave he was if this was the process. There’s the possibility that Sirius didn’t make it, and that’s why he hasn’t been able to find his older brother.
Snape doesn’t stay for much longer, just sneering at all of them and their complaints, “If you decide that this is too tough for you, then you aren’t meant to be in Dauntless and it would be best for you and your peers if you just leave now. Failure shouldn’t matter to you, in fact it shouldn’t even be an option.” He moves out of the way and pushes the door open, “You chose us, now we have to choose you.”
Notes:
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Chapter 2: This World is Not Made For You
Notes:
I apologise for making Emmeline kind of a Molly stand in, but I couldn’t think of anyone else so she’s the stand in. She’s kind of a mix between Molly and just another unnamed transfer in this. And there’s no real Al stand in (right now, you’ll figure it out later) but Dorcas and Pandora kind of flip flop between being Christina and being Al
I stand by the fact that the characters in Divergent should’ve been allowed to swear.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus doesn’t like waking up, in fact he rather hates consciousness. But here he is, having to wake up at seven in the morning to be able to get ready, eat something light with Pandora -- the only other person that seemed willing to be awake this early in the day -- then finally force Dorcas and Xeno awake with muffins in hand for them and take off towards the training room.
Prongs is waiting for them in the room when they get in, as is Emmeline. Prongs taps their foot while waiting for Avery and Mulciber to get into the room. And when they finally do, the trainer rolls their eyes but doesn’t otherwise say anything. They finally move out of the way of the table they’re standing in front of and grabs a couple things off of it.
They start walking down the line that the transfers have naturally formed, putting the objects into each person’s hand. Regulus isn’t sure what it is at first, only dawning on him when he feels the cold weight of it in his own hand.
A gun.
Regulus has never been one for violence, especially with his upbringing -- though he’s sure that has to change quickly if this is the first day of training -- and the feeling of the gun in his hands makes him slightly sick. It’s cold, the feeling from the metal seeping into his skin and weighing his hand down in a way that makes it feel like his whole body is sagging. Just knowing the danger that the object in his hand can bring makes him…
Does Sirius know how to shoot a gun? He must if he went through this whole training, assuming he is still alive and at the compound somewhere. A part of him can’t even imagine his older brother -- wild in most ways but calm in some others, and no matter what looking at the world with kind, passionate eyes -- holding a gun and shooting it, let alone being willing to.
Prongs doesn’t spare him another glance, just putting the final gun in Pandora’s hand. They have one themself as they stand to look at the line in its whole, “You have three phases in your training, all increasing in the weight your rankings hold. While it’s hard to improve your rank from the first round, it’s not impossible. In this phase, you’re learning how to fight.”
They start pacing along the front of the line, keeping their eyes on each transfer that they pass before looking to the next one, “There are several types of combat, ranged with guns, melee in the form of skin-to-skin, melee in the form of weapons, and ranged using the means of other weapons such as knives and bows. You’re learning two of those today, how to shoot a gun and how to fight skin-to-skin.
“You’re going to be prepared, because the more prepared you are, the more likely you are to act in the face of danger and stress. That is bravery. Just like with fighting, there are several ways to be prepared and your training in them will go in this order: physically, emotionally, then mentally.”
Mucliber mutters something under his breath, though he’s far enough away that Regulus isn’t able to properly make it out. He does make out a yawn.
Prongs’ face falls. They change their grip on the gun in their hand, going from relaxed to tense and with their finger resting just near the trigger. They’re in front of Mulciber before Regulus even knows what’s happening, their gun pressed to his now-pale head. There’s a click.
Prongs glowers down at him, “Do you realise the danger of the weapon that you're holding? In your hands is an object that kills people, Candor. It was bad enough that you were late to training, and today will be your only exception. From now on, you’ll wake the fuck up, get here on time, and take this seriously. You’re holding a lethal weapon, get yourself together.” They stare at him for a while longer before finally dropping the gun from his head and walking back where they were previously.
Mulciber glares at them, they don’t seem to notice. His cheeks are bright red and there’s the beginnings of sweat beading at his temple. Regulus contains a smile.
Prongs clears their throat and instructs the transfers to watch them, moving into place and turning to face the targets in the room. They take their time to make a show of getting into the right position and bring their gun in front of them. Regulus watches them intently.
Feet apart, gun in both hands, straight in front of them…
They take a deep breath and fire. Regulus’ ears ring, and there’s a hole dead center in the target.
Regulus swallows. He turns to the target in front of him, taking a moment to think about every detail about his body; how he’s standing, his hold on the gun, the best way to aim and find a trajectory…
It’s hard to hold the gun, he’s shaking he realises, and the cold makes it feel like his fingers don’t quite bend all the way. But he takes a deep breath like Prongs did, squeezes the trigger, and fires. The recoil throws him back and he loses some of his balance, but he manages to recover. He clears his throat, takes a second to rid the ringing in his ears from a gunshot so close to him, and zeros in on the target.
Right there, in the bottom corner, there’s a bullet hole.
Regulus readies himself again. His aim doesn’t get better for a while, but he takes his time with each shot. Someone, whos’ not sure who but they’re to his left, sends off constant shots without much time between each one and he hears Xeno make a remark.
Another deep breath, his finger squeezes the trigger, and… it hits, a bit closer than last time. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Prongs watching him. They nod as if in approval and move on. Regulus is distracted enough that he does worse with his next shot.
In the end, Regulus only hits the center of the target once, but he’s one of the only people that managed it in the first place so he feels fairly accomplished by the time Prongs calls for lunch. Though, as he unloads the gun like they taught the group and sets it down on the table it was on originally, Regulus notes that the metal is warm from his hands and from the reaction of the bullet firing and he’s not as scared of it anymore. His arm and fingers hurt, though.
Is this how Sirius felt?
Regulus wonders if Prongs would know his brother. They seem young, maybe they were in Sirius’ group? Maybe they even trained him. Or maybe they were the year between himself and Sirius and wouldn’t really have an idea as to who he’s talking about.
Pandora throws their arm around Regulus and leans into him, beginning to walk him to the dining hall, Dorcas and Xeno falling into stride with them not long after. They all settle down in the dining hall and serve themself food. Regulus allows himself to once more get distracted by his thoughts, letting the chatter of Pandora, Dorcas, and Xeno around him fill the air -- they’re talking about classes they had together, maybe?
When they finally manage to pull him back to attention, they take to teasing him, which gets him to laugh -- albeit a bit hesitant, since he’s the current butt of their jokes -- but it… he doesn’t remember the last time he found a reason to laugh.
He thinks it might've been before Sirius left, that was the last time there was any joy in his household, and God knew that Regulus didn’t really have friends in school. Even in their dull, loveless house, Sirius and Regulus used to manage to steal moments and laugh about something together or just… exist in the same space feeling safe.
Prongs grabs the attention of everyone when their lunch period ends and brings them to another room. It’s big with a chalkboard on one end and a giant pit in the middle with a rough staircase down into the area line with sand? Or dirt? The chalkboard has their names, written alphabetically. In the area furthest from the pit, there’s a line of punching bags. Semi-reluctantly, the group makes their way over to their punching bag.
Prongs makes sure that everyone can see them, clearing their throat, “This is where you’ll learn to fight. It’s common play for the members of Dauntless to fight and this will help you get through that. You’ll also experience threats and challenges, and honing your body to that will keep you alive. I’ll teach you technique and you’ll take the day to practice it, then you’ll start fighting tomorrow. You’ll need to learn quickly to get through this and take the time to learn what your personal skill is.”
With that, they walk them through several punches and kicks then send the group off to their own devices, walking along the group and watching each of them. Regulus… struggles, for lack of better words. He’s made to run and is better with speed, not much physical strength, though he’s not sure how well his speed is going to help him here.
The punching bag stings with every punch and he doesn’t manage to move it much, but he does eventually start to get a hold of how to do the punches and the kicks. That doesn’t improve his capability at them, however.
Prongs gets to him, watching him for a while and Regulus has to force himself to not falter under the knowledge that his motions are being scrutinised. They watch him calculatingly, not saying anything for a moment other than watching him.
Then they move forward just a bit so he can hear them better, “You’re… small. Lithe, but not very muscular. Your elbows and knees are where your power is going to be, and you can get more momentum with them. Utilise your speed, don’t stop moving.” Regulus nods passively, and Prongs leans forward to correct something in his posture. The spot they touch nearly burns as they make their corrective comment, pulling their hand away when he nods and walking away.
Regulus needs to get himself together.
He manages to, changing his technique just a bit but otherwise just tiring himself out.
Prongs releases them for dinner and this time it’s Dorcas that drapes herself over Regulus -- he’s noticed that she and Pandora are careful to not actually touch his skin and wonders what about him makes them know to be cautious with touch. Perhaps it’s because he grabbed both of their sleeves the one time that he initiated contact with each person.
“I think you’ve got Prong’s attention.” Dorcas singsongs to him.
Pandora shakes their head, “I couldn’t handle it, they scare me.”
Dorcas nods passively, “They’ve got this sweet sounding voice and they speak so quietly, it’s nerve wracking.”
“They’re intense.” Regulus nods. He can’t imagine how someone with such kind eyes and a kind smile that they greeted him with when he jumped can turn into such an intense and… intimidating trainer. How someone that reminded him he could choose his own name here could hold a gun to someone’s head just to get a message across.
Regulus can’t say that he was scared of their attention today. He definitely felt a little something, but it wasn’t fear.
Dorcas hums while they’re walking, “I want a tattoo.”
Xeno furrows his brows, “Of what?”
She shrugs with the shoulder of her arm not wrapped around Regulus, “Dunno. I just like the look of the tattoos people here have and I want one for myself, y’know.” Pandora nods and agrees with the notion, deciding that they’ll get one as well. Xeno considers it but decides he’ll just watch for now. They turn to Regulus.
He shakes his head, “I’m good. I… would like to relax and have some time away from people.” They have a bunch of free time before they need to get to bed. Regulus didn’t have a lot of free time, and the free time that he did have at home he was always hiding in his room with a book.
He’s not sure he’ll be able to read here. Would it be considered “too Erudite”? Would he be criticised by the Dauntless members for settling down with a good book?
“What,” Dorcas whines jokingly, “Not even getting a piercing?”
“I’d rather not.”
“But you’d look so hot with nipple piercings.” Regulus feels his face redden. Erudite as a faction isn’t necessarily… modest, at least nowhere near Abnegation, but Regulus was raised in a family that just… had he talked or even thought about something like that, he would be punished. One time Sirius was talking about how pretty a girl in his class was and…
Besides, Regulus couldn’t hide his… issues if he were to get a piercing or a tattoo.
Apparently in his reverie, they reached the Pit. Dorcas and Pandora decide that they want to go shopping for some new clothes and Regulus figures that he can muster up enough energy to go with Xeno to look for clothes themselves. So they split into their groups and Regulus and Xeno spend some time walking around and finding a couple things that they might be interested in -- Regulus figures that he should make the switch from his deep, calming blue, to stark black here soon. They get a couple shirts and pants and a pair of better shoes then head out, though Regulus stops when he notices a book display on the opposite end of the store.
He brings Xeno over there and checks over a couple of the books. There’s not many that are interesting. Mostly adrenaline junkie things that Regulus isn’t sure he would like. There are a couple older books, one of which grabs his attention, so he grabs that and gets it as well.
They split outside the store, Xeno going to meet with Pandora and Dorcas while Regulus turns to go back to the dormitory to relax with his new book for a while. The dorm is empty and Regulus is able to put his new clothes away and settle with the book in his own privacy. He stops to grab some food but he goes back to reading not long after. He heads to bed before everyone else.
…
The next day, Prongs explains that they’re going to be fighting each other, but there will be one person left out each day since there’s an odd number of them. They move out of the way after setting down the chalk they were using to write, their fingers slightly white from their hold on it.
Regulus doesn’t have a partner today.
He’s not sure if he’s happy with that or…
Dorcas groans next to him, “I’m up against Mulciber.”
“Is he good at fighting?” Regulus furrows his brows.
“Not sure.” She shakes her head, “But he’s sure good at beating people up, don’t know if they ever fight back.” She gestures to where Mulciber and Avery are talking, Emmeline not far from them, “Those two have been inseparable for as long as I can remember. No one likes them. Don’t know about Emmeline, though.” In front of them, Xeno and Avery descend down into the pit area and take their places.
Pandora shakes their head, “She and I never talked, but we knew of each other. She’s been training how to fight for our entire lives. Also has a bit of a mean streak, but she can be nice when she feels like it.”
Regulus nods, “I tried to stray away from her as much as possible.” Pandora hums in agreement.
Xeno is much smaller than Avery, and Regulus knows how this is going to turn out even as they take their places. The fight starts and Avery punches Xeno in the jaw, something that Regulus can feel from here. Xeno stumbles but manages to block the next couple of hits.
Xeno manages to get Avery on the ground.
“It’s already established that I have a mutual hate relationship with Mulciber and Avery.” Dorcas hums, flicking her eyes between the fight happening in the pit and where Mulciber is grinning down at the fight. Regulus finally notes that Snape is in the room with them, standing near Prongs. They’re not standing close, even if they’re near each other, both tense. He can’t help but wonder what the tension between the two of them is.
The fight goes on, though Xeno keeps glancing up at Prongs like he’s waiting for them to call it. They set their jaw and cross their arms. Instead, Snape is the one to speak, “Is this a game to you two? Come on, we don’t have all day for this.”
“When does the fight end?” Xeno manages between dodging and blocking Avery’s punches.
Snape gives them a malicious, blood-thirsty grin that makes Regulus’ heart sink into his stomach, “It ends when one of you can’t fight any more.”
Prongs sneers, “Or if one of you concedes.”
“Not anymore.” Snape snaps, “That was the old rules, not the ones we have now.” The two of them get into an argument about what bravery is, which can’t be a good sign of the state of this faction. Regulus watches them, an honourable Dauntless member and a… less savoury and more vicious Dauntless member. Unfortunately for them, the wrong one is in control.
Despite the argument, the fight continues on and, eventually, Xeno gets knocked down and Avery punches him hard in the jaw and the light leaves Xeno’s charming eyes. He falls limp and dread fills Regulus’ chest, replacing where his heart once was. Avery doesn’t seem to care, just grins up at Snape.
Snape who’s grinning down at Xeno’s unconscious body with greed and desire in his eyes. It makes Regulus sick. He commands for someone to get him up and out of the way while Prongs goes over and circles Avery’s name on the board. Pandora rushes down to help get Xeno up and out of the pit while Dorcas takes a deep breath, rolls her neck, and goes to meet Mulciber in the pit.
Pandora brings Xeno to Prongs while Dorcas bounces on her toes and cracks her knuckles a bit. They guide him out of the room and hopefully to the infirmary, Avery sits in his chair with a triumphant grin.
Dorcas gets the first hit in, kicking Mulciber in the side and pulling back before he can grab her ankle. He dives at Dorcas, grabs at her stomach, and brings her down to the ground. No amount of strength or writhing that Dorcas shows, she isn’t able to get out from under him. It only gets worse as Mulciber just starts going ham on her, punching her in various places in her face, and blood begins trickling down her dark skin.
Regulus wants to look away.
He can’t.
Dorcas manages to get her arm free and knock Mulciber off of her body, getting to her knees. Her shoulders move unsteadily as she moves as far from Mulciber as she can get. Despite every one of Regulus’ wishes, she stays conscious. She doesn’t let herself fall under.
It gets her a kick to the stomach from Mulciber, who recovered soon after being knocked off. Dorcas grits her teeth and calls out, “Stop! I’m done. I’m fucking done.” Regulus lets out a breath of relief, Pandora doing the same next to him.
Mulicber gives a cruel smile while Snape sneers and walks into the pit, getting in front of Dorcas and towering over her -- funnily, she’s taller than him when she’s standing -- and snarling, “I’m sorry, I must’ve misheard you. What did you say?” Dorcas snarls at him, red staining her clothes, her face, and the ground around her.
She doesn’t say anything, just glares at the greasy man.
“Get up.” Snape commands, his voice steady and quiet. Regulus wants to cry. He forces Dorcas to her feet, pulling her through a separate pair of doors in the pit after commanding everyone to follow him.
They have no choice.
Notes:
I said last chapter that I wouldn’t do much worldbuilding, but when I do, note that the environment will be different. I have a very specific view of the world that is most definitely not what’s described in the book so just… remember that ig
I’m not good at narrating fights, so I’m mostly relying on the description of the fights that happen in the book.
Finally, go check out my tumblr!
Chapter Text
Regulus has to support Pandora as they walk down the rough stairs and through the doors Snape just dragged their friend through -- they’ve been here for two full days and Regulus is already viewing these people as his friends, what happened to him?
Regulus liked the Chasm the first time they encountered it. He enjoyed the roaring of it in his ears and how the sound of it blocked out his thoughts. He enjoyed the moisture of this section of the compound -- which is practically a cave. He has a feeling that whatever is going to happen will change his mind.
Dorcas is barely able to keep up with the speed that Snape drags her, his grip white knuckled on her upper arm. Dread fills Regulus’ stomach and makes it hard to swallow. He practically tosses her to the railing, “Climb it. You’ll hang for five minutes, and if you can do that I’ll forgive your cowardice. If not, well… you’ve got one of two fates, entering the chasm, or you won’t be finishing your initiation.”
Dorcas stares at him for a while, bloody and beaten but still holding her chin high so she’s looking down at him over her nose. She sneers, “Fine.” And with that, she limps the rest of the way to the railing. She throws her leg over the railing and leans forward to hold herself with her elbows.
Dorcas takes her time, wiping each hand on her pants to rid of the blood and sweat then using her shirt to wipe the railing to dry it off. Then she makes direct eye contact with Snape and grabs onto the railing, stepping off of the ledge and lowering herself down so she’s dangling by only her hands. Regulus can barely see her face between the metal bars, but from what he sees of it?
She’s calm, keeping her determined gaze on Snape the entire time. Regulus would even argue that she’s confident.
It appears that the chasm doesn’t care about her confidence, as the water splashes onto her back and her hands. Her face doesn’t falter.
It doesn’t falter when, about two minutes in -- there are very few times where Regulus feels like time is passing slower than normal, and this is one -- her hands begin to slip until she’s holding on by merely her fingers. Instead, in a miraculous show of strength, she takes her left hand from the bar and brings her shirt hem up to wipe at the next rung down, planting her hand firmly on it once more.
Just as she’s about to do the same for her right hand, the water once again jumps and presses into her back. It pushes her forward so she slams into the rock of the pathway and a hiss leaves her mouth, but she holds on. And she efficiently and quickly follows through with the process.
She’s shaking, but her face doesn’t change. She just keeps staring at Snape.
Regulus checks his watch, three minutes have passed.
There are tears streaming down her face, mixing with the blood and the salt water, but her face doesn’t change. Pandora, who had leaned over to watch Regulus’ watch, begins to cheer Dorcas on. Not anything of substance, they don’t tell Dorcas the time since that’ll just make it worse on her. But they cheer her on. Regulus finds himself quietly doing the same.
One minute. Pandora starts calling Dorcas hot, which makes her laugh. Dorcas keeps her gaze on Snape. She doesn’t turn to them, but the slight lift to the corner of her lip is enough for the moment.
Thirty seconds. Dorcas’ hands slip again, she’s once again holding on by her fingertips. Regulus watches her arms shake.
Finally, the five minutes are up and Regulus is spitting to Snape, “Time is up you bastard.” Snape opens his mouth to say something, probably to spout more bullshit and sudden rules, but Regulus isn’t hearing it. Neither is Pandora.
They go to grab Dorcas' arms to help her up. Her arms are slick with water, sweat, and blood and hard to get a grip of. But they both lean over the railing -- luckily, despite both of their shorter statures, they're tall enough to fold over the railing well enough -- and grab her arm. Regulus grabs just short of her right elbow and her hand lets go of the railing rung just to grab at his arm. It gives him the ability to grab her hand with his free one. Pandora does the same and the two of them heave her body up until she can get her feet onto the ledge once again.
Regulus takes the hand he’s holding in hers -- this is the first time they’ve actually made skin contact -- and brings it around his shoulder so he can balance her while she steps up over the railing. She leans her weight into his body and Regulus doesn’t mind that his clothes are getting wet and there’s likely blood smeared somewhere on him, which he normally would with his upbringing. He had to be pristine at all times.
This isn’t the time.
Dorcas is on the way to being his new family, and she’s more important than being pristine.
Snape still insists that they finish the fights so they’re all corralled back to the fighting area. Pandora goes with Emmeline, getting taken out pretty quickly. They’re good enough to walk back, but Regulus spends most of their journey being the crutch for Dorcas and Pandora to lean on while he guides them to the dining hall.
The last thing that Regulus registers before the three of them leave is Prongs and Snape having a harsh conversation in low tones. The sight of Snape makes him sick and anger coils in his stomach.
…
Despite everything that happened the previous day, everyone has to meet just as early in the same room to start the fights again. Pandora, who entered the room just before him, brings him to their chairs with a solemn expression, “I’m sorry.”
And Regulus is confused for a while, before he finally turns to look at the board.
Fuck.
Regulus is up against Mulciber.
Would it be too late to pitch himself over the chasm railing and let the sweet release of death take him away from here?
He figures that he’s already in this room, so there’s no leaving at this point.
Regulus takes a deep breath and raises his chin just a bit, “It’s fine. We go second, so I have some time to get things figured out. I’ll be fine.”
He doesn’t believe the words. And from the look that Dorcas, Pandora, and Xeno send him, they don’t either.
Regulus wasn’t good at fighting when they went over it. He wasn’t able to effectively punch and Prongs had to correct his stance.
They did, however, say that his speed and his elbows were his best bet.
Emmeline and Avery go down into the pit, getting into position and starting up their fight as soon as possible.
Even knowing his strengths in fighting, Regulus isn’t sure he’ll be able to win against Mulciber. He’s big and meaty and somehow still relatively fast.
There’s not much confidence.
The fight between Emmeline and Avery is over faster than Tris would’ve liked. Emmeline wins over Avery, but he’s still conscious enough to peel himself off the ground and snarl at the girl. Emmeline just returns the look with a cocky grin before she turns and walks up the stairs, leaving Avery in her dust.
Prongs circles her name on the board, calling out that it’s Regulus and Mulciber’s turn. They both stand and Regulus refuses to cower under the look of malicious bliss that fills Mulciber’s face. He passes Prongs, standing by the door with his arms crossed, and Snape who stands near them similar to how they were the previous day.
They make their way down into the pit, and Regulus clears his throat. They get into position, and Regulus takes a moment to breathe. Mulciber says something but Regulus doesn’t register it.
Another breath.
Use your elbows and knees
Regulus raises his hands.
Focus on your speed
A final breath, and Regulus is going in for a kick right as Mulciber is taunting him -- something about him begging, Regulus would rather shoot himself -- and he’s able to pull his leg away before the man can grab it and bring him to the ground. However, the kick doesn’t do much and Regulus is taken advantage of before he’s aware of what’s happening.
Mulciber strikes at him and his only thought is to stay on his feet. Snape makes a snide remark and Mulciber seemingly takes it as permission to fucking lose it on Regulus. He strikes the shorter’s face, and Regulus tries to get away from him but he’s so overwhelmed by the fight Mulciber gets the upper hand and he’s on the ground before he knows it.
Mulciber kicks his stomach, kneels and grabs Regulus’ hair, shoving his face into the ground and Regulus’ vision goes black for a moment.
He moves away for a moment, giving Regulus the ability to roll away and attempt to get back onto his feet. He does so and goes to strike Mulciber. He gets one in, getting a grunt in response, before the man retaliates.
Regulus is angled just enough to see Prongs shake their head, push from the wall, and walk out of the room.
The shorter gets in another hit, but Mulicber gets in two and Regulus is back on the ground. A harsh kick knocks the wind from him and there’s a shout of, “Enough!” Before the room goes black and the last thing that Regulus can feel is the blood along his face.
…
Dread. Nothing but dread as Regulus wakes up.
His body fucking hurts and he can feel his blood pulsing in his veins and pure dread fills his gut and chokes him. He cracks his eyes open, then immediately shuts them because the light is too much, and it’s only then that he registers
“Is it bad that he looks really attractive all bruised like that?” Pandora, at least that’s who Regulus thinks it is, asks.
Dorcas responds with a snort, “You’re a fucking weirdo, y’know that?”
Pandora hums in response.
Regulus finally forces himself to open his eyes, though he keeps them heavily lidded so he doesn’t have to fully face the bright lights of the medbay area of the compound. He looks around at Pandora, Doras, and Xeno where they’re situated around him, taking in each of them.
Pandora is bruised and their lip is split. Regulus furrows his brows a bit, despite the fact that it hurts to do so, “What’s wrong with your face?”
Dorcas snorts, “Apparently he’ll lose his filter if we get him on meds.”
Xeno rolls his eyes, “I beat Pandora during the fights. How are you feeling?”
“Like I threw myself off the top of a building and managed to live.” Regulus groans, “I can feel my pulse in my fingers.
Pandora laughs, “You got pretty beat up back there.”
Dorcas hums, “Put up a better fight than I thought you would.”
“Thanks,” Regulus groans sarcastically, rolling his eyes and immediately regretting it when it burns. He reaches up and pinches the bridge of his nose, ignoring the way that the movement aches through all of his body, “If only I could stay here forever and not have to fight again, I’m not sure my body can take it.”
“Who knew someone this stoic could be so dramatic.” Dorcas hums, a mirth-filled smile on her face.
Regulus flips her off weakly, making all three of them bark with laughter.
He’s lying. He wouldn’t want to stay here. He has bad memories and associations with hospitals.
His parents refused to ever take him or Sirius to the hospital or anything because they didn’t want the doctors to find the evidence of their parents’ actions on their bodies. If they were in serious need of medical help, their parents either let the two of them suffer with it for a while as a ‘punishment’ because they were acting irrationally, or they called upon the personal doctors that were forced into silence about the things they witnessed in that household, alongside all the other staff in the house.
The one time that Regulus can remember going to the hospital was…
His father had gotten into a… workplace accident -- that’s what they called it, Regulus never found out the real reason for his injury. He worked in accounting, how would he managed to get fucking stabbed in the arm. And his father was forced to go. Obviously, to make them look like a good, functional family, Sirius and Regulus were forced by their mother to visit their father with flowers and cards. Regulus will never forget the look that his parents gave them, and the entire monologue that Walburga gave on the way back home, complaining about her husband having to be sent to the hospital, the hospital staff not doing enough, and anything under the sun that her shrill voice could complain about.
Regulus doesn’t like it here. Being in a hospital makes him think about all the times he was mistreated. At least here, the doctors know where his bruises come from so he doesn’t feel like he has to hide them with his clothes.
The group talks for a bit longer before the other three decide that they’re going to dinner after Regulus reassures them that he’s alright alone. Xeno tells them that they’re going on a fieldtrip the next day and they have to be at the train by fifteen past eight the next morning. Regulus thanked him and groaned internally at the idea of having to wake up that early when he feels like this. Xeno sends him one last smile and closes the door behind the group.
Regulus doesn’t eat.
Tears well up in his eyes, but he doesn’t cry either. Not even when he’s left with his self-deprecating thoughts, the thoughts of his constant worrying about being Divergent. Especially not when he thinks about the fact that his brother had to go through this, his brother had to put himself in danger once more just to get away from their family.
God, he hopes he can find his brother again.
Regulus eventually forces himself out of bed and into his dorm. As much as he joked about not seeing Mulciber again, he’s not going to let the man think he’s won. Sleep finds him easily after that, the pain of his body fading with his consciousness.
…
Regulus wants to die.
He wants to curl up into a ball and rot until he no longer has to feel.
It’s his first thought when he wakes up. His second is that he’s being shaken.
Pandora is there when he finally cracks his eyes open, one of their hands sitting gently on his shoulder and shaking him. They smile when they make eye contact, “Let’s go.” Regulus groans and only sits up when Pandora’s fingers change to dig slightly into his shoulder, “I know, but you have to get up.” They gesture to the clock on the wall, reading eight.
“Fuck.”
They laugh, “I figured that I’d let you sleep in a bit. I’ll get you something to eat while you change.”
Regulus nods and the two of them break. Pandora gives him one last smile before slipping out of the dorm room and Regulus uses the finally empty dorm to not have to change in the bathroom as he’s been doing -- much to the amusement of Mulciber, Emmeline, and Avery.
There’s a singular mirror in the dorms, small and hard to see much with, but it’s enough after Regulus slowly unbuttons his sleep shirt and painfully pulls his binder from his chest -- he knows that he shouldn’t have slept with it, but if it hurts this much to pull it off now... He’s bruised in so many places, the dark colouring marring his skin. It’s-
He isn’t sure how to feel about it. Seeing his chest out and marked with the same paint that he has suffered from his entire life. But this time it’s not from his parents.
Does that make it different?
He doesn’t feel the same dread gazing at these bruises. He knows that he doesn’t have to hide the ones that colour his visible skin and doesn’t have to lie about what happened on the off-chance that someone does see them -- hell, everyone in the dorm has a bruise or two somewhere from these fights.
There’s also the knowledge that Regulus managed to get enough hits in on Mulciber that the man likely has a couple bruises of his own. These bruises are a reminder that Regulus is finally learning to fight back.
That he got to fight back.
And he’s only going to get better at it.
He doesn’t have to be weak or scared anymore. Or at least, he won’t soon enough.
Regulus breathes, takes in his own appearance for a few more seconds, then he turns away and starts changing into new clothes.
Every movement fucking hurts, but Regulus manages to pull on some comfortable clothes. And Pandora is knocking on the door and letting themself in just as he’s tying his shoes, handing him a muffin then telling him to follow them. He does and they’re out by the train with only a couple minutes to spare.
Xeno bumps his side into Pandora’s when they arrive, “Took you two long enough.”
Pandora rolls their eyes, “Figured that I’d give princess over there some more time to sleep.” Regulus rolls his eyes, for once finding that he doesn’t mind the use of a feminine term for him. He knows they’re joking. He knows that they wouldn’t mind if he called them princess.
The two of them start talking and Dorcas isn’t ever up to talking in the morning, so Regulus takes the time to look around.
He was right, nearly everyone is covered in bruises and cuts along their visible skin, though some are less visible than others with their darker skin -- Pandora and Dorcas have dark enough skin that it’s harder to see the marring of their beatings.
Prongs, the only unbruised one, is standing in front of all of them, so close to the tracks that Regulus feels his anxiety spike. They take a step back as the train starts nearing, gesturing for Emmeline, who’s standing in front, to start getting onto it. Xeno and Pandora get on after her, struggling to get into the car but still managing to make it look relatively graceful.
They’re immediately shown up by Prongs grabbing onto the handle on the outside of the train and practically floating into the train car. Then Regulus is needing to get into the car next, properly about to embarrass himself compared to that casual -- attractive -- display of acting like there’s not a whole 185 centimeters of body to maneuver.
So Regulus starts running, and as he’s about to prepare for jumping into the car, Dorcas picks up him like a child, grabbing him by his underarms, and lifts him into the train car, then she throws herself into it after he’s in. Regulus thinks Mulciber laughs at the display, but then he gets to watch the man flail to get into the train car himself, Avery not far after him, so he tries not to let it get to him.
Mulciber makes a comment once he’s in the car and Regulus rolls his eyes at it, though Xeno jumps to his defense with a snarky remark. It leads to a whole tirade between the groups until Prongs sighs, “I’m not particularly interested in your bickering.” And that gets them to stop, Pandora sending them an apologetic look while Dorcas and Xeno seem not at all ashamed about it. Prongs takes it for the luxury that it is and turns to look out of the car, grabbing onto the handles and leaning until they’re mostly out of the car.
It’s… a sight.
The wind presses their shirt tight against their chest, their eyes are closed and they take consistent breaths despite the fact that it’s likely hard to breath with their speed. They look.. Calm. At peace. Like this is truly where they were meant to be -- there’s no doubt in Regulus’ mind that they’re Dauntless born with the way that they act and the fact that they seem invigorated by the most… daunting of tasks.
Pandora hums, seemingly staring out past their trainer, “Did you ever have McGonagall?”
Regulus shrugs, “Only once.” His parents hated the woman and had a freakout when he let it slip that she was his mentor. She had been Sirius’ and apparently she alone converted him with her ‘magical words’. They forced Rite Skeeter to personally mentor him and Regulus is incredibly grateful of the fact that they paid a lot of hush money. Otherwise, Regulus would’ve been treated…
Not a lot of people, even in Erudite, can say that they like the Erudite leader.
“Did she tell you the story about the fence?”
He nods, “I don’t remember it, though.”
“What are you guys talking about?” Xeno butts in, leaning his head on Pandora to annoy them.
They don’t seem to mind, in fact they smile as they shrug and his head moves with the motion, “We were required to have personal ‘mentors’ because they didn’t want to call it tutors-”
“Why weren’t you allowed to call them tutors?” Dorcas furrows her brows.
Regulus leans his head back against the wall of the car, finally tearing his gaze from where it’s flicked back over to Prongs to look at her, “Because only stupid people need tutors, and our faction didn’t foster stupid people.”
Pandora nods at Xeno’s mumbled ‘ridiculous’, “Anyways, we were all required to have mentors on top of our own education that focused on a certain field within the Erudite compound’s operations. The one that I had, McGonagall, talked about the fence a lot. How it was before the guards were put out there, how she actually agreed with moving the guards but she wasn’t very happy about it, and the one time that she went outside the fence when she was young.” They’re about to launch into the story, but Prongs shoots them a warning look so they quiet down.
At the same time, the train screeches to a halt and lurches, helping Regulus stand up with the momentum it gives him. The opening in the car leads to an awning and Regulus slowly lowers himself onto the grass while taking in the fields of yellow. Then the fence, menacings and large, then the dead trees and patrolling Dauntless guards just behind it.
Prongs commands that they all follow them and starts walking, which the group does. They bring the group to the gate, larger than Regulus would’ve expected. He vaguely remembers hearing about the Erudite field trip that several of the kids his age went on with their families when they were younger and picked the tomatoes and crops. Practically every Erudite in his classes was talking about it for days.
Regulus wasn’t allowed to go.
He wonders if Pandora was. If they would realise that he wasn’t there.
Then he recalls that they wouldn’t recognise him even if he was.
Prongs clears their throat and breaks his train of thought. They explain how the last five in the final rankings will likely end up here and it’s unlikely that they’ll leave, “You can sometimes make it back front he fence, but for the most part, those that start guarding out here when they’re young, will stay there until they can’t guard anymore.” Regulus can’t help but wonder what happens to the older Dauntless members, what will happen to them when they can no longer do the crazy stunts of Dauntless life. “Most of them say that it isn’t that bad.” Because that’s reassuring.
“What rank did you get that let you stay?” Mulciber says in his annoying, snotty voice.
Prongs levels him with a calm look, their chin raised enough that they’re looking down their nose at him, “First.” Regulus is just glad they seem to dislike the idiot as much as Regulus himself does.
Avery twists his nose, “And you chose to train us? You could’ve gotten a government job.”
Their lips turn to a sneer, “I didn’t want to be a part of the government.” They shake their head slightly and clear their throat to calm down.
Regulus, unlike Avery, decides that Prongs fits in the training room. They’re naturally comfortable with the weapons and fighting techniques that they’ve chosen. He thinks they work with the computers or electronics in the Dauntless compound and that doesn’t make sense. They were made to be seen with their tan skin and well-built physique and kind eyes, they were meant to be heard with their honey voice, not hidden away in a dark room full of computers.
He tries not to think about the fact that he’s likely not going to make it to job choosing.
Then how his brother might’ve not made it and could be out there struggling with the rest of the factionless. Or dead.
A truck pulls up to the gate from the otherside of them, and several nearby Dauntless guards pull it open to let them in. The driver, a kind looking woman with a smile on her face, stalls the truck and hops out to talk with the guard. However, Regulus is distracted by one of the women sitting in the back of the car. She has pale brown hair that cascades in gentle waves around her yellow dress. She’s leaning against a man with blonde hair who’s holding a banjo. There’s a little girl leaning into his other side, her hair matching the woman’s.
Regulus tries not to let tears well up in his eyes at the sight of her.
She looks up, her solid brown eyes meeting Regulus’ and her face lights up. She gets up and hops from the truck, “Reg-”
“Regulus.” He cuts off, correcting her before she can get out the name he used to go by. She seems surprised for a moment before she nods. It seems like she wants to hug him, but stops herself.
She remembers what it was like.
Regulus hums, “How are you Andy?”
She grins at him, though it falls as she looks over him, “I’m fine. What happened to you?”
“Dauntless initiation. Is that your husband?” He gestures to the blonde man that’s still playing. He thinks he vaguely remembers him from when Andromeda left their family -- the first to leave, but not the last, that was Regulus. He was Amity born.
She nods, “And my daughter. Ted and Nymphadora.”
Regulus hums, “It’s good to see you doing well.”
“It’s good to see you…” her eyes grow foggy, as if she’s recalling the abuse that they collectively went through. Then she shakes her head, meeting his gaze, “It’s good to see you standing taller.” She doesn’t question his leaving, she doesn’t try to convince him to go back to Erudite. He doesn’t try with her either.
It’s just good to have some closure regarding the two members of his family that he lost to other factions.
If only he could learn about Sirius.
Speaking of the man, “How is your brother?”
Regulus shakes his head, “I don’t know.” He doesn’t have to say anything else. She understands. It’s likely she knew that he transferred as well.
She nods, touches his shoulder with a smile, then says goodbye to him before getting back into the truck. The man changes songs as the truck kicks back into gear, beginning to rattle down the broken road.
