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Buck drove home on autopilot after he left the hospital. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Connor again, limp on the sun-warmed pavement, blood staining his clothes. He saw Kameron, her face already too pale, her ribs cracking under Hen’s hands. He saw Theo, not comprehending it yet, just clinging to Buck. A red hoodie under Buck’s arms and soft curls under his chin, pulling him back even further to the sting of saltwater in his lungs and the screaming pain in his leg as he just keep walking, desperate to find his- Christopher. His Christopher.
A knock at his door pulled Buck out of his thoughts, and he opened it to find Eddie and Christopher standing on his porch. Buck stared at them blankly, one hand holding the pizza Eddie had thrust at him, until Chris spoke. “You shouldn’t be alone tonight,” he said simply, with all the wisdom he’d gained in his hard-earned fifteen years. “We’re going to keep you company.”
And they had. Christopher had cajoled Buck into more games of Mario Kart than any reasonable person would accept, especially when they got beaten as often and as soundly as Buck did. Eddie, for his part, was content to sit in the armchair and mock Buck relentlessly. After Buck finally pled his way to freedom, they microwaved some cheap popcorn and curled up under the throw blankets to watch The Princess Bride. It was one of Buck’s favorites, in part because it had been one of the few movies he could actually watch as a kid. They had it on VHS, and he would beg Maddie to put it on every time they were home alone. Later, after she left, he’d put it on when he missed her. He could quote almost every line word for word, which Chris (and Eddie) teased him endlessly for.
Christopher, for all his teenaged stubbornness, fell asleep before they even reached the Rodents of Unusual Size. Eddie bundled him in the soft blanket and carried him down the hall, turning sideways to avoid smacking his long, gangly legs on the walls. Buck stood rooted to the floor, watching them, feeling the phantom weight of a child in his arms, clinging on for dear life. The smell of the ocean mixed with burning gasoline hit him like a brick wall, forcing the breath from his lungs. He stumbled backward, grabbing the back of the couch to keep from falling.
The room blurred and tilted, the sound of Eddie’s footsteps fading into the roar of the waves. Buck scrabbled at his chest, feeling the muscles spasm under his fingers as he gasped for air. It was too thick, choked with smoke and water as it smothered his lungs.
“-uck. Buck!” Eddie’s face swam in Buck’s vision, his forehead furrowed with worry. If Buck wasn’t actively dying, he’d probably reach out and try to smooth it away. “Buck, hey, you need to breathe for me. Can you breathe?”
“C-can’t,” Buck wheezed, one hand flying out to grip Eddie’s wrist. Below the warm skin, his heartbeat was strong and steady, just like everything else about him.
“You can, Buck. It’s okay,” Eddie promised, grabbing Buck’s other hand and pressing it to his own chest. “Follow me, okay? In… and out.”
Buck choked on the first breath, coughing so hard he could feel the sting of bile touch his tongue. Eddie didn’t falter, though, continuing to take slow, deep breaths. “You’re okay, Buck. You’re safe. Can you copy me? Keep breathing.”
The second and third tries were weak and stuttered, but on the fourth, Buck pulled in a lungful of real air, air that didn’t taste like ocean water or gas. Air that smelled like the subtle cedar soap Eddie always used and Buck always borrowed when he slept over.
“Good job, Buck. Just like that,” Eddie murmured. “Come here. You’re okay. I’ve got you, bud.”
He opened his arms, and Buck fell forward, melting into the embrace. His head was tucked awkwardly against Eddie’s shoulder, and his knees were screaming from the hardwood floors, but he didn’t care. It was hard to care about anything when Eddie was holding him.
Eddie was silent for a long moment, letting Buck’s breathing even out and his body fully relax before he spoke. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly, running a hand down Buck’s back.
“I…” Buck swallowed hard. “It made me think of the tsunami. Holding him, trying to make sure he didn’t see anything, trying to limit the trauma as much as I could. And then, seeing Chris, I-” His voice broke and he shook his head. “I couldn’t fix it.”
“Fix what?” Eddie’s hand moved up to cup Buck’s jaw, the touch burning into his skin.
“Everything.” Buck blinked away tears. “I couldn’t save Connor and Kameron. I couldn’t protect Chris from the trauma. I couldn’t save Bobby-” A sob burst out unbidden, shaking his body.
