Chapter Text
Ed had been listening to Stede try to at first cajole and then exasperatedly talk in circles with his liquor vendor and it was giving her a headache.
“Phone,” they held out their hand the next time Stede paced near them.
“What? No. I’m in the middle-”
“Of getting nothing done. Give. Me. The. Phone.”
“...if you insist,” Stede handed her the cell.
“Hi, who am I speaking to?” They asked smoothly. There was a sharp reply. “Reg. Nice to meet you, Reg. Here’s what’s going to happen here, you’re going to follow the contract that the Revenge has with you to the letter. You’re going to do that right now by reimbursing them for a clerical error made on your end.”
There was some squawking and Ed sighed, “We have the paperwork, and right now? I have a lot of free time and a lawyer on retainer. We ate the gin to cover for you and maintain a relationship with your business, but if you try to fuck us over one more time, not only will you lose our business and the business of every bar that’s ever hosted a Leda House show, I will personally tie you up in small claims course for months just to entertain myself. Do you like talking to lawyers, Reg, or can we settle this right now?”
There was some sniveling, but Reg graciously conceded and Ed hung up with an email pinging into Stede’s back as confirmation of the results of the conversation.
“Someone has a new job,” Stede sing-songed.
“What? Shaking down vendors for you? I still technically have a job and I don’t think that one pays.”
“I’ll pay you. Want to be a manager?”
“I don’t think you can match my current salary.”
“Sweetheart, you spent most of yesterday trying to rebuild a plan that one of your guys toppled by literally tripping over his own feet. You haven’t been to your office in three months and every time I ask you about work you sigh like a balloon with air being let out.”
“Oh,” they frowned. “Am I being annoying?”
“Little bit,” Stede pinched two fingers very close together.
“We can’t work together and live together. Can we?”
“If we get sick of each other then we can renegotiate,” Stede shrugged. “But I like working with you.”
“I’ll think about it.”
They were quiet together for a bit. Stede picked up a book and let Ed roll into his lap to get their hair pet. They hadn’t actually told Stede anything about how they’d started to think about themselves. The job was really the least of it. How long could she wait? The longer it went on, the more it felt like a lie, something that she carried in her gut that threatened to grow and choke her.
“Stede?”
“Mmm.” He didn’t look away from his book, so Ed knocked it out of his hands. It just missed crashing into her face. “Was that necessary?”
“I’m not a man.”
“Okay, it was necessary.” Stede dropped his now freed hand onto Ed’s chest.
“Let’s not make a big deal out of it.”
“All right, but it sounds like maybe you want me to make a little bit of a deal out of it,” he said carefully. “What can I do?”
“Just...go shopping with me?”
“Oh, honey, there’s nothing I would enjoy more!” Stede’s smile unfolded and Ed had to smile back, it was practically a law of nature.
In an act of supreme love, Stede even went through his wardrobe and culled some things that he hadn’t worn in a long time. They carried three full bags to a donation box and that left a generous amount of space in the closet for Ed to fill.
“I don’t think I can own that many clothes.”
“Not all in one go,” Stede agreed. “But you’ll be surprised. Collect a piece there, spot something there. It takes a while to build a full wardrobe.”
“I’m going to keep my old stuff. It’s comfortable sometimes.”
“You know you don’t have to change anything, right?” Stede glanced at them. “You can keep right on dressing the way you did and you’d still be valid whatever you chose.”
She nodded, “I know. But I still want to try.”
It was far less daunting to walk into the first store with Stede at her side. And of course, Stede knew all the friendly boutiques that didn’t blink twice at them browsing through things. She wound up sticking to darker colors, still attracted to the deeper shades, but there was definitely more variety than her old clothes. Lots of texture too.
“You have to let me get this for you,” Stede decided about one obscenely expensive outfit. “And shoes to match.”
“Where would I ever wear something like this?”
“Anywhere you wanted. I’d like to see someone stop you.”
It wasn’t a bad way to spend a weekend, glutting themselves on fashion and good meals. Stede had accumulated a few bags for himself and some for Leda while he was at it, so they spent most of Sunday night hanging things up and shifting things around.
“Does it really not bother you?” They asked when it was all done and they were sitting on the floor, admiring their new treasures. “You were so unhappy being married to a woman.”
