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“If you don’t plan to kiss that man at midnight, I swear I will.”
Stede looks around to find Lucius propped up against the makeshift bar in the kitchen, taking alternative slips out of fluorescent cocktails in stolen pint glasses.
“Who? I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Please,” Lucuis sighed dramatically, like Lucuis is capable of doing anything undramatically, as he liberally poured more vodka into both of his drinks.
Stede’s not a complete idiot, he knows perfectly well who Lucius is talking about but he’s not going to give in to his attempts of meddling with Stede’s love life. Ha, love life, that’s a joke and not a very good one. He’s not going to make a complete fool out of himself and kiss the only man he’s dreamed about kissing (among other stuff) for the past few months.
So here’s the problem, Stede’s in love with his best friend. Madly in love, in fact, to the point of near insanity. And he knows he doesn’t feel the same way about him because why would he? What has Stede got going for himself? He only just came out this year, still in the “baby gay” phase as Lucius still keeps referring to it as, he hasn’t got a clue about, well, everything really. He uprooted his whole miserable life to start again and to try to figure everything out, three decades after he should have. He’s a mess, a mess that’s in the long ongoing process of being organised but an organised mess is still a mess.
As sad as it sounds, he’s never had a best friend before meeting Ed earlier in the year. He can’t jeopardise what they have together just because Stede has to do something as silly as fall in love. It’s probably just a silly little crush anyway, he will get over it. Friends do that all the time, right? Maybe he just hasn’t experienced real friendship before. No, it’s better to keep what they have. He can’t lose him all together.
“Oh look, speak of the devil.” Lucius says as he pours another bottle into the drinks.
Stede whips his head around to see the highlight of his day walk into the kitchen.
“Ed!” Stede beams before remembering he’s trying to not be his usual self, failing once again.
“Hi, mate,” he says as he wraps his arms around Stede into a warm embrace. Before Ed, Stede wouldn’t have dreamed of someone hugging him so casually. The intimacy of close friendship, it’s a new experience for him. It simply wasn’t done in his old life. But with Ed, it seems like second nature. The man gives off warmth. A comfort he never knew he had missing from his life. Stede closed his eyes and melted into the warm familiarity of the leather of Ed’s jacket. No, he was not going to give up this for a foolish notion of love. Ed’s just being friendly, like friends do, normal friends, that are not in love, he does this with everyone, right?
The moment was interrupted, rudely, by Lucius not so subtly coughing and with it, Ed letting go of him with a fond smile still on his face.
“Hello? You two stop being cute for one minute and look at me. Hi, I’m the host. I believe I'm the one that should be getting all the attention?”
Ed chuckles, the sound goes straight to Stede’s heart.
“Is that for me?” Luicus says, his eyes on the bottle in Ed’s hand. Was that there all along?
“Hello to you too. It’s for the party, so don’t drink it all at once."
“I knew there was a reason I kept you around,” he says, inspecting the bottle, “Oooh, it’s the good stuff as well.”
“Some of us are too old to be drinking whatever the fuck that radioactive shit is you have. Seriously, what the fuck is in that?” Ed gestures to the now neon green drinks.
“All my hopes and dreams.”
“It’s mainly vodka.” Stede corrects.
“Fine. If my genius mixology skills are not appreciated here then I will find someone that will appreciate me for the humble overlooked genius that I am” he says before shouting “Pete, babe, I’ve got us some drinkies.”
As he leaves the kitchen, Lucius turns back towards Stede, and as serious as he is capable of looking while holding two pints of radioactive cocktails, "Remember what I said.”
And if on cue (or more like bumped up the playlist queue when Stede wasn’t paying attention), the unmistakable sound of the opening of Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (Man After Midnight) plays from the speaker of the living room, the faint sound echoing through to them. And Lucius gives a shit-eating grin in Stede’s direction before exiting. Is that man capable of being undramatic for once in this life?
“What was all that about?”
“Just Lucius being Lucius but Lucius being Lucius when Lucius has had some drinks, so what’s that double Lucius? Lucius squared?”
“Exponential amount of Lucius.”