“Buck…” Eddie changed their position, sitting with his back against the couch and his legs out straight. Buck was half in his lap, curling into his chest. “Buck, listen to me. None of those things are your fault. You did not kill Connor and Kameron; a car did. You did not cause a natural disaster. You did not create the virus that killed Bobby. All you did was the best you could against impossible odds. Everyone involved is better off for having you there. Chris lived because of you. So many people survived that tsunami because of you. Theo was safe on the worst day of his life because he was with you. Bobby…” Eddie’s voice broke. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Bobby knew he could leave because we would all have each other. Because we would have you. You are important, Evan. Don’t you ever forget that.”
Buck shifted in Eddie’s arms, wiping roughly at his eyes. “You’ve told me that before.”
“And I’ll tell you it again, a thousand times if I need to. Until you start believing it.” Eddie tilted Buck’s chin up until their eyes met, watery blue to warm brown. “Okay?”
Buck nodded, swallowing hard. “Okay.”
“Good.” Eddie eased Buck off his lap and stood up, offering a hand. “C’mon. You’re going to drink some water, and then it’s bedtime.”
Buck took his hand and stood, his bad leg aching with every step toward the kitchen. “Yeah, yeah.”
“Buck.” Eddie’s voice was tinged with warning. “Drink the water.”
Buck drank the water.
Eddie stayed the night, which wasn’t unusual in itself. What was unusual, however, was that the couch went untouched. Instead, Eddie tugged off his shirt and jeans - Buck looked very pointedly at the floor during that - and climbed into the unused side of Buck’s bed like he owned the place. Buck stared at him, settled firmly on his own half of the bed, not an inch of his body crossing the invisible middle line. “What are you doing?”
“What do you think I’m doing? I’m sleeping.” Eddie rolled his eyes, snuggling deeper under the covers.
Buck blinked. “You’re in my bed.”
“Yes. Is that a problem, or are you going to lay down and sleep? It’s late, and I’m tired.”
“Eddie.”
“Buck.”
Buck bit his lip for a long moment before relenting and turning off the lamp on his nightstand. “Okay.”
He curled up under the covers, hyperaware of just how close they were. He could feel the heat radiating off of Eddie’s body, could hear his soft breathing filling the dark room. And he could feel as Eddie’s hand slowly crept over the unclaimed middle of the mattress until it reached Buck’s waist. “Come here.”
“Eddie.” Buck was pleading now. There was a line down the middle of the bed, and he was being so good about not crossing it, and the thousands of little lines he was walking every single day because of course Maddie was right, and of course it wouldn’t be so crazy, but if he crossed that line, there was no going back, and he’d be throwing himself off a cliff with no promise of a soft place to land.
“Buck.” Eddie seemed to hold none of those reservations. Instead, he was reaching right over the line and wrapping his arm around Buck’s waist, physically pulling him into the middle of the bed. “Stop thinking so much, okay? I know, I’m hypocritical for saying it, but just trust me. Follow my lead. Can you do that?”
Buck swallowed around the lump that seemed to have taken up a permanent residence in his throat. “I think I’d follow your lead just about anywhere,” he croaked.
“Good. Follow it to sleep.” Eddie curled around Buck, pressed right up against his back with one arm draped over Buck’s middle. “I’ll be right here.”
They didn’t talk about it afterwards. About the way Buck woke up crying at 3:17am and Eddie hugged him and stroked his hair until he fell back to sleep. About they way the sunlight found them with their legs tangled together and Eddie’s hand gripped tightly in Buck’s. About the way Eddie got up and made them both coffee and looked at Buck like he was something worth keeping.
Not that they had time to, seeing as Buck’s doorbell rang at 9:15am and he opened the door to see a lawyer standing on his doorstep with a manila envelope that said Buck, of all people, was Theo’s official next of kin, and that Theodore Lincoln Riley was now in his custody.
Buck stood in the doorway, the envelope hanging limply from his hand as Eddie spoke with the lawyer, asking all the questions Buck should have been asking - when and where and how and who. The paperwork Buck needed to fill out, the meetings, the home visits, the confirmation that Theo was actually going to come home.
Buck zoned back in when Eddie’s hand landed on his shoulder, a warm, grounding weight. “Buck and I will take good care of him. Don’t worry. We’ll call Deidra right away and get the ball rolling.”
“Good. I’m glad Theo is going to such a loving home.” The lawyer smiled at them both and shook Eddie’s hand before leaving.
“What… what just happened?” Buck whispered.
“You have another son,” Eddie said simply. Buck tried to wrap his brain around ‘another’, but it kept slipping free. “Now we need to make some calls. Can you come inside?”