“That was a great deal different,” Stede huffed. “I was never attracted to her. And she loathed me. It’s hard to feel comfortable with someone who wishes you were dead.”
“I’m at least a little bit a woman. And you are very gay.”
“I can’t imagine a thing you’d choose to be that would make me love you less.”
“What if I started doing country songs?”
“Who doesn’t love Dolly Parton?”
“Became a furry?”
“Your drag persona is a sea monster, too late there, honey.”
“Murderer.”
“Help you hide the body.”
“Put your cashmere sweaters in the dryer.”
“I’d probably have a good cry about it, if I’m honest. But I’d still love you. I hope it goes both ways.”
They tried to imagine Stede doing something that would kill the ever present warmth that he’d kindled in them.
“Just never leave me.”
“Where would I go?” Stede put his hand over theirs.
"One more thing," they decided, laying their head on his shoulder.
"Anything."
"Call me Eddy."
Maybe it was the clothes. Maybe it was the full sweet meal of apparently unconditional love. Maybe it was slowly dawning clarity around their identity. Or maybe it was the forty-fifth text about Gill getting locked out of his email and not knowing his security question answer. Whatever it was, Eddy finally did something about the company. It went as smooth as anything like that did and then it was just a matter of finding the right moment.
Ever accidentally the architect of his own downfall, Izzy called them and declared, “We have a situation.”
“What kind?” Eddy opened the closet and pulled down the outfit Stede had bought her. He had said she could wear it anywhere and this seemed ideal.
“The kind that needs you here. In person. Enough is enough, I’m not going to keep doing your job for you.”
“So you keep saying. Loudly. Where are you?”
As soon as Eddy walked into the conference room of their current client’s offices, their assumption that it had been a trap was confirmed. Their entire staff was crammed around a table, in various stages of grumpiness, and Izzy to the right hand of the head of the table. There was a projector screen and Izzy was clutching a remote.
“Did you make a PowerPoint for my intervention?” Eddy asked from the doorway. "I'm touched."
“Blackbeard?” One of the men squeaked.
“Who else?”
The black silk jumpsuit had fit them like a glove without a pinch of tailoring. The belt at the waist gave the impression of a cinched waist, the v-neck creased over into sharp lapels that said ‘I’m here to do business and fuck up your day’ which was exactly what she’d needed. The high heeled Doc Martens just made her feel good. Her hair was back in one long braid that fell over her shoulder in lieu of jewelry. She clutched a manila folder in her hand like a grenade.
“Don’t get distracted,” Izzy barked. “Get the lights.”
Eddy reached over and casually flicked them off, not moving from the door.
“Go ahead, Hands,” she stared daggers at him. “Show me what you’ve got.”
“Let’s start with the numbers.”
She let him drone on about quarterly reports that she’d signed off. Jobs that they hadn’t earned bonuses on. Clients they’d lost because Eddy wouldn’t come in person to the meetings. The losses were relatively small, but it was clearly giving Izzy some pleasure to show his work.
“And then there’s our reputation,” Izzy hissed. The next slide was just a photo of Leda in her shepherdess costume, slightly worse for the wear after a long night out. It must’ve been taken when she didn’t know, judging by how she was half-turned away. Another of the two of them, draped over each other, Leda's eyelashes had gone a little wonky. None of it was flattering.
“Hey now,” Eddy said quietly. “Iz.”
“And this...this is what he’s been getting up to.” The next picture was of the Kraken’s second performance. They thought they looked pretty good, actually, still in the red dress, but the make up was already cleaner. The room broke out in nervous laughter, some of it with a nastier edge. “That’s what he’s been avoiding us for.”
“Damn right I have,” Eddy growled. “Have you been stalking me?”
“Let me ask you something, Edward. Why does Stede Bonnet call you babygirl?”
That had been a very private moment, so quiet that someone would’ve had to be right on top of them to hear it. Eddy reached into the top part of the jumpsuit and drew out the thin, perfectly balanced blade that Jim had let her borrow just the night before as a test run for a double act they were considering. She flipped the lights back on and stalked to the front of the table.