Prongs stalks over to him after the truck is far enough away, breaking their conversation with a guard to sigh in his direction, “Of all people, I didn’t think I’d have any issues with you out here.”
“What does that mean?” Regulus spits, all the joy of seeing his cousin leave him quicker than it filled him.
They shake their head, their eyes landing on the bruises marring Regulus’ eye. They sigh again, “If you’d just use your speed a little better.”
And that gets acid boiling under Regulus’ skin, “How would you know that I wasn’t using my speed. You fucking left halfway through.” James shakes their head but doesn’t say anything else. Instead, they just gather the attention from everyone once more, says a few things, lets them talk to some of the nearby guards, then takes them to get back on the train.
When they get back on the train, Pandora leans over to him, “Is Regulus not your real name? You had to correct the girl.”
Regulus hums, “No, it’s not.”
“Why don’t you go by your real name?”
“It could be something like me, where I chose to go by just a nickname,” Xeno adds, “My real name is Xenophilius, which is a mouthful.”
“Xenophilius?” Dorcas cackles.
But Pandora’s attention is concretely on Regulus. So he swallows, “I just… I don’t like my real name, so I’ve been introducing myself to people my age and those who aren’t, like, associated with my parents as Regulus. I started going by it after Andy left, so.”
“Why people that aren’t associated with your parents?” Dorcas asks, her eyes furrowed.
“My parents would throw a fit if they knew I went by another name, and it would come up too easily.” Regulus shrugs. He doesn’t want to go more in detail about it, and it seems like his friends pick up on that because they don’t push. If they’re confused by the wording or what he said, they don’t make it known.
Notes:
Go check out my tumblr!
Chapter Text
Regulus is fucking exhausted. He had another fight today, this time against Avery. And while Avery is normally stronger than him, he had gotten his shit rocked by Emmeline and seemed to struggle with his recovery more than Regulus -- the only good thing that came from years of abuse.
However, as Regulus is finally comfortable and ready to sleep, the door bursts open, making Regulus flinch hard and aggravate his wounds, both old and new. People with flashlights come storming into the room, screaming at them to get up.
Regulus, slow to process when he’s tired, is the last to start getting out of his bed, making Snape turn the flashlight to him, shining it into his eyes, “Didn’t you hear me, Erudite?” So Regulus finally stands up, taking in where his friends are. Xeno wears something similar to Regulus and Dorcas wears a nice, satin black slip to bed. Pandora is wearing a t-shirt that’s so long it covers the shorts that they wear. They don’t seem to care at their state of slight undress, glaring at Snape for interrupting their beauty sleep.
Snape informs them that they have five minutes then they need to be at the tracks, “We’re going on another field trip.” The initiates quickly go through the motions of getting their shoes on and throwing whatever warmer clothes they have easily available over their sleep clothes. Then Regulus, Dorcas, Pandora, and Xeno are sprinting through the hallways of the Dauntless compound past several drunk members, or ones that are just out late at night their their friends blow rancid-smelling smoke in each other’s faces, Regulus hates that there’s two different smoke he smells on his way past.
They join the Dauntless-born initiates as they’re leaving the compound and heading to the tracks. Snape is standing by a box near the tracks. As they approach, they finally register that it’s long guns with trigger guards. There’s also boxes of ammo, labeled ‘PAINTBALLS’ when Regulus picks up a gun and a couple boxes of ammo for himself. Snape tells everyone to grab a gun and those that haven’t rush forward, Regulus practically jumping out of the way as he straps the gun around his chest.
Prongs strolls up to Snape, standing next to him, though Regulus isn’t sure where they came from. The two of them exchange some words, but Regulus doesn’t get to hear it. The train illuminates the area and blinds Regulus shortly after they finish talking.
Prongs gets on the train first. Regulus starts running after, figuring that this is a good opportunity for him to prove to Mulciber and Avery that he doesn’t need help. Despite that, Prongs outstretches a hand, and Regulus is too weak to being assisted by pretty people that he relents. Prongs pulls him in without a struggle, which doesn’t do anything to Regulus’ heart or stomach.
They don’t help anyone else get in.
Soon enough, everyone else is in the train and Prongs is clearing their throat, “We’re playing capture the flag. Snape and I will choose teams that are split between both the transfers and the Dauntless-born initiates. One of us will get off first and hide our flag, then the other team will get off after.” They take a moment to look over everyone, “This is tradition, take it seriously.”
Someone that Regulus can’t see and doesn't care to turn around to look at shouts, “And if we win?”
“Bravery isn’t about prizes, initiate.” They hum without much thought, “You get to win.”
Snape sneers at them, but takes over, “Shall we start with the transfers?”
James nods, “You first.”
The greasy man gives James a malicious smile, “Mulciber.”
Prongs nods. They take a moment to lean back a bit, once again grabbing the handles and dangling out of the car just a bit, then look over all of the transfers. Finally, their eyes land on Regulus, “I want first jumper.”
Regulus is shocked, and it seems like everyone else in the car is. Mulciber makes a comment behind him, Regulus refuses to let his cheeks heat up.
“That eager to lose and blame it on someone else?” Snape says, his voice dripping in faux sympathy.
“If that’s how you want to view it.” They shrug, and Regulus seethes, “You pick.”
“Emmeline.”
“Pandora.” Regulus furrows his brows and makes eye contact with them. They seem just as confused at the choice.
“Dorcas.”
“Xeno.”
Snape hums, “You can take Avery, I’ll take Evan.”
Four rolls his eyes, “Then Avery’s with me.” Then they move onto the Dauntless-born initiates. Regulus doesn’t care to learn their names.
Instead he focuses on the plan. Prongs chose a weird selection of people, a mix of strong and weak but-
All fast.
They’re all quick, small, and easy to duck away from. Perhaps even easy to hide in the dark. Regulus grins at Prongs, but if they notice it, they don’t make it known.
They and Snape get into a miniature argument about who will get off first, eventually landing on Prongs’ team going first since they ‘lose anyways’. Prongs hums and gestures for their team to stand up, which they do. Pandora wishes Dorcas luck since she’s with the worst people -- Snape, Mulciber, and Emmeline -- but Regulus knows that she can take it.
The time to jump from the train comes and Regulus gets shoved just before he jumps, though he recovers and tries once again. He manages to land properly and without much pain this time, pride coursing through him.
One of the Dauntless-borns start attempting to pressure Prongs into telling the group where they hid the flag when their team won but they keep refusing. He even goes so far as to buddy up with them, throwing his arm around their shoulders and leaning his weight into them. Prongs shoves him off, though they don’t seem all too upset.
“‘Melia was telling me that her sister was on Prongs’ team and they hid it in Navy Pier.” One of the other Dauntless-born says.
“Well let’s go there.” Xeno shrugs.
The original guy, Regulus thinks Prongs was calling him Barty, sneers, “But if Amelia is on the other team, she would know that we would think to put it there.”
“Or,” the second Dauntless-born that spoke up says, “She’ll think that we’re not that stupid and figure we put it somewhere else.”
Barty seems to weigh that option for a while before he finally nods, “I could see that. Let’s do it.” Then he and the other Dauntless-born take initiative and lead them all towards the pier. What was once water that Regulus has only seen in pictures in his textbooks is now a muddy marsh that people dare their friends to jump into but no one ever actually acts on it.
Regulus knows that they’re approaching Erudite territory, he knows the map of the town, and he grows increasingly uncomfortable at the idea of just how close he is to his family. He knows that they can’t hurt him out here, not more than he’s been hurt in training anytime recently, but he still finds his back straightening impossibly more at the thought. Pandora seems to stare in the direction of the Erudite compound almost longingly. He almost feels bad for them, remembering that they had a good family and a good life in their old faction.
Barty and the other Dauntless-born start teasing each other about being scared of the dark and jumping into the marsh while they cross the bridge. It makes Regulus realise that part of their training is being able to function even when everything is against them after Barty turns off the flashlight he originally turned on.
As they approach the pier, Pandora and Xeno have a conversation about the ferris wheel that Regulus doesn’t pay attention to, too focused on his proximity to the hellscape that is his family home. They make it to the carousel with creepy-looking, old horses and Prongs holds out the flag to be taken and put in a place they want. They explain that the group has ten minutes to think of a plan, dropping the advice, “We may not be Erudite, but mental preparedness is one aspect of your Dauntless training. Arguably, it’s the most important.” Before they start walking away.
Xeno takes the flag and starts laying out a plan, being immediately combated by Barty. The two get into an argument with the transfers taking Xeno’s side and the Dauntless-borns taking Barty’s. Prongs doesn’t seem interested -- to be fair, neither is Regulus, he’s tired -- instead they lay back to watch the stars.
They look relaxed and comfortable, as if relaxing with a gun on them is natural. Regulus hopes that they’re looking up at his star. He knows that they aren’t.
Regulus wishes he could see Sirius’ this time of year. He usually looks to his star for comfort, and he needs nothing but that right now.
Regulus closes his eyes, shakes his head, and forces himself to focus on figuring out how to know where the others are.
Get height, Regulus could see a bunch of the town when he was in his room, on the top floor of their bigger-than-necessary house.
He uses the distraction of everyone’s arguing to sneak off silently towards the ferris wheel.
Regulus doesn’t feel nervous as he approaches it. It was built to carry weight, and a lot of it from what he’s read, so he knows he’ll be safe climbing it. However, it’s his own climbing ability that may falter and bring him to his untimely demise.
The idea of it is vaguely thrilling, making Regulus speed up just a bit to get to it faster.
Perhaps he should question his vague craving for things that may kill him, like standing at the edge of the train car openings like James does or sitting near the chasm. Even back when he was younger, wondering what it would be like to fall out of his window or off the top of the Hub building.
Maybe it’s just the part of him that belongs in Dauntless. He’s not brave like Sirius because he can jump in the aim of a punch, but he’s brave because he enjoys living on the edge of life.
There’s a ladder near the side of the ferris wheel, built into it likely for repairs, with small rungs and not railings. It’s the best that he has, he decides, and he grabs at the ladder.
The metal is fucking cold against his touch, and the rust gives it a weird texture, but he figures that the rough of it will give him a better grip. Regulus fully stands on one of the rungs and jumps on it a bit to test that it will hold his weight. Regulus grabs for the next rung up, which is when he hears a quietly hissed, “Regulus.” He’s startled, but he doesn’t jump.
And when he looks back, it’s Prongs. They’re standing now, alert and with their eyes flickering around him and his position on the ladder. They’ve got their gun strapped across their back instead of in their hands like it was before. He hums, “Did you need something?”
“To know what exactly you think you're doing.” They say pointedly, crossing their arms and giving him a pointed look.
“Climbing.” He raises an eyebrow, knowing that they likely can’t see it.
He figures that they might, because they can see the amused smile that they give back. Then the amusement turns analytical as they look over him, seemingly taking in him and all of his information, “I’m coming with you.”
Regulus thrills under that look. It’s a different one than he’s ever been given before. They look at him like he’s not… he’s not strong, but James doesn’t look at him like he’s weak or small or needs help or pity. Not even Sirius has looked at him like this. They’re not doubting his abilities, he feels, but they’re… they’re wanting to know something about his mind.
He can also tell that they’re maybe playing with him.
Regulus can play back, “I can handle it myself.”
“I have no doubt about that.”
Regulus winks at them, then turns around and starts to climb. He makes it a few feet off the ground before the ladder vibrates a bit, and when Regulus looks down, he sees Prongs just a bit below him. Moving faster than he is. But Regulus won’t let Prongs gain on him, so he strains his body and bites back the pain to climb faster than he previously was.
“Why do you think we do this?” Prongs asks quietly into the night. Their normal voice is much… gentler, smoother when spoken in a low tone, “What do you think this exercise is for?”
There’s a platform. That’s where Regulus is meant to be.
He focuses on Prongs’ question, grabbing the next rung, “Strategy. You said yourself that mental preparedness was important, and strategy is part of that. Being able to change plans on the fly and knowing how to make an effective plan quickly.” His voice is quiet as well, taken away partially by the wind that increases with their height. He can’t feel his hands.
A deep breath, and he resolutely does not look down at Prongs, “Teamwork as well. Knowing how to work with other people, cooperation and learn compromise. The whole fight before shows that we don’t quite know how to do that yet.”
Prongs hums. They’re quiet for a while, but Regulus is confident in what he’s saying. Neither of them talk for a while, and Regulus pulls himself closer to the ladder so he’s not moved by the wind as much. The top of the carousel is much smaller up here than it was when they were on the ground.
Finally Prongs speaks, a bit louder than before as the wind whips past them, “It was. Not as much anymore.”
Once again, they’re quiet. Regulus takes in the thrill of being so high up, takes in the way his whole body shakes with the cold, with the exertion, with the idea of danger.
It’s likely that Prongs adds to that equation. He feels like he’s on fire when they’re around, when they get close to him.
He feels the same feeling they got when they corrected him while they were learning how to fight. Alive. Electric. Thrilled.
The sky goes dark as a cloud covers the moon, but Regulus reaches blindly for the next rung.
There’s heavy breathing breaking through the sound of the whipping wind, and it takes a minute before Regulus realises that it’s not his breath. It’s Prongs.
“Tired, Prongs?”
They laugh breathlessly, shakily.
“No, I-” they take a deep breath, “You’re not scared being this high up?” Regulus takes a moment to pause, looking at just how far away the ground is. His heart soars.
The wind whips at them, and Regulus pushes himself closer to the ladder at a particularly hard gust that sends him off kilter. He moves to the side, but not too far due to his proximity and a hand shooting up to press against his hip. They squeeze, push him slightly so he’s straightened again, and let go.
Prongs is scared of heights.
The realisation dawns on him, rocks his core. He assumed that they just didn’t have fears.
Least of all heights, especially since they tend to lean out of the trains.
Then the other realisations. A rock in Regulus’ stomach. He misses a rung, but recovers quickly.
Because Prongs is scared of heights, and still removed some of their own stability to make sure that he was safe.
He has a feeling that it’s not because they’re his mentor.
Regulus feels his breathing start to match Prongs’, but not for the same reason. He’s sure their hand has left a permanent mark on his skin, more prominent than the bruises -- it doesn’t matter how light their touch is, it burns so deliciously into his skin.
“Good?”
Regulus clears their throat, “Yeah.” He doesn’t thank them. He knows they don’t expect him to.
They finally reach the platform. There was once a railing, but not anymore. There hasn’t been one for a long time.
Regulus needs a second for his limbs. He sits down and moves so his legs are dangling over the edge -- how he loves this feeling -- and Prongs joins him a moment later. Though they don’t sit, they crouch down and lean against the metal poles that are still standing from where the railings once were.
“How does the Dauntless compound affect your fear?”
Prongs hums, they stare at his face and resolutely anywhere but how high they are, “I ignore it. Pretend that it doesn’t exist when I need to do something high up.”
It reminds Regulus of his tester back when they were doing the simulations. A kind woman with warm eyes and honey skin. There was a tattoo on her collarbone that was just visible past her gentle Abnegation clothes. And Regulus is curious, but he didn’t want to ask it. The woman, however, noticed his gaze, “I don’t talk about it, because talking about things like this is selfish, but I’m from Dauntless. One of my biggest fears was losing my family. I got this to remind me of the family that I had before I left. Two for my parents, then I got married and snuck away and got one for my husband and one for my child. I’ll always have them with me now.”
She was in Abnegation, selfless and constantly worrying about others before herself. He knew how Abnegation functioned. But she was also Dauntless, and Regulus understands now.
It’s best to work with your fear and understand it rather than let it control your life. She got a tattoo to represent her family so it was always with her. She worked with her fear.
So does Prongs.
That’s bravery. It doesn’t matter what Snape is trying to teach them and the arguments that he’s been having with Prongs the entire training process, James knows what bravery is. And whatever Snape seems to think it is is wrong.
Regulus is staring, but he finds that he doesn’t mind. Prongs sends him a questioning look, because they’re staring back. Regulus shakes his head and turns to the city.
It’s pretty out here. There aren’t many lights on nearby, it’s getting too close to the lights out requirement. But those that are still on are… They stand out starkly against the dark of the night and Regulus finds that he admires it as much as the stars. A building obscures the rest of his vision.
Regulus sighs and stands up, he needs to get higher.
Unfortunately, the rest of the way up is scaffolding.
He takes a minute to look over it before reaching up to grab at the bar above them, beginning to pull himself up, ignoring the pain that sings through his body and makes his hand shake. He shoves his foot into a section where the bars cross, getting himself secure and comfortable with the motion.
“Damnit Regulus.” Prongs hisses.
Regulus hums, “You don’t have to follow. You can just stay on the platform.” He grabs another bar above him, moving up once more and stabilising himself.
He can feel his heartbeat in his hands. The beating of his blood pulsing against the bar through his palms.
It’s a weird sensation.
The scaffolding moves a bit, and when Regulus looks down, Prongs is grabbing onto the bar Regulus just left below him. They’re scared of heights, and yet there’s something else compelling them to push past their fear and follow him. Surprisingly, he doesn’t think it’s because they pity him. Regulus pushes faster, and he feels weightless. His chest lightens and heat soars through him, combating the cold of the wind and the metal bars.
There’s nothing around him but darkness, the scaffolding of the ferris wheel, and Prongs. If he falls now…
The idea thrills him just as the chasm did when he first discovered it.
Regulus takes a deep breath and grabs at the next bar, wedging his foot.
He grabs two more bars up and he’s able to see past the building. The Hub is lit up with red lights on the top, some of the only lights that are allowed to be on at night. They blink quickly, but not nearly matching the pounding of Regulus’ heart in his chest. The streets are barely visible and it’s all mostly dark.
At first, Regulus assumes that he’s not going to be able to see anything. That he climbed up here for nothing.
Then there’s flashing lights. There in the distance.
Prongs has made it up to the same foothold as Regulus by the time that he sees it. Their chest presses lightly into his back, flushing it with their body heat. Their breath brushes past his ears and onto his shoulder. His heartbeat speeds up and he really feels like he can’t breathe, but it has nothing to do with the height.
Regulus takes a deep breath to focus, bringing one hand from the bar he’s holding onto -- if he leans his weight into Prongs to ‘steady himself’ further since he only has three points of contact -- to gesture to the blinking lights, “Does that look like moving lights? Like a group of people walking through the trees?”
Prongs hums, leaning forward so their faces are nearly next to each other. Regulus makes out a smile on their face in his periphery, “Damn. You’d be correct. They’re over at the park.”
Regulus nods, finally turning to see them fully. They’ve got a scar raising the skin across the corner of their brow. They turn to look back, grinning at him.
They stare at each other for a long moment, taking in the other’s features. Then Regulus clears his throat, “We should get down. They’re going to notice we’re gone and we should start figuring out our next moves before the other team gets the chance to advance on us.” Prongs nods but they don’t immediately move, so he prompts, “You start heading down first. I’ll be just behind you.”
However, luck is not on their side. Because as Prongs starts to crawl down, the entire ferris wheel starts to just move.
It starts with a small jolt, but then as Regulus and Prongs are beginning to recover, the ferris wheel jolts again until it’s in motion, creaking and shaking.
Prongs immediately re-establishes themself where they were before, pulling themself back up to their previous place with him. They press themself forward into Regulus, and their breathing has sped up enough that Regulus is genuinely concerned that they’re going to pass out.
So he takes a deep breath and brings himself lean more into the supports, letting Prongs use him, “It’s okay, Prongs. We need to be ready to jump off when we get to the bottom. Do you have any ideas on how to do that?”
Prongs takes a couple shaky breaths that Regulus assumes is supposed to be one long, deep one, “Yeah, I… If the two of us get down at the same time we’ll be crushed but…”
Regulus hums, having to nearly shout with the wind that’s gotten even worse with their increasing speed, “I can climb down one. I’ll get off just before you and get out of the way.” Prongs seems reluctant about it, but they seem to decide they have no other choice. So Regulus nods, determined.
He slips from where they’re pressed against him, slowly reaching down to grab the bar he used before. And with that, he allows himself to dangle from just the bar, his feet free in the air. Prongs does the same a moment later, and Regulus wonders how they’re even managing to function at this point -- just a show of their pure bravery, Regulus can’t help but admire it.
He watches the rapidly approaching ground, a dark sea getting larger and larger.
This timing has to be perfect.
Regulus can make out the cracks in the ground. He lets go of the bar and allows himself to crumple to the ground to absorb the shock of the fall. Then he rolls out of the way. Prongs’ feet brush his shoulder as he moves, but they crash just as he did. They push onto their stomach and move just as the car to the ferris wheel comes down.
They both take a minute to process what just happened before Prongs pushes themself up, standing, taking a couple deep breaths, and reaching out to help Regulus. He takes their hand, wincing in pain at their wounds from the whole event -- he’s going to feel like death in the morning.
As he’s standing, what momentum the ferris wheel had from them being on it comes to a slow stop.
Regulus’ fingers fucking hurt from how hard he’s been grabbing the cold metal bars. They’re finally getting feeling back and that feeling is horrible.
Somehow, Prongs’ hand is warm in theirs despite holding onto the same bars as him. Prongs, despite what either of them should probably do, pulls him into their chest.
Regulus doesn’t hug people. That’s not a part of him, that’s not how he was raised. The last time that he hugged someone was Sirius when he was eleven. And they don’t hug in the Dauntless compound. That’s an Amity thing, and likely only an Amity thing.
But Regulus figures that they both need it. So he reluctantly wraps his arms around their waist, feeling weirdly comfortable in their enveloping warmth -- he realises that Prongs has touched his hands several times in this situation and he hasn’t minded. He’s normally so repellent to touch, especially skin-on-skin touch, but…
There’s something about Prongs.
Regulus doesn’t let himself unpack it. Instead, he sways into Prongs’ space and closes his eyes. He feels their heartbeat and their breathing slow down from a panic, to something more normal. He finds himself matching their breathing.
Then Prongs breaks out into a laugh. It’s contagious and Regulus finds himself silently laughing along.
Their shoulders bounce when they laugh and Regulus is enraptured by it.
But then they take a breath to compose themself, then they move away from him. The two are only allowed a moment, but then they have to keep going. They gently move their hands so they’re holding onto one of his arms over his sleeves and gently guides him towards the carousel.
Pandora is waiting for them, perched on one of the horses when they get back. The flag is settled behind here and there are a couple other Dauntless-borns lounging around. Prongs makes it to the carousel first, “Where did everyone else go?” There’s an edge to their voice, not tense like normal but… thrilled? Excited?
Regulus feels the same.
One of the Dauntless-borns ignore them, standing up, “Did you guys fucking turn on the ferris wheel? We were just talking about how Amelia wouldn’t think we’d be stupid enough to hide our flag here and then you practically send out a beacon saying ‘Hey! We’re that stupid!’”
Prongs sighs, “We didn’t turn on the ferris wheel it just- it just started working. It doesn’t matter anyways, we know where they are.”
Pandora hums, standing up as well, “We?”
Regulus nods, “While you guys were wasting time arguing, I climbed the ferris wheel and found where they’re hiding their flag.”
“Then what do we do?” Someone asks. Everyone turns to look at Regulus.
He can do this. He can make a plan quickly. He used to be Erudite…
Regulus breathes and, on the exhale, begins describing a plan. Everyone agrees and Pandora, Barty, and Regulus become the team that will grab the flag while Prongs goes with the others.
Regulus, Pandora, and Barty have to traverse the forest quietly, watching their step and not saying anything as they get closer to the park. But Regulus takes the time to observe Barty. He remembers him from when they all jumped and he thinks that he’s seen the taller around the compound while they’re eating. He’s tall, lanky, with tattoos already beginning to crawl up his arms and a small snake tattoo just behind his ear, the tail curling around the lobe which is highlighted with two black-gemmed earrings. His hair is brown and mussed, interspersed with green highlights.
It’s an interesting look.
Pandora begins running before Regulus gets to take in any more information about his appearance, and the two guys begin running after them. Regulus moves his gun from his back to a comfortable hold, his finger resting gently on the trigger.
They reach the park and clamp their hands over their mouths to muffle their heavy breathing, crouching low while they walk and watching every step to remain as undetected as possible. Regulus points in the direction of the other team’s flag and Pandora and Barty nod. Pandora leads them.
Not far from them, there’s a cacophony of sound and the puff of air as paintballs are shot meaning that their team has attacked and the flag is mostly unguarded. Barty shoots a girl with brown hair in the thigh, the last person near the flag and the three of them rush forward.
There’s only one flag, the realisation dawns on Regulus. It doesn’t matter that he figured out its location, its whoever gets the flag that will matter. It’s whoever ends up faster and-
All three of them are jumping for the flag where it hangs above a branch. Pandora shoots him a look, “Come on, Regulus. You’ve already made a name for yourself, let me make one myself. And you can’t reach it.” They pluck it off of the branch.
Regulus has never known Pandora to be cruel. He’s aware that he hasn’t known them well for long, but they’ve always been the type of person to walk around with a smile and be kind to everyone. But there’s something in the look that they sent his way that makes him realise that they have a scarier side to them, and he doesn’t want to be on it.
So he moves away, shaking, and lets them take it. Barty shouts in pride at them, then claps Regulus on the shoulder and gives him a wild grin. The rest of the teammates crowd around Pandora, pulling them this way and that -- a part of Regulus is grateful that he doesn’t have the flag in hand, he’d rather die than be that crowded.
A hand touches his shoulder, just lightly and falls off a moment later. Regulus turns.
Prongs smiles gently at him, tilting their head and whispering, “Amazing job.” Regulus smiles back, something small and hardly noticeable. But he thinks that Prongs sees it.
Xeno’s whining about missing the whole thing, Pandora jokingly reassuring him and patting him on the back when they get back on the train. Everyone’s hair is wind whipped and there’s a variety of -- mostly -- positive emotions on everyone’s faces. Dorcas complains to them about being on the other team, the bullshit of the people that she had to put up with while on the other team than her friends.
Regulus isn’t paying attention. He glances over to Emmeline, Mulciber, and Avery who are staring maliciously at Pandora -- suddenly, Regulus is even more grateful that he’s not the one holding the flag, well- Xeno’s holding the flag right now but…
First jumper may be an interesting title, but it’s nothing that puts a target on his back like the ‘one who grabbed the winning flag’ is.
Barty throws himself next to Regulus, throwing his arm around Regulus’ shoulder, “Ferris wheel climber.” He grins, nodding his head approvingly. Another man, dark skin and bleached hair like Pandora -- perhaps a few light spots dotting his skin -- but with striking grey eyes similar to Regulus’ rather than green comes to join them as well. The girl with brown hair that Barty shot earlier follows him, but doesn’t seem willing to say much right now.
“Fucking smart of you, “ The dark-skinned man says, reaching out his hands for a handshake, “Evan.” Regulus shakes it hesitantly. Regulus tries to introduce himself, but it seems that Evan knows him.
Because he’s the first jumper.
It’s been years since he jumped off a building. It’s been decades.
Barty grabs a paintball from his box, squeezing it as the train lurches and sends Barty’s body into Regulus’ own. Just then, the ball pops and squirts a foul-smelling pink directly onto Regulus’ face. Evan cackles, the laughter only getting more raucous as Regulus wipes paint off with his sleeve and runs the paint-covered sleeve over Barty’s own face.
Barty tries to get him again with the paint, but it misses and goes straight into his mouth, making him do a mix between gagging and coughing. Regulus finds himself laughing alongside Evan and the brown-haired girl as Barty moves onto scraping at his tongue in a desperate attempt to get the taste off.
Regulus is happy here. Laughing and smiling for the first time in a long time. And Regulus can only hope that Sirius found the same thing he’s finding here.
Notes:
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Chapter 5: The Secret Inside You
Notes:
I realise Snape is much crueler in this fic than most other times, but he’s in the place of Eric and Eric is a fucking dickbag so, here Snape is much worse.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
One of the many things Regulus isn’t sure he’s going to be able to handle for the rest of this fucking training? Getting up at the ass crack of dawn to get up and mentally prepare to experience physical torture.
They’re knife throwing today, as Prongs informs them once everyone has tiredly filled into the training room, gesturing to the table of knives. Snape is standing in the middle of the room, watching them carefully. There’s a dark air around him, and his glare seems to have more fire behind it, especially directed towards Prongs and those that were on their team last night.
His presence makes the air heavier.
Snape clears his throat as Prongs begins distributing the knives, his darker-than-usual voice echoing through the room, “Tomorrow is the last day of stage one. It’s your last fight. However, you’re learning how to aim, with knives. Prongs said that it’s one of the many ways you can fight ranged. This is one of them.” He gestures, seemingly reluctantly, “Watch Prongs, he’ll demonstrate how to throw the knives then you’ll attempt it yourself.” There’s venom dripping from his voice as he refers to them.
Regulus doesn’t miss the ‘he’.
He focuses down on the knives in his hands. They’re heavy, nowhere near the gun’s weight, but almost as dangerous.
“Get to your fucking places.” Snape hisses, his voice practically ringing in their ears. The initiates scramble to stand in front of the targets, one person per target.
“Bad mood.” Pandora mutters while they’re walking over.
“Is he ever in a good mood?” Regulus sighs. But he understands. It wouldn’t take an idiot to understand why he’s as angry as he is this morning, the loss of the previous night weighing on him -- and to the person he’s seemingly lost to his entire time here… Especially something like this, such a tradition of pride. Of course he’s beyond pissed.
Prongs walks up to the last target in the middle of them all, walking them through the positioning of their stance then the different ways of throwing the knife -- holding the tip of the double-sharpened blade or holding just the end of the base -- with a pinched hand, the best way to aim. Then they throw the knife.
It’s not nearly as loud as the resounding sound of the gun firing, but there is a solid thunk as the tip of the knife meets the wood of the target, dead center. Then they gesture for the initiates to start trying.
Regulus, just as he did with the guns, takes his time. He finds a comfortable stance, a comfortable foot to step forward on as well as a good distance for that step to be. He brings his arm up and follows the motion of it with his step several times. Then he retreats, bouncing the knife in his hand and mentally weighing. He moves so his fingers pinch the edge of the knife’s base and he goes through the motion of throwing it and finding where he would comfortably release it then he moves to holding the tip of the blade, doing the same procedure.
Snape paces throughout the entire practice, and Regulus can feel his stare beat into his back everytime the man passes him. Around him, everyone is throwing their own knives. Not successfully for most of them.
“Hey smartass,” Mulciber calls to him, seemingly also upset at the previous loss, “Remember what a knife is?”
Regulus sighs and tunes him out. He closes his eyes and goes through the motion again, deciding that he’s most comfortable holding the blade of the knife. He brings the world to himself and his connection to the ground and the knife, feels the blood in his body and his arm. He doesn’t feel Snape’s pacing, he doesn’t hear the knives hitting the board then clattering to the ground.
He takes another deep breath, opens his eyes, resets his posture. Then he focuses directly on the target, inhales, takes a step forward with his arm coming down, and releases the knife on the exhale.
The knife hits the target, embedded just barely in the tip and the side of the blade. It sits for a second, then it falls.
But he’s still the first to have a knife stick in a target, even if for a moment. Regulus resets his posture, raises his chin, and turns to Mulciber, “Remember what a target is, Mulciber?”
The words are accentuated by Dorcas’ knife hitting the edge of her target and sticking. She laughs triumphantly.
Regulus’ knives stick nearly every time, and all of them hit. Eventually, almost everyone has had a knife stick in the board.
All but Xeno’s. Who’s hit the target several times but have hit at just awkward enough angles that they haven’t been able to embed into the wood. And Snape is testy, so when Xeno misses yet another throw, he storms over to him and looms over his shoulder, putting his face right next to Xeno’s, “Are you slow, Amity? Do you need the target to be closer?”
Xeno takes another breath and rears back to throw another knife. It thunks into the wood, but clatters to the ground once again. Snape licks his teeth and clicks his tongue, “Go fucking get it.”
The slimy greaseball. Regulus is going to fucking kill him.
Prongs looks the same, but only in the way that their jaw sets.
The initiates, at least everyone but Mulciber and Avery, stop throwing the knives. Snape tells them to keep going, so the knife throwing reluctantly picks up. Regulus knows that Pandora and Dorcas would never normally, but there’s a look in Snape’s eyes. There’s a quiet anger in his voice.
It’s fucking terrifying, and everyone feels it.
Xeno looks at Snape, eyes wide, “Get it while everyone is throwing?”
“That’s what I said.”
“I don’t want to get hit.”
“It seems,” Snape straightens just a bit, “that your peers have a better aim than you do, yeah?” He jerks his chin in the direction of the target, “Go get your knives.”
Xeno sets his jaw, meets Snape’s eyes, and shakes his head, “I’m not going to get it.”
“Are you afraid? Are you a coward?”
Xeno doesn’t say anything. He knows that nothing he can say in this situation will make it any better.
Snape straightens all the way, crossing his arms behind his back and backing away, “Everyone stop what you’re doing!” Everyone stops throwing. The training room becomes quiet enough that you could hear a pin drop. Snape calls for everyone to clear away.
Regulus drops the knife he’s still holding, then robotically follows the others to the edge of the room.
Snape sneers at Xeno, “Go stand in front of your target.” Xeno doesn’t break eye contact with him. He walks to the target. Snape turns to Prongs, “Do me a favour?”
Prongs sighs and pushes from where they were leaning against the wall. There are dark circles on that tan skin of theirs and their shoulders are more slumped than they were when they first pulled Regulus from the net. They’re tired too.
Snape turns back to Xeno, “You’re going to stand against the target while Prongs throws knives at you. You’ll learn not to be fucking scared of the knives you’re throwing.
“Do we need to do this?” Prongs says, sounding bored. Regulus doesn’t think they’re bored. Not with the way that their jaw is set and there’s a passion in their eyes. They’re challenging Snape.
The normally composed, at least when talking to Snape, is fucking challenging him. The air in the room makes Regulus feel like he can’t breathe, and it’s getting too hot.
Snape meets Prongs’ gaze and the two stare at each other for a while. Snape then clears his throat, “I”m in charge. I speak over you. What I deem is necessary becomes fucking necessary, Prongs.” A vein in Prongs’ neck pops out just a bit. Their fists clench around the knives, making their knuckles begin to lighten.
Xeno is shaking. His eyes are wide, but he seems to be taking deep breaths as if to compose himself into some semblance of calm.
Regulus hisses, “Stop.”
Prongs and Snape turn to him. Prongs gives him a warning look, moving to grab one of the knives in their right hand and roll it over their knuckles. Regulus knows that he’s being stupid, knows that he’s going to regret speaking out. But he can’t let this happen to Xeno.
So he clears his throat, straightens his back and squares his shoulders, “Any coward can stand in front of a target. It doesn’t prove anything except that you’re bullying us. Which, as I recall, is a sign of cowardice.”
Snape takes a large step towards him, “Then it should be a breeze for you to stand in front of the target, Erudite.”
Regulus pushes past the warning bells and flashing red lights blaring through his head. Despite that, he tilts his chin up to look down his nose at him. He doesn’t deign Snape with a response.
Regulus pushes from the wall and strides towards the target Xeno is standing against. Xeno mouths a thank you and moves from the target, rushing towards the wall. He takes up Pandora’s hands and the two huddle into each other. Regulus moves to stand where he was, back flush against the rough wood of the target and dead center of it. The targets are much larger here than they were when he was throwing the knives at them. His head barely pushes past the second ring from the target.
He swallows and meets Prong’s gaze.
After last night, with the warm hand on his waist, he knows that they won’t hurt him.
They have a steady hand, the same hand that helped him stand up after they both dropped from the ferris wheel.
Prongs clears their throat and moves to where they need to be in front of the target, raising the knife they were rolling over their knuckles, “You flinch, and Xeno takes your place again.”
The words strike something into him.
”You scream, and your brother takes your place.”
She sneers, rearing her nailed hand back.
It was the day before Sirius’ Choosing Ceremony. Their parents have been hounding him about the results of the Aptitude Test that he took that day. And Sirius, unwisely, continues to refuse with the excuse that they’re not supposed to disclose any information about it, even to his parents.
Regulus hears the first slap before he registers it happening. Then Sirius cries out.
So Regulus stood up and he put himself in his brother’s place.
It didn’t work. He screamed and Sirius took his place again. Regulus was locked out of the room, all he could do was lean against the door and hear the sobs and screams of his older brother.
Regulus won’t flinch.
He won’t let another person get hurt because of his cowardice.
He nods.
Prongs meets Regulus’ eyes and watches them while they lift their hand.
Regulus still has the bruises he helped his brother cover burned into his memories.
They pull their elbow back.
It was one of the first times that their parents let the wounds go to any visible place.
A deep breath and the knife is released.
Sirius’ eyes in his own as he put his hand over the Dauntless bowl.
The knife thuds into the board half a foot from Regulus’ cheek. The sound startles him.
Regulus nodding gently to him as the blood sizzled on the coals.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
Sirius mouthing an apology as he went to go stand with the Dauntless.
“Are you done, yet?” Prongs pushes.
Regulus knowing that his brother will be safer there.
He’s starting to question that fact. But Xeno’s wide eyes and shaking hand flashes through his mind. His face overlaps Sirius’ from that night.
Regulus raises his chin, “Never.”
“Eyes open.” Regulus opens his eyes, Prongs is tapping the bridge of their nose between their eyes with the tip of their knife when he finally is able to see them.
Once again, Regulus makes eye contact with them. Meeting their warm brown eyes. Prongs readjusts their hold on the knife again, throwing the target before Regulus even knows what’s happening.
It hits the board just above Regulus’ head. He doesn’t flinch.
Prongs says something else to goad him to step away. Regulus doesn’t hear it, he just focuses on his breathing and their eyes. He tells them to shut up.
They move their last knife from left to right and get into position.
The knife leaves their hand.
There’s a piercing pain in Regulus’ ear. Just a sting as his ear grows wet.