Buck followed him in, sitting on the couch while Eddie made calls to Deidra, to Hen and Karen, to Maddie and Chim. He organized several days off for both him and Buck, got a list of things they needed for the house, and set up a meeting for that afternoon. Buck didn’t say a word, just stared at the envelope in his hands. It was still shaking by the time Eddie finished talking to Chim. His hand covered one of Buck’s, steadying it. “Hey. Take a breath.”
Buck did as he was told, only choking on it a little bit. “I- I don’t know how to raise a kid, Eddie. What am I supposed to do?”
“That’s a lie.”
Buck whipped around to see Chris, his hair still a rat’s nest and his eyes bleary with sleep. He shuffled closer, using the back of the couch for balance.
“That’s a lie,” he repeated. “You’ve been raising me with Dad for eight years now. You’ve been in my life longer than my mom ever was. Don’t act like that doesn’t mean anything.”
Buck was up and around the couch in a flash, pulling Chris into his arms. “Oh, buddy, no,” he whispered, burying his face into Christopher’s soft curls. “No, I didn’t mean that. Of course you mean the world to me, okay? Don’t you ever think otherwise. But I can’t take credit for you, okay? That’s all your dad. I’m just… Buck.”
“You’re his Buck,” Eddie corrected gently. “You’re just as much his parent as I am, Buck. You’re the person he feels safe with on his worst day. You’re the one he goes to when he’s mad at me. You’re his Buck, and that is just as important as being his mom or his dad.”
Christopher pulled back, one hand on his hip and one holding the couch. “You’re going to be a good dad,” he said firmly. “Because you already have been.”
The next few weeks passed by in a blur of paperwork, home visits, mental health evaluations, and noise. Buck was barely aware of any of it, just nodding and smiling and giving his scripted answers. Eddie took the lead for most of it, including an IKEA trip that ended with both men spending way more than they had budgeted for. But it was worth it. Theo deserved to have the best room ever. He deserved to feel loved and cherished and wanted.
The first few days were rough. Theo had nightmares and outbursts, but the child psychologist assured Buck it was normal, and that they’d grow fewer and further between as Theo started to process the trauma. Buck sat on the too-soft grey couch and thought about Christopher, about Eddie calling in the middle of the night and begging, ‘please talk to him, just tell him you’re still alive’. He thought about the now-faded Lichtenburg figures on his chest, about checking his watch every few seconds, texting Bobby when he woke up. He thought about Eddie, curled up against the foot of his bed, clutching a baseball bat. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “I know a thing or two about trauma.”
Deidra brought pictures from Connor and Kameron’s house, and Buck put them up anywhere he could. Family pictures, snapshots from their wedding, a faded polaroid of Buck and Connor in Peru. Theo wandered out from his room after Buck had finished, wearing his racecar pajamas and clutching a soft red blanket from his bed at the old house.
“Is that my mom?” he asked softly, pointing to one of the framed photos. It was Kameron at her graduation, arms flung around Connor’s neck and flowers clutched in one hand.
“Yeah. You want a closer look?” Theo nodded, and Buck scooped him up. “This is when your mom graduated college.”
“What’s that one?”
“That’s me and your dad. We met in Peru, which was a really cool place, and we had a lot of fun. You know, your dad was the reason I moved to Los Angeles?” Buck’s finger hovered over the glass.
“He was?” Theo tilted his head, hair tickling Buck’s cheek.
“Yeah. We became friends, and he said he and a bunch of his buddies were going to come up here, and I should come with them. I don’t think I’d be where I am today if I hadn’t agreed.”
“Wow.” Theo picked up the frame and studied it for a moment before putting it back and looking at the next photo on Buck’s mantle. “Who are those people?”
“That’s my sister, Maddie, and her husband, Chimney. You met Chimney, remember?”
“Chimney’s a silly name,” Theo informed him.
“I know. It’s just a nickname. Like how your full name is Theodore, but we call you Theo. Or how my name is Evan, but everyone calls me Buck.” Buck put the photo back down. “I used to call him Rebar. He didn’t like that one.”
Theo giggled and snorted, the first time Buck had heard him properly giggle since the accident. He forced his face to stay neutral. “You’re silly, Buck.”
“Yeah, bud, I’ve been told that before.”
Three weeks after Theo came home, Buck finally gave in to Maddie’s request for a family dinner. Eddie and Chris would be there, of course, as well as Maddie, Chim, Jee, and Nash. Theo had been shy with Eddie and Chris at first, even though he remembered Eddie from before, but he warmed up to them quickly. Buck hoped it would be the same for the others.
Eddie and Chris arrived early; Eddie to ‘help’ with cooking, and Chris to distract Theo. Theo was of the (correct) opinion that Christopher was the coolest person in the entire world. His favorite thing was watching Chris make impeccably detailed builds in Minecraft, so Buck set them up on the couch and followed Eddie into the kitchen.