“I think it might be time that I reintroduce myself since you all seem to have forgotten.” She bared her teeth in a parody of a smile at all of them. Then she smacked a manila folder on the table, seized Izzy’s wrist and slapped his hand down on top of the folder. “In the dress, I’m the Kraken, she/her. Out of it I’m Eddy Teach she/they. Is that confusing to you?”
One person squealed out a ‘Yes’. The others were frozen in confusion or, more wisely, fear.
“Edward-” Izzy gasped.
“It’s Eddy.” She slammed the knife down just missing his middle finger, then pulled it back up. “Let me give you some examples, gentlemen. Like: Thank fuck, Eddy took pity on us. She could have sold us all out. Instead they decided to be loyal.”
With each pronoun she brought the knife back down, each time just barely missing one of Izzy’s digits.
“That's enough!” Izzy tried to yank his hand away, but she held him fast.
“Because she , as the sole owner and proprietor of this fucking mess, sold it to Spanish Jackie’s conglomerate. They made sure that each one of you sad motherfuckers would still have a job if they wanted it, or a generous severance package if they don’t,” She jammed the knife down so hard the hilt quivered, nicking the skin of Izzy’s thumb. “Including you, you miserable piece of shit. I printed your copy out. I know how much you like paperwork. Might be a bit harder to read now. Stop bleeding on it.”
“You can’t do that,” Izzy paled. “This is our company.”
“It was never yours. It’s my name on every bit of paperwork, and no matter how often you forged my signature, you can't change that it’s the one you needed.” She gripped his wrist harder, wanting him to feel her wrath. “I made sure Jackie will take care of you Iz, but if you ever come around Stede again, I will break every bone in your miserable fucking body. I don’t need to be Blackbeard to make you bleed.”
“But-”
“Now,” she turned to the rest of them. “If you all understand, say yes ma'am.”
“Yes ma'am,” they all chorused quickly.
“I’ve emailed all of you the details of the buyout. You have a week to decide if you’re staying on or not,” she tried to make eye contact with each of them in turn. “The severance is enough money that you can live as you want and decide what’s next for you on your own terms. Do that, for fuck’s sake. Life is messy, ugly and short. Who knows that better than us?”
A few of them nodded, one or two looked away from her entirely. Izzy squirmed in her punishing grip.
“Find something that makes it all bearable,” she told them. “If you need a last order from me, that’s it. Dismissed.”
They all got up and shuffled out, the hum of conversation and bemusement building.
“So that’s it?” Izzy said softly. “That’s the last of Blackbeard?”
“That’s it.” Eddy released his wrist at last and reclaimed the knife. She’d have to re-sharpen it before she returned it to Jim.
“It doesn’t end this way.” Despite just reclaiming his hand, Izzy reached for her, wisely stopping short of grabbing her arm.
“What did you expect?” She caught sight of the flash drive his rancid presentation had been on and took that too. “That I would see how happy I was in your little photo show and realize I should go back to being miserable?”
“You weren’t always miserable.” It was a statement, but they heard the question in it.
“Yeah, Iz, I was,” they said as gently as they could. He’d never truly scared them because they had molded him into this. They knew every thought in his rat maze brain. They knew exactly how much of it was barely healed wounds that broke open when he tried to stretch himself. “I really was.”
“We had laughs. We were....” he trailed off. He'd so badly wanted for Blackbeard to be satisfied just with him. Their bicycle of trauma built for two.
“I told Jackie that you’d be the best right-hand man she could ask for.” She slid the flash drive into the holster with the knife. “I hope you let yourself have a good life.”
“Please.” The word broke out of him, half-choked. "Don't go."
She had to walk away. Eddy didn’t turn her back on him as she left, but he made no move to stop her. He just stayed there, frozen in place with his eyes on her face as if he looked hard enough, she would stay. Instead, she strode away. It was harder than they counted on. They hadn’t expected to feel like they were leaving something behind.
“Ma’am?” A body blocked her exit out of the hall.
“What is it, Fang?” She came to a standstill. Ivan was beside him. The two of them would be a pain in the ass to fight off if they decided to be hostile and she resigned herself to ending today with blood on her hands.
“We were wondering,” he glanced at Ivan who gave him a tight nod. “Uh, would it bother you if we came to see you perform one night?”
“Why?” She held herself tall, one hand still ready to go for the knife again.