Regulus doesn’t flinch, but he reaches up after a pause to touch his ear. The knife nicked it.
He’s sure Prongs did it on purpose.
Snape seems proud and Regulus wants to vomit at his expression, “As much as I would love to put each of you in front of that board and put on such a wonderful show like Regulus just did, I think that’s more than enough for today.” He strides over and rests a hand on the shorter’s shoulder, squeezing it.
Regulus is adverse to touch enough. It’s gotten better with Pandora, Dorcas, Xeno, and even James. But this makes him want to recoil and scream. Making Snape proud is like making his parents proud.
Snape grins down at him, “You’re turning out to be more than I thought you were.” Regulus feels cold. He feels like all of the blood has left his body through the cut in his ear.
DIVERGENT
The word is written on his body, tattooed on his forehead, falling from his lips.
Then Snape lifts his hand, nods resolutely at him, and strides off.
Several people have already left by now.
Xeno is the last initiate to leave the room. He smiles at Regulus, thankful, before turning and following Pandora out of the room.
It’s just Prongs and Regulus now.
Prongs begins cleaning up the knives, picking them up from the floor where everyone dropped them. Regulus realises just now that it’s Prongs that has to clean up after them. It’s likely them that has to move away the blood-stained dirt from the pit in the fighting room. It’s them that has to set up the targets and straighten the guns and the knives.
“How is yo-”
Regulus snaps, “You did that on purpose!”
Prongs stops what they were doing, half-crouched on the ground. They watch him for a minute, “I did. You should thank me for helping you.”
“Helping me? You fucking stabbed my ear and you were taunting me the entire time. What reason do I have to help you?”
Prongs doesn’t say anything. They glare at him and shake their head. Despite the look, they’re thoughtful, calculating. There’s a shine of nearly golden flecks in the brown of their eyes.
“You’re a sadistic fuck.” Regulus hisses, walking across the training room towards the door.
They don’t yell, they don’t get angry. They just continue picking up the fallen knives, “I’m not sadistic.” They cross the room to the table, setting down the knives they have in their hands, sorting them into groups of three. This calmness scares Regulus. He knows how to handle explosive and loud anger. But this?
This is uncharted territory.
The metal of the blades scratch against the table in just a gentle schink as they move them, “If I wanted to hurt you, don’t you think I would’ve already?”
There are no knives left on the ground.
Prongs passes him and leaves the room.
The knives Prongs threw at Regulus remain in the target.
Regulus wants to scream.
He walks back to the target, grabbing the knives and pulling them from the target with a blood-stained hand.
There’s red on the one that nicked his ear.
Regulus drops the knives on the table and leaves.
…
The last day of the fights.
Regulus breathes a sigh, only slightly pained and sore at this point as he stumbles into the room where the fights have been taking place.
Earlier this morning he discovered that his clothes fit a bit tighter than they had previously. Curiously, he had checked to see what had happened, only to be met with muscles.
Regulus has always been lean and fast, but never particularly strong. He focused himself on speed. But there were muscles masked by bruises that are just beginning to yellow.
It had been weird, and Regulus had looked into himself at before finally forcing himself to put his clothes on, cringing at how tight they were. He’ll have to buy more clothes soon. Unfortunately, as Regulus was walking back into the dorm to grab another shirt since he couldn’t bear the feeling of the previous one, Mulciber, Emmeline, and Avery were in the room.
He had been able to escape from them as they pulled the shirt he was changing out from his shoulders, making sure his chest was hidden from them. He didn’t miss the jeering about how his body looked under the baggy clothes or layers that he usually wears.
Practically a child Emmeline had cackled at him.
Regulus tries to brush it off.
He needs to not let the words and snickers get to him.
He needs to focus on his fight today.
Everyone is in the room when Regulus gets in there, having taken a moment to calm himself down in the bathroom. Prongs is standing in front of the board, writing, while Snape stands several feet away from them. Regulus goes to sit down with Pandora, Dorcas, and Xeno.
“Where were you? You didn’t make it to breakfast.” Pandora asks him quietly when he’s settled.
“I- I took a shower and ran it a bit longer than I expected it to.”
Prongs gets down to writing Regulus’ name. He prays that they partner him with-
“What’s going on, Reg?” Xeno leans over, Pandora to look at him a bit closer, “You see tense.”
Prongs writes the last name and moves away.
Regulus’ name is accompanied by Emmeline.
It’s not Mulciber. Or Avery. But it’ll do.
Xeno and Dorcas, then Mulciber and Avery -- that’ll be an interesting fight -- then Regulus and Emmeline. He shakes his right hand just near his hip so as to not bring attention to the motion. He thinks Dorcas, sitting to his right, sees it anyway. But she doesn’t comment.
Xeno and Dorcas go down into the pit, talking about not going easy on each other and how they’re going to have fun with this -- what has being Dauntless done to them, making it so they find joy in joking about beating each other up.
Regulus doesn’t focus much on their fight, just focusing on how he’s going to beat Emmeline. Pandora, relatively strong, lost to her at first. She has a powerful punch, as noted by all of the other fights she did.
But she was on Snape’s team. Prongs didn’t pick her because they don’t think she’s fast enough. Regulus is.
Xeno falls to Dorcas in the pit down below. Snape shakes his head. Dorcas leans down and picks him up, helping him out of the pit.
Avery and Mulciber go down next. They’re more evenly matched, some of the stronger fighters in the group.
Regulus isn’t sure who’s going to win with this duo, but he doesn’t care to pay much attention to the ending of it. He’s focusing too hard on the ways that he’s going to use Emmeline’s weaknesses to his advantage -- her slowness, that she doesn’t move her feet when she fights, her brash actions because she doesn’t think through her punches -- to really pay much attention. He thinks Avery goes down.
But then he’s standing up and heading into the pit, Emmeline just in front of him.
The two of them face each other in the pit. Regulus gets into position and raises his hands, watching her. She’s grinning at him, her lips curling, “You’re so pale, Erudite. I can’t wait to make your skin darker.”
Regulus is going to fucking kill her.
Emmeline throws the first punch, but Regulus rushes forward out of her way and punches her stomach.
He moves out of her way again before she can recover.
Her grin has faded a bit.
Emmeline starts to run towards him, but Regulus keeps out of her way. She throws another punch, he blocks it with his forearm and it fucking hurts, but he grits his teeth and pushes on.
Emmeline growls lowly in her throat, and she tries to kick at Regulus but her balance is off when she starts at it. Regulus dodges the kick and surges forward, positioning so he can shove his elbow up into her face. She moves her head back, but there’s still the light crack of the bone of his elbow meeting the edge of her chin.
She uses his position to punch his side, and Regulus stumbles. But he takes a moment to focus on keeping upright, he can’t get knocked down.
He bounces around her while she tries to get punches in, watching for her weak spots. Where is she not guarding? Her face is well protected… but her ribs are exposed.
She punches again, Regulus ducks and manages to get a punch into her stomach once again. Emmeline lets out a ragged breath. He sweeps his feet from under her legs, and she thuds to the ground. Dirt and sand kicks up around her, but doesn’t notice as he goes to kick her in the side.
Emmeline curls into a ball. Regulus doesn’t care. He keeps kicking her.
He thinks with each kick of the venomous look and sentences dripping with sarcasm.
This kick lands on her face. Her nose begins bleeding.
Regulus rears back to kick her again, but arms grab around his shoulders and pull him back. He presses against a chest, breathing raggedly. He doesn’t look away from Emmeline, bleeding and curled on the ground. Blood trickles down her face and mixes with the dusty ground of the pit. It reminds Regulus of his own the day he passed out during the second fight. He finally gets to see it from another angle.
“You’ve won.” A voice says into his ear. It’s Prongs, “Stop.”
Regulus finally turns to look at them. They look alarmed, their eyes wide with shock.
“Let’s take a walk.” They say, putting a hand between his shoulderblades and guiding him out of the door in the pit.
Regulus feels conflicted.
Because he’s proud. He’s not guilty over what he did.
But then he realises that he’s turned into his mother just now. Beating and kicking and making everything worse needlessly. Not stopping even when they’re down and pleading.
Maybe he does feel guilty, but not because he won.
…
Regulus hid away in the dorms after the fight. Pandora brought him food, but didn’t comment on the earlier events of the day. He fell asleep quickly, thinking of how he needed new clothes.
And when he wakes up, it’s to Visiting Day.
Dread builds in his stomach. His parents aren’t coming, he knows that. But he’s going to have to explain that to his friends. Maybe they’ll accept if he tells them that they’re upset because he left, that they were expecting him to be Erudite.
He wonders, for only a moment, as he gets up and grabs some loose clothes to walk to the bathroom with, if Sirius will show up for him. If the older still considers him family or has even learned of him being in Dauntless.
It’s possible. Regulus saw the article that Rita released upon his leaving, SECOND BLACK CHILD LEAVES WALBURGA AND ORION BLACK FOR DAUNTLESS with the article entailing how Walburga was ‘heartbroken’ that her children would possibly betray them in the way that her niece did.
Regulus knows that it was done to release tension from them. To pretend like Regulus and Sirius are the bad ones and get any possible speculation of malpractice going on in the home off them. He nearly burned the article when he read his dead name on the paper. He could only hope, as he watched the paper go around the Dauntless compound, that no one realised that he was the second black child.
Sirius must’ve seen it. Or does he avoid anything that might have to do with their parents.
Or does he not care that Regulus is in Dauntless because Regulus has no doubt that he’ll take the ‘faction before blood’ mantra to heart.
Or does Sirius not know a way to find Regulus because he’s using those articles as kindling for his fires with the Factionless.
Or has Sirius not been here since something went wrong with one of the train jumps or the chasm.
Regulus finishes changing and goes back into the dorm to put his shoes on. There’s tension rolling off everyone, pulling their shoulders to their chins as if being held up by strings. Pandora, Dorcas, and Xeno don’t talk. They don’t smile. They don’t joke.
At least Regulus has the comfort of knowing not to look for his parents. Those three don’t know if their families will show up.
Regulus makes his bed, tight to the corners and sheets perfectly laying. It’s routine when thinking about his family. It’s how Kreacher, their personal servant, would make their beds.
Snape walks in, “Attention! Some of you will experience the miracle of being visited by your families, most of you will not. But I wish to give you some advice: don’t seem too attached, don’t spend too much time with them. It’ll make the idea of never seeing them again easier. Here, we focus on ‘faction before blood’ and being too attached to your family holds you back and makes you shameful.” And with that, he turns around and walks out of the room.
Everyone knows what he was trying to say. They’re Dauntless and they better fucking act like it.
Snape is waiting out of the door and he catches Regulus as he walks out, “I underestimated you, Erudite. With your impressive show the other day and your beating Emmeline… You’ve done well.” Then he turns and strides away.
Regulus feels his stomach roil. He feels the grease from Snape’s disgusting hands seep into his skin through his clothes where his hand was on his shoulder and suddenly he remembers why he’s repulsed by touch. Regulus must be doing something wrong if Snape is proud of him.
He thinks back to the capture the flag and the look that Pandora gave him and hopes that he’s not turning into Snape of all people.
Pandora and Xeno have left the classroom, walking together and laughing and talking. Dorcas is trailing a bit behind them, and Regulus goes to join her. They both seem to understand that they don’t want to interrupt whatever is going on between those two.
They get out into the Pit. It’s crawling with families that look a little odd to Regulus -- as used to seeing people with piercings and dyed hair and tattoos -- but he’s never seen them together as a family unit. He knows, in the back of his mind, Walburga and Orion would throw a fit if they saw a family like the ones that he’s seeing.
Two parents with dark hair and tattoos throughout their arms, one of them with a one in roman numerals near their eye, their spouse with a two in the same spot, and a Dauntless-born initiate with a three. Another child with bleached hair standing with a taller person with a copious amount of facial piercings and their parents with blue and purple hair.
Regulus pulls away from his friends, leaning against the wall of the Pit. He finds Emmeline and Avery standing together, seemingly looking around for a family that doesn’t appear to be here. Mulciber, however, is talking with his family nearby. His parents are tall and sleek-looking, with perfectly composed and freshly ironed black and white formal clothes.
He tears his eyes away from them, finding his friends. Xeno stands with a kind looking woman with his hair in a red, floor length dress. There’s a man, wearing both yellow and red in an outfit that Regulus isn’t fully sure he pulls off, clapping his hand on Xeno’s shoulder and smiling down at him while they talk. Even from here, Regulus can feel the warmth of their smiles and eyes.
Pandora stands just a couple feet away, standing with a tall woman with high cheekbones and black hair styled in the same way as Pandora’s. They’re talking calmly, yet their hands are flying in wild gesticulations.
Regulus doesn’t care to look for his parents. Or even Sirius. He knows they won’t be there.
They didn’t visit Sirius when he left.
For all that Regulus knows, his parents have already burned his face from the family tree portrait and he’s dead to them. For all he knows, they act like they never had any children at all.
For all he knows, Bellatrix and Narcissa are pretending that they’re the only ones that were born at the time. That there weren't five of them, just the two and they chose Erudite.
Dorcas calling for him pulls him from his thoughts, gesturing for him to join her and the two tall people she’s standing with wearing black and white. He reluctantly walks over, and she smiles at him kindly, “Regulus, these are my parents. Mum, dad, this is Regulus, one of my friends.” The two greet him calmly and formally -- regulus has always been wary of Candors, they’re always wildly formal and it makes Regulus uncomfortable having grown up with others that used formality as an excuse for posturing and gaining blackmail. And with how they can read you without you even saying anything.
It always feels like Regulus has everything on display and they’re going to use any information they pull from him against him at any moment.
The woman extends a hand to him, “Wonderful to meet you, Regulus.”
Regulus shakes his, “Likewise.”
Regulus luckily gets saved from the conversation when Pandora and Xeno call over to them. The two bring their families closer to Dorcas’ and take the time to introduce everyone together.
Pandora’s mum pulls Regulus away from the group when they’re not paying much attention, leaning down and whispering low in his ears, “Have you told them?”
Regulus refuses to let his discomfort show, “Told them what?”
“Anything about your family?” She pauses, then, “Pandora spends a lot of time in their head, I don’t think they’ve realised who you are. But the articles have been released recently.”
He sighs, “I haven’t. I find no reason to, I’m trying to leave my life from before behind.”
She nods, “And I understand that, but soon they’ll make the connection.”
“I know.” He breathes, “I’ll tell them when we finish initiation.”
The woman watches him for a while, calculating him in the same way that Pandora does and in a way that reminds him of pure Erudite conversations. Then she straightens, “If you think that’s best, I trust your judgement.” Then she leads him back to the group and enters the conversation easily.
Regulus doesn’t stay for long.
He excuses himself from the conversation by saying that he’s going to search for his own family, ignoring the pointed look that Pandora’s mum sends him.
He doesn’t search for his parents. He doesn’t search for Sirius.
Instead he turns and leaves the Pit, heading to the dorms.
Prongs is standing by the water fountain when he gets near it. They’re leaning against the wall, their head thrown back and resting on the wall as well, eyes closed.
Their eyes open and turn to Regulus when they hear him approaching, “What are you doing?”
“I could ask the same of you.”
Prongs gives him an amused smile, “I had to get away from all the people and the noise.” They jerk their chin towards him, “Your turn.”
Regulus shrugs with one shoulder, “My parents aren’t here. I’m not getting visited, I have no reason to sit and just watch everyone else when I could take in the silence of the dorms.”
They watch him for a while, just looking over his body and his face. Then they shrug, “I guess that makes sense.” And they lean back against the wall and closes their eyes again.
Regulus stands and watches them for a while, just watches their chest rise and fall with deep breaths that seem almost calming. Then he pushes forward and goes back to the dorm.
…
No one talks about the events of Visiting Day after everyone has left. After the last transfer parent has slowly made their way out of the dorm across the glass ceiling. They sit at dinner, talking about the rankings and not about their parents or their families who they’ve said goodbye to for the last time -- other than the Dauntless-borns.
Currently, Xeno is talking about his dog with Pandora, shocked that Pandora and Regulus weren’t allowed to have pets in Erudite because it was illogical.
Dorcas hums, only having been half paying attention to the conversation, shrugs, “I always wanted a dog, but the… the aptitude tests definitely changed it.”
Regulus feels cold at the words. He didn’t kill the dog like these three did. He kneeled and let the dog calm down and walk to him. He let his hands run gently over the dog’s fur. Then he tackled it and felt the teeth tear into his skin to save the little girl.
He takes a deep breath. They can’t know he’s Divergent.
Xeno heaves a breath, “Killing the dog was…” then he furrows his brows, “We all did that, right? I’m not the crazy one.”
Dorcas shakes her head, “No, that’s part of what gave us the Dauntless result.” Then she turns her gaze to Regulus, furrowing her brows, “You didn’t kill it.”
Regulus swallows and takes a deep breath. He steadies his hands and any other possible tell that she might pick up on, then he shakes his head, “I didn’t.”
“How did you get Dauntless, then?” Pandora pushes, looking at him curiously.
He hums, “I didn’t. I got Erudite. I told you, though that I wanted to get away and I had my own reasons for choosing Dauntless.”
They watch him for a while, reading his face in the same calculating look as their mum, then they shrug and move on. Regulus releases a gentle breath when everyone turns away and starts into another topic.
He didn’t lie. The woman that ran his test, a kind woman with the name Euphemia, hand entered the result to make it appear as though he was Erudite, because that’s what he should’ve been.
He’s not, though.
Divergent.
Notes:
I miss my throwing knives, but I’m not allowed to have them right now and wouldn’t have a place to throw them even if I did so I must suffer.
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Chapter 6: Break Out From Society
Notes:
Hey y'all, sorry it took so long to get this out. It was done, I just lost all motivation and didn't want to go through the effort of posting but we're back. Slower, but back.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The air is so oppressive still, but this time it’s not because of Visiting Day.
The rankings.
They all feel it. Pandora, Dorcas, Xeno, and Regulus finish their food and clean up then finally make their way up to the dorms in silence. Emmeline is already there in the dorm, Prongs leaning at the far wall with the blackboard leaning against their legs and turned towards them.
The instructor waits until Avery and Mulciber have finally made their way into the dorm room before properly standing up and clearing their throat, “Alright, after the first round of fights, you were given your first scoring. That’s what we’ve been basing you off of. The number of points that you were allotted or had taken away was based on your personal ranking or skill level and the skill level of the person that you either beat or lost to. You earn more points for beating someone of a higher skill level and for improving. You get nothing if you lose to someone of a lower skill level than you.”
They level the group with a chilling look, lingering on a couple of them, “I don’t reward preying on the weak. That’s cowardice.” They lean down to grab at the blackboard, “Instead, you lose points.” Emmeline makes a noise in the back of her throat.
Prongs clears their throat once again, “Stage two is weighted more heavily than one, that’s because it’s more closely related to overcoming cowardice than learning how to fight is. Similarly, stage three is weighted the heaviest. It’s extremely difficult to rank high in stage two or three if you rank low in either of the previous ones. You can do it, but you’ll have to put in significant amounts of work.” Regulus shifts at that, sure that he’s going to be ranking low.
Regulus finally manages to bring himself to look directly at James’ face, he’s shocked to find that they’re looking straight back at him.
Probably just drawn by his movements.
They turn around and finally put the blackboard up on a pin in the wall that Regulus hadn’t noticed before, moving to stand in the way of the writing, “The cuts will be announced tomorrow. We don’t care if you’re transfers or Dauntless-born, you’re going to be Dauntless nonetheless should you make it in. And those of you who are not, you’re factionless and now you’re neither your old faction or Dauntless.” Finally, they hum, “Here are your final ranks.” And with that, they move out of the way of the board, allowing everyone to see their names.
1. Mulciber
2. Dorcas
3. Xeno
4. Emmeline
5. Regulus
Regulus breathes, whether of relief or of dread at the idea that he’s fifth. He must’ve been somewhere near last since he had done so poorly previously, but beating Emmeline must’ve shot him up quite a bit.
He breathes and takes in the last names.
6. Avery
7. Pandora
Fuck
Pandora is dead last. That’s not good. Unless the other Dauntless-born initiates did worse, which he doubts since they’re Dauntless-born that means they’re out.
The room is quiet, for many reasons.
Then Emmeline roars, whirling and pointing at Dorcas, “I beat her in minutes! And she’s still ranked higher than me?”
Dorcas hums, crossing her arms and leaning her hip against the wall, raising an eyebrow, “And? I’m just better than you.”
Prongs clears their throat once more to grab their attention, “Once again, if you lose to someone lower ranked than you, you’re going to lose points. Your first fight has little to no hold by the end of the fights.” They pocket the chalk that Regulus didn’t realise they were holding then strides out of the room, allowing the room to descend into unmonitored chaos on not sparing Regulus a glance.
He knows what they meant.
He knows they meant he was the ‘someone lower ranked’.
He fucking hates them.
Emmeline turns her anger to Regulus, sneering, “You. I’m going to get you back for this you little twat.” And with that, she strolls out of the room. A boulder hits the bottom of Regulus’ stomach.
Mulciber and Avery walk out just behind her, Mulciber with a self satisfied grin and Avery with nasty looks towards everyone else.
That makes the boulder grow in size. Or perhaps gravity increased for Regulus and only him.
Because Dorcas and Xeno are celebrating while simultaneously comforting Pandora. Pandora, who doesn’t even seem that distraught. He hears them talking about how they’re sure the other Dauntless-borns are going to have done worse and they’re sure they’ll make it out.
Regulus isn’t sure where they get the blind confidence from.
They don’t know where the others have scored compared to them, they don’t have rankings weighted against the Dauntless-borns.
For all that Regulus knows, he could be out, too.
Dorcas strides over to Regulus and throws an arm around his shoulders, “Number five.”
“It might not be enough.” Regulus shakes his head, running the numbers a million different ways. They don’t know how they actually scored.
“Stop being so analytical.” Pandora smiles at him, and he can tell that it’s genuine even without a background of growing up in Candor, “We’ll be fine, Reg, trust me.”
Regulus agrees and the three of them decide that the group will go do something to celebrate and get their minds off of it and the dread of the next stage starting.
And Regulus appreciates it, it feels better and he doesn’t have to think about Emmeline or Mulciber or Avery or the fact that he might not make it through to the next stage.
But then, as he’s walking alongside Dorcas, her arm still thrown around his shoulder, the two of them just behind Pandora and Xeno, he realises that they’ll be his competitors. And he’ll have to learn how to keep them by his side while fighting them.
Regulus has to beat them or he’ll be beat.
He just hopes that he doesn't have to betray them or leave them behind.
…
The dread of the day lends itself well into not being able to sleep well. Regulus lays awake on his back staring at the bunk above his that he knows Xeno is sleeping in, taking in the wooden cross beams while thinking back on his family and how he’ll never see them again. How it’s almost bittersweet and how he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to see Sirius again. How Sirius must’ve known that he’d never see them again when he left and figuring that he’d be okay with it.
Then his thoughts bring him to the rankings and the possibility of him getting thrown out of the compound because he did bad enough on the initiation. Then how Pandora could possibly get kicked out even if Regulus himself doesn’t. How he’s going to learn the beginning of his fate tomorrow and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. Then he goes over what’s going to happen with Emmeline and Mulciber, and likely Avery since he’s attached to Mulciber at the hip.
He doesn’t get to finally let himself fall asleep before there’s a rustling, then a loud thud, and a scream.
It’s not blood curdling, but it’s one that gives Regulus chills anyway. It reminds him heavily of his brother’s screams accompanied by the unmistakable sounds of hands or belts or whatever else his parents decided to use being forced against Sirius’ skin and clothes.
It’s a scream that means pain and it makes the hairs stand up on Regulus’ arm.
To make it worse, the thud was close to Regulus.
Someone calls for the lights to be turned on and the switch flips as the lights flicker to life.
Regulus wants to puke.
Xeno lays on the floor, his arm sitting at the wrong angle underneath him.
He fucking fell from the top bunk.
No, he can’t have fallen.
Pandora stands up from their bed, Dorcas crawling from the top bunk just after. The two of them rush to help Xeno.
Xeno has never fallen.
He sleeps against the wall.
Pandora moves to cradle him against their body, reassuring him that it’ll be okay and he’ll be alright.
Dorcas stands up and rushes from the room to get the nurse.
Mulciber is sitting from his place on the top bunk, smiling triumphantly.
He pushed Xeno.
But how?
Regulus feels numb as he pushes himself up to join Pandora on the floor. But he doesn’t do what they’re doing, instead he sits and glares at Emmeline and Mulciber and Avery, daring them to get near the three. He knows that he doesn’t hold much agency against them, two of them scored higher than him in the fights, but he knows that for now it’s enough.
Anything he can do to finally stand up against coward bullies who hurt people for their own enjoyment.
Regulus watches Mulciber out of the corner of his eyes when he’s not directly watching him, trying to figure out what happened.
Mulciber sits on the top bunk, just next to Xeno’s. But they’re still far enough away that…
Dorcas comes into the room, the nurse just behind her. Then she helps the nurse pick up Xeno and bring him to the infirmary.
The sheets.
Xeno’s blankets are sitting not far from them on the floor, and the corner is stretched out more than the others.
Mulciber grabbed his sheets and slid him off the bed.
He must’ve.
Regulus helps Pandora stand up and brings them to the bathroom to help them compose themself away from the other three.
Dorcas finds them a bit later, reassuring them that Xeno is fine. His arm dislocated and one of his bones had a hairline fracture. It was getting set and he was just going to be nursing it for a couple days then he was on the mend, “We’re not fighting anymore so he hopefully shouldn’t need it.” She smiles, leaning against the door.
Her smile is weak, but Regulus appreciates the sentiment.
Pandora does too, he can tell.
Dorcas hums, jerking her head, “Now, I’m fucking tired. It’s the middle of the night, we should go back to bed.”
What if Mulciber and Emmeline and Avery do something else?”
“I don’t think they will.” She shakes her head, gently reaching out and grabbing Pandora’s hand, “They can get away with doing it once, but twice will be suspicious of them and they won’t chance getting into trouble. And we’re far enough away from them that they can’t easily do something.” Pandora seems to take in the comfort, at least at face value, and allows Dorcas to guide them away.
The three of them get back into their beds.
Regulus doesn’t sleep.
…
“You look exhausted.” Dorcas notes. Sometimes her lack of filter shocks Regulus. This is one such time. It’s normal in Erudite to not comment on someone’s disheveled appearance, assuming they’ve been up studying or working on something important and educational -- almost never true.
Regulus sighs, hating how empty the table feels without Xeno, “I didn’t get much sleep last night.”
Dorcas hums, turning to Pandora, “Did you?”
They nod, “I managed to get some. You?” Dorcas nods.
As they’re talking, Xeno comes strolling into the Pit. His arm is in a cast, but he seems otherwise fine. He strides over to the table that they’re sitting at and grabs himself some food.
“How’re you feeling?” Pandora hums, tilting their head a bit.
He smiles at them, “I’m alright. It hurt last night, but it’s fine now.”
Pandora nods, “And we all know who did it?”
“I think that’s pretty obvious.” Dorcas hums.
“Do we tell someone?”
“What are they going to do about it,” Regulus rolls his eyes, “Snape fucking dangled Dorcas over the chasm, you think he’s going to care if he learns the Mulciber broke Xeno’s arm?”
Dorcas nods, “He’d probably actually give Mulciber a clap on the back and make him a member on the spot.”
“Do you think Prongs would do anything about it?”
This time it’s Xeno that shakes his head, “Snape has said they don’t have authority over him. Snape’s in charge and he wouldn’t care, so Prongs couldn’t do anything about it.”
Pandora sighs. Regulus feels the same.
He thinks back to the time they were forced to read the faction manifestos and memorise them.
We Believe
that cowardice is to blame for the world’s injustices.
We Believe
that peace is hard-won, that sometimes it is necessary to fight for peace. But more than that:
We Believe
that justice is more important than peace.
We Believe
in freedom from fear, in denying fear the power to influence our decisions.
We Believe
in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.
We Believe
in acknowledging fear and the extent to which it rules us.
We Believe
in facing that fear no matter what the cost to our comfort, our happiness, or even our sanity.
We Believe
in shouting for those who can only whisper, in defending those who cannot defend themselves.
We Believe
not just in bold words but in bold deeds to match them.
We Believe
that pain and death are better than cowardice and inaction, because
We Believe
in action.
We Do Not Believe
in living comfortable lives.
We Do Not Believe
that silence is useful.
We Do Not Believe
in good manners.
We Do Not Believe
in limiting the fullness of life.
We Do Not Believe
in empty heads, empty mouths, or empty hands.
We Do Not Believe
that learning to master violence encourages unnecessary violence.
We Do Not Believe
that we should be allowed to stand idly by.
We Do Not Believe
that any other virtue is more important than bravery.
Regulus remembers liking the manifesto when he read it. He remembers agreeing with it when he had read it, which should’ve been a good sign that he wasn’t meant to be in Erudite. He remembers everyone around him talking about how they loved the Erudite manifesto.
Then there was Regulus.
But he also knows why Sirius chose Dauntless. Because he heard the way his brother expressed fondness over the manifesto when he was in private or in the comfort of the people he trusted.
Regulus can’t help but feel like the manifesto isn’t what it used to be.
He sees some of it, facing fears and learning to fight.
But Snape doesn’t stand for those who can’t stand for others, he screams over the voices of those that need it.
It doesn’t feel quite right.
What was it that James said the other day? ‘It was, not as much anymore.’
Regulus has a feeling that they meant it for more than one reason.
Nonetheless, Regulus loves the manifesto for what it wanted to be.
He doesn’t want to be silent, he doesn’t want to have to stand idly by, he wants to be able to scream for those who can only whisper.
He will be that person.
…
Four Dauntless-borns get cut, meaning that Pandora is safe. But so is Avery.
Regulus doesn’t want to think about it, so he leaves his friends in the dorm and finds himself somewhere to settle while everyone goes out to lunch.
The hallway that he finds himself is one that he’s not sure he’s seen before, but it’s nice. It’s far away from the dorm and the chaos of everything that’s happened within the past 24 hours, it’s quiet and away from the Pit or any other noise of the Dauntless compound.
Regulus has only settled, leaning his head against the cold stone wall and closing his eyes, focusing on his breathing like Sirius taught him when they were little, when there’s the sound of footsteps rapidly approaching his place in the hallway.
“Regulus?” A voice says, relatively low. Regulus snaps his head to look up at whoever spoke to him.
Evan, one of the Dauntless-borns that Barty pulled over to talk to him and Regulus on their way back from when they played capture the flag. He’s walking with Barty and the girl that they were with, “You seem tired.”
Regulus shakes his head, “Bad night.”
Barty whistles, “We heard about what happened, but is it that special?”
“Be nice.” Evan scolds him.
Regulus shoots Barty his own look, “He didn’t just fall, he was thrown from his bed by Mulciber.”
“Why would he do that?” Amelia asks, tilting her head just a bit.
“Xeno came second?” Regulus shrugs, “I can only assume that’s the reason. He’d want to hinder his competition as quick as possible.”
“Gross.” Then she shrugs and looks down the other end of the hallway, “Want to get away for a while?”
“What?”
“A special little initiation ritual.” She outstretches a hand to him, “We have to hurry if we want to actually do it.”
Regulus takes a moment to weigh his options.
He can sit here in this hallway in silence, which he normally likes, but not today, not when there’s so much that he’d rather not think about.
He can go back into the Pit and go through lunch with his friends, after getting the rankings and with Xeno, and with everything else that’s happened and been going on.
“It’s a little initiation ritual.” She smiles, “We have to hurry, though.”
Or, he can go with Barty, Evan, and Amelia and see where they want to take him.
Get his mind off things.
Regulus reaches up and clasps Amelia’s elbow, the girl doing the same for him a moment later. She pulls him to a stand then drops his arm and immediately takes off. Barty and Evan go with her, prompting Regulus to join them as well.
Regulus catches up with Evan, “What are we doing?”
“Something dangerous,” He shrugs. THere’s a glint in his eye, something that he’s heard his family described as ‘Dauntless mania’ and he understands why it was called that. It’s a gleam in his eye that screams danger.
Regulus would normally be scared of something screaming danger.
Not this.
He grins at Evan.
Evan laughs and claps him on the back.
Eventually they meet up with the other Dauntless-born initiates, joined by several Dauntless members standing further down the hall. Someone asks what Regulus is doing here, but Barty is quick to tell them off and get them to shut up.
Regulus can’t help but feel a bit out of place. The Dauntless-borns watch him, looking him up and down as though they’re sizing him up. They have many more piercings and tattoos than the initiates in the dorm room, so it’s a bit hard to feel fully comfortable around them.
These are like dogs, like the dog that Regulus had to face during the Aptitude test. Sneering at him and primed to attack if he makes the wrong move.
But just like the Aptitude test, Regulus can learn how to tame them. Can learn how to show them just enough vulnerability and move in just the right ways that he won't get attacked.
After a couple seconds, one of the members jerks his head towards the dark corridor, “Let’s go.” And with that, he turns into it. The rest of the members follow him, the Dauntless-born initiates falling into step just behind them. Regulus stays in stride with Evan, Amelia and Barty walking just in front of them.
“The back staircase,” Evan mumbles, keeping his voice low, “It’s usually locked.” Regulus nods, unsure of why he’s learning this information. But he knows Evan can’t see it.
Then they’re at a doorway, pushed open by the members in front of them, and daylight is streaming in through the hall, finally illuminating the stairwell that they’ve been walking up.
When the finally get out of the compound and fully into the daylight, about a hundred meters from the glass building above the Pit.
The train horn blares and alerts Regulus that he should be fucking ready. He bounces on his toes, finding some semblance of excitement over jumping onto the train. The group jogs next ot the train car. In front of them the other initiates and members hop into the train.
Amelia then Barty gets in. Then Evan, swinging himself into the train with grace that Regulus could only ever hope to have. People press against Regulus’ back, so he thinks about it for only a moment before throwing himself into the train car. Evan grabs his sleeved arm and pulls him the rest of the way in.
He’s getting better at this.
More people file into the train and the train car, then it’s speeding up and starting to ascend higher.
Regulus finally manages to find his voice again, “Where are we going?”
Amelia shrugs, “Ed never told me.”
“Ed?”
She gestures towards someone across the car to a boy with her hair but shorter, sitting with his legs dangling out of the open door of the car, turned partially to laugh with some of the people he’s surrounded by. Other than her hair, the two don’t look super similar, “My brother. Most call him Edgar, but he’s Ed to me.”
The member to the left of Regulus smiles at them, “You don’t get to know where we’re going. It would ruin the surprise!” She throws her braided red hair over her shoulder and pushes her bangs out of her face, extending a hand, “I’m Lily.”
Regulus hums and reaches out to shake her head, “Regulus.”
“I know, you jumped first.” She shrugs, pulling her hand back and leaning into the darker skinned girl just behind her, “Prongs told me about you and your training.”
Regulus feels his face start to burn, but he pushes that away, “Oh? What have they been saying?”
The girl levels him with her stunning green eyes, “And why do you ask?”
“If my instructor is talking about me,” Regulus starts, shrugging with one shoulder and tilting his chin up just a bit, “it’d be nice to know what they’re saying about me.” Then he looks around, noticing that he hasn’t seen Prongs around, “Speaking of, where are they?”
The girl behind Lily shakes her head, “They never come for some reason. I wonder if it’s lost its appeal already.”
“I swear they’re always bored.”
“It’s because they don’t fear anything so they don’t have much to be excited about.” The girl notes, then she herself turns to Regulus, “I’m Mary.”
Regulus nods but doesn’t respond. He lets himself drown in the sound of Lily and Mary bantering about Prongs and Barty, Evan, and Amelia talking about whatever it is those three talk about.
This whole thing must be about heights.
Prongs seems like the type of person to get excited to get out of the compound whenever and do whatever fun activity they hear about. But if they don’t want to do this one…
Regulus wonders if Lily and Mary know about Prongs’ fear since they don’t seem to understand why Prongs wouldn’t want to come here. Assuming that it is about heights, they would know why Prongs wouldn’t want to go to it if they knew.
“Do you two know Prongs well?” Regulus finally asks, breaking the two of them from their conversation.
Lily shrugs, “I mean, everyone knows Prongs. But we were initiated with them, they helped us practice fighting to get better at it.”
Mary nods, “Very nice of them.”
Regulus opens his mouth to say something, but before he can, the girls stand up and walk over to the train car door near them. Whooping and cheering, Lily throws herself out of the car despite it remaining it’s current speed. Mary is just behind her.
Regulus swallows thickly. The train is going faster than it’s ever gone when he’s jumped from it, so he better make this good. Especially since he’s with people who have been doing this for years.
Amelia, Barty, and Evan go before him once again, and Regulus is jumping before he even knows what’s happening, landing a bit better than he thought he was. He stumbles a couple steps, but manages to catch himself and join the other three in jogging with the rest of the group.
The Hub is behind them as they run. They’re in the abandoned part of the city.
Where the Factionless are condemned to live.
Regulus wonders if Sirius is here, or if he’s safe back at the compound.
Or maybe he’s running in the group with him and doesn’t even know it.
Everyone spread out as they all turn the corner. They’re on a main road that goes all broken and abandoned out on this side of town, allowing them to stretch out throughout the entirety of the asphalt. They’re heading all towards the Hancock building that was abandoned years ago, long before the rest of this area. It’s the tallest building in the area. They really are doing something with heights.
The glass of the doors is shattered, leaving them just frames and nothing else in the way, so they all duck through the frame, watching for the shards of glass. None of them want to get injured before the main event, it seems.
There are elevators at the far end of the building, a door to the stairwell not far away from the metal doors.