Although he’d made quite a bit of progress in his cooking abilities thanks to Linda’s tutelage, Eddie wasn’t much of a help when it came to Buck’s cooking. His main role was to sit at the island and keep Buck company; a role he cherished and excelled in.
“So,” he started, watching Buck set out his favorite wooden cutting board and a colander full of rinsed veggies. “How are things going with Theo?”
Buck set a damp bell pepper on the board, chopping off the bottom. “You mean, what’s changed in the two days since you last came over?”
Eddie and Chris had been over at least twice a week since Theo came home, something Buck had been hesitant about when Theo first arrived, but quickly became the highlight of their week. Once he got used to them, Theo had taken to Christopher like flame to paper, and looked at Eddie like he hung the stars. Buck couldn’t blame him - he’d felt the same way when he first met the Diaz boys.
Eddie rolled his eyes, plucking a stray seed from the counter and returning it to the food scrap plate. “Sorry for having an interest in your life.”
“Oh, don’t do that.” Buck flicked a seed at him with shocking precision, smacking him right in between his eyes. He paused for a moment, cutting the walls of the pepper with a little more focus than was strictly necessary. “You know, we never talked about it.”
“About what?”
“That night we-” Buck’s mouth snapped shut as the doorbell rang. “Nevermind. Can you get that, please?”
“Eddie!” Theo yelled, scampering into the kitchen. “Eddie, Eddie, Eddie!”
Buck had never understood why people (Ravi) got so upset at him for how much he talked about Eddie. Now, with Theo, he was starting to get it.
“Theo!” Eddie scooped him up, spinning around. “What’s going on, bud?”
A glimmer of setting sunlight caught Theo’s curls, making a shining halo as he grinned up at Eddie, and Buck’s chest constricted with a feeling that he couldn’t quite name. Wanting, maybe. Wishing. Noticing how easily Theo fit into Eddie’s arms, how natural it looked when Eddie shifted him onto his hip. How their dimples seemed to match. Almost like Theo was a perfect mix of Buck and-
That was a dangerous line of thought. Buck shut it down with a shake of his head.
“There’s someone at the door,” Theo said seriously, pointing to the living room.
“Oh yeah?” Eddie tilted his head, making that one little curl that always came loose flop over his eyebrow. Buck gripped the countertop to keep from crumpling. “Should we go answer it?”
“Yeah! Let’s go answer it!” Theo flung his arms around Eddie’s neck as they walked away. Buck’s knuckles were white and his fingers were aching, but he couldn’t move a muscle.
“Hi, Theo!” Maddie cooed, pushing her way inside. Her hands were full of gift bags that Buck had explicitly told her not to bring, and she had Nash strapped to her chest. “How are you, sweetheart?”
“Hiii!” Theo cheered, leaning dangerously from Eddie’s arms. “I remember you. You’re Maddie!”
“That’s right! It’s good to see you again.” Maddie set the gifts down and ruffled his hair. “Are you having fun with Eddie?”
“Yeah! I was playing with Chris!” Theo squirmed until Eddie put him down, then ran over to the couch. “Come look!”
Maddie leaned over the back of the couch, pressing an exaggerated kiss to Chris’s forehead. He scrunched his nose, but smiled up at her all the same. “Hi, Aunt Maddie.”
Buck felt a little shock of warmth in his chest. He knew he considered Chris his son, and that Chris thought of him as a father figure, but to extend that to Maddie was something else entirely.
Maddie, for her part, didn’t react in the slightest. The same could not be said for Theo. He crossed his arms and made a pout that would put Eddie to shame. “Why does he call you Aunt Maddie?”
Chris paused, glancing over at Buck. “Well,” he said slowly. “You know how Buck takes care of you?”
Theo nodded.
“Well, when I was little, just a bit older than you, Buck started taking care of me. I still lived with my dad, but Buck was there all the time. He helps me with school, and friends, and all the things a parent does. He’s basically my other dad. So because Buck is like my dad, and Aunt Maddie is Buck’s sister, that makes her like my aunt.”
“Oh.” Theo considered it for a moment. “So, does that mean you’re my aunt too?”
“Only if you want me to be.” Maddie smiled warmly at Theo.
“I want.” Theo hugged her leg tightly. “Aunt Maddie.”
Maddie turned to Buck, tears sparkling in her eyes. Buck blinked away his own tears, swallowing around the lump in his throat. He’d been dreaming of this moment for as long as he could remember. A home, a family. A little kid he loved, even if the circumstances were awful. He could give Theo a safe home. Somewhere he’d never, ever feel bad about being himself.
