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[Transcript of Guard #2187’s Audio Log]
Alright. It happened. The moment we’ve all been waiting for.
Or, well. The moment he’s been waiting for. Me? I was waiting for this whole godforsaken job to be over, but alas, I’m still here. Because capitalism. Because employment contracts. Because somebody upstairs thought I needed one more opportunity to watch my boss embarrass himself over a man in his forties who probably still drinks banana milk with a straw and eats instant noodles raw.
Anyway. The grand, ultra-secret, ultra-mysterious limousine finale has commenced.
Now, personally, if I had just survived a state-sanctioned murder game and won 46 billion won, I’d be in a hospital recovering from my trauma-induced coma, not taking a random limo ride with my trench coat-wearing, voice-modulator-using, perpetually brooding murder game overlord. But that’s just silly old me. Gihun must be thrilled to finally meet his stalker. I mean. The master of the games’. That’s totally all he is.
(But then again – when Boss “asks” something of you it’s never a plea. It’s a freaking order. Poor tired Seong Gihun probably did not have much of a choice)
Why the hell am I in the back of a limousine right now, watching my boss attempt to have a Cool and Mysterious Villain Moment with the same man he’s been secretly simping over since the games started, you might ask? Why am I here for this? I do not know. My life is but eternal suffering at this point.
So, Gi-hun lets himself be led into the car, looking like he just crawled out of a sewer (which, let’s be real, spiritually, he has). He’s confused. He’s wary. And then Boss—this absolute SIMP in a mask—decides that now, right now, is the perfect moment to activate his nonexistent rizz.
I am not joking. He tries to go full mysterious and alluring villain on the man.
Couldn’t have chosen a better time for that. Let’s try and seduce the man whose best friend has just killed himself in the very same games the Front Man overlooked.
Can’t see that one going wrong.
“Congratulations, Player 456,” he says, all deep and menacing, like he’s narrating an overpriced whiskey commercial. (Oh, so now it’s back to numbers huh? Boss I swear to God, GET A GRIP. You’re not gonna score any this way.)
Gi-hun, bless his traumatized soul, just blinks at him like a confused golden retriever. (At least that’s what Boss would probably say. To me, he looks more like a wet rat. What does the Front Man see in him anyways??)
It’s not the end of my nightmare though. No. Because then Boss does The Lean™. You know, the one. The dangerously close, dramatic, ‘ooh look how ominous and sexy I am’ kind of lean. The villain lean. I could practically hear the nonexistent cinematography department screaming for a slow zoom-in.
“Was the game worth it?” Boss purrs. Purrs. Like he thinks this is a poorly written fan fiction, not a post-murder debriefing.
Sir. SIR.
Read the room. You’re so not rizzing him up.
Gi-hun is sitting there, mentally fighting for his life, and Boss is out here undoubtedly giving him bedroom eyes behind his black mask. I’m losing my goddamn mind. What am I doing here again? Am I some kind of moral support?
Gi-hun, to his credit, does not punch him in the face. Instead, he just stares like his one brain cell is buffering.
Processing flirtation… Error 404: Concept Not Found.
Meanwhile Boss, not deterred by the complete lack of reciprocation, keeps going.
Praises his dear Gihun’s performance in the challenges of games, says how proud he is…
(That’s not fair. Boss literally forced us to make him a winner. What is there to be proud of? Us guards are the ones doing all the true hard work but he hasn’t told us he’s proud of us. Not even once. Ha! No wonder he’s got no friends)
And then started yapping something about the players, Gihun’s dead friends, were like horses they liked to bet on? What the hell. Is he trying to make the winner like or hate him? Is that this whole love/hate trope?
I zone out of most of their bickering (they bicker like an old married couple. Disgusting). I’m not here by choice and I sure as hell won’t be paying any real attention to my Boss trying to woo hi crush.
Thankfully they do run out of topics to argue about. Eventually.
And now, finally, is time for the card. The prize money? The sole reason the previous week has happened?
Yeah, player 456 doesn’t want it. Tells the Front Man to shove it up his ass.
And said man? Said man appears to be seriously considering it.
Please let me out. Don’t even need to stop the limo. Actually. Don’t stop it. Speed up. I’ll gladly jump out of it right in this instant.