“We’ve never seen live drag before,” Fang put a hand on Ivan’s shoulder. “We’re big fans though. Watch shows on YouTube in our downtime. We didn't know you were the Kraken, but she's one of our favorites.”
Eddy started laughing and if it was a little hysterical, she thought she’d earned it.
“You know what? Come next Friday and your first round of drinks are on me.”
Their phone rang as they finally left the building.
“How’d it go?” Stede asked as soon as she picked up.
“It’s done. Better and worse than I expected.”
“Change is hard.”
“If I tell you something, will you not judge me?”
“Of course.” She could hear him settling on a chair. Was he home or still at the bar? Hard to know.
“I think I just cut a piece out of myself that I didn’t know I still wanted.”
“Was that piece called Izzy Hands?”
“He’s a horrible person, a stalker and a menace.” She scrubbed hand over her face. “Fucking little viper.”
“But he was your viper,” Stede acknowledged. “I don’t know, honey. He kept you alive long enough to meet me. I can’t completely hate him. I mean mostly, but not completely.”
“Neither can I.”
“You did your best for him,” he went on. “I don’t think either of you were good for each other. Maybe he can move on too.”
“Yeah, I’m not putting any money on that. And I’m going to beef up the security system at the Revenge.”
They had to hang up so Eddy could get back on their motorcycle. They rode right to the bar, pulling down the alleyway to the spot they’d cleared for their personal parking needs. It probably wasn’t legal, but no one had ticketed them yet.
There was a lot of chatter for early afternoon as she strolled in and she wasn’t surprised to find a bunch of them knotted around one table in the middle of the otherwise empty bar. Lucius, Oluwande, Frenchie and Stede were talking animatedly with a nun.
She crossed the room and slid a hand over Stede’s shoulder, coming to rest flat on his chest. He tilted his head back to look at her and she leaned down for an upside down kiss.
“Eddy, this is Jim’s Nana. Nana, this is Eddy,” Oluwande introduced.
“Huh, nice to meet you,” Eddy offered. They’d assumed Jim had just been born a fully formed avatar of wrath. If she'd tried to picture their family, a nun definitely hadn't come into it.
“My Jim talks about you.” Nana studied them.
“It’s probably all true.”
“Is that one of their knives?”
The hilt had slid, peeking out of the silk.
“Yes. It did good work.”
“That means it needs sharpening, give it here.”
Eddy handed it over, and she took it from them with a tsk. From her robes, she pulled out an old fashioned whetstone and got down to business.
“She came in to help us plan our summer event,” Stede said brightly as the older woman honed the edge of the knife more carefully than most mercenaries Ed had met.
“What summer event?” They asked, watching her work with a grip on Stede’s shoulder in case they needed to get him out of the way in a hurry.
“We raise money for the upstairs charities with a big outdoor show,” Oluwande put in. “Close down the whole street and bring in a lot of other performers. Get a real raised stage and decent sound system for once. Food trucks, craft vendors, it’s a whole thing.”
“Nana is our coordinator,” Stede explained. “She’s very organized.”
“Jim thought I was lonely,” Nana scoffed. “They like to make me feel important once in a while.”
“The first year, we set fire to part of the club, half the vendors didn’t show, and Stede didn’t hire a clean up crew so we had to go out with brooms and clear up the debris afterwards,” Frenchie said readily. “Still in full makeup and heels because none of us had a change of clothes. Because of the fire.”
“Yes, well,” Stede cleared his throat. “Nana’s been a big help.”
“I can help with the vendors,” Eddy offered.
“She can,” Stede said with confidence.
“Then I will send you the spreadsheet.” Nana nodded.
Whatever gap in time Eddy had thought she might have after quitting was rapidly filled with the festival. Nana appreciated her negotiation tactics and once she’d proved that she wouldn’t mess up the meticulously maintained spreadsheet, more details were handed over. Between phone calls, they were practicing multiple song and dance numbers that sometimes shifted out from under their feet as Stede made rapid changes to the playlist.
“You’re done,” she finally snapped in the middle of a late night run-through. Everyone was tired and Frenchie was nursing a bad ankle. “You get to change one more song and after that I will bite you in the un-fun way.”
Stede swallowed thickly, “I’m done, I think, actually.”