“You know,” Maddie said, a sly smile on her face that made Buck nervous. “If I’m your aunt, then Jee-Yun here is your cousin. Do you want to meet Cousin Jee?”
“Cousin!” Theo started bouncing around. Jee didn’t hesitate, immediately running over to bounce with him. “Cousins! Cousins!”
“And no love for the uncle,” Chimney quipped dryly, nudging Eddie aside as he made his way to the kitchen. “Who brought you wine and cider, by the way, so he should be appreciated.”
“I appreciate you, Chim,” Eddie cooed, his voice dripping with honey.
“Shut up, Diaz, and help me find some wine glasses.”
“Upper cabinet beside the fridge,” Eddie said immediately, already opening it up.
“Do you seriously know where everything is in this house? What, do you live here? Do I need to fill out some paperwork?” Chimney raised his eyebrows.
“What paperwork?" Buck asked, his voice just slightly higher than it should have been. Eddie narrowed his eyes, but didn’t comment on it.
Chimney’s eyes flicked between the two of them for a moment before he sighed and rubbed his temples. “You two are going to turn my hair grey.”
“You’ll survive,” Eddie shrugged, walking behind Buck. His hand grazed Buck’s waist as he passed, making Buck shiver. Was it normal for a best friend’s touch to feel like electricity creeping up his spine?
Chimney left the kitchen, shaking his head and muttering something about idiots and being oblivious. Buck decided not to pay attention to him.
They sat down to dinner twenty minutes later. Buck had made Theo’s favorite pasta; the same kind he’d made Chris when he was little. Neither of them knew just how many vegetables were blended into the sauce. They chatted about little things - how big baby Nash was getting, how Maddie was handling her promotion, how Chris was acing every class and already getting letters from colleges.
Then, Theo piped up, addressing Chimney. “Are you married to Aunt Maddie?”
Chimney, who had been lamenting how his favorite coffee shop had lost its best barista, blinked slowly. “Um… yes?”
“Does that make you my uncle?”
“Yeah, I guess it would. So you can call me Uncle Ch-”
“Rebar!”
Everyone froze. Chimney blinked. Maddie pressed her lips together to hide a giggle. Eddie made no attempt to hide a snort. Buck’s jaw dropped.
“Uncle Rebar!” Theo said brightly. “Aunt Maddie and Uncle Rebar!”
Chris doubled over, shaking with laughter. “Uncle Rebar!”
Chimney turned to Buck with the slow, deadly precision of a panther deciding its next meal. “You,” he hissed. “You told him my name was Rebar?!”
“No!” Buck groaned, burying his face in his hands. “We were talking about nicknames, and I mentioned that I used to call you Rebar.”
“Uncle Rebar! Uncle Rebar!” Theo shouted gleefully.
“No, his name is Papa!” Jee-Yun argued, crossing her arms with her mother’s stubborn expression on her face. She really did look like Maddie sometimes.
“His name is Chimney,” Chris corrected, now recovered from his laughter and back to being a surly teen. Eddie had fully dissolved into a pile of giggles and Buck-
Buck couldn't think of a time he’d ever seen Eddie giggle like that. Sure, Eddie would give a low chuckle if he found something amusing, sometimes a surprised guffaw if Buck caught him off guard, but this? Bent over giggling, his cheeks bright pink, his hair gel-free and messy? This was an Eddie Buck had never seen before. He was beautiful.
Buck was, regrettably, pulled from his thoughts by Chimney smacking his arm. “I won’t forget this, Buckley,” he hissed. “I’m going to tell him all the nicknames I have for you.”
“What, like Blood Thinner Boy?” Eddie snorted, his cheeks still flushed. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. What if he starts calling you Mr. April again?”
“Hey, I’m proud of being Mr. April!”
“Who’s Mr. April?” Theo tilted his head.
“I am.” Chim crossed his arms.
“No, you’re Uncle Rebar!”
“I’m not!”
”You are!”
”I’m not!”
Buck raised his eyebrows. “Weren’t you the one who said it’s a bad idea to argue with toddlers?”
“That was before you taught your- your Buckling to call me Rebar!” Chimney flung his arms wide, sending Maddie’s wine glass to the floor. It shattered immediately, shards of glass skittering under the table and across the hardwood.
Everyone froze, all eyes going to Chimney, who at least had the decency to look embarrassed.
Jee-Yun was the first to break the silence. “Uh-oh… Papa jail!”