“Do they work?” Amelia asks, as they come to a stop.
Edgar gives her quite the look, “Of course, Mel. Do you think I’m stupid enough to do this and not come early to run on the backup generator?”
Amelia rolls her eyes at her brother, “You’ve done stupid shit before. I could see you ruining a whole trip out here so easily.” Edgar rolls his eyes and pulls her into his side, throwing his arm around the back of her neck and pressing her head against his chest, messing with her hair. Amelia laughs, though it seems uncomfortable the way that she’s hunched over to meet his height -- how she managed to be taller than her older brother, Regulus is unsure.
When the elevator doors finally pull open, Edgar lets her pull away from him and heads into it.
Regulus, Barty, Amelia, and Evan don’t get to go inside this one, but the other elevator opens only a moment later for the rest of them to huddle into. Amelia’s hair is messed up and she tries desperately to tame it and get it back to its normal order, though she’s laughing about it. Evan and Barty make no effort to help her.
Seeing the two of them playfully fight made Regulus heart pang only slightly. He’s never been able to be like that with his brother, the two of them raised to be so heavily confrontational that any sign of fighting or conflict between the two meant serious injuries. And any other move to touch them only meant violence.
But for those two, even in such a violent faction like Dauntless. That only meant playfulness and love.
“What floor?” Barty asks once they’re all loaded into the elevator.
“Hundred.” Regulus hums.
“How do you think?” Barty asks, leaning into Regulus’ space. He’s yet to figure out just how Regulus feels about him. At one moment, it seems like he likes Regulus and indulges in teasing and talking to him like after the capture the flag, but now it rather seems like he’s upset with Regulus or rather he’d not be here.
Regulus can deal with posuring. So he tilts his head back and looks up at him over his nose, “We’re in the tallest building of the area with Dauntless. It’s only logical that we’re going to the top floor.” Barty hums, rolling his eyes slightly. He jambs the button that reads 100 and, soon, they’re flying up into the building.
Regulus doesn’t particularly enjoy being elevators, even though they riddle the Erudite compound. The confined space reminds him of certain punishments his parents would put him through when he was younger, shoving him into his closet or one of their random small rooms whenever he was acting up around people, pretending like he was simply going to the bathroom or going to get something. It’s worse here now that he’s surrounded by people, packed like sardines in the small space.
But at least the elevator seems to go fast.
They fly up the elevator, the feeling making Regulus’ stomach do something weird. They’re up on the hundredth floor before Regulus is ready, bringing them to a room that has some of its windows shattered and a giant hole in the ceiling.
The members from the other elevator are already up there, and Edgar is standing with a ladder, climbing up it and turning around to hold it steady against the hole while the others climb up. Once the person behind Edgar, one of the people he was laughing with on the train earlier, stands up while they take hold of the ladder. They continue doing that, climbing then holding it for the next person before going further from Regulus’ view.
Somehow, Regulus ends up going first out of their group. He climbs the ladder after another initiate with three lip piercings and holds the ladder for Evan, who turns and grabs it for Barty, then Amelia. There’s a line on the roof of people in front of them, going up to a pole with a thick steel cable attached to it. There’s a pile of black fabric sitting next to the pole.
Edgar strolls up and grabs one of the things off the pile, and it turns out to be a sling of some sort that he attaches to a pulley hanging from the steel cable.
The steel cable that disappears into the growing darkness and that Regulus can’t see the end of.
Regulus isn’t sure he can do this.
But now he has to.
Amelia mutters something and Regulus finds himself nodding.
Lily is the first to get on the sling, hopping up into it and trusting Edgar to hold it for her while she shimmies forward so she’s mostly supported by the sling. Edgar secure some straps over her back. Then he pulls her to the edge of the building, beginning to count down and shoving her over the edge of the roof before he can finish saying three.
Lily screams as she flies forward and out of their view, her arms thrown out to either side. Then she’s just a speck and her screams have turned into laughter.
The members around them whoop and cheer her name and stomp and high five and it’s overwhelming but intoxicating at the same time.
Will they all have this reaction when Regulus goes as well.
He’ll find out soon. There are seven people between him and the pole, all of them members. He’s going to be the first initiate to do this, and the first and only that’s not Dauntless-born. The idea sends a thrill through his stomach and makes him bounce on the balls of his feet just a bit.
Mary goes after Lily when Edgar tells her that she can -- how he’s able to know when Mary is in the clear, Regulus isn’t sure -- and the girl hops in onto her back then throws her arms out like Lily did as she gets shoved off.
The members in front of him look delighted as the girl exits their view, shoving each other and cheering about how it’s their turn soon. The initiates behind Regulus, however, look terrified. Their faces are pale and Regulus himself can feel his hands wet with sweat.
What happens between initiation and membership that transforms panic into delight? Or do people just get better at hiding their fear?
Regulus knows that Prongs is able to hide their fear well, but are the rest of the members? Or is this just fun for them?
Is part of training what makes this happen, since Regulus himself has noticed his thrill at certain ideas or the enjoyment that he found in the spark in Amelia, Barty, and Evan’s eyes.
The next member gets in feet first and crosses her arms over her chest. A medium height boy with long black hair jumps in on his stomach and almost slips from Edgar’s grasp on the sling, but then gets sent off with a piercing, high pitched scream. Another guy, tall, gets into the sling and doesn’t make a sound as he gets sent off the edge. A girl with purple hair cropped to just above her ears goes after making a joke with Edgar.
Only one person.
She goes up next, getting flung off the roof with a whoop.
Edgar smiles at Regulus, “Ready?” Regulus breaths and goes up to get into the sling on his stomach, facing forward. Edgar leans over to secure the straps over his back, making sure to keep his hands grazing over Regulus like he did with everyone else, “Don’t worry, it’s not that bad.” He finishes with the straps and guides him towards the edge of the roof like he did with everyone else.
Regulus stares down at the ground, so far below him that he can hardly make out any details.
Edgar hums, “You’re doing much better than I thought you would, for such a quiet and regal thing.”
Evan hums, “Melia told you that he was Dauntless.”
Barty nods, “He’s the one that climbed the damn ferris wheel for fun.”
Amelia groans, “Stop talking and just do it already.” Of course she’d want this to go fast, she’s right after Regulus after all.
“Don’t be like that, or I won’t tighten your straps and splat, you’re a Bones pancake.”
“Like mother wouldn’t skin you alive if you did that.”
Regulus knows it's bad that even the word mother sends chills down his back and makes him sweat for a whole other reason than the fact that he’s dangling on his stomach a hundred floors up.
Their mother is safe, she’s fine. She treats them well. Their mother would only skin Edgar alive if he literally killed his sister. Not because he said something wrong.
Edgar smiles and lets out a light, joyous laugh, then he gives Regulus a countdown and sends him flying, breaking him from his train of thought at a rapid speed.
Immediately Regulus can only focus on the air whipping past him, stealing the breath from his lungs and ripping his lips apart in an attempt to scream that he can’t quite manage to get out with the pressure against his chest. Tears fill his eyes and he focuses on the rapidly changing ground as he continues to pick up speed at the decline.
Regulus allows himself to throw his arms to either side of his body, somewhat sure that the sling will sufficiently hold him. He can’t pull them back into his chest with the wind.
His arms are beginning to grow cold with the whipping wind and the rapidly chilling air of the nighttime.
It almost burns.
His lungs burn as they try desperately to gasp in air.
Regulus feels like he’s on fire.
He feels alive.
His blood sings in his veins, and he can feel it pumping in his feet and his throat and his wrists.
His body sparks with adrenaline.
Regulus thinks he’s approaching the end of the zipline. There is a black dot that is slowly turning into a group of those that went before him, cheering and waving at him while he’s coming. The pavement grows nearer to him.
A laugh rips itself from his throat before Regulus can catch it, and that laugh turns into a yell that’s distinctly not a scream of fear and more like a call of… victory?
It doesn’t matter since the others on the ground cheer back at him, copying his yell, even if Regulus can barely hear them against the wind screaming in his ears.
Regulus eventually slows down, about twenty feet above the ground. He runs his hands through his hair, only slightly dreading having to manage the mussed up curls later. But then the group emerges below him, grasping on another’s arms and forming a net of limbs.
They’re going to catch him. He’s going to hit their arms like the net when he first jumped to get into the compound.
Regulus slowly works the knots and the straps away from his back, maneuvering himself so he’ll be able to get out of the sling relatively easily without his shirt falling up.
These people are Regulus’ and Regulus is theirs.
The idea of that thrills him.
The idea of having a family and group that he belongs to.
Regulus wriggles out of the sling, plunging through the air for only a moment before slamming into the arms below. Elbows press into his side and his back, but then several others grab at him and pull him to the ground in the way that Prongs did before. Regulus doesn't really recognise the faces that he manages to glance at before he’s upright and Lily is coming into his view, clapping onto his shoulder, “How was it?”
Regulus breathes, taking a moment to manage his thoughts, taking in the other members staring at him wildly, their hair all windblown and their cheeks red and looking crazy with that manic spark in their eyes. They’re grinning at him.
Regulus finds it within himself to smile at Lily, “When can I do it again?” The group laughs and cheers at the response.
Mary jogs up to clap him on the shoulder as well, “Atta boy!” Regulus finds himself laughing with her.
Regulus glances towards the Hancock building. He can’t see the people standing on the edge of it, but he can see a black dot slowly become more defined as it rapidly approaches them.
“Here little Bones comes!” One of the members shouts, pointing at the girl flying towards them with her hair flying around her haphazardly.
“I bet you she’ll cry.”
“Amelia, cry?” Someone else responds, “Edgar cried the first time he did this, but Amelia? She’s tough as nails.”
“Look at her flailing around like that,” Mary laughs into his ear, shocking him just a bit.
But then he’s able to focus on the girl, and he finds himself muttering, “She sounds like a strangled cat.” Mary and Lily, the only people that managed to hear the statement, throw their heads back in laughter.
Amelia comes to stop in the same place that Regulus had before and the group converges once more. This time Regulus joins them, following just behind Lily. He grits his teeth and forces himself to get over the sensation of people grabbing at him and holding his hand with his skin, but he thrusts his hands out and grabs at an elbow, feeling someone reach for his upper arm. His left hand holds a wrist and another grabs just below his elbow.
One of the members that Regulus thinks he’s seen around before, a tall man with somewhat messy brown hair and scars littering his face, smiles at him softly, “Seems like you’re more than just a stuck up Erudite.” And Regulus decides that he likes this man.
Amelia slams into their arms hard, but then several members are helping her out of their arms. Amelia only gets a bit to say before Evan comes flying in after her, then Barty.
…
The four of them have a good conversation on the train ride back to the compound, laughing about the experience and telling stories about the three’s time with the Dauntless and what Regulus has to look forward to.
Regulus stops in the bathroom after they get back to the compound and split from the Dauntless-borns and the members in attempts to tame his hair as much as possible. But he doesn’t manage it fully and he smells like wind and adrenaline even as he walks into the Pit a couple minutes later.
Lily and Mary wave at him as he enters, though they go back to their conversation -- which Prongs, the man with the scars, and the one with black hair are all a part of -- and Regulus hums in acknowledgement, even if they can’t hear it.
He turns and makes his way to Pandora, Xeno, and Dorcas where they’re sitting at the table.
Pandora asks where he’s been and Regulus feels a pang of guilt.
He hadn’t thought of them when he went with Amelia, Barty, and Evan, he had just gone. They must’ve been looking for him and he wasn’t anywhere they could manage to find them.
Perhaps he should’ve invited them. But that wouldn’t have been his place.
Regulus breathes as he settles, “Amelia, the Dauntless-born that Dorcas was teamed up with, was leaving with her friends Evan and Barty to do something with her brother and she invited me along.” He shakes his head, wondering how to make it sound any better than him just abandoning them and sounding like he doesn’t care about what’s gone on with his own friend, “They definitely didn’t want me there, but…”
Xeno hums, “They might’ve not wanted you there before, but they sure seem to be fine with you now.”
“They might be.” He shrugs, “It’s nice to be back, though. I’m tired.” It’s not fully a lie, there is truth to the statement. Regulus is exhausted, but he’s not glad to be back in the dark compound. He lived out there, in the wind and flying through the air, and what he wouldn’t give to have that experience over again, going on constantly for the rest of his life.
Perhaps he just wants to feel happy all the time.
Nonetheless, Regulus knows that he looks like he sure enjoyed his time there. His hair is still crazy and his cheeks still feel cold.
Regulus sighs as Xeno and Pandora split off into telling a story about whatever they were up to while Regulus was out, engaging in a battle of correcting each other on some of the facts. Regulus lets their chatter slip into being background noise for himself while he looks over Dorcas’ shoulder around the Pit. Some of the members that he was with, that he caught within his own arms and conjoined his limbs with his own, are flicking food at each other. Lily and Mary laugh happily at whatever is being said in their group. Pandora and Xeno are smiling at each other despite their bickering.
Some semblance of the feeling that he got earlier is worming its way into his stomach.
This is the first time that Regulus has been happy to be a part of a group, be part of a community.
He just has to survive into the next stage of the initiation.
Notes:
I need everyone to know that Sirius was, in fact, with them when the group went ziplining, but neither of them recognised each other. Sirius because it’s been a long time since he’s seen Regulus and he looks much different now, and Regulus because he was so caught up in the adrenaline and how good the whole thing felt. I just felt it was an important detail to add, even if I couldn’t really do it in the writing.
Chapter Text
They’re sitting in a dark hallway.
That’s how stage two of the training has begun, just sitting in a dark hallway and trying not to fall asleep because it’s eight in the morning. But at least there’s more of them this time. Barty, Amelia, and Evan sit directly across the hallway from Regulus, Pandora, Xeno, and Dorcas with the other Dauntless-born initiates lining that side of the wall around them. They’re training together from now on.
“So,” Barty starts, a wicked grin spreading onto his face, “Who’s first of you?”
“I am.” Mulciber says after a moment, clearing his throat.
Barty takes a moment to look him up and down. A long, meticulous motion. Then he hums and shrugs with one shoulder, “Bet I could take you.”
“You really think so?” Mulciber challenges.
He reaches up to toy with one of the piercings in his eyebrow, “I’m second, but I could squish any of you transfers like a bug under my boot.” Regulus stifles a bit of a laugh, not wanting to anger Mulciber right now, even if he knows that the man couldn’t do anything immediately.
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” Mulicber sneers, scanning over each of the Dauntless-born, “Who’s first then?”
“I am,” Evan hums, his head having fallen back against the rough wall. Regulus hates the nonchalance of the two of them, even if he’s sure that they like him enough to not intend to hurt him… right now.
Mulciber opens his mouth to respond, but before he gets the chance to, the door at the end of the hallway opens and Prongs steps out, “Barty, you’re with me.” Barty hums and pushes himself to a stand, striding towards the door. Prongs offers him a tight smile and opens the door further for him to walk in before them.
It’s only a moment after they’ve left that Xeno hums, looking over at Evan, “So you’re first.”
Evan shrugs with one shoulder, keeping his eyes closed, “Yeah. And?”
“Isn’t it a bit unfair that you’ve been training your entire life for this? I’m sure you all were taught how to fight when you were like, two.”
Amelia snorts, “I mean, yeah. We’ve known how to fight for a long time and any of us could beat any of you in that field. But my older brother has told me that we have no way to prepare for the second and third phase.” She lolls her head to look at him, “We’re just as in the dark as you.”
“Besides,” Evan hums, “I mean, Dauntless has never been about ‘fair’. If you’re more disadvantaged than others, it’s all the more impressive if you show them up. You have to train just as hard as them, if not harder. I wouldn’t go crying wolf if one of you trained for long enough that you managed to take me down in a fight, I’d probably congratulate you.”
“Oh but you’d bitch about the teasing you’d get.” Amelia smiles. Evan shoves her with his shoulder, making her giggle.
No one responds after the interaction ends. Regulus counts in his head, closing his eyes and forcing himself not to fall asleep.
The door opens.
Prongs calls for Mulciber.
He stands up and strides into the room.
Regulus opens his eyes just quick enough to see them sneer at him as he crosses them into the room.
The time drags on slowly, name after name being called by Prongs and initiate after initiate leaving him behind.
Eventually it’s just Avery, Amelia, and Regulus himself. Avery taps his foot and it drives Regulus crazy. Amelia just taps her nails against her fabric-covered knee which is much more tolerable.
The door creaks as it opens, like it has everytime. Prongs hums, making eye contact with Regulus and jerking their chin, “Your turn Regulus.” He stands up and crosses the hallway, passing Amelia and Avery. Amelia gives him a reassuring look, he can’t force himself to smile back. Avery tries to trip Regulus, but Regulus is a little brother so it doesn’t work.
Prongs ghosts their hand over the small of his back to guide him into the room.
Regulus tries not to think about it as Prongs closes the door behind them.
The room makes Regulus’ heart drop and he takes half a step back. There’s a reclining metal chair in the center of the room, mirroring the aptitude test rooms. There are no mirrors and the light above isn’t nearly blinding this time, but there is still the machine set up right next to the chair.
Prongs tells Regulus to sit, moving their hand to his shoulder and guiding him to the chair.
Regulus hesitantly sits, “Another simulation? What is it?” He forces his hands to not shake as they guide him back into the chair properly.
They hum, “This takes ‘face your fears’ to heart. You’re going to experience one of your fears in this and you’re going to have to control yourself and your emotions during the simulation.” Regulus hums, reminding himself that simulations aren’t real and he’s been able to mess with them and escape them before. He's conscious in simulations.
It can’t be that bad.
But then Regulus reminds himself of the stern warning from the kind woman that ran his aptitude test. Telling him that being able to manipulate the simulation is dangerous.
He has to make his manipulation look… normal? Or not manipulate the simulation at all.
Regulus swallows but presses his head back against the reclining chair, “Do you run aptitude tests?”
Prongs makes their way over to the machine and starts to prepare the needle. They shake their head, “I’ve thought about it a couple times, but… I found other things that made me happier.” They step forward and walk to him, needle in hand. Regulus tilts his head to allow them room for the needle, closing his eyes and focusing on breathing so he doesn’t feel it prick at his skin.
James hums, “We use a more advanced version of the serum than those in the aptitude tests. It makes it so you don’t need any wires or electrodes, even if I still do. It’ll go into effect here soon, it takes a moment to find your amygdala and stimulate the fear hormones to induce a hallucination that transfers over to us. This ends when you lower your heart rate and control your breathing or manage to get out of the situation.”
Regulus nods, but their words are beginning to fade and fall from his memory as his vision fades. His brain starts screaming at him as his eyes slip closed. His heart begins to speed up, his chest tightens, and he feels like he can’t swallow.
…
Regulus is on a bus. He hates riding the bus, it’s gross and his parents have always talked down on it so he has negative associations with it.
There aren’t many people on the bus with him, a couple of people at the far end talking quietly, a factionless person staring out of the window -- Regulus isn’t sure how they’re on here, he didn’t think factionless people rode the busses -- and a Erudite man, also not someone who typically rides the bus. Almost all Erudites have their own form of transportation, especially as adults.
Regulus is on high alert. He already doesn’t like the bus but they’re always full, and this is not the typical crowd. No Candors, Abnegation, or Amity people like normal. So he goes to keep his back to the train, his hand going sweaty and his heart beat beginning to race. He watches everyone on the bus closely, but what he doesn’t pay attention to is the door behind him leading to the driver’s part of the bus.
He glances out of the window for only a moment, and when he looks back all the people are gone and the door is opening behind him.
Regulus jumps out of the way as the factionless man that was driving the bus comes into the main area of the bus, giving him a dirty grin, “The bus line is closed, kid. Why are you still here?”
Regulus sneers at him, “I didn’t realise that the bus line was closed, I’m sorry I’ll get off now.”
“It’s no use, the bus park is closed. You won’t be able to get out without me.” The man looks Regulus up and down, leaning into his space. His breath smells off and his hair is matted and it makes Regulus wary, he feels his pulse in his stomach.
But he’s met a few factionless people so he wants to give this man the benefit of the doubt, maybe he just hasn’t had a good conversation in a while. So he steels himself, though he doesn’t feel nearly as confident as he pretends, “Then would you mind letting me out of here so I can get back home before curfew?”
The man watches him for a moment and Regulus suddenly feels like he can’t swallow under the man’s hardy gaze, “Oh, you’re a long way from Erudite, kid. How abouts I drive you back.”
There’s something wrong in his tone.
Regulus can’t figure out what it is, but there’s an undertone of something that he isn’t sure he likes. He can’t let this man take him anywhere, “You don’t- you said that the busline is closed and the gates are locked. I doubt you have a car. I can walk back by myself.”
“And how can you be so sure about that?” The man hums, before turning around and walking back into the cabin. Before Regulus knows it, the bus is getting turned on and moving, making Regulus jolt and rush to grab at the pole on top of him. He doesn’t know where the bus is going, but something within him is screaming that it’s not to the Erudite compound.
Wait.
Why is Regulus going to the Erudite compound?
He’s in Dauntless now.
He looks down at his outfit, wearing the same black clothes that he put on this morning to get to the second phase of training, so why is this man taking him to the Erudite compound?
Or- not taking him to the Erudite compound.
How did he know that he was originally from Erudite?
Regulus stands up and rushes to the doors of the bus, wondering if there’s some sort of emergency stop that he can press, but there’s not.
Only for a moment does he consider making the emergency stop button appear, but then he remembers that he wants his manipulation of this to seem normal.
Regulus blinks and the bus has stopped in a dark area of the town, cracked and abandoned buildings and road around them.
The streetlights don’t work.
Regulus feels like he’s going to vomit.
He can’t breathe, he can’t swallow.
He can’t hear anything.
He barely registers the factionless man coming from the cabin of the bus and stalking towards him.
He barely registers the feeling of the man grabbing at him and pushing him around, bringing him out of the bus and into one of the abandoned buildings.
Regulus tries to fight but the man is too strong.
He can’t do anything.
He can’t breathe.
He closes his eyes and lets the man carry him, trying to focus over his body’s betrayal of him. He just needs to calm his heartrate and his breathing. He needs to get out of this situation.
He can’t manipulate this in a way that’s obvious but he can…
He’s Dauntless now. He was taught to fight, it doesn’t matter that this man is stronger than him.
Regulus beat Mulciber.
He takes a deep breath, fighting against his burning lungs, and he brings his hand up against the man’s jaw above him, knocking his head back. The man groans and his grip loosens. Regulus turns in his arms and elbows him in the side with the motion.
A stomp on the man’s foot gets him to finally release Regulus.
One more kick to his crotch gives Regulus enough time for him to take off running.
He doesn’t know where he’s going.
He doesn’t know when he’s going to leave this stupid simulation.
Regulus rushes under a streetlamp and turns into another alleyway, hard to notice. As soon as he’s at the end of it, he slides down the wall and pulls his knees to his chest, heaving in heavy breathes and reminding himself that he’s fine, that the man isn’t going to come back for him.
Regulus opens his eyes again and he’s back in the simulation room. The chair is cold against his skin. He closes his eyes again, trying to get in a full breath past the burning in his lungs. He can’t hear anything over his heartbeat and his vision is going black and blurry.
He can still feel the man’s breath and hands against his body, against his skin -- how was it against his skin, he’s wearing long sleeves? -- he can still smell the man’s breath.
A hand touches his shoulder and he jolts away from it, “Don’t touch me!”
“It’s over, you’re safe.” Prongs whispers, keeping their voice low. Their hand hovers just near his shoulder, then it ghosts over his head in what almost seems like a comforting gesture.
Regulus runs his hands from his eyes to his throat then down to his arms, as if able to rub the man’s touch from his skin.
The man wasn’t real.
“Regulus.” Prongs hums, still quiet, “Regulus, I’m going to take you back to the dorms.”
“You’re not!” Regulus snaps, his head coming up to stare at them, “No one is allowed to see me like this.”
“There’s a backdoor that I’ll take you through. It’s the same one I took everyone through.”
“You’re not going to walk me back to the dorm, that’s going to make me seem weak.” Regulus can’t be the only one that needs to get walked back after this. He can’t be the only one that’s so pathetic to be as affected by this whole simulation thing. Mulciber and Avery will no doubt find out somehow.
Prongs says something under their breath before gently grabbing Regulus’ arm and pulling him out of the chair. They bring him to the door behind the computer screen and the set up that Prongs was attached to.
The two of them walk down the hallway in silence with Regulus trying to catch his breath and feel normal. Trying to make sure that his breathing is normal and he doesn’t feel like he wants to crawl out of his skin.
When they’re nearing the dorms, Regulus yanks his arm from Prongs’ hands, “Don’t touch me.” And Regulus is going to say more, but the image of the man holding him and manhandling him comes back to him and suddenly he can’t breathe anymore. Suddenly his heartbeat is back in his ears and his lungs burn and he’s losing control of his hands and they’re going numb with the cold of his blood leaving the fingers.
Prongs doesn’t say anything as Regulus falls against the wall and brings himself back from the attack. They stare at the floor to give him some privacy while he’s gathering himself back up and returning back to some semblance of normal once more.
“You’re learning how to think in the face of fear is a lesson that everyone needs to learn, and it’s a major part of courage and bravery.” Prongs says after a while of silence, finally bringing their gaze back to him, “That’s what you’re learning here. I know that it sucks, and it’s going to continue to suck until you’re all done with the initiation, but you have to go through it, just like how you have to get into the ring day after day.” After a couple seconds of watching him, they hum, “You’re doing well with that.”
“I’m fucking failing, Prongs.” Regulus shakes his head, “Don’t lie to me just because you want to make me feel better so you can get back to your job. You’re not required to be nice to me. We both know the only reason that I’m still here is because I managed to somehow beat Mulciber.”
“Everyone has different strengths in different places.” Prongs starts simply, “Maybe you’re not the best at fighting right now, but you’re doing well already with the mind challenges. I told you that this is teaching you how to think in the face of fear. That’s what you did. You remembered how to fight when you were being…” Regulus glares at them, cutting them off. James hums, “Do you know how long you were in there?”
“It can’t have been shorter than thirty minutes.”
They shake their head, “Five minutes. You’re doing well with the intelligence part. You have a sharp mind, Regulus, and that is a big part of courage. I said on the first day that courage and bravery is more than knowing how to fight. Tomorrow, you’ll be even better and it’ll be easier for you.” With that, they reach forward and ghost their hand over the small of his back once again, turning him and leading him further togethers the dorm.
Regulus breathes, “What was your first fear?”
James clears their throat, “I wasn’t a what, it was a who. But that’s not important, that doesn’t matter.”
“Are you over it now? Have you conquered it?”
They shake their head, “I don’t think I ever will.”
Regulus sighs, “So they don’t go away.”
Prongs shrugs with one shoulder, and Regulus swears that they actually touch his back for only a moment -- maybe it was an accident, but something in Regulus is telling him that it was intentional. They stop the two of them once again near the dorm, standing on other ends of the hallway, “They can. Not all can and not all will, some will leave after a long time. Some will leave just to be replaced by another. But there are some that never leave you. Being Dauntless is learning how to act in spite of your fear, not necessarily about getting rid of it.” Regulus nods, realising that a lot of his assumptions about Dauntless were wrong.
Prongs takes a step closer to them. Their eyes are so open and they’re so relaxed that Regulus nearly forgets that they’re his trainer. A part of him convinces itself that they’re just a person he met in the compound telling him about what he’s missed and what he doesn’t understand quite yet.
Regulus is next to take the step closer. It’s stupid, he knows, but he can’t find it within his adrenaline-filled body to care that much. He makes it to the same side of the wall that Prongs is leaning against, joining them against it.
Prongs is warm, Regulus realises. Their skin is radiating heat and it’s cold down here in the Dauntless compound -- a side effect of literally being underground -- and he finds himself leaning more into their heat.
They feel different up close like this.
Regulus takes in a deep breath, “Like you do with heights.”
Prongs seems taken aback only for a moment, “Like I do with heights… I hadn’t realised that you noticed it.”
“Please, it was obvious,” he rolls his eyes, “You nearly had a panic attack on the ferris wheel.” Prongs doesn’t respond, an easy, exasperated smile playing on their lips. Regulus swallows, and it finally feels right again, “I didn’t realise that Dauntless would be this difficult. It’s different than I assumed going off of the manifesto.”
Prongs shakes their head, playing with the ring going through the center of their lip -- did they always have that? Regulus thinks it looks familiar but he can’t draw up images of it in his memory. Otherwise, they don’t seem bothered by the cowardly comment. They lean their head back against the wall, “I’ve heard that it wasn’t always like this. Apparently it was much easier, much better, much less… daunting, I guess.”
“What changed then?”
“The leadership. Before I joined here, Tom Riddle came into the place of the leader here and he started changing around policies and making training more harsh and aggressive. The entirety of what Dauntless was and what it prioritised shifted. I’m sure it would come as a total shock to learn who Riddle has taken a particular interest in.”
Neither of them need to say his name, they don’t care to. Regulus foolishly wonders if saying his name will conjure him, make him appear from the darkness to antagonise them.
“What was his rank if you were first? I feel like you’d have to be first to get that good of a position.”
“He was second.”
“Why didn’t you take the role?”
Prongs sighs, “I was offered and I went through the first part of it, started the training with him and figured that it would be a good choice for me. I’m a good leader and I’ve always wanted to make a difference. But I realised that I wasn’t what Riddle wanted. I was too… kind? I wasn’t ferocious enough and I didn’t want to change Dauntless to reflect that, I wasn’t what he needed to keep an iron fist on the compound. And I realised that I didn't want to be that closely related to something like that.” They shrug, “And I found that I like working with computers and new people better.”
Regulus nods.
Neither of them say anything for a while and Regulus is starkly aware of the tension between them. Starkly aware of the lack of room between them. Starkly aware of how his body and mind craves just leaning into them and fully being taken into their touch.
How come Prongs is the only person he’s been okay with actually touching his skin more than his hands? How come he hasn’t had a negative reaction to their hand getting close to his back or his waist or hips?
Regulus knows why, but he doesn’t want to admit it or think about it.
Prongs is attractive, undeniably so.
Regulus runs his hands over his face once more, “Do I look like I’ve just had a panic attack?”
Prongs leans in just a touch more to analyse his face, watching him carefully and humming.
Prongs isn’t the type of person to be into guys. That’s just not how the world works.
That’s not how Regulus’ luck works.
They grin at him, their eyes crinkling with the motion, “Not at all, Regulus.” Their face turns more serious, “You look tough as nails.”
…
The dorm is weirdly chattery when Regulus gets in there.
Everyone but Avery is standing in the dorm building with a paper in front of them. Mulciber is reading it out loud dramatically.
”Another Black child leaves Orion and Walburga Black, city head of funding and his wife. Could there be something more to the situation that we’re not aware of?” He tunes out the rest of Regulus’ voice.
Regulus furrows his brows.
He’s shocked that Rita Skeeter is writing about his family. She has a direct pact with them.
Unless this wasn’t published by Skeeter.
Why would anyone point fingers at his family?
Xeno walks up to Regulus, whispering, “What is this about? Pandora said they didn’t know anything about it.” Dorcas and Pandora walk to join them.
Regulus shakes his head, “I don’t know. I never talked to the Black siblings.”
Dorcas doesn’t recognise the lie.
“I’m hungry, let’s go get dinner.” He says, jerking his head to the door behind him. His friends agree and they head out of the dorm, leaving behind Mulciber and Emmeline to giggle to themselves about the article.
Notes:
I’m not happy about the kidnapping scene but we’re just going to ignore that
Go check out my tumblr!
Chapter 8: Tomorrow is Another Day
Chapter Text
Getting a tattoo fucking hurts, Regulus decides, walking behind where Pandora has jumped onto Xeno’s back, forcing him to give them a piggyback ride, and alongside Dorcas. A simple tattoo on either side of his shoulders, a black dog for his brother and a black cat for himself -- their favourite animals growing up -- and it hurt like a bitch, especially since the animals are nearly entirely blacked out, but he enjoys the sentiment and the reminder of his brother that it gives him.
The new tattoos, joined by a shirt that reveals Regulus’ shoulders just enough to be able to see the new ink marring his skin but not so much that he can’t brush his binder straps off as a tank top, gives him quite a boost of confidence.
His brother that he still hasn’t been able to even catch a glimpse of here.
“I can’t believe that you actually got a tattoo,” Dorcas hums, tearing her gaze away from the two to look at Regulus.
“Why? Because I’m uptight?”
She shakes her head, “Not necessarily. I just mean that you’re more… sensible. And you’ve rejected getting a tattoo before.”
“I was tired then,” Regulus shrugs with one shoulder, “I’ve wanted tattoos for a long time, I think they’re interesting.”
She hums, “Cool. What fear did you get today?”
He shakes his head, “I don’t want to talk about it, you?”
“Too much fire.” She doesn’t elaborate, Regulus doesn’t push.
There’s loud laughter at the chasm when they approach, Regulus hears them before he sees them. He just figures that it’s just a random group of Dauntless members messing about.
Which is why he’s shocked when they get to the chasm and are greeted by… Prongs? Holding a bottle of alcohol with a group of people who are also holding various sized bottles.
Regulus almost considers that he’s seen it wrong, that it’s not actually Prongs and just another tall, tan-dark-skinned person with dark hair, because surely Prongs isn’t the type of person to get drunk, right?
He’s only now beginning to realise that he doesn’t really know Prongs as well as he thought he might’ve, it makes his cheeks warm up just a bit at the embarrassment.
Because sure as shit, there’s Prongs, their arm thrown over Lily, the girl from the ziplining trip. She’s rolling her eyes at something they said, holding hands with Mary on her otherside. There’s also Marlene, the blonde Dauntless-born trainer that Regulus has only met a couple times and hasn’t held a conversation with. Edgar is standing nearby, taking a large swig from his dark brown bottle. With them are two people Regulus doesn’t recognise, a person with long black hair and their back to Regulus, leaning against a taller man with golden brown hair and a dark-coloured knit sweater with his back also turned.
“Uh oh,” Pandora singsons, sliding off Xeno’s back, “Instructor alert.”
“I’m just glad it’s not Snape.” Regulus breathes.
“Like that’s much better,” Xeno hums, “Prongs is intimidating.” He’s going to say more, but Prongs turns and sees them.
Weirdly enough, they light up at the sight of him, grinning, “Regulus.” Regulus exchanges a slightly fear-filled look -- does Regulus look scared? He hopes he looks more scared than he does excited to be called out by the person he thinks he’s been flirting with -- before he turns fully toward Prongs, who has turned away from their friends and started walking towards him.
Prongs hums, looking him up and down slowly -- if drunkenly or something more lustful, Regulus isn’t sure, “You look different.”
Regulus hums, slightly uncomfortable, “So do you.” It’s not a lie or something to get them off of him, they do look different. Their shoulders are relaxed and their demeanor is much more… approachable, “What are you doing?”
Prongs hums, taking a moment to sluggishly look at the chasm then at the bottle in their hand, letting out a huff of a laugh, “Flirting with death.” They’re quiet for a minute, watching over him for a while longer, “You have a tattoo.” They take a sip of the bottle in their hand. Regulus shrugs but doesn’t care to respond. So James moves on, “I would ask you to hang out with me, but you’re not supposed to see me like this?”
“What is ‘like this’? Drunk? I’ve seen many people drunk in my time here.”
Prongs huffs, shaking their head, “Real, not the menacing, foreboding type of person that instructs you.”
Regulus shakes his head, aware of his friends just steps away watching them, “I’ll pretend I didn’t.” He doesn’t say that he thinks he’s seen Prongs real -- or at least more real than his friends have.
They smile down at him, “How kind of you.” Before Regulus can register what’s happening, they lean down until their mouth is just next to his ear and their breath is fanning out over his shoulder, “You look good, Regulus.”
Regulus swallows, feeling his heart leap and speed up at the compliment, at the way his name curls off their tongue. Prongs pulls back just a bit, their eyes sliding over his glazed over, and Regulus has to remind himself that they’re drunk. They don’t know what they’re saying.
They’re probably just messing with him anyway.
Regulus pushes that thought down, “Try not to get too close to the chasm, yeah?”
Prongs winks, “Of course.” Regulus hums, fighting the small smile that wants to make its way to his face. Dorcas clears her throat, but Regulus doesn’t turn away. He watches Prongs hum, turn around, and walk back to their friends. Pandora meanders over to him, throwing their arm over his shoulders. They turn him and guide him back onto the path they were originally on.
When they’re far enough away from the group of drunken Dauntless, Pandora hums, “Figured we should rescue you… What was that about?”
Xeno nods, pulling up to Regulus’ other side, “Yeah, that was interesting.”
Regulus shakes his head, “Nothing. They were drunk and probably messing with me.” Pandora and Xeno seems to take that at face value.
Dorcas hums, “It’s not at all…”
Regulus shakes his head before she can even begin giving any information away. She must’ve heard what Prongs said to him, must’ve been close enough to hear them despite their low tone -- perhaps they were louder than he thought they were, too entrapped by the proximity. Regulus doesn’t need her telling anyone, if she wants to ask, she can do it when they’re alone.
Dorcas rolls her eyes and effortlessly gets Pandora and Xeno off of her and what she was going to say. Regulus finds himself distracted by the laughter and the joy of having his friend draped over his shoulder and the other two joking and mocking each other.
Regulus is happy here, he realises. With friends that care about him and don’t care about his strengths or his weaknesses. With friends that he can laugh and share his life with.
…
Regulus settles down into the metal chair, feeling the cold of it freeze his clothes then settle frostily against his skin, then seep into his bones. He has to breath manually, rending himself to take deep breaths while Prongs reminds him to breathe and that it’s just a simulation.
It doesn’t feel like just a simulation.