“What a terrifying thought.”
“Let’s say we crack this open then and hope it saves us from him in his multiplying forms.”
“Let’s.”
Stede’s never been one for parties. Always forced to go by others who never truly wanted him there, forced to pretend he wanted to be there. Some weird circle of social obligation, what even was the point? He never ends up saying the right thing or acting the right way, it’s like everyone has been issued the rulebook and he wasn’t invited to the meeting where they were given out. No, safe to say Stede wasn’t a big fan of parties before.
But after his big gay awakening and his whole world crashing down all around him, parties suddenly weren’t a big scary thing anymore. Turns out they can actually be fun sometimes if you are surrounded by the right people. Stede is lucky in that regard, having been adopted by the crew. A strange bunch misfits and he fits right at home in their company.
That’s how he first met Ed, at one of Lucius and Pete’s parties. Early summer BBQ and in typical fashion, it was chucking down rain. Newly out and less so proud and more like fucking terrified, hurdling from the rain under a plastic gazebo, trying his best not to fuck it all up. Up popped Ed with a terrible joke and from that they started talking. They bumped into each other at various social events, Stede actively making an effort to attend, and by the third time they exchanged numbers, became friends, met up for coffee, meals, walks along the coast, 3am trauma sharing conversations, you know normal friend stuff.
Being with Ed is just easy.
“What you thinking about?” Ed’s words bring Stede back to reality.
“What? Nothing? Who says I’m thinking?”
“You’ve got that look.”
“What look?”
“Where you go all pensive and stare out to sea, a longingly captain sort of look.”
“I do not do that.”
“Here you are standing on one of those old-timey boats, you know, with proper sails and shit, wind blowing in your perfect hair, and what’s that sound?” Ed says, before attending to mimic a bird call, “Oh no, the dreaded seagulls! Watch out! They are going to nick your nibbles.”
Ed swoops down and steals a mozzarella stick off Stede’s plate that he was holding while making a noise that sounds less like a seagull but more like a reversing bin lorry.
“Seriously, you okay? Looks like you are doing some serious thinking.”
“Just thinking about the past year. It’s been… a year.”
“It certainly has.”
“‘All we have is this one life.’ That's what Mary said to me last New Year's Eve.”
“Wise women.”
“Yeah, well, it resulted in our divorce in the end.”
“As I said, wise women.”
Before he could start getting too reflective, Stede reached over and raided a sausage roll off Ed’s plate.
“You pirate!”
Ed gives him a look from across the dancefloor, which Stede can not quite distinguish. His eyes never leave Stede’s, it’s like he’s the only one here. Saying the dancefloor makes it sound grand when in reality it’s Lucius and Pete’s living room floor with the furniture pushed back to the walls. There is a song on the well curated playlist currently playing that Stede just can’t quite recognise, the beat lining up to his thumping heart.
Ed is still looking at him. And in that moment, everything blurs out around him. His heart is drumming loudly, so loudly that it is impossible to ignore any longer. It’s just him and Ed. And in this moment, nothing else matters.
And that smile. Warm. The warmest. The crinkling of his eyes. Fuck. No one has ever looked at him like that before. Fuck.
Oh fuck.
Ed is still looking at him like that.
Fuck.
How does he do that with his eyes?
Fuck it.
He’s going to do it.
Friends kiss all the time, right?
It doesn’t have to mean anything?
Right? Right?
A sign of welcoming in the New Year.
But…
He’s looking at him like that.
He can’t just…
He wants him but he can’t have him.
Stede flees.
Flees may makes it sound too dramatic than it actually is, like he’s done a midnight runner, but Stede ends up back in the kitchen in the hope of some alone time, only to find Lucius there. Typical. To be fair, it is his kitchen, but still, his point stands.
“Do you think I don’t see you two eye fucking in there?”
“What?”
“Do I really have to spell it out for you?”
“Lucius, don’t, okay.”
“No, I will. You two are fucking idiots and both of you need to get your shit together, alright?”