“No! No jail!” Chimney insisted. “It was an accident, right Mads?”
Maddie held up her hands. “You’re on your own here, Howie.”
Jee-Yun was giggling uncontrollably between shouts. “Papa jail! Papa jail!”
“Uncle jail!” Theo added, standing on his chair. “Uncle jail! Uncle jail!”
Eddie was doubled over, wheezing with laughter, and Chris looked like he was one mild inconvenience away from disowning all of them. Buck decided he needed to be the adult (for once).
“Alright, alright,” he sighed, standing up. “Nobody is going to jail. Theo and Jee, can you guys sit still for me while I sweep up the glass? I don’t want your feet getting poked.”
The kids reluctantly agreed, although Jee got off one more ‘Papa jail!’ before settling down. Buck swept all the glass into a pile, then got it in the dustpan and tossed in in the garbage. “Alright, the floor should be safe now, but be careful!”
Theo and Jee hopped down, running off to Theo’s room to continue their chaos. Chris shot Buck and Eddie a pleading look. “Can I please go hide in Buck’s room for like fifteen minutes? This is too much.”
Eddie glanced at Buck for approval, and Buck nodded. “Of course, Chris. Any time. Go get some quiet, and come out when you’re ready.”
Chris raised his eyebrows at his father, and Eddie immediately broke eye contact. As the teenager ambled by, Buck wondered what exactly that had all been about, but he didn’t have time to wonder. He was still a host, after all. “So… besides Chim destroying my glassware, I think that went alright.”
“Theo is precious,” Maddie agreed, cupping Nash’s head. That kid really could sleep through a hurricane. He must have gotten it from Chimney. “He really is just like you when you were little. Before-” Her mouth snapped shut, but Buck didn’t need to wonder about what she meant.
Before Buck was old enough to understand his parents didn’t want him. Before Buck learned that hurting himself meant attention, for better or for worse. Before he learned how to use his body to feel wanted for a night, maybe more. Before he ran all over the country and beyond searching for anywhere he might be wanted.
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I want to keep it that way.”
“You will.” Maddie sounded so certain. “You are already giving him the things you didn’t get as a kid, Evan. And he’s going to be a lot like you, but in the best way. He’s going to be funny, and energetic, and have a heart so big you’ll wonder how it even fits in his chest. He’s going to love his friends and family deeply, and he’s going to learn what having a good family feels like. He’s getting the life you deserved to have.”
Buck sat down with a dull thud, his tailbone aching from the wooden chair. “What if he gets the bad parts too?” he whispered. What if Theo got the recklessness, the lack of self preservation? The hole deep in his chest that never really filled up, just pouring more and more love into it, hoping someday it would be enough?
“Buck.” Eddie’s hand landed on Buck’s knee, stilling it. When had his knee started bouncing? “Buck, hey. Can you look at me?”
Buck forced his head up, swallowing down his embarrassment. “Yeah.”
“Theo is wonderful. And so are you. Everyone has some flaws, right? That’s part of being human. Theo isn’t going to be perfect because nobody is.” That was a lie. Eddie was perfect. “But what he isn’t going to get is the lack of support that made things a lot harder for you. You are giving him a framework, and he will thrive with that.”
“Okay,” Buck whispered. “Okay.”
“Why don’t you go check on the kids, and we’ll clean up?” Maddie offered, squeezing Buck’s shoulder as she stood. “I think it’s about time for us to head out, anyway.”
Buck nodded, letting Eddie squeeze his knee one more time before making his way down the hall. He found Jee and Theo building a pyramid from stuffed animals and pillows. “Hey kiddos. What are you up to?”
“We’re gonna jump in the pile,” Jee informed him. “And it’s gonna make a big mess!”
“Ooh, well that sounds like fun, but you’re going to have to be quick. It’s almost time to go home. Do you want some help finishing the pile?”
Jee and Theo looked at each other, considering it, then nodded in tandem. Buck helped pile on the last few stuffed animals, then scooped up the kids, one in each arm. “Ready? One… two… three!” The kids squealed as they hit the pillows, stuffed animals flying everywhere. One smacked into the bookshelf, another hit the window with a thunk.
The two of them were left giggling, curled up on the pillow base. “Again! Again!” Theo cheered, but Buck shook his head. “Nope, it’s time for Cousin Jee to go. Let’s walk her to the door, okay, bud?”
Theo huffed a world-weary sigh, but nodded. He followed Jee back down the hall to where Maddie and Chimney were waiting by the door.
