Chapter Text
“Can you please not make this about yourself?”
Buck looked over at his mom – vigil at Chimney and Maddie’s house. It’s not like any of them were sleeping. He hadn’t touched his takeout. Buck had been so good all day, because Bobby was here, and Bobby always hoped the best for his parents, even though every time he did, he wanted to tell him – sorry, lost cause, they’re not good like you. He wanted to not be the problem. He wanted to sink into the background because it wasn’t him and the fact that he felt like microwaved death every morning lately, could barely get himself to go to work. It was that Maddie was gone. She would, of course, be hounding him on symptoms, hand to his forehead, barely restraining herself from taking his blood pressure, and holding out her hand demanding his phone. “You book an appointment in MyChart or I do,” she’d say. She’d probably bully him until he did. She wasn’t here. This wasn’t about him.
And he hadn’t made this about himself, not really. It’s just that he could only hold back so much. His mom had completely reverted to old ways and it wasn’t fair that he didn’t get to either. Made a snide remark about a stain on his pants, the crack on his iPhone, taking care of his possessions. He never did then, either, apparently. That’s why I took your tax return and didn’t give it to you, see, went unsaid. You can see how it was a wise choice. Bobby was looking between Buck and his mom, and he knew he was absolutely about to make himself the problem if he stayed in the room so he left, called Eddie.
Eddie didn’t answer. He’d been answering less these days. El Paso took him, swallowed him whole, and now they were drifting apart. It’s not like there were that many places to hide in Maddie and Chimney’s tiny house, but he checked on Jee first. Still sleeping, arms cuddled to her narwhal stuffie Buck had gotten her from the aquarium. He slid down the wall, touching the other side of it with his feet. Nothing made him feel safe right now. You don’t deserve to feel safe. You’re greedy, wanting to feel safe. Do not divert energy from your sister, he told himself, and at first it was just that he was hitting himself with his iPhone. It wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough. If he could have what he needed, he needed somewhere tight, alone, to squeeze into.
He didn’t stop until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He barely heard Bobby’s voice, gentle, taking his phone from him. So he was hitting himself instead, until Bobby looped his arm around both of Buck’s, scooping him into a hug.
“No no no no no,” Buck begged, because this was it, this was exactly the thing, the sobs escaping his chest, but Bobby just held him closer. “No I just…I just..I just…’
“Let’s go for a drive, Buck.”
“I don’t want to leave if something happens.”
“Then we’ll come back. Athena will text me the minute there’s any news."
“Okay. Let me get my water bottle.” He went to refill it, strategically not looking at anyone else, and Bobby waited for him by the front door. Buck just watched out the window while Bobby drove. He wasn’t exactly getting along with Bobby, either. When Maddie went missing, Buck immediately tried to break every rule or law he could find in order to go get her. Not just go get her, but trade for her. Maddie and the baby had to go free. They wouldn’t let him, though. Athena still wouldn’t tell him things. It’s not like he had the endurance. He felt like shit, and dismissed it as just being in a crisis. Bobby watched as he drank from his water bottle.
“You ok? Drinking a ton of water, Buck.”
“Yeah. Staying hydrated,” he said, his tone flat.
“I’m worried about you, Buck. You need to make a doctor’s appointment.”
“I’m just worried about Maddie,” he said. “Don’t have to sedate me again,” he said. “Don’t worry. I’m not about to run.” The first night or two had been spent at Bobby’s house, part of the time having to be physically held back from running and only sleeping once Bobby convinced him to take Ativan.
“I know.” Bobby could always take his attitude. “I didn’t see you eat your food. Let’s go get something, okay?”
“Can I stay in your house tonight?” He asked, finishing off the water bottle.
“Yeah, Buck. You can.”
When they got to the drive thru, Buck took off his seatbelt. “Gonna use their restroom, be right back.”
When they got home to Bobby’s house, he was refilling the water bottle, sitting at the table and starting in on the tacos Bobby had gotten him. Bobby sat with him. “I’m sorry, Buck. About your mom.”
Buck shook his head, getting the fidget toy he held in his pocket out- it was a small video game controller style and had lots of things to click on. “Defective parts, right? Maddie’s not here, so…we’ve reverted. Just sucks I have to be on my best behavior and she doesn’t.”
“You doing your best right now doesn’t mean the way she treats you is okay, Buck.”
“She’d probably be mad if I went to the doctor. You know, making it about myself.”
“Did your parents tell you that when you were younger? Do stuff like discourage you from going to the doctor? I know you got attention from them by being injured, but what about sickness?”
Buck hadn’t thought about it before. He sat, chewing the soft taco. Yes, was obviously the answer, and he’d carried it. He still did.
“What symptoms are you having?” Bobby continued. “Besides the thirst.”
“I’m fine. Just tired.”
“I don’t think you are, though.”
Buck went to drink more water and realized it was empty. “Can I refill this?”
“Yeah. You don’t have to ask if you can have tap water, Buck.”
Eddie called while Buck was filling up the water bottle and he came back to answer it.
“Hey. Sorry I missed your call earlier, Buck. I was busy. You ok?”
“Uh, no, honestly. I’m at Bobby’s house.”
“Want to facetime?”
“Yeah. Gonna go to the couch.” He threw the food trash away and lay on the couch, answering Eddie’s facetime, sipping water while he did.
“Hey bud,” Eddie said. “Worried about you. You look really pale.”
“Focus on Maddie,” he said. “We need to be focusing on Maddie.”
“Buck,” said Eddie. “Right now, I’m going to focus on you. Need me to come home?”
He shook his head. “Not before you’re ready. How’s Chris?”
“He’s good. Good as a moody teenager gets.”
“Can we like…exist in silence but don’t hang up on me? Just be?”
“Yeah, we can. I’d love to.”
Buck lay on his side, sipping from the water bottle, and scrolled on his phone.
“Hey Buck,” said Eddie after he noticed Buck’s eyes drooping.
“Mmm,” Buck rubbed his eyes.
“You are very important to me. Don’t tell anyone, but second to my kid, you’re the most important person in my life. So, while I know nothing is going okay right now, I need you to not do anything stupid. Can you do that?”
“Yeah, I’m not working right now.”
“Well…good. You’re not fit for duty, but I mean other stuff, too. Promise me you’re not doing anything rash?”
“Feel too much like shit to do that,” he said. “So you’re good.”
“Any chance you’ll see a doctor?”
Buck glared at him.
“Thought so. Okay, well. Get some sleep?”
“Yeah. Eddie?”
“Hmmm?”
“I love you,” he said.
Eddie’s eyes softened. “I love you, too. A lot. So I mean it. No doing anything rash, you hear me?”
“I’m just gonna sleep. Promise.”
Eddie did not have a good feeling, and he started looking up flight prices.