A ragged cheer went up from the others and that seemed to cement her place in the crew at last. Sticking up for them at the risk of angering her lover apparently was a sign of loyalty that they happily accepted.
The night before the event, Stede was wound up and ping ponging around the apartment so hard that he was making her dizzy. Frayed with her own concerns, Eddy mostly just let him do his thing and idly contemplated tripping him into bed the next time he came around. If only she wasn’t so damnably tired from all of it herself. She wound up falling asleep to him still pacing.
Lucky for them, the morning slammed into them quicker than they had bargained for and it was off to the races. Eddy spent the first part of the morning barking orders with increasing viciousness, and then dutifully reporting back to Nana over a walkie-talkie in a far more respectful tone.
“Time to go put your dancing shoes on,” Jim swooped in and relieved her just before noon.
“Fuck, thanks.”
They took off at a run, sliding into the space behind the stage with just enough time to layer on a face that had to stand up to the heat. The others were already flapping around in various stages of dress. There were too many people in too little space, many of whom Eddy had never seen before in their life.
“Isn’t it wonderful!” Leda appeared at her elbow just as they were finishing their lipstick. “Oh, wow, that shade is spectacular on you.”
“Thanks, I took it out of your drawer this morning,” they admitted.
“You’re dreadful,” Leda sighed. "Is that the YSL I hadn't opened yet?”
"It's open now. Did you a favor."
"Five minutes!" Nana called out.
"Saved by the nun," Leda muttered darkly, but still squeezed the Kraken's shoulder. "Break a leg, honey."
The show was nearly two hours long and the Kraken was on and off the stage a half dozen times. Usually just to prop up another queen’s number, but each time, she was newly surprised by the size of the crowd. It seemed to double every fifteen minutes until the whole street was a seething mass of bodies.
At one point, she spotted Lucius mounted on Fang’s shoulders to see over the crowd with a shit-eating grin on his face. When they made eye contact, Lucius waggled his eyebrows, glanced down at Fang then back up at the Kraken while mouthing ‘Thanks for dinner’, almost making her miss her cue.
For her solo act, the Kraken came in towards the end with a Joan Jett medley. The black leather pants and red crop top made sense for the part and while the applause thundered through the sun-drunk (and partially actually drunk) audience, she had just enough time to dash backstage. Jim tossed her the prop sword, John pinned the jaunty black hat with its white feather into her wig and Roach held her leather jacket out to slide her arms into. A quick wrap of belts and shiny bits and she was ready.
The opening guitar riff of “Hate Myself for Loving You” drew her back on stage. She was every inch a pirate, the costume expertly done by John and Frenchie as usual. From the other side of the stage, Leda stepped out in matching regalia. She was white and gold to the Kraken’s red and black, in full skirts instead of pants. They saluted each other with swords, then set into the meticulously coordinated sword fight.
The Kraken played up the angry-ex energy while Leda went for placating, only defending from the Kraken’s wild blows. Each time they drew close, their lips would be a mere inch apart, then they’d push apart with the next beat. The audience responded just as they hoped, getting progressively more and more wild. Until the song’s crescendo built, and the Kraken opened themselves up for attack, goading Leda to lunge. At last, the sword pierced in what would look like a direct hit to the audience, skewering through the Kraken’s stomach. She threw strings of long red beads into the air, scattering the fake blood across the stage. And at last, she drew Leda in close for a kiss in the deathly intimate moment.
“That went well,” Leda whispered in her ear, as the Kraken lay limp in her arms, just audible over the cheers and wolf whistles.
“Still have the finale left.”
“We do.” Whatever nerves Stede had last night, Leda hadn't done her usual magic in sweeping them away.
The Kraken probably could have kept the pirate outfit, but they were still enjoying having choices too much for that. Besides, Leda had gifted her a beautiful deep pink sundress with a pattern of realistic blue birds, leaves and branches, just for the occasion. The wig with its pirate hat was exchanged for letting down her natural hair, quickly finger-combed back to life after being released from its wigcap prison. That had been Leda’s suggestion for the look and a pretty firm one at that. They did feel a little bad about the lipstick, so they followed directions.