Buck hugged Maddie, sneaking a kiss onto Nash’s forehead before pulling away. “Thank you for coming. It was… it was really good to have you over.”
“We’re glad to be here.” Maddie squeezed his arm, then turned to Theo. “You be good for Buck, okay?”
“No promises.” Theo grinned up at her, unrepentant
She snorted, reaching down to ruffle his hair. “Sounds about right.”
“Can you say goodnight to Jee and Uncle Chim, too?” Buck prodded.
“Goodnight Cousin Jee, goodnight Uncle Rebar!” Theo hugged Chimney’s leg, giggling when he tried to shake him off.
“Help! I’m being attacked!” Chim yelped, hobbling backwards until his back hit the door. “Eddie, save me!”
“Nice try.” Eddie appeared behind Buck, knocking their shoulders together. “I’m gonna take Theo’s side on this one.”
“Latrine duty for a week, Diaz! This betrayal will not be without consequences!”
“Ohhh-kay.” Maddie shook her head, plucking Theo off Chimney’s leg and passing him over to Eddie. “It is time for us to go. Come on, Jee-Jee.”
Buck watched them through the window, forehead resting on the cool glass. Sometimes it still didn’t feel real to see Maddie with her family. A husband, two kids, a job she loved and thrived in. It was everything she’d ever wanted, but he knew she’d believed it was never going to happen. She deserved it, though. Especially after everything she’d been through. She deserved a happy ending.
“Hey.” Eddie’s voice startled Buck out of his thoughts. “Theo’s getting his pajamas on. Are you up for a couple bedtime stories?”
“Yeah. Sorry.” Buck shook away the thoughts clouding his mind. “Thank you for getting him started.”
“Anytime.”
After six and a quarter stories, three stuffed animal casting changes, and one lullaby from Eddie (Buck hadn’t known how good his voice was, but it was embedded in his mind now), Theo finally drifted off. Chris had wandered out into the living room in the meantime, draping himself over the couch and scrolling on his phone. “Can we watch a movie?” he asked as the pair walked in.
“Yeah, you want to pick?” Buck handed him the remote and settled in on the other side of the couch. Eddie sat in the middle, although Chris’ sprawl meant he was much closer to Buck than usual. Their thighs were only inches apart, and Buck’s skin burned with the knowledge.
He wondered if Eddie thought about it at all. About them laying in bed together, pressed so close he’d lost track of where he ended and Eddie began. About the way they orbited around each other, drawn in by inescapable gravity. The way they always knew where the other one was. This is a set; do not separate.
As if Eddie could hear Buck’s thoughts, his leg shifted over just slightly, bumping their knees together. Buck startled, looking up to find Eddie smiling at him with a warmth that rivalled any fire he’d ever walked into. “What?” he asked, trying not to stare down at where their knees were still pressed together.
“I can hear you overthinking from here,” Eddie replied, lifting his arm to drape over the back of the couch. His fingers brushed Buck’s shoulder, sending little flickers of electricity wherever they touched.
Buck considered lying, but one look at Eddie told him it would be a lost cause. Instead, he let out a long breath and let himself relax back into the couch. In return, he got Eddie’s arm tightening around his shoulders, turning his muscles to jelly.
They stayed like that until the credits rolled and Chris abandoned them to pretend to go to sleep while actually playing games in his room. Buck waited until the door clicked shut before slowly, hesitantly letting his head fall onto Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie didn’t flinch, just leaned his head on Buck’s.
“Are we ever going to talk about it?” Buck whispered, letting the words hang heavy in the still air of the living room.
Eddie shifted slightly, letting Buck melt further into his side. “What is there to talk about?”
Buck scoffed. “You slept in my bed.”
“It’s not the first time.”
“You cuddled me.”
“You get cold. I’m always warm. Thermodynamic equilibrium.”
“You made me coffee.”
“How many times have you made me coffee?”
“You look at me like-” Buck pressed his lips together tightly, as if that was enough to stop the runaway train he’d set into motion.
“Like what, Buck?” Eddie pulled away so they would be face to face, and Buck immediately mourned the loss of his warmth.
“Like you love me!”
Eddie stared at him, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Buck pushed himself off the couch, running a hand through his hair. He’d put product in earlier and it made his hand sticky and the sound of the air conditioner had gone from a soft buzz to a roar and Eddie was sitting on the couch staring at his empty seat and- and- and-
“I do love you.”
Buck turned mid-step, his shin banging into the coffee table. He didn’t even feel it. “What did you say?”
