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Bruce eyed his children suspiciously. It was Duke and Tim’s turn to take the gala shift and they were acting… gleeful.
None of his kids liked the gala shift. It meant older people who pinched and poked and expected children to be “seen and not heard,” it meant uncomfortable suits and fancy hair you couldn’t touch, it meant probably watching Bruce doing something embarrassing and probably a little sexual.
The gala was being hosted by Lex Luther, to make things worse. It wasn't that Bruce disliked Lex as a business man. For the most part he was decently ethical and a good boss. It was just that he then used his resources to go after Bruce's best friend.
Needless to say, Bruce was suspicious when he saw his children, heads bent together, and giggling.
He coughed lightly and they both straighten immediately and Tim slipped his phone into his suit pocket, sneakily enough that Bruce might have missed if he hadn't taught Tim that trick. Duke began tugging on his tie and Tim sighed, long suffering, and turned the younger boy to face him so he could fix it with sharp tugging motions. For the third time that evening. They hadn't even made it to the gala.
Bruce elected to ignore their behavior. If something happened, something happened and he'd be mildly entertained. Maybe he could even use it as a way to one-up Oliver, who's kids and assorted younger family members never bothered showing up to galas to reck chaos.
He lead the way downstairs, Tim and Duke trailing behind him and whispering excitedly. Bruce… was not going to worry about it. He was not.
Stephanie was waiting in the entry, dressed in a hoodie, shorts, and fuzzy socks, her hair up in a messy bun. Bruce was somewhat jealous. She only ever went to galas when Cass, Tim, or Steph invited her. And Tim had decided to spare her for the evening, so she was hanging out with Cass and Damian. They were going to eat popcorn and boo bad movies.
And Bruce was going to a gala.
She mean-mugged at them and Tim flipped her off, barely even glancing at her. Which was really not good. Tim usually took the time to at least banter with her, usually until she shut him up.
To make things worse, Steph winked at him. Duke winked back. She stifled a giggle.
"Tell Dames thank you, by the way," Tim added as they made their way out the front door. It slammed shut behind them before she could respond. Bruce did not want to know.
He sighed, getting into the "suitable for dick measuring contests with other rich people" car and starting the engine.
Duke and Tim took the back seat without an argument over shotgun, immediately going back to snickering over Tim's phone.
Bruce cleared his throat. "So. What did Damian help you with?"
Tim's head popped up and he exchanged a look with Duke. Then he shrugged, waving Bruce off. "I just commissioned him for a few art paces to supplement a project I was working on."
"And that project would be?" Bruce prompted. Because unfortunately, it was his circus and they were his monkeys.
Duke smirked. It was probably meant to look like an innocent smile. Bruce knew better. "Oh, just an art project of his. More like a… a…"
"A collection. Meant to highlight other people's work. I'm not really meant to be the point of focus. And I just asked Damian to add a few pieces to it and he readily agreed."
Bruce grimaced. They were being vague. And Damian 'readily agreeing' to help Tim with anything was a bad sign. "What kind of… works are in this collection?"
Tim shrugged, nonchalant, like he was trying to lie to Bruce's face. "It's an interpretative work centered around a certain theme. The art is really open to whatever the artist was interested in. Damian did some pencil drawings, I have a handful of edits, someone did a 3D render." At this, Duke snorted, choked, and put a herculean effort into holding back his laughter. Tim grinned. "It's all beautiful work, I assure you."
"And what would that central theme be?"
"Forbidden love," Duke informed him, very seriously. Tim choked, then held out a hand for Duke to high-five.
"Lies of omission are still—"
"Yeah, yeah," Tim waved him off. "You'll get to see it in it's full glory, I promise. But there's a performance element to it that's not quite ready yet, so like, patience or whatever."
Duke had gone back to Tim's phone and was scrolling through, something. He paused on something Bruce couldn't see through quick glances through the rear view mirror. The smile on his face was… predatory. He shoved the phone back at Tim and accused, "You never showed me this one."
Tim looked down at it and his hand came up to cover his mouth. "Kon drew that one."
"Why does he have evil eyebrows?" Duke asked.
"Bart helped."
Bruce fought down the urge to slam his forehead into his steering wheel, just sped up a couple miles an hour in the hopes of making it to the gala that much sooner.
Bruce had managed to put it from his mind during the gala. Having a good time flirting with married women and even a few married men, dancing for charity (he took off an article of clothing for every hundred thousand raised, something Lex had not arranged or authorized), and smiling at reporters and telling them that he thought ocean currents were a brand of cologne and he had no idea why they were raising money for cologne.
And then he spotted Tim. Just Tim. Entirely on his own. Tim had a habit of… sticking to the side of anyone he'd come with. Not because he was nervous, far from it, but instead because his prime opportunities for eviscerating people walked away with whatever sibling or friend he was with.
And Duke had a habit of letting him. Something-something, if I can't curse them out, watching Tim Tim-Out is the next best thing.
The fact that they were separated had all the hairs on Bruce's arms standing up. Whatever… performance art was involved was sure to be coming and Bruce was left with the difficult decision of sticking around and watching or clearing the area before the fallout.
His decision was made for him when Conner Kent came sweeping in through the large, very large, front doors of the venue. In full costume. Sun glasses perched on his forehead, nestled in a head of dark curls. His hands landed on his hips and a smile broke his face as he used his TTK to levitate himself into the air.
Bruce watched Tim's face go blank in a way that meant he was carefully concealing whatever emotion would otherwise be painted across his face. Bruce was willing to bet his kid would be doubled over with anticipatory laughter otherwise.