Regulus knows that he can get out of them quickly, if the first one is anything to go by, but the last one haunted his dreams. He found himself looking around every room that he entered, refusing to be entirely alone, just out of fear that the bus driver would be real and would come to grab him. Would take him off to a remote location once again. The man’s face appears in Regulus’ dreams, in his vision when he closes his eyes for too long.
It’s just a simulation, but it’s so much more than that.
Regulus’ nails are bitten raw and food can be hard for him to eat should he let himself just go off into his own mind and thoughts.
Regulus finds the strength from within him to close his eyes, allowing the serum to take over his consciousness.
It’s dark when he opens his eyes, he’s not in the simulation room anymore.
There’s a lantern against a wall near him, lighting up just enough around it that Regulus can see the walls of the space. Rough, jagged, like the Dauntless compound’s walls, but more jagged. Darker, looking as though they can cut him even he so much as nears the wall.
But he needs the lantern.
Regulus isn’t scared of the dark, but so far that’s the only things that’s come to him. Despite that, his heart races and he takes tentative, blind footsteps through the cave he’s in.
Halfway to the lantern, he realises belatedly that there’s a sound with every move he makes, joined by a slight pressure of movement around his ankles that hinders his ability to move fully.
It’s cold is his next realisation.
Regulus finally reaches the lantern, and it’s light flares when he pulls it off its hook on the wall, illuminating the space around him nearly fully.
The cave is small and Regulus can’t see the entrance to it anywhere. The walls are slightly blue.
He’s standing in ankle deep water, just next to a stretch of bare land. The cave is filled with water but there’s no raft or boat that he could’ve gotten in here with.
Regulus understands now.
He backs away towards the land above the water, feeling his breathing and heart rise as he watches the water ripple with things that he can’t see. Because why would the water move in a cave with no entrance if there’s nothing to move it?
Regulus doesn’t get to get fully away from the water when he starts to see something rising from under the water. It’s pale, and skinny when it finally surfaces. Its arms are twisted in weird directions and it crawls toward him, looking directly at him as more and more and more pop up from out of the water.
Regulus’ back hits the jagged stone wall, cutting through his shirt into his back.
The creatures get closer.
Regulus closes his eyes and forces himself to try and focus. Forces himself to figure out how to calm down.
He can hear the creatures, their bony hands wetly slapping against the stone of the ground beneath it, drawing near and near.
Breathing isn’t helping.
A cold, skeletal hand grasps at him clothing.
He can’t fucking breathe.
Ice cold seeps through his bones and freezes him.
The hand yanks as another touches him, wrapping tightly around his wrist. Regulus falls and winces as his head slams into the hard, jagged ground.
His vision goes out.
More hands on him, dragging him over the freezing stone.
He can’t breathe, but he needs to.
Regulus can feel the moment his body touches the water, feeling that cold grasp at him in a much more encompassing grip than creatures crawling all over him.
Drowning.
Regulus knows that he’s scared of drowning.
He can’t escape, there’s no way to get out of this.
“Find a way to get out of the situation or calm down.” Prongs’ voice echoes in his head, faint and not quite sounding like them.
Regulus is fully dragged under the water, being given another opportunity to take in one last breath before he’s fully pulled under the water.
His limbs go numb and he can’t differentiate between the cold of the water and the cold of the hands grasping at him.
He reminds himself not to panic, to figure out a way to get out of here.
Regulus forces himself to take a deep breath in, allowing the water to fill his throat, his lungs. The cold finally takes him over completely. He allows himself to be taken by the hands, further, further.
It’s hard. It’s horribly hard to let himself go and stop fighting against whatever the fuck these things are.
Regulus closes his eyes.
When he opens them a few moments later, after noticing that he can breathe, he’s back in the simulation room.
Regulus is so fucking cold. He can feel himself shivering in the chair. He closes his eyes again, pulling his legs up to his chest and curling in on himself, trying to get the faces and the feelings of hands against him out of his head. Out of his memory.
He realises that he still can’t breathe.
“Can I touch you?” Prongs asks, their voice low, standing just a couple steps away from him.
Regulus thinks for a while before letting out a shaky exhale, “My hand.”
They take that as enough, gently reaching forward and softly gripping his wrist, keeping their hold light. Regulus forces himself to not panic. Forces himself to differentiate between the cold hands of the creatures from the water and the soft, calloused ones of Prongs so he doesn’t panic at the feeling against his skin.
They bring it up to their chest, setting it right in the middle, resting on their breastbone, “Can you feel my breath?” Regulus forces himself to focus on where his hand is resting, trying to follow the way that his hand moves up and down. He nods. Prongs hums, “Good, try to match the breathing.”
It takes a moment, but eventually Regulus manages to calm down just enough. Prongs gently helps him from the chair, pulling him out of the room and bringing him speeding down a hallway. They’re not saying anything.
“What’s going on?”
Prongs stops, searching around them for a moment, then they sigh, “How did you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Breathe in, let yourself be dragged in?”
Regulus doesn’t seem to understand, “You said that to get out I either had to face my fear or bring my heartrate down, so I faced my fears.”
Prongs’ eyes widen and they desperately look around. They grab Regulus by the arm, firm but not enough that he couldn’t pull away if he wanted to. They bring him down another hallway and checks around them before leaning into him until their mouth is somewhat close to his ear, a shiver runs down Regulus’ back, “You’re Divergent.”
Regulus isn’t sure how to respond, but he feels his eyes widen and his body freezing. How did they know? He’s about to deny it before Prongs shakes their head, “I had a sense last time, but wasn’t sure. These simulations aren’t like the aptitude test, you can’t manipulate them because you shouldn’t be aware in them.” They heave a sigh, “I’ll delete the simulation recording, but I can’t do it again otherwise they’ll get suspicious of you, learn how to control it and make it less obvious. Or they’ll kill you.” And with that, they straighten, level him with one last look, and turn to walk back towards the simulation room.
Fuck.
Regulus hadn’t realised he was manipulating the simulation in a way that shouldn’t be possible.
But how does he stop?
He allows himself a couple more moments of shock and processing before he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and shakes his head. When he’s done, he straightens and takes himself further down the hallway Prongs took him into, coming across the net. The very net that he jumped down and gave him the name ‘first jumper’ and the one that led him to his new life.
His better life.
Because he’s free and he’s learning how to be strong.
And maybe, one day, he’ll find Sirius.
Regulus throws himself onto the net, feeling it bow and bend under him, making his movements unsteady as he crawls into the center of the intertwined ropes. Once he’s settled in the center, he takes a moment to gaze up at the hole, watching the edge of the building he jumped from.
Regulus closes his eyes and takes a couple deep breaths, allows the wind that sweeps into the top of the hole to dip down and caress his overwarm, overdamp skin. The remnants of the wind turning into a light enough breeze to just tousle his air and remind him that he’s real and he’s alive and he’s out of whatever body of water his mind might be in currently.
He doesn’t move for a long while, just breathing in and accepting the cooling, calming embrace of the wind over him.
…
Regulus feels like he can’t breathe when the image fades from his mind. He pulls his legs up to his chair like always. Prongs walks up to him and rests their hand on his arm, reassuring him and reminding him to breath like always. Regulus wrenches his arm from them like always.
“Fuck.” Regulus wheezes out, the breaths wracking from his so hard they hurt his lungs.
Prongs stands near him, not saying anything and not touching him, but just being there.
When Regulus finally starts to get his breathing, “I know it isn’t real.”
Prongs nods solemnly, “You don’t have to justify yourself to me.” They shake their head, “I understand.” But Regulus isn’t sure they do. He doubts they have to stand there, in their home, face their brother for the first time in years, and shoot him. He doubts they have to watch the man nod in understanding and hold still so the bullet hits the first time. He doubts they have to face their brother, who they’re sure hates them, and say goodbye in their old home once more.
Regulus takes in a shaky breath, “It’s the first time I’ve been able to see him in years.” He shakes his head, then takes in another breath and allows his knees to pull from his chest. Slowly, so he’s sure he has his balance, he stands from the chair. And only a bit faster, does he leave the room, only throwing once glance back at Prongs, who has now moved to their chair. He tries to ask them if they’re Divergent, if that’s how they knew. If they understand not because of what he went through but because of how it affects him.
They don’t answer.
Of course they don’t.
Regulus sighs and forces himself to look away from them, venturing out of the room and walking into the hallway. He finds himself going back to the net.
It takes a moment for him to crawl onto it, his body much slower with sluggish movements caused by the nightmares, by the lack of sleep. By the fear that has gripped him so hard. By the weight of the gun from his simulation weighing down his hand.
But once he’s on the net, he takes a moment, processing. Reflecting. Looking at why he chose to come here. What choices led him to hitting this net.
Has Regulus known fear?
He knew fear when he was in his home, when he watched his brother get beaten down, when he refused to speak up to the point where he wouldn’t speak for days at a time just to avoid his mother and father’s iron tongue. He knew fear when he would watch his brother climb down from the fire escape to hang out with his friends, worried that their parents would force the door open past the lock and discover him missing or that he’d fall to his untimely death down below.
Regulus knew fear when he had to look into the face of his parents knowing that he couldn’t stay, that he was going to leave. He knew fear when he was sure that they would read his thoughts and know what was going to happen. And force his hand to keep him with them, force him into a life that he wasn’t happy with. That he was scared of.
He joined Dauntless to face his fears, to become stronger than them. To become stronger than he was so he wouldn’t have to go through it ever again.
Regulus knew fear.
But he didn’t know how to look at fear. He didn’t know how to see fear as anything but something to cower from, something to control his action.
Regulus didn’t know how to confront it.
That’s what he’s learning in Dauntless, that’s why he chose this.
But it’s fucking hard. He’s had a couple more fears in the past few days, each one being just as hard to shake himself out of. Each one haunting his sleep on the occasion that he does actually get to sleep. Each one leaving him shaking throughout the day as they flash through his mind when he closes his eyes. They were mostly just repeats of others that he’s had previously, though today’s was…
It was Sirius. Standing across a dark room with him. Dark but identifiable by the portraits just barely visible at the end of the darkness, faces that Regulus spent far too many years feeling sneer at him because he wasn’t perfect. Because he wasn’t the heir. Because he was wrong. On the dining table that Regulus and Sirius spent far too many dinners terrified was a gun, small but heavy in his hands and loaded with one bullet. Behind him all too familiar voice of Rita Skeeter drilling Regulus, telling him to shoot him.
Regulus doesn’t close his eyes to compose himself, even if he wants to, because he knows Sirius’ face, bloody and with a new hole in it, will be awaiting him.
Regulus hates that it’s now the last time he’s seen his brother’s face. That it’s now the memory that will stick out when he thinks of Sirius.
Fuck those stupid simulations and their weird mind-reading bullshit.
Regulus knows fear, he’s well intimate with it. But he’s also learning to face it. Even if he’s struggling more than the others. He knows that the fear simulations are affecting everyone around him, he’s seen the bags under his friends’ eyes and the way they watch over their shoulders, but they still can go about the day mostly normally.
He feels like he’s the only one being haunted by the things he sees even in the daytime. They get to abandon the hauntings when they rise.
Maybe that’s the downside of being Divergent. He can get out of them faster but the fears strike into his heart faster and grasp until the blood is running down its cold, pale hands.
The wind picks up above him, whistling against the opening to the hole and whipping against him a bit harsher than before. It cools his still too warm skin and he takes a moment to convince himself it’s Sirius’ hand moving through his hair. It reminds him of the wind whipping through his hair as he fell.
Regulus realises that there’s always been something Dauntless about him, even if not as obvious as with Sirius. He realises that it was his bravery that led him to leave instead of his fear. It was him acting in spite of his fear.
He takes a couple deep breaths, closing his eyes and forcing any negative image out of his vision. He counts the breaths to ten, feeling the net move under his body with each one. And on the tenth breath, he opens his eyes. On the eleventh, he pushes himself from his rope-formed cocoon and back onto solid ground. By his twelfth, he’s on his feet and making his way down the hallway.
He counts his breaths as he walks, making them deep and long. Two steps to a breath.
Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen.
By twenty he’s back to areas of the compound that contain more people.
Twenty One. Twenty Two. Twenty Three.
By thirty five he’s in the hallway leading to the dorms. It’s barren. He slows down just a bit.
Thirty six. Thirty seven. Thirty Eight.
By forty, he’s at the door to the dorms, pushing it the rest of the way open and pushing in.
He’s not greeted by the scene he expected. Instead of a few initiates laying down or lounging around, there’s Snape standing against the far end with a chalkboard in hand. Prongs stands nearby, neither are looking at each other but Prongs is looking over at the initiates while Sirius gazes down at his own shoes like he’d rather be anywhere else.
“What’s happening?” Regulus mutters to Dorcas when he sidles up next to her, Pandora and Xeno on her other side.
“Stage two rankings are out today.”
Regulus furrows his brows, “I thought we were done with cuts for now.”
“We are. This is just to track our progress.”
Regulus nods, swallowing. He stares hard at the chalkboard turned so they can’t see the writings on it. He feels his stomach whirl and twist into knots at the sight of it, at the knowledge that he’s likely going to be doing well. He doesn’t want to do well. He wants to stay in the middle, stay unknown and undetected.
He remembers Snape’s approving gaze when didn’t flinch at Prongs throwing the knives at him. He doesn’t want that gaze turned on him for too long.
Regulus is comfortable with undetected. He prefers it, if anything. He’s gone his entire life staying in the middle, just good enough to keep going but not good enough to be detected by an authority figure. It allows him to stay hidden, allows him to not speak.
Snape finally turns his gaze up, looking over each of the initiates in the room, glaring at each one individually. Then he flips the chalkboard and hangs it up without another word, strolling out of the room just a moment later.
Chapter 9: They're Dying to Stop You
Notes:
I want to preface this with a trigger warning:
-Sexual assault
-Near death experiences
-Panic attacks
-Flashbacks to abuse
-Minor dissociation
-Implied transphobia and possible outing
This is all pertaining to the water fountain and the chasm scene in the book, so please tread lightly. This section is marked with "~~~~~~~~~~" and carries on until the end of the chapter. Take care, my loves
Chapter Text
Prongs remains in the room, though they don’t say anything as Snape’s movement uncovers the board. Regulus squints at it to see what it says from across the room with his still adjusting eyes and nearly swears.
There, at the top of the board. Right next to the number one, sits Regulus’ name in Snape’s horrid, scratchy handwriting.
Mulciber is in second, Pandora third, Xeno sixth, and Dorcas ninth.
And Regulus in first.
He doesn’t look away from the board, not even as he feels the pinpricks of eyes all throughout the room turning to gaze at him. All other than Prongs, who looks down at their hand unphased. Regulus can’t bring his eyes from the board, not when he notices how large the difference between his and Mulciber’s times are -- Mulciber’s time being around ten minutes and Regulus’, even with him trying to make his times more normal, is four minutes.
Pandora nudges his side, “Nice job, Reg.” Regulus nods, but he still can’t look away from the board. Still can’t look away from the shitty chalked-in handwriting that practically burns a target into Regulus’ back.
Mulciber, Avery, and Emmeline already hate him. They’ve always been out to get him for some reason. But this?
This is going to make things twelve times worse.
Regulus takes a couple deep breaths, trying not to remember Xeno’s screams as his arm was broken. Trying not to remember the way that he’s being forced to use his arm as much as possible despite it having just been broken.
Regulus watches Mulciber take a step towards him in the corner of his eye, and finally manages to tear his eye away from the board. But after he finally turns to look at the other, Mulciber turns and walks towards his bed giving Regulus only a moment to take in the hatred-fueled look that twists his face uncomfortably.
Regulus doesn’t move, just watches him.
Finally, Mulciber slams his hand into his bunk’s edge then turns and slams Regulus into the wall, “I’m not going to let a fucking Erudite be better than me.” He sneers, getting closer to Regulus’ face, Regulus forces himself not to flinch, not to react. Mulciber huffs, the breath spreading over his face, “How the fuck did you do it? I bet you paid off your little Erudite leader to let you do better than me. Rumor says your family has connections, yeah.” He fists his hands into Regulus’ shirt and pulls him from the wall, making him stumble a couple steps forward.
Regulus forces himself not to switch his gaze to Prongs, who is still fucking standing there, against that wall and acting like none of this is happening around them as Mulciber slams him back into the wall. Then it’s all he can do to not let out a reaction and keep his head from slamming into the jagged stone. He bites the inside of his cheek so he doesn’t give away how the impact of it against his back felt.
Xeno steps forward and grabs Mulciber’s arm, ripping him off Regulus, “Leave him alone, pick on someone your own size.”
Mucliber’s laugh his cruel as he throws Xeno’s hand off of his arm, “Oh fucking please. He may be smaller than me, physically but can’t ou see. Can’t you see that he’s just doing this as a game. He’s getting to you, going to worm his way into your head and push you out of the competition while hiding behind a fake smil- oh wait, he doesn’t smile. I wonder why.”
“Mulciber.” Regulus growls. He knows that Mulciber remembers who he is.
Who he was. He’s not a Black anymore.
But Xeno has still faltered. Mulciber gives him a triumphant grin and stalks out of the room, leaving them, with Emmeline and Avery just behind him. Prongs trails out of the room a moment later.
Regulus brushes himself off and gently touches the back of his head to make sure his fingers come back dry before switching his gaze to Xeno, “Thank you.”
But Xeno doesn’t seem to register it, instead just staring at Regulus, “Is he right? Are you manipulating us?”
Regulus breathes against the pain that rushes through his body, closes his eyes and takes a moment to push away the throbbing of his heartbeat that he can feel throughout his entire system, “How would I be manipulating you?” He clenches and unclenches his fists several times in hopes that’ll stop the uncomfortable sensation of his heart in them, “Why would I want to do that?”
“By acting weak.” Xeno frowns, “By letting yourself get beat then immediately jumping back up and showing how strong you are. Isn’t that weird? Besides, you’re a Erudite, you’re smart enough to figure out a way to manipulate people. And it’s not unknown that many Erudites lie and manipulate to get what they want.”
“He’s not a Erudite anymore.” Pandora breathes quietly. Xeno flashes his gaze at them for a moment, seemingly remembering that they’re Erudite, too. But they’re looking at Regulus, a calculating look in their eyes, like they’re trying to remember Regulus. Trying to remember who he was and where he came from.
He doesn’t want to know if they succeed.
“You two are being ridiculous.” Dorcas scoffs, pushing herself off of the wall she’s been leaning on, “He’s not lying. Or trying to manipulate us.” Pandora nods, but they don’t look convinced.
They walk up and take Xeno by the arm, pulling him out of the dorm room and leaving him with just Dorcas.
She walks up to him when the door is fully shut, reaching out and brushing off his sleeve, “Are you alright?”
Regulus sighs, “As good as I can be.” He shakes his head, swallowing, “Fuck.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he waves her off, “How are you feeling with your ranking?”
Dorcas sighs and straightens her shoulders with the exhale, “I’m not- I knew that I was struggling with it, it was obvious. I’m not happy with where I am, but I don’t think it’s going to cause me any issues.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He nods. Regulus doesn’t understand how Dorcas can be so sure of herself, how she can be so sure of the world around her, even being able to tell when someone is lying or not. “I’m going, can I be alone?”
She nods, understanding painting her gaze, “Do you want me to leave?”
“No, I’ll go.” And with that, he gives her one last shaky nod and walks out of the room.
Regulus finds the hallway he hid in when Xeno had his arm broken. He sits against the cold stone and wonders if being alone or being around the people that don’t trust him anymore is better.
He decides the companion of the oh-so familiar chill is good enough. It was what he always found comfort in, since his parents for some reason were adamant about having their home as cold as possible. If there wasn’t the warmth of Sirius around him, there was the hug of cold, more parental to him than anything Walburga and Orion ever did.
There are footsteps from down the hallway, making him pull his head from between his legs and gaze towards the sound.
“Regulus!” a familiar voice calls just as Regulus is able to register that there are three figures walking towards him, “What’s up man?” Finally they’re close enough that he’s able to register Barty, obviously the one talking to him, Evan, and Amelia striding towards him in the dingy light. The next thing Regulus notices is that Barty is holding a muffin in his hands, grinning at him wolfishly.
Amelia, however, is the one that walks fully up to him, the guys stopping just short. She crouches down next to him, turning her head and smiling, “Though we would find you here.”
“Why were you looking for me?” He finds the words hard and fuzzy as they fall from his mouth.
Evan shrugs with one shoulder, “Heard you got ranked first.”
Regulus finds a smirk he doesn’t fully feel blossoming on his face, “So you came here to congratulate me, remind me of how much better I am than all of you.”
“Something like that,” Evan huffs a laugh.
Amelia reaches out and pinches his knee gently, “We figured that someone should. Unfortunately, Prongs is emotionally stunted with their initiates and we figured your friends would be upset at you since they’re lower ranked.”
“Did you guys rank high?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Barty hums, “You’re not competition to us, no matter how good you are. Anyways, stop moping around and come with us.”
“What are you three up to?”
Amelia grins sharply at him, pushing herself up to stand properly and dusting non-existent dirt off her pants, “I’m going to shoot a muffin off Barty’s head.” Regulus finds himself laughing at it, especially when he watches Barty make a ‘cheers’ motion with the muffin, his grin coming back two fold.
These three are ridiculous and no doubt have a death wish.
Amelia reaches out her hand to help Regulus stand -- an act of kindness that Regulus still isn’t sure whether or not he’s shocked about in the compound -- and he finds himself taking it without a second thought. Barty and Evan start walking, and Amelia pushes Regulus into motion just behind them, grinning at him.
Regulus hums after a couple steps, just as they turn a corner, “Why are you shooting a muffin off Barty’s head?”
Amelia hums, “I was talking about my shooting and Barty bet that I couldn’t aim well enough to hit a small object from a hundred feet away.”
Evan nods, turning so he’s walking backwards so he can look at them, “And I bet that Barty didn’t have the guts to stand there while she tried.”
The girl nods, “It works out perfectly, really.”
The group is at the shooting range training room in under a minute and Amelia skips over to flick a light switch, making the shitty overhead lights flicker to life. The targets are left set up on the other end of the room and the table near the door holds an array of guns and knives. Regulus blanches, “They just leave those out?”
Evan nods, “Yeah, but they’re not loaded and everyone already owns a set of knives so…” He pulls up his shirt just a bit and pulls a gun from under the waistband of his pants sitting just under a tattoo that Regulus doesn’t get the time to process before the shirt is falling back into its place on his torso. He pulls a thing of ammo from his pocket and hands the gun to Amelia.
The girl takes it, then loads the gun and jerks her chin, “Go pick your favourite target, Barts.”
Barty grumbles about the nickname but practically skips towards one of the targets further down the line.
“You’re not actually going to shoot at him, are you?” Regulus hums, not knowing if he’s concerned or amused with the thought.
Amelia nods, “It’s not an actual gun, it’s just got some plastic pellets in it.” She walks over so she’s in line with the target Barty chose, Evan and Regulus following her and standing nearby, “It won’t kill, but it’ll still hurt like a bitch and probably welt if I miss and hit him in the face.”
Barty straightens himself and properly moves to stand in front of the target and gingerly places the muffin on his head. Amelia spread her legs and holds the gun up, taking a moment to aim.
“Pause!” Barty calls, reaching up to break a piece from the muffin top and pop it into his mouth, “Go ahead!” Amelia laughs and re-aims.
Regulus hums and turns away from her to let her figure out her shot, turning to Evan, “I take it this is you guys celebrating good ranks.”
Evan nods, “I got first, Barty got second, and ‘Melia got fourth.”
Amelia makes a sound, “She beat me by two seconds for third, it hardly counts.” And with that, she fires the gun, the sound making Regulus flinch just a bit. Barty doesn’t blink as it flies towards him and the muffin falls from his head, blueberry guts splattered against the shittily painted wood.
“We both win!” Barty shouts, hunching down to pick the muffin up and break another piece from it. Evan is just commenting on it and Amelia has moved to another target and started taking aim as the doors to the training room slam open and James, Lily, and Edgar stride into the room. A second later, the sound of a gun firing then a plastic pellet bouncing off the target sounds out.
“I knew I heard something in here.” Prongs comment, watching the three of them with an expression that seemed to be a mix of amusement and annoyance.
“I shouldn’t be shocked,” Edgar sighs, gesturing towards his sister, “You’re not supposed to be in here after hours.”
Lily smiles, “If you’re not more careful, Prongs will tell Snape.” Next to her, they roll their eyes at the thought. Amelia also rolls her eyes but unloads the gun and hands it back to Evan, who tucks it back into its place, as she strides towards the three, everyone following just behind her. Barty chomps at the muffin while Prongs moves away from the door and makes a dramatic gesture for them to exit.
Regulus waits until everyone, including Lily and Edgar have left, to stride out of the room, “You wouldn’t tell Snape.”
Prongs rolls their eyes once more, “Not in a million years, Regulus.” They reach down to rest their hand on the small of his back to usher him out, walking just behind him and letting the doors slam heavily into place behind the group. Ahead, Amelia and Edgar are pushing each other, Barty on their other side cackling. Evan talks animatedly with Lily just behind them.
Regulus goes to follow, but Prongs reaches out an arm and intercepts him. Regulus pauses and turns to them, though he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he waits for Prongs to put their words together, trying not to twitch under their gaze. Finally, after a couple seconds, by the time that their friends’ voices and laughter are mostly distant -- though how distant can it be when every sound bounces off the walls down here? -- Prongs finally clears their throat, “You should be proud of yourself for the ranking.” Regulus hums and goes to speak, but they hold their hand up and the voice dies in his throat, “I know what they were saying, but you do belong here. It’s-” they lick their lips and scratch their neck like they’re embarrassed and it takes everything within Regulus to push away how cute they look like this, “It’ll be over soon, just one more phase.”
Regulus watches them for a while, his heart pounding and bringing back the full-body throbbing that he was feeling earlier today. Regulus wants to do something- anything, but he isn’t sure he should.
Prongs’ hands are resting by their side, and he reaches out and gently grabs one of them. Prongs doesn't look away from him as they thread their fingers through his.
Regulus might die right here.
Neither of them say anything, neither of them look away.
It’s a long moment before Regulus decides to pull away before he acts any more irrationally. He unthreads their fingers, takes his hand back, and turns to run after the others. Prongs doesn’t catch up to them and he lies easily to the group that they stayed back to clean up after the initiates.
…
Regulus doesn’t go to dinner. He settles in a hallway for a while and Amelia, Barty, and Evan do a food run for him and the four of them sit and settle in, Barty and Evan sitting against the wall across from Regulus and Amelia, their legs tangled together while Amelia tells them stories about Edgar from when they were younger.
And when the other three get bored, they split paths and Regulus goes back to the dorm, finding no one else in there. It’s late enough that he changes into more comfortable clothes and climbs into his bed, shutting his eyes and pretending to be asleep as the other initiates filter in.
It’s only after about an hour when they all started coming in, when the room is filled with only the sound of huffed breaths of sleep, light snoring, and the shuffling of teens fueled by nightmares caused from their past several weeks as they turn around in bed, does Regulus finally get up.
He silently exits the dorm, feeling floaty as he heads down the hall to the ominously illuminated water fountain, getting a drink of water in hopes that it’ll help ground him. Regulus has only started to drink the cold water when there are voices, making him shuffle into the darkness of the alcove and hopes that it’ll hide him.
“So far we haven’t found any signs,” comes the vile, nasally voice of Tom Riddle. Regulus feels the words drip into his skin, just like he did every time he would hear him talking to his parents from his room.
There’s the familiar, cruel laugh of Rita Skeeter just a moment later, “Of course not, fighting shows you nothing other than who is weak. The simulations will have to be scanned several times over before traces are found. I will have my team look over them as soon as you have your technical team send it over.”
The voices are coming closer, just about to pass the alcove Regulus is hiding in and he hopes the darkness is able to hide him as well as it did back in his home. There’s almost a comfort in knowing that he’s always been able to hide from these two.
Riddle hums, “Will you have the Black family look over them this year?”
“I’ve considered it,” Rita sneers, “And Orion is pushing for it, however I think it would be best that they not. Not with their daughter being one of your initiates. No matter what they may say, that family can not be trusted, and I am sure they would try to lie about her, even if she ends up a Divergent rebel.”
Regulus goes cold at the words, feeling ice spread so quickly through his body it freezes the blood in his veins. Both at the word ‘Divergent’ and the mention of his family. Of him.
Suddenly he wonders why he decided it was a good idea to leave his family and put himself in the grasp of just another man that works with them. Why did he think it was a good idea to get away from everyone but fall right into Riddle’s trap?
Regulus hides his breath, makes each shudder of his chest to be as silent as possible. He’s done this before.
The footsteps and voices make their way down the hallway, getting further and further. The two of them stop in front of the door to the dorms but they move on not long after. Regulus doesn’t process any other words spoken between the two of them.
~~~~~~~~~~
Just as they’ve turned a corner and Regulus has let himself breathe semi-normally again, someone from behind grabs him, an arm around his waist that pulls him into a taller person’s chest. Regulus barely resists a scream, not wanting to alert Rita and Riddle that he might’ve been able to hear their conversation, when a hand is shoved over his mouth roughly.
Regulus fights against it, but he’s not strong enough to move it from his face and his arms are held firm and fast against his sides so he can’t lash out at his captor. A piece of black fabric comes to cover his eyes.
Bite a voice whispers, quiet and distant in his head.
He’s pushed to start walking and his mind starts racing.
When you… bite them… hard
Breathing gets hard, with the finger at the top of the hand against his nose and his panic.
“When you’re in a situation where you can’t properly fight back”, the voice comes full force, shaking Regulus to his core at the memory of Sirius’ voice, the way he softly yet firmly spoke as he bandaged Regulus’ arm, “bite them, as hard as you can. I don’t care where. Their arm, their hand, whatever, just make them lose it enough that you can fight.”
Regulus opens his mouth as much as he can and sucks in so his captor’s skin bends into his mouth then bites until he tastes blood.
“Ow, fuck.” A feminine voice hisses behind him.
“Shut the fuck up,” Regulus is quick to recognise it as Mulciber, “and keep his fucking mouth covered.”
Hands come forward and grab at his arms, and then his hands are being tied behind his back. Regulus tries to rear his head back into the chin of the person holding him, but they -- he assumes Emmeline -- steps away too fast.
There are three people, Regulus is able to identify past his rising panic. Avery, likely on his left, Emmeline behind him, and Mulciber to his right, his hands roaming around Regulus’ body in a way that makes him hold back a gag. Emmeline’s hand returns to his mouth.
Regulus isn’t sure when they got to the chasm, isn’t sure when the noise of the rapid water crashing against the walls started filtering into the air, but it’s here now full force. He forces himself to hold back a scream.
“Lift him, hurry.” Mulciber commands at his side.
Regulus screams, he thrashes as much as he can. He bites at the hand again, but it just comes back quickly, right after smacking him across the face.
All of their hands are on him, making his skin crawl, as he’s pushed up against the metal poles of the railing. The water-slicked cold seeps into his nightshirt, freezing him. Droplets of water rush against his neck.
Regulus isn’t going to make it.
The hands getting handsy with him earlier -- Mulciber’s -- push him so his back is arched uncomfortably against the railing.
Regulus’ feet leave the ground.
He’s going to survive. He won’t let these people win.
Mulciber’s hands raise up to his chest and there’s a sound, “Oh, what is this?”
Another hand goes to cup his chest as well, and Emmeline lets out a cruel laugh, “Looks like little Regulus has a secret to hide.”
Regulus is going to vomit.
He tries to scream, but the awkward angle doesn’t let the sound properly leave his lungs. It comes out more as a heave.
The hands let go of him, dropping him onto his feet and sending a pang up his legs. He finds whatever limb closest to him and bites down again, going until the metal taste fills his senses once more. There’s a grunt of pain then something strikes against Regulus’ face.
He drops to the hard ground like a stone, his elbows slamming into the jagged edge near the railings. He brings his hands up to try and remove the blindfold and block his face.
Regulus can’t breathe.
He can’t fucking breathe.
A foot digs into his side.
A hand grabs him by his hair while he’s reaching for his blindfold, grabs it in a stinging grip, and slams his head back into the bottom pole of the railing. Regulus feels dizzy.
The hand leaves his hair and he finds the blindfold in his fingers, finally pulling it off his head.
It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust, but when it does he sees dark walls.
Not dark like the stone. Not jagged.
They’re green and black, wallpapered and littered with paintings that always follow Regulus, as if telling him that he’s not worthy.
As if telling him the kick to his side is worth it because he didn’t get a perfect score on his test.
A hand grabs at his throat, bringing his eyes from the walls to a pale, snarled face that comes in and out of focus. Icy blue eyes and dark hair, teeth snarling at him and spitting venomous words his mind can’t process.
Regulus always did look too much like his mom.
The hand lifts him by his throat as black spots edge his vision, lifts him back up to the chasm.
There’s a shout. The hand leaves his throat and Regulus slams down onto the railings, his armpits catching against the metal and leaving him hanging there above the rushing water.
Regulus can’t breathe and his vision is foggy but he watches a body hit the ground with a scream, hit by someone else.
Green flickers between jagged gray.
The cold of the water licks at his feet and he forces himself to push away the images of the floor below them.
It’s Avery on the ground, not Orion or Walburga.
Avery.
And the person kicking at him has their face contorted in anger. Their skin is dark, made even more so by the dimmed night lighting in the hallway.
They turn to him, and warm brown eyes meet Regulus’.
“Prongs.” It comes out weak and the word ‘Sirius’ shapes his lips so it’s distorted.
They run up to him and their warm arms wrap around Regulus’, pulling him up and over the railing. Regulus still can’t breath and his vision still swims as they bring him into their arms and their chest with a hand under his knee.
Regulus finds Prongs’ shoulder as he tries, and fails, to calm his breathing. The world goes dark around him.
Chapter 10: But For Now It's Time to Run
Chapter Text
There’s a mural on the ceiling of whatever room Regulus finds himself in when he finally manages to open his eyes. It’s got several colours part of it, making up a shape that he can’t quite determine with his eyes fading in and out of clarity. There’s the sound of running water to his side, but it’s not rapid and angry like the water from the chasm, more akin to faucet.
It takes a moment for Regulus’ eyes to properly adjust, finally taking in the small room he’s in. There’s a throbbing in his head and cheek and he can’t feel like he can take a proper breath. As much as he knows he shouldn’t move, he doesn’t appreciate only being able to fully see the decorated ceiling, so he slowly turns himself to the side, ignoring the horrid sensations it sends through his body.
He’s laying on a dark red pillow with a patchwork blanket covering him up to his shoulders. And now, with this new angle, he can make out Prongs standing in the bathroom, their hands in the sink in front of them. Regulus watches as the clear water turns red as it runs from their knuckles, cleaning off the skin. There’s a cut in the corner of their mouth and their knuckles are already bruising over, but they seem otherwise fine.
If they know Regulus is awake, they don’t make it known, just shutting off the water and drying their hands with a blank expression. They turn off the light to the bathroom and shut the door behind them as they exit it, walking over to their small kitchenette and grabbing an ice pack from the freezer and walking towards the bed. They don’t react when they make eye contact with him.
“You hands.” Regulus breathes as they near him. They don’t respond, simply putting one of their knees on the mattress and shifting their weight towards him. He watches as the very hands he was talking about reaches out, once cradling under his head to lift it while the other puts the ice pack down on the pillow. Regulus reaches forward and traces his thumb over the cut on their lip.
Prongs sighs as they pull away, gently grabbing his wrist and pulling his hand away from their face, “I’m fine, Regulus.”
“How did you find us?”
“I stayed late in the control room and was coming back from it. I walk past the chasm on the way to my apartment and heard a scream.” They guide his hand back down to the bed and let go of his wrist.
“What happened to them?”
They shake their head, “I brought Avery to the infirmary after I brought you here. Mulciber and Emmeline ran.”
“How is Avery?”
“Oh, do you actually care about him?”
Regulus huffs, “I’d rather see him dead than care about him.”
They give him a sharp grin, something that reminds him of their grin when they first met the initiates and were trying to get the group to listen to them, “He’ll live. I don’t know in what condition, but I’m sure the infirmary will do their best with him.” Regulus feels the words throughout his body, lighting up at the idea. He matches Prongs’ grin as best he can with the bruising against his cheek.
Suddenly, Prongs crouches down next to the bed, taking a moment to settle on the ground in front of him and reaching forward to gently cup his cheek. They wipe their thumb along his cheekbone and it’s only then that Regulus realises he’s crying, that there are tears trailing down his face. There’s no sympathy in Prongs’ eyes, only gentleness in their touch, and Regulus wouldn’t want it any other way.
After a couple moments, they sigh, “I could report this.”
Regulus shakes his head, ignoring the way it whites out his vision for a moment, “I don’t want them to think that they scared me.”
“I figured.”
“I’m going to sit up.”
Prongs smiles at him, “I’ll help you.” And with that, they stand and grab one of his shoulders and the other hand to help guide him as he sits up, ignoring the way the pain of his body stabs through him with the most miniscule of moments. Regulus nearly feels like he’s going to blackout by the time he’s leaning against the headboard, and he groans. Prongs pulls their hands from his body and hands him the ice pack again, “You’re allowed to be in pain with me.”
Neither of them talk for a while, and Prongs moves away from Regulus so he has privacy to wipe the drying tear-tracks from his face and compose himself. They grab a glass from their cabinet and fill it with water, handing it to him, “I would suggest you rely on your friends from now on.”
Regulus heaves a heavy sigh, for once delighting in the sensation of pain it brings to his ribs, as he grabs the water from them, “I thought I was. But… Pandora and Xeno believed Mulciber.”