Eddie laughed, barely a little huff of air. “I do love you. I didn’t- I didn’t understand it. The way I feel about you. How you’ve rooted yourself so perfectly into my life that it would kill me if even a part of you was gone. How- how irrationally angry I get when someone looks at you like you’re just some- some hunk of meat. How much I hated all your exes because they never, never treated you like you deserved. Like I would treat you. How you’re Chris’ other dad and I kept trying to give him a mom when he had everything he needed to begin with. I had everything I needed to begin with. I’ve been trying and trying to fit myself into this box of who I’m supposed to be, and every time it fails, and I thought it was just because I messed up, but it’s because it’s the wrong box. It’s not the box I’m supposed to fit.”
Buck blinked. He probably should have been blinking before that, but his body had given up on automatic function and he had no brain power to run it manually. “What- what box?” he asked, his voice hoarse. “What box are you supposed to be in?”
“This box.” Eddie spread his arms, gesturing to the house. “Here, with you. Reading Theo to sleep and watching movies with Chris and hosting family dinner nights and being with you because that is where I’m supposed to be. That is where I was always supposed to be. You’re it for me, Buck. You’re the end of the line, the grand finale. You’re the rest of my life.”
Buck shook his head, trying to wrap his mind around everything Eddie was saying. “What are you saying, Eddie?”
“I’m saying…” Eddie glanced at the hallway, then took a deep breath. “I’m saying marry me.”
Buck’s neck cracked with how fast his head snapped up. “Marry you?”
“Marry me. I don’t have a ring, I was kind of planning this differently, but… you and I never really do things to plan, do we?”
“Eddie, we aren’t even dating. You’re- you’re straight!” Buck was pleading now. He’d gotten over it, he’d accepted his fate, that he would just have to love Eddie in secret for the rest of his life, and here Eddie was, blowing up everything Buck had resigned himself to.
“Yeah, turns out I might not be.” Eddie’s smile dropped suddenly. “Do you… do you not feel the same way? Because that’s okay, I just- Maddie said-”
“Maddie?” The betrayal. Maddie was supposed to be on Buck’s side, not colluding and meddling with Eddie of all people.
“Look, Buck, if you don’t feel the same way, it’s fine. We can just forget I said anything, and I’ll go home, and-” Eddie moved to get up.
“No!” Buck groaned, shaking his hands out. “No, please don’t go. I don’t- I feel the same way. I do. I just don’t understand what’s happening right now.”
“I talked to Maddie earlier. In the kitchen, when you went to play with the kids. She was talking about how I got your attention when you started spiraling and she said I was your person. And I told her that you’re my person, and she just gave me this look and it all hit me. I’d been trying to understand how I felt about you, talking things through with Frank and Father Brian about why the whole thing with… with her happened, and understanding the guilt that I felt and the punishments I gave to myself. And both of them, in their own ways, told me that I should seek joy and follow it, so I tried to figure out what brought me joy and all I could think of was being with you. You and Chris are the joy. You’re the juice, the sunlight, the whole damn reason I have for living. So I asked Maddie for her permission, and she said it was about damn time. I took that as a yes. I was working on this whole plan, with flowers and a sunset and stuff, but…” He shrugged. “This is it.”
Buck slowly lowered himself to sit on the table. He was pretty sure that he’d collapse if he kept standing. “So you’re…”
“Gay. Very gay. Kind of explains a few things, doesn’t it?” Eddie was laughing again, his eyes bright and sparkling and Buck knew he’d never be able to hold out against those eyes. He’d been a goner the moment Eddie walked in the station eight years ago, all muscle and calm confidence.
“Ask me again,” he said suddenly, the words falling out before his brain caught up enough to stop them.
Eddie hesitated for a moment, searching Buck’s face for… something. He must have found it, because he moved to kneel on the floor in front of him. “Marry me.”
“Isn’t it supposed to be a question?”
“Not a question,” Eddie said simply. “This isn’t a maybe. This is a logical conclusion.”
Buck laughed, although it might have been more of a sob. Was he crying? He genuinely couldn’t tell anymore. “Then I guess I only have one answer to give.” He reached out, grasping Eddie’s hands. “Yes. Of course.”
Eddie unclasped one hand, using it to cup Buck’s cheek instead and-
Eddie was kissing Buck.
Eddie was kissing Buck
Buck had kissed quite a few people in his lifetime, from awkward smooches under the bleachers to couchsurfing across the states to sunset walks on Peruvian beaches to his Buck 1.0 phase when he first got to LA, but he’d never had a kiss like this. It felt like a piece he’d been missing had slid into place with a satisfying click. This is it, he realized, as Eddie’s grip tightened on his waist. This is my last first kiss.