"Listen up everyone!" The room didn't exactly quiet as much as it lowered to a wave of bewildered murmurs. "It has come to my attention that I failed to get either of my genetic donors a father's day present!" Kon shouted. Bruce downed his champaign in one gulp and considered the merits of crawling under one of the tables draped in thick white cloth. "So some friends helped me set something up. My late father's day present." Bruce turned his gaze back to Tim in time to catch Duke shimmering back into focus and throwing his brother a thumbs up.
Bruce continued to glare daggers at them. Neither of them turned to look even though he was sure they could feel him staring.
"Superboy—" Lex began from where he was standing near the small stage they'd set up, his face was turning an impressive shade of red.
Conner, without any regard for his technical father, flew further into the room and planted himself right in front of the TV projects. A look back at Tim showed that he was doing something on his phone.
Bruce glanced over at where Clark was stood with Lois and Jimmy, he was slack jawed and Lois was already elbowing him with a wicked smirk.
Then the TV screen changed from a series of feel good videos of rescued sea animals and not so feel good charts predicting the impact climate change would have on oceanic currents, thus effecting the entire world's weather patterns, to what looked like a power-point presentation.
The letters, big and bold and a combination of blue and red, read: SUPERMAN X LEX LUTHER and underneath that, in smaller, no less garish text: A LOVE STORY
"Happy Father's Day!" Conner crowed before lifting himself upward to land on one of the over head light fixtures.
The next slide was 'fanart' simple and stark. Lex and Clark making out.
Another glance at Clark showed that both Lois and Jimmy were double over, clutching at each other as they laughed. Clark's jaw was hanging even lower.
The power point continued, despite Lex's frantic shouts to 'shut it down! shut it down! stop this at once!'
Bruce watched as art piece after art piece, rendered in loving detail, appeared on screen. He choked when he got to Damian's contributions. They were relatively tame, considering, but still, that was his youngest child drawing— drawing… Lex Luther x Superman content.
He reached out for another glass of alcohol and began nursing it, letting himself enjoy the show. He spat out a sip when the mPreg art appeared on screen. Looking closer at one of them, Bruce could see Conner's signature.
Then came the edits. The edits were better, or worse, than the art. People, real people, presumably including Tim, had taken the time to sift through whatever publicly available footage there was of Lex and Clark and rearrange it to music. Rearrange it to look romantic.
Bruce was decently impressed with the amount of time that must have gone into everything. From the art, to the edits, to the presentation itself. And from what he could tell, it was arranged so that Lex would never know about his children's involvement. He was careful to keep his face neutral though, there was no need to encourage his children to do something like this again.
The presentation ended with a crudely drawn family tree and the some text: Was Superman Pregnant because Alien or was Lex Luther Pregnant because he Created Me?
Bruce bit his lip as he heard the women next to him begin the debate. A group of teenagers on his other side began confirming that it was both, right? It was definitely both.
Bruce made his way over to Clark, electing to ignore his cackling children in favor of the opportunity to poke fun at his friend.
Lois looked up at his approach. "Your—" she wheezed— "your children's— ren's work—" a giggling fit— "work, I— I presume."
"It seems like Conner put some personal pieces into the presentation."
Clark's face was red from his head to his toes in embarrassment. "I never want to see any of that ever again."
Bruce snickered, throwing an arm over his friend's shoulders. "I'll let Damian know you like his work."
Jimmy went from doubled over to curled up on the floor, clutching his side. "I can't— can't— breathe."
Clark kicked him lightly.
"Ms. Lane, if you wouldn't find telling me how you're going to cover this in the article about the charity gala?"
Lois covered her mouth with her hand and let out an undignified snort. "With— with great detail, I assure you. Do you— you think you could get me some of the—" snort— "presentation shown to us tonight? I'm afraid that Jimmy was a bit busy."
Jimmy, who had been in the process of sitting up, wiping at his eyes, collapsed back into a heap on the ground.
Bruce let his children enjoy the rest of their evening, presumably fanning the flames of the Lex Luther x Clark Kent scandal.
When the evening passed into night passed into early morning and Duke was beginning to yawn, they approached him and asked if they'd been at the gala long enough to go home.
Bruce chuckled and steered them both over to Lex by the shoulders. "Once we give our respects to the host."
"Bruce," Lex acknowledge, dipping his head, barely even glancing at his children. He was doing a remarkable job of trying to recover his public image, even though whispers of "mPreg" seemed to circle the venue.
"Lexie!" He threw an arm around the other man, forcibly dragging him in for something that resembled a hug and sloshing a bit of Lex's drink onto both of their suits. "The boys are tired so we're going to head back to Gotham, but it was so good to see you," he slurred his words and planted a wet kiss on Lex's cheek.
"I'm driving," Tim added, holding up a set of car keys that had been in Bruce's pocket less than a minute earlier.
Bruce half turned to go before he got an idea and turned back, clasping both of Lex's hands between his own, and, as earnestly as he could, going, "Oh, and Lex, I had no idea you were pregnant. I've heard birth is a horrible experience, so glad you came out the other end alright." And then he turned and ushered his children away before Lex could gather himself enough to react.
They'd barley made it to the parking lot before Duke's attempts at containing his laughter failed.
"His face," Tim wheezed. "Oh my god, did you see his face."
"I did. I really, really did."
Bruce coughed. "I have no idea what you're talking about." If he was smirking, that was nobody's business but his own.