They hum, “Both of them transferred from good homes with good friends and families. They likely haven’t come across many people who may not be from the best place, especially with Pandora since I’m sure they were kept sheltered from shit families.” Regulus tries not to wince at the plain words. He knows they’ve seen his fears, knows that they’ve witnessed the way he’s scared of his family. He knows they’ve seen his parents’ face, and that they likely met Sirius at one point here. They push on, “I know he didn’t give away your family situation, but he implied you didn’t come from the best background and it’s likely they’ve been raised with the idea that a bad family means a bad person.”
Regulus swallows at the idea of being blissfully unaware of bad families. Then he wonders how Prongs can understand so easily.
“They won’t be jealous if you are vulnerable around them, whether it’s real vulnerability or not. They’ll learn that it doesn’t matter about your background if you open up, hard as that can be.”
“You think I have to pretend to be vulnerable, Prongs?” He asks, not sure if he’s amused by the thought or confused.
Prongs is strong in their nod, “I do.” They grab the ice pack from him and holds it to his curls, letting his arm drop and relax since it’s grown tired. Regulus feels his body alight at the simple motion, at the simple idea that Prongs really thinks he’s strong -- even if they’ve said it several times in various ways. They lick their lips, “I know you’ll want to march into breakfast and show those three that it doesn’t matter what they try to do to you. But leaning into your injuries may be better.”
Regulus makes a face and it makes them laugh a bit, “I know you don’t want to, but you have to.”
He shakes his head, “No, I can’t… not when they-”
Their face darkens, “What did they do?”
“They… touched, me.”
“They touched you?” The icy tone sends shivers down Regulus’ back.
He shakes his head, “Not- not like that. But, it got close.” Nevermind the fact that they felt his chest. That they know he’s not flat-chested like he should be or pretends to me. Suddenly, Regulus grows conscious of the fact that he’s sitting in just his loose shirt in Prongs’ room with no binder and his chest… Regulus forces his gaze down into his lap, he doesn’t want to look at Prongs. Doesn’t want to accidentally reveal anything to them.
Prongs sighs after a couple seconds, “As much as I hate to say it, and I know you’ll hate it, it’s more important for you to be safe than right in this situation.” They bring their free hand to his chin and gently guide him to look up at them, their eyes meeting him and melting Regulus, “You are stronger than you know, Regulus. I don’t want any of this to make you lose that knowledge, and it won’t change how I think. But acting weak is in your best interest.”
Regulus sighs and it’s all that he can do to not surge up and close the space between them. It’s all he can do to force the image of their eyes fluttering shut away. He nods slowly.
Prongs nods back, “But the second you see the opportunity,” their hand tightens on his jaw marginally, eyes going sharp, “crush them.”
“Do you realise how scary you can be Prongs?”
“Do you realise how scary you can be, Regulus?” They shoot back. Then, “And don’t call me that, please.”
“What should I call you?” They don’t respond, just shrug and drop his jaw, turning and walking back into the bathroom, door shutting behind them.
Regulus doesn’t go back to the dorms. Prongs come back into the room not much later in their own set of comfortable clothes not long after and grabs some extra blankets to make themself a little bed on the ground nearby so Regulus can get some proper sleep in his own space.
Regulus watches him for a while after their soft, huffing breaths let him know that they’ve likely fallen asleep. Their eyes are closed when he peeks over the edge of the bed at them, their lashes softly brushing against their dark cheeks and their lips slightly parted.
He watches them, wondering how much of the real Prongs he’s seen.
He knows that he’s seen more than the other initiates, that point made obvious by the soft but tough way they treat him and the fact that he’s here, sleeping in their bed with them on the floor. He knows from the way that Xeno and the others talked about Prongs when they were drunk near the chasm.
But how much of the real Prongs has he seen. How hidden or fake would their friends say they are when watching them interact with them. Would they notice the difference?
Nonetheless, Regulus hopes that he can get to see more of them like this, something more real, after tonight. Hopes that they’ll continue to let him in. They’re a bit rough around the edges and some of their words are clipped, but they’re intelligent and calculating and kind and that’s enough. They view him as strong, haven’t looked down upon him in his low moments.
Regulus dreams of nothing, for the first time since this whole thing started -- especially since the simulations have started.
When he awakens, his entire body feels like it’s on fire. He’s sore and tries to silence his grunts as he pushes himself to sit up, feeling like he needs to hunch in on himself when he stands up.
There’s a wall mirror near the bathroom, next to a dresser, that he hobbles over to, taking in his body. Looking at the swollen and discoloured bruise that takes over his cheek. He doesn’t dare pick up his shirt, even figuring that Prongs is in the bathroom, to look at the damage along his ribcage and sides from the assault the previous night.
Regulus sighs, knowing that he’s going to have to walk out there like that.
Prongs walks out of the bathroom, running a towel haphazardly in their hair -- in a way that hurts Regulus, as someone who takes pride in taking care of his curls -- and some comfortable dark clothes. A sliver of their abs shows from under his hemline with the motion and Regulus resolutely drags his eyes away from it, focuses on poking at the bruise on his face and wincing with it.
“Hello,” he says quietly, watching them in the mirror.
“Good morning,” Prongs says, voice rough from disuse. They walk up to where he stands and gently cups his cheek, turning him to look at them. They move their fingers to trace over the bruise, “Better than it was last night. How are you feeling?”
Regulus breathes, “I’ll be fine.” He ignores the throbbing at the back of his head, having had it bashed into one too many walls and objects yesterday in interactions with Mulciber’s group. But at least he’s alive this morning.
Prongs smiles and nods, “That’s all we can ask for at this point.” Their hand drops to his side, and Regulus’ breath hitches, even if they make the motion, “How is your side and ribs?”
“Not bad, it only hurts to breathe.”
They huff a laugh at that, their teeth showing with their grin, “Not much we can do there.” The two of them stand there for a while, Prongs’ hand resting on the curve of his waist, a thumb going just under his ribcage, and keeping their hand there and only there. They watch each other a while before Prongs finally turns away and lifts their hand, leaving burning mark against Regulus’ side in its wake, “I’ll leave and go in first. See you soon.” And with that, he nods and strides out of the room.
Regulus sighs and walks to the door after it shuts, giving Prongs a couple minutes to get far enough away.
But he’s also giving himself enough time to be weak.
It’s something Sirius taught him. How to be weak in his or Sirius’ room, only for a couple moments. He taught Regulus how to feel his pain in a way that will teach him how to fight it when he exited the room. So he leans against the wood grain of the door and closes his eyes, takes deep breaths and allows himself to wince at the pain it brings him.
Even if he has to pretend to be weak, it takes the strength of both fighting and leaning into his pain.
With a last couple of breaths, he opens his eyes and pushes himself away from the door. He throws it open, makes sure that it’s locked, and heads out of the apartment.
The walk to the dining hall is slow, with him leaning against the wall all the way through. He pushes into the dining hall, reminding himself to curl in just a bit more than he normally would -- reminding himself that he needs to be weak instead of pretending to be strong like Sirius taught him -- and hobbles over to the table he, Pandora, Xeno, and Dorcas always sit at.
No one says anything for a long while and Regulus is far too aware of the stares of his friends on his face and his hunched form. Not until Barty slides onto the seat next to him, watching him silently.
“What happened?” Dorcas asks, her voice softer than he’s heard it.
Regulus swallows as he tries to reach for a piece of toast, biting back a hiss at the feeling of stretching himself out, “Mulciber, Avery, and Emmeline.” Barty pushes Regulus back into his seat then reaches for the toast he was going to grab for him while Regulus moves his eyes over where Mulciber, Avery, and Emmeline sit. Mulciber and Emmeline sit looking far too smug back at him, but Avery is long gone meaning he’s still in the infirmary. Regulus’ inside warms.
“Oh my God.” Pandora mutters, watching him.
Barty hands him the toast he grabbed as well as a couple different toppings for him to spread onto it should he please, “Are you all right?”
Across the way, Mulciber makes explicit eye contact with Regulus and -- as much as he beats himself up for it -- he forces himself to shrink just a bit and look away. Regulus breathes, feeling the sting of it and letting it glass his eyes over, “I could be better.”
Beside him, Barty gestures for Evan and Amelia to walk over to them, and the other Dauntless-born’s do, settling down on Barty’s other side.
Pandora doesn’t pay them any mind, “That’s hardly fair, the three of them against you.”
Dorcas snorts, “Yeah, because that group is all about fair. It’s why he broke Xeno’s arm.” She gestures belatedly to the uncomfortable way Xeno rests his arm on the table as if to prove her point.
Then Avery walks into the dining hall, far more than ‘bruised’. Once more, Regulus feels a pang of warmth dive through his system. A split lip, a cut through his eyebrow, bandages around his hair and arms. He doesn’t look up on his way to the table with the other two, doesn’t look at Regulus. Doesn’t look at Prongs.
Prongs is grinning when Regulus manages to find where they’re sitting, and while it looks like it may be at something their friends said, their gaze is very explicitly set on Avery and there’s a lilt to the look.
Amelia hisses, “Did you do that?”
Regulus shakes his head, ignoring the way it fucks with his vision and makes him lightheaded, “No, I was blindfolded so I didn’t see anything, but someone came and rescued me before I-” he shakes his head, closing his eyes and taking a very real, shaky breath at the idea of the events of last night, of the spray of water against his back and the cold of the railing against his body, “Before I got tossed into the chasm.”
Pandora blanches, “They were going to kill you?” They whisper, gentle eyes looking watery.
“I don’t know if that was their full intention, but they sure got close.” He rolls his shoulder, wincing at the motion.
“We have to do something about this,” Barty breathes, dark in his tone.
“Like what, beat them up?” Dorcas snaps.
Evan rolls his eyes, “Edge them out of the rankings, make it so they don’t get to be actual Dauntless members. Ruining their opportunities will be far more hurt than actual physical pain.” The group doesn’t get to concede before Prongs stands up and claps his hands to grab the room’s attention.
They shout, “Transfers, you’re coming with me today.” And with that, they shoulder through the dining hall to the exit. Everyone stands up and Amelia joins them, striding towards Regulus with a sincere look on her face, placing a hand on his shoulder, “Be careful.”
“We’ll keep him safe.” Dorcas hums. She links her arms with his and the two of them stride off, Pandora and Xeno just behind them.
They follow behind Prongs, who meets them and the other three initiates at the exit before silently strolling through the hallways. No one really talks as the group walks, and Prongs certainly doesn’t answer any questions that may have been thrown their way.
It’s only when they’re making their way up a flight of stairs and Regulus is contemplating throwing himself backward down them from how much pain he’s in -- he feels horrible for the amount of weight he has resting on Dorcas -- that Pandora comes up to be level with him and Dorcas, leaning into him, “I never apologized. For what I said during capture the flag.”
Regulus shakes his head. At first he’s not going to forgive them, nor are they going to forgive Xeno for the distrust they so easily found in him. But then Prongs’ voice echoes in the back of his head, telling him to depend on his friends. And he breathes a sigh and waves them off, “It’s fine.”
Pandora watches him for a while, but eventually, decides to leave it at that. They lean over and start up a conversation with Dorcas while they ascend further than Regulus realised the compound was capable of going. He turns back to see Xeno looking beneath them with a pale face and he pauses, letting his arm slip from Dorcas’ so he can throw it around Xeno’s and pretend as though he needs the support. Xeno squeezes his wrist in silent thanks but doesn’t otherwise react, just focuses on helping Regulus walk.
As the group begins nearing the glass ceiling, Prongs turns around and begins walking backwards, showing their deft knowledge and comfort of the compound. Their eyes land on Avery, trudging in the back of the group and they get a sharp grin on their face, “Avery, we’re not going to be waiting on you all day long, pick up the pace.” And with that, they step out onto the glass ceiling, allowing the sun to bathe over Prongs’ warm skin, making them golden.
Regulus feels breathless.
While the group continues walking across what has now become a walkway, Regulus takes the time to look around. Pay attention to the several Dauntless members fettering around. Two are fighting each other with sticks, laughing and stumbling around when the other manages to dodge. Nearby, their friends are shouting at them with flasks in their hands. Other Dauntless members are settled around doing various vaguely dangerous or wild activities. The tops of crumbling buildings around the compound obstruct the full skyline.
Across the glass ceiling, Prongs props open a metal door and gestures for the group to enter before them, walking in behind them and letting the door heavily slam shut. The room is both completely different from the compound and not at all unexpected. There are no proper walls, just graffitied bricks and exposed pipes. Above them are vaguely flickering fluorescent lights with some of their shitty covers missing.
Prongs walks into the center of the room, the contrast of the sickly pale light completely different against their skin than the warm sun. Just behind them, stark against their silhouette, is a tag in bold colours reading ‘Fuck Authority’, the word Dauntles right under it in cooler tones of pain, likely done by the same person. They gesture around the room, “This is where a different kind of simulation happens, called the fear landscapes. You won’t see this room next time you’re in here, but this will be the room you’ll experience it in.”
“All of your fear simulations have been tracked and recorded into our system, as with all of the information it’s been tracking in your amygdala stimulation. These will be projected into you in a similar fashion to the simulation, but you will be aware and fully conscious of your actions. You will be faced with all of your fears, which will be how we know your final number of fears.”
Regulus breathes a sigh of relief, no more pretending to not be aware in his simulations like he’s been forcing himself to do. He can be aware, can be conscious and quick with his fears. But how will he compare when he doesn’t have the advantage -- even if he wasn’t ending the fears as quickly as he could, he was still using his ability to his advantage. How will he measure up?
“In this, you will learn the final part of your training. How to hone your mind, your emotions, and your body at once. We’ve taught you how to harness your emotions and your body separately, but now we will combine it. Your final test will be going through your fear landscape for the first time as quickly as possible in front of the Dauntless leaders. That will decide your final rankings.” They don’t wait for confirmation from the group, just push on to explain how to get out of each fear in the landscape: either steady your heartbeat or face your fear. They advise everyone to spend time reviewing their fears.
Mulciber sneers, “That’s not fair, what if someone has twice as many fears as someone else?”
Prongs laughs coldly, taking a step towards him, “You wish to talk about fear, Mulciber?” Another step, “I understand your worry,” two steps, “your act last night shows that you are a coward.” They nearly chest to chest with him now, “Since you believe the easiest way to get to the top is to cheat instead of fight.” Xeno squeezes Regulus’ wrist once more and Dorcas bumps her hip into his and Regulus finds a smile.
Prongs stares at Mulciber for a long moment before they pull away and make their way back to where they were standing before, “But to answer your question, we all face our fears differently. Perhaps someone that has, say, twenty fears, may be less scared of each thing and will have an easier time facing those fears. Similarly, if someone has only seven, they may be much larger, more dominating fears. That’ll vary the time.” They make their way back over to the door and open it again, allowing the initiates to file out once more, “We all have our own challenges, which is why we must learn to face them.”
…
Regulus is shaken awake by a hand on his shoulder. Pandora looks back at him when he finally becomes aware enough to look around and take in the situation around him. Their face is ashen, “Come quickly.”
“What happened?” Regulus surges up, slipping on his shoes.
“One of the initiates was found dead.” They rush out, pulling him out of the empty dorm room, “We don’t know who it is yet. They’re pulling the body out of the chasm right now.” Regulus breathes out a swear and rushes, as quickly as his damaged body will allow him, down the hallway with Pandora until they’re abreast with Xeno and Dorcas, standing near the front of the group gathered in the chasm.
Two Dauntless members stand at the railing, grunting as they pull ropes up and over the metal poles. After a couple moments, a dark shape comes up over the ledge and several other nearby Dauntless rush forward to pull it back onto solid ground. The eyes stare forward into the crowd, dead and dull.
The body lolls over to face the crowd, skin swollen with water and blue. Pandora grips Regulus’ arms, their nails digging into his skin. They turn their head to hide from the view.
One of the Dauntless members that hauled the body up sighs, “Damn.”
“What happened to him?”
Another breathes, “Same thing as every year. One of our initiates can’t take it so they pitch themselves over the edge.”
Regulus isn’t sure how to feel as a couple people he recognizes to be part of the infirmary crew come forward and slowly put the body into a black bag, taking care of each of his limbs. He hasn’t been sheltered from death, far from it, but very rarely has he been this close to a dead body, even of someone he didn’t know.
He didn’t know this initiate. He’s sure that he’d seen them a couple times in the second phase of the training or the dining hall, but he can’t place his name. A glance towards where Amelia, Barty, and Evan stand, they knew him. He can’t tell what the three of them are thinking, blank-faced as the move out of the way so Edgar can guide the infirmary crew away.
Next to him, Pandora sobs and Xeno stands frozen. Dorcas seems cold as well, and Regulus can’t help but wonder what she might’ve seen.
Regulus breathes, “Let’s go to bed.”
“I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep after that.” Pandora shakes their head. Xeno hums his agreement.
Dorcas hums, “Think we can get into the kitchen for something warm to drink?” And Regulus figures he can finesse his way well enough. He tells his friends to start walking before him and heads over to Barty, Evan, and Amelia.
“It’s not as good as your regular activities, but would you three like to join us in the kitchens?” The three of them are silent, looking at each other in seemingly silent communication before they do their various motions of assent and the four of them go to join the other three.
“You seem concerningly unaffected about this compared to your friends.” Barty observed.
“So do you,” Regulus retorts.
“He was shitty. What’s your excuse?”
Regulus just shrugs.
Chapter 11: The Sun Will Be Guiding You
Chapter Text
“You seem weirdly fine with this.” Dorcas notes while they’re getting ready, both relatively silent and alone in the dorms.
“Unfortunately, I’m more comfortable with the concept of death than I’d like to me.” Regulus sighs, changing out of his shirt since they’re the only two in the dorm room. Normally he would head to the bathroom or ask that Dorcas look away from him, but she already knows. Already saw the edges of his binder when they were training together late at night because neither of them could sleep and he lifted his shirt thoughtlessly to wipe sweat away from his face. She hadn’t said much about it, but later that night as they were getting ready she told him she supported him and to ask her if he ever needed anything. Neither of them talk about it.
Nor does she ask him to elaborate, so Regulus pushes on, “You seem fine with it, too.”
The girl shrugs with one shoulder, “Candor doesn’t shield people from death, it would be lying to them. When my aunt died, they sat me down and told me everything they could.”
“Makes sense.”
She nods. “Ready to go?” Dorcas asks, tugging on her shoes. Regulus nods and slots his arm into hers when she offers up her elbow. The two of them head out of the dorms silently and down into the Pit, which reeks of alcohol. The members are wearing what Barty deemed as the ‘Dauntless best’ which is all of the members wearing as little clothes as possible so as to show off their tattoos and piercings, though Amelia explained that it wouldn’t be full Dauntless best and most would still be wearing their shirts and pants.
The two find Barty, Evan, Amelia, Pandora, and Xeno standing together. Pandora’s face is puffy and their eyes are red, Xeno seems put off, and Barty is holding a silver flask that he offers to Regulus and Dorcas when they approach. Dorcas takes it from him and takes a big swig, but Regulus rejects it.
Snape stands on top of a box next to the Pit railing, commanding that everyone quiet down and pay attention to him. Regulus crosses his arms and distractedly looks around the room, only keeping half an ear on him.
Suicide is an interesting topic to Regulus. While he may be comfortable with death, suicide wasn’t something that really happened in Erudite, everyone thought it was illogical. That’s not to say there weren’t people who had considered, Regulus himself did a couple times, but in the end, everyone else had better things to do.
When the room is finally silent enough, Snape starts, “We are gathered here because, as you all know, Xavier, a Dauntless initiate, jumped into the chasm last night. We don’t know why, and it would be easy to mourn his loss. But we are Dauntless, and we don’t take the easy path, so we will honour a soldier that has been sent to a new adventure. A man who was brave enough to explore the unknown for us, a man who was brave enough to jump into the dark, rapid waters of the chasm to face it. He wasn’t yet a Dauntless member when he died, but he was born a Dauntless for a reason, and it was proved this day that he was worthy of us.”
At the words, a cheer rises up from around Regulus and his friends in the pit, though even Barty, Amelia, and Evan seem upset at the idea. Just as Pandora, Xeno, and Dorcas look about as upset as Regulus feels at the words, at the speech. Barty passes the flask around the group as Evan pulls out another one from somewhere on his body and takes a large swig.
“Tonight,” Snape continues, making acid rise into Regulus’ throat. He’s sick of hearing his voice already. Snape doesn’t seem to care and pushes on, “We shall honour Xavier for his braveness!” Someone passes him a dark bottle and he takes a large drink before raising up his glass and shouting, “To Xavier the Courageous!” And with that, everyone around the group starts chanting his name.
Regulus huffs, rolls his eyes, and walks from the group and out of the Pit. He shoulders his way through the crowd, even as some of the members begin to spill out into the various walkways. He walks until he gets to the water fountain and pushes away the phantom feeling of a hand against his mouth as he leans down to get a drink in the shitty lighting.
“Regulus.”
Regulus barely manages to suppress his jolt at the words as he turns around. Prongs is standing against the wall across from him, just barely under the cold blue lighting that causes a deathly shadow to shade their face. He hums bitterly, “Shouldn’t you be paying your respects?”
“Marlene’s got that handled for me.” They shrug with one shoulder, “They’re a partier.” They jerk their chin towards him, “Shouldn’t you?”
“I didn’t know him, why pay respects to someone you didn’t respect?”
“Do you only respect people you know?”
“Only those that I know deserve it. I don’t know if he deserved it.” Regulus shrugs.
James hisses jokingly, “Harsh.”
“I don’t have much care for people, I should use what I have sparingly.” He sighs, leaning against the wall near the water fountain and crossing his arms, “This is ridiculous. I didn’t know him, but he wasn’t brave for pitching himself off the edge, he was depressed. Why should we respect encouraging death instead of encouraging getting fucking help?”
“We don’t get help here in Dauntless,” Prongs says sharply, but Regulus finds that it’s not aimed towards him. That it’s instead aimed towards the system that doesn’t allow them help even if they need it. The system that calls suicidal people brave instead of what they were: people in need of help. “Besides, what do you want them to do? Condemn him? He’s dead, he can’t hear it anymore.”
“It’s not about it, it’s about stimulating the ideal that throwing yourself over the fucking edge instead of reaching out is going to get you honoured. So why don’t we all fucking do it if it makes us the bravest out there?”
“Careful.” They warn.
“Oh fuck that! Are you so complacent with this fucking system that all you can say is careful?”
Prongs surges forward and grabs his arm, pulling him away from the water fountain, “Shut the fuck up.” They bring him down several hallways before getting into his face, “I’m not going to say this again, but you’re being watched. And if you don’t watch what you say, if you don’t act like you’re learning to like their system, they’ll be fucking after you.”
“Let go of me.” Regulus hisses. Prongs’ hand springs from his wrist and he straightens, pulling back just a bit.
The two of them watch each other for a while, silent.
Then, Regulus mutters, “Are they watching you too?”
Prongs doesn’t respond, just stares resolutely past him, “I’m trying to help you, but you keep being stubborn and resisting it.”
Regulus scoffs, “Oh yeah, because you’re doing so much to ‘help’ me. My favourite way of helping people is stabbing them in the fucking ear while taunting me and targeting me with your helping. Helping me is walking out of a room when I actually fucking need help, like getting the shit beat out of me. Sure.”
“Taunting you?” Prongs questions, “I wasn’t taunting you.”
“Then the fuck were you doing?”
“Reminding you why you were standing in front of the target in the first place.”
“Why?”
Prongs sighs, “You’re an annoyingly self-righteous prick, Regulus. You’re bravest when you’re fighting against something you think is wrong, even if it means becoming selfless and putting yourself in a dangerous situation.” Regulus wants to spit at them that he’s not selfless. The words burn acid into his skin, remembering the amount of times he would hide and keep himself from pain even if it meant Sirius would suffer for him because he wasn’t brave enough to face the pain. He reminds himself of all the times Sirius would take the blame for him and wonders if Sirius might’ve been better off in Abnegation.
Prongs doesn’t seem to notice Regulus’ self-deprecating thoughts and they push on, “If I were you, I would work on keeping your self-righteous denial of authority or anything that violates your expectations to yourself instead of speaking out, even if it would be the right thing to do.”
“Why shouldn’t I? Isn’t standing up for what’s right a virtue of being brave?”
“It’s not what they classify as brave, and therefore it’s not part of their system.” Prongs shakes their head, “They want you to fall into their beliefs, to not argue against them and make it seem normal to their new initiates that way that can get everyone to act how they expect and train them to. It’s easier to control a group of people if they all think the same way.”
“Sounds like a dictatorship.”
“Don’t tell them that.” Prongs mutters, but it’s clear they agree. They press their hand into the wall next to Regulus’ head, collarbone just visible to Regulus past the collar of their semi-tight shirt, “Act how they want you to act so they stop monitoring you, don’t let your self-righteous Erudite or your selflessness shine through, that’s not how they want you to act. But make sure you don’t lose it.”
Regulus swallows. He chose Dauntless, he chose Dauntless so he could learn to be brave and learn how to not run like he used. He didn’t choose Abnegation because he’s never really seen himself as selfless, no matter what Prongs is saying to him now. He could’ve stayed in Erudite, might have enjoyed it even if it weren’t for his family.
Is he Erudite? Or is he Dauntless?
Maybe he’s both. Maybe he’s Abnegation. And Candor. And Amity.
Divergent. Not just one but all.
That’s why he’s dangerous. Dangerous to all the factions who want their members to think the same thing about their compound and their faction and their community.
Regulus clears his throat and swallows against the warmth of their closeness, “I’m not weak, I don’t need your help.”
“I know you’re not weak.” They shake their head, breathing a huff of a laugh, “It’s not my first instinct to help you, despite what you may be telling yourself.” They lean forward, putting their weight onto the hand against the wall and bringing up their other one to grab his chin gently and the touch is electric. Jolts fling down Regulus’ spine.
“What I want to do,” They push on, “is push you until you break, just to know how far you’re willing to bend before you snap.” They squeeze his chin and lean closer at the words ‘break’ and ‘snap’ and Regulus’ body tenses.
“Why?”
“You get this spark in your eye when you’re scared. You push people away and become insistent on doing things on your own. Fear wakes you up instead of shutting you down like with most people. It’s fascinating to me. I’ve only seen it in one other person and even then it wasn’t as strong as it is in you.” They pull their hand from his chin, bringing it slowly down to his neck, “Sometimes I just like seeing that little spark in you and I want to see it again.”
Regulus brings shaky hands up to their waist without consciously making the decision. With his grip on them, he pulls their body towards his and wrap his arms around them, hands resting against their back. Prongs freezes for a moment before they move their hand from the wall and press it to the small of his back and bring the other at his neck to cup the back of his head.
Regulus doesn’t like touch. He’s gotten better with Dorcas, Pandora, and Xeno. And he’s recently learned that he doesn’t even mind when Barty or the other two clap him on the back or brush his shoulder. But this is different.
This is a vulnerability that Regulus hasn’t even shared with his friends. He realises, in this moment, that Prongs is the only person he’s hugged in a long time. Twice now. And it’s one of the best feelings he’s experienced in a long time.
If only the idea of touch didn’t scorn his mind as badly as it does. If only he didn’t feel claustrophobic at the idea of having someone so close to him, someone holding him in such a vulnerable position.
Regulus breathes, noticing how comfortable James is with touch. They’re not from here if that’s the case, the Dauntless don’t hug. They high five, they shake hands, they hit each other on the back or shoulder, but they don’t hug.
“Where are you from, Prongs?”
“Does it matter?” They mutter, nearly into his hair but not quite, “I’m here now, I’m a Dauntless member, and that’s what I am now. Something you could remember more.”
“But does it not matter? I think whatever you were taught in your old faction is useful, even if the leaders don’t want you to believe it or let it show.”
Prongs sighs, but doesn’t say anything else. They pull back just enough to properly look him in the eyes with a conflicted look. And after a moment, they lean forward and press their lips to his forehead, just between his eyebrows. Unsure of what else to do, Regulus closes his eyes and leans into their body. Leans into the lips on his forehead and the hands around him, leans into their body in his.
The two of them stay like that for a long while, Regulus with his eyes closed and Prongs with their lips pressed to him, in each other’s arms. Regulus doesn’t know what’s happening between the two of them, doesn’t know what they have or what these quiet touches hidden in dark hallways are or what they mean, but he’s okay with not knowing right now. If it means he can have this, he’s not going to question it.
…
Regulus isn’t sure how to feel standing at the chasm with his hips pressed against the cold metal poles.
A lot has happened here the past couple of nights. Regulus’ back slammed against the poles then his armpits being the only thing keeping him alive even at half conscious. A man just as old as Regulus standing here, looking down at the same view before he took his own life…
In the corner of his eye, shredded up pieces of paper fall into the water below.
His shoulder strings from the fresh tattoos the group got not even an hour ago as he turns to grab one of the papers Pandora hands him. And since Mary was the only person in there, he felt comfortable enough getting the eye of Erudite on his shoulder. He considers getting Abnegation on the other and Dauntless down his spine, but that’s only a consideration for now.
Regulus stares down at the paper to take it in before tearing it up. It’s one of the many copies that Pandora was able to get their hands on throughout the compound of the article on his family. With Walburga and Orion posing together for the picture next to another one that was an old portrait of all of them together. Rita Skeeter is in both of them.
Regulus hates her stupid smug grin. He feels as though she’s smiling at him and only him through the ink of the paper.
“Did either of you ever get to meet her?” Xeno asks him and Pandora, “Rita Skeeter?”
Pandora hums, “Only once.” The paper rips easily underneath their prying and they release a part of it into the water, “She worked with mum before she became the leader of Erudite. She was unnerving so I didn’t talk to her for long.”
“What about you Regulus? I feel like you wouldn’t have asked to do this if you liked her.”
Regulus takes a deep breath, “I know her, more than I’d like to.”
“And what do you think of her?”
“That’s better talked about in a private area.” He shakes his head, “I don’t- I don’t like her, my family was closely involved in her and dinners with her were always… Pandora is right, she’s unnerving. I’ll tell you more later.”
Pandora nods, “Should we go back to the dorm then?”
“There will probably be people in there,” Xeno says, quiet, “It’s late.”
“Then we can dip Mulciber’s hand in a bowl of water so he has to pee.” Dorcas shrugs, turning on her heel after throwing the rest of her paper in her hands. They all turn from the chasm, but Regulus’ gaze is pulled away when he catches movement on the right side of the Pit. The person walks towards the glass ceiling, their movements familiar.
“I’ll join you guys soon,” Regulus says, already breaking from them, “I have to talk to Prongs.”
Pandora freezes, putting their hand on his shoulder, “Are you sure you should be walking around alone?”
“I won’t be alone, I’ll be with Prongs.” And with that, he shrugs their hand off his shoulder and rushes off in the direction of the stairs to the glass ceiling while the other three head back to the dorm. Regulus keeps his footsteps light as he follows Prongs, remaining especially quiet as he gets close behind them.
Prongs is already at the door they took the group through the other day when Regulus finally gets to the top and into the room that makes up the glass ceiling. They turn to him silently, “Join me?”
“In your fear landscape?” They nod, Regulus hums, lowering his voice as he nears them, “That’s possible?”
“If you take the serum with me, it’ll put you into the program with me, the system is set to my fear landscape.”
Regulus furrows his brows, it makes sense to him but still, “You want me to see your fears?”
“Do you think I intended on going up here alone?” They tilt their head, “There are some things I want you to know about me.” They take a syringe from the box and hold it out to him. Regulus tilts his head and allows them to push the needle into his neck. When it’s done, they put the empty syringe back and hold out the box to him, which holds another one.
Regulus takes it gingerly, “I’ve never done this before.”
They lean down just a bit to expose their neck properly to him and point to a place with their thumbnail, “Right here.” Regulus nods and pokes into their skin just below the nail with the needle, slowly injecting the serum. Prongs doesn’t flinch nor do they look away from him. When Regulus gingerly pulls it out of their skin, he puts it back into the box. They close it and set it next to the door.
With one hand on the doorknob, they turn and offer their hand to him. Regulus wordlessly takes it, noting the clammy feeling to their hand that gives away their nerves. They pull open the door and walk in, taking Regulus with them. They shut the door behind them, much gentler than before when it was the whole group and level him with a look, “See if you can figure out my real name.” Regulus nods, even knowing they can’t see it since the door has shut and moves marginally closer to them, until their arms are touching.
With that, the room turns from darkness to a cityscape. They stand at the top of a building, glass buildings and train tracks arcing around them. Regulus is nearly breathless by the view before he’s knocked forward just a bit by wind blasting into them and knocking him around. He leans into Prongs’ body and they take their hand from his to wrap their arm around his shoulders to help hold him steady.
Or so Regulus thinks until he notices their erratic breathing.
They’re steadying themself.
Because Prongs is scared of heights.
“We have to jump off?” Regulus checks. They nod. “Alright, on three then.” One more nod. Regulus nods back and counts to three, running and pulling them with him. Once he pulls them past the first step, they’re able to run off pretty easily, but there is still a bit of drag when Regulus jumps off the ledge, bringing them with him. The two of them plummet together, Prongs shaking even as Regulus delights in the feeling of the fall.
They’re about to slam into the ground like stones when the scene changes and they’re standing in a brightly lit room with pale walls. Regulus barely gets the time to register the change before there’s something at his back, pushing him into Prongs. His head hits their chest. When he pulls himself up a bit, he sees the wall coming in around them, the ceiling cracking as it joins them in the compressing.
Prongs curls in on themself and Regulus registers the fear, making a guttural noise as they notice that the two of them being in this space leaves them with nothing even at this amount of space. Their breaths come out quick and stuttery.
Regulus breathes, “It’s okay. Here, let me-” he turns around and grabs their arms to place them around him, “We need to make the space smaller, right?” Prongs nods shakily against him. “Alright, we’ll sit down at the same time and work from there, yeah?” Once more, they nod.
Regulus nods back and squeezes his arms around their waist, pulling them down as he sits down. When they’re both on the ground, Regulus turns himself around and presses his back to their chest between their knees. Prongs breathes behind him, “This is so much worse.”
“Arms around me, Prongs.” Regulus hums, strong. Obediently, their arms slip around his body and Regulus smiles since they can’t see it. “Does making it smaller usually make it end?”
“No, I- I usually have to calm my heartbeat once it’s as small as it can get.” Their breath presses into the shell of Regulus’ ear and it makes him shiver.
“Alright.” He reaches down and grabs one of their arms, putting his hand over theirs and bringing it up to his chest, “Feel my heartbeat.”
“It’s fast.”
Regulus scoffs, “That’s not because the space. Just focus on breathing with me.” He feels Prongs nod and Regulus takes them through several deep breaths, the two of them moving together with the motion.
“Can you- can you talk?”
Regulus nods, keeping his breaths steady as he thinks about what he could talk about, “Ask me something.”
“Why is your heart racing, Regulus?”
He swallows, “I’m not familiar with touch that- I’m not familiar with kind touch. I’m sure you’ve figured out my childhood from my fears. Being this close to someone freaks me out a bit.” It’s a good lie, and partially true. However, his heart also feels like it’s going to rip out of his chest because he’s currently pressed against their chest.
“But you’re okay with this?”
“As okay as I’ll ever be,” Regulus snarks, “Though, I can’t say I’d want to be in another situation like this again.” The words make Prongs laugh, and it lights up Regulus’ chest. It also makes the wall break around them.
The two of them scramble up and stretch out their limbs now that they have the space, trying to calm their hearts for different reasons. Prongs hums, “Is that the only reason your heart was beating?”
“Obviously.”
“You’d make a horrible Candor.” Regulus rolls his eyes and turns as the room changes again, showing off a dark room with a table in front of Prongs. Across the room is a woman with dark skin, matching Prongs’ if not a bit darker, with silky black hair descending down past her shoulders in waves. She has the same honey warm eyes as Prongs, and a red dot in the center of her forehead, a bindi. Her clothes are gray and fall similar to a saree.
Beside him, Prongs sucks in a breath.
Regulus watches as they slowly grab the gun from the table. Then as another person comes to stand with the woman, taller than her by a couple inches with equally as dark skin. He has Prongs’ hair.
These must be their family.
Regulus thinks he recognises them, but he’s not sure from where.
The man put his hand on the woman’s shoulder and suddenly it clicks.
Abnegation Fleamont and Euphemia Potter, Leaders of Factionless Sourcing, Mourn the Leaving of their Son, James Potter
“James.” Regulus breathes. They hesitate in the motion of raising their hands, pistol in hand.
They swallow, “This one hurts every time.” And with that, they fire two shots. Across the room, the couple falls and the room changes before blood can tinge either of their bodies.
James is shaking as they take in the next room, their breath hitching once they take in where they are.
The chasm.
Why are they at the chasm?
The water is loud and it makes Regulus’ back cold.
There’s three people standing at the railing, seemingly not noticing their presence. Two of them are standing further away and one person is pressed against the railing. Regulus recognises the tall brown-haired person and the shorter person with long black hair from when he found Pron- James drunk. But the third person? He doesn’t recognize them, but James does if the audible swallow and the way their breathing gets heavier has anything to do with it.
Regulus watches in fear as the person puts their foot on the bottom rung of the railing and stands on it. Near them, the other two cheer for him. They shout horrid things as the man slowly climbs up the railing, then down the other side.
James breathes next to him, “I can’t do anything for this one. I just have to watch.” Their hand finds his and Regulus squeezes it. The man, once solidly on the other side of the railing takes a deep breath and looks right at James, his face blank but with tears streaking down them. Then he lets go of the railing, not breaking eye contact with James as he falls back until he’s out of view.
The other two just keep shouting their venom-laced words.