Boss doesn’t take him up on the offer (?). Thank God for that.
He takes things in his own hands instead and forcibly pushes the card into Gihun’s hands.
+ he touches Gi-hun’s wrist as he hands it over.
Like, not just a normal handoff. A full linger. I am talking intentional thumb graze, slow fingers retracting, nearly a caress.
Gi-hun stiffens, blinking at the contact. Boss is still as a statue. I am having a crisis.
“Take it,” Boss says, voice all smooth and deep, like he didn’t just pull the most obviously deliberate touch known to mankind. “You’ve earned it.”
And the worst part? The absolute worst part??
Gi-hun blushes.
Not a full tomato-face, but a definite pink dusting his ears. A slight falter as he takes the card, a quiet whimper. His face looks like he just realized something is going on but is unsure as to what exactly.
And here I thought that despite all his flaws, Seong Gihun was the less unhinged one. Guess I was wrong.
That’s the literal mastermind behind the games that you’ve just barely survived?? He’s an evil psychopath and has been ogling your ass (and every other part of your body) for the past week without your knowledge?
HOW CAN HE GET TURNED ON BY THAT?
HELP.
I don’t know what alternate dimension I just entered, but suddenly, Boss actually has game??? Not a lot. Just barely. But the fact that he went from pathetic silent yearning to this is sending me into another plane of existence.
Anyway. Gi-hun, still a little thrown off, makes a hasty exit—except that’s where I come in. Unintentionally.
Because as he’s moving toward the limo door, I shift slightly (they’ve been yapping for hours, I can’t even feel my legs anymore) and my boot accidentally catches his foot.
And so the absolute disaster of a man comes crashing down. His fast reflexes save him from having a close hug with the car’s floor and he leans forward, hands outstretched, and manages to grab on the leather seats instead.
Which leaves his ass up in the air.
Right in front of Boss.
Oh god I’m so cooked. It’s the Dalgona game all over again.
And wait. Actually, looking at the man now… Maybe I can see why Boss likes him so much.
Shit. Can he read our minds?? Do we have some mind-reading chips implanted?
No. I’m too young too die! It was a mistake!
I do not move. I do not breathe. I have just taken down the winner of the Squid Game, the Boss’s crush, and I am prepared to die for my sins.
I shoot the Front Man a panicked look but he pays me no mind.
His whole focus is on Gihun’s backside. But of course. What was I even worried about.
Silly me.
Boss, though? He makes a sound. A little exhale through his nose. Amused.
And then—
“Oh,” he says, lightly, as if the absolute insanity of this moment isn’t happening. “Careful there, Gihun-ssi.”
Get a room, please.
Gihun scrambles up, muttering something about shitty limos and uneven floors, red-faced for an entirely new reason now. He bolts before anything else can happen.
Boss watches him go.
And then turns to me.
“You did well,” he says.
…Excuse me???
“Sir?” I say, because I did not, in fact, do well. I just nearly body-slammed his crush into the floor.
He nods, like I just made his entire day. “I’ll be increasing your salary.”
…Huh??? And is he… Crying?
What’s even my life at this point. A comedy. And I? I’m the poor, unfortunate third-wheel doomed to life in misery forever tainted by two main characters of the show.
But with a pay raise, can I really complain? Maybe I’ll be able to finally have my dream vacation far, far, far away from both the Frontman and his silly crush? Lover? Whoever the man is. As long as he’s far away from me.
So anyway, that’s how I ended up with a raise, and that’s also how I decided that maybe this job is worth keeping. Not out of loyalty. Not out of dedication. But because if I’m going to witness workplace romance bullshit, I might as well be getting paid extra for it.
Also, Gi-hun is officially out of the games and out of our lives, so this entire fever dream might finally be over.
Probably. Hopefully.
…Right?
[End of Transcript]
NOTE TO SELF
Final conclusions:
- My boss is still a middle-aged simp, but I’ll admit—he might have some game after all.
- Gi-hun might need a manual on How to Detect When A Man Is Trying, and Failing, to Flirt With You (For Dummies).
- I’ll be keeping the job. Out of precaution. If such a situation were to ever repeat itself my fellow guards will be in need of a seasoned veteran like myself.