Jim and Teal’s song was winding down, but she took a last second to swap out her boots for pink pumps before returning to her side of the stage. The finale was supposed to be a big number and nearly every performer was jammed up in there ahead of her. She couldn't see Jim and Teal take their bows, but she was glad for the moment of respite. They waited for the cue, the opening strains of “Anything Goes”, a musical number that the Kraken was ill-suited for and wasn't much looking forward to. The Revenge girls never really had mastered group choreography. Her toes were going to get stepped on at least once.
Instead, a familiar voice got on the microphone.
“Friends, I hope that you’ll give me your patience for just a few minutes. I’ve been on stage many times, but never quite like this.” It was Stede’s voice, less breathy than Leda’s. They tried to look over the forest of wigs to no avail. “I promise I’ll get this out of the way and we’ll be on our way to the grand finale of our little show. And please stay after sunset for Battle of the Baddies, starting at 7.”
Music started. It was soft, and light. Probably one of Leda’s beloved ballads. Then he started to sing. Not lip sync. Live singing. That was Stede’s voice, mostly on key and a little wobbly,
“She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
And they can ruin your faith with their casual lies
And they only reveal what they want you to see
They hide like a child but they're always a woman to me,” he crooned.
“What the fuck?” the Kraken hissed.
“They can lead you to love, they can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe you...”
“Move!” Jim barked from the front of the line of queens and then like they were the drag Moses, the sea of bodies parted.
“What the fuck?” She mouthed again at Jim. And Jim just pointed to the stage. A clear order.
As if through molasses, the Kraken moved down the human aisle, stepping onto a stage now ablaze with golden light from the setting sun. It really was Stede. There were still bits of makeup clinging to the edges of his face, lips stained pink. He had changed into a gorgeous blue shirt and white slacks. His hand was white-knuckled around the mic. When he saw her, he eased up a little, and held his hand out to her.
“Yeah she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me,” he gave her a badly executed wink. Baffled, they took his hand and managed to stay on their feet as he spun them into his arms and started a loose slow dance around the stage.
“Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and they never give out and they never give in
They just change their mind....”
“I’m about to change my mind about a few things,” she threatened, but she was too giddy with confusion and joy to put any real threat into it.
“And she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding
But she brings out the best and the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself 'cause they’re always a woman to me...”
The music faded out even though Eddy was sure there were a few more lines. Stede spun her, letting go of her hand, so she took a few extra swirls. Dizzy, she took a breath before turning back around to ask him what the fuck he was doing.
And found him on one knee. Her eyes, dry as a desert for the past twenty years, suddenly began to burn.
“Eddy, since the night we met, my world has never been the same.” The words were catching in his throat which only made her eyes burn more. “You make me laugh every day, you find easy solutions to problems I could never fix on my own, and you made my apartment into a real home just by being there. You- oh, god- you accepted me without ever questioning all the strange broken pieces that make me up. I think you decided that they were never broken at all. You have no idea what that did for me. How much you've changed me for the better.”
“Holy shit,” she held her hands up to her face, uncaring of the makeup she was smearing. “Stede...”
“I love you, Eddy Teach. I want to love you every day of the rest of our lives. I want to wake up with your hair in my mouth, your drool on my chest, and all the excitement of getting another day with you. We don’t have to get married if you don’t want, but I want you to know that this is forever for me. I want life to be our adventure. Will you go to sea with me?”
The tears fell. Not a few delicate drops either. Big heaving sobs.
“Fuck you, Stede Bonnet, you absolute bastard,” she gasped through her tears. “Put that fucking ring on my fucking finger right fucking now.”
He slid the ring home, a ruby set in white gold, and she pulled him up to kiss him.
“You made me cry in public,” she managed to wrench out. "I'm going to murder you."
“Sorry, honey." He touched his forehead to hers. “How can I fix it?”
“I want a wedding.” They kissed him again, headless of the smeared pink and red lipstick between them. “A big fat wedding with all our friends. Very expensive dress. Huge cake. Filet Mignon, lobster and a ten piece band. Understood?”
“Deal,” he laughed wetly. She realized he was crying too. Their faces must be a wreck of running foundation, sweat, and tears. What a mess they made together.
Paper confetti that was supposed to rain down for the finale fell around them. Eddy clung to Stede, back pats and hugs thrown their way in a parade of approval. Music played, but she didn’t notice what song. It was all just beautiful noise.