There’s a sound as the body of the man slams into the bottom of the chasm and James falls to their knees, taking Regulus with them. The two of them turn onto James, their words and laughter aimed towards them. Taunting them for not being able to help.
Regulus feels a pang as he realises that the one with long dark hair has the same face as his brother. The same eyes as his brother, so like their father’s and only sharing their pale colour with Regulus’ own.
Regulus feels bile rise in his throat, “Sirius?”
The room fades and they’re back in the unfinished room, the lights on this time. James doesn’t rise from their knees.
Regulus doesn’t know where to start.
As much as he wants to ask about his brother, as much as he wants to interrogate them about it, he knows that no isn’t the time. So he breathes, “That’s it, only four fears?”
James nods silently, they stay on the ground. They stay curled in on themself, but they focus on him instead of whatever they might’ve been seeing previously.
They reach forward and grab Regulus’ arm with their free hand, then pull him towards their body until they’re pressed together. James presses a kiss to Regulus’ cheek then pulls his body into theirs properly, wrapping their arms around him and placing their head on his shoulder, breathing stuttering breaths into it.
“Thank you,” they mutter, quiet. Regulus feels his heart both pang and soar at the tone.
“We got through it.”
“You got me through it.” They reach down with one arm and laces their fingers together, finally pulling away from the hug. After a couple more seconds of them recouping their thoughts, they jerk their head, “Come on, I have to show you something.”
They lead him down towards the Pit, hand-in-hand with seemingly no intention to pull their hand away from him. Their thumb runs across his hand as they walk and Regulus feels electric.
As they walk, Regulus feels the need to fill the silence, “Have you ever… did you ever have more than four fears?
“No.” They shake their head, “We did it- when I was an initiate, we actually did the fear landscape first because Riddle was still experimenting with how he wanted to run things, so that was what we did the day we jumped. I didn’t want to give anyone my name because I was the first transfer from Abnegation and that made me a target, especially with the hatred towards Dumbledore starting up. So, when I only had four fears, the last one wasn’t that before, it changed when-” they shake their head, “my friends and the trainers called me by Four for a long time.”
“So why do you go by Prongs?”
“Does it matter?”
“You just revealed to me your real name, James.”
They seem to stiffen at their name being used. But they push it off and stop at the end of the hallway that Regulus had never seen before. They gently lead him around irregular rocks until they’re sitting on a relatively flat rock just flirting with a part of the calmer waters of the chasm. They move the two of them close enough that their feet dangle over the edge, being kissed by small sprays of water at random points.
They sigh when both of them are settled, “My results were Abnegation in the way your results were Erudite.” It sends a pang through Regulus’ heart. Did they just admit they were Divergent? Unaware of his turmoil, they push on, “I wanted to stay with my parents, I miss them and love them even to this day, but I didn’t feel like I was selfless enough to stay.”
James lays back on the rock, “It was selfish to be- in Abnegation, it’s selfish to want to change your gender or identity. The fact that you might want to change your identity means you’ve been thinking about yourself enough to not enjoy it. I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t stand being referred to as a boy. I knew they wouldn’t care as much in Dauntless of all places, and even if they did, I would learn to fight those who did.”
“I met three wonderful people when I went through my initiation.” They breathe, “Remus, Pete, and Sirius.” Regulus’ breath hitches at the name, but he lets them keep talking, “We stuck together through the initiation, just like you and your friends. My nickname, Prongs, came from them. Remus was a Erudite who had an obsession with the moon and wolves, so we called him Moony. Sirius’s first tattoo was of a black dog so we called him Padfoot. Pete was scared of rats, so we called him Wormtail-”
“That seems cruel.”
“He gave himself the name.” James hums, a faint but sad smile on their face, “He thought it would be a good way to face that fear, give himself a positive association with it. So he told us to call him Wormtail, which turned to Wormy. They called me Prongs because I only had four fears and I was skittish and protective. Something about that association reminded them of a buck and so they started calling me Prongs. It’s the nickname that stuck. When Pete…” they swallow, “When he jumped, we took to only ever calling each other by our nicknames to honour him since he loved them.”
James sits up properly, levels him with a look, “When I took over training the transfer initiates last year, Sirius accidentally called me Prongs in front of my initiates and they started calling me it, so it stuck, with everyone.”
Regulus nods, and he’s quiet for a moment before, “Why didn’t you tell me about my brother? You saw him in my fears and you’re his friend, why did you-”
James sighs heavily, “I wanted you to get more comfortable here before I told you about it. It wasn’t hard to put together, even before seeing your fear. I remember his last name, and I was at the Choosing ceremony so I remembered yours. You were what I thought you were since… Sirius still thinks you’re his little sister, but I knew when the articles were released and you hesitated to tell me your name.”
Angry as he might be about it, Regulus understands. So he nods and swallows, “Does he know about me?”
“Yes and no.” They tilt their head back and forth, “I told him that we had a Erudite transfer named Regulus that I was watching over. I told him that his sibling made it out safe, which was the whole reason I went, but I didn’t tell him that information together.”
“You went to make sure I was safe.”
James nods, “He asked me to. He-” they swallow and their eyes meet Regulus’, “He really cares about you, Regulus. As much as he was upset at you for a lot of things, he does care about you and he knew that you were going to be Choosing this year, but he didn’t want to risk running into you or your family. So he sent me and asked me to tell him if you chose Erudite.”
“Did you tell him what I chose?”
They shake their head, “Just that you didn’t choose Erudite. That you were going to be safe. I figured he wasn’t ready to face you yet. I can tell him who you are, if you want.”
“That would- that would be nice…” Regulus trails off. Then, after a couple seconds of silence, “He’s happy and safe?”
James hums, “He struggled with some of the initiation at first, had fears similar to yours -- he took me through his fear landscape when we were done with initiation, he took Remus through it too -- but once he made it through and chose his job, he works as a tattoo artist with Mary, and finally got with Remus, he was unstoppable. He’s happy here, even more so knowing you’re safe, though I think it hurts that he believes he still can’t see you again.”
“Thank you, James.” Regulus breathes, leaning forward and moving towards them on the rock, just marginally.
They breathe, “It’s really nice to hear my name again.”
“Can’t you ask your friends to?”
“I could, but it wouldn’t feel right.” They swallow, “Besides, I like the way you say it.”
Regulus feels his face warm.
Prongs reaches out and touches his cheek, leaning in until their lips are just a hair's breadth away. Then they grin and surge forward, pressing their lips together.
Regulus tenses for only a moment before he gets his bearings and threads a hand through their hair as they cup his face with both hands, kissing him firmly.
Regulus has never kissed anyone.
He thinks this is a damn good first kiss to have.
They pull away to breathe for only a moment before returning to the kiss, Regulus’ other arm slipping up to wrap around their shoulders.
The two of them kiss for a long while before their bones start to creak at the stillness of them and they grow tired. James stands up first, then reaches out a hand to help Regulus stand, steadying him. They help him off the rocks of the chasm and back into the Pit.
When they’re both on stable ground, James hums and leans close to him, “I’ll let you get back to your dorm.” Regulus hums disjointedly, making them laugh. So James leans down and presses one last kiss to Regulus’ lips before standing up and letting go of his hand, “Goodnight, Regulus.”
“Goodnight, James.”
Chapter 12: It's Time to Run
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus has never been the type of person to get giddy, always stoic and never really… excited about the idea of a relationship, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t have a bit of extra energy. His hair feels like it's falling just right, his clothes are fitting him perfectly, and he’s noticed a clear pep in his own step as he walks to breakfast.
He knows it's showing in his actions when Pandora gives him a look over their food, “What’s with you today?”
“What?”
“You’ve got some like…” Dorcas says, gesturing to his whole body, “energy about you that’s just a lot more peppy than normal.”
“I just slept well.” Regulus shrugs with one shoulder.
“Let him be in a good mood,” Xeno shakes his head, “He’s grumpy enough we’ll never see it again if we stomp it down now.” Regulus smacks his shoulder, making him throw his head back in a laugh. Barty, Evan, and Amelia come to sit next to the group moments later.
Barty leans towards Regulus’ face, poking at his cheek, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you smiley?”
“Why is it so weird that I’m in a good mood?” Regulus asks, pushing away the excitement of James walking into the dining hall and getting to see them.
“Because you’re mean and grumpy and don’t know how to smile.” He says, poking at him with more vigour. Regulus bats his hand away, grabbing and holding his wrist. Barty cackles and starts to playfully throw his arm around, making Regulus fight him just a bit. It’s just that moment that James walks into the dining hall, and Regulus feels his heart fill and his chest get light.
However, the feeling only lasts for a moment when James doesn’t even spare Regulus a glance, instead choosing to sit over with Marlene and their friends. Suddenly there isn’t much of a smile to fight.
Luckily, if Regulus’ friends notice it, they don’t comment. Instead Xeno hums, “Do you guys think we’ll get to see our own fear landscapes today? I’m curious about what they’ll be.”
Amelia shakes her head, “Apparently we’re going through one of the instructor’s landscapes. So either Marlene or Prongs.”
“I really hope it’s Prongs’” Pandora hums, “I wanna know what goes on in their mind.”
Evan nods, “And it’s always felt like they’re so fearless, I’d be curious about seeing it.”
“I bet they’re scared of something like butterflies and puppies.” Amelia laughs, and it makes the table around him erupt.
Regulus swallows and reminisces on the previous night. On the parents they still love but had to kill, on the heart wrenching scene of watching a man take his own life.
Even if James’ fears weren’t as bad as they were, weren’t as personal, James wouldn’t choose to show them. With only four fears, that doesn’t give much opportunity for whatever exercise the group may be led through.
So Regulus shakes his head, “I don’t think we’ll do Prongs’ fear landscape.”
It makes the table turn to him and Dorcas hums, “Why do you think that?”
“They seem very secretive, why would they show us their biggest fears?” He shrugs with one shoulder. The group seems to take it as answer enough, but spends the rest of breakfast joking about what James could possibly be scared of.
…
Marlene and James create a united front when the group of initiates, both Dauntless-born and transfers, are all gathered up near the landscape simulation room. They stand shoulder to shoulder in front of the door and Marlene clears her throat to grab the group’s attention. Regulus hasn’t spent much time with Marlene outside of the few outings Regulus has managed to participate in, but the two didn’t talk much, so it shocks him with how much their voice carries when they speak, “Two years ago, when I was in your place, I had nine fears: snakes, suffocation, enclosing spaces, becoming Factionless, uncontrollable bleeding, getting run over, death, public humiliation, and being kidnapped by men without identities.”
James picks up for them when they trail off, “Most will have anywhere from ten to fifteen fears. Around that is the average.”
“What’s the lowest anyone has gotten?” Dorcas hums.
Marlene gives her a smile, “As far as we have recorded? Four.” Regulus chances a glance over at James, only to find them staring at the floor. Neither of the instructors give away who may have had those four fears. Regulus just hadn’t realised how impressive their fears were.
Now if only they would fucking look at Regulus.
Marlene pushes on, “None of you will be finding out how many fears you have. First, you’re going to go through one fear in my landscape each, just so you can understand how the simulation works, since it’s different from the fear simulations in the last phase.” Then they look over at the group and assign each person a fear, and Regulus gets kidnapping.
One of the fears he already has.
He forces himself to breathe as he watches everyone go through their assigned fear in the landscape, though he can’t see what they’re seeing and instead just watching their reactions in the blank room to the visions they’re seeing. Regulus clenches and unclenches his fist, watching everyone go before him.
He closes his eyes and takes as many deep breaths as he can while Marlene pricks his neck with the needle then steps out of the room as the landscape takes over him. He reminds himself that he has experience, with both his own Divergence and after going through James’ landscape together.
Instead of a scene on a bus like Regulus was used to being greeted with during his fear simulation, the first thing that processes is the roaring sound of the chasm water. It’s dark, darker than the hallway normally is, and there’s a hand clamped firmly over Regulus’ mouth, a hard body pressed against his back.
All concepts of how to get out of the simulation flies out of Regulus’ head at the sensation, at the nightmares he’s been suffering with coming to life in front of his eyes. He’s back at the chasm and he’s back in his home and he can’t breathe. Regulus screams into the hand against his mouth and his eyes begin to water as he claws at the unyielding force of it.
“Stop.” A stern voice registers in the back of his mind. Then suddenly the hand at his mouth disappears and there’s no longer the dark and roaring of the chasm as the shitty florescent light of the fear landscape room fills his vision. Regulus doesn’t even register that he’s fallen to his knees, shaking, until a couple moments later, too caught up in the realisation that everyone saw Regulus live through one of his actual fears -- Dorcas isn’t scared of snakes and Pandora isn’t scared of death, so while they were shaken they weren’t actually that affected. That everyone saw him lose his logic and control.
A hand lands on Regulus’ shoulder and wrenches him until he’s standing. He’s met with James’ warm eyes, but this time they’re cold and harsh, “What the hell was that?”
Regulus tries to get something, anything to say, to come past his lips but every word just gets lodged in his throat.
“Get yourself together, this is fucking pathetic.” Their tone is cold, and something in the words makes Regulus lash out. Throws him back to where he once was with his family, but this time he can fight against the cold words and the harsh grip on him. Before he can even register what’s going on, the sound of a smack fills the room and Regulus feels his hand string.
It takes a while to figure out what happened, and it’s only when James stares at him, eyes wide and the right side of their face bright red.
He takes only a second to swallow the bile in his throat and spit out, “Shut the fuck up.” Before yanking himself from their grasp and walking out of the room.
Regulus is outside the compound, standing only centimeters from the edges of the train tracks before he can even fully realise that he’s running anywhere. He doesn't remember getting out in the cool air that forms fog in front of him with each breath. He realises he didn't bring a jacket, but he’s not willing to go back inside.
It takes a while for him to come up with anything positive about what just happened, but he forces his mind to reel through the previous events. At least he’s really made himself look weak, took himself out of the competition. At least no one saw what exactly he was going through. No one other than Marlene, who likely knows about what happened to him if they’re as close with James as they seem.
The train horn shocks Regulus out of his reverie and he turns to watch it as it whirls around the compound, turning to the straight that will lead it right to him.
He shouldn’t.
Regulus takes a couple steps back to allow for some room between him and the train, then gets ready to start running as it nears him.
In a motion smoother than any of the times he’s done this before, he runs alongside the train, grabs onto the railing at the side of the doorway, and launches himself into the car, wincing at the pain the motion strikes through his body. Regulus rolls onto his back and watches out the doorway to make sure he’s away from the compound before he sits up.
He moves so he’s sitting in the doorway, his shoulder pressed against the inside of the train car and his legs dangling into the air below him.
The train slows down as it nears the city, and Regulus can get a good view of the tall stone buildings of the Erudite compound. His heart picks up as he scans the buildings on the way past, pulling his legs up as the train gets nearer to the ground just to be safe, looking for the building he spent all of his formative years in. The building that holds more trauma than he knows what to do with. More nightmares than he knows how to fight, more memories that come up in the worst of moments.
The Erudite compound is out of view before Regulus even knows it.
The train circles around the Hub for a while before moving on to the more cracked roads and tarnished buildings that leads to the Abnegation sector.
He’s only been to this area a handful of times, forced to follow his parents on diplomatic conversations and meetings to save face, and being used as a kind face to make the Abnegation they met with feel like Walburga and Orion weren’t horrible people. Knowing who James’ parents are, knowing they work directly with the factionless and are a part of the government, Regulus wonders if he ever crossed paths with James but hadn’t realised it.
Regulus stands up and preps to jump off the train near an overpass, intending to turn around and get onto another train that will take him back to the compound. Even if he wants to continue this, which he does, the train takes hours to go around the whole city before bringing him back to the compound and he figures he should be gone for as little time as possible so he doesn’t get caught.
Wandering over to the tracks nearby that the train going the other direction will be travelling on, he doesn’t have to wait long before it comes -- one of the things he was forced to memorise when he was younger is the train schedules so he could always help his parents be aware of who might be passing where when. Once more, he pulls himself onto it and settles again in the opening, watching the same scenes he just saw pass him by.
He’s calmer this time passing by the Erudite compound. He focuses on the initiates and the people milling about outside, figuring their lives were much more satisfying than Regulus’, knowing that they’re likely safer than he was.
The train speeds up again just as they leave the area, making his hair whip around his face and indicating that he should get ready to jump off again here soon. However, as he’s getting ready for the train to sink down, he notices Snape standing near the train station, arms folded behind his back and presumably scowling. Regulus, in the moment it takes for the train to start going down to the station, contemplates his life as it’s about to end.
Nonetheless, he jumps from the train and winces when Snape grips his upper arm so hard it hurts, doing all he can to push away negative memories as he’s dragged back into the compound.
As soon as the door shuts behind them once they’re inside the compound, Snape forces him to stop moving and pulls his hands away from Regulus, cracking his knuckles and his neck, the sound echoing down the hallway.
After a moment of nothing but the sound of bones popping, Snape breathes, “Welcome back, Regulus.”
Regulus forces his shoulders to remain straight and he watches Snape almost lazily, “Snape.”
“What exactly were you thinking? What could’ve possibly made you believe that leaving the compound was a good idea.” It’s daunting, this side of Snape. Regulus knows he’s dangerous, there’s no question about it and there never has been. However, in this calm and controlled state, Regulus feels as though he’s in more danger than he ever has been before. He sees every side of Snape, every intelligent action he’s hidden behind Dauntless aggression to hunt down the Divergent in their ranks. The people like Regulus.
“Do you perhaps regret your decision to come here? Were you going back to your old faction perhaps?” Snape steps towards him, towering over him until Regulus has a perfect view of his yellowed, snarling teeth, “Would you like to become free roam and factionless that bad? Perhaps we should reconsider your rank if you want that.”
Regulus swallows and falters, trying to think of a lie good enough to throw Snape off his back.
A door nearby swings open and James steps out into the hallway, making themself known immediately, “What’s going on here?”
Snape immediately goes lax, his shoulders relaxing and he leans marginally away from Regulus, “Your initiate decided it was a good idea to leave the compound without anyone’s permission or supervision.” He fully whirls on James, “Seems you need to keep a tighter leash on your students.”
James turns to look over at Regulus, rubbing their hands over their face and looking at Regulus through their fingers. They curl their shoulders in for only a moment before straightening up once more, reminding Regulus to be vulnerable.
“I-” Regulus clears his throat, forcing his words to actually work, forcing himself to go back to his home for just a moment, go back to the feeling when he was looking over the Erudite compound not long before, “I was just- after the whole training thing today, I was overwhelmed and tried to…” he cuts off, realising that he doesn’t know what to say next.
Snape seems to pick up on it, going back to him and resuming something akin to his previous posture, “Tried to what.”
James breathes out a laboured sigh, “He tried to kiss me. I rejected him and he ran off. No wonder he left the compound.” He rolls his eyes, “If all he’s known of this place is me and his friends.” Snape watches Regulus for a moment, considering him, and Regulus tries to make his embarrassed posture as real as he can. Then he turns to James and, after a moment, bursts out into a raucous cackle that’s too loud and too grating. He turns back to Regulus and grins, the edges pulling up maliciously, “Aren’t they a little old for you, little Regulus?”
Regulus forces himself to swallow, “Can I go?”
Snape watches him, mirth lighting up his features before he rolls his shoulders and takes a step back, “Fine, but you better not leave the compound again.” Then he begins walking, shouldering James on the way past.
As soon as the sound of Snape’s footsteps resided, Regulus staring at the ground in front of him the whole time, turns and walks out the door again. He bounces on his toes before sitting down, shaking out his hands the entire time. Only moments later, Regulus hears the door open once more and a body comes to sit near him. He refuses to look up at them.
“Are you alright?” James asks, voice soft. He feels their hand reach up and out towards him, but he reaches up and bats their hand away before they can touch him.
“Just fucking great.” He snarls, voice coming out harsher than he would’ve thought, “I just love getting humiliated in front of everyone I know then getting screamed at for leaving the compound for, what, a fucking hour, and getting threatened of being thrown out of Dauntless for it. My favourite pastime.” By the time Regulus finishes, he’s fully turned to look at James. They’re not looking at him, instead their eyes flit over the old buildings around them. The train horn goes off in the distance.
After a while of them not saying anything, Regulus breathes, “I’m getting real sick of you trying to be the nice, concerned partner and the strict, cruel teacher. You can’t be both, especially when it’s so fucking unpredictable.”
“I am not cruel, Regulus.” James says quietly after another beat, “We both know you’re aware of what is and is not cruel. But, your brother saw the way I protect others as the same thing when we first met.”
“What do you mean you’re protecting me?”
“Trying to remind you to be vulnerable.” Is all they say for another moment, then, “You’re so headstrong, and it’s incredibly admirable, but you can’t be headstrong right now. We’ve talked about it, but your nature makes it hard for you to remember that you need to act vulnerable. Me doing things like yelling at you and pulling you out of bad moments makes you seem weaker, more believable as a person to your friends.”
“You make it sound like I’m lying about who I am.”
“Not necessarily.” Then shake their head. Instead of elaborating, they change the subject, “I don’t treat you like I do when we’re alone while around the others because then you couldn’t win. Your peers, especially your friends, would believe that the only reason you’ve ranked high is favouritism. We can’t let them believe that you’re not genuinely talented.”
“You have strange methods of protecting me, James.”
They breathe a sigh, “I didn’t realise my actions would hurt you. That’s how I’ve always acted with initiates and didn’t think it would affect you at this point of knowing me. For that, and for taking it too far, I’m sorry, Regulus.” They fully turn to him, using their hands to turn their entire body, “You’re so strong, Regulus. For everything you’ve been through, both before and after you joined Dauntless, and it becomes hard for me to remember that, even with all your acting, you can actually be hurt.”
Regulus swallows at the apology and the confession.
He’s always been weak. Running from his parents and letting Sirius take the blame for him. Hiding parts of himself because it was easier than standing against his parents.
Choosing Dauntless instead of Erudite was his first show of strength in a long time. Possibly the first in his life.
Letting Dorcas, Pandora, and Xeno in was his next.
He hadn’t thought James would actually think he was strong, hadn’t thought anyone in general could associate that word with Regulus. Not even his friends, not his brother, not his parents.
But James believes he’s strong. Believes he’s unshakeable, even knowing all that he’s gone through.
Before he’s fully aware of his actions, Regulus is swinging into James’ space and pressing his lips to theirs. James doesn’t reach out, just kisses him back.
He pulls away after a moment, then mutters, “It astounds me that you always know what to do and say.”
They shake their head, “You would hate to hear the mess that is my thought process, Regulus.” Then, they break out into a grin, “Did I hear you call me ‘partner’ earlier?”
“Now why would I do that?” Regulus shrugs.
James grins wider and reaches forward, slowly going to bring their hand to the back of his neck, giving him time to pull away or tell them to stop. He doesn’t. Their thumb comes to stroke along his jaw, tilting his head up just a bit. Regulus watches their eyes, watches as beautiful, nearly golden-flaked brown flits around his face. Goes from his eyes, to his hair, to the hand on his jaw, to his lips, then back to their hand. They seem nervous and Regulus finds himself biting his lip at it.
“I would like it if you did. Call me your partner.”
“Call me Reg.”
James nods, then bites their lips, “Sirius wants to talk to you.”
“Now?”
“No, after dinner. Meet me at the chasm tonight and I’ll take you to his and Remus’ place. He wants you to meet Remus, then he and I can leave you two to talk if you want.”
“We’ll see how I’m feeling.” James nods, “That can be for later.” Then they give him one last sweet smile, squeeze the back of his neck lightly and stands up, walking away and through the door.
Regulus only takes a couple moments to compose himself before he stands and walks back into the compound. He makes his way back into the dorms, where Pandora is. They immediately turn to him, rushing him to him, “Regulus! Where have you been? I’ve searched everywhere for you but wasn’t able to find you. Are you okay? Did Prongs get after you for hitting them?”
Regulus shakes his head, “I’m okay, just didn’t want to be found after everything that happened. I’ve talked to Prongs and everything is okay. They got after me, but understood.” It’s not a lie. While James didn’t necessarily get after him, they did talk and everything is okay between them two. But he also can’t tell them about where he ran to, why he wasn’t able to be found, and how Snape threatened him with a calm that reminded Regulus of his own father.
Pandora watches him for a moment before nodding slowly, “Perfect, because I have something to tell you and Dorcas, she’ll be here in a minute.” And true to their word, Dorcas comes in moments later. When she comes in, Pandora looks around the room to make sure there’s no one else in the room before turning to the two, “Can you two be girls for a couple seconds.”
“I’m always a girl.” Dorcas hums.
Regulus furrows his brows, “I’d rather not.”
Pandora waves their hand through the air, “You know what I mean. Can you guys pretend to be like… annoying and gossipy teenage girls?”
“I’m not sure any of us have that capability.” Regulus frowns at the same time Dorcas throws her hair over her shoulder and learns towards them, “Spill it, girl.” Pandora laughs, whether from one of their responses or both, but grins.
Then they lean forward conspiratorially, “Xeno kissed me.”
Dorcas is immediately reaching out to hit Pandora’s shoulder while Regulus’ face slackens, “What?”
Dorcas nods, “When? How did that happen?”
Pandora laughs, throwing their head back. They’ve got a giddy smile on their face when they look back down at the two, “You two can be gossipy teens.” Then, after a couple seconds, they hum and sit down dramatically onto their bed, “Well, right after everything happened. Dorcas disappeared somewhere so Xeno and I went down to lunch and we walked around for a while, just talking. I couldn’t even tell you what we were talking about. Then he stopped, turned to me, grabbed my cheeks, and kissed me.”
“Did you know he liked you?”
They shake their head, “No! But we didn’t talk about it immediately. He just pulled away, smiled at me, grabbed my hand, and we kept on walking.”
“Did you kiss him back?” Dorcas asks.
“Did you talk to him about it?” Regulus asks just after.
Pandora smiles, “I did kiss him back, and I kissed him again later when we were heading back inside. And we talked about it after that. I didn’t even realise that I liked him, just that I was super comfortable with him and I really liked his touch, more than even with you guys.” Dorcas laughs. She takes Pandora’s hands and twirls them around, the two of them joking. Regulus chooses to just watch them, smiling at their antics. It makes him really want to tell them about him and James, about the kisses they shared at the chasm. About the whole partner thing.
But he can’t.
Not yet.
So Regulus just clears his throat and hums, “I’m happy for you Pandora, so long as you two are being logical about it.”
“Oh let a person dream, Regulus.” Dorcas hums, turning back to him. There’s something in her eyes that isn’t fully in line with the rest of her expression, but Regulus doesn’t want to dissect it now.
The three of them talk for a while longer before heading back to the dining hall for dinner, which Pandora says Xeno will meet them at. The three of them are the first to get to the table, Regulus and Dorcas sitting shoulder to shoulder on one side and Pandora sitting across from Dorcas on the other. Not long after, Xeno comes up to them and joins Pandora, sitting to their right and squeezing their shoulders on the way down. Dorcas bumps Regulus with her elbow at the interaction and they exchange a look. Barty comes up to throw himself over the bench to Regulus’ left when he and the other two Dauntless-borns they know come around not long after.
Amelia clocks the difference in Pandora and Xeno almost immediately, putting her elbows on the table and dramatically folding her fingers together so she can rest her chin on it, “What’s going on with you two?”
Pandora smiles softly at her, “We’re trying out a little something new.” Amelia seems elated at the new and Barty and Evan join in on teasing the two.
However, Regulus doesn’t pay much attention to it, because Dorcas leans down to mutter in Regulus’ ear, “Are you okay?”
Regulus swallows, “Fine. Are you? Pandora said you went off and did your own thing after I left.”
He watches as the girl licks her lips and stares off somewhere else in the dining hall, “I’m fine, I’ve just been- I’ve been talking to someone who’s helped me get through all of this.” Regulus doesn’t let his shock show, or at least he tries not to. However, this is Dorcas and she’s used to reading people’s body language, so she pushes at him just a bit, “Don’t act like that. It’s been nice.”
“I’m surprised you haven’t said anything about it.”
The girl worries her lip for a moment, “I’m not at a point where I feel comfortable with it. But I’m going to spend time with them tonight, so I’d appreciate it if you can cover for me tonight so no one questions.
“I can’t,” Regulus shakes his head, “I’m also going to be out for the night.” Dorcas gives him a look, like she wasn’t expecting that, but he shakes his head, “It’s… it’s complicated and personal, but I’ll tell you later if you tell me.”
Dorcas watches him for a moment before nodding, “Yeah, deal. And we can pretend we were together if the lovebirds question us later.”
“Like they’re not going to be so wrapped up in each other to notice.” Regulus hums, and Dorcas grins. She wraps her arm around his shoulders and leaves it there while they eat.
When dinner finishes up, Dorcas stands up and Regulus is quick to join her when Pandora starts to turn to her, confused. They push on, “Where are you two going?”
Dorcas bites her lip, and Regulus sweeps in with a lie for her, “We figured we’d give the two of you some time for yourselves. We figured we’d just spend some time exploring the compound.”
Pandora doesn’t quite seem to believe them, but the two are beginning to walk away before they can argue and Dorcas leans down just a bit and mutters, “Thank you.” Regulus shrugs. The two of them head towards the chasm, seemingly without realising that’s where the other is going.
But when they get to the roaring waters of the chasm and see James and Marlene standing together, talking and laughing, Regulus thinks he understands. The two trainers look up at their approach and both smile. Marlene sweeps towards Dorcas and links their arms through hers, “Shall we?” Dorcas sends a glance towards Regulus, who just mouths ‘later’ to her, then back to Marlene as she nods. With that, Marlene pulls her down another hallway.
Once they’re out of sight, James smiles gently at Regulus, “Are you ready for this?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” He sighs.
“It’ll be okay. Both Remus and I can be there if you want. I can be there and Remus can busy himself. We can both leave. You’re in control of this.” Regulus nods and James starts leading them through the halls, ghosting a hand over his lower back, “It’s a bit of a walk to their place, but not much further than mine. Take your time to do what you need to prepare. None of us have anything to do.” Regulus nods and the two are silent for the rest of the walk, James giving him the space he needs to process what’s about to happen.
But before he knows it, James is leading him to one of the apartment doors. This one is a dark coloured wood with flowers, vines, and snakes painted on it. He recognises the style as one that has appeared in some of the example tattoo books they have in the tattoo parlor. James leans down and hums, “You knock when you’re ready. I’m right here.”
Regulus nods and only takes a couple seconds, enough to take a deep breath, before he reaches up and gently knocks on the door.
Three raps on the wood, the first one then the second and third back to back after about a second.
It’s the way they used to knock on each other’s doors to let them know who was outside, who was awaiting outside -- although that was more a comfort thing, their parents didn’t knock, they barged in. There was the faint sound of voices and a soft crashing through the door, making James snort next to Regulus, before it finally swings open.
Regulus feels all the breath leave his lungs at the sight of his older brother.
He’s seen his brother a couple times, but not in the ways that count. Seeing the back of his head, seeing his face snarling at James in the illusion of their fear landscape, seeing him standing at the chasm drunk and more focused on James’ actions. None of those count.
Not much taller than he remembers, maybe just a couple inches taller than Regulus himself, with long black hair that falls in gentle curls to his collarbones. Tattoos covering the skin exposed by his black, ripped t-shirt and various piercings through his skin and jewelry dangling from his neck.
Sirius looks in every way the brother Regulus remembers glimpsing when he would sneak away from their parents and every part a stranger.
The older seems as frozen as Regulus is, before the taller man that Regulus has glimpsed a couple times with his brother, Remus, comes up behind him and places a gentle hand on his shoulder. Then, at the touch, Sirius breaks and whispers, “Regulus.” And the word sends emotions fleeting just under Regulus’ skin.
He says it like it almost pains him. He says it like he almost doesn’t believe what he’s seeing. He says it like he’s trying out the word for the very first time on his tongue -- he might be, if James just told him about Regulus yesterday. He says it like he’s finally getting confirmation that Regulus is actually safe.
He says it like seeing his brother was the only thing that could make him whole again after rebuilding his life entirely.
Maybe it is.
The words send Regulus spiraling, but James’ touch against his back grounds him. Grounds him enough to say, “Sirius,” back, his voice weak and breaking.
Sirius launches forward and pulls Regulus into a hug. He doesn’t know how to react for a moment, so unused to affectionate touch in general, but specifically coming from his brother.
He had expected anything, yelling, shouting, being kicked out and turned away, but the last thing he expected was a hug. But after a moment, Regulus forces his arms to work again so he can reach up and hug his older brother.
He falls into the feeling of the hug, both unaware of anything going on but hyper aware of everything. He ensures that he’s not accidentally pulling on the pieces of Sirius’ long hair that have fallen to his back, and focuses on keeping his breathing normal but not brushing onto his brother. He closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to look at Remus and he’s not able to see into the apartment yet.
It feels like the hug lasts forever, and it feels like it has fixed something so shattered within Regulus that he almost doesn’t want it to end.
But when Sirius pulls away, he brings his hands up to gently cup Regulus’ jaw, and he breathes, “Regulus. You’re so grown up. So handsome. So… strong.”
The words stab into Regulus, into his eyes and his heart and his throat and makes him unable to speak. His brother believes that he’s strong, and that he’s…
“My baby brother.” Sirius tries, and the words bring tears to both of their eyes.
A hand lands on Sirius’ shoulder, scarred and large, and the calming but rough voice of Remus breaks through their bubble, “How about we come inside. I doubt either of you want to make a scene in the hallway.”
Sirius turns to his boyfriend and Regulus is struck by the pure, unadulterated love he sees on his brother’s face. He watches them as Sirius searches Remus’ expression before nodding and turning back to Regulus just as the taller man starts to pull away, “Yeah. Come inside you two. Remus will make us some tea.” Sirius’ hands fall from Regulus’ face and the younger falters for a moment before James’ hand finds his back again, gently pushing him into the open doorway behind his brother.
The inside of the apartment is nothing like James’. There are lamps on all over the room and the walls are covered in drawings and framed paintings and artworks. There’s two bookshelves against the far wall near a door full of books. It’s a mixture of soft browns and beiges and starker blacks, grays, and reds. The furniture is rag-tag but it works in the strangest way. It’s everything that their parents would hate and the thought and sight strikes Regulus hard in the chest.
Sirius guides them to the living room. Regulus settles awkwardly on the far end of the couch from where Sirius settles and James throws themself into the beanbag chair nearby. Remus comes in not long later with a tray of mugs and fix ins, handing one directly to Regulus, “My name is Remus.”
“So I’ve heard,” Regulus breathes, taking it from him, grateful for the scalding warmth it sends through his hands.
“Reg?” James asks gently, “Do you want us to stay here?” They gesture between themselves and Remus.
Regulus watches Sirius for a while, wondering what he’s thinking before he hums, “It might be easier for both of us.” Sirius nods and the other two settle themselves. Remus walks over to the couch and hands Sirius a mug before taking one for himself and moving to sit behind the man.
It’s a while of the two brothers watching each other before Sirius breathes, “Were you… were you treated okay after I left? Did you tell our parents about…” he gestures to Regulus.
Regulus swallows, “It wasn’t good. But I- I don’t want to talk about them right now. Not when we just met again.”
Sirius nods, “Can you at least tell me why you chose Dauntless.”
“The same reasons I would assume you did. So I could learn how to be strong and brave. So I could get away and never have to deal with being weak again. Not that that has gone well.” At the words, James stands up and goes to sit at the foot of the couch in front of Regulus, reaching out and wrapping a hand around his ankle.
“You have friends?”
Regulus nods, “Good ones.”
James hums, “He’s befriended Barty, Evan, and Amelia.”
“I don’t know if that comforts me or makes me nervous.” Sirius says, letting out a laugh, “Those three are nothing but trouble.”
“Trouble is good here.” Remus reminds him.
“How come I’ve never seen you in the tattoo parlor?” Regulus asks after another few seconds, “I’ve been there several times but never seen you.”
“I tattoo in private.” Sirius hums, “It’s more comfortable for me so I tattoo in a back room and don’t come out into the main area often. Either that or I’m not there. How many times have you been in the parlor? Do you have any tattoos?”
Regulus nods, “I have three, but I’ve been there for my friends when they get one.”
“Can I- can I see them?”
Regulus nods again and slowly pulls the hemline of his shirt down to each shoulder so his brother can see the dog on his left shoulder. Then he moves the collar to his other shoulder and shows him the cat and the eye of Erudite. After a couple seconds, “I got the dog and cat at the same time. Then the Erudite. I want to get Dauntless behind the dog.”
“Can I do it for you? Would you be comfortable with that? I mean, Mary’s great but I think it’d be nice.”
“Yeah, you can do that.” Regulus nods, and Sirius nods back.
The rest of the night is just the two of them slowly exchanging questions and answers, slowly rebuilding what they knew about each other. At some point in the night, Sirius stands and brings a couple rings and necklaces out to Regulus, handing them to him gently. Regulus recognises some of them, jewelry pieces that Sirius kept hidden in a small trunk under his bed that only the two of them knew about.
By the end of the night, there were dried tear marks on Regulus’ cheeks and he had been more vulnerable in a room with two people who meant a lot to him and a third who meant a lot to those two than he had been in years with anyone in his life. He was leaving tired and with some new jewelry that meant the world to him.
“Would you like to come to my place?” James asks, voice low and a hand on his back once more, “Calm down for a bit before you head back to the dorms? I can get you a box to keep the jewelry in, too, if you want.”
Regulus swallows and nods, “Yeah, that- that would be nice.” James smiles and nods then goes to unlock their door once the two reach it. They head inside and James goes to find a small box for Regulus, bringing it back to him moments later.
“Thank you, James. For all of this.” Regulus swallows, “Thank you for introducing me to my brother again and for being there.”