“Lu–”
“Don’t. I’m not finished. You like him, he likes you, what the fuck is your issue here? For everyone’s sake do something about it. Sooner rather than later, my poor old heart can’t take this anymore, the stress will kill me and you will be paying for my funeral and I will be acquiring a grand tomb. You know how hard it is for me to watch the pair of you? I just want to smash your two heads together, knock some sense into you both or make you kiss, like you are two Kens and I’m your God and I’m controlling you both,” he finally ends before grabbing two bananas and making them kiss, complete with sound effects.
“How much have you had to drink?”
“Not enough, apparently. Kiss the man!”
Stede ends up in the garden. Not hiding exactly. More like a tactical retreat. Some alone time to plan his attack. No, not attack, no one is attacking. Fuck. He can’t do this. What if Lucius is right? Ed can’t like him the way Stede likes Ed. He can’t. Why would he? Why is he doing this much thinking today of all days?
The cold winter air hits him but sadly doesn’t knock any sense into him. The party is continuing in the house without him. Music faded out. He hopes Ed is having fun. He deserves it. He deserves everything. More than what Stede can give him. He pulls his legs closer to his chest as he sits on the stairs of the decking, absently stroking his knees with his thumbs.
Why did he think this was a good idea? Kissing Ed. He only has stupid ideas. Why would this one be any different?
“Hey”, Ed’s voice behind him, soft, warm, and as comforting as ever, “mind if I join you?”
Stede nods as he remains with his thoughts. Of course, he doesn’t mind. He wants to spend the rest of his life with Ed by his side, that’s the problem.
They sit in a comfortable silence until Ed breaks it, “So, I’ve also been thinking, you know, about this year”, he says as he picks away at something on his knee, not making eye contact with Stede, not even looking at Stede, eyes fixed down at his knees.
“Yeah? What about this year?”
“Things were pretty shit, you know, like at the start of the year,” Ed says. Stede does know, not all the details but enough to know, Ed wasn’t in the best place this time last year. Fuck, he should have thought about that instead of thinking about himself all night. How is Ed coping? As badly as he is?
“Ed, I… are you okay? Sorry, I should have asked sooner.”
“Yeah, mate, more than okay. I’m just thinking that I’ve finally learned to do what makes Ed happy.”
“And what makes Ed happy?”
“These past few months have been the most fun I’ve had in ages. Years. Maybe ever. So… So, I reckon what makes Ed happy is… you.”
“Well, that’s, uh, that’s…”
Before Stede has time to react, Ed’s lips are on his. It’s everything and nothing like he imagined. He melts into Ed’s touch as he brings his hand to embrace him, holding him gently. It’s nothing like the passionate kisses he dreams about where they are both panting in a dark alley. It’s nothing like quick friendly peeks he sees his friends so casually do. It’s nothing like he’s ever experienced in his life. It’s everything he’s ever wished for but never thought he would have. It’s not even that, it’s so much better.
A small noise escaped Stede as Ed cups his face with his hands. He’s… he’s… fucking speechless and not just because he has Ed on his lips blocking his mouth. He doesn’t want this moment to end. But all good things must come to an end at some point and Ed pulls off him, only slightly, giving him room to breathe again. He’s smiling at him, like this wasn’t an accident, he wants this too. With that look on his face. No regrets. Just hope.
“You make Stede happy.”
That smile. Fuck. He’s going to die. Never thought someone would look at him like that like he was in some sort of fairy tale.
There are fireworks around them. In their own little world, out there sitting on the stairs, gazing into each other's eyes, fireworks. A celebration. Like the whole world was waiting for this moment.
Wait, there are literal fireworks around them. Midnight. They missed the countdown. Stede is being brave now and kisses his man. First kiss of the new year seals your fate.
“Happy New Year, Ed.”
“Happy New Year. I have a good feeling about this one.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I plan to kiss you again and again and again and for as long as you wish. Forever, if you would have me.”
“I like the sound of that.”
“And maybe not just the kissing? Maybe I want to romance you.”
“As long as I get to romance you too.”
“Fuck yeah, you can.”
They kiss again because they can and will continue doing so long after the fireworks have stopped.