“Of course Reg.” James smiles, heading towards him and pulling him into a loving, gentle kiss.
Notes:
Let me tell you, it is so nice to not have to worry about accidentally writing James instead of Prongs now that Regulus knows their name
Chapter 13: You'll Be a Man, Boy!
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
James busies themself while Regulus settles on their bed, slowly and gingerly putting the jewelry Sirius gave him into the box, making sure that it’s settled and the necklaces won’t be getting tangled in the transfer and any possible jostling while Regulus keeps it to himself and hidden from Emmeline, Avery, and Mulciber.
By the time he has put the box down on the bed next to him and turned to watch James as they come out of the bathroom, wearing more comfortable clothes than they were wearing previously. They extend a bundle of clothes in Regulus’ direction, “You don’t have to, but I figure you’re tired and would like something comfortable.”
Regulus nods and takes the clothes, allowing James to help him stand before going into the bathroom to change. James is settled on their bed with the box they gave Regulus settled on the bedside table. They reach out and gently grasp Regulus’ wrist as he nears them, guiding them onto the bed next to them, “How are you feeling?”
Regulus sighs, allowing himself to lean against them, his cheek resting on their shoulder, “Tired, emotionally and physically.”
“You’ve been through a lot today. I realise that meeting Sirius maybe wasn’t the best idea after the whole simulation thing that happened earlier.”
“It’s fine. I think this was a good distraction from that. And going out earlier, inadvisable as it was, was a good escape.”
James nods, “If you ever need it, I’m more than willing to go out on the trains with you.”
“Thank you.” He hums, closing his eyes when James’ hand trails up to his chin, guiding his lips to theirs.
The kiss is everything, even more than their previous kisses. It’s nothing but comfort for Regulus after all he’s been through today, after all the emotional conversations and required comfort. It’s just enough passion and care to make Regulus feel safe but not too much so as to push him into anything.
The angle, after a few moments, begins hurting at the strain in his back, which causes him to shift while attempting to not break the kiss. It doesn’t work, but James works to keep their lips close while he changes his position, and when he’s settled and they’re kissing once more, Regulus finds his legs thrown over James’ lap with a hand resting on their hip bone and James’ arms are wrapped around his back. There’s a hand gripping at his shoulder, the one with the cat and Erudite symbol like it’s a lifeline and Regulus feels like he’s fucking soaring at the sensation.
The hand not on his shoulder slips down and slides just under the hemline of Regulus’ -- James’ -- shirt while the one holding onto his shoulder reaches for the collar and pulls it down so they can see the tattoos. Pulling away, they mutter, “I have a feeling I know why you’ve gotten these tattoos, but would you be willing to tell me about them?”
Regulus shakes his head, “Not tonight.”
“Of course.” James nods, their hands still burning against Regulus’ bare skin, “Would you like to sleep in the bed tonight? Or go back to your dorm.”
Regulus breathes, “I should go back to the dorm. Dorcas and I covered for each other, but Pandora and Xeno will get suspicious if I’m out and she’s not in the morning.”
James nods, “Would you like me to walk you there or do you need time for yourself.”
Does Regulus want James with him?
No one is going to care if Regulus is walking around the compound alone, the Dauntless don’t have a fucking curfew, no one is delisional enough to believe they can enforce that.
But last time Regulus was out alone at night…
And it’s nice to have James’ touch, it’s grounding and Regulus wonders if it’s the only thing that’s keeping him tethered right now, and perhaps has been all night.
After a moment, Regulus sighs, “No, I’ll do it myself. I need to prove to myself I can walk away alone after all of this.”
James watches him for a moment, then nods, “Whatever allows you to see what I can see. Are you leaving now?”
“I should. I need to get some sleep before tomorrow.”
“Good choice.” They hum, and slowly pull their hands away from Regulus’ skin, leaving it both cold and burning in the wake of their touch. They help him stand up from their lap and guide him to the door, pausing only to pull him into a short kiss before reaching over and opening the door for him, “Please get back safe. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Regulus nods and swallows, “See you tomorrow.”
The walk back is slow and Regulus spends most of it on autopilot, sorting through his thoughts, through his night.
He got to see Sirius again, got to talk to him, got to hold him in his arms. He got to see himself that his brother is safe, and happy.
Seeing Sirius and his boyfriend earlier today, seeing the way Sirius leaned into his touch and the way he joked with James on occasion. Seeing him able to fully express the version of him Regulus only got to see glimpses of while growing up.
It’s a lot. In the best way. In the worst way.
A part of Regulus wishes for nothing more than to have been able to see this transformation Sirius went through. See his lifelong confidence be greeted with love and open arms.
He can’t help but wonder if that’s how Sirius feels about him.
“Well, Mr. Regulus.” A familiar voice says as he nears the water fountain near the dorms. When Regulus turns to it, he sees Dorcas leaning against the wall, grinning at him, “It seems we both have an older secret, yeah?”
Regulus rolls his eyes but walks towards her nonetheless, “Shall we walk somewhere a bit further away from the dorm?”
“The glass ceiling?” Regulus agrees and the two of them make their way up to the glass ceiling. It’s quiet up here, and there’s only a few random Dauntless loitering around. The two find themselves a place to sit where they can see the night sky and surrounding buildings.
“How did you and Marlene start?” Regulus asks after a moment of silence.
Dorcas breathes a heavy sigh, “It’s still pretty new, just with the whole fear landscape thing. I was talking to them about how it works and different fears and situations of the simulations and found that I think they’re rather… charming. We’re just testing the waters.” She nudges him, “What about you and Prongs?”
Regulus clears his throat, “We’ve been… flirty, I guess, for much longer than you and Marlene. The whole ferris wheel thing during capture the flag, them taking care of me after going through my fears, just small touches and stuff. I don’t really know how it happened, but it just happened.”
“I figured after the day we found them at the chasm. Not every trainer just tells their initiate that they look good and reaches out to touch his tattoo.”
Regulus groans and throws his head back, “I knew you’d seen that.”
Dorcas laughs, “For what it’s worth, I could see you two working. I don’t know much about Prongs, but from what I’ve heard from Marlene… they seem good for you. Patient with whatever may be going on up there.”
Regulus nods, “They’ve… opened me up to a lot. About myself and about-”
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I’m not going to push further than you’re comfortable.”
He shakes his head, “No, I think talking to someone about it outside of this situation would be nice. And I trust you.”
Dorcas nods and, after checking it’s alright with him, wraps her arm around his shoulder and leans her cheek onto his head. It takes a while before Regulus can bring the words to his tongue, but he finally breathes out, “I was abused for most of my life.” He feels the way the words make his friend tense against him, but Dorcas doesn’t say anything. “It was both physically and emotionally and I was isolated for my entire life, expected to carry on my family's legacy of hiding secrets and getting away with some sketchy shit. I have an older brother, two years older than me, that betrayed the family during his choosing when he chose Dauntless.
“I was a very different person, for lack of better words, before Choosing. Most people knew me by another name.” Regulus breathes a sigh and, after checking the area around them, grabs Dorcas’ attention and reaches for the bag that James gave him to carry his clothes and jewelry box back in, rummaging around until he finds his binder. He doesn’t show it for long, just enough to be sure Dorcas understands what it is. Then he puts it back and leans back into her, “My brother didn’t want to chance coming back to a space where he might run into my family so he didn’t know about what had changed and didn’t know I joined Dauntless. Apparently J- Prongs has been friends with him the whole time.”
He clears his throat, “I didn’t know they knew about me and my brother until a couple days ago, when we started actually… being together, I guess. And they told me about my brother and offered to introduce us again. That’s what I was doing tonight.”
Dorcas doesn’t say anything for a long while, but Regulus finds he’s not uncomfortable with it. She begins rocking them back and forth lightly, “You’re incredible Regulus, and I fear that you haven’t been told that enough. Thank you for trusting me with this all, even if it’s probably not everything.”
“Thank you for listening.”
“Always, Regulus.” The two of them sit in another moment of silence before she hums, “Are you ready to go to bed.”
Regulus nods, “Yeah, that would be nice.” Dorcas nods back and stands up, allowing Regulus a moment to gather himself before linking their arms again and guiding him back down from the glass ceiling to the dorms.
Neither of them say anything as they get ready for bed, with Regulus remaining in the clothes he got from James, and Regulus goes to bed tired yet comfortable with the events of the day. Having a partner, having an understanding with his friend -- who is in a similar situation so he can be sure she won’t say anything until they’re ready -- having his brother again since they both promised to try again, and getting close to the final test of his initiation.
…
Despite the initiates being the ones going through this process, despite the mental torture they’re about to endure, it feels as though the entire compound is up early to celebrate and drunk by lunch, once more wearing their Dauntless best.
Regulus, who can’t find himself with much of an appetite knowing the upcoming test, grabs himself some easy food to eat and heads to a dark hallway that’s as empty as he can find right now.
It’s there, staring down at the cloth of food in his lap like it personally scorned him, that Sirius finds him somehow. He settles down next to his younger brother, with enough space between them, and is silent for a long while before he leans his head back against the stone wall, “How are you feeling about your final exam?”
“How did you find me?”
Sirius huffs at the change in topic, but goes along with it, “One of Prongs’ mates in the control room said one of the quiet initiates was hanging around in this hall and I took my chances that it was you.”
Regulus huffs a weak laugh, “What could’ve possibly told you that. Just, trying to convince my body it’s not going to vomit if I eat before going through my landscape.”
“It’ll feel like that. I promise that having something in your stomach is going to be better for you, even if it’s something small. And drink some water.”
Regulus nods, and it is quiet for a long moment, “What were your fears? James said you took them through your landscape at some point.”
Sirius hums, “I’ll show you later, when you finish your landscape. You can tell me about yours, too, if you’re comfortable.”
“That would be nice.”
Sirius nods, “When all of this is all said and done, when you’ve chosen a job, I want you to come find me so we can get that Dauntless symbol on your shoulder.”
He nods, then quietly, “Would you be willing to do Abnegation on my lower spine at some point, too?”
“We can do that. You’ll have to be careful with it, but I figure you know that with your Erudite one.” Regulus nods and Sirius nods back. Then he pushes himself to a stand, “I should eat some food before I go back to my shift, I’m here on lunch. I’ll see you around, and good luck Regulus. Eat something and get headed up before the crowd gets too much.”
Regulus swallows, “Thank you, Sirius.”
“Anytime, Reggie.” And with that, Sirius turns and walks down the hallway, weaving through the few bodies around them. Regulus watches him leave, and forces himself to choke down some bread and water. Then he pushes himself to his feet and ventures back to the dorms so he can search out his friends so they can head to the landscape room together.
Regulus just watches Dorcas’ back as he follows her through the immense crowd as they get to the simulation room. A large part of the crowd is surrounded by a wall of screens displaying Amelia standing in the middle of the simulation room, eyes wide and shaking marginally with whatever she’s facing. Regulus can’t see her fear, and he finds comfort in that. Another monitor shows her heartbeat and Regulus watches it calm before it flashes green and another monitor pops up with her time in that fear. The Dauntless cheer at it. The final screen shows a panel of Dauntless -- Snape, Tom Riddle, and other Dauntless leaders with cords fastened to their heads.
James finds the four of them in the crowd and brings them to a side waiting room with another screen showing Amelia and the Dauntless panel. Everyone is already in there when they get in, James closing the door behind them with a hand lingering on Regulus’ back for only a moment.
Barty is sitting against the far wall and, as the group nears, he dramatically pats his right leg, “You’re welcome to sit on my lap, shake off some nerves, you know.” Regulus laughs softly, noting the few amount of Dauntless-born initiates left.
He rolls his eyes when Barty’s patting gets more insistent as he nears, “As tempting as the offer is, I’d rather stand.”
Barty shrugs with one shoulder, “Suit yourself.” Then he grabs Evan by the waist and tries to force him to sit on his thigh. Evan rolls his eyes and elbows him, hard, but throws his legs over Barty’s anyways.
In the simulation room, Amelia goes into a crouch and her eyes are no longer fogged over like they were. The Dauntless panel take off their wires and head into the room from another door Regulus hadn’t seen before, congratulating Amelia for making it out. Marlene comes into the room to grab another Dauntless-born initiate and they nod at James as they pass -- and make some eyes at Dorcas that has her shooting a glance at Regulus.
James waits until Marlene and the initiate are gone before they start, “Transfers, you’ll go in reverse order of your current rankings. Once the Dauntless-borns are done, Emmeline will go first and Regulus will go last.” Regulus breathes out, contemplating what that means for him.
There are three Dauntless-borns left, then six people in front of him. Regulus will be the final person to go and, while he’ll get to know the final times, that means he has likely an hour of sitting with dread over what his fears will be. It’s both a blessing and a curse.
It’s pretty boring, watching everyone go before him. He delights in watching Barty experience pure fear -- in purely a friendly and loving way, he’ll be sure to mock Barty for it later -- and laughs as Evan nearly punches one of the Dauntless leaders when he gets out of his simulation. Then Marlene starts taking the transfers back, starting with Emmeline. She has some issue with controlling her heartbeat but is otherwise able to get through within twenty minutes.
Dorcas, even though she struggles, gets through in half the time of Emmeline. Xeno’s time is similar to hers. Avery struggles, but doesn’t do horribly. Pandora practically flies through each of their fears, but it’s apparent that they have a lot. Regulus fails to count any of his friends’ fears, but he figures they’ll talk about it later.
Before Regulus knows it, his ass is sore from the chair he moved to early on, and Mulciber is going through his landscape. The room he’s in is empty and Regulus is glad no one will have to witness his physical reactions to his fears -- especially knowing who some will surround -- but he knows his friends are waiting for him out there in a room they agreed upon meeting at.
Finally, Marlene comes into the room, “Regulus.” Regulus opens his eyes, he doesn’t know when they closed, and follows them into the simulation room. Snape is waiting for him with a syringe filled with an orange liquid and he makes quick work of stabbing it into Regulus’ neck.
“You’ll be entering your simulation soon. Get ready.” Then he leaves.
Nearly as soon as the door shuts the simulation starts. Regulus quickly finds himself in some sort of station. There are trains whizzing past him and so many people around him he can barely move. The sound of a muffled, inaudible voice, comes over the intercom and overwhelms Regulus. He looks around and panics for a moment before remembering he needs to figure out what this fear is about.
He hasn’t seen this one, but it’s not hard to find out. Control.
Taking only a moment to consider what he needs to do to get out of here. What can give him control in the situation?
There’s a board that Regulus can make out with times and train names and locations. He picks on, the train going to the Dauntless station, and notes the time and station it’ll be arriving at. The bodies at his back make it hard to think and he panics for a moment before remembering that he needs to stop the crowd from getting to his head.
With that, he imagines the train he needs pulling into the station nearest to him. He forces the people around him to part, giving him the ability to be right next to the tracks when the train pulls up, getting on as soon as the doors open.
The lights of the train go out and it takes a moment for Regulus’ eyes to adjust, but when he does, he’s in a different place. It’s the cave again, and there are cold, icy hands, pulling at his body. At his shoulders, at his legs, at his waist. He sees cold, skeletal figures in the darkness of the cold cave crawling onto the small island he’s on.
While there is the slight fear of drowning, this one is also about losing control.
Regulus swallows and thinks through his best option. There’s no entrance to the cave, there’s no way to get out.
Wincing against the feeling of hands pulling at him, forcing away the image of a cold railing at his back, he falls into the grip of the skeletal creatures, trying to keep his body relaxed as they pull him under the water. The icy cold of it shocks his body and threatens to send him flailing, not being helped as more hands come to grab at him.
His lungs burn as he tries to hold his breath for longer than he can, and it takes everything in him to let the air fall from his breath, let the cold water freeze his insides as it floods into his body. He forces the panic of the hands and the drowning away from his mind and allows them to pull him further into the depths of the water.
As the simulation changes again, Regulus coughs as the sensation of water leaves his lungs and he can properly breathe again. Though, as soon as the full change has happened, Regulus can feel where he is now before he can even bring himself to look up at the environment.
But when he does, he’s greeted by oppressive dark walls of his house in Erudite, lined with paintings of his ancestors sneering down at him. He’s kneeling on the dark, stained floorboards badly covered with ugly rugs that Regulus and Sirius were banned from playing on and in front of him is the nasty vintage, leather chaise lounge. Walburga lays back on it, glaring down at him. Nearby, Regulus senses his father sitting in his matching lounge chair nearby.
“What did I tell you about pretending to be a boy.” Walburga sneers, moving so she’s sitting and her legs are thrown over the edge, leaning forward towards him. Regulus doesn’t answer, and he can feel his father standing up at the lack of response. Walburga stands almost moments later, walking so she’s dead in front of him, his heels clicking and appearing in Regulus’ gaze on the floor.
Beside him, there’s the shifting of weight and a hand grabs his chin roughly, forcing his face to look up, “Answer your mother, insolent brat.” He spits into Regulus’ ear. Regulus forces his eyes to stay open, knowing the punishment will only be worse.
Walburga begins to berate him, yelling at him and scolding him for telling people to call him by another name, for cutting his hair without their permission, for going against their orders. Her voice gets louder and louder and Regulus feels tears filling his eyes, which makes his mother begin screaming at him about being weak.
Regulus can’t tell how long it’s been, but he allows himself to realise that this is about being weak. That to get out of this simulation -- because it is a simulation, he has to remind himself -- is to stand up to his parents.
Regulus forces his father’s hand away from his, pushing himself to stand up. He’s shorter than both of them, especially with his mother wearing her heels, but it doesn’t matter. He brings his eyes to stare into his mother’s eyes, meeting her glare and sneering at her. “I am a boy, mother. You abuse me because you lack control in your life, and you don’t want me to have control over my own to ruin your ‘perfect’ image.” The words start weak, but get stronger and stronger as he goes.
He’s amped himself up and he has more to say, except the scene changes once more before he gets the chance.
Suddenly, Regulus is in the dorms. He tamps down some of the fire from the moment before and takes in this environment. He’s greeted by Pandora, Xeno, and Dorcas standing around him.
“Come on, Regulus,” Xeno says, “Just tell us how you do so well in the simulations.”
Dorcas nods, “You must’ve found a way to cheat the system, there’s no way you could do so well otherwise.”
“Is it so hard to believe that I’m just good at facing my fears?” Regulus bites back, still amped up from the confrontation with his parents.
“You have not an ounce of strength in your body, Regulus, why can’t you accept that?” Dorcas says, mockingly and tilting her head, “So just tell us how you do it.”
Pandora nods, “You can’t fight so it’s clearly the only thing you're good for.”
“What’s the trick?” Xeno pushes.
“There’s no fucking trick,” Regulus sneers, pushing back against them, “Is that really all you think of me?” Regulus wracks his brain for what this fear could be. What part of this interaction is he scared of?
“Of course,” Dorcas says again, feigning a pout, “Why else would we pretend to be your friends?”
That’s it.
Being taken advantage of.
But how does Regulus push against that?
“You’re not pretending to be my friends.” Regulus rolls his eyes, like the idea is ridiculous. “I mean more to you than just my intelligence or my fucking ranking.”
“Well, considering the only time you had a good ranking was during the mind-based part.” Pandora singsongs.
“You saw me get stronger and more confident, you saw me start to beat those fights. You’re being ridiculous, I am more than just my mind.” With those words, with that admission, the scene fades away and Regulus is in the dark for a moment.
Then the room is filled with lights and Regulus is in the Erudite compound library. The one furthest from his house, the one that he spent much of his free time at to escape from his parents and fall into his own fantasy. It’s the only library that holds fiction books, small moments of fantasy that gave Regulus a breath of fresh air from his usual readings hidden with discreet names and covers similar to their non-fiction counterparts.
Regulus hates that his sanctuary may be ruined by this.
The library is well lit with its softer lighting but Regulus can see that it’s getting dark out through the windows he’s settled near. He should get up and get back to his house here soon. However, before he can turn and start to pack up, there’s someone standing at the window.
It throws Regulus for a second, because he knows how little nook is settled on the second floor of the library. And then he looks closer at the figure and, while he couldn’t see the faces of the skeletal creatures in the cave, something in him tells him that it’s the same thing. Thunder cracks through the sky, lighting it for a moment, and in that moment two more of the skeletal creatures appear next to the first one, their faces all skinned over.
One of them brings a misfigured arm, bent in angles it shouldn’t be, to rap at the window with sharp claws. Regulus stands up and begins to pack his things into his bag. But before he can get there, the two other creatures are slamming their hands into the window and the glass begins to crack. Regulus abandons his things and begins to rush through the library, cracking and groaning sound from the creatures echoing behind him.
However, as Regulus rounds some of the shelves, the grand staircase that’s normally front and center of the library, has disappeared. Regulus feels his breath pick up, because he can hear the groaning and stumbling of the creatures behind him. He moves on, knowing there was an emergency staircase that’s usually open hidden behind various shelves and decor.
The door is locked when Regulus gets to it. The sound of the creatures -- are there more of them now? -- is getting nearer and Regulus is feeling increasingly panicked. He slams his shoulder against the door, praying that it’ll open.
Then muttering that it will open under his next slam into it. With another shoulder check, the door flings open and it takes everything within Regulus to stop himself from flying down the staircase. He rushes down the flight of stairs, bursting through the door at the bottom.
Once in the main part of the library, it’s instinct for Regulus’ legs to carry him to the exit of the library. However, the main doors are surrounded by more fo those fucking skeletal creatures, reaching out and grasping towards him accompanied by the agonising sound of bones cracking with each movement of their unnatural. The phantom feeling of their cold hands from the fear in the cave invades Regulus’ senses and he turns to run away.
He’s stuck in the library.
Regulus turns on his heels and runs towards somewhere else in the library, coming up to a set of windows that are filled with the creatures. Regulus once more forces his body against it, willing it to crack under his weight and pressure. Eventually, with a couple hits, just as the creatures are starting to reach him, just as cold hands are grasping at his ankle, the window shatters and Regulus goes tumbling out of the library, letting out a breathy laugh of relief.
Regulus is laying on a bed when the scene changes, shoulder still hurting from slamming into the windows and the door, then from landing on shards of glass with that very shoulder. In front of him, standing just off the edge of the bed is James.
He furrows his brows, he’s not scared of James.
James walks towards the bed and presses their knee onto it, leaning over Regulus. They lean down and slot their lips with Regulus’, grinning on the way down. Regulus melts into it, lets James press into him just a bit and delights in the sensation of them kissing him.
Their hands reach down to his shirt, a comfortable black one he chose considering he would likely be sweating during this simulation, their hand tracing under the hem of his shirt in a familiar motion. It slowly begins to explore up, the shirt hooking on their arm and leaving his stomach exposed. Curious, warm fingers creep until they’re at the edge of his binder, and James puts more weight onto his body.
Everything clicks.
Regulus isn’t scared of James. He’s scared of intimacy, scared of affection.
Touch always meant pain growing up, and the only affection he had growing up with his brother’s familial touch.
He’s scared of being intimate because he’s not…
Because he’s trans.
James’ hands explore further around his binder, reaching up to where one of his breasts is compressed to his chest, groping through the material at his chest.
This isn’t the other fear. It isn’t heart-racing, deadly fear. It’s nervousness. It’s the fear that he’ll never be enough. Never be enough of a ‘man’ for someone to even want to be intimate, let alone enjoy anything
Regulus pushes James away as their hand begins to explore, but they push back, insistent. Regulus doesn’t know how to fight this one. He’s pretty sure that James wouldn’t do this to him, wouldn’t push him further than he would want to, but how can he be sure? How can he be sure that it really wouldn’t bother James?
Their hand moves to his belt, beginning to unbuckle it.
Regulus swallows.
How does he deal with this?
His belt unbuckled, James reaches to unbutton his fly, then pull down his zipper.
Regulus pushes their hand away once more, this time gripping their wrists in both hands and pushing them off of him. He sits up, reminds himself that James already knows he’s trans and still wants to be with him. “We are not doing this, it is my mind playing with me and that’s not how it should be.” Simulation James hums and Regulus pushes them as hard as he can, sending them to the other end of the bed.
The room goes black and the first thing Regulus registers a click to the right of his head.
He knows this one.
He knows who is going to be standing at the other end of the room. Regulus reaches forward and grabs the gun from the table in front of him without even looking at it. He readjusts his grip on it, finger squeezing the trigger just enough to be ready to shoot it but not enough to accidentally fire it. He searches for a sense of comfort for being able to hold and control the gun.
Regulus watches Sirius across the room. This Sirius has morphed into the one he has seen now, the current Sirius instead of the memory he had of him. It almost makes this worse, it makes him falter.
He just got Sirius back.
“Do it.” Skeeter’s voice hisses in his ear. A cold metal ring presses against the side of his head. “If you don’t, I’ll fucking kill you.”
Sirius’ voice is the one Regulus heard just earlier today, telling him that it’ll be alright and they should share their fears when he gets out of this, when he speaks, “I understand Regulus, you can shoot me.”
“I won’t.” Regulus shakes his head. To his right, Rita Skeeter starts loudly counting down from ten.
Regulus raises his gun, and delight fills Skeeter’s tone as she continues counting down. As she gets to five, Regulus turns the gun and faces his own barrel.
He squeezes the trigger a bit more, getting familiar with this angle.
Regulus has never feared death.
In fact, there have been times where he’s even fantasised or wondered what death would feel like. The thought of falling from a height, which he got to experience when going through James’ fearscape.
“Four!” Rita shouts, her voice grating in his mind. Regulus figures out the best grip for this.
“Three!” He squeezes the trigger just so.
“Two!”
Finally the gun goes off before she gets the chance to get to one and fire her own gun. Sirius fades out of his gaze in front of him as his visions blacks out.
Moments later, the lights come up and Regulus, who has somehow taken himself into the corner of the fear landscape room, is curled up and quickly taking in his environment. Regulus feels fucking cold, even if there’s the wetness of sweat pooling in the armpit of his shirt.
Regulus feels himself relax against the wall as his heartbeat truly calms down, as he remembers where he is. As he realises that he fucking did it.
He just got through the fear simulation.
His initiation is over.
Now all he can hope is that his time is good enough to land him a good place in the rankings.
The door opens and Snape, Riddle, Marlene, James, and the other leaders in the panel walk into the room. James offers Regulus a warm, comforting smile.
Snape hums, “Congratulations, Regulus. You have completed your final evaluation. Results will be available for you during dinner.” Regulus nods and tries to conjure up an appropriate facial response, and with that they all trail away.
James is the only one that lingers and they extend their hand out for him to take, “Congratulations, Reg. You did amazing.”
“Did I?” Regulus asks, taking their hand and letting them pull him up.
“I shouldn’t be telling you this,” they start, “but you got the fastest time.” Holding his hand fast, they lead him out of the room and into the glass ceiling room. They walk through the masses together, “Come back to my place with me for a while? You can tell me about it.”
Regulus nods, then, “Wait for me somewhere, I have to go meet with my friends.”
James nods, “I’ll be by the stairs for you.” Regulus nods and thanks them, heading to where he and the others planned to meet.
When Regulus gets to them, Pandora and Xeno are leaning into each other, still a little ashen. Dorcas seems relatively composed and she and Amelia stand near other, watching Barty and Evan fucking around with each other.
Pandora is the first to notice him, breaking out into a big grin, “Regulus! How was it?”
Regulus swallows, “Not my favourite thing I’ve ever done.”
They let out a laugh, “You got out quickly.”
He nods, “I only had seven fears and you guys know that I’m already fast at them.”
“Only seven?” Barty whines, “I had fucking twelve.”
“That’s what you get for trying to be cocky all the fucking time.” Evan grumbles.
Xeno ignores them, “That’s great, Regulus. We were thinking of going and getting celebratory tattoos, if we can manage to get an appointment. Want to come with us?”
Regulus shakes his head, “I’m… I think I’ll just take some time for myself to really come down.”
“Are you okay?” Dorcas asks.
“Fine, just still a bit shaken from… everything.” He gives her a look, hoping that he can translate to her the type of fears he experienced. That they struck straight into his home life, his own insecurities and gender dysphoria, and that he would like to spend some time with James.
She seems to get it and nods, “Of course, I’ll come find you when it’s time for the banquet?” Regulus agrees and waits for the group to head in front of him, though he doesn’t wait long. He follows close enough behind them that he can hear James congratulating every one of his friends as they pass by, Marlene standing near them.
When the coast is clear, Regulus walks up to James and Marlene. The blonde grins at him, “Good job, Regulus. I didn’t get to see your run, but James has been telling me about it.”
“Thank you, Marlene.”
“Now you two go have fun, don’t do anything I wouldn’t!” James rolls their eyes, but sweeps forward nonetheless and gently rests their hand on his lower back.
As they start to guide him away, Regulus turns his head to throw over his shoulder, “Let Dorcas know where James’ flat is, she’s going to come get me before the banquet.”
“Where is she going to be?”
“Hoping to get a tattoo.” Regulus informs them, turning away when they nod and disappear into the crowd, many people stopping and congratulating or commenting on Regulus’ exam.
When the two of them get into James’ place, Regulus excuses himself to splash his hands and face with some water and take some final deep breaths. When he emerges from the bathroom, James is waiting for him with a glass of water.
“So I heard,” James starts, walking over to their bed and settling on it, back pressed against the wall, “that you only have seven fears. Quite rare.”
Regulus furrows his brows, “Weren’t you watching it?”
They shake their head, “Only the screens, otherwise I would’ve been watching everyone’s simulation. The panel seemed rather impressed.”
Regulus rolls his shoulders, “You have four fears, I doubt seven is that comparable.”
“Doesn’t matter how many fears I have, the fact that you have the least of all the initiates, by a landslide, this year is incredible.” They wave their hand as if dismissing the thought that they’re better than him.
He swallows, “How much did they tell you about my fearscape?”
“Not much.” James hums, “That you have seven fears and that you got through them quickly. Why?” Regulus shakes his head and swallows around a lump in his throat. James furrows their brows and stands up, walking towards him and cupping his face, “What’s wrong, Reg? What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” Regulus shakes his head again.
James leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to his temple, one of their hands trailing up into his hair and toying with the curls. Regulus allows himself to lean into their body. They gently guide him to their bed, sitting him down on it and sitting next to him. They lean forward and gently press their lips to his, keeping one hand in his hair and trailing the other down to his back.
Regulus pulls away instinctively at the touch.
James furrows their brows, “Talk with me, Reg. What’s happening?”
Regulus swallows and watches them for a while, trying to formulate what he wants to say.
Then, “What are you getting out of this, James?”
“What am I getting out of this? What do you mean, Regulus?”
“There are so many people in this compound,” Regulus starts, “That are more attractive than me, closer to you in age, and that want you. Why would you choose me of all people?”
“Because I don’t want them. I want you, and that’s what I’m getting out of this. I’m not doing this for sex or to have one over you or anything like that. I just want to spend time around you and be with you.”
“But I’m not even a real…” he trails off, not able to say it to them.
“So fucking what, Regulus,” James says, firm but not angry, “I’m not any fucking gender. Why would I care that you’re not what you were born as? I find you attractive and funny and strong and challenging all the same. It wouldn’t matter to me.”
Regulus swallows and looks down, trying to hide the tears welling up in his eyes at the words, “You were one of my fears, James…”
Immediately their hands have pulled away from his body like he burned them, “What?” They sound hurt and it squeezes at Regulus’ heart strings, “You’re afraid of me? Why? Did I do something wrong?”
“Not you, just what you represent.”
“What does that mean?” James furrows their brows, slowly reaching their hands out and hovering them over either side of his neck. Regulus gingerly puts his own over theirs and pulls it to his skin. They hum, “You have to be clearer with me, love.”
Regulus breathes in heavily at the nickname, “I’m not scared of you, James, I’m scared of intimacy. Of any kind.” James is silent, and Regulus drags his eyes up to stare into James’, finding something unreadable. He swallows and pushes on, “You seem so comfortable with affection and I don’t want to disappoint you.”
James watches him for a while, searches his face with their eyes. Then, “I adore affection, and sometimes I can be overbearing with it, I forget that there are people who aren’t used to it. But, Regulus, you have to talk to me about this. I’ll be okay with anything you’re comfortable with, and I don’t expect anything you’re not willing to give me.” They shake their head, “And, I don’t care that you’re trans. Your body is not the sole thing I like about you, not to say that I don’t appreciate it, you are so much more than your identity.”
Regulus swallows, then, quietly, murmurs, “Thank you.” He leans forward and presses his forehead to James’, laughing weakly, “I guess it was weird for me to assume you’d be strange about my gender identity.”
James hums, “I moved to Dauntless from Abnegation and left my family so I could choose. So I could choose how people refer to me and choose what gender of person I date, not that I care much for gender -- both my own and other’s -- and I chose you. Nothing is going to change that.” Regulus nods with another swallow, overwhelmed by the emotions the words surge into him. James slowly begins to move their hands down, leaving their foreheads pressed. One hand stays on his neck, toying with the hair at the bottom of it, the other trailing down to his shoulder.
“Would you be okay with talking about your tattoos now? I know you said you didn’t want to earlier.”
Regulus nods, “We can.”
“Can I move your shirt down?” He nods again and James allows their hand to drag the collar of Regulus’ shirt down just enough to see the cat and Erudite symbol. “Tell me about them?”
Regulus breathes, “The cat is for me, the dog is for my brother. Padfoot, I think you said his dog tattoo was named. The Erudite and Dauntless are because they’re both a part of me.”
“Who did the Erudite one, it’s hard to find an artist that will do one for another faction?”
“Mary.”
James nods, “Sounds about right.”
Regulus nods, “Sirius said he would do my Dauntless one after the ceremony and I get settled in. Then Abnegation at some point.”
“I can figure out why you want Erudite and Dauntless, but why Abnegation?”
He thinks for a moment, licking the top of his mouth, “There’s a lot of bravery in being selfless, that’s why I always thought Sirius was super brave, he was selfless and would go out of his way to protect me. I’m not a very selfless person and I want to have something to remind me of that. Having it at the base of my spine will remind me that it’s the root of bravery and intelligence.”
James hums, “You are Divergent in every way.” When Regulus tenses, they hum, “We can talk about it here. We’re not monitored in our spaces. I just ask that you try not to show it too much.”
“You’ve already warned me.”
“It’s always good to do with the warning.” James hums, “But I can’t say much, I have the same tattoo.”
Regulus furrows his brows, “What?”
“You want to see it? Would you be comfortable with me taking my shirt off?” James asks. Regulus thinks for a moment before slowly nodding. James nods back and goes to stand up, taking their shirt off in one smooth motion. There are flames across their right hip from the back and a pair of antlers extending over their chest with a paw print underneath each side of the antler and a rat between them.
Regulus sits up and kneels on the bed, reaching up but stopping before he can actually touch James, “Can I?” James nods, watching as he reaches out and ghosts his fingers over their tattoo, “I can figure out the meaning of this one pretty easily, yeah?” James bites the corner of their lip and nods with an amused look. Regulus takes a moment to trace over the antlers, bringing them gently down from the top of the right one, lingering between them, then going back up the left.
“I have more, Reg.” James smiles. Regulus rolls his eyes and pulls his hand away from their body. Then, they turn around and display their back, which is covered. Each faction symbol is displayed on their brown skin, the colours standing out against it beautifully. The Dauntless and Abnegation symbols sit right next to each other at the top of their spine, tucked between their shoulder blades, with the other three smaller than the other two, stacked under them. There are roots coming from the bottom of their spine, branching into an abstract tree that extends up and around their back.
Regulus’ fingers touch their back James sighs, “I think we’ve put too much importance on one virtue that we’ve forgotten how to treat everyone like equals. We treat others like they’re lesser because they’re what we perceive as ‘weak’ based on our own standards of strength and bravery. The Erudite believe everyone other than them is lesser because we’re not as intelligent, once more based on their own creation of ‘intelligence’. We see it with all the factions and it is dividing us better than helping us like we pretend it does.”
“Very Divergent of you to say.”
James hums, “It is, and that’s what scares them. The faction leaders know we think this way and they believe it is a weakness. And a danger to the system we’ve set up. It’s why they hunt us.”
“Did Sirius do this one?” Regulus asks.
If they’re bothered by the change in topic, they don’t show it, “He helped design it. One of their mentors did it for me.”
“Do you think I should get Amity and Candor on me one day?”
“I think you should get them when you feel like you believe it about yourself.” James says, turning around and putting their shirt back on. They allow the words to linger until they’ve sat back down on the bed, “You got Erudite because it’s a part of you. Pads is doing Dauntless because you’re now one of us, you’ve proved your bravery. You want Abnegation because you want to learn to be more selfless. When you believe that you’re a kind person and you have no reason to not be truthful, that’s when I think you should get Candor and Amity.”
“I hate that you’re able to read me so well.”
James huffs a laugh at that. They lean forward and press a kiss to Regulus’ mouth, only for a moment.
When they pull away, Regulus hums, “Thank you for showing me, James.”
“Thank you for being truthful with me about your fears, Reg.”
“Maybe one day, you won’t be a fear.”
“And you’ll only have six fears. Much more impressive than seven.”
“Says the person with only four.” Regulus rolls his eyes. James laughs and leans in for another kiss, their right hand settling on his hip and their left once more going to his hair and toying with the curls there. Regulus rests his own hands over James’ shoulders.
Notes:
I know the inferi have faces, but I really like creepy faceless creatures, so they’re faceless now
Badhairred on Chapter 1 Sun 26 Jan 2025 10:37AM UTC
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StarryyVenus on Chapter 1 Tue 06 May 2025 04:47AM UTC
Last Edited Tue 06 May 2025 05:11AM UTC
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StarryyVenus on Chapter 6 Tue 06 May 2025 03:49PM UTC
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StarryyVenus on Chapter 7 Tue 06 May 2025 05:32PM UTC
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